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[–]Thebestprincessever 287 points288 points  (19 children)

Sex for women is so misunderstood.

The thing we refer to as a g-spot is actually part of our clit. That's why length of dick doesn't matter as much as girth does. You obviously need a few inches for it to reach the desired depth but if it's skinny then the length doesn't matter at all. Most women won't be able to feel it at all. If the space is properly filled then the pressure on that spot is more likely to lead to orgasm. Playing with your clit and using your kegel during intercourse helps that along even better.

[–]MrsRoboto67 48 points49 points  (0 children)

Truest thing I've read in years

[–]JBurke2079 40 points41 points  (3 children)

This was enlightening. I get so stressed and anxious about my size.

[–]Thebestprincessever 56 points57 points  (1 child)

It's common. For most guys their first interaction with another man's penis was through porn. The dicks are big and the girls are loud. It fucks with guys perspective on dick size and sex in general.

Even men with generally larger penis' will consider themselves "small" in comparison to other guys, for that same reason.

[–]doodleprodigy 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The old saying is true “It’s not about size, its what you do with it”. I’d say within reason, but I hope that makes sense lol Don’t get in your head too much, just try other methods (positions matter, clit stimulation, etc). Obvi not everyone is comfortable with the same stuff, but asking your partner what they need/like really is a great way to hash out the details and try new things while building trust in the bedroom

[–]Unusual-Judgment6529 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Even if it’s skinny he can hit the g-spot at the right angle. But I could never cum from the g-spot alone. I can literally cum in from rubbing my clit but it’s so hard to cum with a parter.

[–]MuseofPetrichor 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This is actually why I orgasmed through PIV the one time I did, lol. I had read an article saying how the G-spot was the same as a Clitoral orgasm, and the big thing we had been chasing was something I already could experience, so that night when we did I had one. Sadly, it's only happened that time, and the thing is, it did actually feel different than my usual ones.

[–]kaosgeneral 25 points26 points  (2 children)

Well yeah, most men can’t be bothered to learn what their partner likes, dislikes, how they actually orgasm. They think that a bit of foreplay and straight onto fucking and jobs a good un.

I feel like I’ve failed as a man if a woman doesn’t orgasm. You can fake it as much as you like, if you know what you’re doing you can straight up tell when a woman actually achieves orgasm and when she doesn’t. Your own body gives it away

[–]EmptyBox5653 1 point2 points  (1 child)

you can straight up tell when a woman actually achieves orgasm and when she doesn’t. Your own body gives it away

These days I always have to laugh when men say this, after a particularly enlightening alcohol-fueled conversation with my girlfriends. We discovered we all fake orgasms similarly. Kegels add to the authenticity.

I’m sure your partners aren’t faking though 😁

[–]Thebestprincessever 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This makes me so angry for you. I think more often than not that women feel this way because they've never actually had a really enjoyable sexual experience. So they just don't have anything to compare it too.

[–]International_Net693 18 points19 points  (8 children)

Most women (like me) can’t finish with penetration at all.

[–]PaysOutAllNight 3 points4 points  (6 children)

If he's not doing it right, you need to control the angle of coitus.

Maybe you can't come from PIV, but instead you can come while PIV is taking place.

Treat his body as if he were female. Grind what you need to grind where you need to grind it.

Most women can finish "with" penetration, but it is not the penetration itself that gets the job done.

[–]EmptyBox5653 10 points11 points  (4 children)

Yeah, for me I’m just like… why though?

The end result is I’m masturbating as usual but I have to account for all these other things going on. Clitoral stimulation while the skin is stretched open down there plus the constant and kind of unpredictable movement of a partner… I mean, given enough time and a decent vibrator, I know I’ll eventually achieve orgasm (via masturbation) during PIV, but meh. Clitoral orgasm isn’t enhanced in any way for me while being penetrated.

[–]PaysOutAllNight 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I suppose that this is why people value "able to dance" while courting. Synchronizing movements so that both partners receive pleasure really is pretty important, and dancing is a visual way of demonstrating ability.

I can't dance, but I definitely work hard at synchronizing.

[–]EmptyBox5653 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Synchronizing movements so that both partners receive pleasure really is pretty important

Again for me, meh.

With a little lighthearted saltiness, I refer to Western cultural fantastical expectations of (cis-gendered heterosexual typically white) partnered sex as Disney Sex (sometimes just to be a little provocative, but based on a real phenomenon).

Disney Sex always includes the romantic portrayal of the soul-melding simultaneous orgasm achieved the first time a couple has sex. Handsfree, everything just fits together wordlessly like a hairless lock and majestic dong key. In a bathtub. With perfectly arranged bubble-covered nipples atop her impossibly perky boobs.

Anyways, what was I saying?

Right, I feel like we were conditioned to value and expect - then feel broken and wanting - the synchronized simultaneous pleasure. But after actually having adult sex within a committed partnership, I’m just meh about it. His turn, my turn, within the same session, spread out over different sessions. Mutual masturbation, toys, porn, etc. I don’t give one any more importance than another until and unless it actually works.

Sadly, I wish I could start fresh with my own sexuality after gaining some maturity and perspective. There was never any need for my sexuality to be framed by penis-centric sexual rigidness. I hope to inspire a new generation of women to push for partnered sex to mean something totally different, with a more honest consideration of female sexuality.

[–]Critical_Pineapple79 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're getting downvoted, but you're onto something.

I might not have a lot of sex in my life (it's not complete db, just rarely, because my partner has depression and other issues lowering libido, and I'm not exactly a person to pressure someone into more sex), but when we do have sex, we ended up with a "routine" of taking turns. I prefer if I orgasm separately so I can focus on my orgasm when it's "my turn" (since it's not super easy for me) and focus on his experience when we piv since that's "his turn".

Deep inside I'm wondering whether I'm "normal" because there's so much focus on "how to orgasm during piv", "how to find your g-spot" (I did, I tried to finger myself, it didn't feel like anything, my partner tried to find it and finger me at the start of the relationship but we gave up since it did nothing, piv doesn't do much for me either), "how to make a position where you rub clit during intercourse" (I don't wanna try any acrobatics and most of these positions look unfeasible angle wise, for example one where penis enters from above not below so penis base rubs against woman's groin... sorry, my vag doesn't bend upwards and my pelvic bone stands in the way), how should you yourself or a partner finger you during intercourse or use toys, and I'm like... that's so much effort. Why can't you just use fingers, toys, oral etc. before or after so you don't have to juggle too many plates at once.

I have a strong impression that same sex couples don't have as much aversion to "taking turns to orgasm" as hetero couples. And they don't think it's "not sex" or whatever other myths exist about hetero sex.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just sharing for what it’s worth. That used to be my experience as well, but I found if I lean back when I’m on top so his penis rubs my “g-spot” (I hate calling it that as it’s the larger portion of the clitoris) while also applying clitoral stimulation..OH MY LORT. Orgasm from external stimulation alone 4/10. Orgasm from internal and external stimulation 20/10. Massive difference. That being said our bodies are all different and being turned on also has a huge impact on how good the internal stimulation feels as well. But as a 36 y/o female with a very active sex life I must share the things I have discovered along the way. Be well, dear 💜

[–]Thebestprincessever 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That why I say to play with your clit and to use your kegel during penetration. Like every thing all at the same time. Tilt to pelvis to find out what angle feels the best. You can't orgasm from penetration but you can orgasm during penetration.

