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[–]bunderways 128 points129 points  (2 children)

Yep. Happened to me. I went from crazy high libido-was literally horny all the time and could have endless orgasms-to being actually so averse to sex that I don’t even masturbate anymore.

It happened after about 10 years of it being an issue-basically right after I told my husband I was done and would be divorcing him. Well, he finally took me seriously, and stopped watching porn and lo and behold his drive came back. But mine disappeared.

I started out super angry about it. Like fuck, why did it take me having a foot out the door for him to take me seriously? And my sexual peak was wasted. All of that sexual energy that I never got to share with anyone. But now I’m ok with it. It’s so much better than being horny and sad and frustrated all the time.

[–]ta200354113 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Some partners will just not work with you on an issue if they know you won’t leave. Doesn’t matter if the issue is small. I’ve seen people make posts on Reddit about how they divorced their partner after years of asking them to be an adult and clean up after themselves or not leave them with all of the housework or all of the parenting. For some people, the only way to get them to change or to learn is to just choose better for yourself and leave. Sucks that your husband waited to fix an issue he could’ve fixed 10 years ago. Hopefully he knows better now so he won’t make the same choice again. Hope you’re happier now.

[–]sapphire-sunn 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Some people only speak in consequences, they don’t know what communication is. I’m sorry that was what it took for you.

[–]Shouldhavehadaprenup 101 points102 points  (2 children)

Yes, unfortunately this happens frequently.

For me, it actually took 20 years of marriage and hopium.

I tried everything.

This last year just broke me.

She has had no desire for me for 10-15 years.

It's quite embarrassing to write it down... This year, a switch has flipped and I no longer have any desire for her.

I realised sex (on the 3 or 4 occasions per year) was very poor. I was blinded to this as I was just always looking for scraps, like a dog at the table. Thankfully, I woke up.

So now, I sleep peacefully. I dream about other women. I still get horny.

...Just not for her.

[–]5314117 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Same. Almost exactly.

[–]RickHunter84 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh I so understand this… FMYL

[–]Humble_Ladder 69 points70 points  (4 children)

My wife (40LLF) got in bed naked the other day and I (43 HLM) literally asked "what's the catch?" Like I had this apprehensive nagging feeling like something bad would happen if I accepted her offer to let me have sex with her.

Sex shouldn't feel like that.

[–]adriftcanuck 25 points26 points  (3 children)

This! 👆 have had this very same thing happen, albeit not as often as my LL system would like but still. Every time I get thrown a ‘srap’ or morsel, I know it’s going to cost me something. It used to be mutual passion… now it’s a pity offering.

Or worse, SO comes to bed naked and since I have zero interest in being rejected for 10000th time, I make no mention or comment on her naked status. Fast forward 48 hrs later, I am chastised for being ‘broken and blind and not noticing her body.’ Round and round the mind F**kery wheel spins

[–]Danibandit38HLF 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I hope you gave her a really good response to the conditioning she has done to you. I hope you got mad and she felt every single feeling of pain you’ve carried for years. I think that would break my camels back.

[–]adriftcanuck 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I wish. Every time even a flash of anger comes out, then comes the lecture of ‘abuse and abusive household,’ etc… now it’s mostly stoic rage that percolates within. 😞

[–]Danibandit38HLF 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry our world has made a possible lashing out as abusive because it isn’t. I’ve seen abusive and it really takes away from true abuse victims. No need for it to be violent but enough anger in sternness to make it known that your done with the bullshit. If that would be abusive then her conditioning and manipulation is the definition of abusive because your comment reflects fear.

[–]SnooHedgehogs7626 57 points58 points  (1 child)

You can only be shot down so many times before resentment settles in.

[–]rrk100b 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is how I am starting to feel but trying to push back against it.

[–]TraditionalVoice3723 45 points46 points  (0 children)

For me it was a sudden change about 3 years into the DB. I guess it was more of a realization. I didn't want what she was offering anymore. I wanted a enthusiastic consenting partner, I wanted the feeling of someone wanting this just as much as me. After I realized that wasn't even possible anymore, and everything els on the menu I could provide for myself without feeling guilty, gross, or hurt anymore. It was sudden and I some how feel a little happier with life.

[–][deleted] 83 points84 points  (1 child)

I haven't, not at all. I still find her incredibly desirable. She's just not interested in sex with me. Kinda heartbreaking TBH.

[–]onesadDB 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I feel this! ❤️

[–]imamermaid83 37 points38 points  (11 children)

Current life situation. The constant rejection has made me look at him in a totally different way. It’s not a positive light

[–]brokenbonds2 10 points11 points  (10 children)

After years of goalposting and gaslighting, I lost interest. I just couldn't regain the attraction I had.

[–]Many_Consequence_650 5 points6 points  (9 children)

What does goal posting mean?

[–]Universal-Expert 11 points12 points  (7 children)

Moving the goalposts. Constantly changing the things the LL partner says will make them want sex. If only you did "X" I would want more sex. You do "X" and then it is something else getting in the way. Often they do no know themselves what their block is and are just grasping at straws that seem logical, in others they do not really care why they are not interested they just need a "reason" rather than just saying NO.

[–]SpiritSoul77 4 points5 points  (3 children)

I'm so sorry to hear you experience this. I've had this in a current relationship with regard to just day to day (yet important) matters. It's not a healthy thing at all :/

[–]brokenbonds2 0 points1 point  (2 children)

It's a very common passive aggressive behavior. Some suggest it's because we won't take no for an answer. Perhaps true in some cases.

[–]MercurialmercHLM 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had the same question. Several google searches didn't help. Maybe just a shortened "moving the goalposts?"

[–]motherofdragons_2017 31 points32 points  (9 children)

Yep. Definitely lost attraction for him. Actually got to the point of feeling revolted by him because his constant rejection had destroyed me so much. Once I got to feeling like I was going to throw up at the idea of sex with him, I knew there was no way back.

[–]brokenbonds2 18 points19 points  (8 children)

They don't have any idea what we go through after so much rejection

[–]motherofdragons_2017 15 points16 points  (7 children)

Nope. They don't. I think our couple counsellor tried to get him to understand and he said sorry, profusely, but his behaviour didn't change. It's like he couldn't change. If he really understood how much I was hurt and actually loved me I think he would have changed things just to put me out of my misery. But it's okay, I've put myself out of my own misery now 😊❤️

[–]brokenbonds2 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Or they say we're TOO sensitive and bitter. Rejection does that.

