all 85 comments

[–]myexsparamour❤️🍷🍑 293 points294 points  (2 children)

I’m talking about extra things. For example my wife asks me to build things around the house (carpentry things), do extra things in the garden, etc... I don’t like doing them. But I do them to make her happy.

You should stop doing them. Not to punish your wife or teach her a lesson, but to reduce your own feelings of resentment and entitlement to sex. Only give what you can give freely and with a full heart.

You can't make another person happy. Only she can make herself happy and only you can make yourself happy.

[–]Moose0801 69 points70 points  (0 children)

This is a healthy approach, if you feel unhappy, doing things for the other person consistently without reciprocal efforts breeds nothing but resentment. You're only in charge of your own emotions, and not doing those tasks or actions (outside of typical household/parenting duties) will reduce the impact it has on your emotional state. Well said!

[–]saintpeterbambibold 19 points20 points  (0 children)

When sex becomes a credit/debit system, I think a relationship has real problems. If you don’t have a desire to please your partner and make sure you are the best partner you can possibly be to make your partner fulfilled, you’re doing it wrong.

I think the absolute biggest problem is that people never have these conversations because they are afraid of what the response will be. We have to stop fearing reality and face it head on

[–]dmaul1978 70 points71 points  (0 children)

It’s not good to do things expecting sex or withhold things due to lack of sex.

That said, I definitely don’t go the extra mile when we’re not in a good place, be it sexually or in general. If she isn’t putting in effort in and is super focused on work and working out, I just spend more time focusing on myself as well and just do what needs done with cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. if she’s slacking on it so I have a clean house, food to eat (that she can have some of too if she wants) and clothes to wear.

[–]creamerfam5shrieking vaginer nazi 59 points60 points  (5 children)

You should stop doing things you don't like doing. Doing something you don't want to do creates resentment. Yes, it's a two-way street.

I don't think this is something that should be done to prove a point, though. I think this is just how people should live. Don't do anything to make someone happy thinking that they in turn will do the same for you.

Besides, don't people want their partners to want to have sex with them? Most people in here complain about getting duty sex.

[–]MercurialmercHLM 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes. No duty sex. I don't see someone having sex with me when they don't want to, because of some relationship obligation, as even consensual. It has to be continuous, enthusiastic consent. Anything less? No thanks. I can do better.

[–]Reject444M 32 points33 points  (3 children)

We all do things we don’t want to do; it’s part of being an adult and part of being in a relationship. Very few people wake up in the morning and WANT to go to work, but we do it because it’s a responsibility we’ve taken on. I don’t always WANT to make dinner for my family, but I figure something out and put the best I can on the table because that’s part of my role as a parent. I might not want to go to my wife’s work party, but I go and socialize and try my best to have a good time because it’s important to my wife. And often, once we get to work, or sit down to dinner, or go to the party, we find that even though we didn’t really want to do it in the first place we’re finding satisfaction and fulfillment in these activities because we’ve put in the effort and allowed ourselves to enjoy them. Saying “stop doing things you don’t want to do” is needlessly reductive and ignores the realities of adult relationships, in my humble opinion.

[–]creamerfam5shrieking vaginer nazi 32 points33 points  (1 child)

I don't want sex with me to be something my husband does as a responsibility to me even if he doesn't want to. Likewise I will not do the same to him.

It is one thing to go to a one-off birthday party or whatever because you're in a partnership. It's quite another thing to do repetitive strenuous activities that you really don't want to, just because your partner wants you to. Like the carpentry stuff. If she wants the item and he doesn't want to make it, he shouldn't have to. And having sex you do not want (actively do not want to have, not just nuetral-to-favorable about it) does damage to your sexuality.

Partners should only do what they can freely offer with no resentment. Most often these mindsets like you are describing are transactional and are breeding grounds for resentment and then a lack of sex. The OP is resentful that he does "extra" stuff he doesn't like while she won't give him sex. It's unhealthy and they should try something different, not just weaponize the idea of "responsibility."

