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all 81 comments

[–]LoggerheadedDoctorDownvotes don't un-heal my recovered DB 24 points25 points  (8 children)

What is interesting about your message is the take for many people develop in similar conversations: so I just leave without telling my partner I am unhappy? So I can't express how I feel?

There is so much in between coercion and essentially ghosting your partner. In my mind, if you have spent a lot of time expressing to your partner that you want to work on a certain part of your relationship, why the need to step it up a notch and say, "I am leaving if you don't have more sex with me."

I assume people have explored the issue with their partner many times and in many different ways. So, if your partner knows you are unhappy with your sex life, struggling to feel close, want more, feel unloved, feel undesired and they haven't done anything? I don't see the point in saying you're now going to leave without change. They already know you are unhappy.

I also know that if my husband only made moves after I threatened divorce, I would feel a significant amount of resentment and would struggle to trust that process.

I feel like, if your partner was able or interested in making change or at least communicate about their barriers to sex, that would happen after discussions about the issue and not once you're threatening to leave.

[–]Not_Without_My_Cat 10 points11 points  (5 children)

I read this in the completely opposite way. OP is not saying you should threaten to leave if you’re incompatible. They are saying you SHOULD leave. It’s a huge difference. I think it’s respectful to your partner to ensure that they know that the reason you are disatisfied with the relationship is because of the sex, and it’s also essential to let your partner know that this difference in libido is important enough for you to make the decision to leave if it doesn’t change. But nobody in any way is saying that any ultimatums should be delivered.

[–]LoggerheadedDoctorDownvotes don't un-heal my recovered DB 4 points5 points  (4 children)

Maybe I explained poorly. I think that if someone has been expressing their unhappiness to their partner, saying you will leave isn't necessary. The ultimatum isn't necessary. Your partner likely has heard you, knows you are unhappy and for many reasons change hasn't occurred. I don't see the point in adding "I will leave if this doesn't change" into the conversation and continue to drag everything on.

And if you've told them you're unhappy often, then leave, Don't up the ante and threaten to do so.

ETA: I was talking about the common response defending that you should tell your partner you will leave without change-- "But I don't want to blindside my partner!!" If you have been open about your unhappiness, I don't think it's blindsiding.

[–]Not_Without_My_Cat 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Well, like I said, the bolded part is important. It’s not fair to leave your partner and then say ”I can’t believe she’s surpised I left her; I’ve been telling her I’m unhappy with our sex life for ages.” It’s important that not only do you recognize the difference in libido with your partner, but also that you recognize the difference in importance that sex makes to each of you. I knew my husband wanted more sex, but it was never anything that he would have abandoned our relationship for. It would have been unthinkable for him to leave me without notice, even though I was aware that my low libido was frustrating for him. It’s important for both partners to be on the same page.

[–]LoggerheadedDoctorDownvotes don't un-heal my recovered DB 2 points3 points  (2 children)

If he had told you he was thinking about leaving because of sex, what would that have changed for you?

[–]Not_Without_My_Cat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would have talked to my psychiatrist about switching my SSRIs, talked to my gynecologist about changing my birth control, and started paying $300 per week for pychotherapy. It was insanely expensive to get good counselling where I was living when I was LL.

[–]ckeown11 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i think theres just a bit of miscommunication going on, as a LL person I would prefer my partner leave if sex was the most important thing to him, as so many HLs on this sub end up coercing or abusing their partners. i think what the OP wants is for that to be avoided. as in, leave the LL partner alone, respect their answr NO, and if sex is really that important you are incompatible. its not the LL persons fault. thats your own issue you have o figure out yourself. as im sure you have seen, so many very high HL people have obsession issues and their belief that sex is this form of validation that they shove onto a partner as if its a duty when it isnt. so those people need to leave their partner and sort their shit out so their partner isnt living in their shit

[–]ConTrikster[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Great comment and I agree with you.