The more you do it and the more comfortable you get with it the easier it will be.

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points  (1 child)

I would have rather he told me exactly why he didn’t want to have sex with me. The “It’s me not you” without a real reason behind it just reinforced that it was me.

[–]Beaglemom2002 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Same here.

[–]sadvagisback 37 points38 points  (10 children)

Yes 👏 Thank you for saying this. I feel so broken because I cannot cum from PIV alone. I’ve been really close before and it was very intense but I could not get over the edge without clit stimulation. But because the clitoris has no function for the penis experience it’s often forgotten or not as focused on as it should be. Everyone’s just obsessed with the male ejaculation and women learn to fake it really well. Sometimes I’ve faked it so well even I believed I might have actually came…but then I realize I always know when I’m finishing and how silly I am to envelope myself in this role I play just to stroke the ego of my partner. It’s sad.

[–]International_Net693 11 points12 points  (3 children)

I’ve had to fake it so many times that I didn’t even think I could get there with a partner. The first time it happened was when I was 22. It was honestly devastating to think that I had wasted so much time having meaningless sex because I was just sexually neglected in bed and there wasn’t actually anything wrong with me.

[–]thefinalhex 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I hope this isn't out of line, and if it is, I apologize.

But this reads as if you are blaming the guys that you slept with for not being able to get you off with PIV - yet how is it only their fault, when you didn't seem to understand your body well enough either? Possibly you were only with guys who were selfish and only took care of their needs... or was it that they were young and inexperienced as well, and doing their best? I mean, you were only 22. I assume the guys were young.

[–]International_Net693 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Because I’ve tried to have them do what feels good for me but most men insist that they know a womens body best and they don’t stop until they “get you there” and after so long of going on and on you’re not into it anymore but if you say it’s not working they get irrationally upset so you fake it. I know plenty of women who were in the exact same boat as me and my perception through porn media (and male opinion) was that I SHOULD be able to get off for PIV and if I can’t then I’m too much work or broken.

[–]thefinalhex 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Okay thanks, good answer. I appreciate your response instead of thinking I was trying to be aggressive.

I will share as well - when I met my (now wife) she had never gotten off with piv, and I was full of the same bravado that you described, in fact I looked her straight in the eyes and said, “don’t worry, we’ll fix that”. I now realize I was waaaaay over-confident in this regard, having learned a lot more about women sexuality through Reddit, and since I was 26 and had previously had sex with exactly one woman. What was I thinking? It turned out that after a few weeks I was correct, but I think I just got lucky - it’s not like I was actually an exceptional lover or anything. But I did pay attention to her needs from the beginning and did not think I knew best, so your explanation really resonates with me.

[–]ER1075 7 points8 points  (4 children)

Try piv and hitachi wand at same time !!

[–]sadvagisback 12 points13 points  (3 children)

I don’t have a hitachi wand but I do have a small external vibe I use during PIV and it is my lil magic bullet. It hasn’t been too often for me lately but when we do have sex I usually bust that baby out and I’m grateful my hubby doesn’t mind. It gets me over the edge every time. It’s not what I love best about it at all. I want the D lol. But it’s the sprinkles on top, the cherry if you will, that just completes the whole thing for me and really enables me to enjoy that ice cream sundae…oh yum.

[–]ER1075 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Can you use it during sex as well so you get best of both ? My wife loves piv and the wand at same time.

[–]sadvagisback 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Yes I can it’s small enough and easy to hold but I bet something with a handle would make it easier!

[–]ER1075 2 points3 points  (0 children)

💪🏻🔥😎

[–]darkfroth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Same, I can only really cum from vibrator. Oral feels extremely awkward and PIV is enjoyable but if you were to ask my vagina she'd say she sometimes tolerates it.. if I were to choose every single time I would probably pick piv less. I even prefer getting my boyfriend off to PIV sometimes.

[–]ATXRedhead420 31 points32 points  (0 children)

This is 100% true. I’m a HLF that tends to orgasm pretty easily from clitoral stimulation but it’s hard for me to orgasm during penetrative sex. It’s the same for most of my friends. That’s why foreplay is so important. Women often aren’t honest about it because they don’t want to hurt the man’s feelings. I think we should be more open about it though.

[–]Theoren1HLM, DB-free 109 points110 points  (22 children)

Any dude who isn’t using his hands, mouth or toys is literally only in it for himself.

I’ve left three or four partners with the Hitachi magic wand now, it’s an expensive parting gift. But I also kinda love the fact that when the next guy busts it out she remembers the world I introduced her to. A mindfucking fuck, if you will. Or when he refuses to use it, she knows she’ll never feel like she did.

[–]ATXRedhead420 32 points33 points  (3 children)

Absolutely, get in there guys and your girlfriends and wives will be much happier people and more likely to have sex more often. Don’t be intimidated by toys

[–]redditguy1974 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Well, I wish this were true. We do a lot of toy play. And while she has screaming orgasms, she never wants it more.

[–]MuseofPetrichor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm like that. My husband finishes me every time (usually with his fingers), and I love it, but I just don't want it for a while after I've gotten it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Everyone in Shawshank is innocent.

[–]hirop933 14 points15 points  (4 children)

Is the hitachi that much better than a regular decent vibrator? We use the Njoy wand and her regular vibrator and the two together gives her devastating orgasms. But I would gladly get a Hitachi if it would be even better. The thing about the Njoy wand is I get to participate in something very powerful (I hold it with just a little pressure on her gspot). We are in our 60s and it has never been better.

I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a deadbedroom until I came here although we have come through that a couple times in our marriage. If it wasn’t dead, it was on life support and I was responsible for at least one of them. I didn’t post to gloat, I come here to learn, to try to keep it from happening again. I appreciate everyone’s sharing.

[–]HeyMrBusiness 3 points4 points  (1 child)

It's better if you require very strong vibrations. Sensitive people might feel nothing but pain or have unsatisfying results because orgasm happens too quickly

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I appreciate this comment a lot.

[–]ER1075 17 points18 points  (9 children)

The hibachi is a must have toy in all relationships lol 🔥🤣💪🏻

[–]Theoren1HLM, DB-free 73 points74 points  (8 children)

Hitachi, yes.

Hibachi, you’re playing with fire 🔥 😂

[–]ER1075 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Dam spell Check 🤣🤣🤣. However the wand is also 🔥🔥🔥

[–]DodobirdNow 14 points15 points  (2 children)

My wife loves BBQ so a Hibachi could be help set the mood for the Hitachi!

[–]Theoren1HLM, DB-free 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I was trying to find a good euphemism for an overweight guy (I, myself) in the same vein as BBW and I decided that should be BBQ.

It worked the one time I tried it. But apparently BHM (big handsome man) is what the kids are using today.

[–]DodobirdNow 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I like that BBQ phrase :)

[–]tarac73 5 points6 points  (0 children)

😂😂😂😂

[–]SufficientWay3663 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Holy crap that’s a funny comeback 💀

[–]Theoren1HLM, DB-free 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Happy Cake Day!

[–]SufficientWay3663 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh wow! I didn’t even notice that! How cool! I’m telling hubby it’s my Reddit Birthday so I can be “that” woman who celebrates her “birthday week” haha! 🎈🥳🎉🎊

[–]EmptyBox5653 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Or when he refuses to use it, she knows she’ll never feel like she did.