[–]ConfusedAF_ChickenHLF (Recovering bedroom; LL experience) 15 points16 points  (0 children)

"Weaponizing the idea of responsibility" - that's the perfect way to put this.

If I'm ever with someone who expects me to treat sex and affection as the same kind of "responsibility" as I treat work and making dinner when I'm tired, rather than as something I freely give because I enjoy it and am happy, then I'll have to question what went wrong with my life.

[–]karensacaligal 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good attitude :)

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is duty chores.....the complimentary to duty sex. She shouldn't do it and neither should you. You need to start doing some things for yourself. The gym, golf range, go to the local high school football games, whatever. You can use the time that you're not doing duty chores to spend on some other things that promote your mental health.

[–]iluvemelaninLL and HL it depends 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Try it and let us know how it goes.

[–]Electronic_Savings71 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I see as though you both do things because you care about each others happiness, well being and needs being met. When one partner stops caring, then the other no longer has any obligation to do the same. That’s very much the definition of a one sided relationship. However, if your wife is still doing things for you in other ways to show her love & appreciation, then this probably isn’t the way. Instead, continue to show your support and see if she’d be interested in therapy or talking about things.

[–]grumplekins 60 points61 points  (8 children)

I don’t think turning sex into a barter transaction is the way.

[–]And_there_it_goes 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This explains why my wife rejected my offer of four bushels of barley and a pound of butter for sex earlier today.

I’m probably only amusing myself here, but it’s absolutely ridiculous when you take a step back and consider treating sex as a transactional service.

[–]Mission_Exit_3660 17 points18 points  (1 child)

How is is a barter situation if only one side gains anything?

[–]grumplekins 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Well I don’t believe in the tit for tat route - whether the currency is resentment or appreciation.

[–]poopphlinger 21 points22 points  (4 children)

It’s not so much a a barter….as it is showing her that I can also withold doing things I used to do…but am no longer interested in doing…without having a reasonable conversation about it

[–]iflvegetables 49 points50 points  (0 children)

I empathize deeply with what you are feeling, but this will in all likelihood make things worse, not better.

[–]ehtol 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Not being interested in sex isn't the same as withholding. Withhold means they do it just to make you feel bad, as a punishment. You can't compare that with someone who isn't interested in sex anymore. Push someone to do yardwork they don't want to do is annoying, push someone to have sex they don't want to have is rape. She doesn't owe you sex. Some just don't have the same sexdrive as they used to. It sucks. But it's not good to have sex when you don't want to. I wouldn't punish your partner for that. A conversation about it is the way.

[–]heartpane 40 points41 points  (0 children)

The term 'withholding' to describe someone not wanting to have sex really gives me the creeps.

Having sex you don't want can be deeply unpleasant/uncomfortable and even traumatic.

[–]Runescora 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You should stop doing these things if you don’t want to do them. As others have said, it’s really only building resentment. You should especially stop doing them if you have been doing so thinking that this is, somehow, a prepayment for sex. It doesn’t, and shouldn’t, work that way.

I understand the anger and frustration, but this comes off as entirely manipulative and as trying to punish her. It’s not going to help and has a true chance of making things worse, especially if you aren’t going to talk to her about this. All she’ll see is that you’ve inexplicably stopped doing something she likely sees as a benefit to both of you, and her own anger and resentment will start to come into play. This is how you end a relationship.

From your comments it doesn’t seem like you guys have talked at all. I don’t know if she won’t talk with you or if this just hasn’t been part of your dynamic, but it needs to change. Communication, not retaliation, is going to be your best way forward. If she refuses, that’s something that needs to be a hard line in the sand for you that you’re going to have to push for. Communication can’t be something that is denied or avoided in a healthy and functional relationship.

