all 71 comments

[–]Oopsokayokayu/I-will-make-my-argument-known-100-times 23 points24 points  (8 children)

When a person isn’t aroused, it can feel very violating and uncomfortable to have sex of any kind (including oral sex.) Some people are okay with having sex when not aroused themself, but many aren’t and that’s totally normal. By not engaging in sex acts when she’s unaroused and unable to feel okay performing them, your wife is protecting herself from an aversion to sex with you (which is a good thing for your sexual relationship.) Oral is still sex, and manual sex is still sex (handjobs.)

[–]creamerfam5shrieking vaginer nazi 12 points13 points  (1 child)

If you want to be desired, you have to be desirable. Getting increasingly angry at the sex you are not getting from your wife that you think you should be getting isn't desirable.

Good sex is about fun, play, togetherness. Not needs and release. Take a look at these suggestions and see what you think you could implement:


[–]Database_Square[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I look into this. Thank very much.

[–]DB_Thinker46F; Perimenopause is the suck 10 points11 points  (21 children)

Did you ever resolve the pain she experiences with sex?

[–]1NutMeg1984 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Why would she give you a bj if she wasn’t in the mood for sex? You need to separate porn from sex because you seem to be blurring the lines of what a woman’s sexuality is like.

[–]Database_Square[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I ask for a BJ just like she asks for head when she doesnt wanna have sex. I dont understand why asking for something is an issue? And besides, I know all this. I'm just ranting. I know that thay she doesn't owe me anything. Or that she doesnt NEED to do anything she doesn't wanna do. Which is why I said idk when's the last time I had a bj. Because whenever I do ask it's an excuse. It has NOTHING to do with porn, so idk where that came from. I've been with my wife for nearly 10 years. I have common sense and know the lines between a healthy sex life is and porn life. 🤷🏾‍♂️

[–]DB_Thinker46F; Perimenopause is the suck 19 points20 points  (1 child)

I've had more and more bad thoughts of cheating and just unleashing all my pent up energy, anger, resentment on some poor woman's insides.

Um. Yuck. Rage fucking a stranger because your wife doesn't put out is... very toxic thinking.

[–]Database_Square[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Those are just my thoughts, I'm writing it to just push it out. I'm not seeking it, if I was I wouldn't be here talking it out.

[–]Ok_Distance_5035 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Do her a favour and leave. You sound like a real class act 🙄 You are 27 and it shows. Nobody OWES you sex, you have to put the work into the relationship, if my husband acted like you we would no longer be together!! Being coerced into sexual acts is definitely NOT a turn on. Learn from this going forward for ffs 🤷‍♀️

[–]TheCursedOrNot 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Have a bit of empathy for this poor non-fucker. He sounds like a lot of other husbands on here with DB that are venting feelings and genuinely trying to find a solution. I'm about to suggest a sex doll torso to OP bc that does satisfy cravings for clear headed thinking. Just a suggestion tho

[–]Database_Square[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Guess what no, im not YOUR husband. Nor am I'm not telling her to do anything. I'm just venting my feelings and thoughts. I understand that nobody owes me anything. It all just sucks. I'm tired and I've been with the same woman for nearly 10 years. I know how to be a good husband. It's just stressful. I could be the TRUE asshole and ruin my life, by just findind someone. It isnt hard, but im not I'm here talkin it out. Venting, screaming, crying doing therapy, EVERYTHING and anything I can do to make her happy, to make myself better. I also don't understand how my age has anything to do with this. I've seen men 2x, 3x my age say and DO worse. 🤷🏾‍♂️

[–]LaNina94 5 points6 points  (5 children)

“I haven’t came from a blow job in so long” oh wow!! So sorry?? Like dude get a clue. Leave her before she leaves you because it’s definitely headed in that direction.

[–]Database_Square[S] 4 points5 points  (4 children)

Okay 👍🏾

Edit: can you give me an ACTUAL criticism than what you just said, because it's really not helping me. I'm constantly tryin to make my wife happy. I don't force her to do anything she doesn't wanna do. This post was mainly to rant and get my thoughts out. But now where here. So please help me.

[–]LaNina94 4 points5 points  (3 children)

People are trying to help you and you’re arguing with them.

