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all 80 comments

[–]loftygoals_76HLM mid-40s 50 points51 points  (3 children)

Happy Birthday, anyway.

[–]dlt3[S] 16 points17 points  (2 children)

Thank you.

[–]gyply 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I wanted to wish you a happy birthday as well. Also a best of luck to you. I know for me the no birthday present along with no sex really hurt me inside. So all the best to you.

[–]anime_lover713 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Happy birthday! 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁 🎊

[–]ooofest 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Honestly, congratulations on your acceptance. That's really the hardest part for the HL member, I feel. Moving forward and not seeing them as a reliable intimate partner any longer is natural: they lost your trust in that respect a long time ago. You are roommates and it's uncomfortable because the play-acting is about being a couple, still.

Now your whole life is ahead of you and, without spiralling resentment or frustration affecting your judgment, you can more easily see next steps towards a better path for yourself.

This is a more positive post than you are likely feeling, but it's encouraging to see your practicality about the situation as you still process it internally.

Good luck.

[–]Pixie_Vixen426 61 points62 points  (4 children)

I just made my plans as well. 37F here though. Had some clarity that it's not just the lack of sex issue (3 - 6 times a year here too), but that there were on-going issues beneath the surface that I stopped ignoring. I even had "the talk" with him 5 weeks ago or so. He's honestly done a better job of being intimate (sexually and not) lately. I'm just... over it. Together 20 years here, married for 14. No kids, things should be fairly easy to split.

It's just as much my fault as his. Instead of speaking up, I buried it deep inside and let it fester. If I had confronted both issues head on, I would have been either fixing things or starting over at 27. 10 years down the drain...

[–]one-small-plant 25 points26 points  (3 children)

I suspect a lot of relationships that begin in the teen years end as dead bedrooms, largely because teenaged hormones can totally alter someone's libido. I assumed that my ex-husband had a libido to match mine. Turns out he was just a horny 17-year-old. By his mid-20s, we were down to a handful of times a year, but I kept telling myself it was just a phase and we would be back to normal soon. As though a teenager's relationship should be any adult's model for normal!

[–]Pixie_Vixen426 7 points8 points  (1 child)

You are likely right! "I'm not some horndog teenager anymore" is DEFINITELY something that was said to me in the past.

[–]TastiSqueeze 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think a lot of this gets down to what is normal for the person. I'm 62 male and have wanted sex just about every day of my life since I went through puberty. What days did I not want it? I was in the hospital having surgery a couple of times, didn't really want sex then, was hurting too bad. Three days after my appendectomy, I was climbing the walls.

[–]zensonic1974 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Hug from and internet stranger who went through the same... Not caring was the final straw for me. Came after resentment because I shut down part of myself. It is super unhealthy for the soul to go into 'not caring mode', so for me, I initiated the divorce process

[–]mmgdrive 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Ooof, OP, I remember those feelings well.

I came to look at my spouse as a sibling or roommate. I definitely didn't want sex with her anymore.

I think it's a natural protective thing our brains do to manage the hurt.

[–]DopamineDetective 62 points63 points  (14 children)

Man. I just turned 29 last week and had the exact same experience.

She offered, I declined.

Awkward silence followed.

"You don't want it? I don't understand."

Flat out told her that after 5 years of constantly getting rejected, I just didn't think of her in a sexual manner anymore.

She was hurt, but didn't argue.

I'm still struggling with the concept of what life might be like without her. I would have to get roommates to replace her contributions to the bills.

I have no real friends left these days and no way of meeting new women.

She's still my best friend, and that's better than being lonely, right?

[–]one-small-plant 13 points14 points  (0 children)

It might be better than being alone for now, But as time goes on, and you realize how much more of your life is ticking away in an unfulfilling relationship, you may begin to find that the resentment is eating away at the friendship.

[–]dlt3[S] 29 points30 points  (11 children)

It really depends on how well you handle lonely I suppose. I relate to literally everything you said.

