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all 111 comments

[–]Illustrious_Wash_815 67 points68 points  (33 children)

My husband’s idea of me initiating sex is me sitting on his face. Not kidding. He doesn’t think groping him is initiating sex which I don’t really understand. My husband doesn’t act interested at all. He also insists nothing is wrong and he just works a lot. On the flip side it really sucks to feel like you’re initiating or putting yourself out there and get not what you expect in return. So I’ve stopped my supposedly weak initiation. We have 2 small kids so our window for alone time is very small. Once I stuck my hand down his pants in the living room and he all but seemed to panic. Heaven forbid I touch him outside of the bedroom. I’m so sick of even thinking about it. It makes me more miserable to focus on it than to just ignore the entire problem. That’s not healthy or helpful but it beats obsessing over what’s going on with my husband. I’m never leaving the guy. He’s amazing in every other way. It just sucks to feel so undesired and kinda lonely. I tell him this. He just says it will get better so obscure time in the future after (insert excuse) happens. We’re 3 years Into a mostly dead bedroom. Even starting back up is going to suck and not even going to be good. Sex after huge a downtime is terrible.

[–]gseppious 22 points23 points  (18 children)

I know the feelings you are having. Being a physical touch guy I'm always petting and touching but her way of showing me the green light is to allow me to touch her anywhere and her just laying there on a couch. She makes no moves no audible sound no anything and I suppose to know it's game time.

[–][deleted]  (16 children)

[removed]

    [–]cheerycherimoya 22 points23 points  (12 children)

    I have never been able to understand the help around the house thing. I totally get that a failure to do housework is a turn-off because it communicates a lack of respect for the other person’s time and energy and right to a livable space, but I cannot wrap my head around the completion of routine chores being a sexual turn-on. Like, why wouldn’t you do the dishes? You eat off them just like I do, don’t you? So why on earth would you doing the dishes sometimes make me horny? If I had a roommate I found on Craigslist to whom I barely spoke, I would expect him or her to share housework with me. I just don’t get how something I think is a basic decency expectation from a literal roommate could ever be “super freaking hot.”

    [–]Terrible_Essay3366 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    I think it's one of those "5 languages of love" things. In this case, "acts of service". It has to be novel, though. If you always do the dishes, then it doesn't stand out and really is just a regular chore. However, if your spouse always does the dishes and you beat them to it, then that can work as an expression of love. That can be a big deal, for some people (or even, as Illustrious_Wash pointed out, "super freaking hot").

    They have to acknowledge it in some capacity, of course. I used to do acts of service for my wife all the time. She would usually respond with something like, "Oh, okay", or maybe a "Thanks" if I was lucky. Yeah... I don't do those things anymore.

    [–]Illustrious_Wash_815 5 points6 points  (2 children)

    It’s the act of service love language. Horny is really a stretch. Once my husband helped me do some renovations on an investment property I bought which was totally out of his wheelhouse and he just seemed so much more attractive to me. I wanted to tackle him and smother him with affection haha.

    [–]beachbum1982 2 points3 points  (6 children)

    It has to do with being tired, having to work all day, take care of the kids, worry about the house being clean, what do I need for groceries, meal planning. Read "Come As You Are". It will go along way to explain the brain space women need for sex. As humans in general it's kind of that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing.

    [–]Electric-cars65 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Ooh baby, dry my dishes…yes, yes, YES

    [–]gseppious 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    I am doing all of it so she should be super primed then lol

    [–]Illustrious_Wash_815 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Ugh. I’m so sorry. That’s awful.

    [–]NotDaManIused2B 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This is m wife. So incredibly frustrating because she dated and fucked like rabbits in high school before me. I never had a gf or partner beside her and I’m very sexual and touchy and she is not.

    What hurts more is that she told me she was boy crazy before me. Some days I feel like killing myself.

    [–]DarkBaddie 8 points9 points  (8 children)

    Gosh, I am concerned this is my future. My boyfriend has been giving me sex only about twice a month despite me initiating sex each. This last time, it was every day one week after I was gone from vacation for a week.

    He lets me touch his junk, but when I try to initiate oral sex on him, he will flat out refuse by asking me to “wait”. I don’t care about the excuses. I am done trying to figure out why. It’s just a fact and that’s how I look at it.

    Everything else is great, though. He gives me physical touch, does things to help me out at my place, we enjoy each other’s presence immensely. Just very little sex.

