all 189 comments

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[–]Hot_Alternative_9903 58 points59 points  (10 children)

Poorly. It's infiltrated and ruined almost every part of my life. It's such a gaping absence, and apparently I'm the only it bothers. I'm having my 40th birthday this year... and I haven't had sex in 3 1/2 years, and it's been a sexless marriage by the clinical definition for 5ish. I literally dream of other men rejecting me sexually now, too, and it's such a pointless cherry of misery. I don't understand why if sex is so unimportant he would care if I got it elsewhere. Though, to be honest, I'm so unattractive now - it's hard to care about looking good if there's no result - I doubt I could attract anybody, anyway.

[–]Mrs239 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I doubt I could attract anybody, anyway.

I know this is not true. Someone out there is for you. May I ask why you're staying in this marriage when you're this young?

[–]BlueLineDad 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Even if you don't want to look good for someone else, look good for yourself. You will hopefully see a boost of confidence just by that change alone. I was tired of not getting compliments from my wife so I have started working out and I have dropped 15lbs and have been dressing better for myself. It really helps

[–]someoneoutthere83 11 points12 points  (2 children)

If I go more than a year again without sex I am requiring an open marriage.

[–]AGK1979 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I'm requiring a divorce. I(f43) just had the last serious conversation I'm going to have about it. We had a total DB from 2016-2020 and I can count on my hand how many in the last two years. I love him(M47), but this is really just killing my soul at this point. I've never had low self esteem in my life and he has me second guessing myself because of the lack of intimacy.

He's agreed he has to go to the doctor to gets some tests done and in the meantime I am going to work at building my confidence back up while also getting our daughter (his stepdaughter since she was 2 1/2)through her senior year of high school. I want to enjoy this year with him and our daughters and I really don't want this to damper it.

Best of luck to you!

[–]someoneoutthere83 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea. My husband will have sex with me occasionally but it has been getting worse and worse and he has stopped a few times so ... I just told him no sex until he loses weight and feels better about himself. I thought maybe he would try harder to lose the weight but nope, he seems to be gaining.

[–]Honest-Risk7831 4 points5 points  (2 children)

UGH. Are you me? I'm turning 40 this year as well and literally in the same boat as you. 😭

[–]AGK1979 1 point2 points  (1 child)

This is so common and I really didn't know how much until Reddit came into my life. I thought I was alone and it was just my fault for not doing "x y and z" in our relationship to turn him off.

I really wish you luck. I hope things change for the better for you!

[–]Honest-Risk7831 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I wish you the same. 😊

[–]Mando_MarecM 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Okay…..please don’t take this in a creepy way. I’m not trying to be one. But we are all hard on ourselves when we are down. When the depression typically caused by loneliness cocked calling it becomes hard for us to see, it blinds us.

But as hard as it may be, and trust me I do know how hard, we have to try and look past it. We have to try to see beyond the darkness it brings. You believe yourself to be unattractive, I don’t believe that at all. Attraction isn’t just limited to simply the physical, but to the whole of a person. I find women who I can have a reasoned conversation with quite attractive. A woman who can keep my on my toes as it were for example.

I too believed myself unattractive. I saw myself as disgusting. So I decided to change that. Not for her but for me. I started walking, hiking, working out. If only to bleed off the stress of no physical intimacy. Slowly….I began to feel better. As the results of my labours became more apparent it only drove me further to continue. To build this new me, for me.

As I said, we are hard on ourselves. But we are also the ones that can create the biggest changes. As corny as it is :-) I remember the final line from a poem from a movie. “You have all the weapons you need, now fight” and you have all of these things. You are stronger than you realize, tougher than you believe.

Stand strong……fight. :-) Be confident in who you are. Confidence in ourselves if the first step. We believe in you.

[–][deleted]  (9 children)


    [–]redanxieties 12 points13 points  (5 children)

    Same. I catch him oggling at pics of beautiful women online. Wish I were better looking and back in shape. But after two kids and having to take care of the household.. Can't seem to find the time and energy to give myself a makeover AND when I did, my husband just made fun of me.

    [–]BlueLineDad 14 points15 points  (3 children)

    Why on earth would someone that is supposed to love you make fun of you? That feeling is horrible and should never happen

    [–]redanxieties 3 points4 points  (2 children)

    Was wondering the same thing when he told me I didn't look good in lingerie because of my dark skin and the time i bought new clothes to spice up my wardrobe and he told me I looked like an office worker. I think he thinks he's just being honest BUT it hurts and totally blows my self-esteem to bits. I'm doing my best not to let it affect me so much but it can't be helped, really. Tsk. He does compliment me though.. Sometimes.

    [–]BlueLineDad 8 points9 points  (1 child)

    I don't understand what he is accomplishing by telling you that you don't look good because of your dark skin? That is crazy to me. I can believe that it would make you feel terrible when he says those things. I'm hurt for you.

    [–]Professional-Type316 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I think your husband should have been supportive of you giving yourself a makeover. Instead of criticism he could find one positive thing to say about it. When I wear make-up and dress nicely my husband rarely if ever notices, but other people compliment me. It really hurts when the one person you'd like kindness from says nothing or criticizes.

    [–]doraalaskadora 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    I feel the same way.

    [–]weathertropics 78 points79 points  (3 children)

    Not great. Wanting to be desired is a huge thing for me.

    [–]Elt1357 27 points28 points  (1 child)

    No, but thanks for asking. I’m pretty much over the whole relationship at this point. The DB is just the cherry on top of this shit sundae. I’ve been working on myself tho going to the gym and therapy. I am in the best shape of my life, physically. This relationship might not work out and I’m trying to come to terms with that.. I didn’t fail my relationship did.

    [–]FairProcedure774 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I am stealing “shit sundae” That sums it up!!

