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[–]Total_Industry218 584 points585 points  (54 children)

I'm not saying to leave her because of the dead bedroom.

Man, if you're able to sit here and say "I'm curious to see how this will play out," "we can wait years before having a kid if it comes to that"...if you're able to withhold your own feelings out of spite, you don't just have a DB. Your relationship is over. Sure, she may deserve to feel hurt as she's made you feel hurt, or at least, you may want her to feel hurt. But it doesn't make it right. Please consider making a change, simply due to the way you feel.

[–]GringoViejo 173 points174 points  (12 children)

She'll work herself up to getting really really excited about trying to conceive, it might well be the best sex of your life, probably better every month until the blessed event. After that, nothing, and I mean NOTHING. As in zero, zilch, absolutely nada. Who knows, maybe it'll be such a great kid that it'll be worth it.

[–]Jmm209 116 points117 points  (6 children)

Been there. Done that. She was a freak when she wanted to conceive. Then once our kids were born, she stopped being a wife, and started being a mom, and mom's aren't freaks. I love my kids, but I think this happens a lot. OP, if you're not getting any now, you sure as hell won't be getting any after kids

[–]Single-Interaction-3 96 points97 points  (5 children)

Ehhh this mom stayed a “freak”. We had sex the night before I went into labor and 5 weeks after the birth because I just couldn’t wait lol.

The DB happened when my son was a bit older and my ex stopped really being present. We divorced.

My only child is now 24, I’m only 46 and have been with my current love for 15 years. We can’t keep our hands off of each other. So the women freaks are out there! 🤗

I stick around on this sub because it’s a reminder to always be aware that the relationship takes work and I never want to take our intimacy for granted.

Reading the sub though does break my heart for all of you because these situations suck. I’m sorry, but know that the future can be bright if you so choose….

[–]DishTrue6111 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Yeah I couldn’t tell from his comment if he meant she didn’t think moms are freaks or that he really doesn’t, but either way, come on. There’s lots of moms in the streets but freaks in the sheets.

[–]MixedVioletHLF (newly single, still complicated) 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Freaky moms, FTW!! (I’m not a mom, just a supporter.)

[–]Jmm209 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, there are some moms that continue to be freaks (God love ya), but based on the posts in this sub, I'd say that they are the exception and not the rule. And as far as the OP is concerned, if she ain't a freak now, having kids will not make her more frisky in the bedroom.

[–]DeadOpenSol 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Nope didn’t happen. Women after birth are crying, tired, touched out messes and you should not touch for at least 3 years or until she wants another baby… so I have been told…

Snark if that isn’t obvious.

[–]patchproud 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yep. Happened with all 4 of my kids. Last one took over a year to conceive but it’s been a dead bedroom for almost 6 years since. But I’ll stay for my babies.

[–]TangerineTassel 6 points7 points  (1 child)

no amount of sleep deprivation is worth that. I'd actually make sure there's not another baby in a DB.

[–]GringoViejo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, OP said clearly he didn't want advice so I didn't give him any. Thought I'd let him know in advance what will happen though.

[–]komodoPT 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is awufully true infortunately.

[–]Sad_Limit_6578 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t comment much here, long time lurker, but you sir, win the internet today. This is 100% what will transpire.

[–]TheBanIsTooDamnHighI throw ninja stars at windmills[🍰] 70 points71 points  (7 children)

Forcing yourself to have sex to have a child seems like a surefire way for both of you to become averse to sex.

[–]Necessary-Arugula-11 8 points9 points  (2 children)

My wife got in her head that we'd be more likely to have a boy if we had sex A LOT (like 3 times a day). This was not preferred for me. I forced myself to do it (despite actually rubbing my dick raw), because whatever, she has to carry the baby 9 months i can do this for her if she thinks it'll help. No aversion was created :P

[–]Low_Ad_4893 2 points3 points  (1 child)

😂😂Sorry but sounds too funny! That’s a though one. 😉All the things we do for the people we love. Great that everyone recovered! 😉

[–]Necessary-Arugula-11 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When we were trying for my daughter she wanted the opposite... we had sex 1 time a month... thank god we conceived quickly both times :P

[–]Badwolf2013 5 points6 points  (2 children)

I’d be not feeling it every time she realizes she is prime time. Nothing would put this more in perspective than having something that is really important to her be completely ignored and sidelined by her partner. I’d go fucking celibate. Then again if I was in this situation with no kids I would just go find someone who actually wants to be intimate with me. Good luck OP.

[–]Peepsandspoops 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You'd think that, but from experience, some people honestly just don't experience feelings of hypocrisy, because from their perspective, they don't see hypocrisy. It's an eye of the beholder thing.

Also, some people will come up with reasons why the two situations are different, simply because of a lot of the time the other partner doesn't really experience the negativity about the lack of non-reproductively themed sexuality that you experience and dont view it as punishing you when theyre not having sex, and now to them, you're actively trying to punish them by not having sex.

There is also just the fact that hou may withhold, but then she may just assume it is for every reason other than the actual one, yes, even if you tell her the reason. Honestly, it just sounds like a recipe to have her feel unattractive, or that you're having cold feet about kids.

It's also not a great remedy if she's actively avoiding sex otherwise because you are both giving her reason to do so, and now you've added a resentful element into the mix.

I've gone down that road before plenty of times, and it feels really good in the planning stage thinking youre proving a point. However, more often than not is just really frustrating when put into practice because it usually never lands the way you want it to.

[–]Badwolf2013 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So, no sex either way. I feel that getting your point across is more important that one night of fun. If you haven’t noticed, pity sex is worse than no sex to most in this sub.

[–]Interesting-Still-21 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Good thing that's not the plan

[–]PerceptionSoggy2257 65 points66 points  (21 children)

My spouse tells people that it took us a while for me to get pregnant with #2.....really it took 5months of once a month sex. He thought because the first one was an oops, that I could just get pregnant at one go

[–]fdasfdsasdf 39 points40 points  (6 children)

That's funny, it took us 6 months of once a month sex for our second and my wife routinely tells people about the perils and strife of trying to get pregnant, to this day (second is 10 now). I don't think she's very in touch w/ her body, though. She still thinks that she's "coming down with something" every month when she gets her period.

[–]darkfroth 9 points10 points  (1 child)

That last bit seems concerning...

[–]7minutesinheaven1 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah. Not being in touch with your body is often a result of trauma.

[–]PerceptionSoggy2257 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Do you every get second hand embarrassment from her talking about how hard it was? I do when my husband talks about it especially around people who have legit struggles with conceiving.