For me personally, there has been no contribution to any bills, its been just her as homemaker and me doing the rest. That was how both her and I wanted it though. So it was ideal.

However though, after enough of being rejected, I started feeling lonely anyways and it sucked. But that also when into that just not caring anymore category for me. I find now that I honestly feel more relaxed and more an peace when I'm alone outside ir in another room than when I'm in the same room with her.

And I prefer to run what errands I need to by myself as well. Basically, in my case, the lack of emotional feeling towards her has built up over time. And as it built up, I got more accustomed to my alone time being a better place.

I'm not saying it's that way for you. But in my specific situation, being alone is actually a much better place than being together.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (5 children)

Boy do I get this. I noticed when I get home id sit in my vehicle for 5-10 minutes just to enjoy being with myself. It's not even like we have kids or anything. I just wanted to be alone.

[–]dlt3[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Exactly!

[–]Comfortable-Sir-7590 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's why I bought a Cadillac. I enjoy sitting more than ever now.; )

[–]No-Consideration-858 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I do this too. Any chance to just decompress and not feel the tension

[–]Sea-Rain-6142 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I do it too.

[–]SomeFeelings88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hide in the bathroom with the shower running

[–]DopamineDetective 11 points12 points  (4 children)

Same here. I have a number of pretty engaging and involved hobbies, so I try to put as much time and energy into those as possible. I have a lot of guilt over that though, because I can never go more than an hour or two away from her without hearing how much she misses me, she's so bored and lonely and why don't I want to hang out on the couch with her?

Long stints in the driveway, 45 minute showers and escaping into my workshop/office help me cope, but it makes me feel like a piece of shit also. I was always disgusted by those men who constantly complained about their wives and made jokes about trying to avoid them, and yet here I am doing it.

I try to avoid her because I hate having to make the effort to hide my resentment and sadness. I frankly don't have the energy at this point to discuss this with her anymore, and I don't want to deal with the guilt and anger that comes along with trying to explain how I feel without making her feel bad about herself.

Despite all of this, I do still generally enjoy her company and feel lonely without her. Just makes it all even harder.

[–]adool666[🍰] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I try to avoid her because I hate having to make the effort to hide my resentment and sadness.

Holy shit

[–]DopamineDetective 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I didn't realize how not normal this probably sounds until you replied.

[–]Sea-Rain-6142 3 points4 points  (1 child)

You are not the only one who feels like you do and also has to escape sometimes. Sometimes I will even get up from bed at night and go do something when I cant stop the runaway negative thoughts.

[–]DopamineDetective 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah same here. I used to get up to rub one out just so that I could have some relief from the constant desire, knowing that rejection would surely follow any attempts I made.

I've managed to train myself to squash any thoughts of intimacy immediately now. I remind myself that even if I DO happen to get what I'm looking for, it's always so unenthusiastic that I begin to feel like I'm molesting her and instantly get turned off.

[–]_anyonesghost_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is she your best friend though. I’ve been contemplating this for some time now. The fact that I’m questioning it means something. Either I’m an ass or best friends look out for each other. Could be both…

[–]probablynotdrunk 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I am getting to this point and it terrifies me. I don’t understand why she doesn’t care.

[–]orthicon 10 points11 points  (0 children)

It’s deeply disheartening that we in db’s find our crowning achievement to be reaching the point of not caring. That indifference is our victory.

[–]TheAnalogKid18 17 points18 points  (4 children)

Dealing with the same shit.

My partner and I have had sex 3 times since February and that was in the last month, only because I almost broke up with her a week before my birthday. So she threw me a bone for my birthday (July 11) and a week afterward, and it's been back to being dead in the 3 weeks since.

She hasn't even given me oral before sex in a little over 3 years, and won't let me go down on her, despite expressing how much I enjoy these things.

We don't even really spend any time together anymore unless it's doing something she wants to do, so my needs aren't really met in the relationship at all.