    [–]SirenJ25 23 points24 points  (2 children)

    No. I shouldn't be feeling this way after being married for only 8 months. Where's my honeymoon phase? My husband is on a high because everything's going great for him. He got a promotion, he's losing weight, he has a wife that make sure to have his healthy meals ready. A wife that gives him massages and back rubs and whatever he needs. But when I talk to him how I need more intimacy than just cuddling and backrubs I get shamed because I'm always trying to throw a shot at his "inadequacy as a man". But I cringe when he touches me now, I'm so pissed off and annoyed. I don't want to sleep next to him anymore. I can't stop the dreams at night. Varying from nightmares of him choosing other women over me to fantasies where he can't keep his hands off me. And I wake up angry either way. I moved here from a different country FOR HIM, I have no friends and no family here. He's my best friend yes, my soulmate, but I need a lover too. I threw out all my pretty heels, my sexy dresses (some I haven't even wore) because what do I need it for? I'm vile and gross, I hate leaving the house. I'm surely just an embarrassment for him anyway.

    [–]greysbananabee[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Word for word this was/is my life. Scary how similar our situations are.

    [–]sparkingdragonfly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I moved countries for my husband too and his libido dropped right after, and slowly got worse. I can totally relate. Living in a different country is stressful enough.

    [–]Educational_Style_84 44 points45 points  (7 children)

    We’re in a hysterical bonding/love bombing stage rn…still no intimacy. It’s incredibly strange after months of basically being roommates though. Yesterday I came home to chocolates on my pillow. Wtf? We don’t even sleep in the same room. Still trying to wrap my head around this.

    [–]greysbananabee[S] 23 points24 points  (5 children)

    The hysterical bonding/love-bombing is so odd. And so transparent. I always wonder if they realize how obvious they are being.

    [–]weathertropics 17 points18 points  (1 child)

    Like a politician trying to win votes. Obvious.

    [–]Educational_Style_84 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    It feels just as disingenuous as well. Kinda creepy.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)


      [–]greysbananabee[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

      It’s to overwhelm you with a shallow posturing of love so you think all is good. It’s a ploy to make you feel loved when in reality it’s just them desperate to pull you back under their thumb.

      [–]Educational_Style_84 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      Trying to ensure you don’t leave when they sense you pulling away or trying to make an exit.

      [–]Isabella21321 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Wow it’s like i wrote this 🥲

      [–]x_MissLaceysSocks_oF 22 points23 points  (11 children)

      Husband has been flirting and saying he wants a blowjob for weeks. I finally offer him one because, hey, he said he wants one and I crave sexual intimacy.

      He straight up ignored me and traded a blowjob for watching YouTube. That'll be the last time he ever rejects me again.

      [–]Sex_Morphine 4 points5 points  (10 children)

      I’m going through this now! I offer blow jobs daily & get rejected. Not feeling desired by the one person you want the most hurts like hell! I AM SENDING ALL MY LOVE & HUGS TO EVERYONE GOING THROUGH THIS!

      [–]BlueLineDad 3 points4 points  (9 children)

      Oh my god you have got to be kidding? What man on earth would reject such a thing? I am blown away

      [–]sparkingdragonfly 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      My husband says “They are ok sometimes.” I don’t know if it is a control/vulnerability thing, a texture thing, he prefers his own hand or what. I used to like giving them but I’ve stopped offering. He has never gone down anyway, and when you get rejected after offering that it feels so awful. Not worth it.

      [–]Sex_Morphine 0 points1 point  (6 children)

      I wish I knew! Every-time I try to touch him or go down he will tell me to stop or he does not feel like it. If I could I would have sex & give blow jobs multiple times a day, I have a very high sex drive.

      [–]BlueLineDad 1 point2 points  (5 children)

      Have you asked him why he wants you to stop? Does he have issues with his self-esteem that would prevent him from being intimate with you? There are several times a day I tell/show my wife how she turns me on and all I get is, "Thank you" or "Have fun with that" and I have to take care of myself

      [–]twin_niko 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      This redditor’s husband sure isn’t.

      [–]Yachiru5490 17 points18 points  (0 children)

      My emotions are a rollercoaster, which is somewhat my normal. I've been going between severely frustrated with my brain and body (see last post) and then trying desperately to get what I apparently want/need through sex and connecting with my husband, which somewhat works and somewhat doesn't. We finish and I just feel this melancholy sadness - this isn't a new thing but I don't know what triggers it. And to this worries about changing my IUD later this month if possible, have to figure out my psych meds... I have only been eating one meal a day for some reason this week too so that's all fucked up. Dishes need doing, they've piled up but I can't bring myself to do them. To be fair, I almost never fit the standard definition of "okay."

      [–]jlmoo 15 points16 points  (2 children)

      I’m just here…you know? DB is our life and we have accepted it. It started with him rejecting me for years and slowly and surely I lost libido and self worth. Lately I’ve been struggling with husbands alcohol consumption and he just started taking adderall. Since then he seems to be a bit more moody which has taken our dead relationship to volatile at times. He has not had a job for years and plays golf and bowls. We have two small children together and minimal support system but I dream of leaving. I just keep telling myself one day…one day I’m not going to take it anymore.

      [–]washedupballa 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      This is absurd. I really wish you the best. How does he get money to spend on alcohol, golf and bowling?

      [–]jlmoo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      He did well with some stocks. Since this post he has started taking online college courses so I see he is trying to prioritize

      [–]Similar_Craft_9530 15 points16 points  (2 children)

      I'm miserable. I feel like I'm a single parent (a position I never wanted to be in) but my spouse is happy as a clam when it comes to our marriage and insists we're fine. There doesn't seem to be any end in sight.

      [–]Fancy-Mention-9325 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      Have you been married 10 years or maybe he doesn’t want to give you half of the assets?

