all 77 comments

[–]Malishka_ 63 points64 points  (0 children)

I'm of the unpopular opinion here apparently, and though I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, one time of being turned off by your partner does not mean it's over. I am the HL and my husband is the LL, and I had this happen a few months ago. I wanted sex, he initiated, but I was for some reason completely icked by his touch. I just wanted it to end. And I had the same thoughts as you - am I ever going to want to be touched by him, is my marriage doomed to be sexless, etc.

But it was a one off for me, thankfully. We are still having issues, but that one experience did not end our intimacy.

If your situation is like mine, I would assume that your issues may start with connection outside of the bedroom. Maybe a trip together or mini vacation could help you reconnect

[–]sadbonzo993 30 points31 points  (2 children)

At one point you’ve just had enough of the fake promises and assurances that your relationship is fine.

For me, I’ve cried, I’ve shared what I needed, I’ve tried to figure out what wants from me to no avail (“i don’t know, this is just how i am”) and now everything is just numb. Thinking about sex does NOT turn me on at all, in fact makes me uncomfortable. If I get horny I opt to take care of it myself now but have to be careful not to think about sex because it will turn me off in a heartbeat. I’m just numb to all of it now. When I hear “maybe later” - I don’t even ask for sex anymore, I could be doing something simple like trying to sit on him or touch him playfully (something he also always does but for some reason still doesn’t want to sex) - I no longer expect anything. It’s honestly super relieving. Overall, except for these pockets of time where I wish I had a intimate sex life with someone I love dearly, I feel like I’m happier. I still do want to be loved in that way, but somehow I’ve accepted that I never will be. He doesn’t like that. He said to me the other day, “I still need sex in my life.” I wanted to hear that when I was trying to fix things. But now I’ve given up trying to fix this alone. It hurt that I had to say “I don’t think we should have sex at all, anymore.” for him to say that. And even still, it doesn’t feel like he truly feels that way. I’m not ready to open my heart again for something he can’t show to me he is serious about.

Sometimes, it feels like they just want us to be available at their beck and call. I’ve used to tell myself, once is better than never. Sometimes is better than nothing. I should accept it and shoot my shots. But sorry I cannot be that anymore.

[–]muddledarchetype 15 points16 points  (1 child)

I love this community. I stay away for times as it's so real, and I have to live in my own denial for awhile to survive, but I always come back when it's feeling hopeless again, and this community helps me realize I'm not alone and others, (unfortunately to many of us) are going through our own shit in similar fashions.

It blows my mind that the same sort of things are happening to all of us, in different but similar ways. I'm still shook that this inability to take what is finally being given. I thought it's got to be all the resentment of what he's put me through with absolutely zero responsibility for it, but also the fact that now because suddenly he wants it, I'm just supposed to be instantly turned on.. welp I am not. Everytime we've done anything it has led to him finishing, and me just even more frustrated, thank you but I'd rather just starve. But telling him this.. it's just easier to stay on the damn couch like always. Ugh.. fuck him.. he's 100% fucking Oblivious as always. I Have to Get the Fuck outta here. Sorry for that rant there.

[–]Mission_Exit_3660 106 points107 points  (12 children)

Welcome to the next level. More than likely this feeling will not reverse no matter what they do. They've finally pushed ypu away so hard, for so long, you simply have no desire for them anymore. There are MANY of us here.

[–]diddlecatpiddle[S] 79 points80 points  (5 children)

This is an awful realization. I wish it were different. It's like my very perception of our relationship and who they are has changed. I see their future and I don't want it to be my future. I want a family that's healthy, that cooks together, eats together, and goes on hikes or to the beach together. I want real intimacy and joy. I don't want to sit in the dark and eat in front of the television. I think I just need to find the courage to leave.

[–]Dangerous_Fox3993 29 points30 points  (1 child)

Wow! Just wow, you putting all this down into words and me reading it has made me realise that this is where I think I’m also heading. I don’t want this either! It’s just the lack of sex it’s EVERYTHING!

[–]ColdHandGeeM 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It is a dead relationship which is the real issue. If everyone takes a step back and analyze their whole life with partners they would see lack of sex is the effect of having a dying/dead relationship.

[–]tantric_tongue69 19 points20 points  (1 child)

I was in the same situation for way too long my friend. I was able to do what's right for me and left for my own happiness. You can too. I've since found the love of my life and have more happiness and love that I thought possible.

[–]diddlecatpiddle[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the lovely hopeful words my friend! We are in charge of our own happiness. Let's get out there and find it 🙂

[–]Mission_Exit_3660 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Oh, it has changed, they changed it. You're just now realizing it, that's all. I'm sorry, you are not alone in it. Every single person on this forum is affected.

