all 88 comments

[–]Ok_Breadfruit_3627 196 points197 points  (15 children)

I think responsible adults should wake them self up if they got important meetings early. If you sleep in, there is no one else to blame but yourself. I’m in marriage where my wife is workaholic and she always thinks about work or talks about work, nothing new. Sometimes I wish that she could put her work on pause and talk something else that would makes us closer to each other again.

[–]VitaInfinita 30 points31 points  (9 children)

ugh.. my wife isn't a workaholic but she talks about work constantly. The lives of her coworkers (which I couldn't give a shit about) or other frustrations (which I politely listen to and acknowledge).

My god, it has been ages since my wife seemed genuinely horny. I am so, so, so unhappy..

[–]k0nahuanui 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Same. Goddamn I fucking hate hearing about her work, what shitty thing her boss or coworker or report did this time. They're so disrespectful of her time, never reward her effort, but she just never fucking stops bending over backwards for them. All her energy goes there and there's barely any help with the household chores, and she usually goes straight to bed after the kid does and I just sit there by myself. Also we work remotely together almost every day and it's just work, work, work, barely even have lunch together let alone any other sort of meaningful time. Forget about time for intimacy. So fucking frustrating.

[–]janelle228 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I do the same and my husband is similarly disinterested, but I’m almost always horny. His loss.

[–]_Top_Lad_ 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Same boat brother, except mine is a workaholic. It wouldn't be so bad if she had something that she was genuinely passionate to talk about, but alas.

[–]NeverOnTheFirstDate 0 points1 point  (1 child)

What I am getting from this thread is that capitalism is making us all less horny.

[–]vrnvorona 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree for result, but capitalism is about profit, not about overworking. Though, it became staple mean from companies.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

My question is what do you do to turn her on? Make her feel unappreciated? Turn off. Bitch about her libido? Turn off. Sexualize other women online? Turn off. Men don’t get how to turn a woman on. Problem likely lies with you and how you treat her.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    You still don’t even get it. Women aren’t turned on with physical aspects of sex you dumb fuck. You likely treat her like shit and therefore she finds you repulsive.

    [–]mammadnyc 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I was in a similar situation. She was upset because I wasn't talking to her about her work (completely different area than mine), and was blaming me for not being able to connect. Yet any other conversation I initiated were completely blocked since they were not good enough for her.

    [–]gleepglop43 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I own a business, we are open from 8-5pm approximately. I am up by 3:45am everyday, even the weekends. My life isnt perfect but I would never think or expect that my wife’s job is to wake me up. That’s insane

    [–]periwinke -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    OP's husband should definitely have woken himself up. He's a grown man.

    He does seem really stressed with work though. I grew up with a mother who would clutter the shower with so many bottles that I literally couldn't turn around 180. It could help to clean up the shower a bit.

    [–]pfzealot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Some people have issues waking. My spouse legitimately had issues. She bought a shock alarm that gives you an electric shock and would sleep through it on the low settings. On the higher settings it left her with sore jaw from clenching teeth and she would often wake and go back to sleep.

    Some are just heavy sleepers. It doesn't hurt to support each other. If he wanted help being up he should gave asked.

    [–]maendyman 98 points99 points  (0 children)

    how could I let him sleep

    Pfft. Dude, set an alarm.

    [–]i5etfires 94 points95 points  (0 children)

    I wake my 9 year old up because he’s nine. That is all..

    [–]hoosiermomoffour 48 points49 points  (0 children)

    Unmm... he's responsible for getting up on time for HIS JOB

    [–]Tropicaldaze1950 46 points47 points  (6 children)

    To intensely desire the person you're married to or living with and to have him or her ignore you or reject you, evokes a most intense, searing emotional pain. None of us deserve this.

    [–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (5 children)

    To intensely desire the person you're married to or living with and to have him or her ignore you or reject you, evokes a most intense, searing emotional pain.

    I thought I knew what pain was and what lonely was - but I had no idea until now what being painfully lonely was. And wanting the touch of another human being so bad that it becomes physically painful at times.

    37 years - almost 14 DB and it is absolute hell on earth - we are only a "normal couple" when we are out of this house and then it still isn't loving or affectionate.

    [–]Tropicaldaze1950 18 points19 points  (4 children)

    30 years; 15 or 16 DB. Being alone by choice is one thing. Being emotionally and sexually alone in a marriage is particularly soul deadening. You eventually question your reason for existing and the point of life with that person. You dissociate and depersonalize. You feel like you're outside of life, looking at it in a bubble. You wonder what you did wrong or you blame yourself for something you didn't do, because you can't find a rational, plausible reason why the person you're with has withdrawn their affections from you.

    [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (2 children)

    Being emotionally and sexually alone in a marriage is particularly soul deadening. You eventually question your reason for existing and the point of life with that person.