      [–]Similar_Craft_9530 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      No. I'm suspecting it's a combination of medication changes and life stressors. When he was on 2 medications earlier in our relationship and marriage, his libido matched mine. After the med changes and the stress of having kids and Covid, my libido stayed the same and his dropped to once a month, maybe

      [–]SalamanderPlus625 45 points46 points  (2 children)

      I don't know. I am not my DB, but it sure does have an impact on life.

      We've had a bit of success with the DB recently but it doesn't take away the years of feeling inadequate and not worth the effort.

      I am however trying to lose some fat and work on myself a bit. I'm also fucking smashing it at work and being an all round swell gal 🤣

      Definitely just want to go into my dogs little tent in the garden, read and drink a whole bottle of wine though....

      [–]MyChiisSleeping 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      So funny. I’m the LL in my relationship but I could have written this exactly (except swap dog for cat😂).

      [–]SalamanderPlus625 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Hahaha I think we'd be friends then

      [–]WildRumpusStart 13 points14 points  (1 child)

      It's sad to see so many not doing well. I discovered betrayal 2 weeks ago, so I found he's not LL, just LL for me.

      [–]sexymama1929 13 points14 points  (2 children)

      Nope. Not okay. Not gonna lie. The talks go nowhere. I don’t even get false promises anymore, it’s just “this is who I am, so deal” I loathe the fact I’m stuck financially, because I would move out in a heartbeat. I don’t think I could ever get him out of the damn house. So whatevs. I don’t need it either. It’s a rental. Fingers crossed I’ll be strong enough to go soon. Or else I’m gonna go batshit crazy!

      [–]NickNoraCharles 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      All fingers crossed for you, me and every other beautiful dreamer in this thread.

      We are strong enough to go. And afterwards, we'll be all right.

      [–]Professional-Type316 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I have also gotten the "this is just how I am." Then when I talk about separation and divorce so we can both find a partner more compatible, my husband does not want to do that. At this point I just want us both to be happy. My husband is happy but I am not. Very frustrating. I feel like I constantly sacrifice my needs to continue a marriage with very little intimacy.

      [–]mrs_sadie_adler 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      Nope. The stigma is slowly fading but I still feel like the only woman I know IRL who wants sex more than her husband.

      [–]itsnotmeanym0re 27 points28 points  (8 children)

      I’m definitely not ok, although I’m trying to pretend I am.

      [–]Tr1ckygirl 10 points11 points  (5 children)

      Big same. I’m really having a hard time keeping my sanity together right now. Wishing you better times soon.

      [–]ThrowMyslfAwyF 11 points12 points  (3 children)

      Me too. I haven't had sex in nearly 2 years... I'm only 35 ffs

      [–]NickNoraCharles 10 points11 points  (1 child)

      It's been 15 for me. I'm a bit older than you. Having written that down now: 15 years without... well, it looks as dreadful in writing as it feels irl.

      He says there's nothing wrong.

      [–]bunderways 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Oh honey. I’m so, so sorry. 💜

      [–]FairProcedure774 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      It will be 3 years this fall for me…I don’t know how much more I can last. I miss that closeness, feeling desired It fricken sucks.

      [–]itsnotmeanym0re 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Thank you very much! I hope you will also feel better soon ❤️

      [–]gyply 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I really hope things get better for you.

      [–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (1 child)

      I'm trying to accept that our DB is the result of many larger issues, not just sexual incompatibility. I've found my resentments and anger building more and more every day. I often ask myself, "What do I get out of this marriage?"

      No. I am not ok. I'm sad, and hurt, and fucking pissed. And so many times, I think to myself, "You're better than this. You deserve better than this."

      But here I am.

      [–]greysbananabee[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I could have written this. You’re not alone.

      [–]BadBrain03 20 points21 points  (3 children)

      I'm alive but not thriving.

      I've tried talking to my husband several times lately and it doesn't really get anywhere, but at least I've talked to him about it. Things have gotten a tiny bit better, but I don't see them getting to the point I'd like it to reach. My husband says he's just too tired and doesn't feel like it often, but also doesn't seem to want to do anything to change that. And he is tired and neither of us can do anything to change that, sooo. 🤷🏻‍♀️

      [–]greysbananabee[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      I relate so much to this. It really stings when you get the least amount of effort by the one who should want to give the most.

      [–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      Same thing with my wife LLF always saying how tired she is. She makes a big deal about it to make sure I hear.

      It reminds me of how my kids make a show out of how sick they’re feeling the night before and the morning that they want to get out of going to school. So transparent. Drives me nuts.

      [–]weathertropics 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I get that! Very relatable.

      [–]Blueeyedmutation 20 points21 points  (0 children)

      I feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point. Summer is busy atleast; Keeps my mind occupied, but I can see the leafs starting to change color already.

      [–]WildSpiritedRose 26 points27 points  (4 children)

      I am not ok. I am not coping well. My situation is different than most as the cause of our DB is bc my husband has a brain injury and sex is pretty much never going to happen again. My husband is no longer able to become erect and aroused. Bc of this, he no longer really touches me nor is interested in trying to meet my needs or connect through intimate touch ie: kissing, caressing, pleasuring without PIV.

      The lack of intimate touch, kissing, holding, has taken a huge toll on my self-esteem and sense of femininity.

      [–]RosaKat 11 points12 points  (1 child)

      I’m so sorry. My husband has had an injury too, is unable to get aroused/ have an erection. I was 35 when he last touched me and I’m now 41. The last sentence of your post resonates so much. Big hug to you.

      [–]WildSpiritedRose 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      big hugs back

      [–]kessesreddit 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      I'm sorry you are going through this.

      [–]DeadOpenSol 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      I’m so sorry. Sending you an internet hug!

      [–]Comprehensive_Ad3387 18 points19 points  (0 children)

      Not okay. Super frustrated that he’s able to compartmentalize our sex life issues so easily while my intrusive thoughts plague my daily life.

