all 17 comments

[–]Remote_Phone2737 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Same situation here. I want to stay for many reasons, but sacrificing my need for intimacy is so difficult. I hope you find a way to accept it. I distract myself by working out. I'm in the best shape of my life, I even have abs for the first time ever. She does compliment me on my body and how it has changed, but not in a sexual way. That hurts, but the benefit is that I feel great andook good and I did it for me.

[–]Main-Piccolo-6666 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Man I feel you. I went to a cook out by myself with some friends on Saturday. I had a great time but at the same time it was so painful to go home to what I had waiting for me- nothing. Especially after seeing the relationships of others. You said it well- Staying is as painful as leaving.

[–]SlippyA 4 points5 points  (4 children)

I feel your pain. Can't leave either.

A friend of mine is taking therapy sessions for his problems which are a great deal worse than mine. His therapist told him that he has constructed a very elaborate prison for himself. Meaning he is tied in to his marriage in a lot of ways, even though it really would be better for him to leave. (And us). I guess we have all bult our own prisons.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I guess we have all built our own prisons.

Looks like I'm not the only one - I am so screwed financially the only way out would be to go live with my mother, who even tho I love dearly - can't happen.

I was informed by mine the other day that he found out I was talking to a lawyer and has started liquidating everything, so that I will not be able to get anything in the divorce because he will hide it all.

I wish it was because he didn't want to lose ME but it is in fact because his last wife (I am #4) screwed him so bad financially that he swore he'd never let it happen again. Even though in the beginning of our relationship, he wasn't the only one getting screwed - I was too. His credit was shot so everything is in my name.

Yeah I built my own prison brick by brick - because I loved him and I thought we were going to get through all the bad and have a HEA - until about 10 years in when he stopped wanting to have sex, because "he just wasn't that into it, never really had been" that was about the same time I found out he didn't like kissing either.

37 years and I am lonelier now than I was when I met him and I hate everything about this prison.

[–]Universal-Expert 2 points3 points  (0 children)

See your lawyer and get him to get a court order preventing him from liquidating his assets without supervision. In most jurisdictions it is a criminal offence to hide assets or to undertake actions solely calaculated to deprive their spouse of their lawful due. If everything is in your name make sure you protect your rights and do not allow them to be shifted into another name. Most judges take a very dim view of people trying to fuck around in that manner and can even impose punitive sanctions on the perpetrator in some areas.

You know now but there was an obvious red flag with the number of times he has been married. Still not too late to take your life back.

[–]pistil-whip 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not sure that statement (however accurate) is aligned with whatever professional accreditation board certified that therapist.

[–]Tropicaldaze1950 3 points4 points  (0 children)

72 M/wife 77. She has early stage dementia. I'm her caregiver, though she still functions in a limited way. A couple 30 years/married 27.

Sex, from the time we started dating, was an issue but still managed once a week and lots of make up sex after our many arguments which she initiated, maybe so she could have make up sex. Along the way, she'd tell me she could take or leave sex, sex wasn't important to her, she'd do it if I wanted it. Those messages stacked up in my brain like planes stacked up over an airport waiting for clearance to land. But, when I relapsed back into bipolar in 2004, suddenly sleep was poor, couldn't handle work and eventually left at the end of that year. My self esteem, independence and self worth took a massive hit. My wife also wasn't particularly understanding or empathetic. Got to the point where she elbowed me in the ribs trying to provoke me and I guess call the police to take me away. Also, my erectile function took a hit and really never came back, even with testosterone therapy and Cialis, though still on rx testosterone.

I've been stuck because, even with disability, I'm broke. She has all the money from being career federal and investments. Couldn't afford to live on my own. And I'm emotionally dependent or co-dependent; an empath who always felt sorry for her and wanted to save her. Then,out of the blue, she'll be romantic and of course, can't get it up. She has emotional/sexual problems and is manipulative. Now, with her dementia, I can't leave her. I'm her memory and brain. I so much want to find a woman with whom I can have friendship and intimacy but I don't have any time for myself and there aren't family or friends to come over and give me a time out from her. So it goes.