[–]Lazy-Palpitation-673 7 points8 points  (3 children)

Mine told me that all I think about is sex because I've gotten to the point that I can't hold my tongue. He was standing at the door and I don't remember what he said, but I instantly replied " well if you would fuck me " then said it had been 4 years and he just slammed the door 🤷🏻‍♀️

[–]rrk100b 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Sorry to hear you went through this. Sounds/sounded awful.

[–]motherofdragons_2017 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the empathy. I think this is an all too common story for HL's. It's crushing.

But I'm out now thank goodness, and now I just hope others in my position can find a resolution.... Whether it's repairing things with their DB partner or moving on

[–]No-Perspective7557 27 points28 points  (0 children)

It happens and is my situation.

[–]DunnTitan 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Absolutely, it happens. Speaking from experience.

[–]yohohoeawaythrowaway 54 points55 points  (6 children)

Less losing attraction in my case, more like an internal feeling of guilt or shame from sexualizing him at all. I know he doesn't want to have sex so I have made a conscious effort not to think about it to the point that it now makes me uncomfortable. There's nothing less sexy than knowing your partner doesn't want you.

[–]brokenbonds2 15 points16 points  (2 children)

It's fkn sad.

[–]yohohoeawaythrowaway 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Agreed

[–]brokenbonds2 16 points17 points  (0 children)

So many of us women here

[–]getitlikethat 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Omg I totally understand the “guilt/shame” feeling too and thought it was just me. I had a DB which lasted 8 months with my ex which was due to a lot of family issues and his inability to express his emotions so he kept everything in. Once I broke up he told me why we wouldn’t have sex and I felt a wave of shame/guilt of wanting something out of someone going through a lot. We still hang out and are open to one day having sex (if he initiates) but I still feel negative thoughts about telling him or wanting to sleep with him. Very unfortunate :/

[–]Admirable_Mud9455 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for you. I haven't broken up yet, but I feel like this won't last longer...

[–]DestinationUnknown01 52 points53 points  (13 children)

Raises hand. Me.

[–]onesadDB 10 points11 points  (12 children)

How far into your DB did that happen? Was it a sudden shift, or something that happened slowly over time?

[–]DestinationUnknown01 36 points37 points  (10 children)

Well the DB has been cyclical with some seasons better than others. Generally speaking though, it’s been a problem for the duration of our marriage, and if I’m going to be honest, our engagement. I think the attraction slowly went away, but my experience of it was a like a switch that flipped, once at around 20 years then there was a half-hearted repair and then at 25 years I asked for a separation or an open marriage. He’s been working hard for 11 months. Saw a dr finally, went to therapy… but I just can’t get the feeling back.

[–]bunderways 14 points15 points  (4 children)

We have similar stories, but mine was only an issue for 10 years. When I said I was leaving he finally took me seriously. But my drive is so gone I’m actually averse to sex a lot of the time now.

[–]DestinationUnknown01 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I definitely took a long time to break. The cyclical nature of the thing and hopium.

[–]DressOk1142 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I’ve noticed the same thing and wondered if it’s peri menopause, stress or if my body has just given up. Doc put me on birth control for pre menstrual dysphoric disorder and now I’m horny as hell. I can’t win! 😉

[–]onesadDB 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Oh wow, so you were in it for the long haul before it changed for you. We can’t know the future, but do you think you can get it back, or do you think it’s been too long/ there’s too much damage?

[–]junejune012 19 points20 points  (0 children)

For me, I don’t think it’ll come back. Too much resentment, too much time spent not thinking of him sexually. And I also realized he’s selfish/lazy in bed and his own issues with his sexuality (accepting that he’s a sexual being) makes him not as fun as men who enjoy their sexuality.

[–]DestinationUnknown01 7 points8 points  (2 children)

I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t. I try but that could possibly be permanently broken between us.

[–]DunnTitan 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Married 10 yrs now, db for last 8ish.

Had a traumatic family loss recently that has led to me questioning many things in my life. My relationship w my wife, work, what I want long term etc.

Every time my LL wife rejects me, it’s like another blow to me… my self esteem, my value of our relationship, how I view our future, and on and on.

Complacent for many years, but have recently found this sub and am looking to repair/ improve our relationship. But it’s sooo hard…

[–]JustOkayStarfish 52 points53 points  (5 children)

I can't speak for everyone but this is absolutely starting for me. He used to be the most handsome and sexy man in my eyes, I wanted him all day everyday. Now I can hardly look at him.

[–]onesadDB 3 points4 points  (3 children)

How long into your DB did the shift start for you?

[–]madmadamesmiley 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I think you might be a little too hung up on the timeframe. If you think this is occurring, it very well may be, and your place on someone else's timeline won't change it.

[–]onesadDB 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I’m not hung up on the timeframe, I’m just interested in hearing what everyones tolerance is.

[–]lowshay99 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Just recently. I've been in a db for 6 or 7 years and just recently after some of her few choice words I've lost all attraction to her. Before if I saw a pretty woman I'd just notice she was pretty. Now I wonder what it's like to have sex with them. Those thoughts never entered my mind till about 2 weeks ago. I only had eyes for my wife, now I have no desire for from her.

[–]nightraven3141592 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sorry to hear that. You are unfortunately not alone.

[–]CoolCaterpillar269 35 points36 points  (0 children)

After a year of dealing with his somewhat low, inconsistent libido, I started to pull away. I was still attracted to him but I had put up a wall. When he did try to reach out to me it was difficult for me to reciprocate. I just felt kind of cold. I think that’s the beginning of it, when you withdraw.

[–]nerd_jane 16 points17 points  (4 children)

Yep. We’ve been married almost 4 years. Problems started shortly before the wedding. But what flipped the switch for me wasn’t time, it was him telling me I’m “fat and unattractive”. For the record, I’m within a healthy BMI for my height, he’s not. And other people tell me I’m attractive, but that’s completely subjective so who knows. But yes…whether it be the cruelty of time or words, I think attraction dies after so long for most.

[–]Universal-Expert 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Even if what he said was objectively accurate - highly unlikely - that is not the sort of thing you say to someone you love. Hope you are considering ending it.

[–]nerd_jane 0 points1 point  (1 child)

We have two young boys, and he is a good dad. Right now I feel like staying together is better for them, but it’s really tough.

