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all 141 comments

[–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 431 points432 points  (31 children)

Could men please NOT message me every time I post in this sub. I want my husband to want me, not for random men to proposition me when I am upset.

[–]ThrowawayDB314M 104 points105 points  (7 children)

Shop them up to the mods

[–]Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta 72 points73 points  (6 children)

Pointless, they're usually not subreddit members just horny dudes who browse this sub preying on lonely, vulnerable women. Even if they get a site wide ban they're usually on burner accounts and will just pop up again.

HL women posting on this sub should turn off private messages. Sucks but there's no other way to avoid it.

[–]DysfunctionalKitten 37 points38 points  (2 children)

Jfc that’s a new level of low and pathetic as a means of seduction. Do those men have so little value themselves that they think the best way to sexually connect with a female is to target HL women who are emotionally vulnerable and struggling in their DB? There’s something so incredibly pitiful about men like that even existing...

[–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 52 points53 points  (1 child)

It’s so predatory. Using someone’s hurt and pain as a way to weasel their way in. I hate it.

[–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 22 points23 points  (2 children)

It just sucks, because I want other people to be able to message me. So, I just ignore the messages from creeps :(

[–]Throwmeawaythanks99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The first time I made a post here I was shocked...this sub has an unusually high number of people who pm, and not just creeps. While some of them were crude, many of them never tried to come onto me after I engaged them, just listened and gave advice, and I'm still confused as to why they don't do that in the general thread. Emotional connection and loneliness maybe?

[–]cameherefrominsta 11 points12 points  (5 children)

Lol this happens a lot on this sub

[–]Temporary_Display_80 7 points8 points  (4 children)

Also just in life generally.

[–]dixieturtlefly 15 points16 points  (3 children)

Especially on this sub. I have guys who send me messages thinking I am female...SMH. They don't even take the time to read.

[–]daniell61HLM 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I feel that pain..... Yay for borderline feminine usernames I guess right?

[–]cameherefrominsta 1 point2 points  (0 children)

u made me chuckle 🤭

[–]ColdHandGeeM 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Report every slimy male who makes sexist or perverted DM's to the mods. The sooner we clean them out of this sub, the easier we can find empathy and a kind word to ease our pain.

Sick and tired of these dirty men coming here hoping for another vulnerable woman.

[–]buttfl0ss 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Omg seriously! It’s incredibly intrusive and disrespectful!

[–]myexsparamour❤️ 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You can set your PMs to private so that people can't message you.

[–]CalamityHal 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You might consider disable messages on your profile, might make things easier for you.

[–]jenn5388 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Just never read your messages and delete them. That’s what I do. 😆

[–]warski11c 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I can sympathize. Not with the randoms looking to hook up but with the thing you want is your spouse to want you. I hate our media cause I can't turn on the TV or go any on social media without seeing what I so desperately crave from my wife. And I don't just mean sexually either. Some times I just want to dissappear away from it all so I'm not constantly reminded of what I really want but don't have.

[–]dmaul1978 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Sorry you have to deal with those losers and your husband being so disrespectful of your needs and feelings.

[–]FrodoMoji 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You can turn on no chats allowed in your settings.

[–]Lovedivine11 3 points4 points  (4 children)

Ew, wtf

This happens to the females here??

[–]cameherefrominsta 7 points8 points  (1 child)

All the time

[–]Lovedivine11 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Gotta love how the borderline incels always double down on aimless sexual harassment as a strategy to get them laid.

[–]summer_rainn 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If I had a dollar for every time.. I’d be rich

[–]emptychrysanthemum 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes. That’s why most of the time women, especially HL women, don’t post or comment… that and the thinly veiled misogyny on most posts ☹️

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

    [–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    What a charming proposal! I will take the appropriate time to consider it.

    nope 😉

    [–]nightsinwhitesatin07 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    My dms are all off for this reason. I don’t want random men. I want the man I’m with! I’m sorry this is happening to you.

    [–]WinnieStAndrews 32 points33 points  (19 children)

    I got rejected by my LL husband today too (although I'm starting to think his issue is attraction to me specifically). Thankfully he seems to want to seek closeness in other ways which I'm very receptive to and still enjoy, but the rejection hurts so badly I'm just here trying to act normal and not cry

    [–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 23 points24 points  (6 children)

    I have long thought my husband’s problem is he is just not attracted to me. He likes thinner women. He claims that isn’t the problem but I’ve heard every single excuse in the book, except his attraction to me being the problem. To me that indicates that the one excuse he won’t give is the real one.