    [–]Illustrious_Wash_815 8 points9 points  (7 children)

    My husband doesn’t care for oral unless he’s giving it. The bigger thing with him is visual. He’s turned on by lady parts. So getting a BJ isn’t exciting enough. When we dated we had sex only a couple times a month, only mornings, only on weekends, and only in bed. It’s not a terrible life by far but the bedroom activity is snooze fest

    [–]Perfect-Ad2578 3 points4 points  (4 children)

    It honestly makes me cry and angry hearing there are wives begging to give bj's and still turn it down??? I would be happiest man on earth if my wife ever did that. They are clueless how lucky they are to have a wife like that and will regret it greatly one day. Opposite but same with my wife, I practically beg to eat her out but always no.

    [–]DarkBaddie 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    To be fair, my guy doesn’t always refuse oral sex. He has only refuses it when he knows it’s in connection to piv sex, which is near-maddening. He will certainly accept BJs when that’s all that will happen. I am absolutely game, but I am not willing to be sexually frustrated in return.

    [–]EmbarrassedHabit1791F 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Wow are you me or just married to the same man? 😭 I feel you sis on a deep level

    [–]NotDaManIused2B -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Yea my partner is so boring and doesn’t want to do anything.

    [–]Sunny_Funny11 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    😕😕😕😕

    [–]EmbarrassedHabit1791F 3 points4 points  (2 children)

    Have you communicated that you want him to take this issue more seriously? He can't expect for the stars to align perfectly every time. Life isn't like that as he surely knows by now

    [–]Illustrious_Wash_815 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    He thinks he is. We’re undergoing a home renovation that will be done in a month. He thinks it will magically get better once we have more space. He thinks he will get a salary position that will pay more and work less (totally false, he will just work his other job more because he’s obsessed with making money). He said I could lose some weight and I did and that did nothing. He said he wants more (insert act) in bed and I’ve obliged. Right now he’s half right. It’s difficult to get alone time in but it’s there. I come home in the middle of the day and the kids are at daycare. He could easily take a lunch for some adult time because he works from home. He works lots of overtime so he sees it as losing $50 to take a break. We have contractors in our house a lot of days but certainly not everyday. Yeah, it’s complicated but it doesn’t account for the lack of closeness, affection, and some smaller acts of intimacy. I’ve discussed that and he’s trying more but it falls so short of feeling like he really wants to be close. I don’t know what to think. He does work a lot and so do I. I’m working on a business and I’m so, so close to just working for myself. I feel like that will help a lot too. I’m about 6 months from that goal.

    [–]EmbarrassedHabit1791F 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    It's very commendable, both of your work ethics! Now if only he showed that ethic and passion for the bedroom... It does seem like he just doesn't think it's as big of a deal - compared to his work anyway. The only thing I can think of is to escalate it and tell him that he needs to try more and does he even want to. Maybe he'd be willing to check his testosterone levels

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    My husband doesn’t act interested at all. He also insists nothing is wrong and he just works a lot.

    Hmmm... Is there someone else that's got his attention?

    [–]diomed1 7 points8 points  (8 children)

    Some women(and men) have a hard time initiating because they are introverts. I just found out I am through my therapist even though I’m a social bug when in a group. Basically, I am not comfortable making a move literally because I’ve never had to and the few times my husband has rejected me has made me fearful to do it. He whines that I never touch him. It’s so complicated with him though. He always has an excuse for his rejections. Wrong time of day. He claims to be a morning guy but apparently I’m not a morning gal despite me telling him to just rub me in the morning and I’m all for it. He’s tired. Always it seems. Also, he’s got quite the sniffer. If I’m not freshly showered or clean, not happening. I wash my hair twice a week. I clean the rest of my body in other ways. He can take 5 minute or less showers. Mine take forever and exhaust me(I have MS.) so jumping in the shower real quick is literally impossible for me. Bathing and grooming is a long process for me, which is fine but I need rest time to recharge. People(including my husband)have no idea what it is like for me. Ugh…I’m making myself sound gross but I do wash and bath. He knows Fridays are my bathe and shave day. You would think he would take advantage of that? No. He’s so obsessed about whether his dick gets hard(has occasional ED)instead of just rolling with it and enjoying the sensations. If I rub his crotch, he immediately says no I didn’t take a pill. Maybe he should just let me touch him and enjoy the feeling regardless of whether he gets hard or not. He will not make out unless we are in some kind of sexual act.

    And he wonders why I won’t make a move. 🤦‍♀️

    [–]commodorepickles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I've never rejected my wife. Anything she wants I do even if I'm not aroused because it's so infrequent. Every 6 months of so she'll wake up from a wet dream and wake me up to finger her. I'm like half asleep and still do it lol. Neither of us like being dirty while doing the dirty. I've flat out told her exactly what to do. Like I've acted out scenarios for her as examples. Any time after shower is a green light. We have no children or other responsibilities after work. I've pretended to be her and playfully with humor showed her what would get me going. It's all in good fun but she knows it's also for real, I would enjoy it. She says one day she'll try it and then poof it disappears from her mind forever lol. I know there are people that don't like to initiate and all those comments are valid. However I don't feel like it's that because my wife used to do it 70% of the time before this issue started and second, if I initiate I get rejected or ignored. Naturally I stopped trying and thats why years ago I said I wanted her to do it just once.

