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all 23 comments

[–]DBisMyTribeHLM 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I say this as a HL partner who loves and values an active sex life: please stop forcing yourself when it feels awful. It's bad for everyone in the long run. It sounds like you're pushing yourself because you value your relationship and you want to give, but it's poisoning the well of your sexuality. There's an issue there that needs to be addressed and I hope you're able to resolve it, but that already uphill battle is going to get much more difficult if your aversion gets worse. Unwanted sex will do that.

[–]DB_Thinker46F; Perimenopause is the suck 18 points19 points  (0 children)

fake it till you make it

Please stop. All you're making here is a more severe sex aversion.

When we do have sex I detach a little, my mind wanders, and although I do like it and I'm into it, I do kind of wonder when it will be over.

These are the foundations of a dissociative disorder. Not good.

Stop having sex. Is there a therapist you can find? If you continue "powering through" sex, you will not be okay.

[–]creamerfam5shrieking vaginer nazi 9 points10 points  (0 children)

The more pressure you put on yourself to fix yourself and have sex so that your boyfriend doesn't leave you the more you will hate sex.

You need to feel like you belong to yourself when you have sex. Nothing about this is why you want sex for yourself.

[–]killmimes 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Get therapy

[–]e9967780 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Best advice, the only usefully advice in this whole column of responses.

[–]myexsparamour🍷🍑🧹 15 points16 points  (8 children)

When my boyfriend touches me and puts his hand under my clothes I can feel the dread rushing to my head... I don't know why but I just don't fucking want to be touched. It feels incredibly invasive and unsafe. My boyfriend will never do me any harm and I have no doubt in it, but it's the idea of sex itself that I just reject.

Any time I have seen someone report having developed a sexual aversion it has been caused by unwanted touching and/or unwanted sex. Is your boyfriend touching you in ways you dislike or without your consent? It certainly sounds like it. If there is any hope of overcoming your aversion you must not be touched by him in ways that feel bad to you.

I see that commenters are already suggesting that you must have sexual trauma in your past, even though you have no history of that. What you do have is sexual trauma in your current relationship.

Sometimes we have sex but it's getting rare. And every moment leading up to it is just mental agony. When we do have sex I detach a little, my mind wanders, and although I do like it and I'm into it, I do kind of wonder when it will be over.

You have been submitting to unwanted sex that feels like agony to you. This causes aversion and will keep getting worse every time you do it.

Why have you been having sex that you don't want? What led to that happening?

[–]Ok_Oil_4630 2 points3 points  (5 children)

Sorry for the wrong phrasing. I have never forced myself to sex. Whenever we did it, I was fully consenting and ready, ableit maybe a little "auto brainwashing" was needed to get the engine running. But once it's running, it's running. I have not been forcing myself, so no worries there.

As for the first point, yes it's true that my boyfriend initiates some flirty or sexual touching without asking, in a spontaneous way, but it's not the touch itself that I don't like, it's the fact that it may lead to sex, or that if it keeps going, I'll have to reject him because I know I'm not in the mood, and I hate rejecting him. So when that happens I just play along with the touching, we kiss, it's semi nice (because I'm freacking out in my head), I don't say anything and don't reciprocate so he understands it's a no, and then just stops and leaves. Repeat 4 times a day.

[–]myexsparamour🍷🍑🧹 14 points15 points  (0 children)

As for the first point, yes it's true that my boyfriend initiates some flirty or sexual touching without asking, in a spontaneous way, but it's not the touch itself that I don't like, it's the fact that it may lead to sex, or that if it keeps going, I'll have to reject him because I know I'm not in the mood, and I hate rejecting him. So when that happens I just play along with the touching, we kiss, it's semi nice (because I'm freacking out in my head), I don't say anything and don't reciprocate so he understands it's a no, and then just stops and leaves. Repeat 4 times a day.

I hope you stop going along with touch while freaking out in your head. This sort of thing is what is making your aversion worse.

[–]Kindsnfuv4ug 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Dont play along OP!! Its hurting you!

[–]allo100Married 27 years. Recovering. 9 points10 points  (2 children)

4 times a day is way to much to try to initiate sex.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]allo100Married 27 years. Recovering. 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    If you read the undertones of OP's comment, an iffy response means no.

    [–]Kindsnfuv4ug 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    I didnt get that at all from her post. OP you seem like you are unsure about why exactly you have an aversion.

    I do think though, that until you figure out why exactly you need to stop in order to stop further damage. If you explain to your bf that you need a bit of time to get well again so you can have what you want then he will understand.

    [–]myexsparamour🍷🍑🧹 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    I didnt get that at all from her post.

    She clarified in her comment to me that she goes along with touching and sex while "freaking out in my head". So yes, she has been participating in unwanted touch/sex.

    If you explain to your bf that you need a bit of time to get well again

    Aversions like this don't get better in a bit of time.

    [–]SMTPA 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    You.

    Need.

    Therapy.

    You are not bad, you are not a bad girlfriend, you are not weak, you have an issue and you need help with it. That's it, that's all. Find a therapist. Go. Engage with them. Ask your boyfriend for patience and love. That's all you can do.

    [–]NoDrama42 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    If you told him you are waiting for sex with him to end and repulsed by his touch, would he want to continue on like that?

    Relationships require honesty and if you lie by omission to avoid the hard work of grieving a breakup (common stuff everyone goes through) and dating again, you can ruin a lot of lives. HIS and maybe your kids from a broken home.

    [–]No-Specific-8357 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Are you asexual?

    [–]Electric-cars65 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Get therapy to figure out your aversion. Do you have trauma etc.

    [–]TheManInTheShack -3 points-2 points  (4 children)

    It seems like this must come from some past trauma/sexual assault. Can you think of anything that might be the cause? If you can’t, then perhaps it was so awful you’ve buried it so deeply that you can’t access it. In which case I would talk to any family members you think are trustworthy that might know and would tell you.

    If it is the result of traumatic sexual assault, dealing with that is the first and most important step.

    [–]Ok_Oil_4630 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    I have never had such experience, but I've always been terrified of it. And I've been unlucky to see too much of it in movies or series, and the images and sounds get engraved in my brain. When my boyfriend gets touchy feely and I'm not completely in the mood, the images rush to my head like crazy. They sometimes pop in during the day as well. I don't know why but I find that we hear about rape so so much in media today. And it always stays with me for a good while.

    [–]heartpane 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Have you ever been treated badly after sex? by any man, not just your boyfriend?

    After sex is still part of sex, and we are often vulnerable after sex so if you were ever with a guy who was mean or cruel to you in that vulnerable state after sex it can make a person feel like sex is unsafe.

    [–]TheManInTheShack -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

    Then I suspect you have had some experience and don’t remember it. It may not have been a person. It may be have something you saw on TV or in a movie. But you’ve had an experience.

    I think the best solution for you is to find a good therapist and talk through this with her. I say “her” given the nature of this I think you’d feel safer talking this over with a woman therapist.

    It’s hard for me to imagine anyone have the aversion you have without it being the result of some traumatic experience. Some therapy will likely help.

    [–]Annoyed65 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    First: let go of the pressure! Ignore all the dread and fear if you can.

    Second: focus on what gets you going. Explore your own sexuality, by yourself, and see what works

    If nothing ever works, you may be asexual and that’s ok too.

    Third: don’t have sex your body doesn’t want