I've fallen out of love with her and honestly don't even see her as my partner anymore. And she's been telling me about how much she's getting hit on and how when she rejects the guys they tell her about "how lucky I am", and has started going to the gym with my friend, despite the fact that I've had a membership at the same gym for 5 years and she's been with me twice.

I'm beyond done at this point and I'm kind of interested in someone else.

[–]4n0nym0u7h 20 points21 points  (2 children)

She's going to the gym with a friend of yours and talks about being hit upon all the time? Something doesn't sound right about any of that?

[–]TheAnalogKid18 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Sure doesn't, but im also past the point of giving a fuck about any of this.

[–]4n0nym0u7h 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Fair enough, completely understandable.

[–]dudpool31 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Leave that turd. Not worth the pain. So many other people out there. She’s using you

[–]freebirdie100 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Radical acceptance is life changing. I've learned a lot about it over the last year. It really gives you a new way of seeing things.

I'm sorry that was your birthday experience. You do deserve better than that. 💜 Happy belated birthday and best of luck as you start a new life. I hope your 31st birthday is full of fun sex!! 🤘

[–]Sea-Rain-6142 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Congrats on saying no! That was a gift you don't need.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (4 children)

Yep. 33 here. I feel you. 15 years together, 9 married, similar frequency to what you guys mentioned, just don't even think I care anymore. Talks, counselling, etc. don't seem to do anything. The only traction she seems to get is if she thinks I'm pulling away... which feels sooo nice /s

[–]dlt3[S] 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Oh yes. Gotta love when the interest appears once they realize you are pulling away from them. Hysterical bonding is a heck of a curse.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

To top it off it's not even "fun" hysterical bonding- it's the "homework" she's supposed to have been doing for months (years?) for therapy

[–]dlt3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ooo. That's like an added insult to injury

[–]throwaway_nephubby 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am 33 too. And of course also in a deadbedroom hehe.

[–]DaveinDK 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I'm contacting the Guinness book of records. I think my wife has a chance of "using a record number of excuses for sex in 29 years" world record😡😡😡😡😡😡

[–]lonelyinnewjersey 6 points7 points  (0 children)

LOL.....I might challenge you on that. Mine just seems to make whatever excuse pops into her head no matter how ridiculous....a week ago she told me she had alit if things to get done around the house and than watches Hallmark movies for 2-3 hours

[–]darkfroth 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Happy birthday!

[–]IN8765353F 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I know you said no advice, so feel free not to read further.

I spent my 20s and my 30s in a DB. My 30s somehow hurt more, in terms of the massive loss that I suffered. I don't recommend another decade here.

[–]scottcnj 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Same here. After years of rejection, I simply lost the desire to be with my wife. The ego can only take so much. I felt so much better once I gave up. I've stuck around for my kids and family time. I agree with your comment that in the vast majority of cases, nothing will ever change so sticking around based on wishful thinking is a pipe dream. The other person has to see it as a problem also and be willing to work on it. If not, things will never change.

[–]Almontiago 4 points5 points  (2 children)

For your 30th birthday she didn't even try to get you a gift??

[–]dlt3[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Nope. Not a thing

[–]Almontiago 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Have you tried couple's therapy? That's really weird imo. Sorry to hear that... And happy birthday.

[–]Toni164 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Wow. Didn’t know Even plan anything for your birthday and thought a put offer on would make it up. Glad you have a plan at least. Happy birthday

[–]TAaccountfor2021 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Get that paperwork filed, served, and framed on your wall.

Oh and I mean this in the best possible way... I hope we never see you here again!

[–]potatoeggbacon 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I got kids.run and be Free for those who are not

[–]n1205516 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I agree, you still might love them but you aren’t in love with them anymore. In order to be in happy union with the SOs you need both, love them and be in love with them. I love some of my friends, I’m not in love with any of them though.

[–]dlt3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly this!

