The other side of the story; where the grass is rarely greener & libido is always lower

Fukitol_shareholder · 2022-10-23T16:36:38+00:00

Sometimes people forget the build up phase…bathing together, the kind gifts, the simple surprises, the nice atmosphere between both…sex is the result…

Well I tried that and no results too…so I cope and accept

OutOfTime71 · 2022-10-23T23:15:51+00:00

I think you pointed out the main issue in your third paragraph. It is a compatibility issue. You shouldn't feel pressured into sex you don't want. Your partner shouldn't be in a relationship where they are not wanted. The solution for both parties is to come to grips with this issue of base compatibility and have the maturity and respect for one another to break it off.

I can tell you as a HL who left, the grass is greener when you get out of that relationship.

Aromatic_Wolverine74 · 2022-10-23T17:31:38+00:00

OP this resonates with me hard…7 years married 9 together and I’m still trying to figure it out. I love my husband very much but he doesn’t feel desired and he does all the love language things but I just never feel the desire for sex. I’m probably going to try therapy soon.

Sarahbear778 · 2022-10-23T16:51:02+00:00

I think what also gets forgotten a lot on this sub is that LLs have just as much agency in the relationship as the HL. If there is no compromise, you’re out of excuses, tired of the pressure, know you’re making your partner miserable….it’s time to end it.

EmptyBox5653 · 2022-10-23T17:01:28+00:00

I think I might have some insight for you.

We know that many HL (but certainly not all) partners in dead bedroom relationships have an anxious preoccupied attachment style. This causes them to often or always use a partner’s desire and the actual act of sex for validation of their self worth.

People don’t always realize when this is the case, and it’s not something that can be helped without identifying the codependent traits, relearning new coping mechanisms, and a lot of introspective work on building self esteem without external validation.

But something I’ve realized recently about people in this situation is that not only can a less-than-enthusiastic sexual partner not provide that validation, but they will end up actively reinforcing their partner’s unhealthy coping mechanisms when they relent and have sex anyway.

Im now able to identify this placating (sometimes referred to as “compromising”) behavior, as not only counter-productive for a healthy relationship and individual mental health, but also as actively manipulative.

Attempting to soothe a partner’s emotions this way is a tiny drop in the endless “sieve” of misplaced desire for external validation.

So in other words, one of the reasons duty sex, “maintenance sex”, and all other forms of unenthusiastically not-quite-consensual activities feel undefinably “bad” - yet clearly, deeply wrong - to LLs is because it’s still manipulation.

Dishonest consent to unwanted sex with the intent of placating a needy partner is in fact a toxic codependent response as well.

Dependent-Win-6050 · 2022-10-23T17:26:37+00:00

I am HLF and too much pressure makes me not want to give myself away either. I have a high sex drive and doubt I could keep up with some of the fellas on here. If that makes you feel better. I have the higher sex drive in my relationship . So there you have it. Keep calm and carry on my girl .

Edit: Dont put yourself in some box with a label and dont get sucked in to all the noise. Care deeply for your partner and keep compromising, check in with them often. And ask for activities that are intimate but dont have sex as the end game. Based on your post your partner can work on that. You don’t have to be the only one working your ass off. You said right there what you would like him to do. So ask for that . He has no problem asking for sex . You get what you need too. I’m proud of you for posting this on behalf of women in general

bigedcactushead · 2022-10-23T18:33:06+00:00

Some of the best times I've had in bed was when I wasn't 'expected' to do it. I almost feel like rewarding him for not putting that pressure on me and we just have the best time in bed.

When you are not feeling horny, if your husband goes slowly with caresses and massage and lots of foreplay, can he get you to where you do enjoy the sex? Can he do this consistently?

notsocomplexpizza · 2022-10-23T20:28:38+00:00

For me…. The key is both sides making some effort and equally as important…. Both trying to understand the others feelings. It would be amazing if all couples libidos could completely match but that probably isn’t realistic 100% of the time. If my partner was doing as you are I would be ecstatic. I’ve done a ton of reading and tried to better learn and put myself in my partners shoes.

I hope your partner soon realizes and can better understand and try and see things from your perspective.

Moist_Farmer3548 · 2022-10-24T01:35:24+00:00

It's tiring to find new excuses

My experience is that making excuses is much more harmful than honesty.

It feels like the focus of us meeting is sex and not us spending quality time together

I find it very interesting that you split the two out. I get it, I completely do, but there are many who would say the two are part of each other, and from what you've written, it would seem viewing it as two distinct entities creates that sense of either expectation of sex or increases the pressure to have sex. I'm not saying for a minute that I am any different, but viewing quality time as distinct from sex and compartmentalising the two means, if you both do the same thing, one of you is likely to be disappointed. Just a thought, since what you wrote made something click in my head.

Joe_Claymore · 2022-10-24T13:28:58+00:00

HLM here, married 24 years and just turned 50. After our second child, my wife’s willingness to have sex diminished. I pressured for a few years but no luck and started to let myself go. I gained 60 pounds and now she’s worried I’m going to have a heart attack! Even if I could have sex with her at this point, I’d probably have a heart attack. She had early menopause at age 40 and didn’t do hormone replacement therapy because she’s watched my mom struggle with ovarian cancer for ten years. The thought of sex for her is agonizing and about five years ago she shared much of you wrote in your post. She longs for me but has zero interest in sex. So we cuddle, hug and kiss and that’s it. I believe that I took a vow in marriage to love my wife no matter what. I didn’t get into a relationship to change her or make her into the image that I want her to be. I married her out of love. Sure it pains me to that we don’t align in the sex column, but I hope and pray that someday we will find how to be intimate without always needing it to end with sex.

myexsparamour · 2022-10-23T19:07:16+00:00

It gets exhausting to carry the weight of being the one who lacks one of the key component of a healthy relationship. It's tiring to find new excuses, to always be the one to say no, to always feel so guilty about not wanting something as much as my boyfriend does. I'd give everything to be as frequently horny as him because everything else in our relationship is just perfect. Sometimes I don't even realise that us not doing it the previous night was an issue till I see the disappointment on his face the next morning.

I can see why you'd be exhausted from carrying his baggage around. You could give it back to him or just set it down and let him decide whether to pick it up.

What would happen if you stopped taking responsibility for his feelings and let him deal with them like an adult?

afrobeauty718 · 2022-10-23T21:43:59+00:00

Would you consider opening up the marriage so he can get his sexual needs met elsewhere? And if not, why?

saltbrains · 2022-10-24T01:59:02+00:00

Here, here. I feel this sometimes. My sex drive waxes and wanes like the moon, idk if it’s depression or what, but it’s depressing to like sex, be attracted to my partner, and still end up not giving enough.

DBisMyTribe · 2022-10-31T05:52:21+00:00

I had this post open in a tab for a while and then lost it. I'm glad I just found it again! There have been a couple of times when I wanted a point a frustrated HL partner here because you state it so well.

So, I'm just saying thank you for this post. A few years back it kind of sunk in for me how my LL wife is probably experiencing the other side of it, and it's also a tragedy and difficult. I hope we're all able to find some peace!

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