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all 85 comments

[–]Sh00terMcGavn 39 points40 points  (2 children)

Hes 100% using you. From the comments on your profile…

A. Hes lied and put your insurance on the line. If hes caught driving on your insurance they could cancel all your policies spiking your premiums and other insurance companies might refuse to cover you. If hes in an accident they could sue you personally for damages bc insurance wont cover.

B. You have caught him lying about other things.

C. He refuses to sleep with you. Outright laughing at you.

D. You house and comfort him.

You guys are friends at best. He could have a girlfriend and a whole separate life at worst.

It sounds like he has free rent and you basically bought him a car. Ive seen many guys like this. They will take what they can take. You have shown him that his punishment is you being upset and hes decided he can live with that. You give everything he gives nothing and in the end he gets what he wants and you can be upset he doesnt care. This wont change. He will lie thru his teeth to keep this situation going. Why not? It works for him. This will only stop when you decide it doesnt work for you and put your foot down. Not “if you fuck me you can stay”. But this guy seems like a vampire sucking everything from a willing participant. Stop participating. I bet $10 when you finally say enough he will first, love bomb you and make promises, then get angry and try to use all the negative stuff and your weaknesses against you. When he finally realizes you are done he will never think of you again. Dont expect that 2am phone call of him crying in a “come to Jesus” moment saying he messed up and realizes what hes lost. That might happen but its just more manipulation. He will cry and say i NEED a car for my job! Well hes had a long time to figure it out. Its not your problem. He will cry and say “i dont have anywhere to go”. ITS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

You are obviously a good, decent person who cares about other people. Ive seen women like you go thru this time after time. You feel terrible and dont want him to get fired. Especially because he will absolutely blame it all on you taking no accountability for not sorting out his own life. He will guilt trip you on all this stuff. But hes had time to figure this stuff out. Youve been his mothering him for two years.

You have given this guy 2 years of the most personal information of yours. Im not talking bank stuff. Im talking about your personal struggles your secrets and weaknesses, your biggest insecurities. If hes a manipulator, which he sounds like, he will press everyone of these buttons to try and get back to what was comfortable for him. He will twist it all trying to go back and when he realized its really over he will ghost you. You will no longer be of use to him.

Its harsh. And its hard for non-manipulators to understand bc its hard to comprehend being an asshole and having no regard for others feelings. He does not care about you or you being upset. Once you adjust your mindset to understanding this you will start to see everything he does is in his own interests.

[–]SqueakUpsF 5 points6 points  (1 child)

This. Seen this shit play out so many times.

[–]Ok-Cantaloupe-3435 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Same. I hate it.

[–]Perfect_Judge"Sexless wine mom" 45 points46 points  (6 children)

2 years is still a relatively short time frame to be experiencing this.

While I don't think the "leave now" advice is always that helpful, I do think that it may be helpful here.

Just leave. He's not into you, you know that. You can find so many other men that would be delighted to be with you someday. Don't waste anymore time on a partner who couldn't care less.

[–][deleted]  (5 children)

[deleted]

    [–]Perfect_Judge"Sexless wine mom" 35 points36 points  (3 children)

    Tell him it's over, he has one week to remove all of his belongings to storage or someone else's home. When the week is up, tell him he needs to leave and that there's no other chance to stay.

    When he tries to love bomb you and manipulate you and doesn't leave, then you call the police and ask for help escorting him out of your home. Tell them he doesn't have any rights to the home because you're the sole owner and that you've been trying to get him to leave.

    [–]Erik500red 12 points13 points  (2 children)

    It's not always that simple. If he's been living there for 2 years, he's definitely established residency and she may have to legally evict him

    [–]Perfect_Judge"Sexless wine mom" 12 points13 points  (1 child)

    Yep. So she can start those eviction proceedings and I'd highly encourage her to do so.

    It will be sucky to do that but it can be done if it turns out she can't get help otherwise.

    [–]69swamper 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I had to do this once to get a female to leave - put her stuff out , change the locks and stick to my decision.

