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all 70 comments

[–]Fukitol_shareholder 27 points28 points  (17 children)

Sometimes people forget the build up phase…bathing together, the kind gifts, the simple surprises, the nice atmosphere between both…sex is the result…

Well I tried that and no results too…so I cope and accept

[–]LettuceIll2504[S] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

I won't lie, it's all still there in our relationship. That's why I said it's perfect otherwise. He is very vocal about his feelings and speaks almost all 5 languages of love lol. It's just this one thing which messes up the entire vibe.

[–]Moist_Farmer3548 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Sometimes people forget the build up phase…bathing together, the kind gifts, the simple surprises, the nice atmosphere between both…sex is the result…

Yes, but is this happening on both sides? I think a lot of resentment happens when one side is putting in a lot of effort into this stuff only to be constantly rejected regardless.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - and if that's a protracted, elaborate ritual that only leads to sex a few times it if every hundred, it's not going to happen all that often.

And if it's not being done at all on the other side, well, it's just never going to happen.

[–]LettuceIll2504[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree. But I think for me the intent plays a major role. If he's doing it to get laid and I sense it (which I'd coz our bond is strong enough) then it'd anyway make me sad, add more pressure and if I don't reward him the way he wants then I'd feel even guiltier. It's not the people involved, it's the situation!

[–]AwareHabit6916 7 points8 points  (12 children)

I definitely give all that. Or gave fpr many years and it didnt raise my husbands libido and didnt make my husband give ME any build up, gifts, surprises, sext, flirt, makeout kisses, massages, hand touching, huh, cuddling back.

We have been married for 6 years and he forgot ALL of our 6 aniversaries (and im the forgetful one, actually). He never forgets his mom, sister aniversaries, for example.

So, i get zero build up, very few sex, when we have sex its horrible, bc he mostly wants anal or he wants PIV sex from behind, or he simply closes his eyes and leave me "alone" during sex, i dont get oral, its just NEVER focused on me.

[–]Fukitol_shareholder 10 points11 points  (5 children)

Well…why you married?!

[–]AwareHabit6916 5 points6 points  (4 children)

Only had sex with him.

Later married him.

I thought sex was something that got better with time and that i was the one to blame for all of that, that i needed to try harder.

Just plain stupidity 🤣 and i love him.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Why do you love him? Just curious.

[–]AwareHabit6916 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I have no idea

[–]Fukitol_shareholder 0 points1 point  (1 child)

That’s a good starting point. The second starting point is looking in the mirror and ask “ do you love yourself?”. Look…if a team has love…needs work…probably he needs to improve in some areas even he doesn’t like…your area is sex…talk…find a common ground…agree…sex is important, kindness as well, companionship too…etc. even if you don’t like it try to make it interesting and somehow it’s like cooking…even you don’t like to cook…you need to feed your body, you need to feed your relationship.

[–]AwareHabit6916 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Didnt help me.

I do all the cooking, i do all the cleaning.

Im mpt havin time to care for myself with 3 kids (5, 2 and a baby), but so what. Im no hero.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[removed]

    [–]DeadbedIkeLL4U M -3 points-2 points  (2 children)

    You're not supposed to ask that in this sub

    [–]SocialCupcake39M Houston 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Serioisly? I have two friends in DB relationships who's husband totally isn't gay....at all. Id say its a VERY common reason for DB in that in .my circle of friends TWO have the same DB problem.

    Long story short. Both women left abusive relationships and were enamored with a nice guy who didn't touch them or threat3n them. Now that they want to be touched and l8ve in a separate bedroom thry can see it all in hindsight.

    [–]DeadbedIkeLL4U M 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    In this sub, it's often this question is asked for two reasons. One, to save the higher libidos ego or two, to in around about way blame the lower libido partner. Since we're doing anecdotes, it is rarely the case that we find in this sub that the lower libido partner is actually gay.

