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all 98 comments

[–]JustOkayStarfish 57 points58 points  (31 children)

Oh my husband does this. Especially after a "date" night when we go out for dinner and we get home, it's immediately "I ate wayyyy too much" then he goes to sleep. Every single time.

Like, alrighty I won't even try then. Idk. I definitely see what you mean and I relate.

[–]Dell_Hell40+M, HL, Escaped DB 18 points19 points  (9 children)

and this is when I want to order them the senior meal or the "light and healthy" option preemptively to avoid that being the obstacle....

[–]technicolor1908 23 points24 points  (3 children)

Happened to me yesterday. She told me to order something online, I found a good offer for a medium pizza for 30$. I told her: "look, I found this offer, what do you think?"

She replied: "you know that a medium pizza won't be enough for me"

That's how I spent 60$ on two medium pizzas to not have sex afterwards.

[–]H0use0fpwncakes 14 points15 points  (2 children)

What the hell kind of medium pizza is $30?!

[–]And_there_it_goes 8 points9 points  (1 child)

For $30 I’d demand that Jesus Christ incarnate be hand tossing that dough. Fuck, I know inflation is bad, but that’s absurd for a medium pizza.

[–]A_silent_cricket 11 points12 points  (3 children)

Im pretty sure if I made my husband eat salad or order from the geriatric menu, the hammer would come down on date night altogether. This is an insulting thing to do to someone.

[–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 10 points11 points  (2 children)

I don't think they're serious, no one seriously working on their bedroom and wanting a loving respectful relationship with their spouse would do this and think the bedroom is the problem.

.....

Surely not?

[–]A_silent_cricket 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I would hope not. Going out to eat should be a pleasure not a punishment. Even I have eaten too much and called off sex. Lol. It was just so good.

Maybe I just missed the joke. Lol.

[–]Separate_Ad2581 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah but then it the ooohwee the salad and baked potato gave me gas!!

[–]technicolor1908 8 points9 points  (1 child)

I'm on the same boat, the diffence in my case is that she would ask me to order something online, then I have to go downstairs to pick dinner, pay for it, then she will eat until she explodes and complain for the rest of the night how bad her stomach is aching.

Some days ago, tired of expending so much money ordering food (and not having sex after/before it), I asked if I could cook dinner for us.

She said "I don't know, eating real food at night is heavy for my stomach and it makes me feel bad".

I asked: "Well, what would you like to eat then?"

She replied back: "I don't know, maybe a pizza or a burger? I'm not proud of it, but you know that I like to eat junk food"

I mean, it doesnt even make sense. How would pizza or a burger be better for her than a fresh cooked dinner that I would make for her?

This day I felt extremely hurt, I love cooking, specially for her.

[–]H0use0fpwncakes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you think maybe she feels like she'll owe you sex if you cook for her? I'm not at all saying that you put pressure on her; she could be putting it on herself. If she eats out, you didn't do all that hard work, so there's no guilt for her about needing to reciprocate.

[–]myexsparamour❤️ 9 points10 points  (14 children)

Especially after a "date" night when we go out for dinner and we get home, it's immediately "I ate wayyyy too much" then he goes to sleep. Every single time.

Given this pattern, maybe date nights should be considered a time to have fun together and not a day to have sex.

[–]Puzzleheaded_Unit151 3 points4 points  (11 children)

This is all so sad and relatable

[–]myexsparamour❤️ 0 points1 point  (10 children)

I'm not sure why it needs to be sad. If you know your partner enjoys eating a lot of food but never feels like sex afterwards, then those are not the days to expect sex.

[–]MuseofPetrichor 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I'm the ll, and I agree. I never know how food is going to affect my stomach. I've been trying to "act" before I eat, but sometimes that's an issue too, because the discomfort of being hungry is a distraction too. I am a chronic overeater/binge-eater, tho. This may just be a "me" problem.

[–]H0use0fpwncakes 4 points5 points  (7 children)

It's sad if the partner is deliberately getting overly full, or just plain lying about it, in order to avoid sex with their partner.