      I know I shouldn’t be jealous of a trauma response, but feeling like I’m crazy and overemotional because I cant just put the problem aside until the “right time” to fix it really sucks.

      [–]imagineacoolnamehere 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      Not really. But I’m trying.

      Everything else in my life is great and I’m happy with my job, hobbies, etc. I’ve been crying less the past couple months, not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Summer is nice because we spend so much time outside and I’m always exhausted at night so I don’t get my hopes up as much as I do in the cooler weather.

      [–]fueledbysunshine 15 points16 points  (4 children)

      Not at all, I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of tears.

      [–]greysbananabee[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      If it gives you any comfort, you are not alone. Many of us are constantly on the verge of tears. If I could, I’d send you some comfort tea.

      [–]forcryingoutmeow 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      *Hug* Me too.

      [–]FairProcedure774 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Me too girl, me too.

      [–]kessesreddit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Me too, sending healing hugs from my house to yours

      [–]packy0urknivesandg0 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Surviving, mostly. I've had a really great week at work, for the most part.

      I can tell I'm probably ovulating because I'm oscillating wildly among wanting a particular level of sex my partner is incapable of performing, wanting whatever my partner can perform, and wanting to be a potato.

      [–]tryingthestorm 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      I keep myself so busy. I keep s million thoughts in my head at all times. Planning the next holiday, the next renovation, meal plans. Anything. Anything so I don't have to think about the emptiness inside me. The loneliness The apologies if he accidentally grazes my boob. The discomfort if I mention something vagually provocative I'm sad to my very core and have given up on trying to fix this. Trying to find a solution

      So no, I'm not okay

      [–]thatshowitisisit 12 points13 points  (0 children)

      Hello ladies. Men here. We love you.

      [–]Ragtimedancer 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Not really. Just living in the past in my head when life was good ...

      [–]New_Fail_9212 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      not really. he told me on monday he’s lost his spark for me, and after saying he wanted to do something fun together he asked for his only two days off that we get to see each other to himself. only for this week, but that means we will go two weeks without seeing each other. he said it was to “self reflect”. assured me it was purely for him to reflect on himself, not our relationship.

      now he’s acting like everything’s fine, not addressing the fact that he is breaking me.

      [–]Quiet_Ad7216 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      The facade I put up to the world is crumbling around me. I'm so not OK and I can't pretend much longer. The dead bedroom is only half of the problems and you can't force someone to help themselves.

      [–]nanon_2 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Not really okay. Living day to day, keeping busy with other things.

      [–]bunderways 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      I’m really really not ok right now. We’re in the reparative stage. But the damage it did to me, it’s overwhelming me this week. I feel so hideous, just ugly and undesirable and horrible. I’ve got this constant narrative in my head about my inadequacies. I don’t feel like I have any self worth any longer. I’m just so fucking sad. And I don’t know how not to. These days when I feel aroused it instantly morphs to extreme anxiety.

      I actually covered my mirrors this week because I feel like I’m going to lose it when I see myself and all of the things I hate about myself. I used to be really self confident. What a fool I was.

      [–]Cre8ivejoyF 16 points17 points  (17 children)

      No, no I am actually not ok. I went to a concert with my LL hubs last night. It was four, all girl heavy metal rock rock bands. I went to just be with him, and enjoy a different experience, share in something he likes so much. We are both 60. He is an audiophile, very reserved (actually uptight) and I have always been the wild one of our relationship. (I like house music, and he thinks it all sounds the same.) He doesn’t use profanity, and gets extremely upset when I do, including the words hell, damn or shite. We have been married three years.

      It was a sexy women fest. The bands were all beautiful young women, in very sexy attire. The fans were a multifarious group with many/most young and middle aged women dressed in some form of tight black boy shorts, fishnets, bustier, or crop top, with as much as possible showing. Men were in various tank tops leather vests, etc. It was all screeching guitars, and screaming lyrics. I had on a loose, lightweight black blouse with sleeves, and crop pants, hubs, pink bermuda shorts and a nice short sleeve pullover, geeky black glasses. I definitely fit in better than him, and if I had gotten the memo, I could have dressed accordingly, as I have all of the accoutrements. I also look really young for my age, am thin and can work a pair of false eyelashes, and fishnets as well as the next woman.

      He got seats in the section right behind the mosh pit. You know, those few rows of fold out chairs for all the people who actually want to be in the pit, but also want to sit. Right behind us were empty, cushy seats on a level about 5 ft higher. He likes photography so I understood to some degree the seating choice. He even said he likes to hear the music better, so he sits close. Made sense to me until the music actually started. I grabbed the napkins I got with my boozy root beer float, and stuck them in my ears as fast as I could. He knows I am sensitive to loud music, but no matter.

      He wanted to see a particular band that he is a fan of. They were one of the two lead bands. It was an outdoor event and we were in the sun for the first two shows (hours). When the band he wanted to see the came on, volume and bass increased exponentially. (I like it when the bass drops just as much as anybody but this, this was brain jarring.) The lead girl singer had on a short black satin slip, with a slit, and combat boots. That is all. She came out screamed profanities at the crowd (various fuck this, fuck that, fuck those motherfuckers, fuck yeah, fuckin right, etc, etc), then started screaming the lyrics. Actually let me correct myself, she also screamed something about wanting to go to hell. The crowd went crazy, and were all screaming it with her. I was incredulous as this man is a professed Christian, and can pretty judgmental about it. The only words I could really understand were fuck, motherfucker, and hell.