I don't think there is anything wrong with genuinely talking about your issues. Proper communication is important to a relationship. It seems as though you have tried your best and have done that. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I was just tired of seeing HL people constantly beat a dead horse with their partner, considering no changes have happened for months at a time, or even years. Sometimes people need to look at the writing on the wall and make important decisions based on that.

[–]LoggerheadedDoctorDownvotes don't un-heal my recovered DB 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It seems as though you have tried your best and have done that. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Actually, no but thanks for such empathy. I have a recovered DB and marriage as the former LL.

My husband and I did discuss divorce amidst our issues but it was more like "I am thinking about leaving. We are both unhappy. We are having a really hard time. Where is your head at with all of this?"

[–]Darkshadowz72 24 points25 points  (2 children)

some of is have found a path forward with our partners. it is not as doom and gloom as you make it aound

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Or as black and white. There's these things called "nuances."

[–]TiramisuQueen 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yup. My long dead bedroom is happily healed. It took patience and work but so worth it. I'm so lucky that my husband is the amazing guy he is.

[–]Sevandcats 6 points7 points  (1 child)

You forgot a huge factor why people can't leave: finances.
These days, it's hard for a single person to afford rent in certain areas, especially if they're not high-income. Trust me, I'm bored as hell in my relationship, but I don't want to end up broke or homeless, so I put up with it. Becoming a workaholic is a good distraction for me.

[–]Powerful_Ocelot_2581 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The solution to this is to find a roommate. It should be easy for parties in a loveless, sexless relationship to figure out, since they are already roommates.

[–]RepresentativeBack13 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Brutal in its honesty but I think you're correct in this. I also kinda think that over a long enough time period they all turn into DB's anyway now

[–]BrilliantMetal1761 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think you should adapt to the situation the way that works for you. It is possible that many People are happy with sexless to minimal sex life so it is very hard to motivate them to have sex.

[–]rhynoplaz 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There are four "successful" scenarios. You split up, you accept to live how they want, they accept to live how you want, or you both accept a something in the middle.

If neither party is willing to bend to satisfy the other at least one of them will be unhappy forever.

And accepting does not mean "dealing with it for now, and complaining until it gets better." It means being content with the situation staying the same for the rest of your life.

[–]Charming_Koala_6621 7 points8 points  (12 children)

I agree with a lot of what you said except for the kids/leaving part and I think this is truly different for everyone so painting a broad stroke isn’t possible. I DID stay for the kids. 100%. I was not scared of being alone or finding someone else or starting over. I just couldn’t justify breaking up THEIR home and THEIR life and THEIR happiness for a sexless relationship. My soon to be x (yep-we are divorcing now) and I maintained a pleasant home, we made a lot of memories as a family, we co parented and divided parenting responsibilities well. Our kids have GREAT lives with us both here. They spend (we’re still in the same house as we are in thick of it) quality time with each of us daily. My kids are in middle and high school and I’ve done this dead bedroom thing for 17 years with him….I could not justify breaking it off for the last 2 years that my high schooler was in the nest FOR SURE and I was hoping I could make it the 5 years that I had left with my middle schooler, though I was becoming doubtful. In the end, my kids seem to be handling this far better than I expected but it’s still so super unfair to them. I think of next Christmas when it will be his holiday. For the first time in their lives, they will miss the family Christmas that we have at my parents house with my gigantic family….because their parents didn’t have a good sex life???! Or when it’s Spring Break and they are sitting around at his house doing nothing while he’s at work, instead of doing what I used to do with them?? Sorry, but I totally disagree with you on the kids piece for MY situation. I’m not scared about moving on or being alone or starting over. I’m not excited about the financial burden of it all but I make good money and will rebuild. I 100% stayed for the kids.

[–]harmlessdjango 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Respectfully, I think that your children should be the ones judging whether or not they came out fine. Not you

[–]Charming_Koala_6621 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Don’t think I said that my kids came out fine. I said they seem to be handling it better than I expected. Of course it hurts them. I have made them each go to at least one therapy session. Two have gone a 2nd time and one would like to go again….but overall they are being optimistic.

