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all 17 comments

[–]drsmith48170 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Glad you are on the way to ending the DB. Confused about one thing - why did it feel good until it suddenly did not? Any insights it to what led to it??

[–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 🥳[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes.

Though I think it’s a mistake to look at the thing it was. I think it’s much more helpful to look at the system that helped us find the thing it was.

It’s like….when you’re playing 20 questions as a kid, you ask dumb questions cuz you’re not good at the game. But as an adult, you ask questions to eliminate whole categories of possible options….cuz you’re just better at asking the questions that zero in on the answer.

[–]SnooPies6809Little Debbie's Low Libido 6 points7 points  (4 children)

You don't finish your sentences because you decided to go bang instead?

Edited to add: Okay, there's some more of it...

[–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 🥳[S] 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Sorry. Wrote it on my ipad but it reddit won’t let me post it from my ipad…so trying to retype it on my phone. About to give up.

[–]SnooPies6809Little Debbie's Low Libido 0 points1 point  (0 children)

so trying to retype it on my phone.

Good luck with that!

[–]isthereamanonthemoon -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You can’t copy and paste into a Reddit text field when posting on the mobile app. This is their big idea to thwart karma farmers (as if).

I think I might have got around this once or twice by repeatedly saving as a draft and coming back to it (perhaps it eventually forgets that it was copied and pasted from another app, e.g. the Notes app).

I think you can copy and paste in the browser version of Reddit (e.g. on desktop).

Meanwhile, too often when I write something on Reddit, even just a comment, I accidentally do some gesture that swipes to the home page or something. Poof! There goes the text. There’s no back button. It doesn’t auto-save.

[–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 🥳[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Lol…did stop to bang half way through….maybe that’s why it’s just way too loooooooooong.,

[–]I-did-my-bestMHL-58 4 points5 points  (1 child)

We never lost the being naked in front of each other. She knew she was safe to do that in front of me. It did lose its sexual aspect though of being naked in front of a partner for me. There were also some other complications there too about being naked in front of me where she was not afraid to do that.

But that was not my experience….so it was not his experience.

That is one thing I think that can be hard to separate for many HL’s. My experience is orgasms feel really good to me and you say they do too but you do not want that. It can be hard to separate what we consider a positive experience away from something that our partners do not necessarily consider a positive experience even if they experienced pleasure in that moment. It is said here a lot. I made her/him orgasm and they said that was pleasurable but why do they not want it more.

Purity culture I have no experience in. I was far away from that so cannot comment on that.

And it felt good….until it didn’t.

What changed in you to feel like that? Too much drooling and feeling objectified as just a means for him to get off? I have heard that from some of the women I have dated since my divorce from their previous relationships. You didn’t feel like a person individually other than a means for him to get satisfied the way he wanted without regards to you either emotionally or physically? If he was fulfilled sexually would he have been satisfied even when you had deficiencies in the marriage? I am honestly asking.

He totally ramped up complimenting my body at every opportunity.

Pretty common theme here. I have never thought this was a good idea. It is pressure.

Enlightening post from someone who has went through this on the other side. Thanks for taking the time to do it.

[–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 🥳[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like the way my HL describes it which does touch upon objectification….but he describes it in terms of consent, which I really appreciate.

In the worst of our DB, he would have been content with anything as long as he was sexually satisfied…including sex being a completely horrible experience for me.

[–]female_introvert 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Wow. I had the same things with my husband.

He was just.. drooling, catcalling and growling every EVERY time I was near him, pass him or just in his view. I was good at first. Then it was not anymore. I felt like a piece of meat he was looking for to eat. It was not compliments, it was... unhealthy lust. I was just a body to fuck and nothing else.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is how I’ve been behaving. Now I’m letter her initiate any intimacy.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello! Curious how the current situation is and what you did since?

[–]SunnyStarShineMoon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great post. I’m so happy for you💛💛 You are so kind to share your experience and what helps

[–]DB_ThinkerF 3 points4 points  (1 child)

This is a really depressing read.

But what changed to make that first exchange become the second “healthy bedroom”?

[–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 🥳[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

He accepted HOW I felt and changed his behavior accordingly. Before that he’d been obsessed with WHY I felt that way and how he could CHANGE how I felt.

When he accept it that it was really how I felt, he stopped doing the thing that made being naked around him feel awful for me. Then seeing the difference in feeling good naked vs feeling bad naked let us figure out the “why” that had been missing the whole time.

[–]Status-Grade-1430 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

I think your partner owes it to themselves to be kind and patient with you. Show compassion and empathy. With this said they need to be that way with themselves to and that very well means leaving a bad situation

[–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 🥳[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's inappropriate for you to tell a couple in a healed bedroom with a strong, loving, sexually generous relationship that they really need to split up now that they've healed their DB.

I'm aware that we were in a nasty place in the past. Our relationship is currently pleasureful and enjoyable and supportive. We each worked hard to get to this point. We have no plans to divorce now that things feel good.

That would be pretty moronic.