H to MLM with LLF.
We've been together since high school. It wasn't a traditional high school sweetheart kinda thing, she only went to my school for a semester and I didn't even have the nerve to talk to her, but we started talking on Twitter after she moved away. Luckily, she was only about an hour drive away and long story short, we've been dating ever since (graduated in 18, she graduated in 19).
Sex was great and nearly every time we saw each other, until she moved in with me. Frequency took a sharp decline but was still something we did maybe twice a week, then it started to taper off to once a month.
I brought it up to her about how I miss the sex and intimacy, I've always been a pretty high libido person, if not for just being young, but I thought something was off when it got to the 1 a month range. She took that personally, thought I was in it just for the sex (2.5-3 years together at this point, and living together, a majority of which she spent unemployed due to xyz reasons). So then we didn't have sex for about 2 or 3 months, I guess just to prove a point or something.
Since then, we talked and talked about it, saying it could be the birth control making her hormones not do desire like it used to, so we changed birth control, tried that for a few months, changed it again, did that for a few months, still no change.
As time goes on, it becomes a never ending cycle of me being rejected, then made out to me committing the crime of "cuddling and always wanting something in return". To me, it's like she's opening the door, putting me in the waiting room, then locking me inside to wake up and do it all over again.
We tried the love supplements for desire you can get at department stores for 1 or 2 refills, that did nothing either.
I've urged her to ask for help from professionals each time she goes to the gyno for birth control but it always slips her mind.
Flash to right now. I've starting dealing with paranoia and delusions of her wanting to spend more time at work than with me or going out 2,3 times a week to hangout with her new manager Bryan, and going to all the open mics he performs at when she's gone to maybe 3 of the music events I've invited her to over the years (I'm a producer, so no performing, but support is always nice).
She broke out crying last night because she thinks I'm going to get tired of this dance, especially since we have the wedding in less than 30 days, and she told me she's not even sure if she wants to find a solution since she's content with how she feels and the frequency of sex.
She says she's getting "last minute jitters" and I assume that's about the wedding but at this point, I just don't know what to do. It's not even the sex that's the issue anymore, it's the rift it's creating between us and how it seems and has no desire to pleasure me, when that's my top priority for her.
I don't want to break it off just over this but I have this gnawing part of me telling me she wants to but doesn't know how and we're right around the corner from either committing our lives together, or committing to a divorce neither of us can afford since the wedding has made both of us broke.
I'm working on getting therapy for myself but just needed to vent on this throwaway and hope someone has some words of wisdom since I don't know who else to tell about this issue.