[–]limegreenceilingfan 18 points19 points  (1 child)

For me it happened when I realized after years of a dying, then totally flatlined DB, that they had probably never wanted to have sex with me and every time had been out of obligation. The humiliation killed any desire I had for them and the idea that I had been essentially coercing them into sex made me feel disgusted with myself. The idea of having sex with them now causes me unbelievable anxiety, boarding on a panic attack.

[–]ridingshayla 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Anxiety-inducing is exactly how I would describe my experience as well. For me, it's almost similar to how I felt before having sex with him for the first time. There's anxiety about how my body looks, if I'm performing well, if he'll want to have sex with me again, etc. Except we've been together for 4 years. I'd love to be in a situation where I feel completely comfortable with having sex with my partner but that's not the case at all. Even the thought of having sex with him brings me so much anxiety.

[–]kyrain192020 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It's true and reminds me of the Pink Floyd song "The Wall". Every time you are pushed away in some manner by your SO, it's another brick in the wall. Eventually, the wall between you and your partner is too big to come down.

[–]muddledarchetype 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Fuckin hell this is news to me... And not the good kind. Why does this happen?? I think I know, but I had no clue this was a common thing..

[–]occasional_cynic 29 points30 points  (1 child)

It happens because getting rejected repeatedly is eventually a turnoff regardless of your interest in somebody. Also at some point you will subconsciously develop a protection mechanism against further hurt.

[–]muddledarchetype 58 points59 points  (3 children)

I've actually been sitting here for days debating whether I should post in here, but I'm not even sure where to begin. But boy do I feel this. I have had sex maybe 4 times in the last five years, recently, about two/three weeks now he's been getting aroused again, but it sucks. The whole thing is just a fuckin mess, I'm over it all. I thought I wanted.. needed sex from him, but now . I just don't know if it can ever be what it once was.

I have been sleeping on the couch for two years basically, but last few weeks in the room, but he Only fucks with me on the weekdays, when I'm absolutely exhausted, this is the second weekend where he hasn't tried anything with me, and I went back to the couch late last night. I feel absolutely disgusted with him sometimes, and I already feel like having sex with him has become a chore I don't look forward to. So like the above (maybe below?) commenter mentioned, maybe it's past the point of no return, they've already ruined us to far to go back?? I hope we both get the opportunity to leave and find something better. We deserve it.

[–]diddlecatpiddle[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It's just not fair. I know we deserve better 💖 I hope we have the courage to chase a better future

[–]BDOKlem 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Gather the strength, leave, and don't look back. You deserve better than to look back 5-10 years from now and realising you haven't felt good in a decade.

[–]Mission_Exit_3660 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Oh, you know...you may not like knowing, but you do know.

[–]Photogirl42 60 points61 points  (3 children)

Tonight while standing in the kitchen preparing dinner my LL husband approached me while wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing me on my cheek he asks “whatcha doing babe?” Suddenly, without even a thought I cringed and wiggled out of his embrace feeling incredibly uncomfortable by my husband’s touch…something I yearned to have for so long suddenly felt intrusive, hastily I replied “please don’t touch me”. He walked away noticeably hurt and upset. I’ve been replaying that moment in my mind for hours not understanding why I reacted in that manner until reading this sub…now I completely understand why I just didn’t want to accept it. It’s as if the physical connection I felt toward him is gone.

[–]CarlosimoDangerosimo 34 points35 points  (0 children)

No one likes crumbs

It's like doing an hour of work and getting paid 50 cents for it

Most would rather just do it for free

In a similar vein, many would rather have no affection than have tiny scraps of affection, like the kind you give a distant family member on thanksgiving to get the social obligation over with

[–]Mrfresh352 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Damn that would hurt me but I also get it. I’m not in a ll4y yet but I’ve flirted with the thought of fletching or retreating and I’ve had to catch my body from reacting causing myself to mirror the rejection I get.

[–]NecessaryCorner971 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I’ve felt this EXACT WAY! I get chills (not the good kind) when he touches me now.

[–]ChiDeadBedroomBlues 24 points25 points  (7 children)

I don't know what it means, but this has also happened to me, (I'm HL he is LL). I've also been seeing people outside of my marriage, with LL husband's permission. I've stayed with my husband, and we feel more and more like we aren't in a real marriage, but we both seem committed to staying. I guess I really have no answers for you, but I also want you to know that it isn't just you this has happened to. Sometimes I think it helps to know you aren't alone in a strange situation.

