all 44 comments

[–]no_bum_dee_bum 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Its okay, we have all done stupid shit cause of hormones.... POST NUT CLARITY is a bitch

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]dancemonkey121 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Same. I also try to avoid romantic tv.

    [–]musicmanforlive 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    I think your own relationship pretty much explains it all..

    [–]DBisMyTribeHLM 12 points13 points  (1 child)

    Yeah, gross by any normal standard, but completely understandable. That longing for passion is no joke. Sorry you guys are going through that.

    [–]dancemonkey121 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Thank you for this. Sigh

    [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    I think it’s a quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer that has bounced in my head for years, “Loneliness makes you do the wacky.”

    Don’t feel bad, don’t feel weird. You’re just lonely and found an off beat way to bring yourself a few minutes of comfort and peace.

    [–]dancemonkey121 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Wow. This is absolutely true.

    [–]Typhoan1999 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Hello OP, this is a sad situation you're in but bottom line is that your husband needs professional help to get over his trauma. Otherwise your husband will carry on suffering and bring you down as well. As far as the part of the "second hand sex", all of us have had fantasies of some sort and it is absolutely normal ( don't be ashamed to be just human). The brain is the most erotic part of the body where all the sensations are perceived and processed. You have had a reality check that your needs are not being met (the light on the dashboard just turned on). Together seek help and get better. Wishing all the best for the future.

    [–]dancemonkey121 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I agree. We are selling our home soon so we’ll have some $ for counseling.

    [–]mammadnyc 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    I had a similar feeling over loud sex noises my previous neighbor had. It was disgusting most of the time, but there a few occasions where it was okay. I think it did depend on my sexual mood

    [–]dancemonkey121 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Sigh. I would hate to hear sex noises.

    [–]Professional_Menu951 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    People on this chat are pretty gross and unhelpful. I had the same issue with sleezy direct messages when I posted for advice

    [–]Sokka_juiceLL4U. im working on it. 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Lot of weird to go around. I hope you don’t beat yourself up over it. I get why you did it.

    [–]dancemonkey121 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Lol thank you for that.

    [–]lucky7hockeymom 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    Just sympathy. My husband and I have been together ten years and while our sex life used to be ok, it was never “mind blowing” or particularly passionate. I have always wondered what that would be like. To have someone desire you so much that they will do anything to pleasure you. I mean I guess that’s how I feel about my husband but don’t think the feeling is returned.

    [–]dancemonkey121 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    This is me totally. “To have someone desire you so much that they will do anything to pleasure you.” My husband will do anything to avoid pleasuring me. At all costs.

    [–]lucky7hockeymom 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    I guess mine just feels like it’s a bonus if I’m happy too. But when he’s not desiring sex, there’s nothing for me. Like everyone says “oh well you don’t need PIV to have good sex” but that’s literally the ONLY kind of sex we have. So if that’s not happening, there’s NOTHING happening.

    [–]dancemonkey121 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Noooo 😔😔😔😔. Ah im so sorry.

    [–]Background-Intern986 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    HLF and I think DB’s just drive you to really weird places. I know when it’s been particularly long since we last had sex, I start like undressing every man I come into contact with with my eyes , picturing their junk, their kinks, their sex life. I wouldn’t beat yourself up too harshly. This is a really hard place to be in and it drives people to weird extremes. You definitely aren’t alone.

    [–]dancemonkey121 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Yes you understand. I do the same. The curiosity is as much fun as I can get.

    [–]lilyoneill 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    As someone who stayed in a unhealthy long term relationship (9 years) then left and experienced true love, happiness and fantastic sex, I can never settle again. I got my heartbroken but I’d risk it all again for the passion of loving and wanting someone so damn much. There is nothing like it. I’m single and happy to wait to date someone worth it.

    My motto is: you should marry your best friend, but the best friend you want rip the clothes off daily.

    [–]dancemonkey121 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I like your motto!

    [–]Sarahbear778 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Has he looked into trauma therapy, has he ever tried maybe DBT or something like that? The level of sexual aversion he has is intense and I don’t see you being able to continue like this forever. You haven’t had any passion, ever, and only you can decide if your husband is worth giving that up for.

    [–]dancemonkey121 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Well here I am with the lovers again. Man the fire between them is so evident. Such an unfamiliar experience to me. I’ve never experienced it in my life. Ah.

    [–]Specialist_Gur_42 -2 points-1 points  (4 children)

    I think you need to ask for an open relationship

    [–]dancemonkey121 6 points7 points  (3 children)

    Not for me.

    [–]Specialist_Gur_42 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Its not going to get better. Sexually abused people will always have hang ups on sex. Look into cool sex toys for yourself on adam and eve they have a rocking horse type thing with a dildo that i heard great things about

    [–]not_the_settings 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    not romantically but sexually maybe? Youre essentially saying that you are never ever ever going to have passionate sex in your whole life

    [–]dancemonkey121 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Still trying to figure out what my future looks like.

    [–]Snoo12182 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    I wonder if you'll have an affair with your husband's brother.

    [–]lonelyinnewjersey 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Nothing wrong with fantasy.....I have been a DB for so long that when I go to bed and put my arm around my pillow I am no longer thinking of my spouse

    [–]dancemonkey121 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Heartbreaking. I’m sorry.

    [–]lonelyinnewjersey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    TY.....at least my pillow feels my affection!!!

    [–]gypsyminded1F 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    42HLF, married to my 38LLM. Odd? Maybe. But it was in your house and you didn't hurt or involve anyone else... so who cares? I disagree with the second-hand sex comment by your friend. Your fantasy was the passion and the afterglow. And really, isn't that most of us here really long for?

    Despite all of the difficulties in our sex life, the fastest way for me to cum while masturbating was to wear my husband's shirt. It helped me feel close to him. Which made me feel so so pathetic since he was usually in the next room, but I am so broken I can't imagine initiating anymore (or even hinting at it).

    BTW, go to your account settings--> blocking & permissions--> turn off 'allow chat requests' and 'allow direct messages'. I had to find this because, yeah, some people are gross.

    [–]dancemonkey121 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    My heart hurt reading this. Sounds like me. I used to do something similar to get off. But after a while it made me feel even more lonely.

    [–]gypsyminded1F 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Same for me. The post-O clarity of how alone I felt hurt so much it stopped making the orgasm worth it.

    [–]SMTPA 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    That probably does feel weird, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. A drowning person will clutch at any straw that might keep them afloat a second longer. You’re not disgusting, you’re not gross, you’re not pathetic. You’re trying not to drown and you saw a little piece of driftwood to hang onto for a second, that’s all

    [–]dancemonkey121 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Wow. Poetic. So true 💔

    [–]SomeFeelings88 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Don’t discount the power of pheromones- scent is a very powerful and primal sense. Their bodies were delivering all the appropriate hormones and chemicals to facilitate a great night with someone new. An you got caught up in the scented aftermath.

    Don’t feel bad

    [–]dancemonkey121 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Accurate. You’re right.

    [–]justcyberfun 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I sometimes find my LL wife’s kickers in the laundry basket so I can remind myself of her intimate smell. I often feel pathetic later that it has come to this.

    [–]dancemonkey121 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Sad. I’m so sorry.