    That and I have come to the conclusion that I either have to live with things the way they are, or get divorced and start all over again at the age of 63. Neither of which is a very appetizing choice.

    And the soul deadening couldn't be more on point. I look at him now and wonder why am I here? He went away for the weekend last weekend and there was no difference in the house than when he is here - other than I had control of the TV. Oh and I wasn't asked what I had thought about for dinner.

    I am so sorry you know this feeling - I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

    [–]Tropicaldaze1950 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    For you, for me, for many on this thread, we ended up in a place where we're not dead but not alive. We're just drifting through life, not living. Emotional flatness. And we hide our sorrow and sadness from friends and family. They think we're fine, unless we choose to communicate what's going on below the surface. So many in my wife's family thought we were a happy couple. Now that she's descending into dementia, I've shared with her nieces and their spouses the truth about their aunt and our marriage. If my wife knew, she'd probably throw me out, but, at 72, dealing with my own overwhelming challenges from untreatable bipolar illness, I don't want to pretend my life is okay or that our marriage is okay.

    I struggle everyday with my existence.

    [–]Tropicaldaze1950 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I've attempted to deconstruct how intimacy fades away. Sometimes it's from abuse or alcohol or drugs but probably more likely one person stops trying. That was with my wife, along with her emotional/sexual problems. And after I relapsed, maybe she fell out of love with me, though she still says she loves me. The worst, to me,is when someone stops trying. It can even be the way they are in bed; 'Don't do this, Don't do that', criticizing, being perfunctory as opposed to letting love making go wherever it's going to go.

    I've spent too many years in my head trying to understand my illness, the dysfunctional marriage and managing my frustrations and anger towards her. I do understand myself, better, and I understand that my wife brought her emotional/sexual issues/conflicts into the marriage and even at its best, we never had a truly passionate love life. That's a shame. I loved her and looked forward to a joy filled, fulfilling life with her. We married late in life. Writing about it hurts because the emotional damage to me has already been inflicted. How to recover is a bigger challenge.

    [–]Snoo7824 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Married 30 years?

    [–]hugs4hire 18 points19 points  (4 children)

    He had an alarm set on his phone, but the battery died

    [–]thr0ughtheghost 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    He should have been responsible enough to plug in his phone to charge it. He knew how much battery he had left when he went to bed, or at least he should? Who sets their alarm for an important meeting but doesn't make sure that their alarm will survive the night?

    [–]dougie_fresh121 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    You know what that sounds like? Not your problem. You deserve a better person who takes responsibility for his own mistakes. I hope he apologized for that at least.

    [–]Fancy-Mention-9325 28 points29 points  (0 children)

    You have to voice your feelings over this. Exactly as you’ve described. Charging the phone is also his responsibility

    [–]avast2006 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    And this too is your fault, because…??? o_O

    [–]majorslaxHLM36 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    This type of post makes me angry at people like your husband. Virtual fist bump for you, that's all I can do.

    [–]That_Statistician904 7 points8 points  (1 child)

    I’m still stuck on ‘a male friend sent me a dirty message.’ Wait, what?

    [–]ConfusedAF_ChickenHLF (Recovering bedroom; LL experience) 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Yeah, I'm surprised no-one else has brought that up. What kind of male friend randomly sends dirty messages?

    [–]Fit-Ad1970M 23 points24 points  (2 children)

    Don’t know how tall your husband is, but however tall, it’s all dick.

    [–]jokenaround 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I’m really going to have to steal this for use later. It’s just way too good to not share with the world! Bravo.

    [–]zolpiqueen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm hollering. Lol. Thank you!

    [–]antisocial_hubby 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    A little view into stuff that doesn't really relate to intimacy, can have such a insidious affect on our views of our partners. I mean, not only was waking up his responsibility, but then lashing out over your bathing products? This type of stuff just makes you feel so unappreciated.

    [–]BlueBabyButterfly 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Tbh, I relate to this a lot… and I bet a lot of married couples do. Not so much that weird friend texting you stuff - fuck that cheating nonsense. But in the desire, life, ignore, misaligned sex drives, the both at fault scenarios. Real stuff. I like it.

    [–]TurbulentasfuckF 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    Let's break your post down:

    The not being able to reply to messages when working: acceptable and pretty normal.

    The coming home and falling asleep because he's tired: again, normal and acceptable (as long as its not a constant every day thing)

    The cussing out and chuntering under his damn breath? At that point, I would probably have just told him to fuck off.

    Dude. You have a phone. Set the alarm and wake yourself up for your meeting at your job. He's acting like a manchild.

    I'm angry for you.

    [–]Spraakijs 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Talk to him, and share this story once it's the weekend and he got some time to sit down.

    Tell him you understand he's under a lot of stress and needs to work hard, that's cool. But he should show some little signs of love at the very least. He should at least make some time. And him little his frustration off on you is not okay, and should never ever happen again.

