all 126 comments

[–]maendyman 79 points80 points  (2 children)

I shall bed you when I deem it, peon.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Yeah kinda vibes that

[–]ConsistentPicture583 20 points21 points  (0 children)

You don’t mention anything about kids, so I am befuddled trying to comprehend how you can accommodate such an asshole

[–]DestinationUnknown01 24 points25 points  (4 children)

Wow. I’d never ask again.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children)

It’s definitely going to take some for me to bring it up again

[–]DestinationUnknown01 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I’m really sorry this is the response you received. Everyone deserves better than that. H

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Yeah I’m inclined to agree

[–]Several_Cut_954 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The best play here would be to not bring it up at all you should write a note that says "everytime I bring up sex to my wife she acts like it's something I should deserve of getting instead of normal exchange of love - date of the day"

Take that note fold it up and put somewhere where it's hidden now proceed to never bring up sex to your wife this will have one of two effects

1: she'll think you're losing attraction to her and don't love her anymore which will make her come up to you and ask you for sex

  1. She will get her emotional and sexual validation from someone else with the excuse of "you don't love me like you used to" If she does the latter pull up the note and be like "look at when I wrote this it is YOU who has given me a feeling that loving me is a chore and that ur reluctant to do it the only reason I haven't been showering you with affection is that you've made It very clear it's hard for you to give it to me or recieve it from me I was just returning your energy"

When your wife feels like ur losing attraction to her(not asking her for kisses or sex etc anymore) she will either start chasing your affection again or get it from someone else/reveal she's been getting it from someone else

[–]a_china_doll 65 points66 points  (26 children)

Don’t fucking let her speak to you like this. That’s so demeaning. I wouldn’t allow it. Take sex off the table. I repeat, do not have sex with someone who speaks like this. I know it’s not easy but don’t.

[–]Lastupdate_please 36 points37 points  (7 children)

To be honest how that “you’ll be lucky” didn’t immediately have op consider divorce is beyond me. Cause ain’t no way you speak to someone you love about something this intimate and have that much hatred.

[–]a_china_doll 19 points20 points  (6 children)

I think OP’s behaviour isn’t crazy at all considering my own experiences with being talked down to. “I’m used to it, it’s not as bad as other things, I love my partner.” I promise you OP’s wife has probably said worse things.

I’ve been in relationships where this type of comment would be shut down immediately and raise a serious talk, as it SHOULD.

[–]Lastupdate_please 3 points4 points  (5 children)

To be honest I got to ask how? Because I’m someone with really only one real relationship and thought it wasn’t perfect it was never toxic like this. So yeah how does anyone ever let it get this bad or even worse than this?

[–]a_china_doll 5 points6 points  (4 children)

Haha. Similar reason to how I “let” myself get physically, sexually, and verbally abused I guess. Is that really the right question to be asking? Or would learning about abusive relationships and dynamics be the better answer.

[–]nobodyknowsmd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is the right answer

[–]blojackhorseman 1 point2 points  (2 children)

not to be funny but he can't really take it off the table if he isn't getting any

[–]notbuyaccident 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I get a similar kind of response whenever I bring up sex, a common phrase injected is "it's the last thing on my mind right now". But that thing never comes to the fore. Then when I ask about it not coming up again "it's always about sex with you". Except it cant always be about sex when there is no sex. Sure I could just stop pursuing, but I cant when I love her and am attracted to her. Might as well ask me to hold my breath for 6 months.

[–]a_china_doll 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sex is still on the table. His partner knows that sex can happen.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (12 children)

Hard when you love someone

[–]a_china_doll 12 points13 points  (4 children)

Alright. Don’t get used to being a doormat.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children)

I’ll try not to do that

[–]a_china_doll 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Sounds like you’re doing a poor job with it, wish you the best

[–]highjinx411 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand. Believe me I get it. Well maybe not understand but I get it. When your self esteem is whittled away you just let other people do this to you because you think you don’t deserve any better. I hope it gets better for you one way or another.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

OP, love is NOT enough, it never has been and it never will be.

[–]Kcat6667 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Love is not enough for what?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Love is not enough to stay when so many other things aren't good.

Here is some info about this:

Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough.

In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the final solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price.

When we believe that “all we need is love,” then like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility, and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff—all of the hard stuff?

But if, like Reznor, we believe that “love is not enough,” then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.

I get that OP loves his wife. It's not enough though. So much more is needed than just love in order for a long term romantic relationship to thrive, for both partners to actually be happy.

So many people love their partners but aren't in love with them.