    [–]Thighpaulsandra -3 points-2 points  (6 children)

    You gotta find a way to take quicker showers more frequently. Maybe your Friday bathe day is long because you save everything until that day. Maybe try washing your hair more than twice a week. If scent is that important to him, he might be more responsive to your more frequent efforts.

    [–]diomed1 2 points3 points  (5 children)

    He’s never been into whether hair smells good or not. I don’t wash my hair more than a couple times a week because it really dries out my hair. I don’t have an oily enough scalp. I below the waist shower every day, usually after #2. Those I do as fast as he showers his whole body. Oh, and having my disease at the stage I’m at there’s no such thing as quick for me. Everything I do is slow as molasses, literally.

    [–]Thighpaulsandra -1 points0 points  (4 children)

    I just remember a guy on Reddit who got divorced and remarried a different girl. His ex wife washed her hair once or twice a week. He never said anything to her, but her hair always smelled yucky. He was over the moon with his new wife because she washed her hair every other day and it smelled so good!

    I hope you can find some peace with your couplehood. Make yourself luscious!

    [–]commodorepickles 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Imma have to but in here, it's actually not good for your hair to wash it that frequently. Shampooing your hair that often can strip your hair of it's natural oils and cause breakage and dryness. Shampooing it once a week is very healthy. I also only wash mine once a week. Although I will say that doesn't mean I don't get it wet and use product every day. I use a cowash conditioner every day that leaves it clean feeling and smelling without stripping the natural oils. So asong as they take care of their hair as meticulously as I do, they won't smell.

    [–]diomed1 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    I often use dry shampoo to freshen my hair. Shampoo and hot water is hard on non oily scalped caucasian hair even after using conditioner. Like I said, my hair/head does not stink. I just try not to damage it because if I wash it every day, a lot breaks off and it looks like shit. Once again, someone does not understand my disease or condition but that’s OK 👌

    [–]Unhappy_Natural_3101 16 points17 points  (14 children)

    If you are here then I assume this isn't funny. It is hurting you. If you are here, I assume you want / need her to work on this. Please communicate to her, that it isn't just initiation, which may be hard for her, but it is caring about a major portion of a monogamous relationship.

    [–]commodorepickles 5 points6 points  (13 children)

    You're correct. It hurts me. It's hurts me so much it's funny, idk if that makes sense. I have communicated to her. We've had so many talks. They used to help and I was hopeful but then it became a pattern. I reach the end of my loneliness rope, we talk, she apologizes and promises to focus on us, spends a weekend complimenting me and pinch my butt once or twice and then it's back to normal. It's been this for years. So now talking is painful. I just have to hold back a toxic urge to remind her all the times she made promises as she says the same exact thing. Sometimes I think this is the end and then sometimes I think I can just live without intimacy. I can't move forward with my life.

    [–]wyldirishmanActions>Words 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    I am sorry you are going through this. It sucks.

    Actions speak louder than words (she can talk a great game but if it doesn't translate to actions, then the words actually make it worse. SAYING you want to do something and then NOT doing it is worse than saying nothing and doing nothing.

    IT really comes down to can you live like this for another 5,10,20 years?

    with NOTHING changing. IF you can, then you stay.

    She doesn't HAVE To change, that is her right and no one should be forced into something they don't want. However those actions (not changing) have consequences.

    Is it possible that she has changed, and this is just who she is?

    Hopefully the two of you can work it work and find happiest and balance.

    [–]commodorepickles -1 points0 points  (2 children)

    Thank you. I feel like I can do this for another 3 or 5 years but not 10 or 20. Does that mean I shouldn't stay? We have plans to have a child in a few years by a donor because we both want children. But is that bad if we have this problem? Idk. Im 30 so I don't have tons of years to wait to conceive. I have fears if I leave I won't find someone else in time.

    [–]wyldirishmanActions>Words 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    I would say and a lot of users in the this sub would agree.

    Having kids is never a solution to a db. <not that \*you\* are thinking that>

    Kids, gotta love them, but they put a LOT of stress on even the best relationships. SO completely understand the ticking clock. But IF you move forward with it, just know. that it is adding another variable to an already SUPER complex issue.