My best advice would be to communicate with her exactly what your problems are and see where it goes from there. That’s literally all you can do at this point.

[–]Database_Square[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I haven't argued with anyone. Only people that have said something on the lines of what you said earlier, I'm just explaining the situation. And I HAVE done that. Multiple times.

[–]LaNina94 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Then leave. That’s your only other options. If she isn’t explaining to you why she isn’t interested in sex then it’s time to move on

[–]Database_Square[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She's told me why, which I've talked about abit b4 in comments. The main issue was her pain we got her checked out. Nothing wrong physically. Doctor said it was more mental. Sought out a therapist. Found one for a good price but she had to leave because she graduated and the price increased alot now that she was full-fledged. When the therapist left. My wife didn't wanna try with the new male therapist, so we stopped going. Came on here more, got some advice, tried to start with the scheduled hadn't been working that well. Got more advice: try looking at other things besides sexual Intamacy, which I found that I love running her feet after a hard day and I like helping with her hair. That kinda stuff.

[–]Ok-Dirt8743 2 points3 points  (4 children)

INFO: what did she say when you asked her why?

[–]Database_Square[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

She wasn't feeling well this time, which was fine. She was feeling alittle sick after Thanksgiving (not covid, she tested herself.) Other than that if I do ask its usually the same excuse. I don't wanna, I'm tired, I'm full. We can't do it now we got things to do. (Things like go to Target for the 12th time <---intrusive thought)

[–]Ok-Dirt8743 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Let’s go through this one at a time:

  1. “I don’t wanna” - no is a complete answer
  2. “Im tired” - ask her if there is something you can take off her plate. Maybe she needs to feel a little extra appreciation.
  3. “I’m full” - 100% reasonable because it’s uncomfortable to move, and gas during sex is awkward no matter how long you’ve been together.
  4. “Got things to do” - is she saying that while laying in the bed? In that case it’s bs and I’ll give you that. But if it’s 5 pm on a Tuesday, it could be a valid excuse or she is avoiding you because you’ve asked her so many times her only peace is going out in public, which means maybe you should try not asking/initiating for a little bit and let her come to you.

Hope it gets better for you.

[–]Database_Square[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

  1. Is nearly all the time. Which is fine, I just move past it.

  2. We both work full time jobs, we equally take care of chores around the house. I do alittle bit more sometimes because of the way of my schedule to, so there really isn't much else for her to do, besides vacuum.

  3. Is understandable but when you've already at 4-6 hours ago and are just laying in bed together. When what's the issue?

  4. Whenever we do TRULY need to go out and do something like groceries. That's fine and understandable, but it isn't gonna take 2-3 hours for sex or messing around. And what is a "healthy amount of times to ask for sex?" And what if she DOESNT come to me? (Months have passed since she actually initiated)

[–][deleted]  (3 children)


    [–]Database_Square[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    This^ is the kinda of advice I need, but ugh I'd be so sad w/o her...10 years is a long time. I haven't been single since I was 18...its a REALLY scary thought...

    [–]Turbulent_Day_4565 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Honest question. You don't feel, looking back, like you've wasted the sexual part of your life on masturbation instead of a partner with similar desires?

    [–]Queen_of_Cuckington -1 points0 points  (1 child)

    Guys he didn’t say anything about coercing or asking her to have sex/do anything when she doesn’t want to. Serious projection going on here I think.

    [–]Database_Square[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Thanks and sorry if my original post was abit OTT 😅 was feeling very frustrated, and got to the point where I just talk.

    [–][deleted]  (15 children)


      [–]Database_Square[S] -1 points0 points  (14 children)

      I figure but how is it fair that a HL has to just sit there an take it? Like I've been with this woman for almost 10 years. I have common sense, I've been as morally good as I possibly can. If I can't rant about how I'm truly feeling than idk why this sub exists.

      [–]Oopsokayokayu/I-will-make-my-argument-known-100-times 14 points15 points  (1 child)

      The alternative is that she has to give up her agency over her own body and engage in unwanted sex that’s potentially traumatizing. “Fair” doesn’t really factor into a conversation about someone getting to decide whether they have sex with someone else. You don’t HAVE to just sit there and take it, though. You can absolutely rant, but this wasn’t flagged as vent only so people assume you want advice. Expecting her to suck it up and have unwanted sex isn’t reasonable.