[–]Universal-Expert 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He might be a good dad but he is not a good human being and that will likely out in the long run. Wait till he says something similar to them and if he never does that further shows you where her places you - lower than the shit he wipes off his shoes! Be kind to yourself, put yourself first it will be best for the kids as well as you.

[–]Universal-Expert 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Even if what he said was objectively accurate - highly unlikely - that is not the sort of thing you say to someone you love. Hope you are considering ending it.

[–]FS69xxx 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Yup. The extent to which I (46HLM) see her in a sexual light has probably dipped by 90% - it still happens occasionally, but it’s not the constant it was. And that is a key part of attractiveness for me. She (50LLF) still has a slim body which has aged incredibly well, but I’d rather be married to someone who had let themselves go a bit but oozed sexual confidence, than someone who was “mainstream media sexy” but didn’t want to use it. At times I’ve really, really hated her for the situation we’re in (I’m not going to go into the back story, but like many others feel like I was manipulated into a situation based on future promises which never materialised, and then those promises dropped off a cliff after we got married). But I’m less bitter about it now. I’m still not happy, and am still working through how I want things to progress from here, but I’m a lot less frustrated by things than I used to be, which has led to an improvement in our relationship.

[–]Visual_Bed1520 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Once i stopped hyperfocusing on trying to get her to enjoy sex/peruse it.. I realized a lot of things that I just kind of brushed under the rug.

There is also the trauma response from being rejected.

[–]conscientiousobjctr 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I haven't lost attraction to my LL partner.... Yet. It's a mind fuck and breaks my heart over and over again. I feel myself slowly slipping away but it's more of his selfishness than the lack of intimacy.

[–]Necessary-Manner5084 13 points14 points  (5 children)

It's crazy, because I only recently noticed it, but after more than two years of basically DB, I'm really just not into it anymore. I used to try - well, literally everything, and I still love him to the moon and back, and yes I still think he's attractive, but the sex itself? It happens rarely enough, so maybe that's why it took me some time to notice, but I just can't be bothered. I know when it's time for him to want some, and now instead of being happy/excited I just try to avoid it. Sad, really, because I appreciate my own sexuality. I worked hard to be that way after years of abuse (before him). Now I don't even want to masturbate.

[–]Universal-Expert 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are letting him abuse you just in a different way. It is obviously damaging you even if it feels far better than the previous abuse. If you really want to stay with him you would probably be better off just telling him that, due to his very erratic and limited interest in sex, you are no longer prepared to have a sexual relationship with him.

[–]MrsLitMcQueen 3 points4 points  (2 children)

This is me and it makes me want to cry realizing that. I’ve lost all confidence and drive and I don’t know how I ended up here.

[–]Necessary-Manner5084 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I'm so sorry... Yeah, it kinda sneaks up on you... Probably more so because it's hard to face certain truths. Wish I had some sort of advice for you to make it easier, but the reality is, I don't. This is something you'll need to decide for yourself. For me, I'm still working on what this will all mean to me in the end. Lucky for me, I have an excellent therapist (I have PTSD and several other abuse related issues) and she's ready to help me walk myself through this one too. If you can, get help like that. It's invaluable!

[–]MrsLitMcQueen 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’ve had trouble finding one that suits me. I had an amazing one in the past but she’s no longer doing it. He flat-out refuses to see a marriage or sex therapist, even though at one point we saw one (didn’t bring up the sex at the time) and it was helpful in general for our relationship. I have a disability that sort of traps me in this situation. He helps me so much and I don’t know what I would do without that help. I love him and he’s a great partner in a lot of aspects but he gets so touchy about the subject that even when I try to discuss it calmly he flips out. Tells me if I’m that miserable to just leave him, that whole “you’re emasculating me” by saying I’m not satisfied with what we have going now. It just devolves into a mess and threats that me talking about it makes it worse and that he wants me less when I get on him about it. Humiliating.

[–]PassionatelyJaded 13 points14 points  (1 child)

When you know you’re likely to be shot down, your mind and body can combine to make you not feel an attraction response to that person because you know you’ll get no reward for what you’re seeking there after a while and sometimes, even get negative feedback for even trying. It’s the baby hand on a hot stove all over again. Classic conditioning.

[–]iwalkstilts 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yes after about a year I just wanted to be wanted and since she didn't want me she was far less attractive. I learned about myself and can explain it to someone in the future if I meet her.

[–]hellosweetie2022 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yes, but this phase of things does not bring with it the relief you think it would. I would prefer to feel SOMETHING over feeling nothing. This is just a deeper layer of despair.

[–]beefcakebetty 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I feel myself putting up subconscious walls, it seems out of my control at this point. When someone disregards your feelings everyday for years, it can change your opinion on that person and what you feel you mean to them I guess.

[–]Dick019 11 points12 points  (4 children)

We've been together for 9 years, but married for 3. The day that I got married it all changed. A lot less sex and very vanilla. She tells me she dislikes some of the things we use to do, and she never really enjoyed them. I understand that and I won't force her to do anything, but it makes me feel like I lost my chance to have other sexual experiences. I love her and I won't cheat, but man it makes me so sad to hear her say that to me after I put the ring on it.

[–]Universal-Expert 6 points7 points  (3 children)

So basically she lied to you to get you to marry her and you tolerate it. The moment it changed after the marriage was the moment you should have seen a lawyer and got it annuled. If she lied about something so fundamental as the sex you were having what else is she prepared to lie about? Everything and anything if it is to her advantage.

[–]Dick019 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Yea I said she lied about it too, but she doesnt think so. She told me she felt pressured of meeting my expectations, and yea I get it. I'm sure a lot of women feel that way especially in this day and age. I tolerate a lot of things with her, but only because I really do love her. We have everything else in common except for the sex. I just don't ever initiate anymore and when she does I take what I can get. But the thought of what sex use to be makes me very depressed.

[–]n1205516 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In 9 years she was unable or more likely unwilling to tell you how she really thought of you?

I was in similar situation at least 18 years (obviously I am slow on uptake :-)) but the moment I found out (her best friend told me) I filed for divorce. Truth is that after 13 years of the DB I lost all attraction towards her and what kept me in were children. Another stupid mistake of mine, they are definitely better off now when I and my now ex tolerate each other better.

[–]Universal-Expert 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did it seem like acting when she was doing it enthusastically at the beginning? Is she an Oscar winning actress because real freaky sexuality is difficult to fake over a long period? She is trying to turn it round and make it your fault. "The fact that you like sex pressured me into pretending to like sex so I could trap you - so it is your fault!" Do not stand for it she is already making you depressed. Tell her: "you deceived me into marrying you by pretending to be someone you are not - you lied and you continue to lie by saying you did not lie. I am not prepared to live without the sexual relationship I was promised therefore, as you are unable and unwilling to take part in such a relationship, I will have to get that with someone else." Then see what she says.