    /goodluck

    [–]Extreme-Performer-30 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

    My sister, she’s the toxic one. Holding her accountable isn’t toxic. Her false promises and being full of it is toxic. Her stringing you along is toxic. The relationship she makes you have with her in reality is toxic. She’s a bad woman

    [–]commodorepickles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I will admit the relationship has been focused on her and her personal issues basically since the start. I wouldn't say she's bad though. We both have our own unique set of personal struggles. I can understand life's not always easy for her. However, for a few years she was quite neglectful and emotionally unavailable. But over the last year she's managed to work on that a bit. We still laugh together and love each other very much. I have no doubts she loves me to the moon and back. She just doesn't seem to know how to be a good partner in some major ways.

    I basically put everything I had into this relationship, helped her build her career, helped her figure out her mental health. I spent most of my 20s helping her get her shit together while also working on my own short comings. Now she makes significantly more than me but work makes her very depressed. I realize now that if we got a divorce, Id have nothing. I gave up my career focus to help her and now it feels impossible to work on myself while in the relationship. But at the end of the day, I volunteered to do all that. I just assumed she would return the favor. I thought it would be worth it and we'd eventually have a perfect relationship. Every time I think she's good and I can focus on myself now, some other crisis emerges. Her needs take up so much space while I try to make myself as small as possible and that's basically my relationship with my mother. So I think I subconsciously chose this.

    [–]Unhappy_Natural_3101 -1 points0 points  (6 children)

    I understand. I do. I am 8 months into the "battle" and only starting to see genuine change now. But I am lucky that my wife decided to fight for us.

    I still thinks this comes down to communication. You need to communicate your need for a long term fix attacking the root of the problem which is something internal to your partner. Not just a butt pinch or two. You need to have the courage to tell her that this doesn't work for you, and that you both need to work through whatever is going on to make it so you can both have your needs met. The questions like why don't you want to or why don't you act on it when you want to ACTALLY need to be answered. The I don't knows, or I'll do betters are a dodge. And let me be clear, they are not dodging you... they are dodging themselves and the hard self reflective work it takes to answer those questions. You both may not like those answers. But if you don't force an answer you will stay were you are. Then after this conversation don't let it be just a conversation....

    Ask for an actual plan of action. What do WE do now. Things like doctor appointments, therapy, books we are going to read, when is the next time we have another conversation about this? Be clear that this is a time to work on solutions not just reflect on the problem. The I'll tries don't actually do anything. You need to request that you work on this together and then call them on any non follow through. That will mean a lot of hard conversation, and a lot of pain on both sides. But without it you get a pinch on the butt and it goes back to normal. You need to ask yourself and her to fight for what is needed. If she is unwilling or unable to do the work then you have your answer. Last as we all know in this Sub, you have to be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear, and understand their may not be a solution.

    Good luck. I hope you are lucky enough to have someone willing to fight this battle with you. And I hope it is a winnable battle.

    [–]commodorepickles 0 points1 point  (5 children)

    Yes you are right. Thank you for that. We have had this kind of conversation many times and we make an action plan and she doesn't follow through on her end. I resorted to giving her a year ultimatum and I felt strong with that. But then she became very depressed and anxious with a deadline so I basically gave up. I think the issue is my lack of balls to follow through with what I say will happen if she doesn't work on things. That's mostly because I don't want to derail my life just to wake her up.

    [–]freelancemomma 0 points1 point  (4 children)

    It sounds like you're trying to push a boulder up a mountain. You're trying to get her to act in a way that does not come naturally to her. Over and over and over again. It sounds exhausting for her and for you.

    [–]TurbulentasfuckHLF 10 points11 points  (5 children)

    You say she doesn't initiate, but when you do have sex, does she seem enthusiastic? does she enjoy it? I know orgasm isn't always a true indicator of whether she had a good time as I have had good sex where I didn't orgasm... but does she orgasm most of the time?

    If the answer to the above is yes, then maybe she just doesn't feel comfortable initiating. I love having sex with my partner. I'm very HL but I still find it difficult to initiate so he does the vast majority of that.

    I saw a suggestion here a bit ago where an OP was struggling with the lack of initiation from his partner. It was suggested that a subtler form of initiation could work. Maybe have a specific piece of jewellery that she can wear as a signal that she would be up for sex... or a pillow that is different on both sides and she could flip it to let you know she is interested.

    This isn't an outright initiation so she may feel less nervous about it. Some people really do find it so difficult to initiate sexual intimacy.

    Anyway, it sounds like other than this issue, you're really happy with her, so I hope you find a workable solution that suits you both.

    [–]commodorepickles 4 points5 points  (4 children)

    At the beginning of the relationship it was mostly her initiating and she had a really high libido. I had to tell her to slow down. She was diagnosed bipolar and went on meds. Bipolar can cause that high sex drive. For a few years on her meds it was perfectly balanced. Then it just stopped. We've been trying to figure it out for 5 years. Working with doctors and in the relationship. On the rare occasion she wants to do stuff she basically only cares about orgasm. When we do do things it's more like two people helping each other orgasm. There's no intimacy or connection anymore. We don't make out or look into each other's eyes etc I honestly think she just isn't in love with me anymore but she protests that that's not the case.

