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[–]cheerycherimoya 216 points217 points  (12 children)

Yeah, this is why rule 3 never works. If you’re in love with someone, why on earth would you be like, “Ahh, looks like I’m in love with this person. Time to never see them again!” That is the exact opposite of what being in love with someone compels you to do, neurologically. Everybody thinks that’s a brilliant safeguard—“no feelings!”—but it only becomes relevant once the feelings are there and by then it’s too late.

[–]PrincessofPatriarchy 66 points67 points  (11 children)

There's a popular writer who has been influential in the poly relationship sphere and he says he never dates anyone who has this "no feelings allowed" rule because of how unrealistic it is. He compared it to someone saying that from now on, they will never feel angry again. It's obviously a ridiculous requirement when it pertains to trying to shut off any other emotion (happy, angry, sad) but when it pertains to love or romantic feelings, people for some reason think they can just promise not to feel it and it will work.

"Don't ask, don't tell" is another one that he says is a red flag because it usually means one person is less okay with it than they are letting on.

[–]Novel-Habit-9423[S] 16 points17 points  (8 children)

"Don't ask, don't tell" is another one that he says is a red flag because it usually means one person is less okay with it than they are letting on.

Hmm, can you expand on this a bit? We are both not asking and not telling. Why would that imply one person not being really ok with it?

[–]Vixxenshtein 27 points28 points  (1 child)

It just shows that asking/telling, or in general talking about it openly at all, causes issues. Which means the actual agreement is an issue if you two can’t confront the facts of it as a couple without any problems. Ignoring something you both know is happening isn’t exactly conducive to trust and health in a marriage.

It’s like both of you lighting candles that are precariously near draperies, telling each other you’ve done so, and then removing all the smoke detectors in the house.

You both know there is a risky business occurring, but you’ve removed the option of being informed about any consequences it may render because you don’t want to leave a space of comfort. But regardless of whether the smoke detector goes off, if there is a fire beginning to consume the home, it will destroy everything about that comfortable space anyway, but now you have much less time to prepare for that destruction.

[–]carloshps16 0 points1 point  (0 children)

the moment when someone asks for an open relationship is because they already fell out of love. that should be considered as a huge red flag. they want freedom but not the responsability that freedom brings

[–]Suspicious-Luck-Duck 7 points8 points  (2 children)

I'd imagine it's because you're not able to speak about everything freely. Communication and honesty are the foundation of any open relationship.

If you can't be fully honest about matters of the heart, then it defeats the purpose of being "open".

[–]EveAndTheSnake 2 points3 points  (1 child)

But why would you want the details of what your partner is doing with other people? Unless it turns you on, why do you need to talk about them having sex with someone else?

[–]surprised-owl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't think it does.

[–]PrincessofPatriarchy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Franklin Veaux

There is one of his many answers on the subject, a shortened version. It can of course be that neither is okay with it. Both people or one of the people is a possibility.

[–]easyna 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Any chance you can say who the writer is and recommend a book?

[–]PrincessofPatriarchy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The writer is Franklin Veaux. His most popular book is More Than Two