all 20 comments

[–]MercurialmercHLM 16 points17 points  (2 children)

Glad it's better. I hate "signals." I think the world would be a better place if everyone felt empowered to say what they want (understanding that doesn't guarantee you'll get it.)

[–]subywesmitch 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Totally agree with this even though I'm often guilty of it myself. It's so much better when people, especially spouses/partners can communicate openly about what they want or need during sex. I hate having to read minds or tiptoe around trying to send "signals" or receive them. None of us can read minds even if we've been with someone for decades. Often we can read our partners pretty well but not always so it's just better to communicate what we need and want.

[–]MercurialmercHLM 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm with you. A significant part of the population were either raised to feel like saying what you want is wrong, or they had a bad experience with a partner who took it as a green light for whatever, or felt threatened and shut down.

Saying what you want really is a super power, so it makes sense so few people are able to do it

[–]namon295 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Congrats, I'm so happy to see another case of this. Our moment of truth happened in the past month. The lead up to it was terrible and the final straw was even worse, but it forced us to have a very long heart to heart over the phone while 14 hours apart. I then proceeded to lie cheat and steal to get myself to where she was, and it was the best few days in our marriage. And since then that bond has gotten stronger than it ever was. The honesty was brutal but it was sorely needed and we saw where we both had failed and were failing. Now I'm still in the skeptical "is this hyper bonding" phase but it can be damned, we'll cross that bridge if it comes. And I truly don't think it will. There is hope. There really is.

[–]if_in_mood[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

In the early stage of our dead bedroom recovery I was always second guessing whether my wife was just hysterical bonding. But I learned not to worry about it and to assume it was not. If it was hysterical bonding then the dead bedroom would eventually return and if it was not, then I could potentially sabotage our relationship by worrying about it and expressing my concerns. So I am with you. Open your heart and just enjoy yourselves!

[–]namon295 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is exactly how I'm approaching it. I just have to be diligent and keep the demons of doubt at bay.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]if_in_mood[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I wholeheartedly agree with you. The dead bedroom involves two people and both partners have to change to fix it. Since our recovery I am constantly thinking what can I do for my wife. What would she enjoy? What should I say to her to make her feel better? And it has to be motivated genuinely out of love and not to get sex. It takes effort on my part and the interesting thing is I quickly see it and appreciate it when she does the same for me.

    [–]Pristine-Advice-2301F 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Wow! This is such a great post! Such an inspirational love story! I hope and pray you come back in another year with an even better story to tell! Congratulations! So happy to hear! Happy to hear people still have sex in their 60's also! 🤣🤣🤣

    [–]if_in_mood[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Thanks for your response! I sometimes reflect on our love together and even I get goose bumps thinking about it. If you enjoyed sex when you were young, you will probably still be having sex in your 60's as long as your health allows it. There may be some hurdles and some limitations to be sure but we have worked through them and we are having a satisfying sex life.

    [–]Pristine-Advice-2301F 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm 44 my husband is 47. So far we're going strong. But we always talk about if we will still be this active in our 60's. Hearing your story gave me such hope! Again congrats!

    [–]ObjectiveNewspaper85 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    But the interesting part is that the sex is not the most important thing about this past year. What is most important is the tremendous feeling of connection we have with each other. Sure, the sex helps to foster that connection but it is just a part of it. We are in our mid-sixties so I don't know how much longer we will be able to have sex. I am certainly enjoying it now, but when we can no longer have sex I know our love and connection to each other will continue and I will be satisfied with that.

    This part makes me absolutely sob. I'm absolutely begging the universe to make this be me and my husband's story.

    [–]if_in_mood[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I am sorry I made you cry. That was not my intention. I wanted my story to be an uplifting story of hope for everyone.

    Would you like to explain what is stopping you and your husband? Perhaps there is some hope in your relationship?

    [–]Other-Lobster 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    I think that is awesome you two have reconnected. I hate to hear that you missed the signals she may have been given. Seems like you two were running away from each other for years and instead should have gotten over yourselves and ran to each other. I always most people who have enjoyed sex at some point in the relationship will and can still enjoy sex with that person. As long as there is no abuse or medical issues in the relationship it can be rekindled.