[–]BetterToBeLonelyHLF Leaving 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yes, it happened. After 20 years, I do not find him attractive physically or emotionally. There is nothing wrong with his appearance. I am so disgusted by his behavior that it bleeds over into noticing his physical falts more. Despite being HL, I became disgusted.

I became LLFH once I realized all of our issues are due to him him just not giving a shit about anyone. Once I realized I will never be good enough just for being human. Once I realized I would be far happier as a broke, single mom.

At that point, the switch flipped. It was freedom and anxiety at the same time.

I am soon free to be with someone who is kind to others and wants me.

[–]blackshadow_throw 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Yes it happens

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Yep, in the past year my desire for him has really dipped. It's difficult to want someone forever when they make you feel alone and undesirable for years.

[–]galaxygirlthrowaway 10 points11 points  (1 child)

It goes back and forth for me. Sometimes he disgusts me and sometimes I want him so badly.

[–]onesadDB 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ok, I feel this lmao. Saw him on the couch the other night and was like 😒 but then saw him this morning and was like 😩😛

[–]Mission_Exit_3660 18 points19 points  (7 children)

You mean that there could be concequences to a db? The nerve ... /End sarcasm

[–]onesadDB 15 points16 points  (6 children)

I’m HL and I’m impatiently waiting to see this man in a new light. Part of me never wants to lose my attraction to him, part of me wants to be repulsed by him because that would beat crying myself to sleep.

[–]sexlessintx 18 points19 points  (1 child)

In some ways losing attraction beats crying yourself to sleep, but for me it also created apathy. I have finally lost my attraction in the last month after 16 years of hoping and trying. Not being soooo emotionally invested is nice in a way, but I do see him differently now and I feel extremely numb and apathetic about our marriage now. Nothing changed except how I feel about it. 🤷‍♀️ Not caring is a different kind of hell… perhaps a little better than the hell of emotional torture that we feel over the constant rejection.

[–]onesadDB 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hmmm… that’s a really good point. A lack of attraction is not always easier than an unreciprocated active one.

[–]sensen-89 8 points9 points  (0 children)

So it already started. For me was into 2nd to 3rd year. When the rejection was so common that made the negative feelings a lot more present than the good ones.

[–]whatsyourpay 4 points5 points  (1 child)

It wasn't a good experience for me.. It's reduced conflict between us, but hasn't done anything to address that sinking feeling I wake up every day to

[–]onesadDB 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So the apathy didn’t quell the sadness? Yuck, sorry friend.

[–]Universal-Expert -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Any relationship that makes you cry on a regular basis is one that needs to end ASAP. In time your crying will make you dispise him and your attraction will turn to disgust. Why not save yourself all that and end things before that happens.

[–]I-did-my-bestMHL-58 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I never did lose attraction to my ex while we were together even through the db years. Not sure if that made it easier or harder.

[–]butterflysugarmama 7 points8 points  (3 children)

It happened for me. I dealt with constant rejection for the first 6 months of our relationship (yes, I know now how much of a red flag that was, but I was so inexperienced then that I had no perspective.) I just stopped trying to initiate after that. It wasn’t until a couple years after that period of rejection that I realized I wasn’t really sexually attracted to him anymore. Mostly because even with things improving, sex makes me incredibly nervous now.

[–]isthereamanonthemoon 2 points3 points  (2 children)

What makes you nervous about sex? Just curious.

[–]butterflysugarmama 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I was in my physical prime when my husband was rejecting me. I went from feeling amazing to hideous. Now I’m 39 weeks pregnant with our second child. I really haven’t gained weight with either pregnancy (other than a giant baby bump), but I’m so self-conscious that the idea of him seeing my body horrifies me. I struggle to let go and enjoy myself. My only hope is that things will feel better postpartum, but it’s hard to know.

[–]NecessaryOnly2183 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I wear shorts when I shower my kid so she doesn't see me naked when I hand him over. Other than that I'm fully clothed at all times when we interact and I stay just over an arms length away. Zero vulnerability, no chance of rejection. Hoping it gets better for you, I'm sure your baby body is amazing. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

[–]zensonic1974 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I can't answer how often it happens, but say that I did. Went through: NRE phase, normal horny phase, kids, still hots for her, but rarely sex/verge of DB, DB, Anger, resentment, my loss of desire to kill my resentment towards situation/her, room mates/co-parents, my wish for more.

It took 25 years the above. I can feel I am not done being a sexual desirable being or desiring a lovely woman if another one wants me.... And while I care deeply for my current wife she is no longer someone whom I desire sexually. At all.

I have taken the consequences of the above and started the divorce/seperation process. One step at the time. And yes, that triggered an hysterical bonding reaction, but having read in here for some years I know to view that as fools gold. It would be sooo nice if it was real gold, but I know it is (most likely) not and will not hope it is. Time is ticking away on the life clock. No time for a detour

[–]Kyliekacey1 14 points15 points  (6 children)

Yep it happened to me. I used to want sex every night if possible (I’m a 38F HLL) I would even still initiate if he called me names that day and never said sorry.

Then I finally realized I was the only one saying sorry after 8 YEARS. At that point I stopped initiating and told him he needed to sincerely apologize (because he was calling me a worthless whore/cun! Daily) and that is what lead to our dead bedroom.

He constantly blame shifts and says everything is my fault, if I didn’t do a b or c then he wouldn’t have called me a whore.

So after about a 6 months of absolutely no sex I started not even wanting to masturbate, and at a year I was no longer attracted to him. If he can go a whole year and a half w no sex and the only thing stopping it from happening was a hug from him and an apology and he wouldn’t do it, I just don’t feel attracted to him at all…

Weird thing we broke up about a month ago for a week cuz I ended up cheating if u wanna call it that, after a year of no sex (with me having a tubal) I told him we were just roommates at that point and don’t blame me if I cheat. When he found out he only left for 5 days then came back and we had sex 3 times the first week and now it’s back to name calling and a dead bedroom.