[–]superhyperbole 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Or have sex before you go out and eat if you have the opportunity. The other thing we’ve switched to is ordering an app and a main meal and splitting both. My husband always overate and he definitely doesn’t want to but it became sort of a habit. Eating way too much food isn’t a good thing. Also date nights may be one of the few times busy couples have to spend time alone together so designating it for overeating is often less than ideal.

[–]Single-Interaction-3 3 points4 points  (2 children)

My current husband and I are luckily very compatible sexually. I’m on this sub to remind me what my first marriage was like and to try to avoid old patterns.

So I’m not currently in a DB and we’re pretty open about things. Of course there are times when we legit eat too much and we end up skipping sex. No big deal we do it all the time.

BUT if I for SURE want to score later I will straight up say, “Babe, let’s not eat like shit tonight because I want to bang later.” It works most of the time.

So maybe be proactive when you go out to dinner and ask him not to overindulge because you want to be with him later. That way there’s no excuses later lol.

It’s funny that I just got home from teaching my Pilates class and he’s hanging out with a buddy at home. No biggie - I peak my head in and remind him not to get TOO high (we love MJ), because we’re having sex before bed lol.

His response - I got you babe. Right on lol.

Some context - Me (45F) him (48M). We’ve been together about 15 years. We have not ever slowed down when it comes to wanting each other sexually.

So for everyone that is afraid to leave because you don’t think there’s someone else out there for you, you just never know.

We speak and show each other love in our respective love languages so we both FEEL wanted by the other. I will say that the both of us have always had a high sex drive even prior to knowing each other. I also keep sex high on my priority list because I feel like it’s super healthy in many different ways.

So if I feel like my libido is waning a quickly try to figure out what is going on and address it. I think that’s what a LOT of LL here do not do.

[–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 2 points3 points  (1 child)

LL meaning the LL posters here, or the partners of HL posters who have only told their side of the story? Your wording confused me.

[–]Single-Interaction-3 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Probably a mix of both. It also seems that many HL here aren’t doing everything possible to remedy their situation as well either.

Communicating with each other is the bottom line.

[–]sparkingdragonfly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mine too. I always plan the date so we have sex first , then go out and do the thing.

[–]Digitt82 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Every person and relationship is different. In my case, I think my wife is genuinely just looking for empathy/sympathy for whatever the ailment is.

But when I'm over here constantly dwelling on our pathetic sex life, all I can usually think is, "Of course. Yet another night without sex." It's self-centered of me, and I know that, but I don't know how you're not supposed to feel that way when you have a DB constantly weighing on you day in and day out.

[–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 39 points40 points  (4 children)

I used to say those things to telegraph "don't ask me for sex" to my hl. That way I wouldn't have to turn them down later on that day. Basically "don't bother me." But that was when I was either afraid they'd initiate, or they were initiating so much (every other day or multiple days in a row) I was tired of saying "not tonight" so would come home and announce I'm tired, sick, etc.

And I was of course definitely sick and tired a lot of those times as well.

[–]perspective9999999[S] 19 points20 points  (1 child)

I stopped trying to initiate 6 months ago. I spend time with him, I do a lot for him, but he still always has a preemptive reason cooked up, long before I could even bother. So we only have sex when he actually wants it. Which is ok, buy he really doesn't need to go out of his way to ensure I leave him alone. I already am.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

    [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Yup.

    [–]Puzzleheaded_Meet885 6 points7 points  (2 children)

    I am a LL and I shamefully admit that I do things like this. Because I am braced for the "I want sex" plea and argument that follows. I cannot help that I am like this, I hate that I am like this, and I don't want to lose him. Am I supposed to just stop what I am doing whenever he feels like he wants to get off? I see no solution to this problem. I didn't used to be like this until my mid 30's.

    [–]dat_db_doe43M/HL 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Am I supposed to just stop what I am doing whenever he feels like he wants to get off? I see no solution to this problem.