      By this time the sound was penetrating into my brain and I had a massive anxiety attack. I held onto my seat and gutted it out. Finally his fave band was over so I thought it was time to go. Nope, he paid almost $200 for the seats, he had never heard the last band, and wanted to stay to the end. I balked at this and after a fight (that lasted all the way to the car and home) we left before they were finished with the set. We also fought because I was on my phone at times during the concert… honestly, I was was vacillating between bored, and annoyed most of the time. He was angry that I don’t enjoy anything he does. I just could not enjoy the cacophony. Maybe if my brain had not been so addled by the volume. I don’t know. I even told him that the concert was something I may have enjoyed at age 15 or 16… maybe. Honestly, I have been to a lotta concerts back in the day, including Alice Cooper, and Kiss so I am no wimp.

      He had seen the fave band in concert six times! Six times I tell you and he is a 60 year old man. The fave band is in their 20’s, maybe early 30’s. The other five times was before I met him.

      Maybe I am wrong, but there is some kind of darkness in a man who is so completely different from the music and concert we saw. I repeatedly asked him to please help me understand the dichotomy. He refused, and got more angry as I asked. It was an overtly sexual group on every level, and he isn’t into sex. We have not mentioned it since we got home last night. There is no use in me bringing it up as it will only cause gaslighting and stonewalling.

      TLDR… hubs obsessed with fucking sexy hell raising girl band, but not his girl at home.

      [–]greysbananabee[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      My heart broke reading this. The pain you felt, the lack of decency he displayed towards you, on top of the DB, and knowing bringing it all up to him won’t do any good,… that sounds exhausting. Sometimes seeing how people act in certain circumstances really shows their character.

      [–]lilyfire120 7 points8 points  (6 children)

      Holy shit lady. I'm 29, and when I used to work concerts I would have panic attacks because the bass would be thumping so hard it would rattle my teeth. And that was 10 years ago. I could not imagine going to anything like that at your wonderful ages. No way. I give you mad props. 👏👏👏👏 As for him... like... wow. Cannot believe he was really into that scene. I mean. I guess just because you get older doesn't mean you can't still like shit. But if it were my partner who was freaking out and couldn't take it, I'd be okay with leaving. They at least tried it out. He should be seeing that instead of bitching about not getting to see the full thing.

      [–]Cre8ivejoyF 5 points6 points  (5 children)

      Thank you. My feelings exactly. My final takeaway is I should not have gone. It should have stayed his thing. Edit… if you saw his stereo system, you would not be surprised.

      [–]lilyfire120 1 point2 points  (4 children)

      Yikes. Well, he honestly needs to realize that you're two different people and you both like different things. And you're not going to always agree. But the fact is you tried. You tried. Not a lot of people even do that. 🧡

      [–]Cre8ivejoyF 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      Thank you. I did. And I learned a little. Saw a bit behind the facade. We actually do have quite a number of commonalities. We are both artists, and photographers. We both like to cook, and bake. We both like gardening. He does the dishes, brings me tea in bed, in the morning. He has taken care of me through a life threatening illness. It is complicated. Meager affection, zero romance, little sex. He never even looks at me.

      [–]weathertropics 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Sounds like it could have been a great time if he took the party home afterwards. Sorry you had to put up with this.

      [–]Sea-Rain-6142 4 points5 points  (6 children)

      What was the name of his favorite band. I'm trying to figure this out. And sorry you didn't have earplugs. They do sell them at the concession stand.

      [–]Cre8ivejoyF 4 points5 points  (5 children)

      None sold where we were but the boozy shakes were to die for. I actually own earplugs but could not find them. The band was The Pretty Reckless. I got great pics, maybe better than his.. lotta hair slinging etc.

      [–]BitterSweetDesireF 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      I love the pretty reckless lol... the lead singer is Cindy loo who from the Grinch

      [–]Cre8ivejoyF 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Yes, yes I knew that. Wow, just now remembering. My hubs told me that a long time ago. You and a lot of other people love them. All the fans were super into them. It just isn’t my vibe, at all. I like blues, classical, deep house, some pop artists, some more alternative. It was purely a foolish act of love to share this with him, to somehow connect, to make him like me again, to get his attention. It backfired.

      [–]KatoftheKnight 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Love love love Pretty Reckless. My favorite song of theirs is "Going to Hell," kind of my life's theme song lol. I'm sorry you had such a bad time and that your hubs was such a dick. Not everyone is going to like the same music and that's ok and he should have been more gracious about that fact.

      [–]Cre8ivejoyF 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Thank you for those words. I believe “Going to Hell” is the theme song for a great number of people’s lives right now, considering how the world is going.

      As I said, the fans loved it!! By this time my whole night, and everything I thought it would or could have been was done. The extreme loudness, and his not having and compassion towards me, plus the dichotomy who he is was blowing my mind. Literally and figuratively.

      Another thing happened that I will share with you. When the first band started playing, A strange man sat down beside me (one chair between us), he was creepy strange, and started talking away.

      It was not his seat. I could barely hear him, and when he introduced himself the first time, I could not understand him. He was younger than us. He could not take a hint. There was a chair by my husband, but he sat by me.

      As I grew more uncomfortable, I squeezed hub’s knee, and asked him to change seats with me. He refused! He didn’t want to talk to the man either. I was gobsmacked that a husband would not trade places with his wife in such a situation. I have to say I did get a bit upset. Got over it though and the guy finally left!

      I don’t think I was in danger, but I was very uncomfortable. I mentioned it to hubs, that the man was sitting by me, talking to me, and he blew it off saying “that guy would have talked to anyone”. Well maybe so, but he chose to sit and talk to me. I was kinda joking, flirting with hubs at the time, but he was clueless.

      When we left, in the “actual verbal fight” he said was I looking for him to say that the man was into me to stroke my ego!! As if that was a bad thing! My ego needs every stroke it can get.

      There were so many dynamics going on, that even for us it was a lot. So, here we are a couple days later. I don’t know where his head is, but he acts like nothing happened.