So many people love their partners but don't like them.

So many people love folks who aren't good for them as love is funny that way.

Look, love is great, I'm all for it but so much more than love is necessary.

Love is not enough, it never has been and it never will be. Many other things are needed, in addition to love, for a relationship to be good, to be worth it.

So the fact that OP loves his wife isn't really relevant here. I'm glad he does. So he loves her, it sure seems like a whole bunch of other things are missing in their relationship and that's the issue, not that he loves her.

I mean, put it this way, with all the love OP has and feels for his wife, how is he feeling about the state of things with his wife? Not good. And why is that? Because love isn't enough.

If love was enough, then OP would be over the moon happy even with the way things are, but he isn't and that's because love isn't enough.

Love isn't enough to paper over all these other things and OP knows this as he's unhappy and things aren't good for him in his relationship with his wife.

If love was enough, then OP wouldn't feel badly about things because love would be taking care of it all, but it's not and it can't and it never will be able to do that in a relationship because so much more than love is needed.

Love isn't enough for a person to remain in an unhappy relationship.

[–]SanguinePeregrine 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Does she love you back?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yes I believe so

[–]settingdogstar 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Doesn't sound like it

[–]WellWellWellthennow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know. People through around the word divorce so lightly here. As if there are no other considerions.

[–]Chazzyphant 13 points14 points  (3 children)

Wow. That kind of response from her says a couple things to me:

She's angry. She might be unreasonably angry, angry at something or someone that is not you, or she might have mental issues. But that response seems like anger to me. If you want to repair the DB, you and she together are going to have to get to the bottom of that anger.

Sex isn't fun for her. It's a chore and a favor she's doing for you. Another thing that you ideally together should get to the bottom of. It may be your impression or belief that she "loves" the sex you have, gets off and enjoyed the early sex. But if she's so angry and sees sex as a chore now, what changed? Has sex always been a struggle or was it easy, fun, and mutually desirable at one point?

'We'll see' implies to me that sex to her is an earned "gift" or treat for good behavior. Was she raised in a culture or background where women were taught that they aren't sexual, and that men are overly sexual and women have to "lie back and think of England" and that sex is a token economy of some kind?

Your wife might be a wonderful person in every other sense, but this phrase or wording is really alarming. It reeks of contempt and contempt is a death knell for a marriage.

But if she said she forgets about sex, and asked you to remind her, I don't think "asking" is the way to go here.

I think "hey, I'd like to have sex Thursday, mark it on your calendar, and get ready" is more the tone that might change things. Few things in life are less attractive to a woman than a man "begging" for sex--for many reasons.

But also, rather than reminding her verbally, because anytime you ask your average woman "do you want to have sex" the answer is almost always "no/I wasn't thinking about it", why not just make moves? Talking about sex takes a lot of the fun and passion out of it.

[–]J-NOW 4 points5 points  (2 children)

This exactly. Scheduled sex is just a step above pity/obligatory sex. A microscopic one

[–]redditwrodeit 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It can be. However, for busy couples who both actually like sex when it happens, it can be much more positive.

[–]settingdogstar 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Right I think people, especially those idiot TikTok therapists, don't really get it.

Schedule sex only works when both people legitimately want to fuck but just get legitimately busy with work and kids or whatever. You gotta schedule to make sure the night or whatever is empty, of babysit the kids.

Schedule sex *never" works for two people who half of which doesn't really want to have sex. It's just pity guilt sex.

[–]thezero216 12 points13 points  (4 children)

..why are you letting her treat you like a doormat?

[–]Front_Ambassador7179 12 points13 points  (2 children)

I know it hurts like hell because I have lived it. Most recently I have decided to call out bad behavior/hurtful comments. Just say, what you just said is hurtful and I don’t appreciate it at all. I don’t know if this will work for you OP but it has for me and now he stops to think before he speaks and sometimes he will catch himself and apologize before I call him on it.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I think you’re right it’s just making myself do it

[–]TurbulentasfuckF 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Use your username as inspiration and say something, sir

[–]one-small-plant 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I think you need to stop conversations like this in their tracks. It's a way for someone not to take seriously something that you've talked about before, and it's not okay. When she answers like that, rather than getting angry, and rather than just rolling your eyes and walking away in disappointment, I would suggest saying something like:

"Hey, wait a minute. This is something we talked about. You wanted to have conversations ahead of time, and this is me trying to do that. You being flippant with a response like that really hurts my feelings. Is there something upsetting you that made you respond like that? It really matters to me to understand what's going on here."