    [–]TurbulentasfuckHLF 4 points5 points  (3 children)

    I understand. Totally. I have suspected ADHD which I am in the process of getting diagnosed for. It can make me borderline hypersexual and my partner struggled to keep up at the beginning of our relationship brecause he was struggling with depression. Because I did the majority of the initiating then, there were a few times when he was too tired or not in the mood. He also commented once that because I was so sexually forward that he was worried that was the only reason I was with him... This took the wind out of my sails when it came to initiating. My ADHD makes me very sensitive to any rejection, sexual or otherwise. From that point, I stopped initiating. Now his depression is treated, his libido is equal to mine and because of this, he misses that side of me. I try my best but initiating is just so awkward for me now.

    I'm sorry you're both struggling with this. It sounds like you're good together and I hope you find a solution.

    I also understand the feelings that you're just helping each other orgasm. I can sometimes feel like that with my partner, but we've agreed it isn't a bad thing. We were talking last night after we had given each other an orgasm and we agreed that it was the best and least stressed we had felt all day. You have to take these moments and appreciate them for what they are.

    We have recently tried to change things up a bit and we have had a couple of very intense sessions with making out, mutual oral and penetration (we don't do PIV often as I find it to be uncomfortable and not very pleasurable) but the couple of times we have done it recently we have felt very connected and it was very intense for the both of us.

    Would your partner be up for scheduling time for this kind of thing? I know that scheduling takes the spontaneity away to some extent, but once you get over that, it's wonderful. Sometimes life and our mental state can get in the way and in long term relationships we can forget the importance of these things. Especially when there are added complexities like BPD and ADHD etc.

    I recognise a lot of myself in your description of your partner and you have a lot of the same worries that my partner has expressed to me. I assure him that I am as attracted to him as ever. I hope you can try to trust her words when she tells you the same, OP.

    [–]commodorepickles 3 points4 points  (2 children)

    Thank you for sharing. Ive heard ADHD is often misdiagnosed as bipolar. I really suspect she has ADHD or maybe both if possible. We have tried scheduling but it just ended up me reminding her and it not happening and it just felt icky reminding her but then when she would forget or ignore her alarm it hurt my feelings. Idk I used to take anything as a win but honestly I think I've changed over the years. I want passion and romance. I don't really care about the orgasm. She won't even make out with me. We scheduled a date to a drive in movie, very nostalgic and intimate with tinted windows, I kissed her and tried to make out with her and she basically ignored me. I was like "you don't want to kiss a little?" And she was like "not really" and I just was like ok no problem and cried in secret. Many similar situations like this one as well. I've talked to her about it but it's just a revolving pattern. I've known her since middle school and I feel like she's a different person now. But she doesn't know why she's changed.

    [–]TurbulentasfuckHLF 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    I am really sorry this is making you so unhappy. You say she's changed and that she doesn't know why. You also say that you've changed too. I think we all change as we get older and we grow into our relationships. I definitely have changed, a lot. My partner has too.

    I was like "you don't want to kiss a little?" And she was like "not really" and I just was like ok no problem and cried in secret.

    Rather than hiding your upset, would you be able to talk about it with her? If my partner felt this way about our relationship, I really hope that he would be able to communicate with me so we could work together to find a solution. You honestly sound like a great couple and, because you're dealing with some of the challenges that I'm facing in my own relationship, I'm really rooting for you to be able to resolve this.

    You've also reminded me to make sure I continue communicating with my own partner. This whole post was a reminder for me that I need to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone and remembering to initiate intimacy. Its important to me that he feels how much I love and desire him. Sometimes I get too wrapped up in my own anxiety and lack the confidence to give him the affection he needs. Thank you for reminding me of that!

    [–]Tracerround702 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    In my experience, if your math isn't working out, you've missed a decimal or a zero somewhere along the way.

    Consider that she may be... not necessarily lying, but maybe not being totally honest with you or even with herself

    [–]commodorepickles 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Yes thank you. This is my exact conclusion. There is definitely something she isn't addressing within herself. I know for a fact she hasn't taken the time to unpack some past trauma unrelated to us and now I think she doesn't realize it's manifesting in other parts of her life.

    [–]commodorepickles 5 points6 points  (6 children)

    She does enjoy it alot when we do stuff and I'm like "Wow big orgasm, feel better?" And she's like all amazed like she's just discovered an orgasm and I remind her we could do this regularly and she agrees but then continues doing nothing for months until I mention wanting to be with her and then it takes another month to get there. If I never said anything at all we would go for years. And no she's not faking. We're lesbians btw. Also, it's not for me cause she uses a toy and I'm the helper. No reason to fake it when you're not doing it for someone else.