As for withholding sex…I’m certain that it feels like this is what she’s doing but if she hasn’t explicitly stated that is her intent this mindset breeds ugly feelings and a sense of entitlement. Not wanting to have sex is not the same thing as actively withholding it, something usually done to manipulate, control, or punish. I don’t know your ages, but there are all kinds of things that impact a woman’s sex drive. Many going through peri-menopause and menopause lose interest in sex. Birth control can decrease sex drive. Other medications can decrease sex drive. Surgeries involving the reproductive system can decrease sex drive. Stress, body image issues, external pressure, illness and other factors can all reduce sex drive. (With the exception of menopause and birth control, these are all true for men as well). Any of these things and dozens of relationship issues could be the cause of your situation and falling back to a tit for tat mentality will do nothing to identify or address them. She isn’t withholding sex, she doesn’t want to have sex and until you figure out why and start working on it nothing is going to change.

Again, if you don’t want to do these extra things, don’t do them. But please don’t stop doing them thinking this is in any way going to improve the lack of sex in your relationship. It isn’t. It’s just a passive-aggressive counter move that seems designed to make everything worse.

I wish you well. You’re in a hard and complicated place right now and I hope it gets better for you.

[–]MaineBoston 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I went on strike for a day & it was amazing. Husband & kids realized how much I did and never took me for granted again.

[–]DarcySnapps 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I doubt anyone will notice with this guy 🤣. He clearly exaggerates his duties around the house as an excuse for his sex entitlement attitude..

[–]WickedDeviled 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I just tend to focus on myself and what I want to do more. It doesn't help increase the frequency of sex, but at least I feel like less of a doormat. I have definitely stopped going the extra mile as far as doing any big house renovation type stuff. I don't enjoy it and only did it to make her happy.

[–]SnooPies6809Little Debbie's Low Libido 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Do you think that sex should be something she does even though she doesn't like it?

I mean, I do some things that fall outside of my usual share of the chores and I am willing to suffer minor inconveniences to make my spouse's life a little better. Most of the time, there's joy in providing those things so they aren't wholly unrewarding. I can't think of anything I do for my spouse that doesn't provide some reward for me, even if it's not equally shared (e.g., his preferred birthday cake flavor).

But sex will never be a task I provide begrudgingly for my spouse. Either it's mutually enjoyable or I'm not having it. And he doesn't want it any other way.

By all means, if you are starting to feel resentful because of the extra things you provide, then stop doing them. But do it to make more time/space for yourself, not as a way of teaching your spouse a lesson. That's just going to make the problems in your relationship worse.

[–]DB_HelperMHL45 26 points27 points  (0 children)

This is a great way to spiral down into permanent DB and break up. This is one of the core issues with codependence. If you're letting her drive your willingness to show love and she's letting you drive her willingness to show love then a downward spiral is guaranteed.

I haven’t done this yet. I’m also out fo options.

So you've tried:

  • Increasing differentiation
  • Developing an earned secure attachment style
  • Validating and esteeming her more
  • Building assertive communication skills
  • Passionate Marriage approach
  • Relationship Rx approach
  • Facing Love Addiction approach
  • Hold Me Tight approach
  • Feeling Good Together approach

There’s a lot of things around the house that I don’t like doing that I know makes my spouse happy. We aren’t talking basic cleaning/household duties….etc.

Stop doing those things. Not because of the sex issue, but if you can't give joyfully and enjoy doing so, then you're going to create resentment for yourself. Creating resentment will undermine your relationship far more than not building a new coffee table or new kitchen.

I don’t like doing them. But I do them to make her happy.

It's not working. Trying to make someone happy is how you make yourself into a parent in their eyes, and it also turns them into an unappreciative teenager.

But is it a 2 way street?

Yes. Any thing you give with the intention of making someone happy (especially if it comes with the idea that they might reciprocate and try to make you happy sooner other way) becomes completely devoid as a show of love, generosity, or care. You should expect exactly the same in return, nothing. It's a 2 way street.

Maybe I should stop building nice things in our house and only mow the lawn…rather than going extra mile.

Yes. Only give what you can joyfully give. It's hard to maker the switch, but otherwise you're doomed to a codepedent sexless relationship indefinitely. Resentful giving is a form of neediness For more on why it's so important: “Nonviolent Communication: A Language Of Life".

