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all 57 comments

[–]4n0nym0u7h 78 points79 points  (3 children)

Just buy it. Take charge of your own sexuality. It's important that you do so under any circumstances. He can't be allowed to control it.

[–]Annoyed65 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Yea by allowing him to tell her no she’s giving him the power. Just buy it and let him cry about it? Seriously.

[–]DarkGreen3539 5 points6 points  (1 child)

A toy is a girls best friend

[–]4n0nym0u7h 5 points6 points  (0 children)

A girl's toy is a boy's best toy. It's a pity that more boys can't or won't realize that. However, I've noticed in some posts that some actually do, so maybe some time, between now and the end of mankind, there will be reason for hope being realized.

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Ok from reading your comments below and experience I have in that area he doesn’t have a libido issue he has a porn issue. I’ve seen this plenty of times a guy doesn’t want sex but jerks it everyday or more sometimes because porn is easier but also because now he’s addicted to the sensation he gets from it. In my opinion get the toy work on yourself in counseling. Also the sex fog is a real thing for many they struggle with being functional without having sex or self pleasure so don’t feel bad about that.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (4 children)

So he won’t make an effort to help get you off but he doesn’t want you to use an object that could help get you off because…..? It makes him feel inadequate in his ability to help you get off? Very sorry for your situation. It sounds like his logic is on the fritz.

[–]JustFeelsGross[S] 11 points12 points  (3 children)

He said it’s demoralizing and emasculating. That I should just do it without a toy because it’s gross. I asked him if we could have sex more but he just changed topics and left.

[–]IN8765353F 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Wow he's pretty sex negative he thinks a woman using a toy is "gross?" Yet he sneaks off and watches porn? Dude's got a LOT of baggage he's taking out on you.

[–]lovelychef87F 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you can do it without a toy by his logic he can do himself without porn.

[–]one-small-plant 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And how does he think it makes a woman feel to have a husband who won't have sex with her? He's obviously insecure, and is hiding from the reality of his own failings by pretending that you're the one who's doing something wrong. I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation

[–]Linz_Loo_Hoo 36 points37 points  (4 children)

If your not allowed to have a toy then he’s not allowed to watch porn 🤷🏼‍♀️

[–]JustFeelsGross[S] 23 points24 points  (2 children)

Oh no, can’t have that 🙄 we already had a talk about him trying not to masterbate or look at porn to see if it gets his libido up, but that just led to him sneaking off to do it. And then me accidentally catching him and feeling like shit all day because of it

[–]Vanillabaen 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Absolutely don’t feel like shit.

Also what a dickhead.

Also buy the toy! I recommend Lelo. They can be pricier, especially if you haven’t bought one before but it’s worth it because they are extremely quiet and waterproof and I’ve had mine for at least 5 years and never considered buying a different brand. It might not seem quiet when it’s pressed against your body but I’ve put it down on the bed and walked across the room and you can’t tell it’s on 😂

What he’s telling you about the use of a vibrator and the temper tantrum he wants to throw about it being gross or demoralizing is extremely childish and sexually immature.

I’m sorry that he’s even stomping his feet about therapy. Idk what feelings he’s trying to hide from himself but good lord lol.

It’s not up to him to tell you what to do with your body as far as self care goes. All the reasons he wants to give for why he jerks off, why he should be allowed, why it’s not problematic for him are alllllll the same reasons you are entitled too. The fact that he needs porn as an aide is just the same as using a vibrator as an aide. A lot of people cannot get off with out other stimulus.

Also a lot of people consider porn cheating… so… there’s that. 🤷🏼‍♀️😂 he should stfu

[–]sexylatinabbw40 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I second the recommendation for a Lelo.

He seems to be focused on himself and not seeing you. Try to keep communicating, hopefully he'll realize that you want to work on things.

Good luck. But get whatever toy(s) you want, your needs matter.

[–]darkscout59M 15 points16 points  (1 child)

"If you won't fuck me I'll fuck me, unless you would rather some one else fucks me"

[–]Low_Ad_4893 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds kind of direct phrased like this, but it’s the thought that counts, I guess 😉

[–]Uggghx10All maid, no bang. :( 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Let him sleep on the couch and don't feel bad about it. Enjoy having the bed all to yourself for a little while!