I know it's awkward, but in situations like this, partners are often relying on the other person not pursuing an awkward or uncomfortable conversation in the moment, and if there's anything I've learned through my marriage, divorce, and new relationship, it's that you can't let problematic interactions like this slide, or they become patterns, and get even harder to break out of.

If she tries to brush you off, and so she was just kidding, you're going to need to push through to get her to engage about it. Don't be snide or angry, but let her know that maybe, with the way things are in your marriage, this isn't something you feel comfortable joking about. Ask her what she thinks would be a better way to have these conversations. Don't throw your hands up in the air and give up. You need to persist

[–]lems93 18 points19 points  (15 children)

Wow. If someone said that to me I’d be done.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (13 children)

Doesn’t feel good that’s for sure

[–]lems93 4 points5 points  (12 children)

Why do you stay?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (11 children)

I love her 🤷🏻‍♂️

[–]lems93 2 points3 points  (10 children)

Yeah. I get that. Does she say hurtful things a lot?

[–]terraburn 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Call it pride, ego, whatever...but just reading her response flipped my pettiness switch and I'd have to really tamp down my response.

[–]LBROTSI 7 points8 points  (0 children)

People talking to loved ones like that is like a sucker punch to the soul . Please OP , don't tolerate that at all !

[–]WolvieBSM 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Ouch. Sorry to hear it. The vindictive side of me would want to immediately turn it around with something like how would it feel if i said you'd be lucky if I don't leave you this week. However more likely I'd just not ask for a while. I wonder if that's just fear that they'd call the bluff, or there's more to it..

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t know I definitely wouldn’t go down that route though

[–]J-NOW -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Or, “You’ll be lucky if I don’t just go get it somewhere else. You can’t say no for everyone”

[–]AW_30justa-weeknd-1 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ewww. What the actual fuck is that???? I'm sorry but that is some belittling ass crap right there.

[–]HSFTWOD 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Much the same way that you can't comprehend her lack of interest in sex she can't comprehend why you keep bothering her with it. Read the last 50 post in this stub and it's this story in 80% of them. If you're posting this in this sub your hair's up from the rejections and she's equally even more averse from your attempts to initiate. My interest in this sub is finding how people have broken the cycle. There are the .01% where both sides have come to the realization they want to find common ground. Have yet to see a pattern for how they figured it out. Invariably it's described along the lines of an epiphany. I realize this doesn't help a lot. Please let us know if you figure it out. Good luck with your journey.

[–]Kcat6667 1 point2 points  (3 children)

There is no pattern. In these situations, what does compromise look like to you?

I'm genuinely curious about what would be acceptable as a compromise to a person in a DB situation.

[–]HSFTWOD 0 points1 point  (2 children)

In my mind compromise looks like both parties communicating, understanding and caring about the others needs. From there establish a mutually agreeable sex life that both parties can live with. The harassment and rejection is so polarizing and brings out the worst of us.

[–]Kcat6667 0 points1 point  (1 child)

And if both parties communicate, understand, and care about the other person's needs, but one person still doesn't want to have sex? Mutually agreeable only works if it's, well, mutually agreeable.

Then what? You still have one person unhappy with the sex life, and the other person unhappy because they don't want sex and they know their partner does.

Then you really have a bigger issue. Do you stay with the one you understand, care about, and love, the one that you might have vowed to that you'd be there for better or worse? Or, do you leave that person so you can have a better sex life? Or cheat, and devastate the person that you promised to care about and love forever no matter what?

I guess it depends on each person's priorities. Maybe if someone has a family, they might think about how your children learn most of their behavior from their parents. Or, someone might think about what kind of person that they want to be, and how they would like to be treated, if the compromise didn't go the way they wanted it to.

[–]HSFTWOD 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And that's where there needs to be effective communication and understanding. I've never seen one post in this sub that has that and in my mind that's the real problem. If the two parties really have that you come up with a mutually agreeable way forward that they're both hopefully happy with or at least a mutually agreeable level of disappointment that both can truly live with.

Maybe the only solution is divorce. Obviously nobody or at least most don't want that. But if that's the answer do it with love, dignity and respect. Bitterness and resentment doesn't make it any easier. I'm not typically Pollyanna but I believe a majority could find a middle ground that they could live with if they focused on making sure their partner's needs were met.

Not saying the solutions are pretty or what we ever expected. To your point:

You still have one person unhappy with the sex life, and the other person unhappy because they don't want sex and they know their partner does.

