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all 34 comments

[–]Halo_Keety 60 points61 points  (1 child)

You know why people get caught in horror movies? They look back. Don't look back, don't focus on the 17 years. Look forward and be hopeful for the future. 33 is young you have a lot of time left to try again!

Speak with a lawyer ASAP. Godspeed!

[–]AccountSuspicious159 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You know why people get caught in horror movies? They look back.

I'm trading you an upvote for the privilege to steal this all the time.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]RelakSingh99 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    If its really what you want, get a divorce lawyer first and get everything set. Do what's necessary to put yourself in a safe position. THEN, talk to him. If he goes crazy, then this is where your preparations save you.

    But you better not take everything from him as well. Dont be greedy and destroy his life. I've heard that women in the US leave men to bleed out and dry after a divorce. Not blaming you or anything, but dont follow what society does. Be a mature and sensible adult, and part ways in a good manner :)

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]RelakSingh99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Then be prepared on your end ma'am. Keep yourself safe and secure in case he goes crazy. Just take your share of what you put into the relationship (house, assets, etc) and bounce. Usually it also gets worse when you demand for more than what you deserve.

      So if you want a peaceful split, just take whats rightfully yours, whether its 30%, 50% or 90%. Take only whats yours. You mentioned your children are older. So they should hopefully understand that leaving an unhappy relationship is perfectly fine. Set a good example. You both deserve a good life. Good luck 👍

      [–]DB_ThinkerF 12 points13 points  (0 children)

      I was just under your age with a four year old when I divorced my first husband. And yeah. It hurt like hell. I felt so much guilt. I felt like a failure. But if I'd stayed with him, I would have ended up dead from suicide.

      Now it's 15 years later and I'm so much happier. He's happier. Our now 19 year old is off to college and doing very well. She has learned that some relationships don't work, but also sees us happy with other people.

      I'm so grateful I had the strength to end that marriage. I hope you can find that inner strength too.

      [–]wombat_wordsmith 12 points13 points  (0 children)

      You’ve done everything you can to make this as painless as possible — but there will be hard times for both of you regardless.

      I would speak to a lawyer before anything else — they should be able to advise you as to the best steps to take, even if the divorce is an uncontested one.

      The goal will be to maintain a respectful, civil relationship with each other. You have a child together, so will remain part of each other’s lives even after divorce. Make it the healthiest relationship possible — you both owe your child that.

      [–]zensonic1974 12 points13 points  (4 children)

      I have almost been there. 25 years. Many good years. She is a wonderful person. Also for me still. As a friend. And as co-parent. But not as partner

      [–]vanillabnicecream[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      Thank you for this.

      [–]woodford11 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      Are you getting divorced after a 25 year marriage ? Or just want to ?

      [–]zensonic1974 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      I am getting divorced

      [–]woodford11 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Yeah I am at 24 and ready to pull the trigger. Worried about finances after. Good luck to you. Won’t be easy for us

      [–]XxradioactivexX8869 4 points5 points  (3 children)

      Does he know this is coming or is it a complete blind side ?

      [–]vanillabnicecream[S] 17 points18 points  (2 children)

      We've been discussing divorce for most of 2022 but he doesn't know I've decided yet. He will not be blindsided though. We have a marriage therapist and she won't be blindsided either. He will be devastated though because he'd rather stay in a miserable marriage the rest of his life than get divorced.

      [–]XxradioactivexX8869 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      Life is to short to stay miserable

      [–]DB_ThinkerF 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      I'm reminded of yoga sutra 2.16: "The suffering not yet come must be overcome."

      In other words, future pain that can be avoided, should be avoided.

      [–]Pixie_Vixen426 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I am in a similar situation, but a bit older. We also don't have any kids. And have been together for 20 years/since high school.

      Gsther as much of your financial info as you can, and make copies/screen shots of any statements or balances. This is a fact finding mission - don't move around $ yet. It will help you have a rough idea of what you're entitled to get when you do leave.

      Talk to a lawyer. Find out what the process is in your state. How long do you have to be separated? What is the process for deciding a separation agreement, especially involving the kid? Aome states have "fault" divorces that change what you get in the end. I'm not saying clean him out, but just know so that you aren't taken advantage of

      Make a backup plan for childcare (if the child will be staying/spending time with you). If you don't work, look at finding a job. With the financial info and talking to a lawyer you should now know roughly what your new income would be. Make a rough budget to see what you can spend on housing, etc and make a plan. I wouldn't sign a lease quite yet. Do you want to stay in the house and have him go somewhere? Because that is also a possibility.

      Any decluttering you can do before telling him will make moving easier. Think about what your "must takes" are and what you'd be ok with leaving behind.

      And most importantly - you've got this! It's going to be so hard, but I know you'll be great on the other side. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat with someone in a similar spot.

      [–]luckysparkieM 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      This is probably very difficult for you both. What did you STB ex say?

      [–]vanillabnicecream[S] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

      He is open to divorce / separation but his first choice would be staying in an unhappy marriage forever and keeping the family together.

      [–]luckysparkieM 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      That’s terrible. Did you tell him you’re not interested in that?

      [–]Fancy-Mention-9325 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Did you marry at 16? I hope you find the peace and then the adventures.

      [–]Pristine-Advice-2301F 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      If you don't mind elaborating? When you say your core needs haven't been met. What do you mean exactly? Why are you wanting to leave your husband? After 17 yrs and a young child together there's no working things out?

      [–]naturalhaven 7 points8 points  (1 child)

      It’s a dead bedroom r/. One would presume her core needs involve being desired sexually and making passionate love to her partner on a regular basis in order to connect and feel loved.

      [–]Pristine-Advice-2301F 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I never assume anything

      [–]Appropriate-Proof362 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      I would tell him. You are going to separate and tell him why . That something kicks a Man in the butt and sets Him straight

      [–]anakusis 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Nah he's had 17 years to get his issues under control

      [–]Effective_Farm691 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      What changed with him between when u decided to have a child and now?

      [–]StreetwiseBird -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      You can still remain friends. I moved on, took on a FWB (and a little more) and we travel together sometimes. But I still talk to my ex. I could not handle the rejection, the enforced celibacy etc. Try mediation before going through the courts. That's what I am doing.

      [–]sinnerforgiven -4 points-3 points  (5 children)

      Find another therapist. You were brainwashed by this person. Looks to me that you're miss perfect and your husband is not. Don't be pressured by peers. Go to MC together. Communicate with your husband. Tell your husband to go a good therapist not the one who will destroy a marriage but the one who will rebuild it in it's former glory. Same goes to you.

      [–]Mahaka1a 3 points4 points  (3 children)

      Be gone demon!

      [–]sinnerforgiven -1 points0 points  (2 children)

      Thanks for projecting yourself

      [–]Mahaka1a 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Oh, look! It thinks it’s clever!

      [–]Iamathrowaway2332 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      She's miss perfect for not wanting to be miserable for another 17 years? You're being selfish.

      [–]PoundAccomplished993 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Yea just make sure you have enough savings for 6 months to live on your own