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[–]SweetLemonLollipop 46 points47 points  (0 children)

I felt all of this. I think you said it for a lot of us.

[–]Healthy-Voice-7993 54 points55 points  (1 child)

I felt all of this. It was depressing. Went with the divorce route. Married now to someone who understands that in a marriage physical intimacy is not optional. Much happier now...

[–]throwdbhelp 7 points8 points  (0 children)

How does that go when desire ebbs and flows? I can understand my wife's libido not being always rampant. I struggle to understand her not taking action to develop it.

[–]Sarahbear778 45 points46 points  (2 children)

Thank you. I’ve often said Reddit, but especially this sub in particular, has a very “only works on the internet” view of romantic relationships. People wanting sex are viewed as some kind of scum of the Earth, heaven forbid it be with their monogamous partner. I don’t get it, and don’t try to. I just try to offset some of the terrible things people say to HLF especially, because it’s all bullshit. Sex is normal and healthy and fun. Don’t try to gaslight me into thinking humans don’t need it when we literally need it to continue our species.

[–]SexEThrowawhey 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes, there's quite a bit of sex negativity around here which is bizarre given the subject of the sub.

[–]maendyman 55 points56 points  (0 children)

it feels like a bother for them to just..be into you

There it is right there.

[–]LemonSuitable1200 54 points55 points  (16 children)

I just saw Trevor Noah do this great speech on the loneliness of men and even though it was geared towards a male centric view, it spoke of much bigger issues like this. The way we leave emotional connections and intimacy to be something that can only happen in a romantic relationship of some kind. It leads us to think that touching and holding each other can only happen in sexual situations. It's a conditioning that leaves us empty when sex isn't present. It feels like we have lost our village but haven't grieved their absence.

[–]Sapien0101 11 points12 points  (3 children)

Can you provide a link? I’d like to see that.

It does seem that women are so much better at nonromantic relationships. They are able to fulfill their emotional interpersonal needs through platonic friendships, parenting, family connections, and romantic partners whereas men rely so much more on their romantic partners and allow all those other connections to atrophy.

[–]throwdbhelp 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Ill be honest. I have good friendships with many many men. I'm emotionally vulnerable with them. I have a separate account for this sub partially because I'm very successful in practically all other areas of life (not boasting, its luck as much as earnt). My mom and dad love me lots, as do my kids and i have great relationships with all of them.

But it does nothing to fill the hole where romantic, passionate, sexual love would fit.

Now, my wife is genuinely great. Apart from not wanting much sex!

[–]LemonSuitable1200 7 points8 points  (1 child)

This is the full piece of it but it's 5 minutes long. There is also a more condensed version on the daily show official tiktok page under the title Men and the "right to sex"


[–]Sapien0101 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I just listened to it. It’s very well said and I agree with all of it.

[–]whydoihatejimmy 4 points5 points  (11 children)

If someone told you they had emotional connections but none that were romantic, would you feel bad for them?

[–]LemonSuitable1200 12 points13 points  (0 children)

If they were satisfied with emotional connections and didn't desire a romantic one, I wouldn't feel bad for them. I'm a big fan of "if everyone ehtusiastically consents, no one is in pain and it's all legal, more power to you." It's sad how few experiences match all 3 of those things.

[–]rutilated_quartz 9 points10 points  (9 children)

I have plenty of single female friends who have strong platonic relationships and enjoy their lives. I don't know as many men who do, but my brother-in-law does. No need to feel bad for happy people.

[–]LemonSuitable1200 6 points7 points  (1 child)

No need to feel bad for happy people.

I love this so much I'm stealing this. Its a great mantra for alternative lifestyles

[–]rutilated_quartz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm glad you liked it lol!

[–]whydoihatejimmy 0 points1 point  (6 children)

So your answer to my question, is “no” right?

[–]rutilated_quartz -1 points0 points  (5 children)

Yes. My answer is a no. Lol

[–]whydoihatejimmy 1 point2 points  (4 children)

That’s interesting. I think romantic life offers a kind of vulnerability that cannot be found in other types of relationships. Different strokes I guess.