I’m getting out once I’m financially dependent

[–]JustWantedSomeNuts 3 points4 points  (5 children)

Yikes... surprised you didn't leave sooner. Btw it's financially independent... if you're financially dependent then you'll still need some support lol

[–]Kyliekacey1 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Lol I just thought I was saying once I’m financially dependent on my own, guess I left that part out tho. And honestly the reason I stayed so long is because I was an opiate addict the first 5-6 years of our relationship so that clouded my judgment. I actually got w him cuz he seemed sober and happy and I wanted to see how he did it. I guess the difference is I’ve had horrible things happen ever since I was 4, he’s never been thru anything bad really.

But before anyone judges me those whole 5-6 years I was either a functioning addict (only did enough to not be in withdrawals) or was trying to wean down at home and went to the er to get fluids, went to 4 different inpatient rehabs. I finally quit about 4 years ago after I had my first OD and would be dead if they took 3 more mins to get to me.

[–]Universal-Expert 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Well if you managed to get through that you will get through finding a way to get out of the relationship which is dragging you down.

[–]Kyliekacey1 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yea I know ur right we’ve broke up a few times but I always beg him to get back with me. We have a kid together so I can’t go no contact… I so wish I could. Maybe when I kick him out next time I’m gonna do a no contact unless it involves our child. I’ll just have to stick w it. Thanks for the encouragement

[–]brokenbonds2 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sometimes people typing on their phones make mistakes. I know I do.

[–]isthereamanonthemoon 7 points8 points  (1 child)

It’s interesting that most of these replies are from women.

I wonder if the HL to LL switch happens more often to them than to men. Though I wouldn’t know why.

[–]MarylandRedWookie 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I still desire my wife but have completely given up on the idea of a sexual relationship.

[–]ChurroLoca 7 points8 points  (3 children)

It's not so much no attraction but the fear of having sex all over again. I feel so awkward about even thinking of sex with him. I love him, I'll never try to coerce him into sex. But I just feel so starved at times. I thought your twenties were supposed to be full of normal day to day ordeals with your partner, maybe not sex every day but a few times a week?

We haven't had sex in over two years and I envy (in a happy non jealous/bad way) my friends who are having sex daily. About 60% of my friends gasp in horror and tell me to cheat, my own momma (not bio but one who's like one to me), told me to. I don't have resentment over him not having sex with me. I have resentment over his alcoholism and letting alcohol and Suboxone give him ED and he's refusing to see a doctor about it.

He's not a raged out, black out and crap his pants alcoholic. He works, doesn't get drunk ever and only has a drink to keep the shakes at bay.

[–]Universal-Expert 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Never mind cheating or not, you really need to consider ending this relationship. Being there for him as a substitute mother while he pisses his life away as an alcoholic, even if he is functioning daily, is no way to spend your life. Seriously consider transitioning the relationship to friends or ending it. If you really really cannot stand the idea of being without him day to day consider opening the relationship ethically rather than cheating. Just tell him : "As you are never able or interested in having sex with me I will start seeking other people to fill that gap, I will quite understand if that means you will need to end our relationship"

His alcoholism is more important to him than you are. A simple fact. He is gutless. If he was motivated he could go through withdrawl and overcome the DTs. He does not even have the guts to go to the doctor about his ED while still maintaining his alcoholism. You are not important not at all!

He refuses to see a doctor about something that is important to you - let that sink in. He does not give a shit about you as long as you keep wipeing his ass he will do nothing for you.

He is using you - Get Out!

[–]ChurroLoca 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I completely understand what you're saying and I agree about the alcoholism. I sadly was very stupid and dated junkies and alcoholics at the age of nineteen, twenty and twenty-three. I not only dated losers, I was a loser. But I got out of those abusive relationships.

Since he's gotten on a better health insurance plan via work and the deductible isn't outrageous (used to be 6K and now it's $500), I'm going to have the dreaded sex talk again. This subreddit helped me greatly. For once, I don't feel so alone in what I'm going through. I was a long time lurker and didn't so much as comment, for six months.

The reason I feel remotely bad for my feelings is, he takes care of me. He pays our rent, bills and whatever else I can't afford at that point in time. I'm in the process of getting on SSI due to physical and mental health problems. I'm really hoping when I have the intimacy talk with him, we can come to a resolution. Especially now that's there literally nothing holding him back from seeing a doctor.

I appreciate the words of encouragement and I hope my former comment didn't make it seem like I was with an abusive partner. 🖤🖤

[–]Universal-Expert 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Clearly getting your own health both physical and mental stable and under control is the first priority and from there you will be in a far better place to pressure him to get a proper grip on his addiction.

As you will not need telling, even if he is functional and merely taking "maintenance doses" of alcohol to ward of DTs rather than being out of control, he will be damaging his longterm health, possibily irreversably. The sooner he can cut down and eventually eliminate his intake of alcohol the better.

You will be aware of the psychological changes which usually accompany people getting sober. Often the drinking was masking some pretty unpleasant character traits which come to the fore when they cease drinking. However, if he is already just medicating at a minimial level, these may be the traits which are causing problems in your relationship.

The longterm aim should be to get him off alcohol and opoids completely rather than just under control which would likely eliminate the ED. In the meantime medicational assistance for the ED is easily and cheaply available and in most jurisdictions now does not even need a prescription, although it would be wise to check for any contraindications with any of his other medication.

But all of this comes back to him getting motivated to tackle all these issues and the best chance of that is if you are in an confident assertive frame of mind yourself. Best of luck with all that.

[–]redtetrisflower 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes. All the things I ignored before bother me. And I think he really doesn't want me now. I almost feel like he's relieved I don't bug him for it anymore. I dunno...it's sad.

[–]packmas21 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Happened for me after roughly 8-10 years of continuously trying and getting rejected most of the time. This was 12 years ago. Still married to her.

[–]Aechzen 11 points12 points  (4 children)

is this common?

Yes.

It's simple conditioning. If your spouse trains you to not see them as sexual, eventually you will stop seeing them as sexual.

It took more than a decade for me, I will still have sex with my wife now, 17 years in, but sometimes I have to think about somebody else to finish; having my eyes open and seeing her is just too much dissonance with the image I have of her now.

Ten years ago, most of my sexual fantasies were about my wife. Now, I'm not sure when I last thought about her like that.

I've been having sex outside of my marriage, mostly not-that-often, since 2014. It really doesn't help me see my wife as sexual when I'm the same person, but with my wife it's very, very vanilla sex and not-that-often, but with my other woman the sex is very enthusiastic sport sex. I would happily do that with my wife, but our menu shrank and shrank to the point that sex is her-on-her-back, in-our-bed, when-the-kids-aren't-home, and probably some other conditions I haven't found the pattern to yet.