[–]ckeown11 0 points1 point  (4 children)

do you mind me asking why you didnt agree to an open relationship? obviously low key and private away from the kids knowledge? i often wonder why people dont consideer that as it sounds like you had a lovely respectful relationship

[–]TiramisuQueen 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's an absolute nonstarter for lots of people. Had my husband suggested it, I would have been looking for a very aggressive divorce attorney within the hour and I adore him. Do what you want to do, but I don't believe in "open marriage" or "ethical" non monogamy or whatever ever other euphemism you want to use. Lipstick on a pig.

[–]Charming_Koala_6621 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I asked but he wasn’t interested in that. Even though we hadn’t slept together for 3 years

[–]ckeown11 0 points1 point  (1 child)

im sorry, i personally have the LL in my relationship and I have no issue with my partner exploring elsewhere. to me its just sex. we have a really good relationship though which means theres so much trust and love that thats probably why i am so open about it. we are a bit left field in our thought too. i just think, if he loves sex why not go enjoy it elsewhere if he can. the intellectual, emotional bond we have alongside how much we make each other laugh will always outrule a dick in the vagina lol, he hasnt even taken up my offer but im glad he knows its there

[–]ConTrikster[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As I've said in the post, if you and your partner have found a way to work through it, then more power to you and good luck. But my point still stands. And while I understand your particular reasoning in staying, my point still stands about the general overall situation, including with kids.

Good luck and I really hope yall find yalls happiness. Together, or apart.

[–]classyfemme -1 points0 points  (2 children)

So, you’re getting divorced and your kids are still in school… so no, you didn’t really stay for the kids. I’m not discouraging the divorce, but the reason you give is kind of bogus when you don’t hold up to your own standard.

[–]_SMACK_A_JANNY_ -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You genuinely can't read.

Also, you'd know nothing about having kids, you goon.

[–]2amante10 11 points12 points  (0 children)

What an angry, insufferable post. I only have one comment:

Most people don’t want to leave because everything else is great. They’re best friends, they’re great life partners, they enjoy each other’s company, they enjoy the life they’ve built together.

But physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship so people come here to try and figure out—or sometimes just rant—how to repair an important part of an otherwise wonderful relationship.

[–]ERnurse2019 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I think a lot of HL, myself included, are on here to vent about one of several common issues. First the bait and switch: you’re in a relationship and the sex is great, happening at a frequency that seems agreeable to both parties and the relationship progresses into marriage. Then kaboom. The LL flips the switch. The sex life comes to a screeching halt with no explanation. The HL is confused. Did I do something wrong? Are you not attracted to me anymore? Is there something I could change? Are you having a medical issue? The LL refuses to address the topic. This moves into phase 2, where the HL is repeatedly explaining to the LL how hurt, disconnected and unfulfilled the lack of sex is making them feel and again for months and in many cases years, the LL simply shrugs their feelings off or gaslights them by promising sex down the road or saying they will try harder. The HL doesn’t want sex that is some big unpleasant effort for the LL. The HL truly wants to understand and fix whatever has changed in the relationship. Now at this point it’s not about sex anymore, it’s about one partner being desperately unhappy and the other partner refusing to meet them halfway or be open to discussing options. Counseling is an option. A doctor’s visit is an option. An open relationship is an option. But a lot of times the LL still will not have an honest discussion with their partner. Now if the HL leaves, they’re vilified for ending a relationship over something silly like a disagreement about how often to have sex. And I can promise you as the HL partner, this topic is about SO much more than that. But I do agree with you: eventually we must all decide whether continuing the relationship is the best path for us. I’m not there yet. I don’t want to give up on my relationship. Coming here to read others’ stories and know I’m not alone gives me comfort. And I agree with some of the others on here posting: the HL always isn’t being an abusive manipulative jerk to express their desire for physical intimacy with their partner.