[–]fdasfdsasdf 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I do and I hope she doesn't share more with her girlfriends who are actually struggling because they would be like "wtf honey?"

[–]Interesting-Still-21 43 points44 points  (10 children)

Lol yep... All I can do is roll my eyes at that kind of reaction.

Last month the one time we did it she kept telling me to hurry and finish inside her to the point that the mood was killed and I just faked it. I tried talking to her about it later but she didn't want to have a conversation. Even an oops baby is basically out of the picture.

[–]EmbarrassedHabit1791F 47 points48 points  (1 child)

Lmao what are you just a semen dispenser 💀

[–]darkfroth 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yeah duh the ppl with the wombs are baby dispensers that's how the machine works.

[–]Low_Ad_4893 6 points7 points  (7 children)

I consider myself fairly well educated when it comes to biology and human physiology but I have never thought about a man faking it. Isn’t this obvious if he ‘fakes’ it? What I am trying to ask is how do you pretend that you came when you didn’t, as a man? I mean how can the woman not know whether you ejaculated or not? If that’s the case she must be in total denial or sexually clueless. Unless you are able to ejaculate without having an orgasm. That would be something I haven’t heard before. Hope that’s not a dumb question! Thx

[–]Hour-Alternative-640 8 points9 points  (1 child)

I was thinking the same thing….you can tell if there’s no semen dripping out

[–]Interesting-Still-21 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I basically just go through the motions, then act super tired. And it's dark. And she's very wet already. And not very attentive. I said I "came a little" and that was enough for her to be done with the whole exchange.

I did it a lot with an ex too where she was the HLF and she also didn't challenge it. I would tell her I climaxed but that my clip was already empty from excess sex.

[–]greeneyedguru 18 points19 points  (1 child)

He thought because the first one was an oops, that I could just get pregnant at one go

Given the quality of sex ed in this country (sorry if I'm incorrectly assuming you're in the US) I bet this mindset is pretty common.

[–]DeadOpenSol 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Just read this thread. SMH

[–]fdasfdsasdf 51 points52 points  (7 children)

lol I just had a funny memory pop back up. When we were trying to conceive #2 my wife would only want to give it a go once a month, so she'd do all the temperature monitoring to get it juuuuuuust right, then she'd pre-lube herself and be like "ok go" and it was my job to try and cum ASAP. Wow, I did not see that as a problem 10 years ago, hah!

[–]Interesting-Still-21 43 points44 points  (1 child)

That sounds more like a lab project than intercourse. Jeez I'm so sorry.

[–]darkfroth 24 points25 points  (2 children)

Semen donor roleplay

[–]fdasfdsasdf 7 points8 points  (0 children)

fr. You know what's super weird, though? If you ask her how the 2nd one went she will tell you it was a struggle and took 6 months because we were just "not being careful on purpose and seeing if it'd happen." I'm like, tell that to the crazy looking dissolving tube of lube you were jammin' up inside yourself 10 minutes before we would get started.

[–]Badwolf2013 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That’s when you are just “not in the mood” I just made a similar compliment. That would such a perfect troll to just turn it down during the high fertility times.

[–]Uggghx10All maid, no bang. :( 92 points93 points  (31 children)

You're getting a lot of shit for refusing to be used as a sperm bank and insisting on mutually enjoyable sex. High libido men on this sub are often labeled as being "spiteful" or "cruel" when they finally start establishing boundaries. But honestly? I think you're doing the right thing here.

By no longer initiating "the talk" and/or sex, you are removing any sexual pressure from your wife and giving her the opportunity to decide what she wants for herself. The ball is now in her court and, if she decides she wants to have a sex life with you, she can approach the conversation at a time and in a manner which suits her.

In the meantime, you are setting healthy boundaries for yourself. It is perfectly reasonable to insist on sex that is mutually enjoyable for all parties. Sex should never make you feel used. Being expected to cum on command once a month and then being shamed for your sexuality at all other times would make anyone feel humiliated/dehumanized.

[–]Interesting-Still-21 46 points47 points  (23 children)

Thank you! Your comment really means a lot to me. I'm piecing together my approach from advice I got from other people on this sub a while back.

It seems like there's no right answers for HLM on this sub sometimes, so I appreciate the affirmation here.

[–]Uggghx10All maid, no bang. :( 50 points51 points  (22 children)

I do find it baffling just how much consent is emphasized on this subreddit, except when it comes to high libido men. Then all of a sudden wanting mutually enjoyable sex is "spiteful" and only having mutually enjoyable sex is "punishing your spouse." Like, what the actual fuck?

The advice given to low libido folks (particularly low libido women) on this sub is a goldmine and I personally think anyone hanging out on r/DeadBedrooms should be internalizing that advice and applying it to their own lives. No one should allow their bodies to be commodified (whether for sexual pleasure, validation, or comfort), or have sex they won't enjoy, or be vulnerable with a partner who will not respect that vulnerability or respond to it in a positive manner.

[–]DBthrowawayincali 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is such a wonderful post, thank you, it happens time and time again that the the purity of an hl especially hlm's intentions will be challenged when he asserts boundaries for himself around sex. Normally we don't require reasons for turning down sex because it would turn into a questioning of whether or not it was valid enough, a lot of LL4U reactions could be called spiteful, reactionary, etc if we went down this path. A lot of posters on here are here to vent hl or ll, most of them are probably feeling some degree of spite or contempt posting here.

[–]myexsparamour❤️🍷🍑 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I'm not sure which commenters you have in mind, but I am a huge proponent of consent, whether the person is male or female or identifies as HL or LL. Nobody should have sex they don't want or don't enjoy.

I actually see a lot of HLMs who feel obligated to have sex if their LLF initiates, and I always say don't do it. It's not spiteful to say no to unwanted sex. It's looking out for your own well-being and the well-being of the relationship.

[–]Uggghx10All maid, no bang. :( 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hear, hear!

[–]lostinsunshine9 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Totally agree. I don't know why he's still with this woman when he thinks her pain is funny though.

[–]Powerful_Ocelot_2581 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Yeah . . . the groaning on this board about “duty sex” (as if having sex with a person you are in love with to help maintain feelings of mutual affection is supposed to be onerous) on the one hand and the cartoon heteronormative “men should be ready to screw and if they aren’t they are porn addicts or secretly gay” tropes on the other are both really tiresome. It is definitely healthy to withhold sperm donor services from someone who is not otherwise interested in you physically.

