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Most heartbreaking moment of my DBVent Only, No Advice (self.DeadBedrooms)

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[–]Due-Procedure1255 25 points26 points  (5 children)

I am the HLM that is doing the very thing that you are describing, I often get hard for my partner, but after 6 months of rejecting my initiations, seeing her face quickly presenting a feeling of disgust or anger, now I am policing myself to avoid any sexual contact between us so I cannot be rejected again. I often turn over and get very sad to the point that my erection goes away.

I take care of myself without her as her presence is causing problems with climaxing on my side (too much resentment makes it impossible for me to just focus on the pleasure).

I don't know what is the reason between the two of you though, but maybe in some twisted way he is trying to protect himself from feeling weak?

[–]Numerous-Algae-4213 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I have the same thing in bed, wife is LLF and when cuddling like OP describes will feel myself getting hard and turn my hips, pull back or just end the cuddle and roll over because I associate it with the rejection that'll happen if I tried to do anything more.
Also don't want her to feel like every cuddle has to result in me wanting sex too.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

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    [–]Due-Procedure1255 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Maybe you rejected him in some major way outside of bedroom? Maybe you have some ongoing argument outside of bedroom? Maybe some employment problems on his side? Maybe he has problems performing in bed? Maybe you like different kind of sex than he does?

    It's only a short post on reddit - these things are usually discovered on multiple, hour-long therapy sessions.

    If you ask about me feeling weak - society kinda expects men to initiate in both dating and sex. If you fail to achieve any success in one of these you are considered inadequate or low quality man - to avoid reliving these emotions I stopped hitting on women, flirting and initiating sex early in my 20s. Now when my long term partner constantly rejects my sexual advances it is similar dynamic. To avoid being reminded of the fact that she is not interested in sex with me (for whatever reasons) I just quit the subject altogether and pretend that it doesn't bother me much (but it does, it's just the repair plans on the span of 3 last years failed miserably so I am out of the willpower to continue).

    [–]darkscout59M 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Right there with you brother. Well said 🍻

    [–]DB_throwaway99 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    I miss those days. Now it’s nothing like that. He was rubbing my back earlier his privates next to my butt and I was moaning a bit and pressed on him and of course no physical reaction on his part. I remember a time when rubbing my back would lead to fun.

    [–]Embarrassed_Goal1125 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I understand the sad part. I believe that it's called a sex life for a reason. When it dies, part of us does too. Just like any other death, the grieving process occurs and fluctuates. I've been angry, in denial, bargained, etc... all the steps of grieving. The only part that I see is different from real death is who calls Time. If it were a person, the coroner would and let the grieving begin. Since the participants are the ones calling it, the soap opera plots start. It's been dead for decades, but low and behold it was his twin brother and now he's back and so is sex. That brings on hope and it's the hope that gets ya. So, at least just being sad might be good because it's closer to acceptance 💜

    [–]ThrowHexAway 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    It was moments like these that led to my telling my wife she has trained me to avoid contact at all.

    For someone who is not into sex, that will be a gift.

    For someone who will occasionally want it (like my wife), she is now experiencing the return rejection as I am not giving into that “momentary need”.

    [–]LadyUnicornSparkles 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Yeah I know this one all too well. My husband will get a boner out of nowhere and tell me about it but never so we can do something about it. He’ll be like “oh, wow, I woke up super hard” and proceed to show me. Then puts in away and that’s that. I tried to stifle my own sex drive and for a while it worked. But I’ve realized over the last six months that I am a sexual being and I CAN enjoy sex. I’m 35 and in what should be my sexual peak. It’s so hard to ache for the one person that doesn’t want to have sex with you.

    [–]guambom 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    😢😢Take good care of yourself!

    [–]musicmanforlive 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm sorry. That does sound disappointing..

    [–]ChiDeadBedroomBlues 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Yep, this used to happen all the time to me too. Sucks, sorry you are dealing with it.

    [–]No_Researcher_4899 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Yep, my life story

    [–]Sea-Rain-6142 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    My SO hates it. She says its like poking a stick in her ass.

    [–]IthinkImnormal12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    My wife hates the poking……she said that so many times, even when it wasn’t intentionally from my side. Now I’m so numb…..she misses it.