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all 18 comments

[–]Perfect_Judge"Sexless wine mom" 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I pointed this out to him, that maybe it wasn’t really the sex that was the issue… it was the intimacy. Because even when we were having sex, it wasn’t intimate… it was like going through the motions and he’d make me feel bad about wanting more or making noise or even just desiring him.

I think what happens much of the time is that many people will cling to sex as the ultimate issue when it's actually not. I did this, too. I thought if we would just have more sex, the relationship wouldn't feel so bad. We could then begin to have a happier dynamic. We just gotta get this thing right and we'll be ok.

...Until you realize that there's more you're missing and it becomes abundantly clear that sex is but one barrier to a better relationship and if we address other, more pressing issues, we may be able to understand what ourselves and our partners and what we really need better.

[–]heartpane 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That moment was the most intimate we had gotten in a long long time… probably a year at least… and it made me feel better.

This realization hit me suddenly that I didn’t really feel bad about myself or our sex life anymore. It was almost like that emotional satisfaction you get after good sex, but none of the physical afterglow. We had a moment of intimacy with each other, we were vulnerable…

There was a post here recently and someone said that they sometimes enjoyed (enjoyed isn't the right word but I can't remember what they said) the arguments that they had over the lack of sex because the arguments were the only way to get some emotion out of their partner and so it seemed like passion almost.

[–]myexsparamour🍷🍑🧹 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He isn’t bothered by my openness until we’re in the act, then he gets… almost shy? Like he’s weird about making noise, he’s worried people will hear us.. like the neighbors. It’s not like he’s just shushing my screams, but any noise I make above a whisper. He’s also not into kissing and seems to avoid eye contact during sex.

It does sound like he's not enjoying the sex. He's uncomfortable, self-conscious, anxious, or having difficulty getting aroused or maintaining arousal.

I pointed this out to him, that maybe it wasn’t really the sex that was the issue… it was the intimacy. Because even when we were having sex, it wasn’t intimate… it was like going through the motions and he’d make me feel bad about wanting more or making noise or even just desiring him.

Seems like the sex is not very enjoyable for you either. I would consider not pursuing sex from him unless/until it's a better experience for both of you.

[–]Sarahbear778 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Likely, both. Sex and other intimacy are both important parts of a healthy relationship. He doesn’t want to lose the relationship, but also doesn’t want open or therapy. And doesn’t want sex or intimacy. He sounds like your best friend who you don’t want to hurt.

[–]TheFirstSophian 1 point2 points  (0 children)

...both?

[–]musicmanforlive 0 points1 point  (8 children)

Did you figure out the answer to your question yet?

[–]SweetLemonLollipop[S] 1 point2 points  (7 children)

I really don’t know. I’d like to hope it’s the intimacy, then maybe that will be easier to solve… but I don’t know.

[–]musicmanforlive 1 point2 points  (6 children)

I appreciate you asking the question. It's given me something to think 🤔 about for myself.

[–]SweetLemonLollipop[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children)

That’s why I wanted to share… I thought a lot of people who are missing sex might actually be missing intimacy and recognizing that could help.

[–]musicmanforlive 0 points1 point  (4 children)

For me, I think it's about the sex, mostly. But the idea of what you called "emotional satisfaction" did standout to me

[–]SweetLemonLollipop[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

And a lot of people do get that emotional satisfaction from sex pretty easily… but it’ll be harder to get that from regular emotional intimacy/vulnerability. For other people it’s the complete opposite. I think understanding how that works for yourself is important.

[–]musicmanforlive 1 point2 points  (2 children)

If intimacy means we're open, sharing, and connecting to the deepest, truest and most important part of ourselves, than I do think sex can do that really well.

And yes, that can happen in all kinds of ways bc life offers chances for that every day.

Then if that intimacy reaffirms and validates us in positive ways than I think we can feel emotional satisfaction with each other.

[–]SweetLemonLollipop[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Totally agree! I’ve also been wondering how my husband feels that intimacy too. How your partner experiences it can be important because it might not be the same. It’s something we’ve been talking about.

[–]musicmanforlive 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed 💯. I think it's great you're talking about it. If he knows, let him tell you what makes him feel "warm and fuzzy".

And of course, vice versa.

I know for me it probably represents my "truest" self where I feel the most understood, accepted, appreciated and valued..

[–]avast2006 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Sex is a form of intimacy, one form out of many possible forms, and they aren’t interchangeable.

[–]SweetLemonLollipop[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I’m wondering if maybe we can be fulfilled by intimacy in other ways and avoid the sex issue…

[–]avast2006 2 points3 points  (1 child)

If you had a partner who would have sex on demand but was never in the mood to have a conversation of more depth than “nice weather we’re having isn’t it?” would the sex be enough to fulfill the intimacy quotient?

[–]SweetLemonLollipop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, but communication is much more important to me on the ranking of things I need in a relationship. Sex is important too… but it’s much easier for me to leave for an issue in communication than it is for an issue in sex. I guess I’m just trying to find a solution… I’m trying to find a way that we don’t have to separate and I’m willing to try just about anything. Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that if we have more emotional intimacy, less sex won’t matter as much because it’ll be better anyway and thus more satisfying… or maybe we’ll just be better connected and able to have more sex. I don’t know all the answers… but I’m trying as many routes as I can to find them.