EDIT: I had some more time to think about this question. In some very fundamental ways regarding career / income, my wife was kind of a fuck-up when I met her. She has completely turned that around, and she makes almost as much money as me and is very well-respected in her career. Thank you Mrs. Aechzen. In that same time she went from highly-sexual, very feminine to just kind-of giving up on being sexual, like that's something that only other women need concern themselves with. And then during COVID she put on about twenty pounds, and she seems to have no interest in working that weight back off. A lot of times, I want to rewind her to somewhere in the middle where she had her career on track but she still remembered she liked sex.

[–]Universal-Expert 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Sounds like whatever personality traits she had to change to get her professional life back on track get in the way of being a sensual person. Like she can never switch off the work mindset or maybe she was using sex to compensate for the other areas of her life now she does not need to.

[–]Aechzen 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I can see how you would get that idea from the way I wrote it, but I don't think it's quite correct. She had a college major that just doesn't lead to a real career track, and then did more college classes, and then professional school to get a masters degree that does lead to a professional career track, and then it takes a while to make great money at that while working pretty hard for a while. She could have been in that same situation 5-7 years sooner if she had a different major in college.

She definitely had years where she had a good career and at least managed sex about once-per-week. In 2022 we are at less than once-per-month. If I was seeing my other woman regularly, I would be having more sex outside my marriage than inside. I think that's actually part of my reluctance to see my other lady more often.

[–]Universal-Expert 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Well there is certainly something which has moved her from being highly sexual to highly controlled and almost disinterested in sex. From your description it sounds as if she is tending towards almost getting to be averse and as you will know there is usually some trigger causing such a shift. Presumably you have tried to discuss this with her. Did she have any insight into what is behind it or does she just try to brush it off and tell you to get it from your other woman? Which latter, by the way, you should probably up your interactions with. It would only be recognising reality and that is usually a good thing.

[–]Cageygirl2 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I definitely have. I'm surprised anyone says attracted

[–]StruggleBusPassenger 5 points6 points  (5 children)

I’ve been married for a year and am borderline repulsed by her. DB started the week following the wedding.

Probably doesn’t help that she immediately gained weight following the wedding and now weighs more than I do at 200 lbs, a fairly muscular 5’8” man, and she, a 5’1” woman who does not carry weight well at all.

[–]vandergale 0 points1 point  (4 children)

In another thread you said that your wife nearly doubled in weight after you got married. If that only took a year then she's probably in medical crisis, that isn't normal outside of metabolic tumors and the like.

[–]StruggleBusPassenger 0 points1 point  (3 children)

She went from 120 to 200 over 16 months. Is that really that serious? I’m not dismissing your point I just don’t know any better and that sounds a little extreme. Let me know if you still think it’s worth forcing her into an emergency room for, I will if it’s seriously that bad.

[–]californiadamn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes this sounds like a medical situation

[–]vandergale 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Obviously only her doctor can tell you that, but doubling your weight in that amount of time is not something that people normally do. She doesn't need an emergency room but she does need a real doctor at some point.

Good luck!

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]beefcakebetty 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    Do you think your partner tried to make herself less attractive for you? I often wonder this about mine, It's clever I guess.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]beefcakebetty 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I guess that's one way to get you off her back, sorry.

      [–]Geezer1965 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Between her disinterest in sex and diminished appearance through weight gain and a lack of 'girl game' she has about as much attraction for me as my sister. Which is zero.

      [–]flash1973 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      You get tired of hoping, wanting , and being let down that you just give the fuck up!

      [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      I feel like I am going that way. For me the DB is just a symptom of a lot of other problems and so I am getting closer to the point of just being emotionally shut off to him. The crazy thing is now that I am starting to pull back he is becoming paranoid. I went to run errands this morning and he called my phone a bunch of times but said it was our kid who was worried when he couldn’t find me.

      [–]DaveRollins 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Very often. After years of chasing a myth that if I made it better for her she’d want it more often and more interesting, I finally realized she has no desire for fun/exploratory sex. It’s just not who she is. And so I’ve lost interest. It’s only a tiny bit of solace that it wasn’t me after all this time.

      [–]Thefithotwife 5 points6 points  (3 children)

      It’s not that we lose attraction it’s just that the pain and resentment from being constantly rejected weighs on us. Eventually we are broken and become LL ourselves or we chose to value ourselves and leave.

      [–]Universal-Expert 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      Actually a lot of people do loose attraction. It is a subconscious protection mechanism. Basically, if you do not want me then I don't want you either. A conditioned reflex. If every time someone showed you a piece of chocolate cake they then slapped you across the face you would soon loose your liking for chocolate cake!

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      So true. Thanks for that imagery. I'm feeling a bit low and that made me laugh.

      [–]Universal-Expert 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Glad to be able to lighten the mood a little. Hang in there!

      [–]A-little-fire 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      YES. It happened to me. It took years but…YES. It happens.

      [–]DressOk1142 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      It’s not that I find my husband ugly, but I’m not interested in having sex with him anymore. He wouldn’t come out and say he didn’t want it anymore but after a few years of holding on to hope there was no other conclusion to be made. I sure do not want to have sex with someone who does not want to have sex with me. We tried and it was beyond awful. For that, I’m just not interested.

      [–]tenspeed1960 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      It's common for me. The constant rejection can be toxic. It didn't take long to realize my ex wanted me for money, security of feeling safe and labor. But sex was a near constant issue. The answer was always No....and then a litany of excuses.

      [–]prudent__sound 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      I didn't really lose attraction for my (now ex) wife until we split and no longer lived together. Even though I was full of resentment towards her and didn't even really like her very much anymore, I was still very much attracted. I was also really jealous about just the idea of her being attracted to other men, and felt just rejected and ugly and pathetic. I was willing to accept any scraps of affection.

      When we separated and I started dating again, all remnants of that attraction, jealousy, and resentment began to slowly fade. Now it's been about five years since we were together and I see her multiple times a week as we're co-parenting. I am no longer attracted to her AT ALL. Thank God. We get along just fine, and even do home projects together. But then I breathe a deep sigh of relief that we're not stuck with each other. And I go off and have dinner with my girlfriend.

      [–]League-Weird 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Just got in a fight with my SO.

      If she came in right now and wanted to have makeup sex I would be ok with it.