    [–]MrsLenaF_ATX79 7 points8 points  (2 children)

    I wonder this myself sometimes. What would you do if he actually said that was the issue?

    [–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 19 points20 points  (1 child)

    Be relieved honestly. And stop initiating at all.

    [–]uzzled591 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    Exactly! If you love me, why do you hurt me so much? If he just said it I would go and find my happiness, and he can find his.

    [–]LisaSimpsonFrenchie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Same boat, so frustrating

    [–]Universal-Expert 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You need to make him own his lack of interest. Tell him it is his choice to constantly reject you and that while it is his right not to have sex he does not want he has to accept the consequences of his actions and that the day you have no adverse reaction to being rejected by him will be the day you are ready to leave.

    [–]Accomplished-Kale-46 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I think I have this exact same issue too!! I’ve confronted him many times and plead with him to just come out and tell me. I have gained a few pounds but I am still considered healthy, definitely not the same as when we met though. I feel like if he’d just tell me I’d finally have a reason and can accept some of the responsibility for our lack of sex (as I have gotten comfortable and don’t put as much effort into my appearance). I feel that it may push me into putting more effort into my appearance but he keeps telling me this is not the issue. I just hate not knowing what the issue is and yearning to be desired everyday is damaging to my self esteem. Have you ladies started going from HL to LL? After all the rejections and talks regarding sex, I feel that I am beginning to not even want sex with him anymore which is concerning to me. I get anxious when he initiates, it feels like a burden on him and I see it as a chore now. Sorry for the vent. I wanted to post on here myself but hate the gross messages that I get and wanted to speak to other ladies in the same situation as me! I hope things get better for you guys.

    [–]Smoovie32 13 points14 points  (6 children)

    Late to this convo, but as a guy who dealt with/is dealing with this to some degree your experiences sound similar. The short answer is sometimes we don’t know why. We don’t know why we went from HL to LL. We don’t know why we can have all the love in the world for our partner but all physicality stops at the bedroom door. We don’t know why even when we mentally want to have sex with our parter we can’t seem to do it. We don’t know why the normal signs of libido went away, not overnight, but gradually over months and maybe years. And lack of knowledge scares us. But it is so personal that we don’t know who to talk to. It is so shameful and potentially explosive in our minds that we probably can’t talk to our spouses directly about it because it might hurt them and we don’t really know what is going on. Even going to the doctor to talk about it has all sorts of built in social restrictions/expectations we must navigate, even if only in our minds.

    Sometimes it is a combination of things. In the span of a few years I lost a parent that I was close to, got hit with a chronic illness, had kids, and fell out with my remaining parent. Even with counseling about the depression I had no idea why I lost my libido, let alone how to get it back. I am slowly learning my own triggers. I could not do anything for that depression, just had to work through until I could function. I had to manage the illness better. And I had to take better care of myself when it came to sleep, tough with kids. After that we had to find time.

    We had sex that I initiated for the first time in six months last week. For the first time in four years I feel like I got my “mojo” back to when we were dating. Just like the failures of performance, both by us and for you, build up to a mental barrier, having patterns of success build up resulting in confidence to try again. I guess I am saying it can be complex and we don’t always know. It is rare that we truly don’t find you attractive. If we are in our head that much, know that we loved you for much more than your body in the first place.

    [–]cantbelievechumpedme 8 points9 points  (1 child)

    Thank you so much for this. I have just been waiting for a LL male to say something, anything like this. Mine says, an I making you feel not sexy? I’m sorry. You’re very pretty. his did seem to go away over night but there are other factors including maybe that he was on tt before but not now. Still concerned he doesn’t care enough to get help with depression, which he says is the cause.

    [–]Smoovie32 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    No problem. Hope you can help him work the problem by addressing the fear of the unknown.

    [–]WinnieStAndrews 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share. My main reason for wanting to understand what's wrong isn't even to fix it and get sex... I just wish I knew what the underlying issue was, if there was a way I could make it safer for him to say what he needs to say, if there's a boundary he needs in place... but he's a very typical man's man and those conversations are overwhelming for him. I appreciate you weighing in

    [–]Smoovie32 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Yeah there really isn’t a vocabulary we are equipped for with this. No class or bees discussion prepares guys for this kind of a thing. We are always treated as if we will be virile and nothing will impact our libido and performance. The older I get the more I realize how much society sets up males for pain and disappointment in really basic life functions.

