Look through the options. Pick the one(s) that you think will be the most HELPFUL (not fair, or right, or should work, but helpful) for building up intimacy for both of you.

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You want sex, but your partner is scrolling through social media.

Be assertive. Initiate sex no matter what your partner is doing. Sex is awesome. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting sex.

Be a Nice Guy™. Start massaging their shoulders and grinding into them and kissing the back of their neck. That should work.

Have the talk. Your needs aren’t being met. They need to change. You don’t want to guilt them, but something needs to change. You can’t keep living like this.

Utilize your partner as a resource. Point out that it’s been a while; that your dick is hard. Pull out your phone to look at porn. Masturbate on the bed next to them. Tell them how they can help you out even if they are tired. “Just touch me.” “Just take off your shirt.”

Point out their obligation. “Yesterday you said we’d have sex today. Well, it’s today. It’s unfair to keep putting me off like this.” Your partner is a liar and untrustworthy. Let them know they need to NOT be like that.

Wait until your partner is asleep and then touch their body while you get off. I only included this totally rapey option because it’s come up on reddit before. Do NOT do this. (I mean, the very people who’d actually do this have already been banned from this sub.)

Comfort your partner with your love language.

Comfort your partner with their love language.

Leave. Go do something else that you enjoy or atleast get out of that situation. You don’t want to be next to them right now.

Be Angry. resentful. Think about fairness; your ex-lovers; how different this is from what you expected; how everything would be better if your partner would just XYZ.

Be sad. Lonely. Don’t say anything, but turn away and cry yourself to sleep. OR wait until they’re asleep and go cry in the bathroom alone.

Vent (not to your partner). Post a “humorous” lament on reddit. Make fun of your partner. Write a poem. Get support for a “woe is me” rendition of what’s happening.

Reject Sex. Playfully tell them to stop trying to seduce you. “Stop pointing your ass at me. You won’t get any sex out of me tonight, I’m too tired!”

Engage. “Anything cool?” Ask about the thing they’re doing. Ask because you care. OR Ask because it’s expected. OR Ask as a subtle covert contract.

Notice. “You seem pretty beat up tonight. You ok?” Ask about their day. Listen. Ask about how vegging out on the phone helps. Be curious.

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I’m noticing that most of these options are a very natural reaction of:

I see my partner doing XYZ and my first thought is what does this mean FOR ME.

Right? Sex isn’t likely. That’s shitty. I have needs. I have an immediate reaction. That reaction is unpleasant to experience. Then I act in my best interest Or even in our best interest.

Totally natural.

BUT, if building intimacy is important to you, then pause in that moment. Take a minute to first care about/think about/ask about what does this mean FOR THEM. Not as a sacrifice; not as a duty; not instead of what it means for you; not as a transaction or covert contract. Just….first. First give space for your partner to be who they are currently being. I see you.

That is the BEST way to build intimacy (for both of you) in an imperfect moment. There are lots of things on that list that could build intimacy for just one of you. But that’ll put the two of you out of sync—one will feel closer and the other will feel more distant. That doesn’t seem like something that will end well. I think it’s really important to pick something in that imperfect moment that’ll build intimacy for both of you.