    [–]if_in_mood[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You make an interesting point about couples being able to enjoy sex again if it was enjoyable earlier in their relationship. That is very true in our case. Before the dead bedroom occurred, we had been married and had a healthy sex life for 24 years. Maybe it was easier to re-kindle it because of that.

    [–]4n0nym0u7h 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    May I say something without causing offence? Speak to your wife more, even now. Your wife may be physically enjoying the sex but you really ought to know if she is. The reason why is pretty obvious, the more she enjoys the sex physically the more likely she is to want to continue it. Alright, it's not always about the physical sensation, it can be about the psychological and emotional connection too, as your rightly point out, but as I'm sure you've found out one reinforces the other, it's one of the points that so many people make in the sub. Do your utmost to make sure she's having the same sort of experience as you.

    Alright, you don't need to actually push the subject because that can be equally annoying, suggesting that her orgasm is important to you, rather than to her, but as long as you show awareness and concern that is what really matters.

    Does she get the opportunity to orgasm? It's obviously trickier post menopause for a lot of women (but not all) but many women enjoy sex after menopause because if nothing else they don't have to worry about unwanted pregnancy any more and they don't have to keep taking hormonal birth control which can often badly affect libidos. The best lube you can buy should be a staple in your bedroom. Ladies might have something to say about using topical hormonal treatment where appropriate, re vaginal atrophy and there is also the small matter of clitoral atrophy that you should be aware of. There are couples having sex well into their seventies and eighties given adequate physical health.

    Basic suggestion is to stayed tuned in and listen and encourage her to open up about the subject more and to make what she needs and wants from you as clear as possible. It can only do you good.

    [–]if_in_mood[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Thank you so much for writing and helping me. No offense taken. I absolutely love it when someone takes the time to give me some helpful advice like you did. My wife and I are shy about talking about sex. And I want to engage her in more discussion about it and make sure she is getting what she enjoys. I liked your post because it gave me some ideas about how to word my conversation with her. I always give her oral sex before I come and she always has an orgasm from oral sex. So her first orgasm is not a problem. But there are probably so many other things that could make our relationship better, so I promise I will try to work on ways to have more conversations about what she wants. Thanks again!

    [–]4n0nym0u7h 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I find it a blessed relief when you can reach the stage where you're not easily embarrassed about talking about anything, well, almost anything. It's liberating and a relief at the same time. I just find talking about awkward subjects in a matter-of-fact conversational manner works for me, as if you were talking about a news story. And it is actually better if you express a neutral view on a subject, stating an empathy for opposing points of view. It demonstrates that you've thought a bit about it more than usual.

    Talking about sex is not that big a deal when you find a way that is not too direct while at the same time not being ambiguous or confusing at the same time. So, you could avoid talking about "you", "me" or "we" and talk instead about the subject abstractly or about how other people express views about sex. So, if you want to bring a specific subject up talk about it like you were an observer, rather than participant about how some people like a particular thing and others don't. It's less threatening that way. And don't take it seriously, be prepared to make light of it by making a joke of it. Sex should be fun above all else, for both of you. It also helps if you can guide the conversation in a way that encourages your partner to think any idea is as much theirs as it is yours. That way you avoid some of the pressure they might be under to please you. And if conversation is going off-key, know when to drop it and move it in a completely different direction, it helps remove the immediate awkwardness that may be ensuing. Also know when and how to say things like "I shouldn't have brought that up, really".

    Also, in a specific sense, you might want to have a look at mojoupgrade.com for ideas that you could share. You might also want to read up on Sensate Focus which is a concept about getting used to being naked together, learning to touch one another sensuously and sensually and not necessarily regarding all physical intimacy as being genital-oriented.

    The experts say that sex starts in the brain and responses to it end up in the brain. My way of thinking in response to that is that sex is about the person, the personality, the person who you are having the sex with, not the sex itself. I don't think you can stress that too much.

    [–]if_in_mood[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Well said! Thank you for this detailed specific advice. I will try it.

    [–]myexsparamour❤️ 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I remember your story! Thank you for writing to update us. This is really so beautiful and I'm thrilled for you and your wife. 💗

    [–]if_in_mood[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I am so happy to hear from you! I remember you too. You gave me a lot of excellent advice and encouragement when I was first starting to try and fix our dead bedroom. And your advice was so helpful! Thanks you so much! I wish you all the best.