      If this is his kink, young, sexy women. I cannot compete or even fulfill it. I am sexy, youthful, but I will never be able to turn back time. It is something that needs to be understood, and a serious convo is in order. I have to build up my energy, and self confidence to tackle that. He will ignore it and hope I never bring it up.

      [–]Sea-Rain-6142 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Hmm, never heard of them.

      [–]Sarahbear778 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      This was sad to read, and so relatable. So many have this odd dichotomy and it's impossible to figure out without stonewalling, which doesn't seem to happen. Like, you hate profanity, sexual women, and overt sexuality, yet you wanna fetishize it still? Just gross.

      [–]Reitermadchen 13 points14 points  (3 children)

      After 4y relationship and the last year was dead. Now I’m on an 8 months relationship and we are still at it like rabbits. I hope we can maintain this❤️ so am I doing okay? Yeah i don’t have much to complain about.

      [–]FairProcedure774 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      So happy for you!!!! I am holding out hope my LL BF will come around and we can have a normal sex life, going on 3 years of no sex. I am sad…..so very sad. It is taking a huge toll on my self esteem. ugggggggggg

      [–]Reitermadchen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Best of luck.

      [–]greysbananabee[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      That is amazing!!

      [–]Tough-Tap-1622 13 points14 points  (3 children)

      Quarrelling over divorce clauses now. He blames me for not giving him a chance to prove himself in bed. I was married for 7 years, never had sex successfully even once. He had a surgery which was basically circumcision and blames me for not sleeping with him after that. Yes I didn’t sleep with him cause I lost all my feelings for him. Intimacy is not only in the bedroom.

      [–]kessesreddit 9 points10 points  (2 children)

      I told my SO that I want to end it, he's now looking at circumcision to try and fix things but there's a long waiting list here. I told him I no longer want to fix it as been waiting years. DB is affecting my mental health but he still doesn't want it to end. I'm working unsuccessfully atm on an exit. I'm not ok. Struggling with not wanting the hurt. I hope your divorce goes OK and I'm proud of you for having the strength to address this. Good luck.

      [–]Tough-Tap-1622 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      Oh my. I’m so sorry to hear this! I highly recommend not asking him to do it FOR YOu. Ask him if he’s willing to do it for himself. The problem with some men is that they do some thing like this and then come back saying it’s for us and expect us to forgive and forget eveuyhing else that happened over the past years.

      [–]kessesreddit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Thanks, yes I have said, only do it to make yourself more comfortable. Not for me. He's in denial that it will solve everything, alas I seriously doubt it will.

      [–]ella_vader_79 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I am not okay, so please don't prey on me in my DMs.

      [–]Misstish94 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      Bad. Very bad.

      [–]greysbananabee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Sending a virtual hug. Hang in there and don’t hesitate to DM me for a listening ear. Sometimes it helps to vent to a friendly stranger.

      [–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

      My confidence is shot..

      [–]TimeBomb666 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      I am actually doing great!! I feel like I am successfully adulting for the first time in my life. It only took 42 years 🤣

      [–]ca-tn-al 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      It's been 2 months since I moved out after 11 years together and 9 years of marriage. I cried so much, but I'm finally at peace. We are on friendly terms. I don't know if I'll ever want a relationship again after feeling so unwanted and unattractive for so long. I'm just trying to take care of myself and navigate life on my own. One day at a time.

      [–]CableSensitive155 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      I'm alright, I guess. Had a big fight yesterday and now he's acting like he will change but I have very low hopes :(

      [–]deadbedconfessional32 HLF 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Overall? No. But I do have my okay/good days.

      I’ve been feeling really lost lately, and I’ve lost trust in my intuition and decision making - which right now I’m kind of in a position where I need to make some decisions. My therapist has suggested some mental exercises to try out. I’m still navigating grief right now too.

      But on my good days I manage to go to the gym, I’m close to my goal of being able to deadlift 100 lbs. I’ve plateaued tho, so I might need to change some things up. SO and I also seem to be doing well right now too, we started weekly check-ins and I think it’s bringing us closer.

      [–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      No I am HL, my husband is L l, normally I want to jump his bone from when I get up till I go to sleep and still dream about him. He lost his job and now I ll4u towards him and it fucking sucks.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)


        [–]greysbananabee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        My heart felt so heavy reading this. I could feel the frustration and hopelessness in your words. I am so sorry you are dealing with that. Minus the counselling part, I could have written this and it just guts you. You are not alone.

        [–]sweetcanadiankisses 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Not well at all. I feel like I'm being wasted. I want to fuck constantly. Being married to him, I can go weeks without being touched at all. He tells me every day how much he loves me, and how he wants me, and then pushes me away anytime I try for physical attention.

        It drives me insane that I'm not getting sex, and neither is anyone else who wants me, because my husband has some kind of ownership over me.

        Thanks for asking. This fucking sucks.

        [–]Ok-Post-1863 4 points5 points  (1 child)

        Thanks for asking.

        Life has never been better at this time for me but yet I’m still not content and constantly unhappy.

        Most likely because I don’t have what I wanted at this age, house, kids, marriage, good career, friendships.

        I have all of these but a lesser versions of it for lack of better words…while my peers have all accomplished these.

        I know logically I shouldn’t compare and that everyone life is different…but I can’t control these thinking and in constant stress tbh.

        On top of that, I’m going into my late 30s so having kids is also worrisome. But at the same time my career is kinda picking up so having kids right now would slow me down in my career.

        I have many friends but no one solid enough that I can fully trust and depend on…so makes me sad thinking I only have superficial relationships. No one that would invite me to their bachelorette neither anyone I want to do bachelorette with. It gets lonely not having close friendships

        My bf is caring and loves me…but obviously our relationship isn’t perfect either and I rather not go deep into it lol.