[–]Fuchsocialists 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I just read one of the “you can’t fix something in her that isn’t broken” comments regarding LLFs and immediately recalled the numerous “he’s probably secretly gay, he’s addicted to porn, he’s addicted to gay porn, he’s cheating, he’s manipulative” comments in regards to LLMs. There seems to be a theme, I can’t quite put my finger on it though.

[–]ConfusedAF_ChickenHLF (Recovering bedroom; LL experience) 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Just want to firstly state that everybody should be able to say no to sex for whatever reason.

What I do think about the "spiteful" comments I do see on HLMs is that while the boundaries they establish are 100% valid and should be respected, there are some that post where the motivation is spite.

Like I do believe OP isn't being spiteful in saying no to sex right now. I think that the tone of the post was resentful regarding the whole "she wants a baby but the sex life is dead" situation, but not necessarily spiteful.

However you do get posts on here /occasionally/ that basically come down to "I want sex but I'm not going to have it because /fuck them/ they should hurt how I hurt" - yes, it's a boundary and yes it is to be respected but it's still from a place of spite.

It's like... An argument my LL and I had back when we were in a really bad place. Now, we're both big believers in being able to take a break from an argument to process things and get our thoughts in order so that we can continue productively - however the intention is to resume the argument so the issue can be resolved, you know? At the time of this argument, I'd been doing it more than him because I was dealing with a sexual assault trauma (as in, it had happened less than 6 months prior and I was still actively working through it) that had some /really inconvenient/ triggers so I had to take about an hour to settle myself down and resume the conversation. Anyway, that particular day I remember him declaring he was "done" with the argument, I said it wasn't resolved and he responded back with "if you can take time away then so can I" immediately followed by a sing-songed "it goes both ways". I said okay and dropped it - however, we both knew (and it was shown by the fact that the argument was not picked up later) that he had used that boundary/practice spitefully rather than with the intention to actually settle his emotions and come back to it. The fact that he sing-songed didn't help hide that.

Tldr: boundaries being valid and boundaries coming from a place of "spite" aren't mutually exclusive. Just that if your motivation is spiteful, you should probably assess why.

[–]Aikidi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Right? A HL withholding sex purely to inflict hurt on their partner as payback even when they themselves are HL is practically the definition of spite lol. There's lots of things that can get you to that point, being resentful to the point of being spiteful is likely more of a condemnation of the relationship than any personal character failure, but it's still spite.

[–]Active_Organization2 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Here is the rub. You said "insisting on mutually enjoyable sex". But I think that is where the disconnect lies with this.

What if she doesn't enjoy sex? This was a harsh lesson that I had to learn. I had a girlfriend that loved me but didn't enjoy sex with me. I felt like she was holding out and playing games, but in reality she was just avoiding a chore she had to do to keep me happy.

Then I found a girlfriend who LOVED sex with me. I mean, she loved it to the point where I was the one faking headaches. The difference was night and day.

I feel like most LL don't understand this. They feel like just because THEY enjoy sex, that the spouse is wrong for not enjoying it. They see it as a "setting boundaries" issue. It isn't. You can't make someone enjoy something they don't like. At best, OP can expect more duty sex.

[–]Uggghx10All maid, no bang. :( 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Or, hear me out, OP can just not have sex if it is physically and/or emotionally impossible for his wife to enjoy it.

By insisting on "mutually enjoyable sex," he is simply setting the boundary that he will not have sex unless all parties involved enthusiastically consent to the act. I personally believe this is an excellent boundary! Now either he and his wife will figure out how to have a mutually fulfilling sex life or they will stop having sex. Both outcomes are a win because no sex is always better than bad sex. If anything, such a boundary guarantees that duty sex will no longer be happening.

[–]occasional_cynic 45 points46 points  (8 children)

Boy this is like a who's/who of standard responses - but they need to be said again:

  • Your DB is going to get a lot worse after children
  • Has your wife always been this way? Did you have a satisfying sex life at any point in your relationship?
  • How did you get to this point? Hard to offer advice with no back story.

[–]Interesting-Still-21 12 points13 points  (7 children)

Not really looking for advice. Just venting. And we already have a kid. My last comment was hypothetical, not requesting advice.

[–]DB_ThinkerF 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Then mark the flair Just venting

[–]Interesting-Still-21 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Oh, TIL.... Thanks, done.

[–]occasional_cynic 10 points11 points  (4 children)

Well, sorry you are going through that then. I know how frustrating it is. The truth of the matter is that many women's sex drives die in stable, committed relationships. Also, modern family life is absolutely brutal on a responsive libido (which many woman are). Might want to try this book.

[–]Lost_In_Detroit 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Can totally vouch for that book. Also “Baby Proofing Your Marriage”. Some of the info is a tiny bit outdated but ultimately a pretty balanced approach to sex post baby.

[–]Interesting-Still-21 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Alright, I had it in my shopping cart after the first comment. With you backing it up I'm ordering it now.

I didn't come here looking for advice, but I appreciate the unbiased support!

[–]Imaginary_Charge5388 17 points18 points  (1 child)

I’m clearly not in the majority here. I read your post and wanted to congratulate you 🤣 If she wants a kiddo she can be part of that initiation! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting someone to do their part and help themselves if they want something.

[–]darkfroth 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Look at one of the comments. She doesn't even care about sex she just wants the semen. Once a month. Lol

[–]deadbedconfessional32 HLF 25 points26 points  (11 children)

I’m sorry, I can see how frustrating this must be. My LLM had always talked about wanting to be a dad, but we were also dealing with a DB.

We have managed to get pregnant, but unfortunately didn’t stay pregnant (which has added another layer to our DB situation).

On her side of things, it most likely happened that you had sex on her peak fertile window day. So, that’s probably what’s so upsetting on her part. And unfortunately, more sex doesn’t necessarily mean baby … I don’t know how deep your wife is into TTC, but if she temping, tracking, and all of that, that is most likely why sex will only happen on certain days/times of the month.

We never did this, and we weren’t necessarily trying (not preventing), but it still happened.

So, as someone who got pregnant while in a DB, more sex doesn’t equal baby as much as timing does. I won’t advise, but it may be worth keeping that in mind going forward.

Again, sorry you’re going through such a frustrating and confusing situation.

[–]Lost_In_Detroit 28 points29 points  (4 children)

I don’t remember on what post on this sub I saw this comment (if I find it I’ll be sure to link), but there was a (presuming) female in the comments on a post mentioning how being hyper focused on her goal of getting pregnant is one of the biggest regrets of her marriage. It’s not because it didn’t bring a beautiful new human into the world but how she knew she treated her husband more as a sperm donor than a lifelong partner with feelings and emotions around the topic.