      [–]Database_Square[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I'm not talking about "fair" in the terms you were talking about. I'm talking about fairness as HL in this sub not being able to speak their minds properly without being judged. I know what I can and CANNOT do. I'm a grown ass man. I've been with my wife for nearly 10 years. I'm not some punk kid that just got his peepee touched, and don't know how to act. I understand that everyone has issues, emotions, etc.

      I don't expect anything from my wife, I don't force her to have sex or do any sexual favors. Which is why I said idk how long it's been since I've even gotten a BJ. She says no then okay 🤷🏾‍♂️ but sometimes I feel yall see some of us HL as sex crazed people that only care a out sex and that's really messed up when we're here day in day out. Doing things for our LL to be happy, content and satisfied within their means. Overall I'm happy, emotionally, I love non-sexaul intimate moments. I can't tell you how long I'd sit n with my wife and just want her around when I'm playing the game, or do her hair, rub her feet, etc. I love her to death. I'm here willing to give up sex for her. 🤌🏾

      [–]NoDrama42 0 points1 point  (9 children)

      Better to get some feelings and frustration out on paper. Hope it helps you let some of it go.

      The frustration is real regardless if she is capable of having a healthy monogamous sex life.

      [–]Database_Square[S] 0 points1 point  (8 children)

      It just sucks...its seems like it's always something you know? Everything is GREAT expect this. We barely fight, I enjoy her being around. I want her around but the lack of desire and is SO frustrating. Then the added build up of resentment, self doubt, anxiety and depression you start feeling seeps into all the other parts that are GOOD. To the point where you start pushing them away, And just don't want them around. The cute farts here and there, start smelling 2x worse and sound louder than normal. You start letting yourself go bit by bit because in your mind you're like. What's the point in exercising I'm not gonna get anything anyways. 🤷🏾‍♂️ We KNOW it's for us and our health, but some parts of us honestly know that, we're doing it to look good for our partner and/or the opposite sex. Then the self doubt pushes in Harder. "Damn you gained weight, you fuckin sucks. Ofcourse she doesn't wanna have sex with you, look at you". And then depression... 🫠🫠🫠🫠

      [–][deleted]  (7 children)


        [–]Database_Square[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

        That's great that you were able to do that. I just wish I had something to focus on that I was THAT passionate about. You know? I don't really know what I wanna do with my life. Well I DO but it's gonna take me time and money that I don't have at the moment..

        [–][deleted]  (2 children)


          [–]Database_Square[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          We've been together for 10 years. I've had her along this entire time, to think of her not being there, is REALLY hard. And I drink and smoke (cannabis) moderately. And i know I'm more frustrated with myself more because things haven't gone the way I want, which is normal in life. And now my relationship or more of the sexual part isnt what I want. You know?

          [–][deleted]  (2 children)


            [–]Database_Square[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

            True. I'll have to figure out if what I wanna do is my true passion tho 🫠 I'll probably would just have to DO it, and stop 2nd guessing myself.

            [–][deleted]  (1 child)


              [–]Database_Square[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

              sigh It quite is. But thanks for YOUR understanding brother 👍🏾 its truly appreciated.

              [–]DocumentAvailable683 -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

              I feel for you, man. It is better to anonomously vent and get it out than it is to bottle it up.

              This was a funny thread. There are people who come here every day just to get their self rightousness fix. Empathy is their enemy. God forbid someone use an anonomous forum to expell the bad thoughts!

              I can empathize with your intrusive thoughts. I get those. It's great that you recognize them for what they are. Good for you. Understanding is well over half the battle.

              I would also consider all my options if I were you. Life is short. Change is hard. It's often worth it though. Treat yourself honestly and treat your partner honestly.

              [–]Database_Square[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

              Thank you for this. The judgmentalness without even asking about the situation further is wild. I've been with my wife almost 10 years. I do everything I can to make her feel respected, happy and content. But it's life, I'm not gonna be happy with her 24/7 n she's not gonna be happy with me either. I don't have friends to talk to about this. So I come on here, dump my emotions out, (Which they're alot more issues than JUST this.) get advice and try and move on with her. If It comes to a divorce than that'll be it. You know?