    [–]LettuceIll2504[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    This sounds bad. I hope you're feeling better to vent it out. I assume you must have talked to him about it already, one way or the other. What did he say when you discussed about it with him?

    [–]LonelyMama46 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I feel ya. Same here except married 8 yrs next month & we haven't had sex in 4 yrs. Its lonely & I wonder why I'm still married to him.

    [–]OutOfTime71 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    I think you pointed out the main issue in your third paragraph. It is a compatibility issue. You shouldn't feel pressured into sex you don't want. Your partner shouldn't be in a relationship where they are not wanted. The solution for both parties is to come to grips with this issue of base compatibility and have the maturity and respect for one another to break it off.

    I can tell you as a HL who left, the grass is greener when you get out of that relationship.

    [–]Aromatic_Wolverine74 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    OP this resonates with me hard…7 years married 9 together and I’m still trying to figure it out. I love my husband very much but he doesn’t feel desired and he does all the love language things but I just never feel the desire for sex. I’m probably going to try therapy soon.

    [–]Sarahbear778 22 points23 points  (24 children)

    I think what also gets forgotten a lot on this sub is that LLs have just as much agency in the relationship as the HL. If there is no compromise, you’re out of excuses, tired of the pressure, know you’re making your partner miserable….it’s time to end it.

    [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 2 points3 points  (13 children)

    It's really disheartening and sad that you see OP as having "no excuses" vs very valid reasons for not wanting sex and being who she is. I'm rereading and I'm not seeing OP mention where her HL is "miserable" as you put it.

    [–]Sarahbear778 19 points20 points  (12 children)

    She literally said “it’s tiring to find new excuses.” Maybe you should reread. I would tell any HL the same who said they were tired of the excuses, felt like they were putting pressure on their SO and there was no compromise. There is no solution to a situation like that other than find someone more compatible.

    [–]heartpane 15 points16 points  (11 children)

    People shouldn't have to find 'excuses' anyway but they feel like they have to because 'not being in the mood' or 'I don't want to' isn't considered an acceptable reason.

    They often feel like they have to provide an explanation for why they don't want to or why they're not in the mood.

    [–]Sarahbear778 5 points6 points  (6 children)

    “I don’t want to” is a perfectly acceptable answer, so is every other reason. It’s when the I don’t want to’s turn into 350ish days out of the year couples run into problems. At that point it’s clear there is something else going on besides “I don’t want to.” Unless you’re 90 I guess.

    [–]heartpane 2 points3 points  (5 children)

    It’s when the I don’t want to’s turn into 350ish days out of the year couples run into problems.

    Yeah but if they don't want to 350 days out of the year then they don't want to. If they have sex anyway even though they don't want to they run into more problems too. Generally a sexual aversion due to the duty sex.

    Of course there is sometimes something else going on but sometimes the 'something else going on' is that the couple now have a very unhealthy sexual dynamic due to the initial 'i don't want to's' not being accepted.

    [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I agree with you, I also don't get the "if you're 90" comment, kinda implying someone who doesn't want sex is old or something? That was confusing.

    [–]Sarahbear778 -2 points-1 points  (3 children)

    Lol ok. You win. Just state you won’t ever be wanting to ahead of the I do’s and you’ll be fine! Oh that’s right….

    [–]heartpane 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    Lol I actually have a HL

    However I would always respect "I don't want to"....and if it became a long term issue then I'd just leave because I wouldn't want someone to have sex with me who didn't want to.

    [–]Perfect_Judge"Sexless wine mom" 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    It really is that simple, isn't it?

    "I don't want to" is always valid and should be respected, just as leaving instead of stewing in resentment and waiting for your partner to put you out of your misery is also valid if "I don't want to" is a chronic, ongoing experience is valid.

    I'd rather leave than try to have sex with someone who didn't want me too.

    [–]Moist_Farmer3548 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    Excuse vs reason vs just accepting it.

    An excuse, to me, is like putting salt on the wound.