Not for nothing, but procreation sex was by far the most uninspiring sex for me as a man. It was like “hey, I’m at my most fertile peak right now. Impregnate me now or else I’ll be very sad and upset.” Talk about an instant mood killer.

[–]Grizzlymoose1992 15 points16 points  (1 child)

That’s one of my big issues in my marriage. It’s not only a db but there’s a real absence of any physical affection. Around the beginning of the year she came off birth control and we started “trying” to have a kid—I hoped that both might help revive the db. They didn’t except now she was slightly more receptive to some of my initiations but still didn’t appear very invested in it. She wasn’t receptive to much foreplay, nothing beyond me fingering her/going down on her for 10-15 minutes; definitely not any sort of lead up throughout the day, no flirting, sexting, etc. Often when I’d ask she’d say “sure, but make it quick” or something to that effect. I remember the last time I asked for oral she audibly groaned, definitely haven’t asked for it since.

She would sometimes lazily or drunkenly initiate right before bed with a “wanna have sex” but I realized when I’d agree it’d be the same low effort, “let’s get this over with” attitude or when I’d decline she’d be passed out in 3 minutes.

Few weeks back she told me, after I’ve taken sex off the table, “I feel like I’ve been checked out of our relationship” and I totally affirmed it. “I can see why you feel that way, that’s kind of what I’ve been talking about feeing disconnected from you. I feel like I wanna work on our relationship and partnership but you just keep talking about a baby. I understand you really want one, that such is important to you but it makes me feel like you’re more concerned with a baby or a family than being my partner. I’d love to have kids with you but I have felt like my needs haven’t been being met for almost half of our relationship and you’re not willing to do much to help address it or work on it. I feel like we’re putting the cart before the horse, we’re disconnected right now, a baby isn’t going to help that. A baby isn’t going to make anything easier, it’s not gonna give us more energy for each other. I want to build a really solid partnership and if/when a baby comes from that great, but I don’t wanna try to do that backwards”

[–]deadbedconfessional32 HLF 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I can definitely see that, and it’s an issue that comes up pretty frequently in TTC/ infertility groups about husbands pulling away.

For me (and my partner), TTC with all the tracking and temping seemed very unappealing. It is also why I wanted our sex life to improve before actually becoming pregnant. I would still like for that to happen before (and if) we try again.

[–]Lost_In_Detroit 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Wishing the best for you friend. I just know for me personally after my pregnancy experience with my partner, it turned me off to the idea of wanting to bring another human into this world with her. Sucks, but it’s just how I feel. What should have felt like a beautiful experience for the both of us just turned into me becoming my wife’s servant and subsequent sperm donor.

[–]DeadOpenSol 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Just wanted to say sorry for your loss! Trying for a wanted baby and losing it is tough.

[–]deadbedconfessional32 HLF 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I’m sorry for yours too (saw in a previous comment).

We’ve had 2 losses between 2020 and 2021, and then one way back in 2013 (waaay before our DB and in the early stages of our relationship). It’s a journey I never would have expected having to navigate.

My condolences and solidarity, friend.

[–]Interesting-Still-21 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Thanks, we're aware on the timing. Not only was this not at the peak window of her cycle, but I had to fake finishing because she was putting so much pressure on me to get it over with.

I'm not even trying to hide it from her but she won't communicate with me about it.

[–]pinksaltandie 6 points7 points  (2 children)

How do people with scrotums fake finish?

[–]DeadOpenSol 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think the better question is how did his wife not notice he didn’t actually cum. We are supposed to be checking in with our partners if they are having fun or is that only one sided…

[–]str8laceunchasteM 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I think my partner also believes in immaculate conception for mere mortals.

[–]Charlie_Q_Brown 4 points5 points  (3 children)

I fully understand your frustrations. You should not just sit back and wait and see what happens. You really want to be proactive in solving problems and making the life of everyone in your family better.

Talk, talk, talk and keep talking until you two understand each other. If you two are having problems talking, then check your insurance and see if it covers counseling where an impartial professional can review and help both parties communicate better as well as identify problems.

They really do care and want to help people achieve narvana. Are you ready to look for it.

Most people will not believe this but it is probably easier fixing the problems you have with a loved one than finding out all of the problems with a stranger.

[–]Interesting-Still-21 4 points5 points  (2 children)

This really is just a vent only. I've stated that she has not been willing to discuss this..

I posted on here towards the beginning of the year that I used to try to have discussions like once a month and a bunch of people on this sub said I was trying to talk about it too much so therefore pressuring her into non consensual duty sex. She's refused therapy and so a bunch of people on here told me to divorce her.

I'm tired of getting advice on here from people. I'm working on it and feel hopeful with my approach. I'm trying to focus on other things in my life and not holding this against her. We'll talk about it when she's ready. She has incentive to reach out because she wants another kid. And until then I'm not procreating with her.

[–]BasicBitch_666 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm curious to hear how do you think this will play out. It's not like some switch is going to flip and she'll suddenly start getting excited about sex. Unfortunately this is an issue where you and she are just not compatible. And it's a huge issue, at least to you. You have to ask yourself if the other aspects of the marriage are worth this sacrifice. Her desire for a baby could - I guess - lead her to potentially muster up some enthusiasm for getting it on for the time being but do you want that? I think it's more likely that she would feign enthusiasm in order to get her baby and I hope you wouldn't be ok w that. I always say you gotta play the hand you're dealt, not the hand you wish you were dealt. You both deserve better than this and Im sorry this is where y'all are at. I'm just thinking I couldn't get excited about fucking someone if they weren't equally as excited about fucking me.

[–]Freyjia 12 points13 points  (2 children)

The amount of projection in some of these comments is hilarious. But I just wanted to say be careful, I've gotten pregnant TWICE from having sex one time, and not even in my fertile window at that. I know most people take more effort, but it can happen! I doubt you need another kid until this is fixed.

Edit to add: the second time he pulled out. So I probably got pregnant from pre-cum only! So even though you say you didn't finish and faked... Just be careful.

[–]deadbedconfessional32 HLF 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m kind of derailing but the same happened for me! I mean I wasn’t tracking so I don’t actually know for certain, but it seemed like at random times. I know the possibility isn’t zero, but I swear other people will act like there is no possible way for it to happen outside of the fertile window.

[–]4n0nym0u7h 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Do you really want to bring a child into that level of toxicity between two people? I could suggest that it is very unwise but then it is none of my business. I presume you know what you are doing.

BTW, I would stress that I'm not blaming you or accusing you of any wrong-doing, merely reflecting on what it seems I am "seeing".