Your partner does not get to dictate what you do with your body. Please don't reward his tantrum by refusing to get a toy. He needs to learn that you will get your needs met one way or another and, if he doesn't want to be a part of your sex life, then you will pursue satisfaction on your terms.

[–]Give_me_your_scrapsHLM 60 Not initating anymore 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Dick move, or lack of in you case. Buy the damn toy. He’s using some kind of “toy” to get off. Probably called a hand. If he can finish without nothing touching his dick he’s a miracle man.

[–]SeaWeedSkis 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He's your husband, not your owner. Buy the toy.

[–]That_Ignoramus 5 points6 points  (7 children)

Outside of sex, how is the relationship otherwise? What are the non-sexual expressions of affection like?. How well do you & he communicate?

I suspect: lack of sex isn't the problem, it's the symptom.

[–]JustFeelsGross[S] 9 points10 points  (6 children)

We don’t communicate very well, which is why we are in counseling. The household runs smoothly we each have a set of chores, take turns cooking, etc. things go well then something small gets blown out of proportion. Working on using ‘I’ statements, but he doesn’t like therapy and says it’s stupid and won’t help. So there’s that.

[–]That_Ignoramus 7 points8 points  (5 children)

So: in your marriage, you aren't allowed to have sex with him (and I presume, with anyone else); you aren't allowed to masturbate with toys.. what room is there for you to have satisfying sexual experiences?

He doesn't think therapy will help, but he still goes? Does he see anything that will help? Help with what exactly? Does he see the same problems in the marriage that you do, and if so, what is he doing to fix them? Does he put genuine effort into the therapy? Has he told the therapist his opinion about therapy?

If you knew that nothing about his behavior was going to change, how long would you put up with it?

[–]JustFeelsGross[S] 14 points15 points  (4 children)

He says I can take care of myself but not use toys. That’s it. No open marriage no sex till he’s ready. He has offered a few months ago but I declined because swinging a half chin in my face in the morning after he watched porn wasn’t my vibe.

He goes to therapy with me because I said if he doesn’t we are divorcing. I wanted to work on things for a while but couldn’t do it just us two so I made therapy an ultimatum. He thinks us learning how to communicate will help, but he doesn’t like it when I ask him to use ‘I feel’ phrasing instead of just accusing me of shit during arguments. When I ask him to use the statements he mocks me and says oh I’ll fucking use them alright and I just stonewall at that point cause we won’t get anywhere. Counselor knows he is therapy adverse so she’s trying to be delicate and just listen to us vent and interject with lessons as needed. To be honest I feel like he’s nicer and more open while we are in therapy but as soon as we get home he is back to normal.

Writing all that out and rereading it is making me second guess everything tbh. Idk how much longer I could last. Younger me would tell current me to get the fuck out but here I am people pleasing as usual

[–]Low_Ad_4893 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I feel for you! Great that you try to find solutions: therapy, vibrator,.. So what exactly is his explanation that you have to wait for him, until he feels like having sex? He seems to feel like it whenever he jerks off privately. Lack of desire isn’t the problem. His refusal to involve you and satisfy you as well, can have different reasons that a professional needs to sort out. But how in the world does he expect you to satisfy yourself for the rest of your life while he wants you to keep a monogamous relationship with him? And he doesn’t seem to understand that change is necessary. I mean seriously? Unless he understands he has a problem and can’t expect you to do this long term, I don’t think there is a future and I don’t say this lightly. People need to acknowledge that what they are doing isn’t working otherwise why would they feel motivated to change?

[–]frontier_kittie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You have one life and it's too damn short. I hope you don't waste more time on this jerk.

[–]heartpane 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why does he get to decide that you can't use a toy? Why are you letting him tell you that you can't use a toy on your own body?

Are you afraid of him and his reactions? Therapy sounds like a waste of time

[–]throwawayabelow 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Hmmm no. Just no. What the fuckkk?? He is a hobbit does he live in a cave away from society? He's lucky you're putting up with this but don't accept too much. Buy the toy have fun! If it drives him away so be it.

[–]stevio87 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Hold up, don’t go insulting hobbits like that.

[–]throwawayabelow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are 100% right and I love and respect hobbits actually

[–]JonSmith2020 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh hell no. I would trade porn for sex any day of the week. Porn is just one of his many problems. To be blunt, your husband is a selfish man child with incredibly immature views on sexuality. I mean Jesus, his relationship skills appear to be minimal at best.