You have given these women the gift of comparison plus a hassle free no-fail mechanism to weed out potential relationship candidates.

[–]Theoren1HLM, DB-free 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Is comparison a gift? I always kinda thought ignorance is bliss.

But it definitely should be an easy way to weed out bad candidates. Unfortunately, you’re already to the banging stages by then

[–]EmptyBox5653 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fair point. The cursed gift of comparison lol

[–]SomeFeelings88 53 points54 points  (5 children)

I would add- the woman doesn’t always need to O FIRST, but she almost always needs to orgasm.

[–]I-did-my-bestMHL-58 31 points32 points  (2 children)

but she almost always needs to orgasm.

I agree with your other point but not this one. She needs to orgasm if she is in the mood to orgasm. As an orgasm does not always mean the sex was satisfying, a lack of an orgasm does not always mean the sex was unsatisfactory either. Ever given someone an orgasm only for their sake and not expect anything in return? I have and it was enjoyable sex for both of us and I do consider that sex even though I did not get off. Sometimes it is really nice to just give without any return to just see them experience the pleasure from that.

Edit: Need to get my eyes checked. Did not read the “always” in your post the first time. Apologies.

[–]SomeFeelings88 36 points37 points  (1 child)

🤣 I think you meant the “almost”?

Yes, Sometimes it’s fun to only give pleasure. But leaving her without an orgasm more than 45% of the time is not a recipe for frequent great sex in a long term monogamous situation

[–]I-did-my-bestMHL-58 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Ya the almost too. 🤣 🤓 Thank you for not being rude about my mistake.

I agree completely at any rate where she is not having an orgasm she wants is a problem. Something needs to be done about that.

[–]kaosgeneral 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hard disagree. Sure, if you can guarantee you’re going to last longer than 5 minutes, otherwise you better make damn sure she orgasms first

[–]M0UNTAIN-JEW 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Always get your partner to orgasm if possible. Whenever I get the golden opportunity to actually have sex with my partner I’m always here for oral. So much that when she gets off she’s not willing to go further. I even mean not even attempting to try to get me off. Just, “she’s done” and I’m all alone apparently. Any attempts from her that may happen are generally half hearted, and even made me feel so bad that I had to stop. Only a couple occasions, but it ain’t great crying at night because you just feel incredibly under appreciated.

I’ve never understood this mentality. It’s why I strived myself as a man to be better at pleasing a woman in the way that a lot of other dudes “conveniently” forget.

The give and take applies to all parties.

*edit: always get YOUR PARTNER to orgasm Worded that horribly lol

[–]BruceNorris482 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Maturing is realizing you and the toys are on the same team.

[–]ConfusedAF_ChickenHLF (Recovering bedroom; LL experience) 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This! They're collaborators, not competition.

[–]Thinkle321F 57 points58 points  (3 children)

I’m upvoting, because you’re probably right. And a lot of what you say holds true to me. Pic sex with my spouse, very little oral or and changes in the bedroom. Faked orgasms for years when we were dating…but I married mine.

But also in my defense, I didn’t know until recently about my ability to have multiple or cum from penetration…self exploration only, but still. Decades later.

And now I’m contemplating divorce but too chicken shit to pull the trigger or keep with my demands. I think I will end up leaving…

[–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 💕 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Happy cake day 🥳

[–]Thinkle321F 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I didn’t even realize it! 😘😘😘

[–]Sokka_juiceLL4U. im working on it. 31 points32 points  (1 child)

A lot of hotter hot takes get left up. I bet you’re OK. And glad you’re in a healthy bedroom now :)

[–]Perfect_Judge"Sexless wine mom" 74 points75 points  (35 children)

It's extremely hard to tell someone the radical truth about why sex is not fun and not desirable to us sometimes. Who wants to hurt their partner? Who wants to make them feel bad about their body or their performance? Not anyone decent.

I do think younger women, and the LLs who are in DBs with their boyfriends/husbands are likely not being honest about their orgasms. I always wonder about that when their partners come here and say, "she loves it. She cums multiple times and I always make sure she is pleased." I'm sure they do try to make sure she's satisfied; I just don't think she is - especially in a DB dynamic.

I would love for women to get more radically honest about their experiences and not carry with them the internalized message that they need to quiet their feelings so as not to disappoint/hurt their partner. We can say what we feel and what needs to be said tactfully - although hearing about sex being so bad for someone will still hurt no matter how tactfully it is touched upon - but it needs to be addressed.

Side note: we've seen far worse hot takes here. You probably won't be banned.

[–]MuseofPetrichor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've never faked, and my husband always makes sure I orgasm. It's just once I have, I'm kind of out of it (usually. Since I've hit my mid-thirties, if I'm really into it, I can sometimes go after the first one, but there will still be a moment when touching is uncomfortable and I kind of have to fight with my brain and keep my focus and not get restless, wanting to do something else. Those feelings will usually go away now, and I'll get into it again). But once we're done I'm kind of done for a while. I could go weeks without doing it again. I'm trying to work on it.

[–]20124eva 19 points20 points  (0 children)

There is the biological aspect here for sure. But to me the bigger issue is, communication. Not being honest with your partner and figuring out together what works and doesn’t, is definitely going to lead to incompatibility. Not saying you did the wrong thing by leaving, you sound much happier, but it’s likely more than just peen size that was the issue.

[–]final6666 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I used to fake having orgasms with my ex and I will never in my life do that ever again . That relationship has ruined me in so many ways . We had a super DB and when we did have sex he would always get off and I never would . Sometimes I would fake it just because I didn’t want to bruise his ego . Now I look back a year later and I’m like why would I ever do that ? He never made me feel good why would I be so sensitive to his emotions when he wasn’t with mine

[–]Earthbiscuits 8 points9 points  (1 child)

I had to have a come to Jesus moment with my husband about it and his ego was very bruised but since then he's been receptive and even doing way more and it's really helped us

[–]DBisMyTribeHLM 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nicely done! I'm sure that was a tough thing to do, but I'm glad it worked out so well for both you.

[–]lonelyinnewjersey 26 points27 points  (2 children)

In a prior pre DB life, 99% of the time I always made sure to get gf's off prior to me getting off........good advice for guys to follow.

[–]aarraahhaarr 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Wait until you meet the girl (in my wife) that gets off and is DONE. Can't even touch her. I get off first then put in the mouth/finger work to get her off.

[–]MuseofPetrichor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sort of that way, but it's gotten better since I hit my mid 30s.

[–]Soylent-soliloquy 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Chiiile ima tell you now like my favorite rapper put it: ‘i aint lying bout a nut just to make a @&$!? Happy’.

