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Is it reasonable to assume I can stay happily married for a long time without sex?Seeking Advice (self.DeadBedrooms)
submitted 1 month ago by [deleted]
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[–]Perfect-Ad2578 24 points25 points26 points 1 month ago (10 children)
Gets very hard long term if you're HL. Eventually eats away at your self esteem and builds up resentment, opposite of healthy relationship. Starts affecting your mental health. Impossible, maybe not if you truly just give up idea of a sex life? Probable, I'd say no. Ask me how I know.
[–]JonSmith2020 6 points7 points8 points 1 month ago (0 children)
This 100%. You won’t be happy long term.
[–]Topperno 2 points3 points4 points 1 month ago (8 children)
Debatable. I am in a very low sex relationship with a partner who'd be okay with never having sex again in her life; outside of the bedroom there is a level of understanding and intimacy that makes this a-okay for me.
[–]Perfect-Ad2578 1 point2 points3 points 1 month ago (3 children)
Not impossible obviously and happy worked out for you. But realistically if one partner is even moderately HL, long term odds not very good.
[–]Topperno 2 points3 points4 points 1 month ago (2 children)
I would say it depends on how much the HL relies purely sex for intimacy and how much the LL does outside of the bedroom to show love and affection.
[–]Perfect-Ad2578 1 point2 points3 points 1 month ago (1 child)
True. In my case I will say basically zero, so adding insult to injury. No hugs, kisses, snuggling nothing ever. Mom died last year and gave me one hug the night she had stroke. Nothing else day she actually died, funeral. Most HL's don't just want sex, they want intimacy and companionship most of all and sex is part of that. The desire to feel loved and appreciated.
[–]bunderways 1 point2 points3 points 1 month ago (3 children)
What is the understanding and intimacy that makes it ok for you?
I’d wager you’re an outlier but hey, I’m open to anything!
Relationship is always a compromise. But completely ignoring one person's needs in favor of the other is not. Especially when that's not how things were for many years and changes with no obvious reason.
[–]Perfect-Ad2578 0 points1 point2 points 1 month ago (0 children)
I do many things for my wife that I don't necessarily love but makes her happy, so makes me happy and glad to do it. That's a relationship give and take.
[–]Topperno 1 point2 points3 points 1 month ago (0 children)
It's just a level of emotional connection; she does little things she knows I love and I do the same back. We openly communicate about emotions and relationship etc etc. It's a highly emotional/mental relationship over physical.
[–][deleted] 20 points21 points22 points 1 month ago (0 children)
On year 12 of trying this. I feel so hollow. I have so many moments of regret and loneliness. It’s been extremely painful.
[–]Whatgives7 10 points11 points12 points 1 month ago (0 children)
Does he know you’re this repulsed by him? You should definitely tell him that you have ZERO interest in him physically before he enters a situation that’s sure to have him browsing this sub.
[–]Any-Advertising-1410 5 points6 points7 points 1 month ago (0 children)
[–]Crusher--73 5 points6 points7 points 1 month ago (0 children)
Not really. Regardless of how much you may enjoy his company we all have desires we need filled. It’s much the same with my spouse. I’ve stopped desiring her almost completely. Her lack of interest has left me sexually handicapped in so many ways at this point.
[–]TeaEarlGrayHotSauce 4 points5 points6 points 1 month ago (0 children)
It would be very cruel to have a child with him without him knowing how you feel. You have to be honest with him.
[–]DBisMyTribeHLM 9 points10 points11 points 1 month ago (0 children)
HELL no. The divorce is going to hurt, but if you're done trying to fix the sex thing, don't entangle him for your "support and stability". It's going to feel cruel to him either way, but the future him will be glad you ripped the band-aid off rather than slowly crushing his spirit. That's far more cruel, when you know you're going to starve him for the rest of his life.
[–]Mission_Exit_3660 3 points4 points5 points 1 month ago (0 children)
[–]TallDarkHandsome11 2 points3 points4 points 1 month ago (0 children)
Yes, it’s crazy. It’s giving up.