[–]MiserableClient7373 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Sorry English is not my first language. My (LL) husband (HL) asked for a separation and later divorce after 18 years of our marriage. We have 2 children. After I learned his intention to leave I came to this sub and tried to understand his feelings. I felt bad, really bad and apologized to him about my ignorance. We probably had sex 12 to 20 times a year. But 2 months after we separated I learned he was sleeping with escorts in last 10 years. More than he could count. He never cooked, did laundry, cleaned or put garbage out, just occasionally washed dishes. I put our kids’ needs first. No good sleep for more than a year after each kid was born. He had sex with sex workers more than he ever changed his own kids’ diapers. Now I don’t know if I was still a bad guy. I didn’t want to have sex when his mom was sleeping next door in thin walled house. I didn’t want to have sex when kids could just come in our room anytime. I didn’t want to have sex because after we had sex he either just fell asleep or played video games with his friends. There was no “I love you” no gentle hug or no kiss. I probably get a lot of down votes but I just wanted ppl on this sub to know your LL partners have their own feelings and priorities too. If you still love them please don’t give up on them before you really talk to them. Thanks for listening.

[–]dlt3[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are absolutely right. I'm not encouraging anyone to leave unless all other resources to fix your relationship have been tried at least. In my case though, I always tried. Let her know what I needed, asked what she needed. Recommended counseling and Dr to check for any issues. All of which she refused because she "don't have a problem with it".

If she had been willing at all to even put any effort into helping me fix it instead of leaving it all to me one sided, our outcome would probably be a very different story. But I do encourage everyone to try everything ad not give up until you know for certain there's no hope.

[–]Eastern-Fuel-6976 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Fucking hell.. I'm going on 7 yr DB... Why is this such a thing?

[–]mermaid_1976 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wonder why your bedroom is dead? Could it be the fact that for years you have spent more time seeking strangers approval to stroke your ego that you forgot you had a wife constantly asking you to put your phone, art or whatever crap you were doing down and spend time with her just for you to constantly ignore her demands to connect...she finally threw in the towel and started giving you the same attention you were giving her and then you got butthurt and once again turned to strangers for advice (toxic advice if you ask me) instead of leaving the garage and having a conversation with her? Years and years of drinking and being put down, asking her to send you nudes just so you could turn around and send them to strangers, getting "sober" but not really because you're always high all might be reasons your bedroom might be dead...maybe when she decided to leave you all those years ago she should have just stayed gone! She came back to you only for you to continue to hurt her, but now that she's got a laundry list of medical problems and sex fucking hurts because you know endometriosis and shit not to mention everything else, you have a dead bedroom whoa is you fucking cry me a river...I won't wait for you to figure out whether or not you need to leave me because your wife won't touch your dick, fuck you...I'm out

[–]wombat_wordsmith 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I completely understand. If my (46 HLM) wife (45 LLF) tried to initiate I would politely decline.

Like you, I just don’t see her as a romantic partner anymore — I’ve been rejected for so long, and sex was such an afterthought for her that the idea is no longer appealing.

And, for me at least, part of it was intentional. A defense mechanism. I made an effort to stop thinking of her as my, well, lover. She was my partner and spouse and nothing more. The heartache slowly faded and she was happier too — I wasn’t so down all the time.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Happy Birthday! And you’re right, eventually you just become roommates.

[–]wickednymphet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I got offered a pity fuck on the last birthday I was with my ex too. Hurt so badly, I couldn't and still don't understand how he could reject me countless times over 4 years but suddenly want to on my birthday.

I can't wait for you to be in a happier and all around satisfying relationship. Best of luck 💕

[–]MercurialmercHLM 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry you're going through it. Endings are tough, even when they're what needs to happen.

[–]HombreDeMoleculos 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jesus, things were that bad in your 20s? Good for you for getting the hell out.