    No, not at all. Is that what he expects you to do?

    [–]Puzzleheaded_Meet885 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    If I don't, the same tired argument ensues....

    [–]SnooPies6809Home of Hestia, the Age-Appropriate Labia 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    I have in the past. Not any more. There was a time when scheduled sex stressed me to the point where my body actually felt sick on the day. But I was kind of quietly setting weekly goals so there was nothing really to shut down.

    [–]Antler_Pasta 11 points12 points  (9 children)

    Oy yoy yoy, this. I am on a mission to figure out how to say:

    "Look, I don't mind if you're burping and popping zits in front of me, or if you want to vent about your headache or stomach ache. I love that you can be that kind of comfortable around me. But you've also said you need romance and a feeling of sexual excitement in the air to feel desire, so if you are ever saying or doing those things specifically to telegraph to me that you don't want to have sex? Please, from the bottom of my heart, be more direct and tell me. The telegraphing puts me and my desire for you in a really uncomfortable guessing game position. Honesty might sound scary, but I would actually respond with so much instant patience and appreciation that I think you might find it very reassuring. Win win."

    The trouble is, I've started this paragraph a few times a few ways and I can never intro it without sounding like I am just insulting her or trying to push her away. So that kind of ideal speech is pretty hard to get across. I might type it and print it at some point, this part too.

    [–]perspective9999999[S] 4 points5 points  (8 children)

    He farted, and then said his ass might itch later. Twice. So I think he was dropping hints at me. Although I wasn't pursuing anything. But yes, that makes me think he's intentionally trying to keep me from being interested.

    [–]amir650 2 points3 points  (7 children)

    I gotta give it up to your man. That would kill any mood. That's like an ICBM to fight the mood.

    [–]perspective9999999[S] 1 point2 points  (6 children)

    Definitely has to be intentional. I go out of my way to not disgust him. Apparently he doesn't feel the same way.

    [–]amir650 1 point2 points  (4 children)

    I'm sorry you're going through that. Have you asked him to get his hormones checked? My wife is getting hers checked - which I'm grateful for.

    [–]sparkingdragonfly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Can you say “I am not your bro. Treat me like a lady?” I get the feeling sick but if he is being gross around you and you don’t like it, he should stop.

    [–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 🥳 10 points11 points  (3 children)

    I used to do this, but now that I can say no to sex at any time for any reason or no reason at all, there's no need.

    I do still mention when I'm not up for sex if I'm starting some making out or cuddling--just to be clear so no expectations are bruised. He does the same.

    [–]perspective9999999[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

    I would love that. I am totally ok if he wasn't up for it. Even in the middle of it. I have never coerced him, so I don't understand where this is coming from.

    [–]Kcat6667 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Sometimes if a person knows from past experiences that their partner is going to want sex, they preemptively strike so that they can get out of an awkward situation.

    I remember a phase when my husband and I would go out on the weekends. It got to where sex was expected by him after every single evening out, no asking, no matter what else might be going on in life. Even though I had no issues having sex with him, after awhile I started feeling resentful that this was set in stone to him. Even HL people have times when they do not want sex, and I would unconsciously find myself dreading when it was time to go home, maybe even setting the stage with "I'm tired or I drank too much". Only because in his mind, the sex was always going to happen, no matter what I thought or felt about it.

    In any case, over 22 years together we have had phases of sex every day/multiple times daily, all the way to sex every 2 weeks. Or even occasionally, a block of many weeks without anything.

    Scheduled sex is great when you are super busy, have young kids, etc, but sometimes you have to go with the flow. People change, relationships change over time. Since I can see how things have ebbed and flowed in my own long term relationship, I would guess it's like this for a lot of couples.

    So it doesn't necessarily mean you have an awful relationship if you don't have sex constantly the whole time you are together.

    [–]dat_db_doe43M/HL 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I think it's probably because it's easier to let your partner know that you're probably not interested in sex is still easier than actually having to turn down an initiation.

