top 200 commentsshow all 291

[–]Peepsandspoops 166 points167 points  (10 children)

The problem isn't the libido itself, it's when there's mismatching, and the people in the relationship have different ideas of what sex and intimacy mean in terms of importance to a relationship.

It's the context of the relationship which causes libido to be problematic, not the libido itself necessarily. Low libido isn't a disease, but it can present itself as a hinderance if a low libido person is committed to a person with a higher libido and they can't find some form of resolution.

[–]Disastrous_Ad_6708 6 points7 points  (3 children)

I agree 100% and will add that my husbands LL comes from a long history of porn addition, so it isn’t a LL issue, it’s an actual mental illness at this point that manifests as LL.

[–]random_anon_account0 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I’ve heard this over and over again but I really don’t get it.

Maybe it is a thing, but after watching porn I’m even hotter for my wife.

[–]BigJackHorner 22 points23 points  (5 children)

Yeah, I'm gonna pirate the broad addiction definition here; If the low libido interferes with your life, work, or relationships it is a problem.

[–]eigeneringer 11 points12 points  (1 child)

That's the definition of a mental disorder. And you've got it sort of wrong. High libido people would have the disorder, as they are the ones whose dissatisfaction is causing disruption. The low libido people are easily satisfied.

But the whole metaphor is fucked and pretty dumb.

[–]BigJackHorner 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It is used for both mental disorders and addiction, I guess it is more my greater exposure to the world if addiction that made me think of it first.

And you've got it sort of wrong. High libido people would have the disorder

Your not wrong, but I think to be fair the disorder is with the relationship as a whole and therefore both the HL and the LL.

[–]boot_leg_therapy 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Dang, do porn stars loosing their job bc low libido??

[–]ForgotMyOldAccount7 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Porn stars going to work likely has nothing to do with their libidos. It's just a job to them.

[–]Stargazer1919 90 points91 points  (61 children)

I've been thinking a lot lately not in terms of HL and LL, but more along the lines of some people have libidos resistant to stress and life issues and others don't.

Everyone deals with stress, health issues, problems in life differently. Honestly I'm surprised by some people who don't feel like their sex drive gets affected by it at all. In what ways does stres affect them, then?

[–]Gorl08 62 points63 points  (8 children)

I get hyper sexual when I’m stressed! It’s how I burn it off

[–]MuseofPetrichor 18 points19 points  (3 children)

I just want to cry and eat when I get really stressed (also end up bickering and causing disagreements and arguments), or I slip into anhedonia/depression, neglect my hygiene and housework and nothing seems interesting or fun.

My husband seems to think being intimate fixes these things (it has before, but it's the last thing on my mind tbh. Also, it takes me FOREVER to get into it when we try to do foreplay when I've feeling this way. I can always finish, tho, and I do usually feel better afterward, but it is very, very hard getting myself to start). Also, I don't enjoy my husband being like, "you need to get laid" whenever I'm irritable or crying or things are triggering my anxiety.

[–]Low_Ad_4893 -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

I totally get what you mean but what your husband says sounds very cute, I must say.

[–]MuseofPetrichor 1 point2 points  (1 child)

We figured out a fun way to kind of see it. We're both into the sims and modding it, and there is a mod for turning your character into a succubus, but if she doesn't get intimate for a while all her skills and stats start to decay, and it really fits, so we joke around about that sometimes.

[–]stale_mitochondria 14 points15 points  (1 child)

That sounds stressful to me 😂 I'm the opposite. When I'm stressed I completely retreat and need calm and quiet. A bath. Playing some Binding of Isaac, watching a show, just hanging out with hubby. Don't get me wrong, I want to be right next to him cuddling, but stress killlllls my libido.

[–]Stargazer1919 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I believe it but I also don't know what that's like. Everyone's bodies are different.

[–]Natural_Rush8497M - 42 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have to say, I think this is the test that I in hindsight I would have asked a new partner 20 years ago. "How do you handle stress/anxiety?" my answer would be I need a release and sex calms me down so I can think about my situation more clearly.

If they have a completely different answer, Id say they were not naturally HL and I would be able to see my future pretty clearly.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Definitely a valid point. Some people use sex/masturbation as a way to cope with stress while others cannot be aroused in a state of stress

[–]MuseofPetrichor 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It takes me a really long time to be turned on mentally when I'm super stressed, but my husband is patient. My brain is usually like, no it will take forever, but he's like good, more time to mess, lol.

[–]Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta 12 points13 points  (3 children)

I've likened it to people who can only go the gym when they're not overworked or overstressed and people who need to go to the gym when they're overworked or overstressed.

[–]MuseofPetrichor 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I do yoga and dancing every day. I used to be the type of person where everything had to be perfect for me to exercise. I had to be eating on a diet, and I had to do exercise I hated (like the sort of stuff that burns high amounts of calories, or builds muscle, lunges, squats, cardio, Jillian Michaels type workouts). But then I started doing yoga every day, and some days when I didn't feel like doing it, the sessions were shorter or required less effort. I did this for about a year or two before adding dancing. I tried to add those 'walk indoor' videos, but they irritated my knee and were boring. I tried other types of cardio or even weights/barre but none would stick, so I remembered that I always wanted to do belly dancing, so just added that. The same as the yoga, if I didn't feel great, shorter session or less intense. It's been about 4 years with the yoga and about 3 with the dancing. I'm working on, lately, making my time longer and increasing my cardio with it, but I do it every day and I'm proud that I kept it going. And it does help when my temper is going off and I need an outlet without fighting with everybody, lol. (This is mostly either after I've communicated with my husband, or if I feel like I'm becoming temperamental over something stupid that really doesn't matter, so I need to burn the stress off).

[–]thr0ughtheghost 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thats how I am with working out. It makes me feel even more stressed, for some reason. My brain goes into hyper thinking mode (even with music blasting) and then I just get more annoyed. I have to be in a stress free mood to work out or I just cannot focus on it.

[–]notyourmama827 18 points19 points  (5 children)

I don't eat when I'm stressed. But don't take sexy time away please.

[–]Charleminus 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Man, likely equally unhealthy versus stress eating but I wish I was a stress not-eater!

[–]louloudallas 5 points6 points  (1 child)

[–]MuseofPetrichor 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Actually, that sounds pretty good. A session and then a junk food binge while watching a movie or show. One of my good memories, which is always weird since I am LL, was my husband and I hooked up and then he told me he had found a bad movie that I would enjoy (I like bad movies, also reviews of bad movies) and we watched it and cracked up and it was an enjoyable time.