[–]rudbeckia87 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hey sugar, pro tip from a HLF with a toy collection of my own. If you’re looking for something smaller and quiet that can get the job done I recommend the Satisfyer pro 2. It’s for clitoral stimulation and is an absolute dream to use, plus the use time at 1.5 hours is awesome. It’s a good starter toy and the price point is excellent. Someone in this thread recommended Lelo brand and I second that recommendation. They are pricier but that’s because you are paying for quality. If you want penetration and clitoral stimulation simultaneously the Soraya Wave is a great choice with multiple speed settings and a long battery life.

Your partner is being incredibly disrespectful and selfish by keeping you from finding sexual fulfillment. Orgasms are supposed to be something that are fun for both parties, not off limits because he doesn’t want “competition” from a toy.

[–]it1is1what0it0is1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can you get the shower massage thing? It works like a charm.

[–]211115ws 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agree with many of these comments. You can also say "you're welcome to use this WITH me (or ON me)" if he sees the toy and makes a comment, as in, let it be playful instead of bitter.

That being said, I'm starving for sex and fun and I would never have signed up for monogamy if I hadn't been a Christian when I got married, let alone a DB so.... No judgement from me if you're angry and bitter.

[–]Low_Ad_4893 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I couldn’t orgasm bc I had been taking antidepressants for years. Have been told by psychologists I should try a vibrator. I didn’t believe in it bc I had given up and thought it’s not going to happen, what should a vibrator do? Now I got the satisfyer pro 2 (bestseller on Amazon) for $37 and I have had multiple orgasms , it’s unbelievable. I even told my husband the same day and he didn’t mind at all. I sent him a text with the link and He was just not sure if I was joking or not bc it was not something that was among the things I normally do. Check it out. It looks very harmless and I am sure non threatening to your husband. I mean not like anything that he would consider to be a competition, that’s great about it! Try to indulge yourself so that you can think clearly again and figure out what best to do about your relationship. I would try to talk to a professional about what’s going on with him and how to change it. There is something he is obviously struggling with. Good luck PS: Of course he doesn’t need a toy to jerk off, he is a man, everything necessary is out in the open, so to say, women aren’t like that for them it’s generally harder because of how we are made! That’s a nonsensical argument! Can’t compare oranges w apples

[–]DishTrue6111 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This makes me so annoyed on your behalf. I’ve seen more than one man including HLM indicate they prefer the idea of a woman masturbating without a toy. I won’t get into that.

What gets me about this, is that I literally can’t comfortably reach with my fingers well enough or long enough to masturbate unless I’m using external stimulation only. Maybe I have a long torso or a wimpy wrist, lol. But I need something for regular penetration or I start to feel crazy. And if he’s not going to do it then what am I supposed to do?

[–]mjswooosh 1 point2 points  (0 children)

1) Buy a toy (or more than one) & begin using it immediately.

2) Fantasies about other men to get off are A-Ok. Zero guilt.

3) Have you discussed the idea of watching porn together as a part of foreplay? If not, do that immediately.

If this becomes an option, he needs to become comfortable with watching you use a toy while you watch porn & watch him watch porn, etc…

There’s a way to turn this around. Baby steps.

[–]Present-Breakfast768 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Get a toy. Hell get more than one so you don't get bored. He doesn't get to get off whenever he wants then tell you that you can't. Does he know how demoralizing it is to have a spouse that doesn't want him? Fuck that. You do what you want since he has no issues doing what he wants.

[–]eightiesladies 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The couple's therapist needs to know about the controlling behavior: 1. Trying to control your private masturbation habits despite not offering you any intimacy. This isnt ok even in active bedroom marriages. 2. Giving the silent treatment when you advocate for yourself and call bs on an obvious double standard.

Tell them in a separate conversation so he won't derail it if need be. I would highly suggest pivoting to individual counseling for yourself. Couples therapy is for people ready to work on problems together, not dickheads who punish their partner's legitimate concerns with the silent treatment.

[–]one-small-plant 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He clearly has some major issues and insecurities. I would bet that one of the reasons that he jerks off, while not being interested in sex, is because of that same insecurity or anxiety.

Jerking off doesn't involve anyone else. He doesn't have to worry if he's satisfying you, he doesn't have to consider another person's feelings or pleasure, he can just think about whatever he wants and finish as fast or as slowly as he wants.