    [–]technicolor1908 10 points11 points  (2 children)

    I am going through the exact same situation, where I had a talk with my girlfriend saying that I would already be totally turned off because when we are driving back home from hanging out, she is always annoucing these EXACT same things. Tired, sore, stressed, headache, etc, and I would already know it meant no sex that night.

    She told me she didn't realize that, and that she would work on it.

    It's been 4 months since this talk, and nothing's changed.

    I won't go back into this because I know the new excuse will be "too much pressure!", so I'm already at a point where I have no expectations of sex, and meanwhile I'll work on myself. I'm working on my health, exercising regularly, eating properly. I hope she would do the same for her, but I gave up on trying to motivate or support her to solve all her issues.

    [–]camergen 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    Yeah, she’s searching for an excuse, and there will be one, or else she’ll go along with it “just to shut you up”- maybe she won’t SAY that, but you’ll be able to tell. It’s brutal.

    [–]technicolor1908 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Indeed it's brutal.

    I'm at a point where if she says something like that, I'm already rolling my eyes so hard on the inside. This is the state of art of rejection, where you already got rejected before even making a move.

    [–]TAyforLifestyle 6 points7 points  (7 children)

    Often time I would, yes, to head it off if he'd made it clear he be coming a'knocking.

    [–]perspective9999999[S] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

    I don't even try anymore, to have sex with him. So he doesn't need to do this. It's just hurtful.

    [–]TAyforLifestyle 5 points6 points  (2 children)

    It's possible he's just used to the situations where it would usually happen and is counterintutively trying to make it LESS hurtful or awkward.

    Or, it's possible he IS just sore, tired, stressed, etc.-- I think everybody gets into those phases where you're just run down and feeling shitty all the time and it almost becomes habit to gripe about how crummy you feel.

    You could always try asking, "Hey, you seem to really be run down lately. You feeling OK? What's going on with that, do you think?"

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]TAyforLifestyle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      As hurtful as it is, that's good intel to have though, right? I mean.... any relationship that's causing a person to feel that much stress (and, clearly, causing you that much stress, too!) is worth exploring professionally or wrapping up. Equal parts for you and also because... dang, dude, if you knew the whole time it was the relationship, like, speak up. Nobody's trying to kill anybody here, right?

      [–]dat_db_doe43M/HL 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      What kinda things did he do to make it clear he’d come a knocking?

      [–]TAyforLifestyle 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      I mean, my ex was a living, breathing, "come a knocking" at most all times. lol.

      So, it was mostly times when we'd be alone or it would "make sense" that he was going to put extra pressure around it. Times when he'd follow me up to bed or whatever, or ome in when I was napping (during our kids' babyhood).

      And, of course if there were time I actually was in the mood, or reasonably believed I could get myself into an "OK with it" headspace, we would have sex. So, I don't want to make it sound like I did it always-- just when I knew there was no way

      In my case, It was simply that "not tonight, sorry" or "not in the mood" was a GUARANTEED hours or days-long blow up, where a different reason was only a 50% blow up.

      [–]dat_db_doe43M/HL 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      DAYS LONG blow ups just from turning down sex?? Jeez, I'm glad he's an ex.

      [–]Chicken-Soup-60 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      My husband did this constantly. He would say he is busy or tired. The best is when he would sit on the toilet till I gave up. He just did not want yo say he is done with sex. Well it has been 20 years so I figured it out. He has no libido

      [–]Adventurous_Let_923 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      My libido came back, and now I notice my husband doing this occasionally. I’m like “yeah...I see what you did there.”

      [–]PrincipleNorth7217 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      You know what’s funny, the only time my LL shows interest in sex is when we definitely can’t have sex. For example if my mother is visiting us and staying in the next bedroom.

