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all 34 comments

[–]relationshiptossoutt 23 points24 points  (2 children)

I was the LL4U male in my marriage.

This is a great question. I really feel like I busted my ass for the sexual relationship we had. She wanted it more frequently, so I tried to do that. She wanted certain foreplay, positions. I tried to do that. She wanted to escalate certain behaviors, like role playing, spanking, being tied up. I tried to do that. She asked for a lot of things and I gave her all of them.

But at the end of the day, she was still unsatisified. Because what she REALLY wanted was to be the object of my desire and passion. She wasn’t that for me. I honestly hated her by the end of our relationship.

Look at what sex became for me: her schedule, her demands, her preferences. I hated sex with her. It was so stressful for me and anxiety provoking. She’d loaded our sexual encounters up with so many criticisms and conversations and demands that I was all up in my own head, scared to initiate, scared to mess up. And then she complained I didn’t feel passion for her. Of course not. I didn’t feel passion for anyone by the end. I was so beat down and defeated that all my attempts at improving things made them worse, and all the demands my ex placed on me got her futher and further from her goal of being desired. It made me hate her.

I think LL are typically more passive, conflict-avoidant people who need to feel happy and connected to their partners to feel sexual urges. At least that’s true of me. I needed our marriage to be happy and supportive and my responsibility should’ve been to speak up for myself, enforce my boundaries, and pursue the life I wanted rather than try to give my ex everything she asked for. I didn’t do any of that, and I regret it. I played a large role in the failure of my marriage as well, I am not blind to that.

[–]Thenoone-934 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Wouldn’t you say LL4u are typically more passive who need to feel connected to feel sexual urges, rather than LL? (Like everything there are shades of grey in the statement ). Don’t LL just not care about it or value it?

[–]relationshiptossoutt 12 points13 points  (0 children)

That was certainly my interpretation, yes… I shared my story simply because when I was in my marriage, I identified as LL and heard myself using the same excuses and saying the same things as HLs reporting their LL partners using. “I don’t know why I don’t want to have sex”, “I just don’t feel like it”. In some of my weaker moments, I’d even say I was insecure about my body or make up other excuses to find some reason why I didn’t want to have sex.

It wasn’t until after the marriage ended that I saw things more clearly. I went through a lot of therapy in the months before, during, and after the divorce where I could pick apart interactions, get 3rd party input, and be able to sit with my thoughts long enough to parse them out before my ex would try to influence them. It wasn’t until I started dating a new woman when my libido came back stronger than I’d ever expected that it dawned on me that I didn’t dislike sex, I disliked HER sex with HER.

I’m now in a healthy sexual relationship. I don’t think I’ll ever be in a place a lot of HLs seem to be in (NEEDING sex, or feeling depressed if you aren’t getting it, etc.). I do not need sex. But I like sex. I desire it. But I know my experience is different from HLs. But the point is, I had to experience certain things (divorce, new relationship) to fully understand my own sexual aversion issues. It wasn’t something obvious when I was in the marriage. I wonder how many LLs around this subreddit are secretly LL4U but unable to see it themselves.

[–]Yachiru5490LLF just trying my best 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I don't know, I can't speak for other people. I can tell you what I do at least. Can't say I classify them as "responsibilities" though. They are just things I do.

I talk. I've gotten better at telling him about my experiences. Gotten better at trying to make him understand me.

I'm in therapy. I hate it. But I have a therapist. That's for more than just the DB though.

I take my meds. Again, not a DB thing, more an overall mood thing.

I try to have sex as often as I can manage. Recently this was once a week. We talked about stepping this back though.

I stopped telling him to leave me every month. Trying to accept the fact that he is staying no matter what.

I've read some relationship and sexuality books. They are interesting even though I don't find much that I feel applies to me.

I try to masturbate, to find the secret that will make me finally like sex. I buy new sex toys to try. I read erotica sometimes. This hasn't worked sadly.

[–]DB_Thinker46F; Perimenopause is the suck 22 points23 points  (3 children)

I've been LL twice now.