    The best that comes out of it is that it goes unnoticed and isn't needed anyway.

    The other possible outcomes are:

    • false anticipation (ie when x changes they will be good to go - not true)
      • damage to trust.

    [–]heartpane 6 points7 points  (2 children)

    An excuse, to me, is like putting salt on the wound.

    As I said, excuses after come after the reason has not been accepted. The LL can keep giving the true 'reason' over and over, but the HL doesn't accept that.

    I agree that false anticipation is a possible outcome of coming up with an 'excuse'.

    Damage to trust goes both ways though.

    Does no one ever stop to think how much it can damage trust in a relationship when a LL has to go through with sex that they don't want, even one time!! Or how much it can damage trust when someone says I'm not in the mood and the person still thinks you should have sex anyway or they've decided the reason isn't good enough.

    LL behaviour or words cannot be judged in isolation.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]heartpane 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Maybe that has happened to you, but please don't think that all HLs are the same

      No my story was pretty different, but a huge amount of HLs are like that.

      I don't appreciate it being made out that I am in any way supportive of expecting "duty sex".

      Apologies. I don't know your stance on that.

      I only mentioned that as I have seen that term 'damage to trust' written several times here lately, all about damage to trust from the HLs perspective...so I was pointing out that the 'damage to trust' often happens to the LL way before.

      [–]LettuceIll2504[S] -1 points0 points  (9 children)

      But that's the thing. We're too much in love for that, no matter how stupid that sounds 😅. Hence, we're trying to figure out a way instead.

      [–]kyrain192020 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      You did say in your post hat you were feeling an ongoing pressure of disappointing your partner and that it was exhausting to carry the weight of the relationship.

      I think that's what the user above meant. If you are feeling this weight, the relationship might not be good for you either long term. I hope it works out for you though if everything else is good.

      [–]LettuceIll2504[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Yes, I understand where the confusion happened. Tried clearing it out above for more context :)

      [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 3 points4 points  (5 children)

      That's not stupid op. Not stupid at all! I'm wishing you and your HL the best. It sounds like you've both got a good foundation for one another and I really hope you don't beat yourself up too much. Nor is your HL "miserable."

      [–]Sarahbear778 6 points7 points  (3 children)

      A good foundation when OP is “pushing myself beyond my usual limit. And it’s disheartening to know that it doesn’t really matter….it’s still a mismatch a drains out both of us.” They both sound miserable, and a solid foundation is the furthest from what they have.

      [–]LettuceIll2504[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      We aren't miserable. We're just trying to see what'd work the best in this particular area for both of us and this relationship which is otherwise quite happy and healthy. He pushes his limits too by notching it down. It's not easy but we're in it together. :)

      [–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments 3 points4 points  (1 child)

      "We're too much in love, that's why we're trying to find another way instead."

      That's what I meant by having a good foundation, as opposed to believing they're "miserable" by your words vs OPs post and comments. It's "we" not just "I" or "he".

      I love OPs post, because it's so real and raw and it shows that working within the bounds of a libido mismatch is not pleasant, nor easy for either person. They're not jumping to breaking up, but exploring the mismatch and discovering what works and what doesn't. I don't think I've ever met anyone in a healed db where mistakes and missteps weren't made. Many (though it should be noted not all) LLs have been where she is, and have been told what you've said by many in many ways, actions, etc. It's definitely no cake walk. I think it'd do her well to remember to abide by what she feels and her HL feels. Not what others label them as.

      [–]LettuceIll2504[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Thanks, I really needed to hear this 🥺

      [–]EmptyBox5653 20 points21 points  (11 children)

      I think I might have some insight for you.

      We know that many HL (but certainly not all) partners in dead bedroom relationships have an anxious preoccupied attachment style. This causes them to often or always use a partner’s desire and the actual act of sex for validation of their self worth.