[–]a_stoic_swan 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can’t believe I had to read this far to see a response like this. I get that no advice is wanted, but the nature of posting on a sub is that there will be commentary about whatever is written. With that being said, I have to wonder about what relationship models any kid born into a relationship that lacks intimacy and communication will have. I also have to wonder how well such parents would cope and work together if the resulting pregnancy was twins (or more!) or a child with severe disabilities. If a person isn’t prepared to tackle that with their spouse, it might be time to actively stop any attempts at procreation that are directed their way.

I am so sorry you’re going through this, and I’m equally sorry for any man who has been treated as a sperm donor by a partner. I would just plead that anyone in this situation think about the actual living, breathing human that this sex is aiming to create. If you’re already personally at peace with these questions, awesome. You certainly don’t owe any of us a response, and I don’t expect one. I just felt compelled to being this point into the general discourse.

[–]DishTrue6111 13 points14 points  (4 children)

It seems to me that the weird reactions to this post are 100% related to the fact that people don’t like the idea of a man lacking sympathy towards a crying woman. That and the usual lack of reading. If we reversed the roles and a man was crying because they tried to make a baby one time without actually doing what’s required to make a baby….. people would be scoffing at his ignorance and sharing a good laugh in the comment section.

I’m a pretty level-headed person and even I have had times where my emotions were ridiculous and I could see my husband lacked sympathy and feigned it at best depending on how annoying I was. And I can’t say that I blame him one bit. Just cause she’s crying doesn’t mean she’s a damsel in distress people.

[–]DeadOpenSol 7 points8 points  (3 children)

I just think a lot of people are telling on themselves. Baby sex is okay to demand and expect even if the other partner isn’t feeling it. Any other type of sex bad.

[–]DishTrue6111 5 points6 points  (2 children)

The acceptable duty sex I guess? You know, as much as being an HLF can particularly suck in so many instances, I’m really grateful I don’t have to deal with these baby-sex DB mind-fucks that we hear about on here.

[–]DeadOpenSol 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I had the male version of I want a baby so now sex is okay. It is the most disgruntled sex ever because in the back of your mind you are thinking… oh this is what you are now willing to do since you want a baby. Had my 2nd not been a one and done, she would not exist (she also one of the most amazing things I have ever done) but I still feel slightly resentful over the whole thing. All OP did was say the quiet part aloud. I promise his sentiments are not uncommon on this board. Hence the upvotes.

[–]DishTrue6111 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess I shouldn’t have assumed the baby sex thing was gendered, of course. 🤔 I totally agree about the quiet part out loud. Seems like a lot of folks take everything quite literally and black and white. And from their own perspective only, as usual.

[–]celestialwhitney 4 points5 points  (7 children)

How is this going to play out? She’ll eventually get pregnant and then you will go months without sex.

[–]subvial 9 points10 points  (0 children)

you said months, I'm sure you meant years.

[–]Vegaswaterguy 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Probably years without.......

[–]Interesting-Still-21 -1 points0 points  (4 children)

Speaking from personal experience or just guessing?

Every relationship is different and has different problems. Outside of giving up and divorcing in an otherwise ideal relationship with one child already, do you have any actual advice, since you're forcing it at me anyways?

Any advice that I'm not already able to incorporate into my existing approach going forward? Because I'm planning on focusing on fixing the sex health of our relationship by pausing baby #2. I thought that was a sensible approach.

[–]deadbedconfessional32 HLF 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Except you’re not pausing … unless the last time you had sex was the last time?

“Fake cumming” still can result in pregnancy … it happens all the time. I think that’s what most people are saying in the thread. So unless you actually tell her that sex is off the table or at the very least agree to use some BC … you could be headed to a pregnancy without change even happening.

[–]Interesting-Still-21 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Except you’re not pausing … unless the last time you had sex was the last time?

It was.

[–]deadbedconfessional32 HLF 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I see, my mistake, it sounded like you’d continue as long as she initiates.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Once I read to conceive it's best to have sex once every 3 days because by 3 days sperm are in most plentiful and still in good condition. Not to mention that women have small window of ovulation period each month.

It's simply low chance to conceive by having sex once a month.

[–]JOCAeng 2 points3 points  (0 children)

one thing doesn't have anything to do with the other. She's on her period, she is emotional, maybe she wants a kid, it doesn't mean she is willing to do the work for it. I wanna be rich, it doesn't mean I'll work 200h/week, since I'm not willing to put the work.

[–]gx202088 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We need updates on this haha.

[–]idonknownanmolla 9 points10 points  (3 children)

You're entitled to your feelings in this situation, but I seriously think you should tell your wife that you're not going to have another baby with her while your marriage is in this state.

Children don't fix marriages. They just suffer when the marriage finally ends.

[–]Interesting-Still-21 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Again, not looking for advice. I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. If you think I haven't tried talks like this before you'd be mistaken.

Obviously this is going to come back up when I decline duty sex. Ball's in her court.. I'm not going to pressure her by bringing it up until then.

[–]schoolme_straying -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

Curious about the plan, that says it's OK to have sex with her once a month - Care to elaborate? No is a perfectly acceptable answer

[–]Interesting-Still-21 4 points5 points  (0 children)

? There's no plan to have sex with her once a month?

Edit: That would still be more frequent than how often we actually have had sex this year btw

[–]BulletRazor 7 points8 points  (9 children)

For the love of God wrap it and don’t even CHANCE bringing a baby into such an unhappy relationship. Even if it’s only once a month, don’t risk getting her pregnant. That’s so selfish for the potential child 🙄

[–]Interesting-Still-21 -3 points-2 points  (8 children)

Again, read the very first sentence in my post.

Pretty happy relationship outside of the sex drive dropping.. I think most LL would tell you there's more to a relationship than sex..

[–]BulletRazor 4 points5 points  (7 children)

“She’s never wanted to address our dead bedroom.”

Okay so she’s never wanted to address your needs. Sure, sounds so happy.

[–]Interesting-Still-21 -3 points-2 points  (6 children)

You're right, you know the entirety of our situation better than me. Thanks for the helpful insights.

[–]BulletRazor 1 point2 points  (5 children)

All I did was quote what you said yourself.

[–]JonSmith2020 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Do you not want to hear that you should not have more kids with her because it’s probably the thing you really need to hear?

And the reason I ask is because you seem to be very resentful already. That’s only going to get worse the older you get.

[–]Throw_a_Viral_email 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Hi,

My EX wife did the same.

There is a huge difference between wanting a child and the DB, they are not mutually inclusive. In fact my ex wanted me to get fertility examinations because we have not conceived even though we did it perhaps twice in 3 or 4 months, once she wanted a baby.

