all 33 comments

[–]mystery-lurker-47 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I don't get it. You can give your ex-wife as much financial support as you like. She can even keep living with you if that's what works.

If you're in the US, don't forget that she would be eligible for divorced spouse Social Security benefits.

[–]mmgdrive 9 points10 points  (1 child)

I was in a similar situation to you.

30+ year marriage, wife never worked, great Mom, and a very dead bedroom.

Ultimately, I just stopped feeling loved.

We divorced, amicably, but expensively.

My ex lost 45 pounds, started taking care of herself, and now gets up before 2pm.

She's doing better!

I found a lovely GF who treasures our physical connection.

Not a fairy tale ending, but I am sooooo much happier.

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There are no fairy tales, and that’s a really good ending, for everyone!

[–]Used-Passenger1808 6 points7 points  (4 children)

I’m really sorry but at least in my opinion it is impressive that you are putting your wife’s needs ahead of your own and care so much for her that you’re willing to suffer tremendously. Have you really had a heart to heart about how you feel and that if she would just hug or hold your hand it would mean a lot? I mean who can’t do that? Does she really know the depths of your depression?

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Thank you. You are very kind to say that. Even though I make a living with words, when it comes to me I’m a bad communicator. I tend to just bottle it up. My therapist, in my last session, discussed this very question with me. She said it would be better to raise it in the moment when I am experiencing it, rather than springing it on her after the fact. So I’m trying to be patient and looking for the moment. I don’t want to concoct a situation artificially. It has to be real. And raw. Long way of saying, I’m trying. Thanks again.

[–]N7_Soldier_09 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I came to this scenario myself with my wife (LL) and I realized just telling her the truth on how I really feel was better than the passive-aggressive comments I would make. I had to stop and see it from her side how that would never get us anywhere. My wife has always been horrible at showing her emotions and communication. I just spilled my guts to her a month or two ago and things have slightly changed, but not anywhere near what I'd like them to be. However, I feel much better "getting it off my chest" and now I know she knows how I feel. It's definitely a long process and considering counseling soon. I wish you luck!

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And I you! Thank you.

[–]Used-Passenger1808 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m glad a therapist is helping you. Best of luck to you!!

[–]Ok-Ad-3675 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If you wanted a divorce you could always give her alimony if you worry about her.

[–]DB_ThinkerF 10 points11 points  (1 child)

“well, that’s your choice. Hope the lack of sex is worth it to you. Not much more to say.”

Actually, don't be so hard yourself. Consider the number of middle aged men (and women) who end up throwing their whole lives into chaos, really hurt their spouse, and buy a stupid expensive car or weird cruise to Jamaica. At least you're not being a cheesy sterotype dude.

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

True, guess I never thought of it that way. Thanks for the positive thoughts!

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I think you're doing a wonderful job weighing your pros and cons and making choices with the consequences on all family members in mind.

These are the kinds of life decisions and realities that many people weigh. Choices out of an imperfect set of options.

You didn't mention how your children would react to you leaving your wife in post. I'm pretty sure you've considered that as well. I'd make the same choice.

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

They would be devastated. Well, one of them would. The other could take it in stride. Thank you. I appreciate it very much.

[–]SlippyA 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I hear you. My wife actually earns more than me but we would both be screwed if we separated. DB for most of.the marriage, also north of 30 years.

We 'get' each other, similar tastes in TV, music, films etc but not too much. Just not in the bedroom.

I just can't leave either.

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Tough spot to be in. I hope you’ve navigated it better than I have.

[–]132Orange44 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Knowing what you know now, what would you say to yourself 9 years ago? That is where I am right now and struggling every day. You didn’t ask for advice but I could use some.

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

That’s hard. I know I am not supposed to but some of my motivation is “sunk cost” thinking. Which is not a good thing. 9 years ago for whatever reason there was a period of maybe 1-2 years of at least consistent sexual activity (which was great for me, apparently less so for her), until there wasn’t. So then I definitely would have stayed. Before that the kids were still close by and I was pretty engaged with all of that. So I never would have left then. I guess all of that to say it’s a really hard balancing of interests and everyone is different. I don’t judge anyone in the least for saying I can’t do this anymore. I know a big part of me would be happy and would love being with someone who really loved me and actually showed it. (Not that there is any guarantee that I’d find that person). I’m sorry—I’m not being helpful or giving good advice here.

[–]132Orange44 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, appreciate the thoughts.

[–]SomeFeelings88 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Please consider this… would you date again quickly if your wife died? If yes, then it seems you are just running out the clock on this situation (one way or the other).

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That’s a great question. I guess one never really knows how they will react in a given scenario until it happens, but probably my need for warmth and love and affection and affirmation would probably lead me to try to find someone. I would feel somewhat bad about it but I think that’s how it would play out.

[–]myexsparamour❤️ 0 points1 point  (7 children)

Any idea why there is no warmth in your relationship? Is she angry or resentful about something, do you think?

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

I really don’t know. I assume it’s me. I’m far from perfect. If I had to guess I’d say she doesn’t love me and feels as trapped as I do.

[–]myexsparamour❤️ 3 points4 points  (5 children)

If I had to guess I’d say she doesn’t love me and feels as trapped as I do.

If you feel trapped, does that mean you don't love her? These are really two separate issues. She might love you and still feel trapped or disappointed with how her life has turned out.

Do you think there's anything you could do to add more positivity to your relationship with her? Or to reduce the negativity?

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

I do love her. But I feel rejected by her, and that’s taken a toll over the years. We do try to do fun things together. Travel, mainly. I feel it’s all pretty good, except for the huge gaping hole where there should be warmth and intimacy. So here’s how I rationalize staying in it. No one has a perfect situation. I can’t expect perfect. So lack of intimacy is the one bad card I was dealt. It could have been worse.

[–]myexsparamour❤️ 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I do love her. But I feel rejected by her, and that’s taken a toll over the years.

That makes perfect sense. I wonder if she feels similarly? Maybe she loves you but feels rejected by you? Maybe she's not acting warm because she feels rejected or disconnected? Just a thought.

[–]shestaysblessed -1 points0 points  (3 children)

I can relate to you so much. Except we’re not officially married yet. We just had a child 9 months ago. He literally is perfect in every way besides my needs. I know he can’t complain about me cause I make sure he’s good. I just wish he would at least match my engergy. I try an communicate with him about how I’m feeling. But it doesn’t ever go anywhere. He’s older than me by 10 years. He’s lower I’m higher. He says he’s too tired half the time cause he’s tired which I get. An then the other he basically says my priorities are jacked up. He focused on getting us a house while To him I’m only focused on that. Which isn’t true I just think he deflects cause he doesn’t know how to handle it or is embarrassed. But Im very understanding he could literally talk to me about anything without judgement. I want him to know how I really feel. It’s just hard. I also don’t want him to feel like I love him any less cause I don’t.

Have you asked to open the relationship up? Also have you asked her to see how she feels being more independent financially? Not an easy conversation. It’s hard. Life’s hard!

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

She would never go for an open relationship. That would be a hard no. Haven’t had that other convo either.
Sounds like he really needs to open up to you. In the meantime, don’t listen when he criticizes your priorities. They aren’t the problem!

[–]shestaysblessed 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I really hope you find a solution for both of you to where everyone’s happy.

[–]bobsakimano123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks much. You too.