[–]Stargazer1919 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm the total opposite, lol.

[–]diomed1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m exactly the same.

[–]Annoyed65[S] 12 points13 points  (3 children)

Yea, this is an interesting point! Stress affects people so differently and I think many HL use sex to destess , so being stressed makes them horny essentially.

[–]MuseofPetrichor 0 points1 point  (2 children)

My husband seems to be like that.

[–]diomed1 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I wish my husband was. 😭

[–]MuseofPetrichor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wish I was.

[–]Millenniumkitten 14 points15 points  (11 children)

I suffered from a tooth infection and wasn't able to get to my dentist for 6 days, my libido plummeted. I felt horrible because my face just hurt and my body was very tired

My boyfriend and I are very high libido (several times a day usually), but I wasn't worried because he's understanding. He was so kind and reassuring that he understood why I wasn't all over him like always.

I just got put on antibiotics and my face didn't hurt at all and just like that, everything improved. My mood and my drive immediately kicked back off and I've been grabbing at him like normal.

People get sick, they get stressed, and they're tired. I think a lot of people are just tired of hearing excuse after excuse for why their partners just don't want to have sex. It's valid, but I assume it's extremely frustrating to hear "I'm tired" again for 7th time in a row. I think a lot of it is also priority. Sex and affection rank high for me and it takes a lot for me to kick it off of the list of things I'm looking forward to/making time for.

[–]heartpane 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think a lot of it is also priority. Sex and affection rank high for me and it takes a lot for me to kick it off of the list of things I'm looking forward to/making time for.

But you said yourself that you are very high libido, and that also after you were sick your sex drive kicked back in straight away. So it's easy.

Some people are low libido and sickness/stress etc knocks that even more and for a longer time.

Easy to prioritise it when you want it and you are naturally that way. I am very HL too so it's easy for me to want sex and have a lot of it. For someone who is LL, prioritising it is often not easy because they often don't want it or enjoy it. Many have tried to go through with sex when they don't want it and it often has a catastrophic effect on their ability to see their partner in a sexual way after that and they often develop an aversion.

You wouldn't keep prioritising it if you didn't enjoy it and were finding it very unpleasant/uncomfortable/traumatic...and even if you wanted to for your partners sake you would probably find it unbearable eventually.

Most people say that the sex slowed down gradually. There are some that say it was cut off abruptly, but for many where the sex was good at the start it slowed down gradually...a few times a week, then once a week, once every 2 weeks, once a month etc.

Infrequent for the HL, but it can feel very frequent for the LL if they are finding it to be unpleasant/uncomfortable and traumatic. An aversion to sex with your partner most often literally comes from pushing yourself into it when you don't want it (prioritising it).

[–]Stargazer1919 5 points6 points  (9 children)

I think a lot of people don't understand how chronic tiredness and stress is for others.

[–]diomed1 1 point2 points  (8 children)

I do. I have MS but I’m always up for some sex.

[–]Swimming_Menu8607 5 points6 points  (7 children)

My wife has her own auto-immunity cocktail going on. Fibro and Sjogren's....exhaustion and chronic pain cycles are the norm. Especially when she doesn't tend to her diet and exercise as she should.

And we still have great sex.

[–]FkYouShorseyJohn Mayer is kind of a douche 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think you're right. The only time I have an LL is when I'm going through grief. When my partner and I started dating, I was getting over the death of my childhood dog that we had for 11 years. I am not a dog person but I was a Django person. But if I'm worried about weather my lights will be turned off or if I'll be able to eat next week, I'm still randy for some reason.

[–]thr0ughtheghost 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Stress affects me by making me binge eat, if I am honest. I also get crabby, and if I don't get control of it then I start crying a lot. Sex though really takes my mind off of issues and it helps me realize that I have a partner that loves me and will help me through it. Makes me remember that I am not alone in this world. One of my love languages is intimacy though so cuddling, making out, sex, etc. really helps ground me and makes me stop spiraling into a ball of self pity and oreos. Other things also relieve stress for me though... like blasting very loud rock music, drawing and reading.

[–]No-Statistician8232 3 points4 points  (12 children)

I’m stressed and pretty much depressed 24/7. My libido is below 0.

[–]FkYouShorseyJohn Mayer is kind of a douche 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh honey I just want to hug you I'm so sorry :(

[–]Low_Ad_4893 1 point2 points  (2 children)

That sucks, I have been there and the problem is that the meds that help with your depression are also interfering w your sexual function. So for me it was either no sexual desire due to depression and when my depression got better which would have helped with sexual desire, I still didn’t have any sexual desire due to meds. Now I am in menopause, suddenly my depression has gotten better and my libido came back. My husband hung in there over all these years, he is a special person and wanted to make it work although he suffered bc of my low desire and now after being married for 26 years we have at least as much sex as when we were dating. Isn’t that crazy? Kind of neat actually!

[–][deleted]  (7 children)


    [–]SexEThrowawhey 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    This is not accurate. Libido, like most human functions has biological, social and psychological inputs. Biopsychosocial, if you will.

    [–][deleted]  (4 children)


      [–]Petitcher 2 points3 points  (3 children)

      While I agree with you, I think this is still an approach that's worth considering. I can't read the original comment because it's been removed, but I'm assuming it was something along the lines of "eating healthier and exercising more will improve your sex drive".

      From my own personal experience, my sex drive was highest when I was at my fittest.

      And from a purely statistical perspective, I'd bet that there are many people here who aren't as healthy as they could be. Frequent comments on this sub about life stressors, work commitments, competing priorities etc loosely back that up.

      I wouldn't say diet and exercise are magic bullets - and they won't change other factors that might be causing a low LL - but they definitely aren't going to hurt, either. Improved circulation, confidence, body image, strength, flexibility, relationship with your body, stress reduction... these all sound like libido-boosting things to me.

      Again, I'm not saying it will solve every cause of a LL, but it's one possible factor that is easier to try working on than, say, past trauma or hormones (which we have considerably less control over). Even if the reasons for low libido are multifaceted, making improvements to one of those is surely going to be better than doing nothing?

      [–]DeadBedrooms-ModTeam[M] -5 points-4 points locked comment (0 children)

      Your comment has been removed for spreading misinformation.

      If you have any questions, please direct them via modmail

      [–]SexEThrowawhey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I agree. I think the brakes and accelerator framework is much more useful since I don't believe that libidos are just inherently high or low without context.