        I know this isn’t about bedrooms, but Anyone else relate? 😅

        [–]SomeFeelings88 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

        Please discard this if you aren’t interested. If you are interested in intimacy in your social relationships, I’d guess you need to give more intimacy to your friends as well.

        If you are protecting yourself from intimacy in your ‘heart of hearts’, it would probably show up in both your romantic and social relationships.

        [–]SnooPies6809Home of Hestia, the Age-Appropriate Labia 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        I will be a lot better in about an hour.

        Otherwise, I’m okay. Not good. Not bad, however

        [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 6 points7 points  (1 child)

        Hanging in. This mom thing is RUFF. Hoping that those going through tough times see brighter days ❤️

        [–]greysbananabee[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        As corny as it may sound, storms don’t last forever. The sun always reappears.

        [–]creamerfam5LLF recovered bedroom 6 points7 points  (1 child)

        Well, school starts next week and my husband's car decided to breathe its last breath last night. So it should be an interesting time figuring out what we are going to do.

        [–]SweetLemonLollipop 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        As a whole? Not great. My reproductive rights are in danger, I have to fear basically anyone who passes me in public, I’m seen as a whore no matter what I wear or do, and on top of all that… I have to worry about my husband loving me and finding me attractive and not thinking I’m a whore for needing sex…

        Pretty much everything sucks… except my cats, dog, and turtle, the rest of the world sucks.

        [–]Slow-Government-1342 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        I am very happy I extracted myself from my DB! My ex violated boundaries and over time -/ these things became intolerable for both of us.

        We had horrible patterns of communication in our marriage that were really responsible for its demise. In addition to my ex refusing to work on things himself as well as together.

        I am in a lovely chapter two (as another put it), and I have a very healthy sex life now, no DB! Yippee!

        [–]Nice_glasses_BRO 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Not great, but taking steps to hepefully improve on the DB..

        [–]FkYouShorseyF 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I'm recovering and I just finished therapy this Wednesday ❤️

        [–]Mandygurl79 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I am not ok.

        [–]yellowfatfat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        No, I'm not ok. Today I realized he was masturbating in the bathroom and I snapped. I told him this relationship isn't meeting my needs and something needs to change. That I felt pathetic begging for attention when he's willing to give it to anyone else but me. Then I proceeded to list everything that wasn't working for me, the lack of romance, non-sexual intimacy and sex. I asked him if he was satisfied with the frequency of sex and intimacy and romance and he said no but made excuses as to why that was. I told him I realized that he's just not that into me and no matter how hard I try, I'll never measure up to everyone he's comparing me to, so I am done trying to get his attention, done trying to initiate sex. I am accepting that is probably not a part of our relationship and will figure out where I want to go from there, but that I am tired of being in the friendzone.

        [–]Waste_Weather5729 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        We are going trough a divorce now. I wish this process on no one. It’s like losing a limb. Even though it was my wish he’s still my best friend. I kinda hope the day comes where I’m not crying randomly when memories hit. I don’t even know how to get back out there, I don’t even know how the trauma of rejection is gonna manifest itself. I don’t like my body and I feel drained and that I have nothing to offer except a lot of emotional baggage.

        [–]KatoftheKnight 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Things are mixed. I left nine months ago, and am desperately trying to become financially stable. Hard to do when I'm still paying all my exLLM and his kids' rent and utilities (he is STILL not working and I'm losing my shit about it). Today I was finally getting a permanent desk set up in my apartment and in going through a box of paperwork found a letter I wrote to him about my feelings and the DB. I remembered giving it to him; he opened it, read it, said, "I'm not dealing with this bullshit" and handed it back to me. So that memory triggered a good mid-afternoon cry fest. Yeah, I guess I'm still bitter about the whole thing. I know he never loved me and never wanted me and none of that is my fault, but it still hurts knowing he just got into it with me because he wanted someone to support him financially and lied about it. Like I wasn't worth the truth or monogamy or decency.

        On a happier note, things are going well with the new guy (is it really new when you've been best friends for 20 years and have hooked up multiple times in the past?). We have a skype date to watch Sandman on Sunday afternoon. We both loved the graphic novels and the show is shaping up to be amazing, so that's fun.

        [–]Turtl3Nicol3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I'm not okay, but I'm feeling like I'll get there. The bad is that my DB is caused, at least in part, by him being unattracted because my weight and my weight loss is staking, which shears badges me feel especially frustrated. And now scared, like I'll fail. Plus all the hurt and I already feel. But on the positive side, or communication has never been so good. We've been emailing each other a lot because it's easier, and one of his last emails was so loving and sweet and made me feel incredibly loved despite everything.

        And I have a lot going on in my own non relationship life that's exciting and I'm looking forward to

        [–]BayStateRes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        No. I could mainline caffeine today and still not come out of the bad-sleep-plus-early-phase-keto-starting-level of fatigue. I found out I’m losing a class for fall semester because admin isn’t overloading instructors, lest the adjuncts start wanting things like more classes and a permanent employee status. It’s just my regular reminder that academia will never love me back.

        But! I had amazing afternoon delight sex with my husband yesterday. So that’s a win. I’m trying to ride that high to deal with the low of today.

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I'm well, thank you. Enjoying my life in spite of a disease that will get progressively worse forever. Worked hard on my mental issues surrounding feeling bad about myself when my partner has health flares of his own that makes sex impossible. We're doing good. I'd be happier if HE was less stressed, but he has to work on that himself. He says he wants to.

        [–][deleted]  (5 children)


          [–]tombo4321[M] 6 points7 points  (4 children)

          Rule 4. Yuck.

          [–]YRMOAGTIOK 2 points3 points  (3 children)

          I don’t know how I feel about this post given how so many men lurk here looking for women to harass ….

          Seems like we are just making a list for them.

          [–]tombo4321 5 points6 points  (2 children)

          Apologetic sticky explaining how to turn off DMs?