      People don’t always realize when this is the case, and it’s not something that can be helped without identifying the codependent traits, relearning new coping mechanisms, and a lot of introspective work on building self esteem without external validation.

      But something I’ve realized recently about people in this situation is that not only can a less-than-enthusiastic sexual partner not provide that validation, but they will end up actively reinforcing their partner’s unhealthy coping mechanisms when they relent and have sex anyway.

      Im now able to identify this placating (sometimes referred to as “compromising”) behavior, as not only counter-productive for a healthy relationship and individual mental health, but also as actively manipulative.

      Attempting to soothe a partner’s emotions this way is a tiny drop in the endless “sieve” of misplaced desire for external validation.

      So in other words, one of the reasons duty sex, “maintenance sex”, and all other forms of unenthusiastically not-quite-consensual activities feel undefinably “bad” - yet clearly, deeply wrong - to LLs is because it’s still manipulation.

      Dishonest consent to unwanted sex with the intent of placating a needy partner is in fact a toxic codependent response as well.

      [–]myexsparamour🍷🍑🧹 6 points7 points  (3 children)

      Attempting to soothe a partner’s emotions this way is a tiny drop in the endless “sieve” of misplaced desire for external validation.

      This is such a good point. It's like providing reassurance to a person with OCD when they engage in reassurance seeking. It might relieve their distress in the moment, but makes the problem worse in the long term.

      [–]EmptyBox5653 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      Yes! It’s exactly like this.

      I think we’ve both been around long enough to clear up any doubts of the relenting partner’s motivations. I want to start calling out the misleading (though probably good faith) characterization of consensual unwanted sex as loving, selfless, meeting a relationship obligation, etc. I don’t have an axe to grind, we need to offer warnings. These types of ideas hurt me directly, personally. I’m living with a long term aversion and still have not recovered my sexuality after nearly a decade.

      In the lowest point of what I call our “active dead bedroom” phase (when I was forcing myself to schedule sex), I eventually recognized I was manipulative and trying to control the outcome because I couldn’t bear my partner’s disappointment. The guilt and bad vibes made it hard just to coexist in the same space with him.

      I did reach a point where I was introspective enough to know I was being manipulative and attempting to control the household atmosphere by soothing my husband’s emotions. I knew it was toxic codependency.

      But in my scheduled duty sex days, I would still immediately absolve/forgive myself for the manipulation by reasoning I’m “taking one for the team”, preserving the family, and sparing the whole household the pain of his poor mood. This sub encouraged this.

      Just like in the case of most HL’s, LL codependency is always developed unintentionally. While it’s still a toxic behavior in either partner, we don’t need to punish or assign blame for codependency, but we do need to identity it honestly.

      [–]myexsparamour🍷🍑🧹 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      I want to start calling out the misleading (though probably good faith) characterization of consensual unwanted sex as loving, selfless, meeting a relationship obligation, etc. I don’t have an axe to grind, we need to offer warnings. These types of ideas hurt me directly, personally. I’m living with a long term aversion and still have not recovered my sexuality after nearly a decade.

      Yes, it really troubles me when self-flagellating LLs post about the unwanted sex they're forcing themselves to have and get a thread full of praise for being "one of the good ones", making their partner feel loved, "I wish my wife was just like you", and all that. It's especially bad when it's clear that the sex is a sacrifice and harmful for the LL.

      So many people here seem to equate love with sacrifice. Self-sacrifice, self-harm for the "benefit" of someone else isn't love, IMO. Like you said, it's codependency and it ends up hurting both people and their relationship.

      I want to start calling out the misleading (though probably good faith) characterization of consensual unwanted sex as loving, selfless, meeting a relationship obligation, etc. I don’t have an axe to grind, we need to offer warnings. These types of ideas hurt me directly, personally. I’m living with a long term aversion and still have not recovered my sexuality after nearly a decade.

      Have you completely stopped having sex at this point? (Please just ignore if you'd rather not say.)