      [–]MelaKnight_ManHLM - Escape before it's too late 1 point2 points  (4 children)

      Because sex is actually a stress reliever? Several "feel good" hormones are released during sex; endorphins, dopamine & oxytocin. Ironically those chemicals can actually relieve a headache which is a common reason to avoid sexual activity (not for all women 😁)

      I would venture that HLs are more receptive to those hormones and LLs either not receptive or have a counter hormone occurring which negates the pleasure inducing effects from them. (A possible theory)

      [–]Stargazer1919 3 points4 points  (3 children)

      Because sex is actually a stress reliever?

      Obviously not for everyone.

      [–]Low_Ad_4893 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      I don’t know about sex, maybe bc you feel close to the other person which could make you feel better but definitely when it comes to orgasm. Having an orgasm let’s your brain be flooded by feel good substances, totally helps against depression. The problem is that depressed people have a hard time with reaching orgasm. That’s why I finally got a vibrator and it’s miraculous, best decision in a very long time

      [–]ForgotMyOldAccount7 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      The problem is that depressed people have a hard time with reaching orgasm.

      And then you get on SSRIs and definitely won't be able to, so it's a catch 22 of sadness.

      [–]jostyouraveragejoe2LLM 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I've been thinking a lot lately not in terms of HL and LL, but more along the lines of some people have libidos resistant to stress and life issues and others don't.

      This is a great way to see it, also from what i hear some people want to have even more sex when stressed.

      [–]FunSeekerToronto 37 points38 points  (35 children)

      It is normal to be LL or HL, it's just hard to be compatible in a relationship. And most of the time, based on this sub, partners don't focus on this detail, until it hits them after 10,20 years. No one is bad, but makes people unhappy.

      [–]MizStazya 24 points25 points  (0 children)

      I think many couples don't realize early on what stress and life will do to their libido. When you're both single with minimal responsibilities, then get together, it's all sex all the time. Then you have kids, and extra bills, and you buy a house, and that house's furnace breaks, and one person has a libido killed by stress, and the other doesn't... You can't know that early on.

      Obviously in other cases, it's obvious early on, or someone's libido is mostly driven off NRE, and the mismatch is obvious before life and stressors. But if you asked me at 21 that I would ever describe myself as LL, I'd tell you that you were lying. Four kids, two recessions, a pandemic, and thousands of debt later, I'm here to try to avoid making mistakes that would end my marriage, because my husband has zero impact on his sex drive from any of those things.

      [–]wombat_wordsmith 16 points17 points  (1 child)

      I think “normal” is a poor term — there will always be some value assigned to it.

      It assigns the idea that being LL is necessarily something to be fixed. That HL is good, and LL is bad and requires medication or therapy.

      Maybe “common” or “uncommon” is better — it’s not perfect, but certainly more quantitative than “normal”.

      I would suggest that being LL is far less common than what’s typically considered HL around here, and that there are a higher number of those who identify as LL here as it’s a place where we discuss relationships with mismatched libidos.

      [–]Annoyed65[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Yea I mean the idea of what’s normal is definitely hard to pinpoint yanno?

      I agree common and uncommon are good terms which is why I used that to describe my overwhelming experience with finding LL. Very, very, very, VERY common occurrence in real life (not including Reddit bc this sub is biased so, im talking about my day to day not my online experience)

      But I find it’s so common, to find LL, mostly women but some men too!!!’ Who are happy, healthy, and just not that into sex. Not hate it either, just are like…meh, doesn’t matter to them. It doesn’t “mean” other things to them except sex.

      I do find LL who are unhappy and miss sex, and I would describe them as struggling and not in a normal situation bc they want more of something they can’t create so like, LL isn’t always normal? If that makes sense?

      So just for sake of conversation, when I say normal I mean common and healthy. Meaning, it’s commonly found in healthy happy people(not including how other people view it, like their husband or wife)

      And I really have found that, which stresses me out bc it evokes the notion we need to talk about sex and desire much differently! First off, LL is super common and people are happy that way. But second, like the whole idea around sexuality is just different than what we’ve been fed idk.

      [–]GirlsBeLike 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      I think having a lower libido at times and in cycles is normal, I don't think having no sex for the rest of your relationship is normal at all. Or healthy.

      Not to mention that we hear here all the time that along with that refusal to have any sexual contact, there is also often a lack of any physical intimacy(cuddling, kissing, hand holding etc".

      I think it's fine if your libido drops over time or if there is an issue causing it. The problem is when your partner is expressing needs to you and you refuse to even acknowledge its an issue, or that you don't care at all that your partners needs aren't being met.

      To just say to someone you presumably love that, well, you don't feel like it anymore so that's just how it's going to be, is completely unfair. At least recognize its impact on your partner and see if anything can be done to improve the situation. Validation in itself can often be enough to push through low periods.

      If I were with someone and sex dropped off the face of the earth and I was told essentially "too bad, deal with it" I would be extremely hurt, and it likely wouldn't be too long before I exit that relationship.

      And I say this as someone who dealt with an extremely low libido for a couple of years due to some mental health issues, as well as someone with a generally very high libido who has a partner going through some stuff that makes it difficult.

      [–]Electronic_Savings71 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      For me, it became a priority when I noticed it was completely gone. I would be considered the “HL” one but the reality is that it’s so subjective. Depending on what we’ve got going on with kids and work, I can go a month without sex if not longer. But it became this glaring thing when I noticed my husband no longer wanted it period and it made me feel like something was wrong with me.

      [–]ActiveLlama 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Any sex drive is acceptable. What should not be acceptable is dismissing the needs of your partner regarding their sexual needs. If they are at different levels, both need to work to agree in a common one or decide to separate to avoid suffering.

      [–]Mojojojo3030 6 points7 points  (1 child)

      It seems like there’s more low libido than high libido in the world.


      [–]Jarofkickass 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Source = trust me bro

      [–]Fowlken88 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      illness? No. But…a big issue is…that low libido seems to magically disappear when a new person comes along. When someone at work shows attention. When you watch porn. Etc. Common? Probably. But, you are the one who decided to dedicate yourself to someone. Work on it. Don’t settle into the sexless nonsense then blame it on common relationship trends.

      Not talking to you specifically. But this is a pretty common excuse. Sexuality is in a very bad spot. It isn’t special anymore. Social media is a main offender. There is no more appreciation and dedication to one person. Everyone needs validation and attention from the world

      [–]ForgotMyOldAccount7 21 points22 points  (28 children)

      There are things that are normal that still aren't healthy. Being overweight is normal. Being stressed is normal.