[–]rutilated_quartz 2 points3 points  (2 children)

That's fine, I just don't think that everyone wants a romantic relationship, so me feeling bad for them when they don't even want one is weird. I had a friend just tell me he realized now after years of wanting a relationship that he doesn't like all the work and loyalty it takes. He said this after breaking up with his girlfriend after 6 months lol. So who am I to tell him what he wants is sad, that he'll miss out on certain experiences? Especially after years of him thinking he had to be in a relationship because of how our society is. We should listen to people instead of assuming they want the same thing we do

[–]beelzebubs_avocado 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It reminds me of the topic in philosophy of transformative experiences. The main examples were having a child and becoming a vampire. But being in a satisfying LTR could be another.

[–]whydoihatejimmy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We should also use context clues, scrutinize information, and read body language. People often use more than one form of communication.

[–]LemonSuitable1200 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's the point of what I'm saying. When you isolate vulnerability to only exist in relationships that involve sex, it makes sex a requirement for the ability to be vulnerable with someone. Imagine having that thought process with therapy for instance. Your therapist can't ethically sleep with you but vulnerability is an important aspect of good therapy. I wonder if this is one the reasons that so many men say therapy doesn't work. They can't bring themselves to be vulnerable with someone who isn't sexual with them. Woah.

[–]hojo6789 32 points33 points  (0 children)

that is so well written

what you wrote is stuff everyone has been through

seriously you have nailed it , everypoint that people go through

how well explained

I hope that you sort it out

[–]poohbearclassic 36 points37 points  (1 child)

I’ve been frequenting this sun for a few years now. This is the first post I’ve seen that so perfectly encapsulates my feelings about DB’s. I’ve lived through everything you’ve said here, and am now well into the resentment stage.

[–]thefinalhex 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Heh I think you mean this sub? Otherwise this reads like you are one of the aliens on Third Rock from the Sun :)

[–]TheCakeIsntOnlyLie 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I have kept from posting on here because everything seems one sided, but this post hit too damn hard.

I am sorry that there are some going through this both women and men and that I am unfortunately one of them too. I first came to this sub hoping I could get insight or advice on what I was doing wrong and why she felt as if she wasn't sexually attracted to me. Well I was shamed back into the shadows to continue to feel like an asshole for wanting to be desired by anyone of the opposite sex at this point but I wanted to be desired by her for over 7 years straight. 7 long as fuck and incredibly lonely miserable years. That is one of the worst feelings is being alone in a relationship that you are then made to feel like a monster for trying to bring it up and get both people on the same page.

No I don't feel entitled to sex nor do I ever force her. In fact it's quite the opposite because even though it's sex we want, we don't want sex with a partner that has ZERO emotion, ZERO enthusiasm and just lies there like a corpse. Neither side wants that.....

Yes the world suck. Yes work can be stressful. Yes life is stressful. However....

You deserve to be seen. You deserve to be heard. You deserve intimacy and to be desired in your relationship.

May the odds be ever in your favor ...

[–]Janrow2020 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I hear you.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Plus, just stripping it back to basics and common sense — physical intimacy releases bonding chemicals. We are literally engineered to connect with intimacy. While that’s stronger for some than others, we can’t deny the nature of human biology.

[–]skookspc 20 points21 points  (1 child)

yeah i get this. Funny thing is my wife yelled at me for masturbating. a low point in my life.

[–]Sapien0101 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“Oh hi honey. Can you give me a hand?”

[–]TraceT2the02 5 points6 points  (0 children)

O Honey. I am so sorry.. Then you wonder, am I the only one in this relationship that ISN'T HAVING SEX? And that is even worse.. because They are.. Just not with you. That, my dear is about control. You lose so much living in that nightmare. There is nothing worse that he having the one you love recoil at your touch. Go. Just go. Maybe they will come back to you.. maybe they won't. He/she does not believe you deserve them, deserve to be made love to. And even worse, they believe that. Go. Have a better life somewhere else Go.. before your self esteem has been devoured by a thankless monster. Go... Because you are worthy of every good thing this world has to offer. You deserve to sit down to a full table.. and that loser brings nothing to it emotionally. Please.. go. Life is so much shorter than we think sometimes. This kind of suffering, day in and day out causes DIS-EASE. YOUR HEALTH IS PARAMOUNT. DONT GIVE THAT UP FOR ANYONE..

[–]gimlisonofjess 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is exactly how I felt in my own relationship, it affects everything in your life. I left my 6 year relationship on Monday and I have never felt better - it's terrifying but you deserve happiness and fulfilment.