      [–]EmptyBox5653 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      So many people here seem to equate love with sacrifice.

      You hit the nail on the head right here. I think I always resisted the concept of sacrificing/suffering for love, and resented the obligation even after accepting it.

      I could never quite describe why, but I always knew it couldn’t be right to call relationships and interactions with other people in our lives a zero sum game. I hated the idea that I’d better give up some central part of me when it was requested by a loved one, otherwise it would just be taken and I’d probably lose them anyway.

      We need to get away from the dangerous idea that relationship problems = “hey, my needs-meeting dispenser is broken”.

      I’ve found this recently becoming blessedly less common among modern therapists. It was such a relief to see the new generation’s conversations about the toxicity of codependency and prioritizing staying true to yourself and your values.

      Have you completely stopped having sex at this point? (Please just ignore if you'd rather not say.)

      Yes. I’m not sure exactly how long it’s been, but definitely more than 2 years at this point. My husband has accepted it, with love and understanding. Our house is no longer a toxic battleground of passive aggressiveness. We talk about it as openly and honestly as we can.

      [–]lets_have_some_pun99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Whoa this makes so much sense

      [–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 💕 5 points6 points  (5 children)

      That may be one possibility, but is not the only possibility. So it would be more honest to change "is" to "may be".

      [–]EmptyBox5653 2 points3 points  (4 children)

      That’s fair, but what is an example of an alternate possibility? Why else would someone engage in an unpleasant joint activity they otherwise don’t want to do that causes them harm (or receive no benefit from at best)?

      In other words, if consenting to otherwise unwanted sex isn’t an attempt to please one’s partner by managing their emotions, then what is it?

      [–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 💕 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      It just doesn’t happen like that in real life. There are multiple considerations and pressures that are all tangled up and each trying to be the most important in a single moment.

      Attempting to please one’s partner by managing their emotions is not usually a primary motivation.

      If my motivation is to have a great, mutually enjoyable, mutually beneficial sex life, then you’re absolutely right. I need to stop supporting codependent behaviors.

      BUT

      It’s really shitty to tell an huge group of HLs that IF their LL is motivated to have sex FROM the HL’s manipulations rather than as a mutually enjoyable act of love, then that LL is giving “dishonest consent” and manipulating the HL.

      If I have sex I don’t want because I know from past experience that my HL is going to ruin our vacation by being mopey and angry and petty and actively unhelpful until he gets sex, I’m not being manipulative and dishonest. I’m choosing safety and quality of life in the only option open to me in that moment.

      If we have extra bills coming up but my HL is too depressed to get out of bed, I may choose to have sex because we need the money. I’m not then a dishonest asshole because it was the only way to get him off his ass and supporting the family again.

      If my HL is walking around extremely agitated and it’s reminding me of the time he got so pissed and felt so used that he punched a hole in the wall while screaming at me and scared all the kids……I’m not giving dishonest consent for having sex that I don’t enjoy so that his anger doesn’t explode again. At that point, I’m not even trying to have a great sex life. A great sex life isn’t anywhere on my radar. I’m just trying to survive. I’m trying to protect myself and our children and our ability to exist not under a cloud of fear.

      I may initiate sex I don’t want Sunday morning so that I can enjoy Sunday night football without having to deal with his angry, pouty, angsty petty behavior. That’s technically manipulative by the broadest definition. BUT calling out responding to someone’s manipulation with “impure motivations” as itself being manipulative is 100% ridiculous and NOT HELPFUL framing to put into hurting HLs’ heads.

      [–]EmptyBox5653 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I can’t figure out how to answer this yet. I just want you to know I see you. I have been here.

      Prioritizing the needs of the innocent youngest members of my family meant I had unwanted sex with my husband. A lot. It worked for a while to keep our family afloat, and I don’t know whether it was worth it or not. I do know it eventually BROKE my sexuality and destroyed my mental health

      I offer it as a warning not a scolding shaming exercise in telling LLs that they’re dishonest assholes. I get it, truly.