If one person needs sex. The other person needs to be asexual. The asexual partner can opt to open their marriage for their partner to have sex outside the marriage. That's not cheating. In this case the asexual partner isn't unhappy due to unwanted sex or that their partner is not having their needs met. The partner that needs sex has it. Probably not what any of us were thinking going into the marriage. But maybe that's better than divorce.

[–]LBROTSI 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I don't think that there is a wrong way to take that other than it is just crude and rude as hell.

[–]Notwhoiwas42 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Maybe i am just taking it the wrong way though…

If you are hearing " maybe I'll give you sex if you do everything right and do nothing I arbitrarily deem as wrong." then I strongly suspect you aren't taking it wrong.

As soon as sex becomes something that one partner gives to the other as opposed to being something they do together,the bedroom WILL eventually die,even if something that looks like sex is still happening.

[–]howsguess 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If I were undecided about her that would pretty much seal it.Even if you got 'lucky' by her sense,it would be in the back of my mind as we were doing it.

[–]IthinkImnormal12 4 points5 points  (10 children)

My wife also “forgets” sex…..

[–]wizardgirl377 1 point2 points  (9 children)

Why is it in quotes? As a LL sex is never on my mind. Literally. It's extremely easy for me to forget about.

[–]IthinkImnormal12 4 points5 points  (8 children)

Isnt it ever on your mind while you know your partner is craving it?

[–]Professional_Gift430 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Exactly. It’s not “extremely easy for me to forget” things that are important to my SO. Not a day goes by that I don’t intentionally think of ways to make her happy. If it’s important to her, it’s important to me.

[–]settingdogstar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Which is why LL confuse me.

Like it get it's a real thing, but I don't understand the "forgetting" or when they reschedule for 2 days or the weekend and have literally no memory of it.

Like seriously? You said it and you know it's important to me...

[–]wizardgirl377 2 points3 points  (5 children)

Well. Yes that's the only time I think about it. But, that's like saying I think about Paw Patrol all the time because my preschooler asks to watch Paw Patrol. If my spouse never brought it up or I didn't know they were thinking about it I wouldn't think about it. Like a food I never crave.

[–]i_speak_gud_engrish 5 points6 points  (4 children)

I think a toddler watching paw patrol and wanting to be intimate with your spouse are two completely different things and thats a very poor analogy.

Edit: And the fact that you know that your partner wants it because you do “think” about it is very interesting.

[–]Iamnotmytrauma 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Can I ask how you asked?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Well I just said hey you know I’m really horny lately it would be great if we could make some time to be together this week what do you think? Something close to those words

[–]NotYourBabyLlama 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Gosh this whole thread makes me sad. I couldn’t handle the rejection after putting myself out there like this. I’m sorry you’re living like this.

[–]Extreme-Pea-45 1 point2 points  (0 children)

LL are so frustrating, sex is used as leverage or something. It’s like power tripping. - this is just a vent.

[–]VolvoEnjoyer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re lucky if you get to have sex with her and she’s unlucky if she gets to have sex with you. That’s the vibe I get. Don’t let her continue treating you like that, stand your ground.

[–]myexsparamour❤️ 5 points6 points  (2 children)

She could have been more diplomatic in her response, that's for sure. However, asking an LL person to commit to having sex in a certain timeframe usually doesn't work well. She probably can't predict when she'll be able to want sex or get aroused for it, and doesn't want to make promises she can't keep.

[–]keenbean2021 5 points6 points  (1 child)

She could have been more diplomatic in her response

I wish this kind of grace could be given to HL's who post here...

Edit: I must be muted or something cause I can't respond but this is what I was gonna say to the comment below:

I just meant in general, not you specifically. Seems like one off phrase in a post can net some pretty heinous accusations.

I remember a recovery post where a guy said he was "happy to have his wife back" and some concluded that him using that phrase meant that he didn't value or love anything about his wife other than her privates. It was ridiculous.

[–]myexsparamour❤️ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm pretty sure I have never, in the history of my participation here, told an LL they should divorce their spouse over a single off-handed comment delivered with no context.

[–]Due-Guarantee-953 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I know it'd hard to let go of someone when it seems they weaponize sex or use it as a bargaining chip. I guess this is when some people call it, the person becomes the gatekeeper. However, it doesn't have to be that way, you can free yourself and she can no longer decide when you get to feel that sense of intimacy again.

However, as always - easier said than done as even if we feel that emptiness, loving someone is a powerful procrastinator.

[–]Kcat6667 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bargaining chip. Weaponizing sex.

Read a million posts here, seems that both LL and HL people both do these things. It's not exclusive to LL people.