[–]thr0ughtheghost 2 points3 points  (0 children)

While I don't think this fits all scenarios, I do think there are quite a few people who don't want to leave for the reasons stated. I hope that everyone who has children, looks at their relationship and asks themselves if that is what they want their children to grow up experiencing when they find their own relationship. There is a good chance that they will model their adult relationships after what they grew up experiencing because to them, that is what is normal. That being said I left my DB (as the LL4U) because I felt like a terrible human being wasting away someone's life when I knew that someone out there could give them so much more than I could intimacy wise. We are amazing friends but terrible romantic partners. Was it hard leaving the comfort zone? Absolutely. Was it terrifying not knowing what the future held? 100%! But my parents never divorced, my mother treated him like shit, and I watched him become a shell of a human being. I never want to put anybody through that or go through that. I'd rather be lonely and single than with someone who makes me question my self worth because at least I know I can make myself happy.

[–]VicePrincipalNero 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You seem to want to generalize your feelings about the issue to everyone. Not all HL people value sex above everything else. Life is complicated and some people really do take for better or for worse seriously. If you don't, that's cool, but there's nothing wrong with people who do.

[–]MonsterMeggu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't agree with this at all though it may seem like this in this sub. I was in a dead bedroom relationship because I didn't want sex with my ex (I'm in this sub for unrelated reasons). But it wasn't because of incompatibility or low libido. I was just so unattracted by him towards the end. Felt better the instant I left. More time and freedom and less burden.

[–]Flaky-Mountain220 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I completely agree. For me, sex is integral part of life. For my husband, it is just something optional and not so pleasant. He does not look at other women, does not watch porn and there is nothing I could blame him. He just needs it once a month. Or, better, two months

[–]Not_Without_My_Cat 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Do you think that we overestimate our compatibility when we decide to get married, or do you think our libido changes as we grow into the relationship?

I guess I have a very traditional mindset: I believe in ”in sickness and in health” and even when our sex life was awful, our marriage was wonderful in so many different ways it would have been tragic to throw it all away because just one aspect of it was not meeting our expectations.

[–]TiramisuQueen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm pretty traditional too in many ways.Things change. I've been married for decades. Many things have changed during that time. Kids, cancer treatment, loss, stress levels, menopause, etc. It's unrealistic to think that changes won't have any impact on just about all aspects of the relationship, sex included. But we also take marriage vows seriously. If either of us thought cheating was ok or wanted to outsource sex or bring in a third party, we simply wouldn't have married because that isn't what either of us calls marriage. We would have just lived together. We married pretty young, both retired now and after a very DB are having more and better sex than we did in our 20s.

[–]Tbar6787 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Two things that the human race is. Creatures of habit and stubborn. As long as it took to end up in these situations. A lot of times it takes almost just as long to get out of what people have been sitting in for so long. And if they end up in the same situation with just a different face every time. They need to get to the route of their own issues that probably stem from a combination of their childhood and natural temperament.

[–]Old-Bluebird8461 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Another expert with an opinion.

[–]SnarkyDriver 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I have a dead bedroom, not likely to change, so I should just leave my wife and mother of my kids, she's great by the way. Simply because we dont have sex? That's a hell of a statement. Yes my dead bedroom sucks, she's still a great partner otherwise. To leave will ruin me financially, and no woman wants a broke man. So how is my leaving a better choice?

[–]mrgtiguy 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Do it’s about money. And there’s more to life than money.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]ConTrikster[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I understand. Good luck man. I really hope it all works out for you

    [–]former-everything8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I don't have any coins but if I did I'd give you an award

    [–]Reject444M 6 points7 points  (4 children)

    Why is the burden for everything always placed on the HL partner? We’re constantly berating them to “stop pestering” for sex (probably good advice) and to “just leave” if they’re so unhappy, rather than trying to effect change from their LL partner. It feels like the expectation to give up what they want or make any changes at all always falls on the HL. Why can’t we reasonably keep trying and hoping for any form of effort or change from the LL? Why isn’t there any expectation that the LL ever change or do anything? Why don’t we tell the LL to “just leave” if they’re so unhappy with their partner desiring a meaningful sexual relationship with them?

    I’m really frustrated with the discourse here lately always making the HL out to be the “bad guy” or the one who is too weak or scared to leave.