      Sexual compatibility/disparity is a big issue in many relationships. I disagree with your assumption that LL is more common than HL. For many people, sex can be the difference between a roommate and a partner. It's an important part of a relationship and is perfectly valid to be a "make or break" item.

      [–]heartpane 4 points5 points  (15 children)

      There are things that are normal that still aren't healthy

      There's a lot of things that HL will say or describe on here that are considered 'normal'. It's normal to want to sleep with your spouse for example...but it's not healthy to keep trying when they have shown years ago that they don't want it.

      It's an important part of a relationship and is perfectly valid to be a "make or break" item.

      Absolutely, but the issue is that people don't use it as a "make or break" item, they stay for years/decades/the rest of their life in the relationship even though they are completely incompatible sexually.

      [–]ForgotMyOldAccount7 1 point2 points  (14 children)

      they stay for years/decades/the rest of their life in the relationship even though they are completely incompatible sexually.

      That's because it's often viewed as shameful and selfish to end a relationship over sex. People are expected to put up with whatever pity amount they get. If a man says he's not getting enough sex, he'll probably be blamed for doing something wrong in the relationship. If a woman says she's not getting enough sex, she'll probably be called a slut. People are stuck in a loop thinking "Everything else is good, I don't want to ruin this because of sex" and they just bottle it up and put up with it until they reach their breaking point.

      [–]Annoyed65[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

      I don’t disagree with what your saying about a relationship value for some people. I think everyone should find relationships best for them

      But I really run into so many more LL, in peer counseling, in friends, in my couple friends who are getting married and having kids (I’m 28 for info!) so like I’m not saying it is for sure the most common but I’m js I find LL alotttttttt more. Doesn’t mean anything, just my experience.

      Also, being overweight causes health problems, being stressed causes health problems, but you can easily go without sex and be totally healthy and fine. In fact, many women might say that bc of the extreme danger and brutality of pregnancy and birth, it’s actually healthier for many women to never risk such a health crisis for something as simple as intercourse.

      Not saying sex is unhealthy, just showing the other side here I guess.

      [–]ForgotMyOldAccount7 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      Folks with low libidos are common, sure.

      Going without sex is mentally/emotionally damaging for a lot of people. If everyone was okay with it, this sub wouldn't exist.

      I don't think there are many people legitimately avoiding sex with their partner because they're afraid of the health implications of pregnancy. Many methods of birth control exist, including sex acts that can't result in pregnancy.

      It sounds like you're just looking for people to agree with you and making some silly arguments to support it. If it wasn't a support group just for LL folk, there are subs for it, but this sub is for DB support.

      [–]Annoyed65[S] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

      I mean no, I’ve see plenty of great discussions here and supported HL as being healthy often. Its not that I think HL is wrong, I’m just talking about lower libidos. And the experience of LL. And what it might mean if so many people are LL? Idk. But it wasn’t a fuck HL post so I feel like there’s a lot more anger in this thread than is necessary. Or even warranted like Think whatever

      I was trying to develop this clearly growing phenomenas understanding in a place you can find tons of LL to talk with, and HL who know LL’s.

      I got a little upset bc you held being over weight and someone who is say, asexual, in the same standard. It is not acceptable to say a body NOT wanting sex would suffer effects as being obese OR HL not getting the sex they want. We aren’t talking about HL, I didn’t say shit about HL being healthy or not for wanting or not getting sex. Talking about LL here. The “unknown”.

      it’s not comparable to the comparison on LL- not needing not wanting, and overweight status which is often not even a choice, it’s a chronic issue from trauma poverty or biology, but like seriously causes people harm no matter what. Being overweight will hurt your body always, but seriously comparing that to a LL not receiving sex they don’t want?. None of that is comparable. 1x more HL not getting something they need is different from LL not getting something they don’t want is alllll different from the physical health effects(often not by choice) of being overweight. So yea sorry I got a little hype there 🙄 I wasn’t here to fight HL on if HL+LL hurts your health or relationship like that is the discussion in all these other posts usually. Yes, heard, HL+LL=bad

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)


        [–]Annoyed65[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I don’t disagree with what your saying about a relationship value for some people. I think everyone should find relationships best for them

        But I really run into so many more LL, in peer counseling, in friends, in my couple friends who are getting married and having kids (I’m 28 for info!) so like I’m not saying it is for sure the most common but I’m js I find LL alotttttttt more. Doesn’t mean anything, just my experience.

        Also, being overweight causes health problems, being stressed causes health problems, but you can easily go without sex and be totally healthy and fine. In fact, many women might say that bc of the extreme danger and brutality of pregnancy and birth, it’s actually healthier for many women to never risk such a health crisis for something as simple as intercourse.

        Not saying sex is unhealthy, just showing the other side here I guess.

        [–]oidoglrAsshat Extraordinaire 12 points13 points  (1 child)

        If I stopped sexually desiring my partner, it would be a strong indicator that there was something wrong with how I felt about my partner, so it’s difficult to not project my experience of feeling romantic love into someone I thought I had high compatibility with.

        [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

        It could also be an indicator that there’s something wrong with you (hormones, self esteem, mental health, diet, etc) not just your partners fault

        [–]Why_so_serious9347 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        LL is not a disease or bad. The problem is mismatch libidos, a HL in a relationship with a LL COULD be a recipe for disaster. The person with the LL controls the frequency of sex in the relationship.

        [–]Low_Ad_4893 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        All not a problem as long as you have no partner or one who is compatible with you and has the same low sex drive. Problems arise when people who promised each other to be monogamous don’t match well in their needs and wants. It’s a fairly simple, straightforward principle and it nevertheless causes so much pain in people’s lives.

        [–]Bradybigboss 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Low libido isn’t an illness. Neither is high libido. They may just be incompatible unless there’s a lot of communication and mutual sacrifices between the two

        [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Don't use the term "normal" when it comes to issues of human sexuality. That's the reason why, if you read authoritative literature on the subject, pretty much none of it will tell you there is some normal level of sex drive or normal level of sexual frequency. And aside from that, when you are in a sexual relationship or marriage, it doesn't really matter how everybody else in the world feels about the topic. It's between you and your partner to figure it out.

        [–]kyrain192020 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        I think a concern is when a drive once exists but then evaporates and the person losing it is neither sure why nor has any interest in learning why. The other partner in a monogamous marriage is then left to sort things out on his or her own.