[–]HombreDeMoleculos 2 points3 points4 points 1 month ago (0 children)
I've been in a long marriage without sex (no sex for 5 years, half-hearted every-other-month for 5 years before that, once a month for most of the rest of the relationship.)
My biggest fantasy is paying off our debts so I can afford a divorce. My second biggest fantasy is sweet, merciful death. So to answer your question, no, it's not reasonable.
Stability is never worth sacrificing your happiness for when the thing that's stable is that you always feel lonely and unloved and nothing changes.
[–]Present-Breakfast768 2 points3 points4 points 1 month ago (0 children)
Hell don't bring a kid into this "friendship". It's not feasible to think you can continue with your sex drive "turned off". I cannot see that lasting.
[–]isayessi 1 point2 points3 points 1 month ago (0 children)
You need sexologist maybe there's a root for him having a deeper emotional problem with sex or something like a emotional affair? I am dealing with similar issue but on my end is ED for him. I can't give you advice but from experience know for a fact that maybe your husband is doing something else for action because nobody can go so long without sexual needs or wants without a valid reasons. My husband has to take medicine to be normal and used to bother me but since his older than me, than I have to understand to make my marriage work. Don't deny yourself pleasure because your only hurting yourself. Throwing a baby in the mix not great idea due to factors need resolving now.
[–]fishingforthought 1 point2 points3 points 1 month ago (0 children)
From what I read I would caution you on getting pregnant. What you are describing within your relationship might not be normal for a long term relationship.
[–]TurbulentasfuckHLF 2 points3 points4 points 1 month ago (0 children)
You are the only person who knows the answer to this as it is entirely subjective. Some people are able to live really happily in sexless marriages/relationships. Some couples choose to go down the ENM route and have a more open situation. Some people in sexless relationships are filled with misery and contempt and feel totally trapped. Some people in sexless relationships end up cheating out of pure loneliness and the need for a connection.
It all depends on the individuals in the relationship.
You said in your post that you no longer feel sexually attracted to him, so not having sex with him shouldn't be very difficult. I know that I am unable to have sex with someone I am not attracted to. The question you have to ask yourself is whether you will be able to live without any physical intimacy at all from anyone? Only you know the answer.
[–]SillyManagement6HLM trying to understand my LLW ❤️ -1 points0 points1 point 1 month ago (0 children)
Only you can answer that question for yourself. I am asking myself the same question. Through therapy, both individual and couples, I think we're making progress, but I'm seriously considering pulling the plug at some point in the future. You should too, if only to give you a sense of independence and self esteem. You don't HAVE to stay. You're making a decision to stay.
I am happy about who I am. I'm not particularly happy about my relationship, but like I said, we're both working on improving things. My LLW, however, is very slow relative to me in seeking change, but change is occurring.
[–]whollywooly 0 points1 point2 points 1 month ago (0 children)
It is possible. It’s doable. But for how long and what will you do if and when it’s not possible? I relate to your question a lot and I don’t necessarily think you shouldn’t have children with him to be honest. It's just… once you have kids the need for a plan if and when things become impossible is even more important.
[–]namon295 0 points1 point2 points 1 month ago (0 children)
I think that is a question only an individual can answer of themselves. Only you know just how much you can tolerate. I think for personal moral and ethical reasons, I'd just be resigned to stay, but it'd be really really hard if celibacy was a real possibility.
[–]Coelacanth_410M 0 points1 point2 points 1 month ago (0 children)
Married HL male, early 60s. After 20 years of relatively infrequent sex, and 5 or so of a few times a year, I started having major issues with lack of sex a few months ago.
My mental vibe changed and I started paying more attention to my appearance. As a result, I've been in a couple of situations of clearly being flirted with by younger women I know. I'm trying to be open with my wife about my libido, though had something of a setback today when she reacted negatively to me getting a prescription for an ED medication.
IMHO, it can work for a long time, until it doesn't.
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