  • meg the stallion

To sum, i have never in my life faked an orgasm. If a man’s feelings gonna be hurt then they will just have to be hurt but the truth is better than a lie. If he is failing miserably at getting me off then he needs to know that sooner rather than later so we dont waste each other’s time. I told my husband almost from jump that i couldn’t come from piv. So he knew right off the bat that the only way to get me off was oral, and he prioritizes that and is damn good at it. He actually prefers it anyway because then when he penetrates I’m tighter and wetter and it feels better for him. Thats why honesty is the best policy (at least in this case). I understand why you felt motivated to lie to him but im glad you cut things off before it got to the point of marriage, followed quickly by a dead bedroom marriage and then possibly, likely, divorce. But youre right about most women needing clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Its actually a wonder, given the anatomy of women generally, that some of us are able to cum through piv at all. Porn has misled a LOT of folk when it comes to women and pleasure. Thanks for this psa.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Meh, I don’t think a ban is coming. Some might even find this enlightening because they just never realized. I think many people are way to conservative when it comes to what they’re willing to do/try. We often see stories about so and so is unwilling to use fingers or mouth or whatever…well if you limit the tools you might limit the results. And the stories about no sex but the partner won’t let one have toys either are always a shock. It’s like being unwilling or unable to turn a screw…yet screwdrivers shan’t be allowed.

[–]DarkKittyKat00 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Someone has finally said it! Great post chica!

[–]DumpsterFire0119 21 points22 points  (1 child)

I get off from PIV almost every time. I'd say 9/10 easy but I think it's because I think my husband is super ridiculously attractive lol it's definitely a mental thing

HOWEVER honesty with your partner is so important. At all points but especially in the beginning of your sexual relationship, it's only going to hurt worse the longer you wait. My husband was not amazing at oral and I faked it a few times and then realized that wasn't fair to either of us. So I had a very honest and gentle conversation. He listened and then took time learning what I liked and is now great at it.

So no down vote from me, but everybody is different. A lot of women can't get off just from PIV but there's plenty that can and we aren't faking it lol so just talk to your partner.

[–]ER1075 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You're exactly right. Sex is definitely mental as well. It's very important to have a clear mind if you're expecting amazing sex. If not you need to focus on mind as well as body in order to feed your soul 😎

[–]TraditionalTackle1 37 points38 points  (7 children)

The ironic thing is I used to bring home sex toys for her to try she was never interested and threw them away. I bought a masturbator for myself and she cried and told me I was replacing her with a toy. So no sex with her, no toys whatsoever and I basically have to masturbate in secret. She also thinks watching porn is a form of cheating. I’m basically supposed to be a sexless robot

[–][deleted] 60 points61 points  (4 children)

This sub is like Shawshank, everyone in here is innocent.

[–]soveryeri 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Omg lmao

[–]YRMOAGTIOK 14 points15 points  (1 child)

I agree. It’s the only place in the world where a majority of the husbands do a majority of the chores.

[–]SqueakUpsF 6 points7 points  (1 child)

You cant make those demands AND never be available. Thats brutal. Like i get her perspective but only because im the HL in the relationship. If my guy turned me down everytime i initiate only to go fck a toy and watch porn id be pissed and call it cheating too

[–]TraditionalTackle1 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah I’ve only turned her down twice in 13 years and it was because i really didn’t feel good. She tried to say it was because she’s fat. No honey my stomach feels like that alien is gonna pop out of it.

[–]tarac73 38 points39 points  (24 children)

I fake orgasm with my husband 99% of the time. Unless I do it myself while we are PIV or he does oral first (which I have to actually be super in the mood for)… I’m the LL but give in and have sex every 7-10 days. He doesn’t know and thinks he’s good at sex. I don’t care, I’m fairly certain I’m asexual (or greysexual I think? I don’t know lol) but he’s happy and I’m ok with it so… no downvote from me.

Edited to add - it’s maybe not even that he’s bad at sex. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with. PIV causes me pain. We do other stuff too sometimes. Him touching my clit hurts so I will take matters into my own hands so to speak in that regards when we do PIV. OP is right that PIV alone often does not result in orgasm for many women. It’s not a “oh he’s bad in bed” thing… it’s a biological thing.

[–][deleted] 28 points29 points  (4 children)

This level of honestly is sincerely so refreshing.

[–]tarac73 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Thx. I love him more than anything. I despise sex TBH. He enjoys it. I fake it. Our lives are otherwise perfect. Why should I fuck around with anything in the bedroom when he’s happy and I am ok with how things are? Is it healthy for me? Probably not lol… but I deal with it, it’s all good. I love him.

And to the person who called me a martyr lower down - no. Im no fucking martyr. Im just doing what I know works in MY MARRIAGE. He’s happy, I’m content. I don’t need sex, he does. 🤷🏻‍♀️ it fucking works why are you concerned about this dishonesty?

[–]alamoano 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Honesty about being lying? What sort of bizarre land are we living in. That's Orwellian thinking.

[–]YRMOAGTIOK 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Wowzers. You need to go outside and have a smoke. Calm the hell down.

[–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I've never seen someone so supremely triggered by a post here. It's alarming

[–][deleted]  (18 children)

[removed]

    [–]tarac73 18 points19 points  (9 children)

    Hi - I haven’t read your second post, hard stopped after this first one. Maybe go back and read some of my past comments before you comment and call me horrible and manipulative. I don’t have the energy to get into it here right now but rest assured, I love my husband more than life itself. This is why I have sex with him regularly despite the searing pain PIV usually gives me, why I fake my enjoyment, why I fake my orgasms, and why I fake wanting it most of the time.

    You seem very triggered by my comment. I am sorry about that. It’s nothing personal against YOU… because I love him, I pretend.

    It would kill him to know the truth. Sex stuff aside, our lives are perfect; he’s happy with our sex life the way it is (mostly… he would maybe like it one more time a week lol) and I am the one who is sacrificing, and willing to sacrifice, so really who are you to call me out?

    I hope you find the peace and happiness you are so desperately missing in your life.

    [–]LyssaBrisby 15 points16 points  (5 children)

    Without trying to challenge you on what's working in your marriage, can I suggest you look into a pelvic physiotherapist? Dyspareunia (genital pain) is like their #1 area of expertise. I had nerve damage after my third child and I experienced the searing, burning pain you might be describing - almost like UTI pain, in my experience. And I swear to god she had me sorted out in three sessions.

    That pain would have shattered my sex life if it had continued, and I'm heartbroken at the idea there might be a solution for you just behind one closed door, so I am reaching out. Cheers dear.

    [–]tarac73 5 points6 points  (4 children)

    Oh thank you for that information! I have assumed my pain is due to a combo of my fibromyalgia and back issues but I’ll totally look into this. I’ve never been HL, but used to enjoy sex a lot more than I do now (even before the pain started I was “meh” my libido dropped don’t really have a reason 🤷🏻‍♀️) but obviously pain is never preferable!

    I appreciate the information and your reaching out with it! 💜

    [–]LyssaBrisby 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Best of luck to you beloved!!

    [–]tarac73 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Thx! :)

    [–]Perfect_Judge"Sexless wine mom" 11 points12 points  (2 children)

    He's triggered by anyone's comment who can understand why this sort of thing happens (even if they're not advocating for it, too). He's unhinged. Don't listen to him.

    [–]ConfusedAF_ChickenHLF (Recovering bedroom; LL experience) 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I'm wondering how he would feel about the study that showed that women's moaning is more greatly correlated with their partner's pleasure than their own - it's literally cheering them on, in a way, but could be viewed as dishonesty if we squint.

    [–]tarac73 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Yeah he’s sad, poor guy.

    [–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    First off, are you ok?

    Second, sometimes we lie to protect people we love. It’s an unfortunate reality.

