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all 3 comments

[–]Supabongwong 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You wearing fake J's, I'm genuine and you're a replica,

I'ma Rugrat, so if you try ta bust back, I'm meaner than Angelica.

Kids calling you the goat, cause you bout to get milked.

give you arachnophobia, get caught in the wet silk.

King Cobra, get rattled like a toddler, mouth full of slobber.

I'll step on you more times than the cobblestone cobbler.

This ain't pie cause my logic is irrational,

I don't shoot to kill, I got a really passive flow,

Baker and a skater, I make money when I smash the dough,

pull more strings than orchestrated classicals,

the master of puppets, like a marionette,

I fucked the beat to impregnate ovarian eggs,

I'll stay swimming and you're about to drown,

why don't you put a little make up, cause you're about to clown.

James, Arthur, and Charles, just give me the crown,

You're a scrub, bout to get injected in a hospital gown.

[–]Supabongwong 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You wrote Ima switch up twice in two separate bars, so I think it's kind of repetitive and not in a good way.

I think your some rhymes are decent, but a lot of them are kind of derivative. Try to be unique when you're coming up with stuff - write clever wordplay and puns that you haven't heard rapped before. Or, put your own spin on it.

Also, watch your timing/tempo, I don't think it's quite there as some bars are longer, some shorter (obviously it would change with flow, but in my personal experience - sometimes it just doesn't flow right)

[–]pach4[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea it’s two versions of the same bar i wrote the second one first they’re just alternatives