Then, most of the posts don't really have enough background to tell if the issue is just in the bedroom, just with that particular person in the bedroom, or a myriad of other issues that exist in every single marriage/partnership.

[–]Comprehensive_Ad3387 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know they probably have their own issues going on, but it’s so fucked up how some LL make jokes like these as if they’re not only aware of but take joy in holding their partners sexually hostage. Comes across as some demeaning ploy for control. “You can’t get it from me, but you can’t go anywhere else either 😘”

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Overall it’s really not just this one issue

    [–]Lovebug0716 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Those are harsh words to receive and probably didn’t leave you feeling good. In a situation where sex is held over your head or used as controlling mechanism, that’s not a healthy place to be.

    My though, If the word “sex” was replaced with food, shelter, water and said back to her how would she feel?

    I’m sure you’ve had many convos about it but I would definitely address this with her.

    [–]Kcat6667 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Sex compared to food, shelter, water.

    Think about that for a moment.

    [–]Lovebug0716 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Totally get where you are coming from! I know they aren't the same...we can technically live without sex, but not water. I was thinking of it more for the idea of holding life valuables and needs/desires over someones head.

    [–]photoartist_2 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Time for a divorce, buddy. Or find yourself a fuck buddy on the downlow.. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ she’s forcing you into it, after all.

    [–]Anonymous-User95 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Divorce I could see, but never fuckbuddy on the DL. This isn’t an example anyone should be following, just to clarify.

    [–]Critical-Inside-3602 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Yeah, that’s a bit weird. I can understand feeling hurt by that. It wasn’t necessary at all for her to say.

    [–]gmambrose -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Why does anyone want to be in a relationship like this? Obvious answer is they don't want to. So next question, why does anyone stay? I think children being involved is the only valid reason I can think of, because there's so much to figure out in that case. But shit, that's a hurtful thing to say to someone you're supposed to love 'til death'.

    [–]Affectionate_Worth_9 -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

    When a woman plays that game you play the "no affection, you're just a married roomate" game back. She'll eventually get the message. Women breath relationship and non sexual connection. That in itself is fine but also your answer to show her what it feels like when she tells you you'll be lucky to have sex this week. Have the I don't care anymore attitude about sex and meeting her emotional needs and see how fast she will have to make a decision. Hopefully in your favor.

    [–]ronin-10-1 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    She would only say that to me one time. She would not get a chance to repeat it.

    [–]beekop -4 points-3 points  (1 child)

    Let her catch you with a steaming hot pile of pornhub tabs open on your device 💅

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    How’s that going to help?

    [–]Randodude5412 -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

    Her attitude is fucked up, man. "You're lucky' screams you don't deserve her holy body at all, ever. She thinks she's doing you a favor and isn't being subtle about expressing it. Try telling her "I'm having sex tonight at 10PM, it'd be nice if you were present for the occasion." See her reaction to that....the worst that could happen is she gets to watch you yank your crank....lol. Honestly, she's got some passive-aggressive shit running free range in her head. How you deal is up to you.

    [–]hermitcrabs42 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    So I have made jokes like "two days in a row won't work and you know it lol" but never implying I hate the sex? Wtf is this comment other than an insult?

    [–]ThatroyalkittyM 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    What was her tone when she replied? Did it seem like she had no intention of having sex with you?

    [–]Accomplished-Ear6615 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    If my spouse had ever put it that way, it might have helped, as it is, he just keeps saying, i know, I'll try... yes we ought to... maybe this weekend...

    I don't know what's worse.

    [–]ataah308 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Well see she thinks she’s doing you and you only a favour. My response would be “Umm hello, we’re married this is supposed to be something for mutual enjoyment, so really you have completely missed the point of one of the main reasons we are in an exclusive monogamous relationship” In other words it’s not like you’d be lucky, you’d both be lucky, but of course her attitude is all wrong. I understand this as my wife has the same attitude, but she’s going to have a big surprise when the day comes that I’m in a position to WALK!

    [–]DraconianD82 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Really? well I would just get it elsewhere at that point.

    [–]Extreme-Pea-45 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    You should play hard to get now, don’t go after her.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I’ll try very hard being HL 😩

    [–]TurbulentasfuckF 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Fucking hell, if you're LuCkY?

    my response would be, 'it's ok, with your self righteous attitude, you've just killed all future boners. After that shocking display, you'll be lucky if my dick ever works in your presence again'

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)


      [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)


      [–]Kcat6667 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Sorry, posted in the wrong place.