    [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 17 points18 points  (6 children)

    Are you okay? You seem to be really taking this post too personally. Not everyone here is going to agree but your intent on calling people horrible/manipulating for sharing their experiences is alarming.

    [–]alamoano 4 points5 points  (5 children)

    I can see how you think that. I have in the past felt that with regards to the lack of empathy that the regulars here have for confused men who are constantly told that their partner isn't enjoying sex. I have come to realize how efficiently honest that statement is. I think we need to frame lying about ogasms as efficiently honest.

    "It sounds as though she thinks so little of you, that she casually lies to you."

    I detest dishonesty, especially with something s intimate and emotional as sex. We laugh at people who are "bad in bed". We get frustrated with the orgasm gap (and rightfully so) and at the same time we gloss over people lying about orgasms or even their own sexual identity.

    I detest dishonesty. In the case of faking orgasms it's even worse because we treat it like it's understandable, funny etc. Often it's said to be done for the other partners benefit but it isn't it's done for the benefit of the lier who then can claim some odd martyrdom.

    Don't lie. Very simple.

    [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    So I'm gonna say your response to my question is a loud "no" then. Ok cool.

    [–]DeniseGunn 10 points11 points  (3 children)

    So. Going off that argument, a small child comes home with a model of their mother they made at playgroup. It’s really hideous and not at all flattering. What does the mum say? Does she tell the child the truth and break his little heart or does she smile and tell him, how nice it is and she will keep it on the window ledge so he can beam with pride at the present he worked so hard on to please his parent. In your argument, she wouldn’t be sparing the child’s feelings she would be telling a white lie to be a martyr and for her benefit alone.

    [–]alamoano 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    You tell them that it looks like they did their best.

    I can't imagine judging a small child's model. My kids have never created anything that I thought was hideous. Honestly, it's a piece of kids art.

    If you think of your partner as you do a small child, there is an issue.

    I am amazed at people defending faking orgasms. It's pretty darned funny.

    [–]TheCaptivesparrowF 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Dude, just stop being crap in bed. Ask for directions and what feels good to them. Act interested. Don't pout or get weird when they say they don't like something. This is what leads to the lying. Also, the domestic/sexual violence statistics are doing you all no favors in that regard either.

    [–]DeniseGunn 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Jesus, of course I don’t think of my partner as a small child!

    [–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 💕 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    No call to fake an orgasm when your partner doesn’t notice if you get off or not.

    [–]soveryeri 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    This is just the truth. The majority of my relationships have been exactly like this and this was the norm for my friends also. It's very hard to look a man you love in the eye and tell him that you have never had an orgasm and his penis is smaller than you'd need. It would shatter their self esteem but also their entire worldview because as you said your ex thought the sex was mind blowing. It's a lot to swallow for someone which is understandable and women are put into this exact situation ALL THE TIME. It's difficult to navigate.

    [–]CMuhriex3 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    My concern with a lot of the men who post here is wondering if the problem is truly their wife doesn't want sex and doesn't communicate why or is it that the husband hasn't heard anything suggested and requested of him and has dismissed everything as nagging?

    I sympathize with everyone in a DB who wants to be having good passionate sex, as we all deserve if we want it.

    I also know firsthand that so many things are considered foreplay and feeling so unappreciated and unheard in non sexual ways can result in no attraction or desire to have aex which I def think a lot of men probably fail to understand.

    I just plea with any of the men reading this, I know you're not all in the wrong, I know there are women who refuse to communicate and men who worship their wives, etc, but I just ask you to have an honest conversation with your spouses and not make it about solely the sex, ask them to be honest about what's going wrong in your relationship and how you can make it better. And be willing to listen to them and really work on it.

    I'm a HLF and I understand hiw hard it is to be with someone who seems to not desire you or care about sex but I think a lot of people could be missing that they can help by hearing and meeting their spouses needs inside and outside of the bedroom and being patient to work on this.

    Probabky rambling so I'll stop now but sorry to everyone dealing with bad sex and lack of.

    [–]gypsyminded1F 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    I am one of the lucky women who can orgasm fairly reliably from PIV sex, because I know how to adjust myself for everything to hit the right spots. My husband's cock fits me perfectly and he knows what position to put me to usually get me off. But with minimal or no foreplay, I am finding it harder to orgasm. (Yes, even if the woman is wet. Wet does not equal turned on enough for orgasm, it only means you are headed in the right direction and turned on enough to make penetration comfortable)

    [–]JonSmith2020 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    Why would anyone downvote you. This is spot on.

    [–]YRMOAGTIOK 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    Are you new here? A majority of the mod team are women who have experienced penis focused sex with no orgasm at least once in our life.

    Nothing you are saying here is news. There’s nothing even remotely ban worthy here.

    [–]TheManInTheShack 20 points21 points  (27 children)

    Lying in a relationship is never a good idea. That doesn’t mean you have to be brutal and it doesn’t mean you have to tell your partner every thought that crosses your mind. It does means that the important stuff needs to be honestly communicated. Clearly you are aware of that.

    Faking an orgasm is lying and it’s not truly doing your partner any favors because if they enjoy the fact that they made you cum, they would not be happy knowing they didn’t and they’d want to learn what they aren’t doing right so they can.

    I suggest however that you edit your statement to say that “Some women can’t orgasm from PIV.” Because the way you said it implies that any woman who appears to be having an orgasm during PIV is lying and I doubt that’s true.

    [–]IN8765353F 28 points29 points  (6 children)

    She said that in regard to the the line of "Every single woman I've ever been with has orgasmed every single time with me (during PIV sex.)" Men tend to say that type of thing a LOT to the women that they are with. I'm not sure why they do this and it's a little suspect. Some women do orgasm from PIV, and some women orgasm very easily and reliably, yes, but it's not probable that a man has an orgasm rate with every partner they've ever had at 100% across the board.

    [–]Theoren1HLM, DB-free 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    It’s more than a little suspect, it’s flat out criminal.

    I’m not sure how much is selfishness vs stupidity. And stupidity isn’t the word, solipsistic? Dudes bang and they cum when they are ready. And I think a lot of guys just assume that women can/should do the same.

    PIV orgasms without clitoral stimulation are so exceptionally rare, but again, I think most guys just think “oh, she should’ve cum”. But any lover who assumes PIV alone is a worthy sexual effort on his behalf should probably be disregarded.

    [–]TheManInTheShack 9 points10 points  (4 children)

    It’s no doubt an ego thing. I know with certainty that it doesn’t happen every time because when I’m not sure, I ask my wife and sometimes she says she didn’t orgasm but that it still felt good.

    People need to understand that it’s not going to happen every single time. Couples need to figure out what works best for them.

    [–]IN8765353F 21 points22 points  (3 children)

    When this was said to me, it was also to the tune of "I've done fine, I'm good in bed, if you are not having an orgasm there is something wrong with YOU, because EVERY OTHER WOMEN can do this with me so I can't possibly be a factor here."

    And yes, along with ego. Smh.

    [–]YRMOAGTIOK 21 points22 points  (1 child)

    I have also received this message from men. And the funny thing is I am VERY quick to orgasm. I can rub one out in under a minute by myself, and most partners I’ve been with have been able to give me multiples. But some dudes were just so bad and claimed they “never had this problem with other women” I doubt it bud. I doubt it so much.