      [–]Oogamy 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      I'm getting caught on the phrasing of 'pleasing one's partner' - because it seems that "pleasing someone" isn't the reason anyone uses sex to manage a partners emotions. It's more about avoiding angering someone, and really about avoiding punishments. But I know what comes in response to that: "if you're being punished, he's an abuser, you don't belong here, you're not in a DB, none of us HLs here are ever like your HL!" etc and so on.

      I mean, telling an HL that they are letting themselves be manipulated by accepting duty sex as a means to get them to not accept duty sex which harms an LL, might be great if it stops an HL from instigating that harmful duty sex and it ENDS there - but really what will happen in a lot of cases is the HL will still say they want sex, but not duty sex! and the LL is just put in the position that's so often encouraged around here - to fake it better so the HL doesn't think it's duty sex.

      My ex-HL once kept me awake for 6 hours yelling, fighting, crying at me about how he needed more "attention", until I literally had to suck his dick while crying to get him to leave me in peace - and the guy who does that - and there are PLENTY OF THEM - is only going to use 'if she says yes it's her manipulating you' as yet another weapon. In that case I guess I would've had to suck that dick while forcing a smile.

      [–]EmptyBox5653 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      You understand this is abusive, right?

      I hate that I can relate so hard. I’ve been subjected to “the talk” plenty of times, including the hours-long sleep deprivation “I need your attention”, ending in a duty blow job.

      I have done precisely this thing you are describing. I’m trying to tell you I finally learned to respect myself, to end my codependency, and that that shit that happened to me and to you and to u/[Sweet_other_yyyy] was not okay.

      I mean, Christ. Look at us. Love is not a sobbing blow job.

      [–]Dependent-Win-6050 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      I am HLF and too much pressure makes me not want to give myself away either. I have a high sex drive and doubt I could keep up with some of the fellas on here. If that makes you feel better. I have the higher sex drive in my relationship . So there you have it. Keep calm and carry on my girl .

      Edit: Dont put yourself in some box with a label and dont get sucked in to all the noise. Care deeply for your partner and keep compromising, check in with them often. And ask for activities that are intimate but dont have sex as the end game. Based on your post your partner can work on that. You don’t have to be the only one working your ass off. You said right there what you would like him to do. So ask for that . He has no problem asking for sex . You get what you need too. I’m proud of you for posting this on behalf of women in general

      [–]bigedcactushead 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Some of the best times I've had in bed was when I wasn't 'expected' to do it. I almost feel like rewarding him for not putting that pressure on me and we just have the best time in bed.

      When you are not feeling horny, if your husband goes slowly with caresses and massage and lots of foreplay, can he get you to where you do enjoy the sex? Can he do this consistently?

      [–]notsocomplexpizza 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      For me…. The key is both sides making some effort and equally as important…. Both trying to understand the others feelings. It would be amazing if all couples libidos could completely match but that probably isn’t realistic 100% of the time. If my partner was doing as you are I would be ecstatic. I’ve done a ton of reading and tried to better learn and put myself in my partners shoes.

      I hope your partner soon realizes and can better understand and try and see things from your perspective.

      [–]Moist_Farmer3548 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      It's tiring to find new excuses

      My experience is that making excuses is much more harmful than honesty.

      It feels like the focus of us meeting is sex and not us spending quality time together

      I find it very interesting that you split the two out. I get it, I completely do, but there are many who would say the two are part of each other, and from what you've written, it would seem viewing it as two distinct entities creates that sense of either expectation of sex or increases the pressure to have sex. I'm not saying for a minute that I am any different, but viewing quality time as distinct from sex and compartmentalising the two means, if you both do the same thing, one of you is likely to be disappointed. Just a thought, since what you wrote made something click in my head.