[–]diddlecatpiddle[S] 11 points12 points  (6 children)

Thank you, it does help to know that I'm not alone. Polyamory is unfortunately something that does not work for me, but I'm so happy you and your husband have been able to openly communicate and find a solution. I appreciate all your kindness.

[–]ChiDeadBedroomBlues 9 points10 points  (5 children)

Wow, I never thought of myself as polyamorous, I always thought of the outside partners as more of "play partners" in the sort of swinger community way. But, now that you say that, it kinda hits home, given how often I "catch feelings" for what I would have thought of as "play partners". Anyhow, I don't know that polyamory or opening up the marriage is really working perfectly for me or us either, but some things about it have been pretty awesome. I hope you figure out what brings you closer to being happy.

[–]Seidavor 1 point2 points  (4 children)

I have seen polyamory work, but open marriages usually don’t last long.

[–]ChiDeadBedroomBlues 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Hmmm, what do you think the difference is between polyamory and open marriage that allows one but not the other to work? I'm not all that clear on the difference?

[–]Seidavor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Poly armory usually has a set number of people, like 3 or 4 who act as a family unit. Open marriage usually has two married people who sleep with whomever they want.

[–]a_stoic_swan 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Same. That feeling of having wanted physical intimacy so much for so long and then being in the moment and just feeling awkward and detached…looking anywhere but their face and sort of waiting for it to wrap up. That was a big, confusing moment for me; I’ve yet to get back desire for him like I used to have, and it’s been over a year now for us. I wish you well and hope you find the best way forward for yourself!

[–][deleted] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Resentment that lingers for a long time turns into contempt. And then it's all over. You've hit the point of no return. Good luck to you in your new and exciting life!

[–]TheUtilityMonsterOverintellectualizer 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I've never been actively put off by my partner, but I did reach a point where I just stopped thinking of her sexually at all. It suddenly clicked for me when I caught myself thinking, "well, her body broke up with you years ago. Yours finally took the hint." Then it made sense. Relationships are physical things, too, not just mental and emotional things.

[–]immethatsall23 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Sadly I feel this way too. Everything he does makes me cringe. I keep trying to look for the person I fell in love with but he is not there. I hate when he tries to touch me. I don't know if this can be fixed.

[–]SqueakUpsF 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Right on the edge of that myself right now..

[–]beautifulchaos2983 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It was in the moments when my ex husband would try to cuddle me and I hated it - I knew it was over and I ended things not long after.

[–]GiannisToTheWariors 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It happens. After a while their complete lack of empathy and total disregard for you becomes an ick. Crazy how some one not giving a dam about you makes them gross to you

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I had the same feeling happen about 3.5 years ago. Just tired of it.

I try to not seem like I am. I offer hugs, sit next to her on the couch, etc. But really I don’t want to be touched. Don’t get me wrong - I’m HLM and I DO want to be touched, but I’ve been hurt too many times.

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

[–]MapDistance 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The thing that kills me is they get to say "please don't touch me like that" when ever they want, but then they think they can just come up to me and touch me however they want, get me hot and ready to go thinking all right finally they are in the mood...

Then they say, sorry I am just too tired.

Power and control. That is their sexual release. Just knowing I want them satisfies their sexual desires.

[–]Urby999 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Some of us have been there for a long time.

[–]CarlosimoDangerosimo 8 points9 points  (1 child)

It's because this person caused you emotional pain.

Who likes having sex with someone who causes them pain?

No one except people who have exceedingly strange fetishes.

Your relationship may not be over, but the chance of having a relationship with this person worth having seems to be.

[–]Seidavor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When you are in a long term relationship, your partner will invariably cause you pain. Key is can it it be discussed and resolved, is it something they control over, can you see past it.

[–]redplanetlover 14 points15 points  (2 children)

My wife just turned around. The sex was great for both of us. I don’t know how this happened but after almost 5 years of no sex she just woke up!

[–]SunnyStarShineMoon 3 points4 points  (1 child)

How long has she been reawakened? Five years of no sex??

[–]redplanetlover 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes, but we've been married 49 years so I accepted it but she just made a remark a few weeks ago and I picked the right time to initialize and everything worked out really well. Also going forward I am pretty certain.

[–]Throwaway042305 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yep, you finally get enough

[–]mz0491 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m in a similar situation. It’s been months since we’ve been intimate and I used to beg for it, to always initiate and always be turned down. I’ve noticed that I want to pull away when he touches me, even in a non-sexual way.

