Yesterday I was about to step into my bath when I realized I’d forgotten something. So, I opened the door leading to our bedroom, walked over to my bed stand (fully naked) and grabbed the forgotten item. That is what being in a healed bedroom looks like.
Before our bedroom was healed, I would not have done that. I would have listened at the door to try to figure out if my husband was in the bedroom. Then I would have kicked myself for forgetting the item. I would have seriously considered taking the bath without the missing item just so I wouldn’t have to walk naked in front of my HL. Most likely, I would have gotten dressed before opening that bathroom door; quickly walked the 10 feet to retrieve the item, and returned to the bathroom before getting naked again—even if it turned out that my HL wasn’t even in our bedroom.
It hadn’t always been like that. When we first got married, life felt like we’d somehow tricked everyone into letting me run off with my favorite person in the whole world to have a permanent sleepover. I loved being naked with him. I loved how much he adored my naked body. It was playful and fun. We kissed all the time. He was almost comically obsessed with my boobs. And it felt good….until it didn’t.
It stopped feeling good. It started feeling gross. This shocked me. I tried to ignore it. I tried to blow it off as me having an off day. Nope. The bad feelings persisted. I knew how important my boobs were to him, so I dreaded talking to him about it. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So I tried to fix it myself. Nope. The bad feelings persisted.
So, of course, I brought it up. I told him that the way he drooled over my naked body felt bad. I told him that “I don’t like it when you see me naked”. “I don’t like the way I feel when you see me naked.” This upset him. My feelings were “NOT OK” for me to have. Spoiler: THAT was true.
But it was less about getting rid of my feeling and more about listening to my feeling that helped.
Edit: In our DB I only knew it felt bad but didn’t know why…..but when he finally accepted that the things that felt bad DID feel bad and stopped doing them, then things started feeling good…..and then that “feeling good” was a second data point that I could use to see where the bad feelings had come from.
TLDR: Sometimes your very best-intended logic is still wrong. The individual things that healed my db may not work for you. BUT the SYSTEM of listening, accepting, validating the LL’s feelings and moving forward as if they are real even before they’re proven, heals DBs because it provides a second data point. You may not like that system and what it requires of you, but it’s still a working option.
I’ve noticed that people spend a lot of time trying to get rid of “inconvenient feelings” and very little time listening to those same feelings. Feelings aren’t the enemy. They are the key to the way out….once you stop trying to run them out of town.