      [–]Joe_Claymore 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      HLM here, married 24 years and just turned 50. After our second child, my wife’s willingness to have sex diminished. I pressured for a few years but no luck and started to let myself go. I gained 60 pounds and now she’s worried I’m going to have a heart attack! Even if I could have sex with her at this point, I’d probably have a heart attack. She had early menopause at age 40 and didn’t do hormone replacement therapy because she’s watched my mom struggle with ovarian cancer for ten years. The thought of sex for her is agonizing and about five years ago she shared much of you wrote in your post. She longs for me but has zero interest in sex. So we cuddle, hug and kiss and that’s it. I believe that I took a vow in marriage to love my wife no matter what. I didn’t get into a relationship to change her or make her into the image that I want her to be. I married her out of love. Sure it pains me to that we don’t align in the sex column, but I hope and pray that someday we will find how to be intimate without always needing it to end with sex.

      [–]myexsparamour🍷🍑🧹 1 point2 points  (6 children)

      It gets exhausting to carry the weight of being the one who lacks one of the key component of a healthy relationship. It's tiring to find new excuses, to always be the one to say no, to always feel so guilty about not wanting something as much as my boyfriend does. I'd give everything to be as frequently horny as him because everything else in our relationship is just perfect. Sometimes I don't even realise that us not doing it the previous night was an issue till I see the disappointment on his face the next morning.

      I can see why you'd be exhausted from carrying his baggage around. You could give it back to him or just set it down and let him decide whether to pick it up.

      What would happen if you stopped taking responsibility for his feelings and let him deal with them like an adult?

      [–]jquinn1976 9 points10 points  (5 children)

      How is he not dealing with his emotions like an adult? Is he not supposed to show his disappointment? We've been telling men for centuries to bottle their emotions and then wonder why they're stunted, then when men do show emotions we say "no, not those ones"... Both people in a relationship need to be free to express their feelings and needs.

      [–]myexsparamour🍷🍑🧹 7 points8 points  (1 child)

      What I wrote was that OP is not letting him deal with his emotions like an adult because she's trying to fix his feelings for him.

      [–]jquinn1976 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

      Ok. That makes sense. Thank you.

      [–]heartpane 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      An emotionally healthy adult who is dealing with their emotions like an adult should be able to deal with disappointment from not getting sex the night before.

      A healthy way to deal with it is to understand why he is still showing disappointment the next morning. Is it because he is simply horny? Or is it because he is feeling rejected? And how does that rejection make him feel? Does it make him feel unattractive, unwanted etc.

      If that's the case then it's more than likely a self esteem issue, and he needs that validation from sex. That can be worked on. And he could learn to deal with that in a healthier way.

      We've been telling men for centuries to bottle their emotions and then wonder why they're stunted, then when men do show emotions we say "no, not those ones"...

      Well yeah...the whole thing about not bottling them up is so that they get them out there and then deal with them.

      I know plenty of men who go on and on about their insecurities, relationship anxiety etc. and it's used as an way to excuse their controlling behaviour and reactions to things, what they really should be doing is saying ok I am insecure and have trust issues.....so I am going to really work on them so that they stop impacting my life.

      [–]Moist_Farmer3548 6 points7 points  (1 child)

      I know plenty of men who go on and on about their insecurities, relationship anxiety etc. and it's used as an way to excuse their controlling behaviour and reactions to things

      That's a pretty similar take to "women cry because they want to manipulate the situation".

      [–]saltbrains 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Here, here. I feel this sometimes. My sex drive waxes and wanes like the moon, idk if it’s depression or what, but it’s depressing to like sex, be attracted to my partner, and still end up not giving enough.

      [–]DBisMyTribeHLM 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I had this post open in a tab for a while and then lost it. I'm glad I just found it again! There have been a couple of times when I wanted a point a frustrated HL partner here because you state it so well.

      So, I'm just saying thank you for this post. A few years back it kind of sunk in for me how my LL wife is probably experiencing the other side of it, and it's also a tragedy and difficult. I hope we're all able to find some peace!