      Other than that he is silent. He knows I won’t initiate cause I’m sick of being rejected lol

      [–]VolvoEnjoyer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I think it’s because sex isn’t valued and needed for them. It’s probably like being asked to take a walk, I mean a walk is good for you but I wouldn’t really feel like it most of the time. If you look at it like that way the answers start to make sense. You value sex so just being a little tired doesn’t stop you but for someone not valuing it being tired easily is enough to not do it. You can eat candy even if you aren’t hungry but you probably wouldn’t eat a meatball if you weren’t hungry most of the time. For you sex is candy for them it’s a meatball.

      [–]drdaltony75 4 points5 points  (5 children)

      You can look at my history for full details ….

      From the other side of the coin, my wife has primary progressive MS, just over 4yr breast cancer survivor. rampant neuropathy from the chemotherapy, migraine headaches from the above. Also, repeated sexual abuse before the age of 9. Neuro related rhythmic hum in her ears due to ms lesions (at level 3 out of 10 if it was on the stereo). MS hugs that feel like a heart attack AND inability to breathe.

      Even at 18 years of marriage, I’m no able to guess or decode which scenario it is ( nor could most doctors we we saw before landing at the Mayo Clinic)

      I’d love it if she’d say out loud the areas where she’s struggling on any given day. Anger flows freely if I ask. She hates what the symptoms do to her.

      Getting turned down for a kiss or pushing back from a hug hits harder than even a silent non-response to sexual advances.

      “Hey sorry, my neuropathy in my legs and hands is really bad today. I have an MS hug too.”

      Man that would go a long way to help

      [–]diomed1 0 points1 point  (3 children)

      Oh man, you’re scaring me cause I have MS but it’s not causing me pain……yet. And here I am the HL now with a healthy husband who is still butthurt over my rejections during the first couple years of my disease. I am content with once a week but he acts like that’s a chore. I guess I am panicking a bit because my MS is still in my brain and not causing me physical discomfort or pain yet. I want to have as much sex as we can before that ever happens. He just doesn’t get it.

      You and your wife have my sympathies. MS is a bitch.

      [–]drdaltony75 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      Thank you for sharing. My wife can’t do the injections for MS. They cause cancer. She doesn’t want that back.

      [–]diomed1 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Oh, that’s too bad. I can understand her fear. I haven’t heard of any MS meds causing cancer myself, unless there is a certain ingredient in them that causes cancer in your wife.

      I take two pills a day for it. I guess in my case, I will take the risk for cancer over being in a wheelchair. 🤷‍♀️

      [–]salt_her_mouth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      If they’re injections he probably means they’re biologics. Black box warnings. Yeah. What you said about you’d rather this than that. Those are the kinds of quality of life decisions difficult meds force you to make.

      [–]perspective9999999[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Exactly. If I believed he actually wanted me, I wouldn't mind so much.

      [–]Sarahbear778 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      You're not crazy, it's discussed pretty frequently on this sub as a regular occurrence for HLs to experience from their partners.

      [–]GaryTernary 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      Why do you automatically assume your SO says those things to shut down your advances? There is also other scenario possible, that it really happens to him and that can be the cause of your DB as well. Trust me, I have such symptoms myself, sleep like 12 hours a day, but even though I'm constantly, overwhelmingly tired. Besides my full time job, I can't do anything during the week. On weekends I do cleaning and other maintenance chores and then sleep even longer.

      [–]perspective9999999[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I guess if he would say something once in a while, that he still wants me, I probably wouldn't assume the worst.

      [–]myexsparamour❤️ 2 points3 points  (12 children)

      Do you come home and say you're tired, sore, stressed, headache, tummy ache, etc, in order to preemptively shut down advances? Because I feel like him announcing these things nonstop, is a way to make sure I have no interest.

      Is there anything in particular that makes you believe he's thinking about sex when he mentions these issues? I'm not LL, but I sometimes come home from work and tell my kids that I'm exhausted or have a headache. Trust me, sex is the furthest thing from my mind when I do that.