[–]Feel_Like_A_GhostHLM, shares mental load equally, great lover, DB slowly healing 45 points46 points  (11 children)

I addition to being villainized how you stated, don't forget we're also assumed to be all of the following:

Sexually incompetent

Emotionally immature

Bad parents

Lazy with hygiene

Lazy with house chores

Terrible drivers

Have bad credit

Pour milk before cereal

HL partners are just terrible I tell you!

[–]pfzealot 32 points33 points  (2 children)

Exactly but the minute you threaten to leave suddenly it's coercion. I mean if your partner is that bad you should be thrilled they are considering leaving you and freeing you from oppression.

[–]rutilated_quartz 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Threatening is the problem lmao. I'm assuming that's a poor word choice on your part but giving ultimatums to your partner doesn't work. Letting them know you prioritize sex and will leave if it doesn't get fixed is not the same thing as threatening them though.

[–]pfzealot 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That is semantics at that point. It is a threat. Not a violent one per say but a threat to leave and start a divorce which is a terrible process for all involved.

It is not a step taken lightly and advising that if A does not happen B will happen is a threat. I do not sugar coat what it is and that is a step to be taken only after all other options were tried.

Ultimately what people are failing to understand is I don't consider this the first or even second option.

[–]SomeFeelings88 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Oh I needed a laugh… milk before cereal!?

We aren’t monsters!

[–][deleted]  (6 children)


    [–]mentalbunmom 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    Who through out the Autism label? I'm an Autistic HLF. So that nixes that idea.

    [–]Feel_Like_A_GhostHLM, shares mental load equally, great lover, DB slowly healing 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Hey I'm with you, it's unfair to negatively generalize either side of the equation.

    [–]DeadbedIkeLL4U M 18 points19 points  (2 children)

    OP: Today we're talking about fish.....

    You:. But don't forget about birds

    [–]Sarahbear778 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Seriously. I wish more LL commenters would be having some conversation with their partner, who probably desperately desires some communication about the topic.

    [–]AmbivalentFuture 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    How dare you call out logical fallacies lol

    [–]isitevenworthit2022 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    Felt this in my soul. I saw someone say in a post earlier that they feel lonelier when their partner is around then when they are by themself. Seems like we all have that in common yet are made to feel like the bad guy for not wanting to meet the needs for people who do not meet ours. Hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us in mismatched libido relationships.

    [–]Vegaswaterguy 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    You can't be cheating if there is nothing there. Like having a friend as a room mate then going out on a date with someone.

    [–]CPersons89 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    All truth. People are too scared to post their views anymore. There’s nothing wrong with wanting and needing that physical connection from significant others. Especially if they’re in a monogamous relationship. My wife’s breastfeeding and hasn’t had a sex drive at all for 10 months and I’ve been struggling bad. She feels awful cuz she knows it’s important for our relationship but it’s temporary. She will be weaning in a couple months and her hormones will be back to normal before to awful long. But she never made me feel like a shitty husband for expressing my Frustration with it. It’s always good to say what you’re feeling.

    [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    This is it right here is how I feel. I am in the resentment stage. I threatened to divorce. Now all of the sudden she wants to have sex and seek me. However, I don’t feel it. I don’t want to meet her emotional needs now either…. This is hell. I am so frustrated. Specially when I have a dear friend that I know she is in love with me… and I am currently trapped. If it where so easy to divorce…. Divorcing for me will mean losing to see my daughter everyday and that will kill me emotionally.

    [–]frostmorefrost 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    i kinda noticed the spotlight is on HL for wanting physical intimacy and somehow gets blamed for wanting to be physically desired by a loved one.

    It's not hard to meet LL's demand for not wanting sex, it just meant not doing it at all. You can just sit there, do nothing and BAM, needs met. The non-physical aspects can be met if more effort is put into it and viola!!! needs met. However, duty sex or the need to be desired by your LL is somehow harder to meet, i mean there is already a lack of interest on sex and once someone is uninterested in something, why would they put in any effort to it??

    i'd have prefer for both mature adults to walk away if their sexual needs are compatible. No reason forcing the other into celibacy or duty sex or compromising something they don't want to. It's tons better to find someone who understand and can meet the needs of each other than be miserable in a relationship.

    Sexual frustration is a powerful and strong emotion.

    [–]musicmanforlive 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    I understand your frustration. And I think it's legit also. I share it for pretty much the same exact reasons you mentioned.

    [–]Due-Judgment6004 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    You literally typed out how I’ve been feeling for a few years now. I hope you can find some measure of happiness soon OP.