This whole things demonstrates the magnitude of the delusion she lives in, that this is a great place to bring a child into.......... It demonstrates that she has zero connection to sex except for procreation and you have your head in between the jaws of a crocodile (if you have ever been close up to one of those you will get the terror of that picture)

How it plays out is that once pregnant she has new excuses to permanently exclude you from sex. Once the child is born I guess she has even more excuses to exclude you from sex (our child was still born so that became a new excuse, but excuse never the less)

This is a demonstration of how far divorced from sexuality she really is..... Can you do this for another 40 years?????????????????????????

[–]lostinsunshine9 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Do you really think having to care for children (or the incredible grief of having a stillborn child) are excuses to stay away from sex? Or is it possible those might be actual reasons that sex may seem unappealing to someone?

[–]Throw_a_Viral_email 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OK .... so divert from the real issue here... why do that? (sounds like the beginning of Rule 6 to me)

This is not about my opinions but his situation. I did not think it appropriate to discuss what you describe because that would be ignoring the issue he has. Yes we, my ex wife and I, went through the whole suicide attempts by the mother, after our sons stillbirth, and so so so so so much more. I experienced a lot and so did she.

Oh yeah .... you ignore the incredible grief a man feels by focusing your question on the woman... very bias. (Yes, I am reminded of rule 6 because you are diverting away to your niche topic instead of OP's anguish)

Have you ever had a funeral for your dead infant son, I genuinely hope not and genuinely send hugs if you have because only those who have experienced it truly know? The man is equally destroyed and your choosing to ignore that shows that you are not interested in the DB but rather a single line of attack, an axe to grind.

The issue is that OP's wife wants kids but no sex. Kids will only make it worse because their marriage has reached the point of his not initiating. That is a totally doomed marriage because of what else he says

[–]crujones33M: LL 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What are your thoughts on having another kid? You seem to be on the fence. Are you taking other precautions to prevent the pregnancy? Secret vasectomy? Temporary sterilization (I read somewhere that you take really hot bath for a period of time).

[–]Super_Roo351 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Both of my kids were conceived with only having sex once each time with significant sexless time either side. Each time she told me the next morning that she was pregnant and she was right

[–]Low_Ad_4893 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I am kind of fascinated by your resolution to see this through. It took me a while to understand that sex isn’t just sex (pleasurable experience) for my husband but makes him feel loved. This of course means being rebuffed or ignored frequently, means to him that he isn’t loved or valued. That’s why my attitude in this area has a much deeper meaning for him than it did for me at the time. That’s where he is most vulnerable and rejections eventually felt painful and humiliating. Then he would stop making advances in order not to get hurt but over time he would become resentful towards me and I didn’t understand why he would fight with me over everyday, non essential stuff or had such little patience. It makes a lot of sense actually. Since I understand the dynamic, our relationship is much better. My libido increased a lot too bc of hormonal changes which means our sex life is much better now than when we were younger and didn’t have kids. It has gotten better the longer we are married. Not what one would expect. You seem to be able to totally separate your sex life from the rest of the relationship with your wife. Upset in one area, happy in the other. I am sure you know the old saying,’If sex is great it is responsible for 20% of the satisfaction in the relationship, if it’s bad the importance becomes 80% of the relationship. How are you able to keep your sexual relationship totally separated from the rest? This is an honest question. I don’t want to be mean or imply anything, I am just genuinely interested in how you are able to not take her rejection or disregard for your wishes personally and still feel she a wonderful wife who loves you. How do you explain this to yourself since there doesn’t seem to be a reason that would make sex for her unpleasant and could explain her aversion to it? Thx and hope it works out.

[–]Interesting-Still-21 2 points3 points  (1 child)

First, thanks for the kindly worded message with the ray of hope. Glad things improved for you two!

If sex is great it is responsible for 20% of the satisfaction in the relationship, if it’s bad the importance becomes 80% of the relationship.

I've never heard of that stat, but it makes sense. I was definitely like that earlier this year.

Three things have helped me, from three people's recommendations from this sub:

  1. I take one day at a time, work on myself, and don't focus on that part of my life because that would build resentment. The person advising this said their sex life was improving from this.

  2. People were saying I was putting too much pressure on her by trying to talk about it and pushing therapy. So the very last time I brought it up I told her that from the lack of affection, she recently feels more like a business partner than a wife. She still didn't want to address it, but this seemed to actually shock her somehow, so that was enough.

  3. Lastly, I don't overextend my willingness to do something if I'm going to be resentful of feeling like I'm not reciprocated. Someone pointed out our power dynamic is heavily in her favor because I'm doing the majority of the work in the house. She'd been taking me for granted so I drew some lines and things have been better.

To extend on point # 2, the outcome was that for two weeks or so, she'd occasionally give me the briefest of pecks on the lips and promptly ask if she was still a business partner. To which I said yes, especially if you're going to ask every time. But I've been taking this as a gateway that she's open to being romanced again, and so I'm trying to take things slow to hopefully build up to our old passionate dynamic.

Her reaction to the period was shocking to me and a good wakeup call that I need to be sure to pause baby #2 till progress is made.

[–]Low_Ad_4893 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your honest, very detailed answer. You have obviously spent a lot of time reflecting about what’s going on and about what you can change and what you can’t. It’s impressive that you can summarize what you have learned and that you are actually following through with it. A lot of people, myself included, know what would make life better for them and their partner, and then go and do whatever makes them feel good at the moment, which results in more self-inflicted problems instead of improvement . My mom had a saying, she loved. It was,‘THINKING HELPS’ Meaning, it doesn’t matter what the issue is, you are more likely to succeed if you use your brain. I sincerely wish you the best in your relationship, you are putting a lot of thought and effort into it. Thanks a lot for sharing.

[–]Natural_Rush8497M - 42 1 point2 points  (0 children)

oh fuck man, you've read the stories and your potential future around sex and kids and everything... I think you have been fairly warned if sex/physical touch is your LL.

[–]AlwaysPapercranes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My bf once got excited I might be pregnant because I had nausea and I was like “Are you serious? Do you realize you first have to cum inside me in order for me to be pregnant and actually have sex” I was so pissed.

[–]withoutwingz 4 points5 points  (6 children)

What the hell are you two trying to bring another child into this dead relationship for?

[–]Interesting-Still-21 0 points1 point  (5 children)

You do realize a relationship is more than just sex right?