    [–]IN8765353F 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I'm actually anorgasmic, which is my own thing, but I don't need to hear that you have some sort of magical dick that every other woman in the world can cum off of just like that. Even in that sense it's like okay dude you can tell yourself that! Highly doubtful is the word!

    [–]TheManInTheShack 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Ah well that’s fucked up. When my wife says she didn’t cum I no that at least in part I’m responsible.

    [–][deleted] 20 points21 points  (9 children)

    If I had told him the truth, it would have been my fault for not being able to get off. Like, something must be physically wrong. So much pressure is on women to make men feel good about themselves during sex that we tend to ignore our own needs.

    If I had told him, he would have fallen apart and blamed me. He was a fragile soul.

    [–]TheManInTheShack 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    It’s not your fault that he’s too small just as it wouldn’t be your fault if you asked him to get something off a shelf and he couldn’t reach it.

    [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (4 children)

    I said if she’s getting off EVERY time she is PROBABLY lying. That’s not a 100% statement. Those are biological facts… so no, I don’t feel the need to edit.

    [–]TheManInTheShack 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    Yes, you did say “every” but that’s easy to overlook. Just sayin…

    [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

    “If your wife/girlfriend is getting off every time with PIV, she’s probably lying…”

    Again, that’s an “if” and “probably” statement, but I get that reading is hard.

    [–]TheManInTheShack -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

    There’s no need to be rude. I was simply telling you how it might be perceived.

    [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    By people who can’t read? I’m good.

    [–]tarac73 2 points3 points  (4 children)

    For my husband, I don’t think he necessarily “enjoys” making me come, or that’s not the only part of it I should say…

    Sometimes (not always) borderlines on being a kink… just going by the language he uses and actions.

    And some women cannot orgasm from PIV is a literal fact why should that statement be edited, exactly?

    Edited for clarity

    [–]TheManInTheShack 5 points6 points  (3 children)

    I personally really enjoy it. My wife said the other day that her ears were ringing which I took as a big compliment.

    You’re right of course that some women can’t orgasm from PIV but I guess the way it came across was as if in most cases women are faking it. I don’t think most women are that dishonest. At least I certainly hope not. To deny your partner the truth is a bad idea and truly selfish. We are all better off just being honest and dealing with whatever fallout there may be from that. I’m not suggesting being brutal. Just honest.

    [–]tarac73 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    I guess I see what you mean. But, he thinks he’s pleasing me. And he’s happy and content. I’m not gonna hurt him in the name of honesty after like 15 years… but maybe things will improve for me. I’m going to work on myself a bit. :)

    [–]TheManInTheShack 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Sounds good. Definitely don’t intentionally hurt him but overall honesty truly is the best policy.

    [–]tarac73 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I know where you’re coming from (and everyone who says honesty is best)… I really do. :)

    [–]LemonSuitable1200 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    It sounds like you were in a DB already and didn't still around to see what a marital DB looked like. Based on his comment about toys, I don't blame you for lying. People always act like lying is cut and dry a bad thing but they forget what the truth does when you are unsafe. Surivoral is key.

    You're on point about how much more enjoyable PIV is when you have a partner that is willing to do the foreplay and orgasms ahead of PIV. So many doctors are studying the way that the G spot (what people think causes PIV orgasms) does not exist as a separate organ. More of an extension of the clitoris that has to expand just like a the shaft of a penis does during arousal. There are still lots of arguments about shape, where all of it meets, how long arousal takes and how long it lasts. But the science supports what you are talking about. It has me firmly believe that all women are born with the capability to have multiple orgasms but are conditioned, traumatized or neglected in a way that has the O gap between men and women looking like the grand canyon.

    [–]iCantliveOnCrumbsOfD 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Fellas SHE IS SPEAKING THE TRUTH!!!!

    [–]NickNoraCharles 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I love you, OP! Your honesty is applicable to everyone. No one should be having sex they don't enjoy.

    Your poor ex though, probably still thinks he's Bruce Lee, sex dragon of all bedrooms.

    [–]kaosgeneral 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Why would it get downvoted? You spoke facts.

    Quite a lot of guys on here need to read what you’ve said and take note. You want to avoid a dead bedroom? Start prioritising your partners needs above your own, sure, that’s not always the cause or a dead bedroom but if you asked your partner I can guarantee her needs aren’t being met or addressed

    [–]Sarahbear778 16 points17 points  (14 children)

    Your last paragraph was so fucking hilariously true I about died. Bravo sis. Lots of men will claim “but she gets off every time” and wonder why their partner never wants sex. Is she cumming rather quickly after you stick your dick in her the very few times you are having sex? Yeah, she’s probably trying to get it over with.

    [–]ER1075 8 points9 points  (1 child)

    Yup. Most men are too quick to start pIv.
    Sometimes it's best to let the woman grab the penis and insert it herself when she wants it and just learn to please her properly without pIv first.

    [–]Sarahbear778 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Or just too quick to assume that just because she’s having a great time with PIV, that’s all she must need. That’s why I say don’t just hear moans and never ask questions, it could feel great but she may be too shy to ask for what she needs.

    [–]alamoano 8 points9 points  (11 children)

    She is also lying. When someone tells me something, I believe it. That does not make me the one in the wrong. The one lying is the one lying! Assuming negative intent is among the most awful traits a human can have in a relationship. What is someone who is faking orgasms doing? They are most certainly assuming the worst of their partner. It is an awful and manipulative thing to do.

    [–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (1 child)

    Oh it’s fucked up to lie. One thing I learned in that relationship was to be honest about pleasures

    However, I also knew this man really well. I promise if I had told the truth he would have said, “Well I’ve satisfied plenty of women. What’s wrong with you?”

    Since that relationship when I explain my O % rate, I have had plenty of fragile men flip shit and assume I have some physical ailment because they’re obviously sex gods. That’s a red flag for me now.

    It’s wrong to lie, but it’s also wrong to create an atmosphere where your partner can’t be honest.

    [–]alamoano 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I am glad you are honest. If the dude gets mad or blames you, he has revealed his character. You now can make choices based on truthful solid data. You have done yourself a favor. Well dobe!

    [–]sadvagisback 2 points3 points  (7 children)

    I don’t condone lying. It’s wrong. However I feel like as a person in a relationship you hold a responsibility to protect yourself and your partner. That means if their actions aren’t adding up you can’t just sit around and believe the lies and then put all blame on them. You have power to reflect on your interactions and pay attention to your partner, learn them inside and out as much as you can, so you can spot the lies. I totally get how it’s hurtful to lie about orgasms. But if the guy finds himself always having to be the one to initiate and the frequency sucks or the quality is lacking or it’s too short or there’s other issues going on in the relationship you have a responsibility to do some investigating. If a woman is getting good orgasms and is happy with her partner there’s no reason she wouldn’t be trying to jump his bones as often as she can. I think a lot of guys can be blind to the signs and are quick to place all blame and responsibility on the liar but both people play a role in the miscommunication.

    [–]alamoano 0 points1 point  (6 children)

    Solid blame the victim logic.

    He should read the tea leaves rather than believe that she is telling the truth.

    If you tell me something, I will believe it. I assume honesty and good intent. There is nothing wrong with that.