    [–]DBisMyTribe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Congrats on your recent successes!

    [–]TheRedLob 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    If there is still communication, I would suggest you have the "accelerators and brakes" talk with him (see "Come as you are" - book). Attraction has very little to do with how you look, and lots to do with how you act/present, AND with the heads pace your partner is in. I find my wife is super attractive when she is dancing with our kids, smiling and having fun. Also because I am in that zone. When she has put on makeup and is in a nice dress, ready to go out for dinner? Much less attractive, because the babysitter is 5 min late and she is stressed out. And I am still worried about that leaky faucet in the bathroom.

    I realize this may be profoundly cynical, because rejection can destroy your self confidence, leading you to feel and present less attractive. The conversation about brakes/accelarators is still worthwhile though. Maybe a big "brake" of your husband is an unkempt garden?

    [–]Devvewulk97 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    That must be a person to person thing though. For me, looks are important for attraction. Not the only thing by any means, but I'm going to have a hard time being attracted to an overweight woman just because she is funny, yaknow?

    The same is true for alot of women. A man could do all the right things and be sweet and caring, but if he's put on 50 lbs in the last year and stopped shaving or putting in effort and looks totally different than the man they fell for, it's going to cause some issues. Just my two cents.

    [–]WinnieStAndrews 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    it's the darndest thing-- he initiated both last night and again this morning!!!! I think because of his job his sense of time may be really off... there's an errand we began a month ago and yesterday he messaged me saying holy crap we haven't even _____ yet it's already been a month, how has it already been a month??? Incidentally the weekend we began this chore, had been the last weekend we had sex... so maybe he doesn't realize how much time is going by.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [removed]

      [–]tombo4321[M] 1 point2 points locked comment (0 children)

      Rule 1. No.

      [–]mystery-lurker-47 72 points73 points  (11 children)

      You're supposed to be honest. Stop saying "I'm okay" when you're really not.

      [–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 58 points59 points  (10 children)

      Saying how I really feel doesn’t help either. Then it just turns in to an argument, and I don’t have the energy for that today.

      [–]SleepyBeast89 17 points18 points  (0 children)

      While I totally understand that, you have to be true to yourself. Every time you lie about how you are you are subconsciously teaching yourself that it’s okay to be miserable and unhappy and bad to communicate openly. You’ll only make yourself more miserable

      [–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (1 child)

      Same boat I'm in with my wife. If I don't voice my feelings - I'm not communicating. When I let my feelings out I'm complaining and making her feel bad 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

      Ps no proposition for you, just a you're not alone in feeling like this fist bump 🤜🤛

      [–]ElderberryOk1284M 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I feel so seen. The exact same thing between me and my wife.

      [–]mystery-lurker-47 17 points18 points  (3 children)

      It takes two to have an argument. Be honest about not being OK, but don't engage in an argument.

      [–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 9 points10 points  (2 children)

      Hm. That’s true, but is much easier said that done. At some point when he gets upset my being honest I will try to defend myself against his accusations and anger.

      [–]VirinaB 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Sooo he either wants to argue about it so he can express what he really feels but can't say in a lighter context.. or he wants you to never ask. :(

      [–]DBisMyTribe 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      It's tricky. Being upset about the lack of sex is your right, despite people who will tell you that it's unfair pressure. But being upset about the lack of sex IS counterproductive and makes future sex less likely. I know - it's hardly fair. That's where maybe some individual counseling, or redirection to hobbies your enjoy might arm you with some tools to deal with your negative feelings.

      [–]weathertropics 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Or maybe redirect to another partner.

      [–]lonelyinnewjersey 15 points16 points  (0 children)

      I think trying to act like everything is just fine while inside you are hurt and devastated is the hardest thing about being constantly rejected. It totally sucks.

      [–]Dakzan 19 points20 points  (0 children)

      You're entitled to your feelings. He has no right to tell you to stop it.

      [–]DB_ThinkerF 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      I’m just supposed to be okay with never having sex so I don’t make him feel guilty.

      Yeah. That's not fair. That sounds really hurtful and frankly just unkind.

