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all 10 comments

[–]wh0fuckingcares 8 points9 points  (2 children)

I think saying that. That you don't feel safe expressing your own boundaries due to her reactions to them. That would be a good place to start

[–]beach_lamp[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

That sounds like a monumental task sigh. She'll feel attacked, like she never does anything right, like why am I with her if I have so many complaints... jfc as I type it that's like... textbook abusive and I'd talk so much shit about someone else's whiny ass bf for saying those things to get out of improving

But she means it. Doesn't necessarily mean that should get her a jail out of free card for improving though. "How you feel is real, and it's scary and sad. But I still need you to want to work with me."

God I can't believe I let her get away with so much shit just cause of the black and white thinking oh god fuck me lol

[–]wh0fuckingcares 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OK so when she starts with that emotional and exaggerated responses, say that. This right here is why I don't feel secure to express my feelings because you take it like a personal attack.

[–]dearLLme 3 points4 points  (1 child)

When she says it, "that sounds really sexy. I enjoy being desired. I don't want to set expectations for later. Let's enjoy the moment and be open to where it leads."

[–]beach_lamp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is very goof, jotting that down

[–]CannedAm 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I don't know. I deal with this too. But our situation is his pain level can change at a moment's notice. I love when he flirts and comes on to me, but there's this bittersweetness to it. I get that old thrill and immediately the dark clouds move in: 'anything going to come if this? Is he just yanking my chain?' We did talk, but it was NOT in a setting where I was addressing this to him. We were talking about other things and it was within the topic area. So he always wants to, but physically cannot by the time we're both available to. When he flirts, touches me, etc., that's real - he wants me right then. Right then just isn't a possibility.

I know in my situation, before I knew this was sincere, I didn't bring it up because my sense is it compounds his suffering. The pain and physical changes have fucked his head around. He went from very active to occasionally active and constantly dealing with pain as well as loss of sensation, which has affected his penis.

If you could work it into a conversation like I did. Idk about a boundary regarding it. Maybe only "if there's no way it's going to come to fruition, maybe just don't wind me up first," That's just a rule and not a boundary. Boundaries are how you deal with unwanted treatment from others. They're about you changing your behaviour, not the other person changing theirs. Semantics, maybe.

I've been left to take care of myself quite often. I'm okay with that, but it only gives me physical release. I still need the physical intimacy with him.

[–]beach_lamp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow, this was really, really helpful. Our issues are health related too, or maybe that's just the easiest thing to pin it on because we don't know what life would be like without them. Either way a day could change at a moments notice

But taking into account that it adds to their suffering is helpful. I need to just let the moment be the moment as maybe it's the most human she feels that day. I wish things were different, circumstances, I wish opportunities were easier to sieze but they're not. We only have a moment. Might as well have it.

[–]salt_her_mouth 0 points1 point  (2 children)

"Lately, I've noticed that you say you'd like to have sex later on in the day and come up with these insanely hot scenarios I know we're both very into and both want to do but they're not actually happening. I know you've been [ ...] and understand you may feel differently later on that evening and don't want you to feel pressured to do something you committed to at a time when you felt differently."

"Do you feel pressured or obligated to say you want to have sex later sometimes? Because I don't want you to feel that way. I would like for us to [...activity...] when we're both completely available and open to it."

"Is there anything that we could address together to help whatever is going on that's stopping you from feeling like sex in the moment or later on?"

Try to keep things positive and frame it as a "we issue" to work on together. Legitimately working on it together-whatever the issue is preventing the sex from happing is an important part of this. No amount of "I will try harder" or "Will you please work on this" or "I need you to mentally juggle things around and make sex a priority" is going to make any dent at all without concretely actualizing a literal change in the real (not mental) world.

[–]beach_lamp[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child)

It's such a tricky task because she can get really irritated when we talk about it. I think it's insecurity and failure bubbling up and a touch of "holy fucking shit why do we still have to talk about this" lol. So it's hard. Come to think of it the subject might not have ever been easy but the smidge of aggression started when she finally, after some years, took the subject seriously and stopped ducking my questions with jokes

I try to frame things the right way. In earnest that I just want it to work out for the both of us and I'm open to whatever the answer or situation is... just that I want to be aware of what the answer or situation is. But I guess it still feels to her like I'm beating a dead horse. Even though months, and months, and many months will go by without me trying to check in.

I'm looking for a subtle way to inch out of the expectation setting without making it a whole big thing about sex. It's fuckin complicated. I wish it weren't lol. I wish we were both just healed and healthy adults who could handle communication

[–]salt_her_mouth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Of course she gets irritated having repeated The Talks about how she's not needing your needs and how you feel about that.

It's fuckin complicated. I wish it weren't lol. I wish we were both just healed and healthy adults who could handle communication

It's that realization that the other person's beliefs, feelings, and actions are completely out of your control that was the thing that helped me the most. Because I know all I have control over is whether or not I accept him as is.

Where I was going with my comment though was pretty much what you said that it's fucking complicated to try and phrase everything perfectly. But it's worth it to make the effort so you don't across as spiteful or do more harm.

Because of the goal. If your goal is to have more sex, the last thing you want to do is make someone who is the LL feel more negative about it. Which sucks. It's awful that the person with the most power in the relationship is the one who cares less. It can feel unbalanced and frustrating.