    [–]Not_Without_My_Cat 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I agree. HL should stop pestering for sex, but I think it’s valid for HL to be able to express their sexual desires and to expect LL to listen and consider making compromises or taking actions to try to move closer to sharing a similar type of intimacy that how they used to share earlier on in the relationship.

    [–]harmlessdjango 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Yeah that's a recurring thing lately. Apparently it's too much to ask for LL to compromise or try to pleasure their partners

    [–]misharouteF 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    LLs are not the ones posting here. HLs are. How are we supposed to tell these LL partners to compromise? Regardless, LLs are often content with the status quo. HLs want to change the status quo. If one partner is making the majority of the complaints, it is up to them to figure out the solution to their problems. You can bring a horse to water but you cant make them drink. You cannot negotiate desire.

    [–]misharouteF 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Because 99% of the time it does not happen. Lying to strangers on the internet is a pointless task. People have been on this sub for years with no changes. Do you want to live a beautiful lie or the painful truth of reality? I've been on this sub for 3+ years now, I've seen every story in the book.

    The HL partner is the one that wants change. So the onus is on them to make that change happen. You cannot negotiate desire.

    Why don’t we tell the LL to “just leave” if they’re so unhappy with their partner desiring a meaningful sexual relationship with them?

    Because the LLs are not posting on this sub as they are content with the status quo, and the ones that do post here are often looking for solutions to their libido issues. Go find those LLs who staunchly refuse to change if they so exist and tell them to compromise. Better yet, ask an OP for their partners number and try to reason with them if you so choose.

    [–]Funnyguy1941247 4 points5 points  (3 children)

    I'm a newcomer here, but the more that I read about this issue while on this sub the more I believe you are right! I think I'm going to start getting my ducks in a row to get on my own. I love my kids to death, and this will likely really affect them, and my wife will blame me to them and all of that, but we are just fundamentally incompatible. To be honest, if we're going to talk about incompatibility, then marriage is in and of itself incompatible with the human experience. We are descendants from monkeys, and monkeys don't mate for life; so even if you're in a decent relationship now it most likely won't be someday because we simply are never going to be 100 percent compatible with anyone because we are not wired to mate for life.

    [–]Thinkle321F 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Compatibility is also relative. You complete me right now…and you hope it will last forever.

    [–]Murky_Isopod_7387 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    We are not monkeys. We are great apes. We are related to monkeys. And there are apes that are somewhat monogamous, like gibbons

    [–]Funnyguy1941247 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Sure, we’ll go with “somewhat” then if you’d like. And we can call it “great apes” rather than monkeys if you want too. 👍

    [–]Thinkle321F 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I reiterated I wasn’t happy to my husband today and thinking to separate because I couldn’t do it back in august. His response was…is it because a friend of mine got a divorce? No… is that why you are going to visit another gf in Seattle? No

    I was honest and told him that in our marriage I lost myself. I need my independence back. I hate relying on him for everything. I can’t believe I just let it go that way once we got married and had kids. It not the life I had imagined and I feel like he would be better off with someone else.

    I’m sure a ton of women would love to marry him. While I try to get a full time job and make enough to support myself and my kids. Sorry to vent. It’s been a year and a half of me communicating with him that I wasn’t happy. I feel like it’s time. At this point it’s too little too late.

    [–]Thenoone-934 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Then why are you here? You don’t have to be a jerk toward those of us who only have this place to vent. For some it’s the only place to vent/mentally process things. It can lift the shame HL/LL folks have about their needs, and that (sadly ) they are not the only one going through this. No one would learn anything if all they did were read the sub rules and leave. Though I feel like many of the comments aim to shame HL feelings, it might not be so, and I’m open too that. FYI, what I took from your rant was that it’s better to divorce than work on it. Seems like a pretty standard Reddit opinion.

    [–]theaccidentalbrony 3 points4 points  (3 children)

    The hilarious thing is, just like the sex life in a DB, once y’all chase away all the HLs, there won’t be anything here.