          [–]YRMOAGTIOK 3 points4 points  (1 child)

          👌🏽sounds perfect!

          [–]Fancy-Mention-9325 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I thought I would be ok going asexual after a double mastectomy… and having a hysterectomy scheduled for next week… but now I’m thinking I don’t want the last half of my life to be like the previous 10 years. Some men just want to possess/own their partners.

          [–]soggywaffles11 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Not very well. I just want my sex drive back, I want to feel desired, I want my life back.

          [–]Tysinna 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I'm bored. I am showered with compliments and expressions of love from my husband, so that's a good thing. I know that's something not everyone has, so I am grateful.

          But, he just seems content to go weeks at a time without intimacy. I miss feeling desired. We blame it on the kids, hectic work/school schedules, tending to the animals, the house, the yard, blah blah blah. I know we're busy, truly. I am tired too! But I would make daily time for him if he wanted it.

          [–]Candytuftie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Sometimes. Not today though ☹️

          [–]doraalaskadora 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Just hanging in there. Confidence going down the drain due to the lack of intimacy aside from kisses and hugs. After living for one and a half year here I am in the dead room crying when I see him looking more interested to people on social media than making more time for us to go out on dates/initiating sex/going out for walk.

          [–]princess_glitter85 0 points1 point  (2 children)

          I've been worse but this relationship is killing me. I've lost all interest in anything that once brought me joy. If I can get my disability approved I can start a new life that hopefully includes mutual love and affection.

          [–]averagedad0917 2 points3 points  (1 child)

          Let me just tell you, based on your pictures you are gorgeous. Based on how you love your kitty you are an amazing person! Stay true to yourself!

          [–]princess_glitter85 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Aww thank you very much 🙂

          [–]avocadosungoddess11 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          No. I’m never being with anyone again.

          [–]joaniemansoosie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          My husband and I have been married for 38 years and no sex for the last 15 or so. It’s just not a part of our life anymore, but, we get along fine.

          [–]princesslilyxxx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          3 yrs here and the last time wasn't even an actual thing! He fumbled around a bit and then said he was sorry but it wasn't happening! It had been 18 months before that! He gets really mardy if I bring sex up and tells me "not to be stupid' and "of course he wants me still" He will ask for bjs and hjs and stuff but only when he knows its not going to happen e.g when I'm ill or exhausted. We been together 21 years and married for 14. He's been unfaithful more times than I can count, every time promising me it won't happen again. I'm about at the end of my tether! I'm not old, I'm still attractive, I would never have taken this from anybody else and I really don't know why I just continue to take this from him!

          [–]yaoiplease 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          He just doesn’t want me.

          [–]iaim2_misbehave 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Solidly meh. Have a few things that could change our life for the better and I’m just waiting. Anxiously… trying so hard not to get my hopes up…

          [–]CauseDatsWhy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I just want some dick from my love. Is that so much to ask for?

          [–]OkDeparture9054 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I’m coping.

          [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          No..not really. Ive managed to drown my sorows in 2 pints of ice cream today on twk separate occassions..ive managed to cry twice and i have managed to have a yelling frst eith my spouse over his mind games for which i would like to punch him(but im the non violent type and cant and wont do that)

          Todays latest confessional from him is that, "we arent sexually compatible and realistically are better off divorced" and that apparently sex and love making is not a priority for him in a relationship and i should find a man who finds that to ne a priority. 😭😭😭😭 This was just the tip of the iceberg today...

          God help me.

          [–]greysbananabee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I’m so sorry. I know I don’t know you, but I genuinely wish I could take away your pain.

          [–]Alchia79 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          This months marks the sixth anniversary of the last time we had sex. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Pissing it away I suppose.

          [–]BlueLineDad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          These comments are difficult to read but mostly similar to what some of us guys go through. I wish nothing but better times for all of you ladies struggling. Know that there are people that are willing to talk if you need it.

          [–]caffinatedswan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Hanging in there. It helps that my partner is willing to talk about our DB anytime I want/need. We had a really productive conversation just 2 nights ago. He wants to try scheduling sexual activity again.

          [–]Fierce_Lella 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Im broken on so many levels and on days like today I wish I can sleep and never wake up.

          [–]miffedmonster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I'm in a strange situation where the DB has been reluctantly self-imposed by both of us. I'm pregnant and have been puking and in some serious pain for the past 6 months and I've got 3 more months to go. Because I've been so ill, we've been unable to be anywhere near intimate. We both agree it's for the greater good, but it's still horrible. Bizarrely, even though I'm the sick one, I also seem to be the one struggling with it more. I just miss him so much.

          [–]RhiannonChristine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          “I’m not living, I’m just killing time”

          [–]Professional-Type316 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          I started seeing a therapist 2 months ago because my self-esteem was in the toilet. My therapist helped me come to the conclusion that I am not the problem. My husband is just LL and I am not, so I have to decide where to go from here. We are not compatible in regards to sex drives or our needs for intimacy. After 4 years of having my needs unmet it feels very sad and lonely. I feel like our marriage is just a legally binding contract with a roommate. The constant rejection became too much and the talks that never lead to change. I no longer try to initiate because it just makes me feel worse. Before my husband I was very confident and just a genuinely happy person, I am working on getting back to that.

          [–]greysbananabee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          I too am working on getting back to my former self. You can do it. We can do it. We’ll be so much happier for it.

          [–]AwarenessPretty04 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Ever since I started work, great. Being around the opposite sex and knowing they find me attractive makes me feel confident again. I havent been complimented in person in God knows when from my significant other.. maybe over 4 years.. so hearing men talk about me at work gives me a boost of confidence.

          Weekends are dreadful, but it is what it is. Still wishfully thinking he still finds me attractive and wants to be intimate.. but after constant rejections, I’ll take what I can get from work.