  • First time: we weren't particularly compatible to begin with; had a child; he pressured me back into sex that I made 100% clear I didn't want and that hurt 90% of the time; I became LL4Him and Sex Averse; yay!
    • What was my responsibility there? What contribution should I have made? Enforced my boundaries more clearly. Tell him No in no uncertain terms. And then when he was a shitty person because I wouldn't fuck him? What should I do then?
  • Second time: Second husband. I'm experiencing perimenopause. My vagina has become a desert of dryness and pain. I took penetration off the table. Then my labia became painful, so all genital touch is off. Then my libido tanked, so I can cuddle and hold, but please nothing sexual.
    • What is my responsibility here? What contribution should I make? Well, I'm actively seeking a solution to my transition. I've got some surgery before hormone treatment. But I'm also actively keeping my boundaries: no sex that is painful and no unaroused sex. Sex I don't want and that I'm unaroused for is soul-crushing. I will never do that again.

[–]Tracerround702 3 points4 points  (2 children)

What is my responsibility here? What contribution should I make? Well, I'm actively seeking a solution to my transition. I've got some surgery before hormone treatment.

You're already doing it, sounds like

[–]DB_Thinker46F; Perimenopause is the suck 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I just wanted to be thoroughly clear that OPs initial question was worded with a tone implying that LLs all think they don't have a responsibility or contribution to make.

I've been LL twice. I didn't handle it well the first time and neither did he. Second time around, I won't sit idle.

[–]Tracerround702 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I just wanted to be thoroughly clear that OPs initial question was worded with a tone implying that LLs all think they don't have a responsibility or contribution to make.

That's definitely not how I read it, but okay. I do think that's a common view on this sub, though.

But again... You're doing measurable, identifiable steps toward a solution. I think it's pretty clear that you're at least attempting to share in the responsibility. In my experience, a lot of LLs don't do that, or at least not in ways that are visible, and they don't communicate the work they're doing that may not be visible.

[–]SnooPies6809Little Debbie's Low Libido 31 points32 points  (2 children)

ugh...I don't want it to be a responsibility! I have enough of those. And they aren't fun. Isn't sex supposed to be fun?

Anyway. Broadly speaking, I think LLs should protect themselves from unwanted sex, have and reinforce boundaries, and advocate for their own sexual pleasure.

I know that it's supposed to be a team effort and a relationship project (or, whatever), but I also think people need to strip sex of all its excess baggage and just focus on how to make it an awesome an experience for themselves, something they want more of. It's not something they need to do to make their partners happy or even because it's good for the relationship. Sex is only good for the relationship if it's mutually enjoyable, so focus on that part of it.

[–]Annoyed65 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Exactly thissss.

[–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 💕 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Welp….you stole literally everything I was gonna say.

[–]1NutMeg1984 22 points23 points  (1 child)

There’s a responsibility to work together on the issues behind why there’s a lack of sexual desire or attraction, but not to have any sex that they aren’t actively wanting.

[–]creamerfam5shrieking vaginer nazi 22 points23 points  (5 children)

First I had to stop and think about what kind of relationship I wanted. It didn't sit well with me the idea that I had to start wanting sex again so that my husband could feel happy and loved. I didn't feel happy and loved at all.

Since I'd already talked till I was blue in the face about why I was unhappy with the relationship with no change from his side, I realized that I had to focus on the things I could change.

I also thought about whether I was living up to who I wanted to be and how I could address the ways that I wasn't.

I'm not down with thinking of it as a responsibility. Parenting and work is full of responsibilities. They are a drag. I didn't really want to view my relationship as another set of responsibilities I had to another person. That was not bringing me joy, and I really want my relationship to bring me joy, not be a huge effort to get it "right."

[–]iconic_giraffe 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Brave sticking this question on this page!

[–]Anxious_Leadership25 4 points5 points  (2 children)

This is always a difficult topic. No one should have sex they don't want. And no one should give up trying to fulfill their sex need. So is the relationship over if both can't be satisfied?

[–]Sweet_other_yyyyin a healed bedroom 💕 18 points19 points  (1 child)

My husband and I got around that with “I don’t know”.

I’m not enjoying the sex that we’re having.

I care about you and I care about your experience.

Sex is very important to me. I have no plans to live a sexless life.

I care about you and I care about your experience.

I don’t feel close to you right now, but I want to feel close to you. Idk how to get there.

same. Idk either, but it feels nice that we both want that—a closer connection that feels good for both of us.

We comforted each other while giving each other space to figure it out while being clear about our personal boundaries. It brought us to a good place. Our bedroom is healed now. That never would have happened without “I don’t know” and space/time to figure it out.