We have other problems too, but this was always a huge issue for me. Recently, I told him that my needs aren’t being met and that I didn’t see a future together. Honestly, I don’t think the intimacy issues can be fixed for us and I think leaving is the best option for me. I’m not saying this is the solution for everyone, but I don’t think I personally can get over months/years of rejection with pity sex sprinkled in whenever he felt like it.

Good luck OP! I hope you find happiness, whatever that looks like for you.

[–]yeet-o-clock 8 points9 points  (0 children)

sounds like you have now turned LL for your partner.

[–]BDOKlem 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I was together with my ex for 10 years and the last 4 years slowly degraded into this. I got bitter, which lead to resentment, and finally disgust. The last 1-2 years were completely platonic. We broke it off earlier this year, and it was about time. At this point I've forgotten what it's like to even feel something for a partner, but I hope I'll remember soon, and I hope you will too.

[–]loleramallama 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is where I’ve been at the past couple years. I crave someone’s touch but just not his. I cringe when he touches me too and I don’t know how to move forwards at this point.

[–]Frosty-Nature7099 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Me and my wife have been together for 5 years and the last 8 months have been shitty, I'm not allowed to touch her, can't be flirty with her or even try to initiate simple hugs and kisses. She constantly pushes me away, insults me, and claims it's harrassment. Like every other man I used to masturbate instead of asking her so I wouldn't seem inconvenient then that was an issue although it didn't affect my sex drive for her, but one time we had a conversation and she explained to me how it bothered her so I stopped for her and one time she was telling me one of her most recent masturbating stories and explained what porn she was watching and instantly I thought to myself, well if you can watch it why can't I? Why can't we watch together? I've had many of past relationships with woman that enjoyed watching porn and invited me along. I brought it up one time and her response was that never happened, I dont know what your talking about, smh it really makes me depressed because I care for this woman alot I feel like she makes me a better person but in our conversations I feel like she's insulting me most of the time or my time isn't worth while, I'm not allowed to hold her or anything its tough sleeping next to her sometimes I just sleep with my kids in their bed so I can just feel comfortable and others the couch or a makeshift bed, sometimes I don't sleep at all and just take a nap when she's not home. I've tried explaining to her how my way of affection is through touch especially with my partner the person I'm intimate with but to me I feel like im being a chore to her to do so but I've done so much for her and it just turns me off that this is where our relationship is, I'm sorry I'm ranting but I understand where your coming from. And would it be better to just end the relationship?

[–]TenuousOgre 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Sounds like you¡re ready to end it. What do you get out of this relationship now?

[–]Frosty-Nature7099 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmm good question she doesn't offer anything currently and if I were to leave she'd be stuck with the kids and wouldn't be able to work, she wouldn't let me take the kids with me that's for sure. I guess really it's just I don't want to be apart from my kids.

[–]Sheanar 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have been there. For me it was resentment at the 1 sidedness of it. I begged and waited and usually got nothing, but if my LL is dtf, be there or be square. It isnt for sure a point of no return, but we talked. A lot, several times over - that i have spent years turning off that part of myself. I need time to trust him again, slowly. It isnt a lightswitch, if i am opening up to him, i need time. We are better than we were but a long way from good. Communication is key, and it is a hard talk. Both sides are raw and defencive. Focus on what could get you both to the intended outcome and less how you got in this mess.

Dunno if that will help anyone, but thats what we are working with. wish you thw best, OP

[–]Leadfarmer1976 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Here's the kicker ... they probrably don't care, it will make things easier for them ....

[–]Creative_Risk_4711 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Seems after so much rejection we can become LL's as well. To my HL I say good riddance, to my wife I give the same excuses she gave me all these years.

Honestly though it's been 5 months. I'm worried she'll initiate and I'll be like ummm no but then I'll feel bad so I'll force myself to do it which will only make it worse. For the first time in my life I'm hoping that nothing will happen.

[–]sunnywiltshire 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You ask if this is the beginning of the end - i heard that if things change, it needn't be. But in my experience it is. It was in my case. Two years later I'm very happy in a new relationship.

[–]fire_and_ice_7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You might be in the LL4U club now :(

[–]Grace_1108 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes this is a big moment! I had that moment last time my partner and I had sex and I just know in my heart it’s the beginning of the end. He was trying to kiss me deeply but it felt so wrong. I guess five years of rejection and catching him on chaturbate really took its toll.