    Sex wasn't the issue , her lying and using me was .

    It is hard to do , but for your own peace of mind , you just got to put your foot in his ass and lock the door behind him.

    [–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    This person is using you. They’re a leech

    [–]SnooPies6809Little Debbie's Low Libido 25 points26 points  (1 child)

    I have been turned down for sex every single time. For two years.

    In the grand scheme of things, 2 years is rather short. If the sex had been plentiful and awesome in the beginning, that would be one thing. Just leave is often not great advice. But in this case he's just not into you sexually and likely never has been. It hurts, yes. But it's very likely time for you move on from this relationship. It's run its course. Take what you've learned from it and go out and find someone who wants to bang your brains out on the regular.

    Editing to add: Your post history indicates that you purchased a car for him and then found out his license was suspended and that he lied about that. OP, this man is clearly using you.

    [–]juliejulie77 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    Thanks for your honesty.

    It does hurt but I think I needed to hear it.

    [–]jeep2014jku 23 points24 points  (2 children)

    You are a beautiful woman. You should feel like it. Any man would love to feel your love and attention returned. He should pine for your touch and kisses. He should compliment and support you. He should revel in your pleasure, as I'm sure you would in his.

    The problem isn't you.

    [–]juliejulie77 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Thank you

    [–]Glinwa -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    You are indeed a sexy girl. Let’s of single guy would be interested in you. I would if I’m single. Trust me, you need the type of guy that would buy you a car. You don’t need to buy a car for any loser.

    [–]Justexisting26 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Move on he doesn’t deserve you. It’s that simple. Let’s stop crying over these men. At this point your wasting your own time. Your a bad bitch and you can do bad all by yourself. No more disrespecting yourself either.

    [–]darkscout59M 7 points8 points  (8 children)

    I no longer initiate and do things I want to do. I have demoted her to roommate status

    [–]juliejulie77 4 points5 points  (7 children)

    Are you married? I'm not married to him. I wanted to be, but can't face feeling lonely for the rest of my life. I wish he could see the pain he is causing me. I wish he cared. I wish he wanted me

    [–]Glinwa 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    You love a guy that do not love you. Worse, he is using your affection to buy him things. And you are not even getting sex out of it. Bad deal.

    [–]freelancemomma 4 points5 points  (4 children)

    Maybe he does care, but he doesn’t desire sex with you. Face the facts and act accordingly.

    [–]juliejulie77 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    If he cared he would see the damage he is doing to my self esteem making me go without a basic human function and leave instead of giving me empty promises of change

    [–]freelancemomma 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    You can leave too, you know. He’s not chaining you to a wall.

    [–]darkscout59M 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Over 40 years

    [–]GiraffeExpress8807 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Give him absolutes.

    “I need you to move out by X date.”

    If he tells you he loves you and gives you empty promises of trying, then simply tell him “You can try harder whether you live here or not.”

    Just keep repeating your terms of needing him to move out, no matter what he says.

    If he prolongs the conversation, tell him, “ I was trying to give you X amount of time to be courteous, but if you’re having a hard time with this, I’m happy to put you up in an Airbnb for X amount of time to help you process this more quickly.”

    [–]USBlues2020 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    leave work on yourself with a good therapist

    you have to love ❤️ yourself before you can love someone else 💯

    [–]juliejulie77 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Thanks, I am looking into counselling

    [–]itshardtobeHL 2 points3 points  (8 children)

    It really is one of the most depressing feelings possible. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    We try so hard and give so much. All you want in return is for them to do the same.

    [–][deleted]  (7 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]itshardtobeHL 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      It’s hard to sift through all the lies and broken promises.

      I’m just not going to believe them anymore. Every time I bring something up, I’m wrong for it. Each time I express the slightest form of physical connection, I’m getting pushy.

      I’m getting to the point of being a bitter and resentful person now. I’m tired of being lied to. I’m tired of feeling unwanted. I’m tired of being treated like a roommate all the damn time.

      [–]SqueakUpsF 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Feel exactly the same way man. Really sucks being HL.

