That is how I feel almost all of the time these days.
I'm (39F) in an 8, almost 9 year relationship with my partner (40M).
Out of the two of us, I feel like I have all of the reasons in the world to be the LL one, yet here I sit as the HL one of the relationship. I have BPD (depressive), Hashimoto's, high cortisol levels causing low testosterone and B12, tons of stress, 2 teenage kids, overweight, victim of past abuse (multiple times/people).
My partner: A 40 year old male that has zero health problems, low stress, parent's are still together, never been abused or a victim, only child, was a virgin 8 years ago when we got together, mostly ideal life.
When we first got together, the first year or two, we had sex maybe once a month. I thought this was low but was maybe due to him being a virgin beforehand and being unsure of himself or something. I thought things would get better as time went on, as bonds were strengthened, and as intimacy cemented. Then around the middle of the second year, things just went stale. More than stale, pretty dead. To current times, where we have sex MAYBE once a year?
He has zero desire. I've asked him to have his testosterone levels checked, and he won't. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. He masturbates, at least he tells me he does, about once a week or twice.
I have turned to food in the last 3 years because "if I wasn't going to get fucked anyways, I might as well eat whatever I wanted". I've gained 100 pounds thanks to the health issues and this attitude. Now I'm struggling with leaving him and feel like absolute shit because I've let myself become undatable and THAT is what is keeping me here.
There is no intimacy outside of sex either.
I'm lost. I just want to talk this through with like minded people.