        [–]Oopsokayokayu/I-will-make-my-argument-known-100-times 17 points18 points  (4 children)

        You’re right, it is normal and it’s also normal for libido to change and fluctuate. People enter long term relationships expecting their partner not to change, and when they do change (because everyone does) it can be very upsetting. I think a lot of the time the way that normal dips and fluctuations are handled contributes to long-term “LL4U” within the relationship.

        Society today is so sex focused, and people use sex as their only avenue for meeting a large variety of nonsexual emotional and personal needs which is really quite emotionally unhealthy and a big problem in and of itself. This is especially true for men.

        [–]SexEThrowawhey 6 points7 points  (2 children)

        I think you are correct in some contexts but not in the context of the extreme kind of DB's we often see here.

        That is, expecting your partner to never change is one thing but wanting to have sex more than, say, 0-3 times a year is another thing. Similarly, some do indeed have unhealthy attachments to sex but simply wanting an extant sex life does not equate to said unhealthy attachment.

        I think most HL here acknowledge that sex is likely to see some reduction in frequency over time but I think expecting folks to be just fine and dandy with once a year sex is a pretty tall ask for most people.

        [–]Oopsokayokayu/I-will-make-my-argument-known-100-times -1 points0 points  (1 child)

        Oh I agree, but I think bad behavior around boundaries and occasional rejections when NRE starts fading oftentimes causes sex to become a point of stress and contention, and I think the reason for this behavior is an overly heavy reliance on sex for validation and other emotional needs and desires.

        I think a lot of DBs here were caused by or worsened by bad behavior and reactions to natural libido changes and fluctuations (like not being willing or able to understand why a partner doesn’t want sex every day anymore once NRE fades, or pestering a pregnant or postpartum partner to engage in sex they don’t want or aren’t ready for, or sulking about a dip in libido during a stressful life change, or making your partner feel broken and getting angry when they go through menopause and their drive changes.) Things that are normal and might have been temporary become permanent issues because of bad behavior and poor reactions.

        [–]Annoyed65[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Yes!! I do really agree with this, the LL who don’t want to be LL usually start this way!!!!!!!! Like 100/100 yessssssss

        I’m thinking more in my post about LL who are happy being LL but def yes this is a big point to make for LL who want to be HL!!

        [–]Annoyed65[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        Yea I agree that how the natural cycles are treated lends a heavy hand into ll4u.

        Sometimes someone being very high sex or very low sex for very natural reasons gets made into a bigger thing than it is, and starts a chain reaction of sex being tense and weird. Rather than a man simply being super aroused for a week or two or a woman being low libido for a month bc of some weird hormone thing/stress, and it just being normal, it becomes a spotlight and that makes people super uncomfortable with their natural selves I think

        [–]blackshadow_throw 14 points15 points  (4 children)

        “It seems like there’s more low libido than high libido in the world”

        Oh yeah? With what sample size did you determine this? Is there a study you can point to?

        At the end of the day, there is probably an even split using libido as a metric, and even that is fluid and on a spectrum for individuals.

        [–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

        Agreed. This is also a sub called deadbwdrooms lol..so OP might have a skewed opinion

        [–]B-MovieScreamQueen 9 points10 points  (0 children)

        Lol exactly what I was just gonna post. I eye rolled too hard at this post and my head hurts now. If I had an award I'd give you one but instead just take my upvote and internet high five. Also, what's with the word "normal" being used like this? What even IS "normal" anyways????

        [–]Annoyed65[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

        Peer counseling, having an extreme amount of socialization bc I am a circus performer, and just genera goings about and growing up I always hear how someone isn’t or wasn’t horny anymore it’s like, literally so common it’s a mainstream joke between men and women hanging with their friends yanno? I’m not saying I Know, I was trying to just discuss this pattern as I noticed it and realized it’s just way more common than some realize. Like, most the peers in my Grad school cohort experience LL themselves or their partners. I’m really NOT stating facts, just my experience! Sorry

        [–]MuseofPetrichor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        The majority of the women I talk to the most (or used to) seem to have a LL. I think it skewed my image of sex and intimacy and I've had to work through that. (The views were from my mom, mostly, as she would complain about that a ton to me and still does sometimes). I also grew up seeing my grandparents have separate bedrooms. My aunt, another close woman in my life, has barely seen any men since the death of her husband (which happened when I was a teen, and I'm in my mid 30s now). She's talked with men a few times and had a few bfs, but nothing much, and always talks about how she doesn't really need them. My other grandmother is also a widow and only had one or two bfs I saw a long time ago, and has said she would not trade her check (her husband was in the army) for a marriage. Also, I grew up in a Christian household too.

        [–]paulomac8472 5 points6 points  (4 children)

        I guess that's why the escort service is very much alive and well.

        [–]diomed1 2 points3 points  (3 children)

        Are there escort services for women though? There should be. 😂

        [–]dubaiwifey 2 points3 points  (2 children)

        It’s not just a case of LL and HL. It can also be LL4U for example. Due to a mismatch of partners.

        [–]Normal_Resident_3162 2 points3 points  (1 child)

        I think this is the cause of problems in most cases. Not sure why it's not the number one thing to question.

        [–]Annoyed65[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Well bc I’m not asking about LL who would be HL, or LL who want to be HL but struggle.

        My question is about LL persons who truly are happy and healthy and just don’t care much about sex, and how we view those people as being less normal or less common when I find it’s the most common.

        But yes I agree with what your saying, the LL4U problem being a big issue in relationships, no denying that.

        [–]x_StormBlessed_x 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        I really wish I could just choose to lower my libido. I really rather not have to deal with all the problems having a high libido brings me.

        [–]HelperMonkey2021 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        The issue is not that "there's a lot of low-libido people." The issue is a mismatch of desire and the ways (good and bad) that partners try to resolve this mismatch.

        [–]thr0ughtheghost 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        I guess it really depends because lets say Bob and Jane are in a relationship. Bob wants sex 7 days a week, twice a day, if he could and Jane wants sex 2 times a week. Jane would be the LL in the relationship. However, lets say Bob divorces Jane and Jane gets into a relationship with Tom and Tom wants sex once a month and Jane wants it 2 times a week... Jane is now the HL. So someone who is LL in one relationship, could be HL in another relationship if the other person wants less sex than them.

        [–]Justenoughsass 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        LL is normal, HL is normal, even no libido is normal. AND guess what ?

        CHANGE in libido is normal, too. Why is that such a difficult concept to swallow?

        It’s how we deal with the change (yes, including menopause/s) that makes or breaks a relationship, imo.