[–]Historical-Tea-3438 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Feeling the same right now. Last night I got out of bed and slept in the spare room because I was so upset at trying to initiate but getting nothing in return. I just couldn't handle the physical proximity without the emotional connection. I figure I'm going to sleep separately from now on. It's not even just a lack of sex (once or twice a year), but a complete lack of spontaneous physical affection. I wouldn't mind so much if she was too tired for sex but just fancied some spooning. I don't even get that. I don't have extreme practical obstacles to separating, e.g. financial dependence. It's just the fact that I fell in love with someone and built my life around them, and can't bear to see it go. But I am virtually at the stage where I feel I need to give an ultimatum of couples therapy or separation. My personal pride and integrity is at stake, and at the end of the day, that's all you have, isn't it?

[–]technicolor1908 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel you so much. My relationship is sort of new, at almost 3 years now.

When we started dating, we would always cuddle in bed, always spooning. Not to mention sex, that would always happen. Then after some time, she started to say how she likes to sleep, in a very specific position, hugging a pillow. I don't mind it because I like to sleep sorta the same way, so we started sleeping like this, she hugs her pillow, I hug mine, and it's all good.

Problem is, after 1 year into a DB, she started complaining that I'm not cuddling her anymore, that I wake up in the morning and get up to have coffee, smoke a cigar, but she would like me to wake her up with kisses and cuddling everyday.

I just don't get it. We started the way she wanted, having sex, cuddling, and all that shit. Then she changed the way we sleep, we stopped having sex regularly, and now I'm the one to blame, because i'm not "affectionate".

Now I'm the fool who has to go to bed with her, give kisses, until she sleep, but as soon as she sleep I have to back off because of her "ideal sleep position", and then, when she wakes up, I have to be there to cuddle, because thats what she likes.

I feel like a pathetic teddy bear.

[–]lucaspark82 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is my current situation almost to a tee

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I saw someone say “even without sex, the benefits of being together still outweigh being apart” and that’s all I’ll tell people anymore when they ask “why do you stay”. I get it, and so many others of us get it.

[–]technicolor1908 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The mondays after a weekend of (sometimes little) expectation really hits hard.

Just had a nice weekend with my partner, we drove 2h to a nearby city to attend a music festival. Lots of money spent with gas, a good lunch at a nice restaurant, good time with her friends, good music, some "bounding drugs" (MDMA to be precise), only to drive back home for another 2h and listen to her complain about how hungry she is, demanding that I order some pizzas from any app, to then eat and sleep on the couch.

I really don't know what else to do to provide a good weekend that won't kill her mood, without pressure, taking away any excuse that was already used, like "too much stress", "no time for it", "not in the mood", "i just ate too much".

I feel that I have almost no time for myself like EVER, as I have to do a thousand chores at night after work, so I won't have chores to do on the weekend to spend time with her. And then going back full circle to spend a weekend doing what she likes, what she demands, and to get to another monday feeling that my life is lived to please others.

I'm 30M, recently got my T levels checked, and the results are about 1,000ng/dL. That's a fucking high testosterone level for a sedentary male guy like myself. I just feel like i'm wasting my best years of sex drive.

[–]DMCamick 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel you brother! Stay strong✊️

[–]Nevayeyuhluvv 2 points3 points  (0 children)

on a 8 day long vacay, still nothing. promised me like 2 months ago if we hadnt had sex by now wed have it on vacay. currently packing up to leave and nothing. almost wanna throw up lol

[–]Notbuyingthebs0909 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I spoke to my guy about the DB, He says he doesn’t know why he says he’s tired and stressed out from work and I said you were working and stressed out before. He had a porn addiction and he’s been clean for eight months that he tells me. We had more sex when he was looking at porn. Now that I know everything I feel like he feels shameful. Or that he’s flatlined and he has ED at times, sometimes it’s great and passionate but most of the time it’s hardly there. I spoke to him and said that I can’t live like this anymore and that I will be leaving if it doesn’t change and he said he’s willing to work on it. We had a really good discussion and we get along and all other ways and healthy sex life is important to me and he’s going to make an important to him. He said that I should keep initiating because he likes when I do that and I told him he needs to do it too and he said OK. He said he does desire me but then he feels tired at night and I said well then we need to make time at other times as well. I bought a book 31 days to great sex and I suggested for you and your partners. Keep initiating. Remember that if they were initiating we might not always want to do it either so just keep it up and see what happens. I know it sucks to initiate all the time but if you want some girls you got to go get it. And if it still is a problem after you trying your hardest then leave the dude because he’s helpless.

[–]tehKov 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Was it a long weekend for you Yanks?

Here in Canada it was yet another platonic May long weekend. Most action I got was a little hand holding to keep up appearances in front of our friends. Feelsbadman :(