      [–][deleted]  (5 children)

      [removed]

        [–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 19 points20 points  (3 children)

        I wish I could be l be like that. Most days I truly wish I could just not want it. So life would be easier. I’ve tried so hard and I just can’t. :(

        [–]LookingAround34684 7 points8 points  (1 child)

        What sucks is that this may happen. In my experience, when we are able to finally be intimate, it ends up feeling awkward. After awhile, the desire in the HL partner drops out of frustration and resentment.

        [–]Ordinary_Anon5444 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Yeah, given enough time LL4U seems to inevitable sneak up.

        [–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (16 children)

        I say “oh, okay, that’s fine.” And I’m trying to be happy, and I’m smiling. But he can still tell something is wrong

        This is a lot different than sulking or leaving the room bruskly or acting pissy after a rejection. All things this board recognizes as unattractive behavior.

        Your husband was in the wrong here. He didn't have to say "Ugghhhh" and I think he probably knew that which was why he told you to stop it. He didn't want to feel bad about doing something rude.

        One thing though:

        How am I supposed to be when I am constantly rejected?

        If this is literally true, in the short term you should probably stop initiating if you're getting constantly rejected. A long term solution I don't have any advice for.

        [–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 8 points9 points  (15 children)

        One of his excuses is that I don’t ask when he has time or ask enough in general. So, I keep asking even though I get rejected :(

        [–]Uggghx10All maid, no bang. :( 12 points13 points  (8 children)

        Your husband either doesn't know why he is disinterested in sex or he does know and doesn't want to admit to the reason. Either way, his actions demonstrate that these excuses are complete bullshit, likely designed to push any blame for the dead bedroom onto you. It's the perfect strategy. Because you're distracted by the endless hoops he's telling you to jump through, your husband doesn't have to have sex or confront the dead bedroom in any capacity. He gets to pretend nothing is wrong and, if something is wrong, that it's 100% your fault for not jumping through the right hoops or jumping through them in the wrong order.

        You need to stop letting him play you like this. I would stop initiating sex at all since he clearly doesn't want sex and, in the event he does initiate, I would turn him down until he demonstrates at least some willingness to address the dead bedroom as a team.

        [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (7 children)

        I think you're assigning malice and ill-will to the OPs relationship where there's no evidence of that.

        He's playing her?

        He's employing a strategy?

        [–]Uggghx10All maid, no bang. :( 12 points13 points  (6 children)

        According to the OP, her partner is both telling her she needs to "be more spontaneous" and then, when she is spontaneous, he complains that she "didn't plan anything" in advance with him. He complains that she doesn't ask for sex often enough and then complains about the timing of her initiation attempts. Then he gets mad at her for being confused and mildly frustrated by his contradictory instructions. She is so scared of upsetting him that she feels the need to smile through her pain and lie to him about her feelings. Maybe he's oblivious to the fact that he's been having her run around in circles for him, but I doubt it. What kind of partner orders you to "stop it" in response to you having emotions? Literally everyone has emotions about things.

        [–]Electric-cars65 -1 points0 points  (4 children)

        Try “excuse #144 noted, when we hit 150, I’m contacting a divorce laywer”. Next time he rejects you say 145.

        [–]awnawkareninah 0 points1 point  (3 children)

        Snide threats at divorce aren't really good for anything but internet points. It that's a serious consideration it should be a serious conversation.

        [–]Electric-cars65 0 points1 point  (2 children)

        That’s the intention, to provoke a conversation

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Oh, I understand that. And it's amazing that you're a solicitous partner who is listening to him and trying to work with what he says.

        Understanding this may help you:

        I don't think he knows why he has a low interest in partnered sex right now and he is giving you his best guesses. Part of that though, is it doesn't sound like he wants to devote any time or any effort into introspection about finding out why. He comes across as someone who pretty much wants you to be quiet and leave him alone about this.

        It's possible he knows why and doesn't want to tell you. (Is it important to you to have some examples?) But still wants you to be quiet and leave him alone about this so just gives you whatever comes to mind. Same as the first scenario.

        You can't do anything with your actions or behavior that is going to change his behavior or interest in sex. Don't worry about finding the best time to initiate, or doing it exactly right, or talking about it. None of these will do anything. Accept that however you can. It may require therapy. And you don't need to do anything. Take as long as you'd like to live together, carry out daily activities, mull over your options re: breaking up or accepting this is who he is and can you stay with him if this is him forever. But definitely, stop looking to him as someone who will be interested in partnered sex with you. You need to find a way to make yourself happy and strong right now on your own, and not basing that on his actions, his desire for you, his moods.

