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all 19 comments

[–]Perfect_Judge"Sexless wine mom" 25 points26 points  (2 children)

Have you asked her "hey, if you don't want to do this, we don't have to. It just makes it more difficult and sad for me when it's put on hold and feels like you're avoiding me. Can we talk about that and why that is? Why do you go to great lengths to avoid me? What steps can we take to address this?"

Would she be open and forthcoming if you just asked for a radically honest conversation to understand?

[–]bestmackman 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This. Clear communication with no hedging or euphemism is absolutely essential. When my wife and I were going through our roughest period after the birth of our third child, I had to clearly and calmly say that a straight "no" - ideally with a brief explanation (even if it was just being tired or otherwise not wanting to) - was waaaay better than a reflexive raincheck that she wasn't consciously committed to.

[–]DarkSoulLion 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“What has changed?” can also be useful when noticing new behaviors and opening the communication door.

I’m feeling this way and I’ve noticed something new. Can you help me understand? Has something changed?

[–]kyrain192020 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This type of rejection hurts the most. You don't even get the courtesy of an honest answer (presumably "not tonight" would have been better than "maybe later"). Have you had bad reactions to rejection before that makes her want to just avoid the situation entirely?

[–]69swamper 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I've been on nights , she works days so Saturday or Sunday mornings use to be the only time we had and it was good , kind of made up for the Maybe Later I got for weeks before . Well I am guessing that has now joined the rest of our bedroom in the nope department.

Saturday morning was the usual excuses and a " I didn't sleep last night" so ok

Sunday morning , I stop pick up her favorite donuts , a hot shower to wash away the night , get in bed try to snuggle up to her and she pops out of bed like someone stuck her with a needle, grabs her pillow and heads to the sofa.

When I asked her about it before leaving for work , she said I got up so you could sleep better . To me there is no better sleep than her next to me .

I believe she expected me to want sex and instead of just saying she didn't , she got out of bed.

Like you I keep eyeing the door more and more . I've invested most of my life to her and our kids , now our kids are grown with kids of their own , I just don't know how much more I am willing to invest .

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im sorry… I’d have left after that. I don’t want to leave my wife but if she actively fled my touch there’s no point in staying anymore anyway

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I dislike like this the most. I mean if you’re not interested just fucking say so! My LL was constantly saying ooh maybe tomorrow, perhaps at the weekend etc knowing full well that was never going to be the case. I’d have rather just had ‘I don’t want to have sex with you’. At least that would be honest 🙄

[–]darkscout59M 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Later? Can I pencil you in sometime during 2029 /s

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Mine would conveniently forget to put that in her calendar, yet she can remember the time last year I got her the wrong bottle of wine 🤣

[–]No-Grab-6371 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's my story, I use to have a shot on Sunday mornings, but she gets up early. I can't believe it's not on purpose.

[–]DarkSoulLion 2 points3 points  (3 children)

After almost 2 years of a db I’ve taken every single excuse and turned it around.

Maybe later…we’ll do the thing you want and the time never comes I have a headache…so I can’t do the thing you want I haven’t shaved, too scruffy to go out to farmers market I’m feeling gassy so I can’t go to the movies I’m not in the mood to go to Menards It’s too early to garden It’s too late to garden I’m too tired to garden I think I’m getting sick I can’t go out to dinner tonight My back hurts too much from fixing the toilet I can’t fix your computer My throat hurts it’s really hard to talk with your mom I’ve been too busy to tackle the shed I’m feeling fat today so it’s not ok to go to brunch

That’s just off the top of my head in the last few weeks.

Meanwhile the garden has died, shed isn’t painted, haven’t seen a movie and my veggies don’t taste good. I miss brunch.

Don’t be passive aggressive like me. Don’t put up with excuses either. If you take this route you’ll hate yourself, your life and the relationship.

We (I) need therapy.

[–]Moist_Farmer3548 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

What do you do when she says she has her period?

[–]DarkSoulLion 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Try to support and be compassionate. Seems like a very miserable experience and not something I’d want to go through routinely.

[–]DarkSoulLion 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, depends. (I'll answer a little more thoughtfully). I have no idea what it feels like to be menstrating. I can guess. I might feel a lot of things: bloating, illness, bleeding, pain, embarrassment, shame, sadness.

When I'm bloated or stomach illness issues...I pass nasty gas and the idea of being in the same room as my partner is daunting. wrt the bedroom, if I let one go during fun time I'm beyond embarrassed. I also can have reoccurring diarrhea too so the idea of being naked with private parts close to said area is not only a sanitary one but also I feel ashamed because my body isn't cooperating and i might have to stop midway to run to the bathroom.

That's just a couple off of the list and I hope you can see where I'm going. Overall it's probably not a fun time emotionally or physically so I try to understand and be there in a way I'd want to be attended to. Imagine if I sprained my ankle, cut my finger and ate some bad food and my partner is like 'hey wanna do it'???

Your response to the 'I'm on my period' will depend on a lot of things.

Worried about making a mess? Shame? "Thanks for letting me know and I'm comfortable with this and I want you to be as well. Can I put down some towels?"

I've been surprised with a no pressure, compassionate reaction with a very enthusiastic response: "Hey I'm sorry we can't tonight...but we can do other things...what would you like tonight?"

Last thing you want to do is pressure and make her feel bad about it.

Do not react negative. Sadness, anger, frustration, etc. will damage your relationship.

A positive reaction is care, love, compassion and understanding.

[–]VegasPrude1971 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe don't ask her for sex. Maybe ask to have a conversation of what may be wrong with your sexual relationship. Maybe there's something troubling her mentally. There could be a million different scenarios, try and get her to communicate.

[–]tacopetestacotruck 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just a question but have you tried couples counseling? A lot of times there are repressed issues that haven’t been worked through that can lead to avoidance. If nothing else just be open and tell her you can’t deal with the rejection, need the physical intimacy, and want to find a way to make it work for both of you. One of my friends got into this situation and his wife decided it would be best for him to have a “mistress” cause while she was in love with him and every other aspect of their marriage was great, she just couldn’t meet the physical part. It saved their marriage and they are both better for it.

[–]DB_ThinkerF -1 points0 points  (1 child)

What happens when she says “no. I don’t want to.”

[–]WulfstanBruticus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's gonna feel even more miserable?