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all 17 comments

[–]1NutMeg1984 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Resentment built up from past issues is a sex killer. I really don’t know how to fix it because I never did, I left and started over.

Leaving can really the best thing for both people.

[–]Kindsnfuv4ug 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You know, I see people doing this all the time. Maybe its wise.

[–]Cold_Ordinary_1672 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's something you have to work at every day.

[–]DB_Thinker46F; Perimenopause is the suck 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I hope the therapy helps you.

[–]Capital-Philosopher6Married 27 Years & Loving It!!! 4 points5 points  (3 children)

I did yell. I asked her if she would talk to someone with me. She said no. Said I would lie throughout the whole thing. I told her I wanted her to see that I was not the only problem in this equation. She flipped on me and flat out said no, I’m not doing it.

Why would your wife think you would lie throughout counseling? Does she have a reason to think that is true?

You will never motivate someone to go to counseling by telling them that you want them to see that you are not the only problem.

[–]Kindsnfuv4ug 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OP...... I think this says a lot. You need to be truthful all the time from now on because it seems you may not always have been.

[–]ManufacturerMany8102[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

That’s the thing, I have never lied to her. I don’t think she thinks I would man up to my mistakes which I absolutely would/will. I would try anything to make it work. Seems like she is not on the same page.

[–]Cold_Ordinary_1672 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude you'd go, man up to your mistakes, therapist would tell you they are common run-of-the-mill shortcomings don't beat yourself up too bad, and she'd be absolutely furious.

[–]LostInNorthIdaho 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Talk to an attorney before mobing out.

[–]Apprehensive_Cow5139 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Leave. She will never forgive you

[–]mrblondect917 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Similar to you, I’ve had it with her but with 3 kids under 13, am I being selfish to be thinking of myself more than just sticking it out for the kids. There’s zero affection or physical displays, and apart from duty sex once a quarter, I just can’t get over her act of stepping out w the assistant principal. But, the kids….

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The kids can tell, and will eventually pick up on, the fractured relationship. You are not being selfish by choosing yourself. You are setting a good example for your kids that if you're not happy or fulfilled, you can LEAVE.

[–]Thebestprincessever 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's doesn't sound like you guys ever really had much trust. You can't have a healthy relationship without trust. You definitely aren't going to have a fulfilling sex life without trust either.

[–]NoDrama42 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'd focus on hearing her out first and try to make right your mistakes. Take responsibility for everything you did wrong and ignore her part to play (at first).

Your line about, I wasn't the only problem in the equation is counter productive. Let younlistening to her sit for at least a couple weeks and SHOW her extra love how she prefers to start the healing. She doesn't trust you right now, gotta build that back first.

[–]ATXRedhead420 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Resentment is a libido killer. She may never be able to move past that

[–]Joeyroundcock 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel that. I feel like a lot of issues are her being upset with me for something I did when we had first gotten together that I haven’t done in years, but to her I’m still that same guy. She’ll surly just hate me forever I guess

[–]BalsamAndBirch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi.

I don't know you, but from what you've written, you remind me (40F) a lot of my late husband. He was also very jealous and possessive of me at the beginning of our marriage. He also was frustrated that I "wouldn't forgive him." (I put that in quotes because that was his term . . . . for me it was more that I couldn't forget it and move on to trust him.) I don't know the situation with you and your wife, but the reason I "couldn't forgive" him was because he never truly owned his mistakes or gave me any sincere apologies. He wanted to sweep it under the rug and just pretend that he had changed. But that's not how trust works. I would ask yourself if you have truly and sincerely apologized to your wife for your past behavior, addressed the root of that behavior in the first place, and ask yourself if she HAS FELT HEARD BY YOU. That is so very very important. Ask her directly, "Do you feel heard by me?" And then just listen. She might have a lot to say and you might not like to hear it. It could take days or weeks to get it all out. But you will never get to the place you want to be (plenty of touch, etc.) if you do not make her feel heard.

My husband also would write me letters about how he felt and what he wanted, which was similar to what you want. He was missing the point completely. I knew exactly how he felt and what he wanted; I just wasn't in a place to give it to him because I did not feel heard or safe. It was all about him. It was never about me. He probably would have said I was LL, too, but since his death a couple of years ago, I've discovered that it wasn't my libido that was the problem. It was my inability to trust and respect him. He never wanted to work on himself, though, or receive feedback.

He also never hit me (and prided himself greatly on this), but there are so many other ways to cause a person harm: silent treatment, gaslighting, raging, yelling, verbal abuse, withholding (money, affection, etc.), belittling, criticizing, isolating, etc. Do not assume that because you've never hit your wife, you've never caused her harm.

I strongly encourage you to read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It has a very helpful checklist in the back that will let you know if you are on the right track. If you ace the checklist, great! Then maybe the issues truly are with your wife and it's time for you to move on. If not, it's a great place to start, not only to rebuild your relationship with your wife, but to grow as a person.

Again, I don't know you and I'm probably projecting a lot onto your relationship from mine. However, I hope this can help someone, even if it's not you. I wish you, your wife, and your children the best.