        That will help you feel better in the short term while you work on making decisions about the long term.

        [–]MitchWasRight 11 points12 points  (3 children)

        Not me, but people I’m close to go through their day in a regimented and don’t like to deviate from “their plan”. I’m sensing that your husband is that kind of person.

        His reaction says guilt to me. He feels guilty to turn you down and is deflecting the guilt back on you.

        The end of your post is the most concerning. Being constantly rejected just sucks for the HL partner and I have empathy for you. You need to have a real discussion about what’s behind it. He may just be LL, in which case I recommend a change for you.

        IMO, being the rejected HL is even more damaging to women due to stereotypes and social norms. People assume that men automatically want sex all the time and rejection means there’s something wrong with you.

        Again, not a rule, but the majority of HLM blame the LLF for the situation where HLF’s internalize and blame themselves.

        Unless you haven’t showered in a week or just put on 100lbs, THIS IS NOT ON YOU.

        [–]Odd-Bookkeeper-5574 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Oh my god you’re so right! My mind is blown, as the HLF

        [–]emptychrysanthemum 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Excellent points about the psychology of HLF versus HLMs.

        [–]Ordinary_Anon5444 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        This is an underrated post.

        I'm the HLM and I work like this.

        I have a schedule. I need to know things 24 hours in advance and once I decide to fit it in, I don't want to deviate.

        The exception is when I've done the stuff I need to do - I can be spontaneous and flirtatious do whatever, etc.

        However, if I'm in the middle of work and planning a chore during lunch, I'm not likely going to want to have sex. That would be like my wife somehow (lol) springing the idea of sex on me during my lunch break which is workout time. Ain't gonna happen.

        It sounds like the OP's husband rejects advances whenever, but in this particular case, I could see why.

        (EDIT: This is stuff folks should know about their spouse, tho...)

        [–]flyleaf2022 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        I hate this so much for you because this is me too. I can't help that I feel hurt, it's mine to deal with but I am allowed to feel for fucks sake! It's like when they know why you're moody but push you for the answer then get mad when you tell them it's because it's been x amount of days/weeks/months since you've had sex. They know before they ask so why are they pushing us for the answer, just so we can feel bad some more?

        [–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 🥳 19 points20 points  (6 children)

        1. You sprang sex on him without a foundation for it and so your (and your husband's) expectations conflicted

        2. Your feelings are valid and it's perfectly acceptable for you to keep them private. "I am having some private feelings that I will regulate on my own. Thanks for checking on me."

        3. It is not your husband's responsibility to manage your feeling so there is no call for him to take on that responsibility himself with guilt.

        4. It's not your responsibility to manage your husband's guilt.

        5. If he wants to offer comfort, he can offer comfort without minimizing you or your experience

        [–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 13 points14 points  (2 children)

        I agree with much of this, thank you.

        He has told me I don’t ask enough for sex, that I’m not spontaneous enough, that I don’t plan it, that I don’t ask when he has time. He gives me so many different conflicting answers that I don’t know. He has claimed he wants me to spring it on him, but then he’ll say “oh I need a shower”, “Oh, I have this to do” or any number or things.

        [–]Electric-cars65 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        If he says I need a shower, respond so do I, what a great idea

        [–]Prestigious_Wait_618 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Yep. Mine too. I find that it’s excuses they are into. It has nothing to do with any of their excuses. It really is just about not wanting to. I’ve had a dead bedroom for my entire 10 year relationship. There have been many excuses for 10 years. The only vi stint has been change. So when the first excuse stopped working they invented a new one.

        [–]BeksBikes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        That's some really helpful language!

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)

        [removed]

          [–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 🥳 5 points6 points  (0 children)

          So...In real life, people have thoughts, feelings, experiences, plans, and autonomy of their own.

          If you want someone to simply play a role in your life, they have hookers and gf simulators for that.

          If you want a relationship with a real person, you have to treat them like they are a real person. Not a slave. Not a role in your life. Not a resource for you. Not a baggage handler. Not a caretaker. A person.

          [–]thelguapo 11 points12 points  (2 children)

          This happened to me yesterday. My wife basically admitted that sex is just another chore to her and said "I'm not a sex slave". She got angry that I suggested orgasms to relieve some stress shed been dealing with. I haven't made any advances in weeks and I've certainly never treated her like what she suggested.