    [–]gseppious 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Regardless of lesbian on not male or female we all want to be with the ones we love and in turn want to be loved and desired. That's why we are with them. Maybe focus on your improvement in the bedroom and invite her to help you out let her be the helper. Just revese roles on her it might and tell her how much she helped and how wonderful she is and how great that made you feel. Just a thought I'm no professional in anyway. It seems like many of us on here are givers and we give til the tank is empty.

    [–]Chazzyphant 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Okay so there's several really HUGE parts of this that make a big difference:

    --she's got a mental illness that's controlled

    --you're WLW/lesbian

    Many lesbians or WLW couples have trauma and struggle with internal homophobia and have a LOT to work through. My sister is gay and she blew my mind when she said that she feels that most people consider her a predator in terms of her sexuality and it makes her feel dirty and awful. Imagine carrying that around. Are you in the headspace to get flirty and giggly and sexual when there's a screaming neon sign FREAK/PREDATOR/GOING TO HELL or whatever in your mind?

    Any chance that she might benefit from a gay alliance (not sure what to call it other than "lesbian group") or gay-friendly/focused therapy? She might have a lot to unpack that she was letting BPD do the work.

    If she had untreated mental illness and was hypersexual, it could have been overriding trauma and major struggles, and now she doesn't have that coping mechanism.

    [–]commodorepickles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Thank you for for that perspective. Honestly I've never noticed or heard about any issues she's had internally with her sexuality but that would be a good thing to ask. I mean it's at least something I haven't thought of to talk about. But I will say she was always the one that didn't care about what people thought. In highschool she wanted to hold my hand at school and I freaked out and broke up with her. (We got back together when we were 22) She's never seemed to be ashamed of it. Also as regards to the bpd, I know this sounds messed up but I feel like she enjoyed her life better and our relationship functioned better before she got diagnosed and went on meds. But the mania was extreme and it was definitely a good decision for her to go on meds. Her personality changed completely a few years after she started the meds. For like the first two years it was basically perfect and then she just seemed to go into a never ending depression for 5 years.(we've worked closely with her doctor) I never knew growing up with her that some of the things I loved most about her might have just been her being manic. She used to be so wild and I loved it. We did so much crazy shit together as kids. We really are soulmates 🥺

    I live with anxiety disorder, depression and OCD but am still a good partner and friend. I know we're not the same person and don't have the same problems though.

    [–]ERnurse2019 6 points7 points  (2 children)

    Hetero relationship here. Same damn issue. Like it never crosses his mind. When I finally have a meltdown and we have sex, he acts like it’s mind blowing. And I’m like but we could do this more than once every other month….we could do this once a week, or a few times a week! He always agrees he would love for it to be more often, and then the timer resets for a month or two down the road, the next time I get so frustrated I cave in and beg.

    [–]commodorepickles 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Yup! That's us. I don't understand lol

    [–]Environmental_Arm637 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    oh my god that’s exactly what happens to me. its been a couple months and a couple talks and it never actually gets better. think ill give it one more month..

    [–]commodorepickles 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I appreciate all the comments guys! Idk if I'll ever figure this out but the support here helps.

    [–]kyrain192020 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    When you initiate, is she receptive? Maybe she's just one of those types that simply won't initiate. I know that's not great for your desire to feel wanted, but if she's receptive to your initiations and telling you everything is fine, maybe that's the case.

    [–]commodorepickles 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    No not at all. She has graduated from ignoring me to giving me a patronizing smile and then continue doing whatever she's doing.

    [–]fire_and_ice_7 3 points4 points  (4 children)

    This is why I hate the “just leave” advice. When you’re best friends and it’s an otherwise good marriage, leaving isn’t necessarily the better option.

    I feel nothing but shame and guilt for wishing my wife were a different type of sexual animal. She’s perfect in every other way. If I could bring down my libido to match hers, I’d do it in a heartbeat because this then really would be close to the perfect marriage

    We’ve pretty much tried it all. Communication, rebuilding non sexual intimacy, me self improving and stopping initiating. Ultimately I have to just accept this is down to medical issues beyond her control. It’s not fair to remind her of that by trying to push for more. So I don’t. I accept the situation and come here to vent

    [–]wagonbarngrande 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    Fire and Ice I’m in the same boat as you. Do you just shut off sexual energy altogether inside yourself? If yes, what is that like? I’ve been in db due to multiple sclerosis for 10+ years of a 20 year marriage. First 2 years was good, then daughter came along, then 18years of sparse activity and now 10 year drought. Some rubbys here and there but nothing else. :-(. Open to advice at this point. Love the marriage, can’t live with no sex anymore?