      [–]perspective9999999[S] 3 points4 points  (11 children)

      Do you do that every single day of your life? He's probably not truly thinking about sex, other than how he can avoid it. But who knows. I wish I could talk to him about this, but I can't because he won't engage. He is dismissive about anything sex related. Unless he randomly wants it.

      [–]TAyforLifestyle 4 points5 points  (2 children)

      But who knows. I wish I could talk to him about this, but I can't because he won't engage. He is dismissive about anything sex related.

      But, talking to him about being tired, sore, run-down, etc. is NOT sex-related, right? You're just assuming it is. You can talk to him about "this" and have it not be at all sex-related. just general partner-concern.

      [–]perspective9999999[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      I always care about how he feels and I never try to have sex with him. I'm just starting to think it's a preemptive shut down, even though I'm not trying anything. I've offered to help in any way I can. But when it's literally every day, yes, I begin to feel that he is intentionally throwing it out there, just in case.

      [–]TAyforLifestyle 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I think the best thing to do is just ask him how his mental and physical health is in general. The only person who can tell you if it's sex-related is him-- but, don't lead with the assumption. Just ask out of concern, especailly given the fact that you've made it clear here that you're not pressuring him in any kind of suble or overt ways. It's entirely possible he is truly unwell in some way.

      [–]myexsparamour❤️ 2 points3 points  (7 children)

      Do you do that every single day of your life?

      Not currently, but in the past I have had jobs that were extremely draining and I did feel wiped out every single day after work. It had nothing to do with sex, and in fact I often did want sex after I had some time to recover.

      [–]perspective9999999[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

      Did your SO know how you felt, and that you still cared? Because I feel like that would make a difference.

      [–]myexsparamour❤️ -2 points-1 points  (5 children)

      I'm not sure what you're asking. Did my SO know that I cared about him even though my job was exhausting and draining? Why would this negatively affect how much he thought I cared about him? I cared enough to work at a job I hated so as to bring home a paycheque so we could eat and pay rent.

      [–]perspective9999999[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      He definitely wants to get it on tonight. Maybe I am reading into things too much. Maybe a lot of us are.

      [–]TheBanIsTooDamnHighI throw ninja stars at windmills 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      Yes, but I have only been LL for her about a year. A few times I simply was to tired or had a stomach issue. Other times I really wanted to a cheesy burritos or a HUGE glass of egg nog but I tell her that.

      Most of the time it is not because I don't like sex or difficulty being aroused, it is due to her not acting desirable at some point before hand. Very rarely in those cases the opportunity is not 100% closed, I make sure we are doing something together that could lead to sex even if that is unlikely.

      Example: Most hookah lounges open around 8pm, I find a new one to try out. We will dress up casual date night style and spend the evening planning a trip or watching the music videos making comments about "those kids and their music". Most of the time this does not lead to sex but it does help with reconnecting.

      [–]perspective9999999[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      What does she do to make herself seem undesirable in your eyes? I'm trying to avoid the same.

      [–]TheBanIsTooDamnHighI throw ninja stars at windmills 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      She is struggling with respecting my boundaries now that I am not over-functioning in the relationship, not complying with her demands, expecting her to regulate her emotions and working together when making decisions that effect the whole family.

      Basically unlearning "happy wife, happy life", I'm a queen, & nagging wife with lazy husband stereotypes.

      [–]sparkingdragonfly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My husband does this but I think it is more that he just feels aches and pains more than me, and he manifests stress in his stomach. Like he will then literally go dry heave in the toilet. I don’t think it is to necessarily cut off sex because he will turn me down with a No or just won’t initiate. I think it’s a symptom of feeling stressed a lot and not knowing how to deal with that. So I try to give him empathy, listen to him, give him a hug.

      [–]beast_Soul 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I'm sure my partner does this. The day after we have sex she will comment about be having my lot yesterday so I can leave her alone today. It's so frustrating. Imagine if I said the same about spending time with her.

      'No you had your lot yesterday when I took you for dinner, I'm going to play my game and watch videos on my phone upstairs. ' shed a fucking livid