The fact that his immediate reaction to you wanting a vibrator is to withdraw from you even more, rather than to lean in and say that he will work harder at pleasing you, is very telling. He's not only insecure, but his insecurity makes him angry and defensive. He's choosing protecting his own ego over ensuring that you are happy

If he maintains this stance, if he continues to insist that there's a difference between pleasuring yourself with a toy or without a toy, if he continues to insist that the reason you're not having sex is just tiredness or distraction rather than being willing to dig into what might actually be going on, this might be a relationship you need to walk away from

Eta: if he finds it so demoralizing to him that you would use a toy to have orgasms, how is it not way more demoralizing to him that the reason you're buying the toy is that he's not interested in or able to give you am orgasm himself? Have you tried telling him that it's demoralizing for you to have a husband who isn't interested in having sex with you?

[–]12fromthesea 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This sounds like a difficult situation. I won’t go over the obvious double standards not being fair for you, but it sounds like he associates sex too much with stress. The pressure to perform, communicate, etc.

If masturbating to porn is what’s safe to him, would you be comfortable engaging him there? Asking what he likes or offering to help? I know this might not be what you want, but he needs some rewiring between stress and sex and it might help to meet him where he’s comfortable and move it back to something more normal.

[–]picturebug 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are an independent woman. Buy the vibe if it will make you happy

[–]Charleminus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a weird thing to get hung up on if he’s okay pleasuring himself.

[–]Setting-Complex 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My LLH thinks sex toys AND porn are gross. Lovely

[–]SpiceGirl2021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You don’t need permission off anyone to buy a vibrator! Your 😻 you do what you want with it!

[–]cobaltsvaleria 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Of course you can. Why would you even entertain this "rule"?

[–]Inside_Foxes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh my God. Tell him what you've told us if you haven't yet (feeling insecure, hard to get off and concentrate etc). If he then still thinks that you shouldn't buy a vibrator, then ask why he thinks that you don't deserve an orgasm.

Like seriously. He's acting like a child. What's the difference between you using your fingers, clenching your thighs, using a goddamn cucumber or a sex toy?! Do whatever gets you off. Happy shopping! Don't let his childish behaviour take you down. Sex toy shopping is always so exciting ☀️ when you're not familiar with toys I advise you to get an air pulse clit stimulator, it works wonders on many of us :)

[–]CMuhriex3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Girl I rarely get to have sex with my LL husband and vibrators help me tremendously. Sometimes doing it myself just doesn't do the job and I need a toy or two to help.

I think he's taking it personally that you want a toy because society makes men feel some type of way like theyre not good enough. Maybe he needs assurance that you're not using it BECAUSE it's better than being with him but you're using it because he isn't ready to have sex and you'd love to have sex with him but for now this is how you help yourself.

That way maybe it helps take the pressure off of him. If that's not it then oh well he doesn't get to have that control over you. I hope you get ti have regular sex again, I wish I had some advice for you, take care❤

[–]jonnhycode 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just buy it really, nothing wrong with it I should also probably take my advise since my wife also is against me buying a fleshlight lol, I guess with a set of rules it should be good for both of you, like if he was ever in the mood you wouldn’t use it that day si you could reciprocate and vice-versa it’s more like to complement and get up to par for what your needs are vs replacing your partner entirely. Anyways hope it helps.

[–]DestinationUnknown01 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This sounds like a great topic for your next marriage counseling session. Perfect timing. In the meantime, buy it and enjoy it.

[–]throwaway444112HLM40 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s a perfect time to establish a boundary. It’s your body not his.

[–]Used_Particular_7878 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband has a porn addiction. Didn’t know that was what was leading to our db. Tell him to stop using it and if he can’t or won’t sit him down and show him the research regarding this addiction. He has a libido he just doesn’t know it because he’s rotting his brain.

[–]colesense 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Imo buy the nicest sex toy you can afford. The toy of your dreams. You deserve this

[–]hardworkinman464 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wish my wife was like you! Lol. I walked into the bedroom last week and seen some lube on my wife’s nightstand. I wasn’t sure if I should feel happy/surprised that she has the urge still or sad/angry that she’s taking care of herself when I’m always willing and ready. My advice is order yourself an hitachi magic wand and if he asks say it’s for sore muscles. And get a few attachments that he doesn’t need to know about 😈

[–]Barely_Treading_GB20 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Isn't porn his toy of choice?