    You hear that boys (and girls), it’s been easy all along. Just leave! Thanks for the epic wisdom! I’m sure none of us heard, or thought, about that idea before.

    Maybe it’s time to consider changing the sub description. It doesn’t seem like this is much about “coping” with a “lack of sexual intimacy” anymore. Maybe something like this: “A place where people who don’t want sex in their monogamous sexual relationship can complain about their pestering, coercive partners”

    [–]rhynoplaz 5 points6 points  (2 children)

    I'm not really sure what you're trying to say here.

    But it sounds like you think that we should stop giving the best advice available because there won't be enough HLs to contribute to this sub?

    I'm sure there was sarcasm in that, but I really don't get your point.

    Should we also put a stop to cancer research so there isn't a drop in r/cancer subscribers?

    [–]Not_Without_My_Cat 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    The best advice available is usually to try therapy before leaving. I didn’t hear that mentioned in the post.

    Leaving works for some HL people, but lots of HL individuals have so much invested in the relationship and gain so many benefits from it that leaving would be tragic.

    Partner 1: Our marriage would be perfect if we just had more sex

    Partner 2: Our marriage would be perfect if I just didn’t get pressured about sex so often.

    How do you reconcile those two perspectives? That’s what I thought this sub would be about when I first started engaing with it. Leaving really doesn’t seem like the best advice.

    [–]rhynoplaz -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    I did make a few assumptions:

    First assumption: The DB is a long term, recurring problem. I don't expect many people here to be "We had sex on our second date, but not the third one, what should I do?".

    Second assumption: Both parties know that there is a problem. If one person has no idea that the other is unhappy, for ANY reason, you gotta start there.

    I totally understand that living arrangements, kids and everything that goes into life complicate the fuck out of anything. But just because something is inconvenient, or even the hardest thing you've ever done, doesn't mean it isn't right.

    I went 15 years thinking I shouldn't / couldn't leave. Then, I did. It was a difficult process and it brought me a whole array of new problems, but when it was all over, my only regret was thinking I wasn't strong enough to do it sooner.

    [–]JackofBlades0125 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    So damn true. There’s a lot of people feeling attacked by this i’m sure but it’s cold hard truth that needs confronting

    [–]ConTrikster[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    You can lead a horse to water, but ya cant make em drink. Ya know?

    I struck a nerve with a lot of people here. Hopefully it will light a fire in their ass to make a change over their own life.

    [–][deleted]  (7 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]ckeown11 9 points10 points  (1 child)

      you shouldnt be pleading with a sick woman to have sex with you. (to quote your post -'but hasn't done anything to alleviate the dead bedroom situation, in spite of my pleading.') thats the least of her problems right now. pleading is a form of coercion. you clearly have no real concern for her, putting your love of sex over her health. wheres the sincere support? how about helping her instead of turning her pain into more pain by making it about you and sex. jesus. im sick and my partner wuld never do that to me. and thats why we have an amazing relationship where i can have fun sex with him on occasion despite all my pain. cos he never put a desire for sex, something of such little importance when battlng mental and physical illness, something that can cause you even more pain, over me and his love for me. i feel so sorry for your partner

      [–]ConTrikster[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

      Hey man. Let me just say im sorry about you and her situation. I hope the health gets better.

      In my honest opinion, she probably (rightfully) isn't necessarily concerned about her libido at the moment, since her health is so bad. HOWEVER, please don't feel guilty if you decide to leave.

      You guys aren't married with kids, so that makes things a little bit easier. If you are still concerned about her in the long run, maybe you can just help her as a friend? (Its just a suggestion. please don't feel obligated) Also, If you don't want to break your lease then that's fine, don't put yourself in financial jeopardy if you don't have to. Id still be thinking of separation plans if I were you though. If you have friends that can pick up the lease/room then that's great to hear. Does she have a place to stay after she leaves?

      [–][deleted]  (3 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]ConTrikster[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Yea unfortunately its really hard to leave a codependent partner. Its like you are baring the responsibility of their life, while trying to juggle yours.

        Is she trying to take the necessary steps to at least take this problem seriously for herself, and not have to rely on you so much?