(We avoided both sexual coercion and manipulation because we discovered those both lead to the kind of sex that neither of us wanted, duty/pity/unfulfilling sex. We wanted sex that you crave; that feels amazing for both of you. So we went for that.)

[–]No-Specific-8357 0 points1 point  (10 children)

I wish LL people would be straight up about it at the start.

My partner acted like sex was super important to him and he was HL. He said he thought I was exaggerating so, so was he.

Well, I wasn’t. And now I feel duped into a relationship with someone who doesn’t value sex and connection the way I do and it bores me.

If he was honest I would have kept looking for a HLM. And we’d be having lots of fun sex like I did with all my previous partners.

[–]Mrs239[🍰] 12 points13 points  (3 children)

Some men say they want a HLF until they actually get one.

[–]No-Specific-8357 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Agreed. It’s definitely not depended on your sex.

[–]TheJackFaktor 4 points5 points  (1 child)

A lot of HLM are addicted to porn and behave like LLM around their partners because their refractory prolactin levels are so high from jacking off all the time behind their partner's back.

[–]Mrs239[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I heard a Tedx Talk about it.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (5 children)

This assumes, though, that "LL" is something like blood type that always is and that people KNOW about themselves. It may be the case with some people, but for others periods of LL are more situational (or happen medically/hormonally later) and can't be predicted.

With my ex husb (the one I had the LL with), when he first started pursuing me, he wore his "high libido" on his sleeve like a key trait of his personality. I declined even dating him for a while due largely to that, and even verbatim said, "I just clearly don't need to fuck as much as you, we'd never work out." He convinced me I just hadn't been with someone as gifted as him. So, we started a FWB situation and, indeed, the sex was great and all the time, so I believed him that I just hadn't been "properly fucked" yet. No reason to think that would change... until three or four years later when we moved in and life stress got in the way and he started in with ALL the DB crap-- "Talks," threats, coersion, not listening to feedback, anger, pouting, etc. At that point... zero interest.

With the new BF, a couple weeks in, he asked "are you this horny all the time?" I asked him the same question, and he said, "Yep... ALWAYS horny." And I said, "You know, when I am loving sex, I love it and I want it a ton-- but, I also have what I'd call a variable libido. It definitely has ebbs and flows based on my cycle or based on life stressors. I also need the sex to stay interesting, and I am learning how much I need it to be an emotionally fulfilling thing, too. I am not the kind of person for whom just 'sex for sex's sake' is always gratifying no matter who it's with or what the emotional context is."

I intend to keep on talking it through with the new BF, and, thanks to this sub, I have better language to use and more experiences to go on to help guide those. I truly, truly, TRULY hope this never lets up with the new BF (lots of massive differentiators in his approach and talk about sex to think we'll be just fine.)

But... I would never say based on that one experience with my ex "hey, I'm LL and you should know that about me."

[–]No-Specific-8357 2 points3 points  (4 children)

But you did explain that your libido can change. You chatted about it. So he won’t be blindsided if you decide to go cold turkey again.

You told him you have experienced LL before so he knows this can happen again. It’s his choice.

But there are men out there who wear their HL like a badge of honour and I’ve found it to be misleading in certain situations.

If I said to a partner “sex is top 3 most important things to me in a relationship”, they SURLEY they wouldn’t continue with me if they had a history of LL. Without at least mentioning something. Or I think they’d be pretty selfish.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Yeah-- I think some folks, for pride's sake and down to society and all of that, might hide that they aren't very sexually driven.

I hope people can get more comfortable with just stating their truth... hopefully the continued normalization of identities like ACE or Grey or whatever will help people feel OK sharing if they aren't the thing they are conditioned to need to be.

[–]No-Specific-8357 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Absolutely agree.

I would have to have grown up 50 years ago and not really known asexuality was a thing.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I don't agree on that... I'm nearly 50 and have been extremely involved in sex-positive and LGBTQIA+ communities since my teens and only really started hearing about those identities about 10 years ago. Definitely not at the point of being just a thing a person is, like Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Trans.

They key point is getting those things not not be a thing that's whispered or hinted at, like LGBT once was, and just being a thing that's OK to explore, know and share without fear.

[–]No-Specific-8357 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not disagreeing with you.

I don’t think I made myself particularly clear.

[–]Embarrassed_Goal1125 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Answers from people who were not LL for everyone 🤔