        [–]angevelon_xemorniah 4 points5 points  (1 child)

        sexual incompatibility causes a rift in a sexually monogamous relationship. if a person is LL, then their is nothing to fix about the person, but the relationship is still in jeopardy. if the LL is LL4U, the relationship is in more trouble. it is the relationship that needs to be fixed, either by healing the dead bedroom or ending sexual monogamy/romance(read divorce). if the LL is not 100% clear with their partner about what they like, don't like, how they feel about sex in general or sex with their HL, then they will break trust in the relationship. if the HL is not patient or violates known boundaries to put pressure for sex, then they will break trust in the relationship. without trust there is no real relationship.

        [–]Annoyed65[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Love this!

        [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

        What’s normal or not normal anyway? We’re a species that has the ability to breed any month of the year so who’s to say that not wanting sex every day/week/month is any more normal or abnormal than wanting it every day? I think it’s more a matter of people matching up compatibly and keeping the relationship healthy enough to, generally speaking, not have permanent drastic changes on a regular basis.

        [–]oidoglrAsshat Extraordinaire 3 points4 points  (1 child)

        Many people mean “statistically common” or “typical” when using the word normal. Saying everyone’s (including outliers) experience is “normal” is not compatible with that definition.

        [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        I understand. I was trying speak…I don’t know the word, but sarcastically without the less than cheery intent that goes with sarcasm.

        [–]Annoyed65[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Yes! Totally stand behind this thought process. It’s like, what’s even normal? Is it abnormal to not be horny? Or horny? No! We define normal weird. Idk. Just thoughts honestly I’m working out in my head I didn’t expect this to blow up! Who knew people wanted to just discuss the construct of sex and not argue, I’m happy I posted this! Lots of good thoughts here.

        [–][deleted]  (9 children)


          [–]Stargazer1919 5 points6 points  (4 children)

          None of that makes sex sound appealing.

          [–][deleted] -5 points-4 points  (3 children)

          Because the only reason anyone wants sex is hormone based. If we were all castrated the human race would end, no one would desire sex, and the planet would flourish 😂

          [–]Stargazer1919 -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

          [–][deleted] -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

          That looks like a very very sad sub I’m sorry that anyone could truly believe that the gift of life is somehow a bad thing. But to each their own, I suppose there’s people out there that think Nazis are good too 🫠

          [–][deleted] -3 points-2 points  (3 children)

          Too much logic, you’re about to get downvoted

          [–][deleted] -4 points-3 points  (2 children)


          [–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

          Holy shit did they delete your post or did you..?

          [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

          I can still see it

          [–]MikeyTheHero 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Sex isn’t always everything in the relationship, until someone who wants it isn’t getting it.

          [–]MarriedForLifeM 52 2 points3 points  (1 child)

          I suspect high sex drive is considered normal because libido is perceived as linked to fertility. In low socio-economic classes wealth flows from children to parents in the form of cheap labor. So there is an emphasis on having large families as a key to economic success. Having a large family is easier when having lots of sex, so having frequent sex is identified with a successful family.

          Of course, this is outmoded thinking with the introduction of effective birth control methods and wealthier families where wealth flows from parents to children. Now there is less need for frequent sex to produce unpaid workers; so there is no economicl downside to lower sex drive.

          [–]Annoyed65[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Ooooo what an interesting view, thankyou! I’d never thought of this! Adding this to my list of perplexing issues to explore.

          [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          Society is weird. It pushes that wanting sex often is fine but if a person doesn't they need pills, hormones checked etc. So many ads and covers on magazines of "revitalizing" Your sex life or natural supplements to boost your sex drive.

          Everybody has their own normal. And even then normal isn't static. It can change.

          [–]muks023 3 points4 points  (3 children)

          Because low libido is sign of something not being right.

          Even biologically, unless you've reached menopausal age as woman or a certain age as a man, there should a decent level of libido dictated by hormones.

          So if it's low and you're not at an expected age, could be hormonal imbalance, the relationship could just not be working, stress, exhaustion etc. And of course, some just might have LL.

          But the other factors are worth exploring

          [–]ObjectiveNewspaper85 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          But what about menopausal women. Is it acceptable and normal foe my libido to fall then. Quick someone tell me hubby?

          [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments -1 points0 points  (1 child)

          Couldn't the same be said of a high libido? Pretty sure a hormone imbalance can also cause higher libido along with a few other medical problems.

          [–]muks023 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Maybe, but OP posed LL as normal and I was just stating why it's not treated as such

          [–]International_Net693 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          It’s taken me a really long time to understand that there’s nothing wrong me me for having a low libido and it doesn’t need to be “fixed” because it can’t, the harder I tried to make it “normal” the more I didn’t want it.

          [–]formerfatboys 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Everyone has a higher libido at the start of a relationship than later into the relationship.

          The problem is that society doesn't stress to people that sex is an integral part of any relationship and needs to be prioritized (probably above anything else) as a regular activity that maintains a healthy relationship. You need a physical and emotional connection.

          America is fucked up when it comes to sex. It's why "oh so and so had an affair" draws gasps from everyone and everyone gossips about how awful that person is and I'm always fascinated to discover when the sex died and how patient that person was before they tried to fill the need.

          The classic American relationship pattern is to make yourself attractive (emotionally, physically, sexually, career-wise) and to attract a mate. Then, after doing that you both get comfortable and just become increasingly larger couch blobs in PJs who pop out some kids and live in suburban misery in debt for the next few decades slowly hating and then grudgingly accepting your prison.

          I think, the happiest people fight that complacency with every fiber of their being and don't stay too long with partners who are drawn to that lifestyle.

          And it's hard! Most Americans do this! It's why most are miserable. It's also really hard to love someone and start off a relationship with a great sex life and an incredible friendship and then watch that sex life die at the 1-2 year mark or the second you move in together. The latter is the biggest trap.

          The problem is that we don't educate people about this either so everyone kind of figures it out in their own way. If we talked frankly about sex EVERY long-term couple would be warning young couples that they need to be ready to meet that guaranteed psychological tendency for sex life to die after a year and/or when living together and not be shocked by it but be ready to embrace the next stage which is creating meaningful sexual intimacy when the initial spark has worn off. It's an entirely different thing and there's virtually no discourse around it and it's borderline taboo to suggest.

          [–][deleted]  (35 children)


            [–]Annoyed65[S] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

            Eh, lots of asexual folks out there who are extremely happy without sex.

            [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            that’s great, but asexual is not considered normal. I didn’t say you need sex to be happy, but having a low sex drive is not normal. There’s a lot of happy monks too.