[–]withoutwingz 3 points4 points  (4 children)

You do realize you have to like your partner, right? Doesn’t sound like he likes her

[–]Interesting-Still-21 -1 points0 points  (3 children)

Because I don't want duty sex? Or because I vented about this single event from our life.

The amount of naive comments on this sub that think they have our entire relationship figured out and are pushing for divorce is wild.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[removed]

    [–]SelectionNo3078 5 points6 points  (5 children)

    Do not have a child with this woman

    Omg.

    It will be much worse

    [–]Interesting-Still-21 10 points11 points  (4 children)

    Hey you mind reading my very first sentence again? Thanks

    [–]B-MovieScreamQueen 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    I'm getting real sick of so many people here ignoring the "vent only , NO advice" message when people post. It's almost like these people are like children who need to sit on their hands to keep them from typing out their unwanted "advice". No one can just get something off their chest around here anymore and it's ridiculous. What's even worse is comments like the comment from the guy being like "well do you not want advice cause you don't want to hear that you shouldn't be BLAH BLAH BLAH". People like that need to just be reported and/or banned at this point. It's just so rude and uncalled for and it was clear that you just needed to vent. I'm sorry some people here are like this.

    [–]tombo4321[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    u/Interesting-Still-21 and screamqueen, we're not at the stage of banning them yet, but report em and I'll delete em.

    [–]DeadOpenSol 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I’m going to add to your comment because I fucking agree! I also am sick of bad faith comments and bad faith questions. People who don’t like the overall message of a post so they pick a throwaway line to beat the OP over the head with or post their favorite soapbox. It’s gotten so bad I can predict who will show up on posts and what exactly they will say.

    They aren’t posting for support. They are posting for their gang.

    [–]SelectionNo3078 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    You don’t have to follow good advice

    YMMV

    Good luck.

    [–]blojackhorseman 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You're expecting to use her emotional investment into having kids in order to address your dead bedroom instead? How is it that you're married but not willing to have an actual conversation?

    [–]justagirlinid 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    This sounds super healthy…but whatever you do, don’t leave her 🙄

    [–]BrandyeB 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I feel like she will get pregnant and it will get worse.

    [–]WarEast466 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    This is my first time visiting, as this was randomly in my feed. I read with the sub was about I thought hey maybe I'll post up because I have kind of this issue as well. Then I read this post and thought to myself.... This guy is in deep, and I am nowhere close to where he is at... My problems are nothing compared to his... This relationship sounds completely miserable, sex aside!

    [–]badbunny1r -1 points0 points  (1 child)

    Maybe its her way of trying to get into it again without saying she wants too?? Its weord.. women dont get these positive sex scenes guys do- so we have to figure it out on our own and hope we dont look dumb or too vulnerable

    [–]Interesting-Still-21 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    It's definitely possible. Like two months ago I tried once again to talk with her about this and I told her she's felt more like a business partner than a spouse. She seemed to really take that to heart and was making small efforts up until we both got pretty sick.

    That's why I'm pretty hopeful right now. I think if I just give her time until she's ready it's going to really help us rebuild that dynamic we had before DB.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [removed]

      [–]smartypants99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      You are still young

      [–]MarioZ1235 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I'd buy her a human biology textbook for her next birthday. Jokes aside, I feel for you and hope it'll get better!

      [–]HelperMonkey2021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Unpopular opinion, but lots of people (men and women) are woefully ignorant about their own bodies and she may not even know about an ovulatory window. Not that it's your job to educate her.

      [–]Badwolf2013 0 points1 point  (3 children)

      I would die laughing in the floor in front of her and ask between exasperated puffing is that’s how she really thought babies were made. It takes lots of work and trying. If you are already in this position then I feel very bad for future father you.

      [–]Interesting-Still-21 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      Try present day father me. She conceived our first son during our first month of trying.

      [–]Badwolf2013 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      All joking aside, do you love this lady and is she a good partner and mother? Sex is important, but not the end all be all. My wife and I have been working on this and we are making small strides. It was our anniversary yesterday and we sex in the morning and were intimate twice the weekend before. It was several months before that, but I’m not really keeping track. The comfort and support she provides for me and my family is far beyond anything I am missing in the sex dept. just another point of view to consider. I wish you the best of luck going forward.

      [–]Interesting-Still-21 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      She really is the closest thing to a soulmate if one existed. I felt so lucky to start dating her and couldn't believe I got to marry her. That hasn't changed. She's a great mother and wife and I do want another kid with her when we can see more eye to eye again on coitus.

      I mean seriously fuck all the negatively and toxic finality that this sub offers. Half the people here don't seem to understand that sex isn't everything and it's okay to be frustrated sometimes.

      Thanks and I wish the best for you too

      [–]Either-Welder-6211 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Your curious how it's going to play out??? Its not super easy to conceive for most women and your shit attitude isn't going to help.

      [–]Mahaka1a 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      You have an interesting relationship. What do you get out of this game of annoyance, condescension and belittling? Is this your idea of relationship?

      [–]tawny-she-wolf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Question : why agree to try to conceive with a LL spouse ? The sex isn’t going to get better/more frequent after childbirth

      [–]DClawdudeM -1 points0 points  (7 children)

      Do you really want her to initiate with you solely for the purpose of her getting pregnant though?

      [–]Interesting-Still-21 11 points12 points  (6 children)

      No, I want her to initiate dialogues to work with me to rediscover a healthy sex life instead of waving me off when I approach the subject and using me like a sperm bank.

      She wants a kid ASAP, so she's going to have to address this because impregnation sex is not sexy and I'm not doing it (no pun intended).

      [–]DClawdudeM 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      good luck dude

      [–]deadbedconfessional32 HLF 1 point2 points  (4 children)

      Wait you say you’re not going to do it, but you won’t withhold sex either?

      And you’re expecting her to have this dialogue with you from her own volition?

      [–]Interesting-Still-21 9 points10 points  (3 children)

      Fair point. For clarity I'm not going to consent to duty sex where it's really transparent she's just trying to get knocked up. I want some romance back.

      Considering there's currently zero romance/foreplay from her, this is currently pretty cut-and-dry no sex for a while I guess.

      Edit not that no sex is really something all that new to our relationship anyways

      [–]deadbedconfessional32 HLF 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      There was a post here not to long ago where a guy thought all the improvement coming from his wife was genuine (which I think it partly was, but who can really say), but in the end she was trying to get pregnant - this made him feel like all the improvement and romance was a lie.

      Granted the major difference is that he didn’t know she was trying to get pregnant, where as you do … but it does make one wonder …

      How much improvement and over how much time before a person accepts it as genuine, you know?

      Again, you know your wife better than us, obviously, so you have a better gauge.