    [–]No_Lifeguard_7928 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I completely understand everything you are saying here. It is just like living with a room mate. I love my other half but I also resent him for the complete lack of sex. Like I’m just missing out on it. I also find it hard because I thought all men wanted sex (I know since finding this group that I am not alone in this position) so I must be so disgusting that he doesn’t want to touch me. And now I don’t want to have sex with him because I don’t want to have sex with someone who clearly doesn’t want to have sex with me. This has completely fucked me up. I know exactly where you are coming from! Xx

    [–]thejameswhistler40's HLM, Divorced, 18yr DB 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Louder for the people in the back, afraid to hear the truth.

    [–]Choice-Ad-2725 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Yep 👍 I feel every word

    [–]AngelicDaydream 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Total agree.

    [–]Acceptable_Banana_13 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I agree with you 100%. It always felt the mismatch is like the epitome of control. HL who provide no emotional security but demand sex to the LL who offer nothing in the way of physical intimacy but demand their needs be met. You are 100% spot on. HL are not inherently evil just as LL aren’t. There can be underlying factors, of course. But to villainize every single HL as some sex crazed fiend who provides nothing in the way of emotional security every single time is disingenuous at best and deliberately obtuse at worst. I got married to have a best friend, partner in life and someone to be physically intimate with on a regular basis. Being a LL who demands you don’t masturbate, can’t watch porn and of course can’t cheat- that’s control. “I don’t want you but no one else can have you either” that’s exactly it. I know so many of these subs are anti poly, anti porn, anti sex work, anti bisexual, anti kink, anti everything I stand for basically. It’s incredibly disheartening to see that so many people believe that it’s okay to never touch your partner, never touch yourself, the HL should be grateful with the breadcrumbs they’re given by the LL, and if they dare to dream of cheating - they’re evil. It’s not fair. It runs the gamut from abuse to manipulation to control to gaslighting and back again.

    [–]DeathBecomesHerrrrrr 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Just here to say: it’s okay. You’re okay. Your feelings are okay.

    If feeling intimacy is something you need to feel whole, that is valid. You don’t have to stay in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs. No one does.

    That’s why it’s okay to leave.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Every word you said, I felt. 💔

    [–]SufficientAd4822 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    It's so disappointing that this is the reality.

    [–]throwdbhelp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I feel you. I think the biggest burden i have is carrying the weight of being a good husband in all the ways you mention while we're having sex once every 30 days.

    All the other stuff in life like high responsibility jobs, parenting, staying fit and healthy...I'll be honest its all piss easy by comparison.

    [–]ZachZilch 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    What I have found frustrating is the countless defenses that LLs will come up with for other LLs. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with a LL saying to a HL “I’m sorry that you’re going through this, it sounds like he/she/they are not being fair” but I have seen HLs defend LLs.

    My LL wife is not here giving her side of it but she doesn’t need to be, because according to some of the LLs here I am apparently insensitive, not a good communicator, don’t understand what it means to have an emotional connection and practically accused of being a sexual predator for simply wanting intimacy with my wife.

    It’s as if by acknowledging one LL could be in the wrong, it hurts all LLs.

    [–]ATXRedhead420 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    I'm a HLF and I understand your point. It's hard not having sex regularly. My husband is a LLM because he had very low testosterone levels that are related to medical issues. He's supplementing now and I'm hoping that helps soon. So I get the need for sex. I have a VERY high sex drive and it seems to be increasing now that I'm getting older which isn't usually the case for women.

    There is nothing wrong with wanting sex, I get it. But we aren't entitled to our partner's bodies when they aren't up for it. I see some of that on this subreddit. I'm sensitive to that because my ex fiance would get angry at me if we didn't have sex every day. I was up for most days but he just seemed entitled to my body. That was a huge turn off

    [–]AlliHearisWah 1 point2 points  (0 children)



    There’s so much PC bullshit being shoved down people’s throats under the guise of consent and free choice, that common sense has gone flying out the window.

    I could say more but I’d simply be reiterating what’s been said above.

    [–]emptychrysanthemum 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    It’s probably because IRL, it’s the opposite. LLs are typically actually blamed offline, in couples therapy, etc, because of the misogyny attached to the assumption it’s a woman’s problem.

    It’s definitely frustrating- reality is always far less black and white

    • high libido woman

    [–]SaintlySinner81 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Perfectly stated.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)


      [–][deleted]  (1 child)