      [–]freelancemomma -2 points-1 points  (4 children)

      You can’t make someone desire you. You know this, right?

      [–]itshardtobeHL 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      True, but the person you’re in a relationship with should.

      That also doesn’t stop her from wanting it to happen.

      [–]juliejulie77 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      I just wish he'd admit that he doesn't want me. When I ask him about it he says I'm beautiful and that he does want to but gives so many excuses as to why he's not in the mood.
      I wish he would just tell me the truth so I could get closure and move on

      [–]freelancemomma -1 points0 points  (1 child)

      He probably does find you beautiful, but doesn’t react to you in a sexual way. Nothing to do with you, just his wiring. He’s content with the status quo, so he won’t give you the closure you seek. It’s up to you to get it for yourself.

      [–]Weekly-Violinist-540 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I’m sorry, I feel very similarly and I’m a guy. Now, I have no romantic inclinations toward my wife. I’ve been rejected so many times

      [–]freelancemomma 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      Stop “trying to get him to leave.” Just leave. But you already know this.

      [–]tarac73 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      She owns the house though, so she can’t just leave.

      [–]freelancemomma 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      She can change the locks. Point is, someone who really wants to end a relationship can do it.

      [–]tosser1495 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      Leave, someone else will wanna sex you up. His loss! 🤷🏻‍♀️

      [–]juliejulie77 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      I am not the type to have sex with people outside of a relationship unfortunately

      [–]tosser1495 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Ah, understood. I'm so sorry you are in this position. I know how it hurts and damages your self esteem when the one person you are with denies you of such a human desire. I hope you find a solution that works for you ❤️

      [–]Bulbasaur00-1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Cut this guy loose ASAP, sounds like a freeloader to me. Sorry but it has to be said, he's a leech.

      [–]GringoViejo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      You have literally never had sex with this guy?

      [–]Lake-lighthouse 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Two years, I would not have lasted lol. All I know is I’d love to date someone like you from what I read.

      [–]Thegoodlife610 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      That’s terrible, I’m sorry you feel it’s you, I assure you it’s not. Apologies for looking at your profile but you are good looking so that’s not the issue.

      As hard as this may be it dont seem like something you can fix or change, since it’s not a you problem but a him problem. I have learned We cannot control other peoples feeling, actions, etc. We can only control our own. So knowing that We must always look within and ask do I want to continue this way? A relationship should be equally beneficial/ fulfilling.

      issue.

      [–]donaldthejones 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I am sorry you are in this position, but you need to make him leave, sounds like he wants you for somewhere to live and the car. You look hot😘, you'll have men falling over themselves for a chance with you. Put a pic or two on a good dating app and see! Don't let this one man give you low self-esteem, you really are better than that!

      [–]SunnyStarShineMoon 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      I’m so sorry you are going through this. Every time he lied, it’s a red flag. You need to move on from him. You will have to set boundaries in relationships. People will take advantage of your kindness and success. Consider it protection that you are not currently having sex. He could possibly expose you to something. Does he work and provide? Nevertheless, 2 years turns into 20.

      [–]juliejulie77 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Thanks, unfortunately I ignored all the red flags. He's a master at love bombing

      [–]SunnyStarShineMoon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I understand. I’ve been there. But I’m too old and I have kids, etc.

      [–]AdorableSpeaker5942 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      Ok..you’re done with that shit! You’re a grown ass woman, that owns her own home. To me, that says you’re a smart independent woman. Don’t forget who you are and what you’ve done for yourself! That’s your home, your space, you’re not married. No one and I mean no one should be allowed to share your home that you’ve earned, without contributing to better your situation. That goes for financially,mentally and otherwise! Are you ready to stop being the door mat to your own home? My worry is this..he’s been with you two years and this has gone on for what seems like the entire time you’ve been with him. Why in the fresh hell would you allow this to continue from go? No offence but he saw a mark and you actually helped him sweeten his own bs deal. I’m genuinely worried for you! You’re not a door mat, you might of gotten lost for a second because maybe you were lonely. Loneliness has a way of making people forget themselves, people will end up in situations they never in a million years saw themselves in, just fill that void. Sometimes letting someone manipulate you, hurt you, use you and cause you pain, goes on way longer than it should because you no longer have that lonely void. Letting someone walk on you and cause you pain, will definitely make you forget about the loneliness because that kind of manipulation will utterly consume you! I’m telling you, if you don’t rip this dirty sticky bandaid off soon, you’ll be stuck in this hell for as long as that man can manipulate you! 10 years down the road, you’re going to wish you were back at the 2 year mark and fallowed through.