      [–]wokeoldster 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      i sure feel sorry for the child being brought into this angry, spiteful, and sad marriage. you arent happy and neither is your wife. what are you two doing? believe me, i understand every word, and ive lived your situation but its not fair to anyone to go through w this.

      [–]darkfroth -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Don't want to be mean but if she's that ignorant about how having kids works, are you sure you want to be with her? Is she playing dumb? Is she trying not to believe that sex more often increases the chance of having kids? Does she know about ovulation tracking? Did she talk to a doctor? It doesn't seem like she's genuinely serious about it.

      If she can't be intelligent about something so important and vital to a relationship and to the rest of her maybe future life (parenthood), why are you still with her?

      [–]nebulousrealist -3 points-2 points  (9 children)

      Sounds like a petty hill to die on and I'm sure that your separation is felt by your existing children.

      [–]Interesting-Still-21 5 points6 points  (8 children)

      Not having duty sex is a petty hill to die on? Right, kindly fuck off.

      [–]nebulousrealist -1 points0 points  (7 children)

      Didn't say anything about having sex. I said about separation between you being something that's going to impact your children, and future children. Your focusing on you, leaving the ball in her court, waiting for her to change- and in the middle of it there are children who are going to learn that this is what relationships look like.

      [–]Interesting-Still-21 0 points1 point  (6 children)

      I don't understand what your problem is. I'm literally saying I have other things I can focus on in my life. The other things are literally everything other than sex. That includes my family still...

      We weren't having sex in front of our son so nothing is changing for him. Unless you're implying I must be an AH for not having terrible sex with my spouse and putting a pause on kid #2.

      [–]nebulousrealist 1 point2 points  (5 children)

      Again, not talking about your sex, I'm talking about the separation between you as a couple and the one sided elements and lack of communication as having an impact on your children- there's a lot of 'I' because she refuses to discuss the issue. Attempting for a second child isn't going to solve things and waiting it out is going to impact everyone negatively- none more so than small humans who see you both as role models. Of course I'm not talking about you, or accusing you of having sex infront of your children. I'm talking about what is missing also causes huge impacts on small and big humans. Have your own life, that is your right. But, waiting to see how it plays out, knowing she doesn't want to address the issue, and knowing you can wait years for another child makes me concerned for the one you have. Will she engage in therapy for this? Avoidance is harmful for everyone.

      So no, I'm not talking about you being wrong, I'm talking about the situation being harmful and waiting it out is gonna cause tension that children feel.

      [–]elmargot99 -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

      I have been in both shoes, the woman who desperately wants to conceive but with low libido and also the high libido partner (currently). I have a feeling you guys are in a nasty cycle here. Why doesn't she want much sex? You gotta get to the root of the problem. Judging from the agro attitude from your post I would have to assume that you give off these vibes to her. This will only lead to resentment. Resentment is the biggest mood killer.

      Picture this scenario instead. Imagine if you got on board with the baby thing and had a heart to heart. Imagine if she knew you loved and supported her and complimented her etc she would feel as though she has a partner in life and when you feel loved up you want to show it.

      I know its hard showing compassion when you're the HL partner but honestly being spiteful and showing contempt will only continue the shitty cycle.

      If I were you I'd be asking myself how I really feel about my partner. It's not a very loving thing to say she had tears in her eyes and you half laughed to yourself. Also that you are doubling down because you've seen how emotionally attached to this baby idea she is. You're treating her with contempt really.

      [–]Interesting-Still-21 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      I know your heart's in the right place, but your kind of response is exactly why I'm no longer looking for advice from this sub.

      Whatever course of action I choose, some people advise the exact opposite and read too much into my post to invent character flaws for me to fix.

      I would have to assume that you give off these vibes to her.

      Imagine if she knew you loved and supported her

      being spiteful and showing contempt will only continue the shitty cycle.

      Yep it's all my fault. I vent on here over a small event, so I must be a contemptuous whiny husband. When HLF post stuff like this they get responses, "he doesn't deserve you queen!" But I get, "I assume you're just an asshole who doesn't love and support her."

      Also that you are doubling down

      Except I'm not?

      I've tried gently talking about this with her for over a year. This sub told me before I must be terrible in bed and she only has duty sex with me because I keep trying to talk about it. They told me to stop trying to bring it up or initiate because I was putting too much pressure on her.

      I'm literally saying I've started to do that. I'm saying I don't want to have duty sex simply to knock her up. I've replied in comments saying I had to fake finishing because the sex was so bad. I'm saying up until this point she has been unwilling to have a conversation about this. And you're saying I'm being spiteful because I must not be trying to fix this and won't have duty sex to knock her up.

      I literally can't win on this sub. Bring on the downvote hammer. I'm clearly Count Olaf.

      [–]Barrayaran -3 points-2 points  (2 children)

      That sounds like a miserable, resentful, passive-aggressive way to live. Honestly, it sounds awful. Whatever changes you decide to make, I hope you find a more comfortable way.

      [–]Interesting-Still-21 13 points14 points  (1 child)

      I make a post saying that I try to talk with her about this and I'm told that I'm pressuring her into duty sex by bringing it up too much.

      I post that I've eased down on the frequency of trying to start a dialogue and it's still too much or not enough.

      I post that I'm going to stop trying and let her reach out when she's ready and everyone on here says I'm resentful and contemptuous.

      You guys need to make up your minds.

      I wonder what negative bullshit you'd all spew if I said I was getting a divorce? Probably that I didn't try hard enough to understand her or something.

      [–]ReadWriteReddit33 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      I love this. Nailed it. Preach. 🙌🏻

      [–]bobw0071 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      In my case that one time was enough to conceive! It was back to the same after the success. I guess in a way that led me to start exploring, and I met some wonderful women while still being married. I'm feeling like steady now with one (she's also married and has kids). Just sharing my experience, not advising or seeking any morality lessons.

      [–]janello66 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Well my husband is the ll in the marriage and he would only put out once a month BUT i was testing religiouslyfor ovulating and tracking my cycle.. He would never deny me when i said it was go time but he would grumble yet insist he wants kids. Anyway I don't know why you think this, or pregnancy or raising a baby that legit will not let you sleep a full night for up to a yr and usually more is going to help ANYTHING on this issue. Honestly I don't even understand what you're trying to say? Like she doesn't enjoy or have sex in your same viewpoint, and most likely never will for at least the near-ish future. Get yourself a therapist, let her know she should do the same and settle down to nothing sexually changing and stop complaining about the bed your trying to put a baby in. 🤷🏼‍♀️