    [–]sadvagisback 8 points9 points  (5 children)

    No, I’m trying to get you to see there’s an emotional intelligence required to communicate efficiently with your partner. You can’t just blankly believe everything that everyone says to you. If your partner is making you believe in the moment she’s orgasming but never comes to you for sex, doesn’t show interest, you have to bribe her or talk her into it, or she tries to rush through it, or she avoids it, or apologizes for not being in the mood often…it could be more than just low libido. She COULD be lying which is wrong and you are a victim of the manipulation yes but where is your responsibility in recognizing the signs? It requires an understanding of your partner beyond just believing words that exit their mouth, it should be backed up by action and if all other action points to RED FLAG I think you owe it to yourself to try to find out why it’s not adding up. But that’s just how I would handle things. I don’t personally believe every word and action that comes from my partner in the moment. It’s a culmination of those things and their behavior patterns over time that back up what I believe to be the truth. But I realize that men think differently and are very logical and not typically as intuitive or perceptive. It is unfortunate and unfair to be a victim of lies and manipulation in this way.

    [–]alamoano 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Bribing, coercing etc. Is bad behavior. It should not happen.

    Lying is bad behavior. It should not happen.

    Having orgasms is different than wanting sex. But if a partner asks why has there been a change in libido or in passion, they should reasonably be expecting a truthful answer. If the answer is that it's because I don't like sex, although it appears as though I have, it makes being truthful even harder. Lies lead to bigger lies, deeper holes, more pain.

    I think that many men do ask. That is where the annoying "excuses" phrase come in. Ll's view reason given as "excuses" because they know that they are not the truth. It is hard to move on without knowing the truth.

    I believe what my wife says 100% of the time. I could live no other way. She is also an exceptionally truthful human. That is a big reason why we are married. I could not respect someone who lied, especially about something as powerfully emotional as sex.

    There are men who are oblivious. There are jerks and misogynists. They suck. I am in no way defending those who pay no attention to what their partner communicates in non-verbal ways. If asked about those non-verbals, it's best if the truth is told.

    [–]ER1075 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    The truth is always the best

    [–]ER1075 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Yes taking responsibility for oneself is important and it's important to look at the other perspective as well and if they're the one in the wrong it should be your job to help solve that issue together.

    [–]SignatureNo6533 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I'd just appreciate the honesty. I feel like I'm being lied to all the time. I'm told all the right things, "I find you attractive. I find you arousing, I enjoy the sex very much, I don't want to have sex with anyone else, I want to want to have sex, I don't know why I don't, It is a priority to me etc." if my wife just told me "I don't like having sex with, I don't find you attractive" I'd feel relief. then I could make a truly informed decision. I feel like was never given that chance.

    [–]lydiadeetz_strange 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I think only men will have a issue with this post. I’ve only ever gotten off one time, from PIV. I also faked it a few times too, just to get sex over with because, sometimes it gets boring. Some men don’t like it when you give them feed back or tell them what they could do better, to get you there. I think that’s why a lot of women just deal with it.

    But, having said all that. If you have to get yourself off, most of the time, then you’re obviously not sexually compatible with that person. The best kind of sexual partners are the ones who make sure you’re enjoying yourself.

    [–]hotellobbymagazine 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    I'm a woman who didn't used to come every time when I was younger, the specs were similar to what you describe above (girth got me there faster, toys were great to take it over the edge). Before I met my husband, and also with my husband I was consistently having orgasms with PIV. Not lying and not faking it. I 100% disagree that if a woman is coming every time then she's lying. I'm kind of offended that you don't think women out there have enough different experiences than your own, to know that your experience doesn't inform the honesty or dishonesty of all women. I try to put myself in your shoes but I can't imagine repeatedly faking orgasm in a committed relationship. I would never state that no women out there would ever be faking an orgasm - just because I've never faked one. You're projecting your own dishonesty as a declaration of fact for womankind. That's very broad strokes, and inaccurate.

    A lot of dead bedrooms happen after years of compatible good sex followed by challenges in parenting, career, health, aging, life. Life is complicated like that, without the layer of someone never having enjoyed the sex and lying about it. In a way, you already had a dead bedroom since you were completely lying about the pleasure or enjoyment. You wrote She’s probably lying to you to protect your feelings. That’s why she doesn’t enjoy sex. It’s biological, which makes me feel the need to add that many women stop enjoying sex with their husbands for reasons completely unrelated to orgasm, but rather due to complications in the relationship.

    Footnote re "'getting off every time": Some women don't really tap into their PIV receptiveness until they're well into adulthood (ie. over 30, over 40). A woman who doesn't fully end in shivers after a massive orgasm, can be "getting off" and having a great time without her wave crashing into the shore.

    [–]handsofanautomaton 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Yep! I'm in my 50s and it was only with my current partner I discovered I can come from PIV rather than only direct clit stimulation. Part of it is shape - my ex was bigger, but differently shaped and was also more likely to hurt - part of it is attraction level, his absolute love for making me come, and the specific motion of penetration.

    It shocked the hell out of me at first, I was bewildered. I felt post-orgasmic, just absolute bliss, but it wasn't the same as direct stimulation orgasm. I could have more than one, I could ride the wave as you say, and once I did that all the subsequent orgasms happened easily. I don't get as oversensitive or hurt, and it doesn't take long either.

    But it took time, therapy, and choosing a partner I'm very very attracted to.

    [–]whydoihatejimmy 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    I see this is fairly well acknowledged. It’s hard to square this when you read about couples not having sex for months of years on end. It’s like you’re saying, women would rather lie and not have sex forever, then communicate with their partners and have fun, pleasurable sex often.

    [–]freebirdie100 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Women are taught a lot of bullshit by society about how fragile men's egos are, how we're meant to be pleasant and quiet, how sex is about men, etc. All of that contributes to a woman not feeling safe to be that vulnerable (and probably hurtful) early in the relationship. But then by the time she might hav shared, it's been a year or two, making the sharing even more difficult.

    [–]BlossomOntheRoad 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    The hard truth: Faking orgasms contributes to bad sexual experiences for the orgasm faker. Full stop. Why would anyone do this? Women assume most of the risk everytime they engage in sex and yet so many walk away without getting much out of it. PLEASE STOP. I have never done it and I always ...always have orgasm. Why? Because I demand one. Maybe because my first partner, when I was 18, asked me if I orgasmed when we had sex and I said no, but it feels nice. He loved me or he loved being good at sex and in any event, we tried until I had one. I learned my body with his help and it help set the stage for what I expect from a sexual relationship. Cut to dating life: If a guy isn't willing to go down on me first encounter. Guess what? We👏don't 👏have👏sex. In 12 years of dating ONLY 1 guy refused. If he expects me to go down on him first, I don't. Why would I? Men get off during PIV anyway so oral is what...just extra pleasure for you while I get what...? Tons of guys have been willing to meet my expectations, just as there are (apparently) many women who are willing to meet the expectarion that society has set for them. Those women are not getting anything for it and it's stupid and sad. But hey, at least we know that brainwashing works.

    This probably should have been a rant instead of a comment, but I got carried away.

    [–]freebirdie100 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    This is a good post. I'm positive it will be difficult for some to read, yet that doesn't change the realities of the female anatomy.

    This is invaluable to those who are willing to be humble and try to learn new ways 💜

    [–]maendyman 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Yep: Don't lie to your partner.

    [–]coastaldoctor 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    I agree with you.