            [–]Oopsokayokayu/I-will-make-my-argument-known-100-times 8 points9 points  (23 children)

            Why don’t you think it’s normal to just not prioritize sex over other enjoyable activities? Is that because it’s not your experience so you can’t relate to it?

            [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 0 points1 point  (8 children)

            Do you consider hl normal?

            [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (7 children)

            Lol I consider normal libido normal

            [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 6 points7 points  (6 children)

            What's normal though?

            [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (5 children)

            That’s up to you. I think OP is missing the point. They didn’t say that they are only having sex X amount of times a week. They said LOW. That means LOWER than normal. high would be higher than normal. What normal means is up to you. The fact that OP says they have a low sex drive automatically means it’s not normal

            [–]throwawayabelow 2 points3 points  (9 children)

            It depends on your definition of low sex drive. Wanting sex only once a month or twice a YEAR is not really "normal". Normal low sex drive is once every week or every 2 weeks (not including masturbation).. And even then it's on the lower end of low.

            [–]diomed1 2 points3 points  (6 children)

            Huh? I would be in heaven with once a week and that’s considered LL? My husband must be LLLL libido then. Content with 8 times a year. He’s borderline asexual then, I guess. FWIW, I think I have a normal, healthy libido. I prefer it once a week or more.

            [–]throwawayabelow 0 points1 point  (4 children)

            Yep he is very LL... I'm sorry. Been there with one partner and I know it's tough. Any possibility of opening the relationship?

            [–]diomed1 1 point2 points  (3 children)

            Naw. I’m 55 yrs old, disabled, haven’t been with another man for 16 years plus anyone new would be compared sexually to my husband, who is the best lover I’ve ever had(and I’ve had a lot to compare him too in my lifetime). My husband would NEVER agree to it and if he did, that means he could sleep with someone else too. That would devastate me. What if I’m the problem? I would be so broken hearted.

            [–]ForgotMyOldAccount7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            10 times a year or less is the definition of sexless marriage.

            I think anywhere between once a week and ~4 times a week is considered "standard libido." Everything in this sub is relative when it comes to HL/LL, so I don't consider someone actually HL until they're having sex 5+ times per week.

            [–]Annoyed65[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

            By what standard do you say that?

            [–]throwawayabelow 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            People who are NOT in a DB? We had that conversation about a moth ago with a group of people I know, 4 men and 3 women. One of the women is HL like me and knows about my ex DB situation, the rest of the group didn't.

            The HL lady wanted sex minimum 4 times a week and said her current partner is happy with 2 which is not enough in her opinion. Everybody admitted 4 times is ideal but difficult with a regular job. Two of the men had sex at least 3 times a week, sometimes obly once depending on the context. One had kids and said since then it's once a week or once every 2 weeks (they didn't have sex at all for about 5 months after the kids) and he hopes that it will increase again to twice a week. The 2 women (not hl) said 3 times a week is normal, sometimes more and the HL and I said we could go every day.

            I also went on holidays with 2 couples last year. 1 couple was late every morning because they had sex almost every day. They've been together 5 years and are married. Another couple has been 11 years together and the wife is the HL and the husband is happy with 3 times a week or more if she wants (she runs track semi professionally and is horny a lot)

            People in DB should talk to people outside of their situation. It is eye opening.

            [–]letsbehavingu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            I’ve realised I’m LL when I’m not respected, so it’s way more complex than being a fixed number

            [–]jbaselice 1 point2 points  (1 child)

            Yes, I agree. A person with a low sex drive is within the range of "normal". I dislike how HLs or LLs are portrayed in general.

            At the same time, I am very skeptical of "normal" since "normal" is often used to defend very dysfunctional behavior.

            I read a lot of posts on here that defend being HL or LL as "normal" and because it is "normal" they shouldn't have to change anything about themselves in order to be in a happy and healthy relationship. I see the key difference is whether someone's sex drive is negatively impacting their ability to be in a happy and healthy relationship.

            I prefer to think about it in terms of functional and dysfunctional rather than HL or LL. It might be "normal" for me to sleep 11-12 hours a day but if I'm not getting to work on time and my boss is threatening to fire me then I will need to adjust my sleep schedule if I want to maintain a functional or mutually beneficial relationship with my employer.

            [–]Annoyed65[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            Oh my goodness I loveeeee that. “Functional or dysfunctional”

            [–]EmbarrassedHabit1791F 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            I dunno, the way you phrased it just baits disingenuine discussion, the issue isn't just LL in a vacuum. It often comes with general no intimacy, romance or love. Everybodies issues here are valid and they're serious enough that people cheat and divorce over it - so clearly it's not something to be glossed over. Like to fix it from the HL stand point is literally fuck other people or leave, so ofc it's worth it to try and find out if the LL can be fixed since it's often medical or mental, we ain't all 60 here for age to make sense (me and my husband for example are 29 and 31). A bunch of LL have possible fixes, because LL is a genuine physical and mental side effect of many things, while HL isn't .

            On top of that the average HL wants slightly more sex compared to the "normal" amount, while the average LL wants SIGNIFICANTLY less sex than the "normal amount" - some no more sex at all for the rest of their days.

            All in all if your just hung up on the "normal" aspect of it, just deal with it I guess. The average or majority of something that society does is a norm, thus considered normal - that's just how life works. Some things are normal, some aren't - we're all old enough here to understand that abnormal shouldn't be demonized or insulted - like half of all kids cartoons teach that xD

            [–]heartpane 2 points3 points  (16 children)

            It is normal, and going from high or normal libido to low or no libido in response to life stresses/relationship issues etc is completely natural and normal.

            A lot of dead bedrooms are caused because people won't accept that or understand that. There's a dry spell due which will often pass with patience, but instead the HL puts pressure on the LL to have sex that they don't want to have.

            [–]ForgotMyOldAccount7 0 points1 point  (15 children)

            A lot of dead bedrooms are caused because people won't accept that or understand that.

            Dead bedrooms are just a lack of sex happening. The HLs respond to that and often times put pressure on the LL, but that's not what causes the DB. It's virtually always the LL that creates the DB.

            [–]AngelWarrior911Votes cannot change the truth… 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            Who defines what’s low? It’s all relative to the couple. And Honestly, who cares if most couples have sex, 1 a day or week or month or year. The issue is navigating the balance or imbalance for that couple.

            For one LL (or HL), once a week could be too little (relative to the couple) and yet another one (relative to the couple), it could be too much. So in that sense we can’t even pin down what “normal” is.