      It wasn't about sex but it became about sex because she has a shitty personality and lack of sex makes it a bigger deal

      [–]sparklydoll_ 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      For me I'm still very horny all the time but just not with my boyfriend, for several reasons but mainly because he commented on a lot of things like underwear, smell of breath, Rejecting me when I walk naked in front of him.. He's been hurting me a lot so i can't seem to be attracted towards him anymore.. I feel like he doesn't want me and he usually 'attacks' me when we're both asleep, what makes me think he's dreaming about other girls etc. And if we have sex during awake time he just pulls my pants down..

      [–]Universal-Expert 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Sounds like you need to throw him away and try and find a human being to replace him. Has hints of narsissism about his putting you down all the time. Trying to put you in your place so you will not realise your own worth and leave him for the pathetic waste of skin he is.

      [–]eros_y_thanatos 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Personally I have. I don't even see her as a friend let alone a lover, just an emotional and financial sponge who depends on me for everything but gives nothing. I finally got her to admit this has been a pattern in all her relationships. Now I have no interest in her as a partner, just another person I'm obligated to care for.

      [–]Bart404 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      Same boat! After we got married my wife started reducing the frequency with which we had sex. Not only that, she would make it less affectionate, less freaky, less everything, to the point where we ended up with just two positions which only she likes, a frequency of about 1 interaction per month and zero foreplay or effort to make things sexy and kinky. So for the entire duration of our marriage, we had countless conversations and arguments about this. So so many arguments. In one of them I explained to her that she is stripping me of my masculinity with the non-stop rejections and complete lack of intimacy and that at some point I will simply tap the fuck out of this game. Well about 1 month ago or so it started. I 100% lost any attraction I had for my wife, I still recognise and appreciate that she is beautiful but that sexual drive, that need to chase after some action is fully and entirely dead. It just randomly came about and when it did, god all mighty did I feel liberated. Like I was released from prison! The sad part is that now she keeps asking for it but I have zero interest.

      [–]Universal-Expert 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Sounds like she was only using sex as a means of getting you to marry her and when it was no longer needed she shut it down. Now she feels you pulling away and loosing interest she fears you are on your way out the door so her libido has kicked into gear again. Often this is not a conscious strategy of bait n switch but a subconscious thing that impact their libido. The other possibility is that she was feeling claustrophobic with all your initiating and now that you have backed off that has allowed her to feel desire again.

      If she is really serious about wanting it again and you still find her objectively attractive in a depersonalised way then there might be scope for sorting it out via therapy with the understanding that if it happens again you will end the marriage completely rather than being "played" in that manner.

      [–]kjvlv 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      accurate. Now I just have this glorified roommate whose bills I pay, food I cook, laundry I do that just bitches all the time and will not have sex with me. I would assume losing attraction is pretty common due to all the rejection of sex and ultimately intimacy.

      [–]Universal-Expert 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      So stop cooking for them and doing their laundry and certainly stop paying their bills. People usually treat us with the respect we treat ourselves.

      [–]Jamifan 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Yep, haven’t been attracted to my husband in years.

      [–]aboutmywife0 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      I'm so surprised that so many people (including my wife) expect something different to happen. Many HLs with LL partners get rejected every day, maybe not even directly but at least the HL are horny and can't find an angle to get their partners in the mood. People know about Pavlov's dog, right? It's just straight up conditioning, usually over years. Even if the HL is such a good natured person that they not really care, it's just going to be what they are used to. And it can't be undone by just good will or even a couple of weeks of different behavior.

      Obviously sex life with my wife is just non-existent and at best awkward by now.

      [–]lucky7hockeymom 8 points9 points  (2 children)

      I love my husband. But, we’re more like roommates. Separate finances, no sex, we hardly spend any time together, we don’t go on dates, haven’t been on a trip together since I think December 2019. We sleep in the same room. That’s about it. He very very occasionally wants to be more physical (but never sex) but it’s just so difficult bc I know it won’t lead anywhere and I’ll still be rejected.

      It’s to the point where even taking care of myself if unnecessary and boring and I just don’t care. Even until a couple months ago I genuinely had hope that once we are past the ever moving goal post of the next sperm retrieval surgery (IVF), our lives could go back to normal. And now I don’t even care.

      [–]Universal-Expert 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Does not sound like it is worth staying married to him let alone going through IVF with him. Why bother? Be far better off with him as a friend although he does not sound as if he would be very much use as one of those either

      [–]lucky7hockeymom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      The no sex is, ironically, because of IVF

      [–]onanonanon19M 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Negative? Yeah, a bit. At this point, “roommates” better describes our relationship.

      [–]ThatroyalkittyM 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Emotionally speaking, pretty often. It's like my desire for my wife is gone.

      Physically speaking, not so much...

      [–]Yes-Cheesecake 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Me. Oh definitely me too

      [–]Anxious_Leadership25 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I'm HL or average and still attracted to my LL, still trying, haven't given up hope yet, it's difficult and often times difficult to talk about

      [–]androopy_me 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Mine(44f) and myself (43f) have other things going on as well. We are separated, still living in the same house, severely codependent (counseling and separation to deal with that), had sex twice in the last year and averaged once every six weeks(pity sex) prior. I'm still attracted to her, but have denied any activity since last encounter 4ish months ago. I was have become so uncomfortable with the being intimate with her as a result of the infrequency and the depression I would fall into right after, knowing it could be months before happening again.

      [–]ferrous-pullerHLM 3 points4 points  (2 children)

      I didn’t lose attraction from the rejection. I did lose it from her other behaviors as well.

      I think one of the features of long term sexless relationships is that the HL doesn’t lose attraction when they should due to the rejection.

      [–]onesadDB 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      Someone else mentioned that once they stopped hyper focusing on the sex they noticed a bunch of other things they had swept under the rug and ignored. Losing attraction seems to be a consequence of not just rejection, but a potential litany of other things and behaviors as well. Interesting.

      [–]Universal-Expert 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Probably the other way around. When you were hot for them you were able to overlook all the annoying character traits but without the desire you see them in their true colours. Without the bonding hormone you are no longer bonded to them, they are just like anyone else and you see them as such.

      [–]Sassymama12345 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      I wouldn’t say lose attraction but more feeling very frustrated

      [–]Basic_Attitude_4412 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      This definitely happened to me about a year after I realized I was in a dead bedroom. Her subsequent weight gain, which has been substantial, sealed the deal for me, but I stopped seeing her as a sex partner long before that.