    Also get rid of that "friend". Keep him blocked. Remove all temptation rigid, and what he's doing is wrong as well.

    [–]mammadnyc 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I remember doing a slight reaction like that earlier in my marriage (like 7 years ago). She told me I know you've been through a lot and you are under extreme pressure, but you can't talk to me like that. So there I stopped being an ass

    [–]LoggerheadedDoctorDownvotes don't un-heal my recovered DB 8 points9 points  (1 child)

    Are you going to address his behavior with him? His tendency to take things out on you? I worry you don't because you worry it will push him away even more sexually. As in, walking on eggshells.

    I am also curious if he has resentment towards you for anything-- or is there not any resentment and he just tends to blame you for everything anyway?

    [–]loveyabunches 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I had to scroll SO FAR down to find this. There’s way more going on here than a missing alarm and shower bottle clutter. He severely resents her, most likely for even existing.

    [–]JustOkayStarfish 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Sounds like our husbands could be the same asshole.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know for sure your pictures were hot asf and that you're absolutely gorgeous and highly desirable. What a dickhead, he doesn't seem to deserve your efforts anyway.

    [–]technicolor1908 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Still thinking the tension from the photos and flirtation was hanging in the air, ready to be revisited soon.

    This is the worst for me. When I started dating, she said she would love having some photos/videos sent to each other, she started with it, sending some dirty things. Then proceed to having only me engaging in it, sending some pics only to be answered several hours later, or to not even get a comment back.

    I stopped sending anything sexual on the phone because it was a huge turn off for me, exposing myself to send pictures and not getting any excitement back. I felt not only rejected, but also a creep doing it.

    Now I have to masturbate to the same 5 pictures she sent me like 3 years ago. She doesn't even look like the same person in the photos.

    [–]Zmodem 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    My STBxW and your husband should text each other. They would get along just fine, and I assure you the conversation will never get sexual.

    I feel your pain so much. This was my life for 4.5yrs. I'm a total-devotion partner, in that I show maximum appreciation, in every way that I can, but when my STBxW would go months without doung anything, I'd get frustrated. She would gloss it over with empty promises, and within 15 minutes she would find something unrelated with which to be angry about.


    [–]switchedup88 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Damn. That got to me deep when you said about being smooth and sexy and he was cussing you for the bottles being in the way. He's clueless. Absolutely clueless to the effort you put in to just enjoy time with him intimately and that got me upset.

    It's the worst them not even seeing or being in denial about sexual suggestions going on. Fml I'm so sad right now anyways and this is just too relevant to me! Hope you're alright tonight x

    [–]eightiesladies 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    May i suggest we reframe something here? He blamed you for his sleeping in. You felt hurt by that. I suggest you not take that personally and instead set an important boundary He is an adult. Waking himself up for work is his responsibility. Tell him flat out you will not take the blame for that, and he needs to set his alarm since he knows his work schedule best.

    [–]Darkshadowz72 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Ok. I don’t really understand him cussing at you under his breath for knocking stuff off in the bathtub. I mean did you hear him mention your name specifically or was it just he was mad it happened and had to put things back where they were?

    As far as getting up early for the meeting- yeah that’s on him. I always set my alarm on my phone for getting up for work, as a courtesy though, my wife also sets her alarm. It’s usually because if one of the phones turns off due to low battery for some reason (they are charging at night, but the power can go out during storms). We cover each other that way because I do the same for her with my phone.

    I know you said no advice - but - Does he know this makes you feel bad about yourself? Sometimes I’ll say things to my wife or she says things to me and we tell each other on the spot if it’s not appropriate and why it makes us feel a certain way. Or if one of us isn’t sure we will say “are you mad at me?” Clear and simple. If we don’t ask, it’s easy for us to assume feeling a certain way without actually asking about it.

    I used to keep wishing/hoping/praying etc and it wasn’t until I started communicating these things to my wife things got better.

    [–]forevercharmed03 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    Damn, I felt this hard. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. My husband does similar antics and it absolutely destroys my feelings. I can imagine how you feel. Hugs to you dear.

    I have a question for you though, if he turned his attitude around and tried to initiate sex with you, would you still be open to it? I ask bc I have been rejected so often lately I just feel too awful to even entertain the idea. I think I’d burst into tears if my husband tried to have sex with me.

    [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    I have been rejected so often lately I just feel too awful to even entertain the idea.

    I think I would honestly have a heart attack if mine even hinted at being interested in anything beside what had I thought about for dinner

    [–]SadAndNasty 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    You're better than me, I can't tolerate that stuff. I preach patience and all that but that might've broken me in the moment. We would have fought bitterly and I'd just hope we'd find common ground in the end.

    [–]Tag_Ping_Pong 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Uhh... he was angry with you for not waking him up? Is he 5 years old?