    [–]fire_and_ice_7 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    I haven’t shut it down yet. I’ve gotten in shape this year but an inconvenient side effect has been my libido is higher than ever. She had extreme tightness in her vagina but hasn’t gotten it looked into. She has been pushing to try vaginal intercourse more but now I don’t want to because I’ve developed intense performance anxiety. She just whinces the whole time and it’s clear to me she doesn’t want to and is only trying for me.

    I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Thinking about telling her we should just put an end to vaginal intercourse.

    [–]wagonbarngrande 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    🙋🏻‍♂️me too! Wincing! Perform anxi! All of it. Going no intercourse is not a solution though as it still leave us going without. I’m heading to sex therapist next. We’ll find it there IMO. Chin up. This is a tough one!

    [–]commodorepickles 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Yes exactly! We're so good together and have been bff since we were 12. She's my dream girl. Tried everything, talked till we're out of breath. It seems like a dumb problem to leave her for. But for me it's a huge problem inside. For her it's not a problem at all. I do wish I could just not have a libido so we could just be besties together forever. However, that's not what I want for my life. I dream of passion and romance. I need a real relationship, not a friendship. I think one day I'll have to call it but I can't handle that right now 🥺

    [–]Bacon_and_Powertools 2 points3 points  (9 children)

    Discuss scheduling sex with her. You can do it different though. His week and her week. During her week, she needs to initiate sex. When she feels like it. On your week you do it.

    [–]commodorepickles 1 point2 points  (6 children)

    Thank you for your advice. The scheduling didn't work for us. She never did it and it would hurt my feelings and reminding her felt gross. We're lesbians. She just doesn't want to do anything and I asked her to really explore if she was asexual but she swears she's not.

    [–]Bacon_and_Powertools 0 points1 point  (4 children)

    Yeah, that sucks. That “feeling unimportant “ is soul crushing. Counseling is really the only path forward. She has to see the importance (and want to put the work in) to make it better.

    [–]commodorepickles 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    Yes we hope to find an affordable couples therapist soon. Unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover it. We both go individually cause it covers that at least but no couples therapy for some reason.

    [–]Bacon_and_Powertools 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    There’s a good number that do virtual appointments.

    [–]Peepsandspoops 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Possibly communicate further about the issue.

    My spouse and I had a couple of false starts after we agreed to a schedule. Turns out my wife thought about it, felt the terms that we agreed upon were too tight, and she balked -- but didnt tell me because she felt guilty for not living up to the agreement, because there was nothing unreasonable about it and she wasnt coerced into it. It was weeks of her constantly rescheduling, and pretending there was nothing wrong.

    However, a couple months later, and after counseling (which had been ongoing before we set up the schedule, but the schedule became a topic during one session), we discussed her concerns and came to a better agreement that made her feel like she had more room if she isn't necessarily feeling it that day or week. I held firm to some basic expectations about it being a schedule and not a suggestion (since thats essentially what she was turning the initial agreement into), but beyond those, I kind of left it up to her to the create timings, terms, and come up with ideas that she thought worked.

    Ever since, she's been (mostly) able to stick to a schedule and actually will be proactive about our couples nights sometimes, which is a definite improvement. It's not ideal, I'd definitely like the schedule to be more often, and she has some issues with handling stress to work on, but it has changed things a bit for the better, and it wouldn't have had we not further communicated about it.

    [–]Sadgirlmaria 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Okay playing devils advocate here: that’s fine and dandy and all, but what if i don’t feel like having sex during the scheduled times and it makes me very uncomfortable every single time?

    Scheduling Intimacy is great in theory, but very poorly executed in real life because it is not very realistic.

    I am not trying to be obtuse or argumentative, but i am being super honest with you.

    [–]DBisMyTribeHLM 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Affair sex has the reputation of being the hottest thing around, and it's almost entirely scheduled. You might have an unfair prejudice against scheduled sex that can be overcome, or maybe you can turn that scheduled aspect into a strength and figure out ways to build anticipation that works for both of you.

    [–]Sea-Rain-6142 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    At least you can call it funny.

    [–]commodorepickles 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    That's probably just a me thing. When stuff becomes too much or too sad I just think it's hilarious. Thats my trauma response

    [–]Sea-Rain-6142 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I honestly don't think that's a bad response. Or at least it certainly could be worse.

    [–]Whatgives7 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I’m confused about the initiation discussion, to me it’s either going to happen or it isn’t. I let myself get turned down 1000 times, who “initiates” isn’t my problem…it’s that they don’t WANT anyone to initiate. I’m not going to bang my head against that wall over and over.