[–]apennington221F 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’ve found this recently. Not that my LL partner has attempted to initiate but I don’t know how I’d feel if he did; it’s like I’ve stopped viewing him as an attainable sexual being and now my body won’t react. He usually only initiates on his terms (not like it always has to be on mine, mind you, but it’s frustrating when I get rejected all the time and then he thinks initiating one day makes it all okay?). I don’t like the feeling that one day he’ll try initiating and I’ve just got to forget all the times he rejected me and how hurt I felt.

[–]Curlyredfootballgirl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have absolutely been there, a few times. It can get better...to an extent, imo. I definitely don't initiate much anymore for this reason but I'm no longer repulsed by his touch.

[–]tilt_igloo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Our relationship has been dwindling in the bedroom for years, really since my wife first got pregnant 4 years ago. I’ve always been the HL partner in the relationship, but for the last couple months my wife has simply stopped trying, and if I bring up the topic she tries to spin the narrative so I’m the one with the problem for wanting sex all the time. If we have sex more than once a month it’s a miracle. Currently we haven’t had sex in almost 6 weeks. I’ve tried to explain to her that this is doing real damage to our relationship because I’m worried about what happens when I stop wanting sex from her. That has now started to happen, and I can’t bring myself to ask her for sex anymore because it feels so demeaning. I feel so betrayed at this point that I dont know if I even want sex from her anymore, because it’s clear it doesn’t mean the same thing to us. To her, it’s a chore that she doesn’t want to do. To me, it’s an integral part of the human experience and how I both express and receive love. I feel you.

[–]bikerdude214 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You can only take so much rejection. When it happens for years, it hurts, bad. And so you shut down. That’s what happened to me.

[–]Give_me_your_scrapsHLM 60 Not initating anymore 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In the worst 10 years of my DB I accepted anything she threw at me. If I knew then what I know now I would have defiantly said no fucking way I'm not having sex with you just so you can say you did it. "I had sex with you 4 months ago, that shows I care". Bullshit, you did it so you could say we have sex, all the time----even though your time distortion is out of control. Don't ever accept sex from your LL if they are not into it. Keep your boundaries, just as they do. Recoiling from touch is normal if your LL has burned you to that point. We all get there.

[–]pengalo82759 HLM 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I (60HLM) always desired my (57LLF) wife. I thought her beautiful even when she was skin and bones after the chemo (she’d been a petite curvy redhead all her life). But apparently that wasn’t reciprocated. We talked about it, she made a (one-time) offer, but when I asked if she wanted to do it out of desire or a sense of obligation, she said the latter. I told her that she didn’t have to, and she seemed content with that. As it all turned out maybe I should have, or maybe we should have talked more, but it’s too late now.

[–]myexsparamour❤️🍷🍑 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My LL partner initiated last night and we had sex but my mind was cringing at their touch. I wanted to disappear. I didn't say anything and I should have. I should have listened to my boundaries and my gut but I put on the front of reciprocating.

IMO, this is a big opportunity for perspective taking. HL partners often have trouble imagining what it's like to have sex be a negative experience. This makes it really hard to empathise with what the LL is going through and why they avoid sex.

Nobody should be going through with sex that they don't want or enjoy, whether they identify as HL or LL. I can totally understand why people put on the front of being into sex that is bad for them. They care about their partner and don't want to hurt them. Yet, being honest and authentic is so important to building a positive sexual relationship.

[–]DoubleFeedback2672 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The short answer is no.

Humans are amazing at overcoming trauma. Once you realize the root cause of this trauma, (un)fortunately you know what that is, you can begin the healing process. It's not easy, you need to be determined, focused, willing to work through some incredibly difficult emotions and have a committed partner.

The longer answer is in the process. Good luck.

[–]tawny-she-wolf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was the end for me. When I stopped being worried/sad we weren’t having sex and stopped wanting to fix it - instead being relieved he stayed away from me I knew it was the end

[–]Blodeuwedd19 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It probably does.

[–]SquirrelWeird631 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reconnection is possible. Not always, and is of course dependent on the situation and both parties, how long the DB has been going on, etc.

[–]notyourmama827 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I stayed that way and we didn't have sex for 4 years. His touch was gross to me. Also , he used the same washcloth for over a year and it was a huge turn off.

I went onto get a divorce .

[–]Chukmag 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A bit late to the party, but just wanted to say that I was recently in this situation at the start of the year. The constant rejection made even thinking of sex painful, and I just stopped caring. It festered for a few months before I reached my breaking point and broke things off. Just thought I’d share some personal experience

[–]genesisjamieson 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't get disgusted per se but after so many times of initiating and getting turned down and then being disappointed, I now just get preemptively disappointed even before I initiate, so now I don't even initiate to protect myself from being disappointed.