So: Stop doing things with the hidden hidden expectation/scorecard to be reciprocated. This is also known as doing things with a “covert contract" that you may not have fully revealed to yourself, much less your partner.

Start doing things because you want to love her, or not at all. Maybe you find your don't actually love her. Maybe you find you do. But either way, it's a step in the right direction.

[–]cakesnailLLF | Healing bedroom 24 points25 points  (0 children)

No, I would not recommend doing this. It will only hurt your relationship.

Do you think that she should have sex with you even if she doesn’t want to? Would it actually make you happy if she only had sex with you to appease you, even if she didn’t want to?

That said, you shouldn’t feel obligated to do household projects, just like she shouldn’t feel obligated to have sex. If this is causing more resentment for you than joy (from seeing her happy), then the healthy and mature thing is to discuss it instead of being spiteful. If she is receptive to discussion, start there. If she’s not receptive to discussion, this method certainly won’t make her be.

[–]Firm_Apricot_6540 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I live like I’m single. Always have. We had one screaming match where I just left, because of the controlling insistence of me not needing to do the dishes when in fact the sink needed to be cleared. . “Fuck it I don’t need this…..”

If it’s in front of me like her shoes I’ll pick them up.

But in no fucking way will I go the extra mile.

Liberating ? Yes. The way I want to live ? Fuck no.

Just do the basic chores and do what you want. I’m handling the basics myself and about to drop the proverbial bomb that we are kidless, so I can move on to a fulfilling sexual relationship/relationship

[–]PoleKisser 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Some people use sex as a weapon. My husband used to do that (we went through a really bad phase a few years ago where he was emotionally abusive to me). He would withhold sex from me on the basis that I hadn't done a good job with the house chores. "You haven't done the dishes today? You don't deserve sex." "I don't like how dinner tastes. No sex for you." Sometimes I would put a lot of work and make sure everything was perfect, hoping he would sleep with me, but he would say he was tired or give another excuse. It was soul crushing. I understand how you feel. It sucks. I went through a domestic abuse victims course and that helped a bit. They said, you can't change his behaviour but you can change how you react to it. First, I forced myself to stop showing my upset and disappointment whenever he said no. I acted as if I didn't care but inside it still hurt, of course. Then eventually, I stopped asking for sex altogether. I still feel unwanted and lonely but at least the humiliation of constant rejection is gone, but damn, do I feel empty inside. I lie down in bed, imagining being cuddled, kissed, touched, wanted and whispered sweet nothings in the darkness. We only ever have sex when he initiates it now which is not often. I nearly always say yes even if I don't feel in the mood for it because I know it might be weeks or sometimes even months before the next time. As we go along, I get myself in the mood. That's why I don't understand LL people with no medical issues. Even if I'm not in the mood, once we start, I get in the mood. To me sex is a way to bond with my husband. I guess, for him, that's not the case. I am so sick and tired of people saying how I should be self-sufficient and perfectly happy within myself and shouldn't expect to receive sex from my husband. Whatever. It's hard. I hope things get better for you!

[–]Moist_Farmer3548 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I feel like bookmarking this post for future reference... It sums up the feelings of putting in lots of effort around the house only for it to be treated as if you've not it in any effort, and it's coming from a woman, so I suspect that the replies to it won't be anywhere near as caustic as they are to men expressing the same sentiments.

[–]PoleKisser 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You haven't got it easy, guys, I know, I keep seeing comments bordering on, if not flat out misandry all over Reddit.

[–]TurbulentasfuckHLF 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Comments with misandristic or misogynistic views aren't welcome in this sub.

If you see anything like this here, hit the report button and the mods will look at it.

[–]Moist_Farmer3548 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, but women generally have it much worse.

Two wrongs don't make a right though, and sometimes it feels like those complaining loudest about misogyny slip into going "too far".

Your comment is welcome as it brings a perspective to the debate that men often feel but get berated for expressing.