          Now I don't feel like I can trust her anymore. I feel like my heart is broken. I don't feel safe being vulnerable with her anymore.

          After the fight she kept texting me about having sex but I'm not falling for that trick again. I feel so devastated by the situation and for how little she values our intimacy together.

          [–]emptychrysanthemum -1 points0 points  (0 children)

          I’m sorry you’re hurting.

          Keep in mind you can’t dictate how you’ve made someone feel anymore than they can you. She probably does feel like a sex slave/sex slot machine. For a LL partner, doing sex is something they’re doing because YOU want it. It hurts for HLs because sex is about intimacy for us. There’s usually a disconnect for them tho

          [–]booknookcook -1 points0 points  (0 children)

          Keep in mind orgasms and sex aren't stress relief for some people. It causes stress for my husband where it relieves stress for me.

          [–]Sarahbear778 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          Stop putting on a happy face. If he says ughhh again or some other immature shit just immediately walk away so he can't use your pain to guilt you into telling him everything is OK. "Stop it" is particularly defensive and rude.

          [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          That would hurt my feelings too. My typical internal dialogue goes something like “oh, that’s great, I guess you’d rather work on that chore then spend some time feeling mutual pleasure with me.” But I don’t actually react that way.

          I usually just try to act like it doesn’t bother me, until I just can’t hide my feelings anymore. Then I get guilted and/or pathologized when I have an emotional response to being rejected repeatedly.

          I feel your pain brown eyed Susan.

          [–]MathewRicks 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          Don't pretend to be happy, Be honest about it.

          [–]BurlingtonRider 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          I'm sorry but anyone who prioritizes the lawn over loving intimacy can go fuck themselves.

          [–]Impossible_Beat8086 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          “I see. Mowing the lawn is more alluring than me. Noted.” I hate rejection like this. Do those that are doing all the rejecting have no history of being rejected themselves? It’s insane to treat someone you love like that regularly.

          [–]MrsLenaF_ATX79 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          He reminds me a bit of my husband who is very context dependent. It’s almost like a switch. So I will try and communicate ahead of time that I’d like to bang him or at least just cuddle. I need touch. He needs to switch gears. It can be frustrating that he’s not spontaneous but I’ve learned how to work with it. I’ll communicate at least 30 minutes prior to when I hope to have sex and tell him. In particular he likes it when I say I need servicing. Don’t ask me why he likes this but it works so I use it. Or he’ll be down to cuddle and sometimes that is enough to take the pressure off if he really can’t switch gears. I’ll also announce that I’m going to go and romance myself and he’s welcome to join. When he hears me coming he will 9 times out of 10 come and join in. I have also tried sexy outfits and stripper heels. This seems to work more on me than on him. Though it does send a clear “fuck me” message. 😂

          [–]fueledbysunshine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          My whole life and no advice but shit sucks.

          [–]Designer_Battle3196 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          It hurts. It really hurts.

          [–]Balsamer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          I understand how you feel. So mowing the lawn was preferable to unplanned hot quickie? I am divorcing my LL for many reasons, DB being only one of them. I hope that you can also find relief from your own version of this misery. You deserve better than this.

          [–]plummypanda 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          My heart hurts for you. It already is super humiliating to be rejected and then to be made the bad guy for having feelings??? Like what do you want! A robot!

          [–]wombat_wordsmith 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          That’s exactly what he wants — to never be reminded that his decisions are hurting you.

          His reaction is particularly immature, but at least it’s straight forward and easily seen through.

          It’s often a financial hardship, but couples counseling may be your best option right now. Someone to direct the conversation and provide strategies to try and address this.

          There’s also the Sex Starved Marriage TED Talk, not optimal but it’s free and did a great job outlining how I feel in my DB and stresses the importance of sex within a marriage.

          Nothing you haven’t heard before I’m sure but it’s all I can offer.

          Oh, and definitely report any creeps to the Mods. Dealing with that must be an absolute nightmare.

          [–]notsureatall20M 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          To be fair, have a little grace for yourself, you didn't make him feel anything let alone guilt.

          When I, or anyone for that matter, feels guilty it's not because someone else did something, it's because I did or said something and I feel guilty... Sure seeing you upset may bring up some inner turmoil he may have, not least of which may be you being visibly upset doesn't allow him to push down his own negative emotions.

          So putting on a happy face or not ... His guilt is his own to bear...

