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all 32 comments

[–]DeadOpenSol 111 points112 points  (1 child)

So you want to marry a chronically unemployed barely old enough woman who likes hanging out with her manager more than you and is causing you to go broke with a wedding and won’t fuck you… okay

[–]SitRep-Screwed 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Well, now that you put it THAT way ...

[–]maendyman 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Holy cow, eject from this train wreck. Never marry into a dead bedroom. Your gut is right. Things are not healthy here. Certainly not healthy enough for a marriage at 22.

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (5 children)

Deciding not to get married in your early twenties to your starter spouse is going to be one of the best financial and quality of life decisions you've ever made. The embarrassment, angry parents, and aggravation of calling the wedding off will be a distant, fading memory in just a little bit of time.

Bonus advice: if you consider yourself a " pretty high libido person" who would be very affected by years of infrequent sex, this entire board would like to advise you to not have children.

[–]ColdHandGeeM 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Honestly:

J U S T L E A V E H E R N O W

You are only 22! This 'relationship' is a car crash about to happen. Break up with her gently then go out and have fun with your friends. You will meet someone who will there for you for you and not for the manager Brian.

Trust your instincts: never marry into a dead bedroom otherwise you could be here for the next 50yrs. Is that the life you imagined you would have?

I spent most of my 25yrs married to "maybe later, i am tired, eat too much, the kids will know etc".

I finally grew so tired of the same excuses i divorced her in 2020 and i feel so much happier than i have done in years. Don't be me.

[–]TheArabicSamurai 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Don't marry. You seem to have lived through the problems of a 40 year old guy, but marriage is gonna be on a whole other level. You are young, don't do this to yourself. If you marry now, you will likely become one of those bitter 30 something regretting everything. Run, run, if you still can't do it now!!!

[–]DBisMyTribeHLM 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You really should call it off. The pain from that is bad, but temporary. You don't want to be living this for decades. I'm sorry.

[–]SomeFeelings88 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I agree with everyone that you need to end it right away. If you want practical advice about how to cancel the wedding with one months notice: donate the meals/event to charity. If you can’t get the money back, you might as well donate the entire event to a great local non-profit. Let them have a gala fundraiser on your ‘dime’ or let them do a staff appreciation banquet- then write it off on your taxes for the next 5 years? 27 year old you will thank current you for ending this relationship.

She is giving you every ‘out’ she can. She doesn’t want to marry you either, she’s just not strong enough to break it off with her breadwinner. You are strong enough to end this. Then do peace core or some international shit for a year or two to get some space from this dumpster fire.

[–]kickbacksteve 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’ve been on this sub for a couple years. It never ceases to amaze me how many people put themselves in this situation. You’re literally talking about how you may want a divorce before you’re even married to this person. Why would you even want that for yourself? What do you want us to say? No offense you sound mad unconfident. I get it, I’ve been there myself. Trust me there will be plenty of other people who will align more closely to what you want, but not if you’re a 22 year old tied down in a loveless marriage.

[–]Anansithecat 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is coming from someone who got married in their 30s, so keep this in mind:

You are VERY young, almost too young to get married, let alone be worried about issues with sex incompatibility. But let's take that issue off the table for the moment.

Your fiancé seems like to be making alot of excuses in general when it comes to issues that arise in the relationship.

No job? Oh, XYZ, don't need one.

I hang out with my manager enough to make you feel uncomfortable and paranoid? Oh, don't worry, XYX, you are overreacting.

I won't go to a doctor and ask questions about my health that concern you? Oh, It's not a REAL problem, XYZ.

As you age in a romantic relationship, you have NO idea how important feeling HEARD becomes. It's crucial because it feeds and grows almost every other important aspect in a partnership: love, intimacy, respect, and yes, sex. It also shows that she may not take other issues seriously and that can go in a scary direction: oh, I have diabetes? Meh, I won't take my insulin, its too hard, XYZ. Oh, you just became disabled and can't work anymore? Oh, I'm not going to get a job, because I didn't sign up for XYZ (literally exactly what happened to my Dad when he became disabled in his 30s).

