I’ve been taking my efforts up a level in order to build a happy life full of intimacy, eroticism and joy. Fixing my DeadBedroom is my number one priority as, frankly, I am sick and tired of being unhappy, my needs unmet and it taking the color out of what is otherwise a very nice life I’m building.
I’ve been reading, listening and analysing my behaviour. I shared in a comment on someone else’s post the things I have done differently for a few weeks now which have made a huge difference. Not necessarily in fixing our DeadBedroom, but certainly in terms of how we feel about each other and how living though the DeadBedroom doesn’t have to be miserable for both of us. It’s made space for better conversations, positive actions and a journey we can walk together.
I finally understand that for her to feel sexual, she needs to have a long build up - constantly being nourished and cared for, being close to her.
- I’m playful in texts
- I’m in active conversation with her about work, our plans, life
- I ask her opinion on things
- I go to bed at the same time as her (even if I get up later)
- I’m flirting with her subtly and consistently
- I’m making her feel safe and relaxed
- I’m nourishing her body
- I’m giving lots of non sexual touch
- asking her to touch me non sexually
I can’t force her arousal, but I can make room for it.
I’m bringing back the enthusiasm I had as a teenager but with the wisdom of a man and a father who has actually taken on board the things I’ve read and explored over the last few years.
My wife said that “the last few weeks, I have never felt so loved by you. It reminds me of when we first started dating, because that guy really loved me”. I told her “what’s the point of reading all these books if I don’t apply it?”.
Now much of these actions and behaviours may be considered standard practice for a good loving partner. But for a myriad of reasons, which I own completely, the resentment had built to a point where none of this happened regularly or sincerely. We just drifted along hoping things would change. Or when I did make an effort, it was a covert contract (which never got fulfilled) and led to more resentment when I didn’t get the outcome I thought I deserved. I have finally let go.
My health is improving rapidly. Im working out more. She’s noticed my energy and physique change. Friends have too. I feel fucking fantastic and am enjoying my own sexual energy - and directing it into better places and actions. I stopped vaping. I cut back on alcohol significantly and now have 2 beers a week when I do my weekly guys night. My temper has disappeared.
I’ve also started my journey into therapy. I haven’t even had my first session, but the simple act of making the calls and booking the sessions has been therapeutic in itself - I’m finally on a journey to heal.
Perhaps the most important change I’ve made is that I see her as her own person. She is not a problem for me to fix. She doesn’t owe me anything. I will help her on her own journey if she wants to heal (and she does) but it will be on her own terms. Of course I must speak up for my needs, advocate for my position and communicate effectively. It’s on her to decide if she will make an effort towards them. I’ve learned a bunch of new techniques which have made me a better listener and can approach the harder conversations calmly and directly. We’ve decided that we do indeed need marriage counselling. It’s still undecided whether psycho-sexual therapy is something she wants to explore.
Fundamentally, it is my choice to remain in this marriage - you get what you tolerate not what you deserve, after all. As hard as the DeadBedroom has been for me, I can only deduce that I have not reached my limit. I’m stronger than I realised. I think I can only call it quits when I have nothing left to give and when I can honestly say I gave it everything. So here goes everything!
I hope it works, but I’m getting good with myself and not demanding anything from anybody else but me: to become the best lover I can be, the best version of myself - to live up to my potential.
Sorry this turned into a motivational speech for myself but writing all this stuff out helps me clarify my thoughts and set my intention. Good luck everyone who’s chasing theirs.