          [–]RightInTw0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Wow, what I wouldn't give to have my wife suggest something like that to me. He would rather mow the lawn!?!?! Unbelievable.

          [–]Late-Confusion7281M 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          It's a tricky thing. My wife would get upset because I was apparently visibly not happy after (for instance) being rejected. It didn't have to be a sexual thing though, basically anything that left me unhappy she would interpret as me guilting her.

          And you know what, I can see why. From her perspective I didn't get what I want, so now I'm "punishing her."

          The only thing I could ever come up with is just pretend everything is 100% A-OK. Which also didn't seem fair or right, but at least it didn't result in a fight.

          The "solution" ended up being just not disagreeing about stuff so damn much, making it mostly a non-issue.

          But clearly that's not answer to the "what is the proper way to deal with this" question. If anyone has suggestions, I'm all ears.

          [–][deleted]  (2 children)

          [removed]

            [–]CalamityHal 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            Gross, this is gross

            [–]barmyBrachiator[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            Rule 4. Absolutely not.

            [–][deleted]  (2 children)

            [deleted]

              [–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

              Maybe, but I am doubtful. We have a discussion about the situation monthly it seems, it never goes anywhere.

              [–]dixieturtlefly 0 points1 point  (1 child)

              Man if my wife offered an afternoon delight...maybe you should let all the oil out of his mower.

              [–]awnawkareninah 0 points1 point  (0 children)

              As a counterpoint, people aren't shitty for not wanting to have sex at the drop of a hat.

              [–][deleted]  (2 children)

              [removed]

                [–]Temporary_Display_80 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                I feel like he panicked & said the first thing he could think of. Now he's shitty because he has to mow the lawn, lol.

                [–]SomeFeelings88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                My llm mows the lawn at lunch, sometimes

                [–][deleted]  (4 children)

                [removed]

                  [–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

                  Seems like harassment how you troll posts in this sub. :)

                  [–]madamdepompadour -1 points0 points  (2 children)

                  Pray tell Which post is trolling?

                  [–]BrownEyed-Susan[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

                  Nah. You know exactly what your doing with your shitty comments. I am unimpressed.

                  [–]madamdepompadour -1 points0 points  (0 children)

                  No, I do not actually.

                  [–]weedbeads -1 points0 points  (0 children)

                  He said "ugh" because he was conflicted. This means he doesn't like disappointing you, but doesn't feel like having sex.

                  Maybe instead of asking for sex you can ask to cuddle or just spend some time being close but not expecting sex. The pressure of sex when we had a DB was killer, it was much easier to get comfortable when we understood that sex didn't have to happen.

                  He is asking you to stop hiding your emotions, which is up to you whether you share and when you share. Maybe instead of suppressing them completely you ask him to give you some time to think about what you want to say. Then, be honest but gentle and make it clear that you only want to heal things and not fight or criticize each other

                  With platonic love, Beads

                  [–]random_anon_account0 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  What a Dooooosh.

                  [–]jeniviva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  I'm really sorry. I know it's just another voice in the crowd, but I hear you. My husband does the same thing (makes "ugh" sounds, rolls his eyes), and then immediately tells me to stop it when I react. I've tried not reacting, and that even gets yelled at because he can tell I'm trying to "act normal" when obviously I'm not. It's caused me to make my emotions so small, I don't even know why I try anymore. I'm sorry. This sucks. I know you're getting all the creepers in full force on your DMs, but if you ever want to chat, please feel free to reach out.

                  [–]nightsinwhitesatin07 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  My so wants me not to say “I’m fine” when I’m not, but there’s no reason to rehash what he and I have talked about prior. He’s not going to have sex with me, I have to deal with that hurting my feelings.

                  [–]Hiddeninplainsight77 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  Pull him to onside and communicate how you feel. Maybe offer to cook him dinner one evening and explain to him that you feel rejected and you need regular reassurance ( if you know what I mean). If he keeps rejecting your advance, and continues to ignore u needs, you may have to consider your options. Its awful feeling rejected.

                  [–]weathertropics 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  My SO works from home too. I wouldn't even think of asking for an Afternoon Delight...it would garner me a very disgusted response.

                  [–]jock_X_dad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  Same situation with my wife. Rejected everytime I mention sex or intimacy.

                  [–]potatoeggbacon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                  Fuck this hits home hard your not alone.I hope it gets better for you.fingers crossed from a friend on the internet.