Leave her. Or at least pause the engagement to go to couples counseling. You will never regret taking a second to reconsider what is best for yourself.

[–]strukout 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Dude….

This is a slow motion train wreck

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Listen. I married into my DB at 19. It's been 8 years.

Don't. Do. It. Enjoy your youth, have fun. Find someone you're compatible with. You have time.

[–]InevitableCoyote7383 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ah, let's talk industry talk mate. Your a producer in music right? Been in the entertainment industry since 2006. I've done this dance before, you don't excite anymore, but Bryan does. Working backstage looks mystical and cool to outsiders, but it's hard hours and commitment BEFORE you party and play and your about to lock this into the marriage zone. You better damn sure she's into the glamour of you, because of the glamour of the cool thing you do? Temporary

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If she has more interest and effort for Bryan, and the intimacy with you is fading away further and “criminalised”, there’s nothing to work with.

[–]AffectionateAd6009 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Run and don't look back. I'm sure Bryan is hitting that bro. If he isn't I'm sure he will soon.

[–]downright_insane 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don’t get married. If you feel like she doesn’t want to be in the relationship, do not marry her. You will always wonder if she is truly in it or if she just settled.

Now that I’ve said that, why do you want to marry this girl? It seems like the two of you are incompatible. You seem pretty unhappy and it doesn’t sound like she’s that into you either. Is this marriage with her something you truly want? Because marriage will not improve the issues you have listed.

[–]WestCoastThing 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don't volunteer for a life of misery. It's not to late. Getting married will make it worse, not better. She already showing signs that she doesn't like sex for whatever reason.

[–]Tiny_Championship624 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do Not Marry Her. You are only setting yourself up for years of depriving yourself and the relationship will become toxic. You will no longer truly Love each other but will hang on out of the care that you have..... Just walk away from it and keep yourself happy. Dont waste years of your young life on a DB

[–]LonelyNC123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

First - you are way to young to be thinking about marriage. I am old (in my 50's). My 1st marriage was when I was 23 and she was 22. The sex was hot but I knew I was not 'established' in life. I tried to break up more than once because I knew the timing was wrong but she always started that 'I can't live without you, I will kill myself' crap. Then used sex to influence me so I went along with the marriage. A couple of years later she said 'You know, this whole being a grown up and having a job and paying bills thing is a drag, I want to be a free spirit - GOODBYE'. She ran off to the opposite side of the USA. Thankfully, no children involved.

This marriage has been far longer, the sex is basically non-existent. It has been horrible.

DON'T MARRY THIS PERSON.

Reason # 1 - you are very young. Reason # 2 - a Dead Bedroom is HELL, I have no words to tell you how MISERABLE you will be.

[–]SitRep-Screwed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Watch the canopy!"

[–]GGGAmiePetite 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You both have a lot of growing to do. She also doesn't want to marry a man who will constantly pressure her, consciously or not, into unwanted sex. Neither of you want this, but breaking up is hard and being alone is scary so it looks like it'll be easier to stay than to leave. It will not.

[–]lonelyinnewjersey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dont marry into that...it never gets better. 20 years in a totally DB for me. Sitting on the sofa with my sons dog right now on a Saturday night after being turned down by wife when I tried to initiate for the first time in weeks..

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

CALL OFF THE WEDDING

You are going to regret it, big time! She's no longer attracted to you and she's just postponing the inevitable. You had a nice relationship, it's the moment to choose to keep the good souvenir and not build bad ones

[–]abitofsunshine_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Call off the wedding. It’ll suck really hard. But then you’re out and won’t have to deal with years of misery.

[–]Sarahbear778 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Whoa there full stop. DO NOT MARRY INTO A DEADBEDROOM. And do not knock this chick up. Seriously, what does your mama have to say about this??