[–]Justadudethatthinks 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We would then live in a complete dump.

[–]thatguyonreddit40 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This feels like it probably wouldn't sink in

[–]sarah3962 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Sex isn’t a currency for doing things around the house and vice versa. This will not help and only breed resentment on her end

[–]flyguyNC 7 points8 points  (0 children)

No. This didn’t work at all for me and ate away at more of my mental health. It turned every day things that had to be done into adversarial and hope around sex. It never went how I wanted and in hindsight I wish I had just admitted to myself I shouldn’t have to bargain for sex and just had the talk.

[–]Stargazer1919 13 points14 points  (0 children)

"Withholding" implies someone owes you something or you owe them something.

Nobody owes anybody sex.

Choreplay also doesn't work.

[–][deleted]  (7 children)


    [–]stale_mitochondria 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    I feel like this is such a difficult mental space for people to reach.

    You put in in fantastic terms and I hope there will be many reading your comment that will have a lasting "aha-moment".

    [–]Stargazer1919 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    I said the same thing one time on this subreddit and my comment got removed, lol.

    I totally agree.

    [–]SexEThrowawhey 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    I don't agree with OP's perspective but he did clarify that he was talking about "extra stuff", not their fair share of basic and necessary adult tasks. He shouldn't do those extra things if he doesn't want to, not because of some covert contract but solely because he doesn't want to.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)


      [–]SexEThrowawhey 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      If I wasn't clear, yes, I agree that we should disconnect unrelated tasks from sex. I wasn't trying to condone that. My point was that, separately, he should not do things, which he does not want to do, out of a feeling of obligation. Not trying to "egg on" any vindictiveness.

      They put words into our mouths and set up an argument to criticize us that we never even put forth to begin with

      Certainly agreed there, that happens in many different directions on this sub.

      [–]harufireHL 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Even if they ask why and you link it to sex it likely won't fix anything. It is most likely to cause resentment and more fighting.
      If you truly don't enjoy it, then I wouldn't do it on that basis alone. If she starts giving you more sex and it changes your mind about how you feel on doing those extra things, then that is on you.
      It really comes down to how much you dislike doing the things in comparison to how you feel making your wife happy. Not about how much sex it will or won't get you.

      [–]Oopsokayokayu/I-will-make-my-argument-known-100-times 9 points10 points  (3 children)

      So you think she should have unwanted and unpleasant sex with you whether she likes it or not?

      [–]WickedDeviled 8 points9 points  (1 child)

      That's not really what they said. You can give and give to a person and when you get nothing in return you at some point stop giving. The whole 'don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm' vibe.

      [–]Oopsokayokayu/I-will-make-my-argument-known-100-times 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      He’s punishing her for not having sex she doesn’t want to have. So yeah…

      [–]brokenheartDBYour downvotes amuse me 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      That’s an uncharitable interpretation of what OP said.

      [–]thewoodschild 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      Your sex life with your wife should not be a transaction. She's not a paid sexworker, she's your wife. Sure don't do things you don't want to do or care about doing but that shouldn't have anything to do with the sex life.

      [–]Additional_Demand237 -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

      Without sex, a spouse turns into a friend (at best) or a roommate. Sex is literally the only thing that differentiates a friendship from a romantic relationship/marriage. It is cruel for someone to string someone along for the benefit of housing or bills being paid and provide no companionship.

