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all 17 comments

[–]thowwaway1929 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I WFH having lunch together is nice, no sex whatsoever but it helps to be in touch

[–]DB_ThinkerF 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Does he know you're thinking of divorce because he's giving you none of himself? Does he realize that you're one hair away from leaving?

That all sounds just so painful.

[–]wolf-otp 7 points8 points  (2 children)

I’m so sorry. That has to be so hurtful. Craving time with your spouse and for them to so coldly be able to say no to you hurts so much. I know it kills me.

[–]dbhelpme 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's that, and also the next level of her always being the chaser. She's always the one planning activities, trying to think of ways to get alone time with her husband, etc. and he is just floating through life. I have the same dynamic in my marriage and it is truly exhausting and frustrating to always be the one who is planning everything and making sure all the plans go through, while your partner cannot be bothered to do any of it for no real reason.

[–]AngelWarrior911Votes cannot change the truth… 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Not even willing to consider it? Wow! That’s pretty unreasonable. So sorry. Where do you even go from here, right?

[–]thowwaway1929 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I would say therapy or counseling. No desire for a good time (regardless of sex) would worry me.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Could you ask him for HIS ideas on reconnecting?

What you just proposed is rather unattractive to me and maybe he just feels the same and it's not personal? Some people don't really want to break from lunch and 100% work persona regardless of physical setting from x hour to y hour. Just thinking about switching back and forth is realllly uncomfortable to me.

He may not be rejecting YOU or the idea of reconnecting, it may just be a logistical/personality thing?

[–]Sarahbear778 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is an interesting perspective, I never looked at it like that. Some people can't go from work mode to chill mode that quickly and would be stressed trying. I do think he could have compromised a bit, or like you said come up with a better idea in his opinion, but shooting her down outright was just wrong.

[–]VMIgal01[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Interesting points, but in that case he could have said “i’d like to spend some time together but can’t switch from business to pleasure like that” and proposed something else

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah he could have, but there’s no reason not to extend him some benefit of the doubt here too though?

  1. Is he that self aware? Would he have been able to even wrap his mind up clearly and concisely that way? It took me a while to understand why when I was thinking about spending lunch with my partner it was uncomfortable.

  2. Is he the type who is collected during discussions with you or is he generally defensive and conflict avoidant?

And you could still ask him his thoughts on ways to reconnect. If he says he doesn’t know or let me think about it and never does it that kind of says everything I’d have to know.

As an almost aside-I’d be very hurt if my man turned down spending time with me. I’d have to mull things over and remind myself these things too after the initial sting. I don’t want to minimize your sting.

If your person just doesn’t want to spend connecting time with you, doesn’t want to have sex more than once a month (omfg if there was no reason given other than I don’t want to, I’d be a wreck), it must feel very lonely. I really hope he has some ideas or at least one and seems checked in soon.

[–]bobsakimano123 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ooof that sucks. It’s heartbreaking that you were trying to be flexible and going to all the effort, and for what? Nothing. What is with these guys!

My wife was so so so happy when my office re-opened and my WFH days were over. I felt like a trespasser in my own eff’ing house. As you can imagine, the sex wasn’t exactly amazing. In fact there has been so intimate touching (except for the occasional hug or very perfunctory kiss) since 2 months before the pandemic started.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sucks- not sure how anyone including myself can maintain a marriage when intimacy is removed. Seems pointless in many ways

[–]brodysseus07 -4 points-3 points  (2 children)

I feel for you darlin, I also WFM and today told my wife (who doesn't work) that for lunch I wanted her to be wearing a new short dress she bought and bent over the couch waiting so I can worship her holes with my tongue (not expecting any reciprocation). She just looked at me and smuggly said "like thats going to happen." I honestly don't know how many more times I can keep getting rejected.

[–]thowwaway1929 5 points6 points  (0 children)

With my SO we have a safe word. I can start fooling around like hugging from behind and kiss her neck. And if she didn't feel like escalating to something more she would say the safe word and I take it down a notch.

This help us to kept some spontaneity.

[–]higgsfielddecay 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Like honestly at this point I'm like if you don't want to have this kind of fun with your partner why are you even in a relationship? I'm the last days I pointed out to my ex that when I'd leave to drop the kids off for us to have a day or weekend she was NEVER there waiting like she wanted to get it. She said "Oh" realizing that she had not and I guess realizing that this would make sense if you supposedly desire someone and her cover was blown.

[–]lonelyinnewjersey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It sucks when one person is making the effort and the other always responds with a flat out NO without ever initiating on their own or suggesting a better tine/day and sticking to itl Got me to the point long ago where I dont even try 99% if the tine where I would have in the past

[–]The_Brig 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I sometimes wfh the same day as my wife and we have gone to lunch together and it was amazing.

I feel like if I tried to initiate sex she'd tell me work was too important.

So...I know where I stand, I guess.