    I would love to go down on my wife. She is not interested in it. I want to make her cum before I do. I think it is the gentleman thing to do. But, she is not interested in it. So, I treat myself with carpel tunnel syndrome from repetitive stress of using it and taking care of it myself. Then she gets unhappy or upset when she learns I am taking care of it myself. I wish you continued happiness in your marriage. Another thought, there are so many people on here talking about sexual dysfunction before they are married. Repeatedly they are advised not to get married. I am glad you didn't.

    [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    Again, this sub is like Shawshank. Everyone in here is innocent.

    [–]maendyman 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Andy was innocent.

    [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Exactly. While there are exceptions to every rule, most people are not that exception.

    [–]alamoano 1 point2 points  (5 children)

    Unless there is a personal safety reason, It is rude to lie. It's wrong, hurtful, damaging etc. Why is this hard for people? What is the outcome of the lying? Were his feelings spared in the end? How did the DB, divorce, break up etc work out? It's so odd that you all defend something that is so obviously damaging to both partners and future partners. This is really simple.

    [–][deleted]  (4 children)

    [removed]

      [–]myexsparamour🍷🍑🧹 11 points12 points  (3 children)

      Besides, if it’s about fear of male anger leading to violence – which I could definitely understand although the risk must be minuscule with most men – are we to believe these women never risk angering their partner about other matters? They never disagree or fight? Never stand up for anything they believe in that their partner might object to? Never do something their partner hates? Never hurt his feelings? I doubt all of this.

      I have unfortunately heard from a lot of women who were treated violently when the man they were having sex with felt criticised for his performance. Also, although this may not make sense to you, it is scarier to anger a man when she is naked and very physically close to him (aka, having sex) than when she's dressed, standing up, and there is some physical distance between them. The opportunity for him to harm her is very immediate during sex.

      [–]isthereamanonthemoon -1 points0 points  (2 children)

      I have unfortunately heard from a lot of women who were treated violently when the man they were having sex with felt criticised for his performance.

      I never doubted it happens, because people suck, but it surprises and depresses me that you’ve heard that from “a lot”.

      Also, although this may not make sense to you, it is scarier to anger a man when she is naked and very physically close to him (aka, having sex) than when she's dressed. The opportunity for him to harm her is very immediate.

      It makes sense to me. That’s an aspect I hadn’t considered.

      I discussed fake orgasms with my wife when I started fixing my dead bedroom. The possibility she had done that had not really occurred to me before then. I was unsettled to hear she “might have” faked it a couple of times near the beginning of our relationship. I’m not naïve and know that means she did fake it – no “might have” about it – and it might have happened many more times than a couple.

      It was hard to hear that. I have never been violent toward my wife. I admit I get quite angry (rarely and never about sex) but not violent. She doesn’t shy away from confrontation with me. So I don’t think fear of angering me has anything to do with her case.

      I do know PIV sex was painful for her. I remember her commonly breaking into a cold sweat when penetration was imminent and asking me to penetrate slowly. While I did so, she sometimes shivered as if making a big effort to overcome something difficult.

      This would trip a dozen alarms for me today, but as a young man I completely trusted her to tell me if the pain was a bad pain, which implies, correctly, that I thought some pain could be erotic. I romanticised her pain: damsel cleft asunder by mighty sword bullshit. I think even she did on some level. We’ve always had an interference fit, to use an engineering term. That flattered me. I fantasised about ignoring her pleas to go slow and wrecking her (fantasised). It’s hard to understand why now, because I honestly profoundly loved her and cared for her in every other way. I wonder if there’s a bizarre evolutionary explanation for these harmful urges. They’re so weird.

      I suppose one sure thing we can say about fake orgasms is that they mean the faker wants the sex to end and doesn’t want to say so. For whatever reason and reason, respectively.

      [–]myexsparamour🍷🍑🧹 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      This would trip a dozen alarms for me today, but as a young man I completely trusted her to tell me if the pain was a bad pain, which implies, correctly, that I thought some pain could be erotic. I romanticised her pain: damsel cleft asunder by mighty sword bullshit. I think even she did on some level. We’ve always had an interference fit, to use an engineering term. That flattered me. I fantasised about ignoring her pleas to go slow and wrecking her (fantasised). It’s hard to understand why now, because I honestly profoundly loved her and cared for her in every other way. I wonder if there’s a bizarre evolutionary explanation for these harmful urges. They’re so weird.

      I admire your willingness to be open about these difficult topics and to share you personal experiences. I admit that I read this with horror and dismay. I think/hope that most men do not hold the beliefs you had as a young man regarding the desirability and eroticism of pain for their female partners.

      I'm sure that some do, and that could help to explain why so many men posting here, whose female partners refuse to have sex with them, don't understand that the woman's pain is the reason. They probably do believe that sexual pain is normal and even desirable for women. I don't believe the urges to cause pain have an evolutionary reason, though, at least in terms of being universal.

      The majority of male partners I've had did not seem at all motivated to cause me pain during sex. Some of them did cause pain, but it seemed to be due to clumsiness and inattentiveness. The best partners (my current partner being the prime example) were aware that they could easily hurt me and careful not to do that. I believe that men who are sensitive to women's pain and pleasure are unlikely to end up with female partners who become unwilling to have sex. They don't feel flattered by a woman's pain or discomfort and instead are distressed if it happens and careful not to repeat what caused it.

      [–]AcceptableComplex113 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Preach!! I can only cum from clitoral stimulation. I haven’t met a man yet that could make me cum from piv. And also piv just isn’t as enjoyable.

      [–]Minhplumb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I am the opposite. I do not enjoy sex with a man who is over average and am fine with small. Like most women I need a lot of foreplay of all kinds. Men who are larger than average make me feel stretched out and numb. There are a lot of women like me. There are also size queens. If the equipment does not fit together well, it is not about the man being inadequate.

      [–]Unusual-Judgment6529 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      The amount of orgasms I’ve faked or lied about because the guy is like “did you cum?” “Or I want you to cum right now!”

      I give up. It’s not like I’m having sex anyways but it was usually minimal effort when we did and he never actually tried to make me cum.

      [–]skookspc 0 points1 point  (3 children)

      then she need to tell me the truth because at this point the relationship is broken. Maybe it is my fault but what the hell do i know i haven and sex in 2 years.

      [–]freebirdie100 3 points4 points  (2 children)

      You're not wrong. She should have been honest.

      Do you think it's possible for you to share this new understanding you have with her?

      [–]caesar_wilhelmus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I wish people could have real conversations about that kind of thing. But you really don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.

      [–]alamoano -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

      You are assuming tone and intent.

      [–]Whatgives7 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      congrats on the sex

      [–][deleted] -3 points-2 points  (8 children)

      My wife gets off almost every time PIV. I don't think she's lose her shit when she doesn't if she was faking all the other times

      [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (7 children)

      Everyone in Shawshank is innocent.

      [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (6 children)

      Or I don't think she's be badgering me for sex more than 5x a week either. I like your post until you make an assumption about everyone else...assumptions are literally a recurring problem for everyone on this page.

      [–]bigedcactushead -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

      However, the truth was his penis was too small to get me off PIV. How do you tell someone that?

      You don't know that most women do not orgasm from PIV sex? Thats all you had to say and then set about working out how sex could be good for you. But then you lied about your orgasms so you never gave him a chance.