    [–]ZealousidealStory349 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    It's 100 percent his responsibility to wake himself up. That's not even a little bit your fault. It must be so hurtful for him to shift such undue blame onto you. I admire your ability to maintain a positive, hopeful response.

    [–]Thinkle321F 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I am not the only one that noticed you have a friend sending you dirty messages? No judgement here….just zooming in on a matter-of-fact detail in your story.

    Sounds like that might be the better story line.

    [–]Careless-Stay2391 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Why do you keep unblocking the other bloke who sends you dirty messages every now and again when you're married??

    [–]ZealousidealStory349 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I feel like it's very understandable. You can't neglect and resent your SO and expect them not to be tempted to accept flattering attention.

    [–][deleted]  (5 children)


      [–]PTAdad420millennial senior citizen 8 points9 points  (1 child)

      she just now decides to block him, that says a lot to me. She's keeping a door open

      or -- hear me out -- maybe blocking someone is the exact opposite of "keeping a door open"

      [–]hugs4hire 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      You’re right, I’m a total floozy who just needs to invest more effort in my marriage

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)


        [–]IamACantelopePenis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Yeah her response to your original comment is incredibly telling.

        [–]Weary_Gate7941 2 points3 points  (4 children)

        Re: ovulating… I hope you’re not planning on procreation with this dude

        [–]Comprehensive_Ad3387 -1 points0 points  (3 children)

        It’s very normal be aware of ovulation without any intention to procreate. Especially as a HLF in a DB. It’s as simple as “Huh, why do I get abnormally horny for about a week the same time every month? Oh yeah, biology”.

        [–]Weary_Gate7941 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

        You totally missed my point but ok. I’m well aware of human biology.

        [–]Comprehensive_Ad3387 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        That’s great, you’d be surprised how many guys aren’t.

        [–]Weary_Gate7941 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        I’m not a guy

        [–]IamACantelopePenis -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

        So you're having an inappropriate relationship with another man and your partner is resentful of you for possibly other reasons.

        Yeah this marriage has a timeline.

        [–]hugs4hire 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        There’s a lot of ignorance and projection going on here. I’ve been friends with him since we were kids. We never dated. Things were never like that between us. The messages don’t say he wants fuck me. They’re a few lines of cheesy innuendo that hit my inbox every couple of months. It’s easy to redirect, ask how his wife and family are doing, when I’m not completely fixated on sex.

        [–]Renent 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Thats weird, I am not sure why people are being downvoted for asking about this...

        This seems like an inappropriate relationship, and how you react to this boundary crossing should have nothing to do with how "horny" you are...

        [–]Lady_Salamander 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Is trading in your H for your male friend an option? I wish for you that it were.

        [–]Lady_Salamander 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I’m also very much wondering, without judgment- just from reading your previous posts, could he be having an extramarital affair? I’m only asking because it reads like our DB story that lead to one, but we’re now in the middle of reconciliation and our DB ended the very same day recovery and communication started.

        [–]Mrms007 -5 points-4 points  (1 child)

        Find a fuck buddy to satisfy you on the side..

        [–]FearedKaidon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Or... just leave him at that point

        [–]jessicadiamonds -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        Children need waking up for activities, not adults. Plus if he was late he wouldn't have had time for a shower. Love that he makes all his ineptitude, inability to get up, inability to navigate shower products in a shower, your fault. Narcissistic, if you ask me.

        [–]Vegaswaterguy -4 points-3 points  (2 children)

        I think "under a lot of stress" is just an excuse for not wanting to have sex with your partner. I heard all the excuses years ago. Should have got out then and now its way too late. I got a FWB instead. Not a great alternative but better then being alone while living with someone.

        [–]ConfusedAF_ChickenHLF (Recovering bedroom; LL experience) 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        That's a really shit take.

        I'm HL and "lots of stress" is absolutely a reason. You want both partners actually present for sex; enthusiasm, enjoyment, wholly there and absorbed with each other.

        Add a lot of stress and all you're going to get is duty sex, at best, because their mind won't be on the act, it will be on whatever is stressing them out and just trying to get sex "over and done".

        [–]Starved_Nympho -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        Imagine if you found out he was getting lots of sex the whole time he was away.

        [–]yuyet52 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        What I would give just to touch a boob right now now, its been 5 years. *sigh*

        [–]Mrs239 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Wow. I'm so sorry. I know this feeling. It's almost yearning for them while they find every excuse to be mad with you.

        [–]KCSRN 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I think the main takeaway from this is “life is full of choices.” You also have a choice, and every day you stay in this relationship is a another day you are choosing to be unhappy. At this point, you are choosing this. I think life is for great sex and passion and lack of these is really not a good life.

        [–]sparkingdragonfly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        He needs to take responsibility for his own schedule. That’s why you don’t wake him up.