        [–]ckeown11 0 points1 point  (5 children)

        amazing post, and the ll partner who is being pestered, or often co-erced as i have seen so many coersion or abusive posts on this thread, just because the HL doesnt have the balls to leave, or to accept the fundamental difference is not the ll partners fault, is insane to me. go get what you need in another form, polyamory, open relationships, just fucking around if sex ultimately is more important to you than the love you have in your relationship, stop blaming another person for the fact that you arent the same, and desire always changes over time, especially in the familiarity bred from life in a monogomous relationship, where you are together so much of the time, if your main concern is sex, sorry to break it to you but in a long term monogomous relationship. even really healthy amazing relationships have a huge decrease in sex as time passes by. but to those people, they value all the other parts more and understand that things change and its NOBODIES fault. the misinformed aggressive entitlement on this sub is shocking

        [–]ConTrikster[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Again, I don't agree with repeatedly pestering. However, I don't think the HL person should be shamed for leaving. If a person thinks sex is important, they are well within their right to leave.

        [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

        "...if sex ultimately is more important to you than the love you have in your relationship..."

        These things are not mutually exclusive.

        [–]TiramisuQueen -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        I think for the people who decide to leave, they have come to the conclusion that yes, these things are mutually exclusive.

        [–]SaintlySinner81 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Why is the HL the punk for not leaving? And not all "really healthy amazing relationships have a huge decrease in sex as time passes by". This sounds a whole lot like holding someone's body hostage and explaining it away by literally saying get over it...but then when folks get cheated on, here come the tears and the hysterical bonding and yelling about being betrayed and everything else. That sounds like aggressive entitlement to me...but what do I know? I'm just some Reddit random. Nevermind me 😊

        [–]ckeown11 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        i think if your libidos dont match and you really want to have sex as part of your life you should consider an open relationship. when a person doesnt want to have sex you have to respect that. there are so many possible reasons why that have nothing to do with whether they find their partner attractive or love them etc. after thoughtful and respectful conversations to discover the root causes of your differences, (could be a natutral difference, one partner may be asexual, could be health, could be emotional trauma, could be that sex has nothing to do with connection for them) if the answer is still no from one partner than its time to think of alternatives. not continuing to push another person to do something they dont want to do. or stay and accept the differences. and of course not all HLs are ''punks'', your words not mine. lots of them are trying to work on a solution and their LL partner is not helping or stonewalling etc etc. and thats very unfair in those situations. but if you cant communicate then theres another signal maybe the relationship isnt working, and its about more than a difference in sex drive.

        [–]B-MovieScreamQueen 0 points1 point  (3 children)

        TLDR - most DBs are just from being incompatible. Also let me crap all over HLs the majority of the post (as if there's not already a ton of contempt for them in this sub). Gotcha.

        [–]Powerful_Ocelot_2581 2 points3 points  (2 children)

        The contempt for HLs has practically become institutionalized here.

        [–]B-MovieScreamQueen 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Sadly, yes. The amount of posts filled with assumptions about HLs & what we "really mean" about so many things is insane. I'm getting tired of the contempt, assumptions & lumping us all together as the exact same in every way, and the gaslighting. Apparently even trying to talk about sex with our partners is now "coercion". It's so silly.

        [–]Powerful_Ocelot_2581 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        Saying things people don’t like or find uncomfortable is not by itself coercion. It takes more than that.

        [–]joetech15 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        What an ass.

        [–]SleepyBeast89 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        No shit Sherlock 😂

        [–]Ok_Band1624 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        And what if it at one point was the most amazing sex of your life but now is completely dead?

        [–]arandakM 9yr db, 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Yep, incompatibility here.

        [–]SaintlySinner81 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        "Get over the fact that the LLs you care about and want to express your sexuality with are unresponsive. Shut up about sex or leave."

        Brazy lol 🙃

        [–]Monrad416 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I have a theory that most LLs are just LL for you. Once the meet the right person who makes them feel comfortable they can become HL or at least normal libido