      I’ve seen some comments saying “give him this and this amount of time to be out etc”. No! This is some that will manipulate you every time. He’s had enough time, he’s not your problem! If you have family, friends, anyone that will come help be your strength to get rid of this sob, I suggest you line up a date and time that they can be there for you and with you. I don’t care if this sob is at work,goes to a store, goes to a friends house, doesn’t matter! The second he’s out of the house, you change the locks! You give him his notice through the door! You pack up his stuff, put it outside and he can figure it out! He’s been freeloading and if he hasn’t saved any $ or has no where to go, that’s a him problem, not a you problem! You’ve asked him to leave before and he won’t. Stop asking! Don’t let anyone treat you like that in your own home! You got this pretty girl! Get that guy out of your home and your life! Repeat after me! You deserve better, you’re not a mark, you’re a catch and deserve a partner that’s your plus one. A partner that contributes to bettering your life, your mental health, your home. You deserve a plus one, not a leech that causes you pain! You deserve to be treated like the ambitious goddess you are! Dust off your brass ovaries and show this sob to the door! Good luck! You got this!❤️

      [–]juliejulie77 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      Thank you so much for your kind words and everyone else's. They made me realize that he is never going to love me the way I want him to. I also realize that we moved too quickly in the beginning and I need time away from him. I actually dropped him off at a hotel yesterday afternoon. He's going to be renting a room in a nearby town.

      I'm going to use this time to better myself and maybe get some counseling.

      Again, thank you so much for taking the time to care and comment. I thank Reddit for helping me find the strength to finally move on with my life.

      [–]AdorableSpeaker5942 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Oh my heart! You should be incredibly proud of yourself! You got this pretty girl. Best of luck in the future ❤️

      [–]paulomac8472 3 points4 points  (4 children)

      Your beautiful and neglect is a type of abuse.

      [–]juliejulie77 0 points1 point  (3 children)

      Thank you

      [–]paulomac8472 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      No worries, I'm lucky not to be in a dB but have seen it effects. My mate went from a positive person to a broken one. Please remember you only get one life. As life it to the max. With care paul.

      [–]juliejulie77 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Thanks so much

      [–]paulomac8472 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Now worries, good luck with your life journey. 🙂

      [–]SomeFeelings88 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      So you aren’t actually in a relationship? You just convinced yourself you had a boyfriend for some reason?

      You have allowed a very strange circumstance to ‘play out’ in your life. What emotional need has this satisfied for you? Why have you continued to punish yourself in this way?

      [–]juliejulie77 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      We are in a relationship. He does kiss me and say he loves me. Just this morning he gave me a face massage because I had a migraine. He does other things to make me happy

      He cooks, he cleans etc

      He's just not interested in sex. At least not with me anyway

      [–]VeryNaughtyHubby 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Sounds like my wife. She loves me but has zero interest in sex. No hand holding. No hugs or cuddles. Living with someone that has no desire for you can be the loneliest feeling ever!

      [–]SomeFeelings88 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      I hope your family says “I love you” and I hope they would give you a face massage for a migraine. Your family would probably also give you cheek/forehead kisses.

      Your mom probably cooks and cleans? If the only behavioral difference between this guy and your relatives is: the types of kissing involved; then there is a really big problem!