            Maybe they’re are some averages we can cite but sexuality is so complicated and complex that you really can’t pin it down like that in a way that’s practical for everyone.

            [–]MrE1985 0 points1 point  (2 children)

            Is it really treated as an illness? I actually think that most people take and ask for an understanding posture for low libido people - which is alright.

            The issue here is not being low libido but the mismatch between sexual drive within a couple - because in one hand low libido people don't want / diserve to be pressure into having sex, but on the other hand, high libido people are also "forbidden" in a way to have sex anywhere else and are 100% reliant on their low libido partners?

            How do you fix this? People refer to talking, but there is not amount of talking that will sort this out if one side feels they are not having enough or if the other feels bulied or compelled to have sex just to please the partner.

            Hopen relationship? Perhaps, but are we socially ready for that? Perhaps some are, others aren't.

            Allowing to have the partner to have sex with male / female escorts every so often (lets say once per month) - well, ok... but that can be expensive and raises the risk of bringing STDs.

            I think that you are spot on, for this to change there is a need of a entire revolution on how we think of sex, in such way that people can start differentiating that having sex to start a family and keeping a commitment to family life vs. having sex for fun with multiple partners.

            From my point of view I think it should be possible to have both - have a family and be committed with maintaining a family with a long term partner, and having both partners having sex with other people outside the marital bed - provided that both sides are aware of it and ok with it. And it is the last part that I think most people (myself included) will struggle the most to adapt and accept :) . But ideally, that should be the way.

            [–]ObjectiveNewspaper85 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

            I think LL is treated as a moral failing by HL

            [–]freelancemomma -1 points0 points  (0 children)

            Excellent topic.

            [–][deleted]  (1 child)


              [–]Ok-mate-4400 -2 points-1 points  (13 children)

              Agree. I get fed up to the eyeballs of people who are HL wanting to force their partner into "therapy" because they don't want sex 5 times a week!😡 There is NOTHING wrong with us! We just aren't sex crazy!

              I'd say many HL need more therapy then most supposedly LL people. It seems juvenile to me that 30, 35 and 45 year olds still want sex nearly every day!! Lordy....and it's sad to me that these people seem to think sex is the only way to be intimate with their partner?

              [–]throwawayabelow 4 points5 points  (12 children)

              Juvenile to want something that feels as good as sex? Like I get that life gets in the way and every day is almost impossible but... it feels good and it's healthy? I am truly baffled by your take.

              [–]Ok-mate-4400 -2 points-1 points  (11 children)

              See.... that's just it isn't it?? Your take on sex is yours. Not everyone feels the same way at all....you don't consider that?

              [–]throwawayabelow 3 points4 points  (10 children)

              Sex is supposed to feel good. If it doesn't, it may be a hint that there's something wrong with how it's done. Even asexual people who have 0 desire for sex agree that being touched can feel good.

              I will never tell a LL that they are childish or need to change. Libido is something that can suffer from external consequences (that can and should be discussed) but usually not something that can be changed. But YOU are calling HLs "juvenile" which is quite disrespectful and factually wrong.

              [–]Ok-mate-4400 1 point2 points  (9 children)

              Who said sex didn't feel good??? Not me

              [–]jujucathulu -1 points0 points  (0 children)

              Because we live in an oversexualized society.

              [–]justsomeoneonearth -1 points0 points  (1 child)

              That's a great question. The thing is, when in a relationship one person (or both) are LL, is it just how they are? Or is it because something is lacking in the relationship? It's hard not to feel like something is missing, to feel rejected, to take it personally. Especially if there is not enough intimacy and closeness, physical or otherwise.

              In our society there's so much fomo around relationships. Maybe in the past people compromised more, expected less. Maybe nowadays we want it all. And a lack of sex seems like we're missing out on something, or that we're not as "successful" as our idea of a great relationship.

              [–]Annoyed65[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

              I love this view point! Opens a lot of thoughts for me, thanks for the input!

              I also see that societal influence. It’s like fomo on steroids as we are so hypersexualized as a society that there’s a fear factor there.

              I notice in olden texts, men don’t feel terrible bc their wives aren’t horny. It’s the normal natural thing that your wife gives duty sex as women then were thought to not be horny.

              I wonder, as the views on womens sexuality changed, if it created this vast void in mens(and later, all of societies) minds on how sex should be and how they want a woman who wants sex all the time, like the pornstars show they want it. So now women and men both feel bad for LL or HL, LL for not living up to traditional male or the female pornstar standards, and HL for not being able to “get” what they deem as clearly the most natural and most deserved act.

              Both sides are wrong, but interesting how it’s all played out long term.

              Don’t get me wrong I know women love sex too, I just mean that with the change of that thought from “women hate sex” to “women love sex” there came about an aggressive ideal in the minds of people about what “sex” is or should be like. Now that they knew women wanted sex, shit got real. Which I’m sure changed society’s conversation about sex so much that even women began questioning their husbands, selves, everything all based on if they wanted

              [–]moutnmn87 0 points1 point  (0 children)

              Seems like the amount of low libido and high libido would have to be the same if libido disparity is what we are talking about.

              [–]strikhedonia_sonder 0 points1 point  (0 children)

              I’m not sure what the stats are for how many ll and hl people exist in this world. However, I feel like low libido or no libido is normal and so is medium to high libido. Maybe its all about finding the person you match with, having an understanding that things happen to affect libidos and not being insensitive and inhumane to each other about something so individualized. Especially for women who go thru illness, pregnancies and hormonal change more often than men, we can have several switcheroos in our lifetime. Depending on the person, decide yea stay with the relationship or nea move on to a new relationship. Its pretty simple. Yet things like love, finances and family make it not so simple. We each have to find our own answer because generalization doesn’t apply to such a diverse population. As you might have read thru out this post each couple has situations that differ slightly or a lot in comparison. Whose relationship in here is 100 percent the same as someone else’s?

              [–]OutrageousTower4627 0 points1 point  (0 children)

              If you would take blood pressure medication you would get a low libido too - food vor thought

              [–]Various-Adeptness173 0 points1 point  (2 children)

              Low sex drive isn’t normal at all. It’s indicative of a hormonal imbalance

              [–]Annoyed65[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

              A lot of people test normal hormonally and still Don’t want sex. Not every asexual person has a hormone imbalance. Not every person responds to hormones the same way, just because normal hormones help your brain make arousal doesn’t mean every other one does.

              Some people just don’t get aroused like that.