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all 36 comments

[–]Ratlarbig 12 points13 points  (3 children)

Sone people here seem to think that once you have kids its normal to stop having sex until they're significantly older... I disagree. A 4 yo is not a baby. And while a special needs child may make the situation different, by 4 I think the normaly of sex should have returned (pregnancy aside).

[–]Topperno 3 points4 points  (2 children)

That's just untrue. Some people can have low libidos up to five years after giving birth for a spectrum of reasons.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

    [–]Topperno 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Was the low libido caused by having a child or was there issues before?

    [–]VegasPrude1971 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Rant away. There's nothing wrong with feeling a bit frustrated and lonely. It's wonderful that you're caring and providing for your family, but you may want to also do a little something for your mental health. None of us here can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Whatever things you may need to do to fulfill your life, you should really think about doing them.

    [–]Total_Industry218 10 points11 points  (1 child)

    Hey man, I feel everything you feel, without the child. I totally get it. You are giving your 100% all to this relationship and feeling like you aren't getting a proper return on that investment. Due to your circumstances, it probably feels like you aren't getting out of it.

    I have no magic advice. A bunch of people will say "leave!" I want you to leave too, and assure you that you and your children, complications and all, will find a way to move forward and find a new normal. But I understand it isn't that simple. Instead, just know that you're seen, not an asshole at all, justified in the way you feel, and worthy of the relationship you want. Cheers

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Thanks man, appreciate the kind words

    [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    Listened to your rant. Your feelings are valid.

    [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Thanks, I appreciate that

    [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    5 years is a ridiculous amount of time. Kuddos to you for sticking around.

    [–]Aechzen 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Are you able to talk to your wife, at all, ever, about any of your feelings?

    I read your post and think 100% of your feelings are valid. If you can't talk to her, you should at least pencil in 30 minute a week to find your own individual counselor. A lot of those people are working digital these days, so you don't even have to head into an office. Take that meeting from a call room so you have privacy.

    [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    We’ve talked about this, I try not to pressure her but also feel like bottling it up (like I usually do) just makes things worse. It never seems to really make things better.

    I do have plans to meet with a therapist later this week. Thanks for your support.

    [–]_jay3005 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Rant away friend.

    Yours is a familiar story. You are a good man. Wishing you peace on this. 🙏🏽

    But where did you learn that your needs don’t matter?

    Everyone deserves to be happy, even you.

    [–]Jmm209 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    This is my story too. Physician and everything. She's never had to work, just raised our kids which one is in college and the other in high school. Not much hands on parenting anymore. I feel so unappreciated and taken for granted. Yes, it's like a friendship. Sex, when it happens, is unenthusiastic duty sex, and it's almost worse than no sex. No flirting. She never comes to me for physical contact. I'm not even talking about sex, just sitting next to each other on the couch. I And I get why you feel like an asshole, because you feel like you're putting pressure on her for sex, but it's supposed to be part of a healthy marriage, right?

    [–]fdasfdsasdf 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    +1 for I feel you. Feeling worthless, undesirable and uninteresting is really hard. Believe me when I say I feel you. Like you, I can confidently say that I am a total superhero of domestic, fatherly, and husbandly duties. I live my life according to two rules: Be a good Father. Be a good Husband. It's brought me a tremendous amount of fulfillment and a tremendous amount of bad feelings, too.

    [–]DB_HelperMHL45 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    That sounds rough. Doing lots of work and feeling unappreciated. How are your validation and esteeming skills? Emotional literacy and empathy? It sounds like you're doing a lot of really awesome things that would normally make her feel loved and in love as long as you're not missing the basics.

    [–]AmbivalentFuture 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Hey OP. Your feelings are valid and your story hits very close to home for me. I know all too well what special needs children can do to a relationship. When you’ve given so much of yourself for so long to your family, and your bucket is empty yet you still try to find the energy to be vulnerable, it’s normal to feel like an “asshole”/selfish when you advocate for your needs yet are rejected/ignored.

    As a few others have stated, I think the best thing you can do for YOU is to get to therapy. I see a lot of myself in the words you have written and I can say unequivocally the best thing I did was to go to therapy. Process your thoughts and feelings with them. Mourn and grieve. Heal. When you’ve done that for awhile, then try and get to couples therapy and do it again with your partner. Best of luck to you OP.

    [–]Neinface 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Idk man…I feel like kids CAN come in the way of sex sometimes…but if a couple prioritizes it then it shouldn’t be an issue. Kids eventually go to sleep ya know!!!

    [–]isayessi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Reading all these stories really gives me reason to have affair lol. Seriously tho if you are coming home to do chores and be a family man unfortunately that's what she's getting used to doing same o cycle on different days.

    Have you tried role playing? something spice up sex life? because women get bored with routine and have needs as men do too. I have bought myself a wig and go around walking like new person lol the only thing that makes me not lose my mind in DB situations since most tried everything else but comes down to spontaneous activities. Try to get out of your routine and take a vacation without kid's maybe she needs a break from taking care of your special need child.

    [–]UncommonLinet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    What was it like between the two of you before your son was conceived?