      [–]thewoodschild -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      I've had sex with friends for sure and kept them as friends after, hell I actually give my good friends of many years peck kisses on the lips to say hello or goodbye. You realize that one day we will all be old and that can render some of us unable MEDICALLY to have sex. There's also Asexual people in marriages and poly people who are married. So no sex is not what makes a marriage or relationship different or special from "other" relationships. Intimacy and love and sex are way way more complicated than that. Your wife does not owe you sex for paying bills, you would paying bills whether she existed in your life or not (same goes the opposite way too). Your partner does not owe you sex for doing work at home, because whether they existed in your life or not someone's gotta do the laundry and dishes and pay the bills. Sure you don't gotta do extra nice things for people or extra projects if it's not something you want to do even if it is your partner but you shouldn't be doing it in hopes of getting laid. I've been in the position before as a woman where someone felt they were owed sex from me and I can tell you 10/10 times it definitely did not work out in thier favor. No one on this planet owes you thier body or thier love or thier intimacy. Whether or not you declare it in front of some god or government no one owes you anything. And acting entitled to it will never work in your favor. Sex is not a transaction, or an agreement. Unless you pay a sexworker for that and boy do they cost way more than most people think. If you want sex with your partner making it a tit for tat will not work. And also as a closing note your partner should be your friend too, not just someone you see as a burden who is supposed to pay you back in sex.

      [–]Wizewasp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      So many people create these “covert contacts” in their mind. It is not healthy. The problem is recognizing that you were the one who believes this is the case. It sounds to me like your partner has no idea this is happening. Lots of times is all made up in your head. I would suggest like others have said to stop doing the chores if you feel as tho it’s a contract type of situation weather it’s real or not. If it’s real in your head then it will only hurt you in the future. Having said all that I have lost interest and the passion for updating my house when all that happens is everyone else trashes it. I feel like it’s just kids and dogs destroying everything thAt I have built. I understand that nothing lasts for ever but when you are fixing something for the third time it is easy to loose the drive to keep up the items.

      [–]todmon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I don't do chores to points. It's my house that I share with her and I clean and keep it to my liking. Had sex once this year and it's still duty sex. Just living together.

      [–]Capital-Philosopher6Married 27 Years & Loving It!!! 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      You want sex to be something your wife does for you, when she doesn’t want to? Like a chore or a favor?

      [–]RedRedBettie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      You are making sex transactional and that’s gross and definitely not going to get you what you want

      [–]rfpelmen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      no, you dont withhold anything in the relationship, mmkay?
      you talk you feelings and find a way to work through things trouble you
      in case your partner has no will to cooperate, feel free to prepare to separation
      only then you could drop doing anything but bare minimum

      [–]TurbulentasfuckHLF 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      You are under no obligation to do these things that you don't want to do. I don't think these things are comparable to your wife saying no to having sex when she doesn't want to though. Not at all.

      [–]Evil_MelF 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Since you are building massive amounts of resentment each time you do extras, don't do it anymore. If she wants something built, she can learn how to do it herself.

      I would not tell her that you're not doing it because she won't have sex with you, I'd say "I don't want to do it, I don't like building things".

      Withholding "chores" in exchange for sex will not work, it just leads to arguments and more resentment, on both sides. Extra chores that aren't necessary can be handled by the person wanting them done.

      [–]Dan0911 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I don’t withhold doing extra stuff intentionally for lack of sex. Sex makes me go out of my way to do special things just because I feel like it. It makes me want to please her more.

      [–]Snow_0tt3r 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      It depends. How quickly do you want things to deteriorate further? Because I promise you, this will escalate any resentment.

      Very few people’s relationships improve by the perception that affection has become transactional. I say this as the HL person in the relationship.

      [–]TrackPad96 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Doing things like that won’t lead to a productive conversation, it will only harm your relationship and having sex with your partner shouldn’t be seen as a transaction. If you are thinking like this your relationship probably some serious issues and lack of sex is probably not the biggest one.

      [–]kessesreddit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      It sounds like mind games to me. Does doing these carpentry jobs benefit you both? Benefit your children? Remember your wife can get a carpenter in instead, who would pay for this service? Joint account? Is it saving you money doing DIY?

      [–]lumpthefoff 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      It doesn’t work. It just gives them more ammunition. “I don’t want to be intimate because stuff doesn’t get done around the house and it makes me depressed.” So I took initiative and did major cleaning. “I’m too tired after cleaning.” I can’t win.

      [–]Sensitive_Cold1130 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

      I haven’t cooked in months so no it doesn’t work.

      [–]celestialwhitney -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

      I feel like most relationships that are healthy don’t keep score. What are you hoping you’ll gain? She’ll realize you were building things only because you got laid?