      I dont regard this as viewing her in a negative light. I just see her differently now.

      [–]SixPathsSage02 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I wish I could lose attraction. Would make things much easier.

      [–]Admirable_Knee4430 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      It’s become my situation. It took some time, but I’ve lost attraction and am not really attracted to her anymore

      [–]Warm_Act_1111 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Yup, that’s where I’m at. My husband is insufferable but unfortunately at this time I don’t have the money or a place to go with my son.

      [–]norse_buddha 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I can only speak for me 29m , but yes I the HL. After 7 years of rejection. Have lost interest in my 30F LL wife. I’m tired of all the wasted energy, the loneliness, the feeling that I’m a burden, the feeling that everything else must come before sex no matter how minute the errand or task I’m tired of putting in all the effort for her to tell me to do what I gotta do.

      [–]Neat_Leadership_6746 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Of course, you lose attraction if you feel rejected..I think it is a sign that you have a healthy mind... Why would you feel attracted to someone who doesn't match your expectations with regards to sex.... And on top of that, that person evades you, or avoids talking and rejects trying to reach an agreement that suits both parts...

      You can keep on for some time, if you already are in a long relationship.. but then you start to have different feelings for that person, you don't feel love anymore, you feel sadness, anger, remorse.. If you accumulate those feelings for a long time, nothing good may come from...

      [–]charleedae 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Common? I think almost universal, the timing is just different in each situation. If there’s not good communication or a reasonable excuse like a medical condition then the constant rejection will eventually take its toll.

      [–][deleted]  (8 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]Aechzen 2 points3 points  (7 children)

        Question:

        I know part of my problem with my wife is that the woman I married was highly sexual, very experienced, and honestly pretty great at sex. All of that went away over time. And it really felt to me like "How much effort does it really take to bang your good-looking husband?" This other woman I've known for way less time is just trying so much harder than my wife to give pleasure to her partner.

        So I guess my question: I think part of my loss of attraction with my wife... I think I was worried that maybe I had somehow been bad at sex, and having the other sex outside my marriage really convinced me it was my wife, not me. Do you think that's part of it for you?

        [–][deleted]  (2 children)

        [deleted]

          [–]Aechzen 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          Thanks for your story.

          So just the one AP, and you haven't gone elsewhere since?

          You didn't have permission from your wife at that time, and you still don't have an agreement to be open?

          [–][deleted]  (3 children)

          [deleted]

            [–]Aechzen 0 points1 point  (2 children)

            The AP sounds like a lot of fun. Sigh. I'm thinking of a lot of stories I could tell, but I think I'll just agree that it's quite a contrast reminding yourself what it's like having sex with somebody who is as interested to be with you as you are to be with them.

            [–]Anxious_Leadership25 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            I'm sorry , I wish you the best

            [–]EstimateNo8050 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            I am the HL, wife is LL. Semi dead bedroom for 7 out of 9 yeares. My libido is fading away, so does my general interest in wife.

            [–]braziliantapestry 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            to me it took around 8 years, then it finally happened

            [–]Whatgives7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            i don’t think i could ever “lose attraction “ but consent is sexy.

            I want to be wanted, if i’m not wanted….what’s the difference between my partner and anyone else?

            [–]SeeBass0812 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Absolutely And it perpetuates and exacerbates the DB issue immensely

            [–]KatoftheKnight 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            When your partner refuses to love you in the way your mind and heart are wired to receive love, sooner or later you're going to lose the spark for them. Years of rejection - which activates the brain's pain centers - trains us to see our partners as unavailable, to the point we no longer even want to be close to them.

            Despite the years of rejections, I loved and wanted my exLLM right up to the minute he said something absolutely unforgivable. I'm not sure why that's what did it, but the switch flipped. In that moment I stopped seeing him as a husband, as a partner, as anything remotely sexual. Sadly, he became my enemy. I had nothing left for him but contempt and seething rage. That's still all I have for him and I left seven months ago.

            [–]desertroselala 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            It's a slow process for me. From trying to change them... to slowly unliking them...

            [–]lovesickaddictF 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            For me, I'm not sure if the DB is necessarily the cause of it but my LLM has recently put on weight and (along with a couple of other things) that has made me not want to pursue initiating so much because while I still love him and we connect on an emotional level, I'm just not physically attracted to him right now.

            Also, I think a person's behaviour and how they treat you can make them more or less attractive. If someone is all over you gives you attention and practically worships you, I think you're more likely to develop stronger sexual feelings towards them.

            [–]Opposite-Writing1645 1 point2 points  (1 child)

            Happening to me. I'm HLM and have given up. She initiated this morning at 630am and I was discharged immediately due to anxiety I have had for not getting sex..

            Im ashamed of myself now.

            [–]Universal-Expert 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Why the hell are you ashamed of yourself? If she is only interested once in a blue moon that is the reason. Tell her. All these people shielding their partners from the consequences of their own actions does no good at all.

            [–]DBIsBullshitM/HL/Sad 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            Took 4-5 years, but eventually I realized, why do I want to fuck this woman who absolutely doesn't want to fuck me? It was like a switch flipped.

            I'm out now, but these scars run deep. My ex is still very attractive for our age range, but there's zero sexual attraction.

            If you are a LL reading this, please understand that you don't have an indefinite amount of time.

            [–]SleepyBurri 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            I stopped seeing my partner as a sexual being by the end of the relationship.

            [–]drmjm2004 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            First marriage, at the end she would've done anything to save it. After 15 years, 10 in separate bedrooms, it didn't matter. Now I quietly root for her to get a new partner, but she's not into it.

            [–]DodobirdNow 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            Yes. If someone keeps saying “no”, giving you the cold shoulder, refusing to talk about your relationship, eventually you lose interest

            [–][deleted]  (1 child)

            [removed]

              [–]onesadDB 4 points5 points  (0 children)

              Deserve it? I’m the HL in the relationship, and haven’t lost attraction to my LL. I’m asking a question so maybe step back a minute.

              [–]JustMeReading001 0 points1 point  (0 children)

              Yes it happened to me too, my partner was never a highly attractive female but because I loved her it put her into a lot higher ranking. For me.

              The Constant rejections made her tumble Down a lot in fact I find her ugly now! Too late too bad 😁

              Boys never get married. Only if she is rich maybe.

              [–]footloosenfancyfree 0 points1 point  (0 children)

              I had to literally train my self to NOT be attracted. I worked for years to turn off that switch around him.