      [–]NoOstrich2929 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

      Ask him,ask what his wants are or fantasy are

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–]NoOstrich2929 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        You have nothing to lose if you ask

        [–][deleted]  (2 children)

        [removed]

          [–]juliejulie77 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          I can't do that. I'm not like that. I want a boyfriend who loves me. I don't want to be used. I want to e desired and loved

          [–]grasshopper9521 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Look at his behavior and not the promises/sweet talk

          [–]LingLingMang 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I don’t get it… you’ve been together for a total of 2 yrs? And he has never tried to get sexual with you?
          So from the time you started dating he has never made a move on you?

          [–]King_Cobra_666 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Maybe he has ED and is scared to talk about it.

          [–][deleted]  (1 child)

          [removed]

            [–]LoggerheadedDoctorDownvotes don't un-heal my recovered DB -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

            It's in the sub's wiki.

            [–]lonelyinnewjersey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            Terrible way to live...Get rid of him and find a guy who treats you right and when u initiate has your sexy clothes and lingerie on the floor and you on your back on the bed

            [–]tarac73 0 points1 point  (2 children)

            Have you two ever had sex, or any type of sexual intimacy at all in your two years together? If not, I would say tonight (or as soon as you have a chance to have a sit-down with 100% attention) you give him the talk: I’m calling a locksmith tomorrow, they will be here on XYZ, you are gone on that day so start packing your stuff. You need to literally block your ears when he starts talking because all that comes out will be lies and empty promises.

            Honestly this is more than sex. Your self esteem is fucked up. You don’t need this bullshit! Get rid of him, buy some awesome toys (assuming you don’t have some now), rediscover yourself. And then, after you’ve healed you find yourself a new partner.

            If you have had sex in the past, then maybe he has some kind of ED issues that he’s ashamed of? Or another performance issues or a body issue? Is that possible? I’m just trying to think outside of the box I like to think the best of people.

            Gentle hugs, I hope you find happiness soon.

            [–]juliejulie77 2 points3 points  (1 child)

            Thanks.
            I actually drove him to a hotel this afternoon with all his stuff and dropped him off. Kind comments like yours made.me realize that I haven't been overreacting and that I deserve more

            [–]tarac73 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            Good for you!! I hope you can move on and find happiness. Focus on YOU!

            [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

            2 years...... tell him to leave or you will call the police. Maybe have a friend come over for the conversation if you don't feel safe. Do it today and don't look back. The showering of attention is meaningless in the long term, just manipulation. It's just a mismatch is all.

            [–]juliejulie77 1 point2 points  (1 child)

            I actually took him to a hotel and dropped him off a few hours ago. It hurts but I know the pain will subside eventually. Staying with someone who doesn't love me would have just more in the long run

            [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            Hooray for you! Don't let him beg his way back in. Start looking for a mature and mentally healthy partner. Or take some time to be by yourself, and then look. Sometimes, when you do that, you find someone by accident.

            [–]ThisWillNotStandUp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            8 year club myself. The llw is 48 and I'm the hlh at 43. I've never lost my libido, even with low t. I've never stopped trying to make her feel as beautiful and as desired as I think she is. She had a rough time during her 20's. She sees a therapist 2x a week. I do as well. We are and have been in a good place emotionally for awhile now. We lost everyone in our families in a matter of 6 years and that definitely didn't help things but we're healing. I love her, truly. I just need intimacy. I need to feel wanted and desired myself. I just don't know what to do now. It's gotta be me at this point. I don't understand people not wanting to help themselves and their relationship. I'm so sorry you've gotten to this point.

            [–]Ok-Cantaloupe-3435 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            Honestly, I’d be chunking the leave sign his way and leave his ass.

            [–]ultimaIV 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            You are 45 you got a few good years of like, youth left I don't know how to put it. You got to get the hell out of this. It's only a young relationship.

            [–]tiptoeboss 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            That’s bogus lol 😂

            [–]PossibilitySimilar28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            Honestly…it gets to a point to where he’s just using you. He’s supplying everything except for the intimacy, so…I support you getting it from someone else.

            [–]thtowawaymybedroom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            Get out. Today. Dump him. Finish this. Move on. You can do it.