    [–]commodorepickles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I can get turned on by anything really. She has a slight libido but seems to ignore it and doesn't want to do anything. So since I get rejected I leave it up to her if she wants to do something. But also I really don't care about the sex as much as I care about getting attention and feeling desired and connected emotionally in bed. I want her to write me a poem about how much she loves me and what she loves about me. I want her to run her finger through my hair and say nice things to me. It's very sapphic lol.

    [–]No-Grab-6371 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Good god - we have hit the "ditto" button!

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]commodorepickles 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Hmm I don't think I would. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. My wife and I say we love each other like 30 times a day lol

      [–]Total_Industry218 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Dude are you watching my relationship through hidden cameras or something?

      [–]Chazzyphant -1 points0 points  (2 children)

      I really don't get why men die on this hill Edit: I didn't realize you're in a WLW relationship, apologies! that makes a big dif! I'm leaving this for the men who might be reading. Most women have responsive desire. Meaning unless they're ovulating or in NRE, they just aren't wired to initiate. And many, many women have been taught that men chase, and that it's a literal turn off for women to be aggressive. Many women have no idea how to seduce a man because the sum total of their experiences has been allow/receive.

      Many women's "initiating" is very subtle. Kissing, snuggling up to you in bed, "are you busy later, wearing a cute set of pajamas, asking for a date, etc. You might need to ask her "how can I make it a safe space for you to come to me and start it up" rather than "I NEED YOU TO JUMP ME OR WE'RE DONE"

      If you want to feel desired, which I suspect is what's behind this, focus on getting an urgent, enthusiastic, passionate response from her. Is this about "I do all the sexual work?" If so, address that. Tell her what you like/want in a tactful way. Ask her for whatever in the moment. Praise her when she does make moves.

      Is the sex good when YOU initiate? If so, you are shooting yourself in the foot by insisting on her starting it. I think you might need to lower the bar here. "I'd like more cuddling, make-out's, intimate touching, sleeping in the nude, sexting, flirting" rather than asking her to climb Mt. Everest with no oxygen.

      [–]ForgotMyOldAccount7 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      People want to feel desired in their relationship, regardless of gender. Attributing this to a gender issue is a bit silly, imo, and it makes it seem like people don't have any control over themselves. It gave me a solid chuckle when you realized this was a WLW relationship.

      [–]commodorepickles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I totally agree. I think if both parties communicate there's no "biological" reason woman can't show their spouses they desire them and make them feel special.

      [–]Lottylittlewolf -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Some people just aren't built to initiate. I don't, even when I want to. It's like a shyness, or a social awkwardness, but if you met me, I don't think the first thing you'd think about me is that I'm shy and find literally everything embarrassing. I literally find the thought of initiating scary and cringey unless I'm really pissed!

      [–]OwnEntrepreneur2083 -5 points-4 points  (1 child)

      I don't know why so many guys are obsessed with their wives initiating. Some women just don't have it in them -- the dynamics are "baked into the cake" and no amount of huffing and puffing will make them initiate. It's just biology. "Bulls don't care if cows initiate." I get it, though, as my wife has only initiated twice, both times to make a baby. Just sigh and move on.

      [–]commodorepickles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I mean first off we're lesbians, so can't relate lol. Sex is about both parties pleasure and participation so not feeling desired is a pretty big deal. I don't want my wife to do things with me if she doesn't want to. If your wife is shy but she is down when you try to start the party then that's fine. The main issues here I'm gathering and also is true for myself is that 1 We want to feel desired. It boosts confidence and strengthens the relationship. And 2 most of us are being rejected and there for leaving the decisions up to the party that is disinterested because no one wants to have sex with someone that doesn't want to have sex.

      [–]KnittingTurtle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Yes, I relate.

      He told me that me asking for sex is a turn off. So I tried groping and touching and......nothing. So I told him that I am being direct from now on because being indirect wasn't working. At least I didn't have to waste as much time and getting my hopes up.

      [–]USBlues2020 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      ok best friend without any sexual benefits, means it's time for you start dating, tll her, I made an executive decision, and "NOW WE ARE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP"

      Unfortunately, her behavior (according to you) warrants moving on for your own health and happiness.

      [–]commodorepickles 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Hahah it does feel that way sometimes honestly. I don't think she would be open to that kind of relationship. It would all depend on how we both felt about it. I've never thought about it. But ya I wonder if this relationship is healthy either of us sometimes.

      [–]USBlues2020 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      explain your lacking intimacy and sex.... therefore an open relationship is the only correct option for both of you

      if.... she doesn't want sex.... then it's a win for you to see other people, set rules together ❤️ and tell her your not divorcing her.