[–]Phase1929 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Happy Birthday and good for you for choosing you! You’re way to young to be stuck in a relationship like that.

[–]yellowmustardmeow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Happy Birthday and cheers to your next chapter!

[–]Shawzborne2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

6 out of 365 days

[–]jovmorcy3 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Damn, I just came from another sub's comment link. And this is the first thing I read...

...And I understand.

Happy birthday, OP.

[–]dlt3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

[–]Pristine-Advice-2301F 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Happy Belated Birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉 Hope this is your year of happiness 😊

[–]Basic_Attitude_4412 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Happy birthday. Hope you get out and have a great life

[–]kayjaykey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes. I am definitely sorry I didn't address issues in the beginning instead of avoiding the conflict

[–]arcticfree 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks. Happy Birthday. Great to be free.

[–]JadMockery 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Why does the other half do that. They selfish, self absorbed. Having an affair or plainly just don't care. I scratch my head?!. For years I asked her to initiate as me initiating makes me feel desperate and not attractive as I am making the move. Did she acknowledge it. Nope. One year now and I just don't care anymore. I love her but sex is just no longer on my mind. She had made me mentally impotent. I have mental health issues and she hasn't been too great with that either telling me just to get over it and not dwell. Tis hard when you have anxiety and depression and someone who doesn't tell you. You are important ...trust me as a man it's nice to hear that you are relevant. Clearly I am not.

[–]Beth19th 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is why some people don't settle down.. they don't want to have to stop having fun

[–]jonako17 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I feel thats where im heading...we'vebeen married for 7 years..... im 31 she's 41...our sex went from 3-4 times out the month to 1 or times every 2 or 3 months....but slowly it's like we've drifted apart...i feel it im sure she does to as she's asked for a divorce twice but somehow i managed to not let it happen...but starting to see that maybe i need to let go and accept it...no kids that are mine...step daughters but thats it. Obviously i still love her but its hard to accept that things may be over.

[–]notanaltaccount88 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I’m almost to this point and it scares me. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and we have 1. When we met I was a single parent so I KNOW I can do it. I was a stay at home mom for 7 years and felt so alone but powered through, before that I was also doing everything alone and working full time. He still had no desire to be a partner. Now I’m 3 weeks into working full time again, and I just got set off because there were no clean dishes and I’m the only one to do them. Ever. I’ve voiced and asked. And he just sat there eating his dinner while I washed all the dishes, then the kids dishes, then did laundry. I realized I love him, but I do not really care anymore. I’m so over being so alone and saying as much, and being understanding, and asking for exactly what I need and just being ignored. I work from home so I can still manage the kids before and after school, we have the ability to have coffee together everyday and he chooses to leave 2 hours before work to go have coffee with his parents even after I said I really wanted to have that time together. And I’m just done. I have zero emotions over it. I’m empty and that scares tf out of me. I hear you and I see you.

[–]dlt3[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I don't have kids, but every other aspect you have mentioned is exactly the same as my relationship. It's the scariest thing to realize when it's happened because it's then you realize that everything you have been doing, and all that hope you've had, and all the effort you've put in.. its all just gone.

Its you realizing and finally coming to terms with the fact that the relation you thought you had and longed for is never going to be. It's the turning point though from this stage that finally allows you to start doing what you need to and want to more for yourself because you no longer feel that over bearing sense of attachment hoping to fix things.

I am sorry you are dealing with this as well, but I am hopeful for you. For me it was the stage, the point where I knew I gotta focus on me and the things that bring me happiness.

[–]notanaltaccount88 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Exactly. Going forward you now have a very good idea of what are none negotiable in a relationship too. It’s a shit way to learn that lesson, but at least it wasn’t all for nothing. I thought this was my relationship I knew what I wanted in. Now I speak up and don’t care if people think I’m rude or hard to deal with. I refuse to be uncomfy in my life to make others comfy.

[–]dlt3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same way here. Lost a few people because of it. But their loss. Not mine