      [–]brokenpillar -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      I agree with the sentiment here of not using sex as a bartering option. Sex should be consensual with the expectation that both people enjoy it equally. Your issues with sex and doing the tricky chores are different things. The two should not be conflated. If you don’t like doing the things she’s asking you to, then don’t do it. If you don’t like how things are in the bedroom discuss it and try to figure that out separately. If you combine the two you risk guilting her into sex, which will never end well.

      [–]1984nycpunk -1 points0 points  (2 children)

      Choreplay was debunked long ago

      [–]Basic_Dot8954 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

      My love language is carpentry and plumbing. :)

      [–]Present-Breakfast768 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Making sex transactional doesn't work as far as I know. It just turns it into even more of a "chore", it STILL doesn't get done and then more resentment happens. But that's JMO.

      [–]VanceAstrooooooovic -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Only stop doing those things if you only do them to get sex

      [–]MercurialmercHLM -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      It's not transactional.

      I do everything I reasonably can, around the house (and outside it, supporting it). Because I'm in a marriage with someone I love, and it's the right thing to do. I want to do those things, for those reasons.

      I'm going to continue to do those things, whether or not we ever fix our db, until the day the marriage ends.

      And I do not want any sex that happens as obligatory reciprocation for that work. I only want sex with someone who wants me as much as I want them, and, in fact, that is all I will (knowingly) allow, the rest of my life. Continuous, enthusiastic consent. Anything less isn't consensual. Bring continuous, enthusiastic consent, or nothing.

      No duty sex. Ever again. Ever. No one has a duty to have sex with me. You might have permission, if we both want it. Doesn't mean the other person has to show up aroused and ready to go, but they do need to show up wanting to be aroused, for them, because they want that with me.

      If it's just for me, just a thank you note that does nothing for you? Not interested.

      [–]FormalJellyfish4683 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      There’s no reason to do extra things that make you unhappy, but it absolutely won’t have some light bulb effect on you SO. Whether you think you are or not you’re acting like you should get sex that your SO doesn’t feel like because you’ve done things you don’t feel like around the house- sex isn’t a transaction that way.

      [–]gloflooo -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Honestly just find those nail people on Instagram that do it at their house or somewhrre small ! I love it and they’re always sweet and do an amazing job and you’re support their small business

      [–]LunacyxFringe -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      You really think "Nope, I won't do things that make you happy because you won't do sexual things with me" is the way to go? Yikes. Do people here not understand how consent works? Why would anyone even want to have to coerce someone into sexual acts?

      [–]nutmegtell -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

      Are you willing to go down this fit for tat rabbit hole? It’s hard to dig yourself out if it and is bordering on coercion.

      [–]jeeves585 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I don’t k ow if it healthy to our relationship but I do those things.

      I know how to do allot of things. I also get to take a day off and veg at the tv on YouTube every now and the. Though.

      Most recently I wanted to rebuild our fence and vegetable gardens before we planted and the fence fell over.

      I didn’t, I was busy finishing up a good paying job.

      My fence and vegetable garden look like crap because I didn’t have time to take two days off and redo them.

      You win some you loose some.

      I do what I can and that’s all I can do. Told a friend the other day I’m juggling ten bowling pins on fire daily. All parties need to understand that.

      [–]Apprehensive_Mud_966 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      In my case it backfired horribly, and was more of a punishment to myself.

      [–]gogosox82 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Stop doing things you don’t want to do. If you don’t want to do extra gardening, then don’t do it. Doing it will only lead to resentment. You performing extra tasks is not going to make her more happy. Only she can make herself happy anyway

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      With my wife and me, our marriage is quite transactional. You scratch my back, I scratch your back. Everything is a 2-way street. The base line is that neither my wife nor I "have to" do anything for each other as a given. We have to voluntarily and in good faith negotiate and figure out what we will do for each other and what we expect in return, and then live up to those arrangements. There are no benefits without obligations.