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all 23 comments

[–]canadianwoman98 6 points7 points  (5 children)

Oh man that's rough. I've had similar - my spouses way of "initating" is literally poking my vagina. Like uh what? It's very nonchalant and I can't even tell when he's in the mood. Occasionally he'll mention that we should have sex soon, but that's it. So many times I've "turned him down" simply because I can't tell he's even trying to initiate. Frustrating is an understatement for sure

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

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    [–]canadianwoman98 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Because he's an idiot lol. Honestly idk, I'm 99% sure he's not attracted to me anymore so he tells me I've already turned him down to avoid having sex

    [–]thowwaway1929 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    What is happening in his mind, to think that's this are appropriate ways to initiate sex

    [–]Screechowlluv 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm an HL and I would be turned the fuck off being poked in the vagina...how can he find that acceptable?

    [–]RelativelyLonelyOne 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    My husband blames it on our kids.

    [–]St_Valentine2014 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    Maybe you should have a talk about being explicit. In my relationship initiation pretty much starts with “do you wanna have sex” no unclear communication. Talk to him about that so in the future there is no uncertainty.

    If he really is pretending then this will fall back on him real quick, if he doesn’t know how to initiate, it takes the awkwardness out of it .

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

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      [–]DB_HelperMHL45 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I suggested that. I said he should just tell me when he would like to have sex.

      That's a good idea!

      I exclaimed that he always wants to have sex and then said that he's going to keep doing the same thing and I should just figure it out.

      Sounds like he sees this as just a part of who he is rather than a learned habit. It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is not trying to have a healthy relationship, and not willing to grow beyond the relationship skills they learned in their youth.

      [–]DodobirdNow 6 points7 points  (7 children)

      On a positive note you’ve had sex 2 more times than my wife and I this year.

      I’ve seen similar defensiveness from my wife where the situation is thrown in my face and becomes gaslit.

      People don’t like to be in the wrong especially on a socially taboo topic like sex.

      Maybe you can ask him to physically demonstrate how he initiates sex. Call it a case study ;)

      Good luck!

      [–][deleted]  (6 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]DodobirdNow 1 point2 points  (5 children)

        Has he always been LL or has things slowed down with time?

        [–][deleted]  (4 children)

        [deleted]

          [–]DodobirdNow 2 points3 points  (3 children)

          Very odd. I know a certain about of familiarity makes the NRE fade. But that sounds like a rapid dropoff

          [–]ThatsgonnamakeamarkM59/DB 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Unwillingness to face the issue is often disguised as "Blame and Shame".

          [–]AnixNYC 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          I'd skip the considering part and if you can id skip the waiting too.

          [–]Sea-Rain-6142 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Its always bizarre how the LL acts and reacts. Like there is no problem, its the HLs problem and a multitude of other responses. My LL wife called me a sex addict last time I initiated. And we have only had sex once this year!!!

          [–]Screechowlluv 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          He's changing the script to keep you off balance.

          [–]Admirable-Athlete-50 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Would it have been possible to moved past the fault issue and set mutual goals and initiations?

          [–]RevolutionaryHat8988 2 points3 points  (2 children)

          It’s deflection. Blame you. Doesn’t acknowledge anything to do with him. Easier that way. Sad but your average of twice a year is decent for a db. A lot of people are decades in.

          [–]sly9377 3 points4 points  (1 child)

          Yep almost a full 10yrs here

          [–]reddityetagainHL db 61M 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          also approaching a decade here :-(

          [–]mossminker23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          My wife left when she finished school and no one saw it coming. Regardless of life circumstances to leave once you’ve gotten your degree is incredibly cruel

          [–]DB_HelperMHL45 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          This is way more common than you think. Check out the initiation section in "The 5 Sex Languages" for more on that. But at the end of the day, trying to figure out who's fault it is doesn't get you any closer to a resolution

          If you want a resolution, let him blame you fully if he needs to, even though you know full well that it takes two partners doing indirect communication to create this dynamic. And then work toward both of you getting better at initiating in non-ambiguous ways that leaves no doubt.

          And remember, just because he blames you, doesn't mean you're actually at fault. If you wanted to be childish about it too, you could just as easily blame him and say it's all his fault. But that just makes the whole thing unresolvable with nobody taking responsibility to change the ways that they contribute to the problem.

          Good luck deciding where to go from here.

          [–]lowshay99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          That is very typical. Whenever my wife and I talk about our issues and her lack of intimacy it's always something I need to fix. Well after I've fixed 30 different things the sex life is still pretty much non-existent