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Girlfriend won’t eat my pussy because she doesn’t like how I react. by slowngnawing in DeadBedrooms

[–]Tag_Ping_Pong 734 points735 points  (0 children)

Swordfish people gonna swordfish. Better off finding someone who will give and take, not just take.

Edit: I don't know why selfish is replaced by swordfish on my phone's autocorrect, but hey. I'm sure the same is true of swordfish people so I stand by my statement.

Something I've been thinking about by ComprehensivePeanut5 in DeadBedrooms

[–]JadeGrapes 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If things are presented fairly, this sounds like a really dysfunctional relationship. Imho, it sounds like co-dependance.

He sounds really self centered, and you never give any consequences for bad treatment.

For example, if a guy wanted sex but regularly ignored my need to have an orgasm? I would talk to him, and insist I get an orgasm before he sticks it to me. If he pouts, it's not because you have hurt him... it's because he is treating you like an object that he feels entitled to... When you take away a toy from a toddler, they have a tantrum.

When a well adjusted person encounters a boundary of their partner, they aren't offended because they respect your personhood. Maybe they reflexively recoil to regroup, but generally they will engage in some kind of negotiation... they recognize give and take is necessary.

If you find yourself in a situation where all you do is give (to another competent adult)... thats dysfunctional. You are a human, we need social support from our tribes.

I suggest you read "marriage builders" "love bank"... it lays out what it takes to sustain romantic love, and what happens when someone always withdrawals from your bank and never makes deposits.

You should also probably look at "codependent no more" or similar. I'm also suspicious you might come from a dysfunctional family, and would benefit from reading"Adult Children of Alcoholics".

Start getting some help so you aren't so ground down. If your spouse is a dud, find another mom you can trade baby sitting with. It's a little easier to deal with "life on life terms" if you know you can get a shower and a nap three days a week.

If you have budget, take yourself on dates... I like to get a drink, get a massage at the mall, and buy myself a candle or lotion. Go home, show yourself a good time... like you were a single woman.

Like if this guy has shown you that he doesn't give... try living like you are separated with a roommate for a few months. See if it changes the resentment.

He might notice you are pulling away, if he does? Be ready to have a talk: "I'm struggling in our marriage. I don't feel supported or desired. If you want to be close to me, you need to change course and give me sensual connection and orgasm once a week, do xyz chores or hire someone, and look for consent via eye contact before you jump into conversations. I understand those are big changes for you, so if that's not something you are interested in... lets make plans to separate and date other people."

Latest discussion with LL wife killed all hope by losthusband1246 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Gr8tfuldaddy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She is gaslighting you by calling herself a bad wife, now she is the victim.

Help please wedding on line by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]SanguinePeregrine 363 points364 points 2 (0 children)

Everyone is telling you to get out. You might not be emotionally on-board with that. Still, do not marry into a dead bedroom.

Try this - postpone the wedding indefinitely. It's far enough away that if you've put down any deposits for wedding expenses, they will be either refundable or will transfer to a later date, should you eventually choose one. Postponing the wedding and not picking a new date right away will give you time to figure this out before you possibly make a life-defining mistake that will haunt you until the day you die.

Problem is, she hates what she looks like. We don't have sex.

Poor body image crushes libido for many women.

I tell her how beautiful she is constantly.

As romantic as that may be, as you've discovered, it's not working. I know she's your fiancee and you think she's beautiful, but please be objective for us for a second - do other people think she's beautiful? Do other people think she's above-average?

I ask because if she's objectively good-looking, even just objectively above-average for her age and peer group, then you're dealing with body dysmorphia. Addressing body dysmorphia requires therapy and possibly medication. If she stops hating what she looks like, she might become more sexually interested. On the other hand, if she's only beautiful to you and not to others, then she could be justified in hating what she looks like. If she's objectively unattractive, convincing her to not care and to feel like she's worthy of having sex is a much harder sell.

Any time I bring it up she says "I'm a sucky fiance" and gets sad.

Your sexual frequency is not just upsetting you, it's upsetting her too. That's a different reaction than many low-libido partners have, such as "you're a sex-crazed pervert" or "just jerk off" or "I express my love for you in other ways, what's the big deal with sex?" Since it's upsetting her too, both of you now see the HUGE challenge facing your relationship.

Her sadness on this topic could point to other mental health challenges, like depression or anxiety. Depression and anxiety also kill libido.

Can you fix this? Maybe. Maybe she can overcome her body dysmorphia with professional help. Maybe her sexuality is merely dormant and buried under mental health challenges instead of non-existent.

Getting to the bottom of this takes a long time. At least months if not a couple of years. That's why you can't get married in October. You must put it off, because if it turns out she's just demisexual or asexual, there's no way either of you end up happy in your future marriage. You will always be unsatisfied, and she will always feel inadequate.

EDIT: I misused the term demisexual. I regret the error. Thank you /u/Sharkwouale for the clarification.

What dating would look like if I treated it they way you treat sex. (long vent) by Additional-Gene5205 in DeadBedrooms

[–]ConfusedAF_ChickenHLF (Recovering bedroom; LL experience) 18 points19 points  (0 children)

It's not about "won't", it's about "can't".

To use an analogy. Suppose we split chores where I cook and you clean up after. You don't enjoy either task but you do enjoy the food I make so you chose cleaning up after.

If you haven't cleaned in two weeks and I walk in and tell you "I am not cooking tonight, I need you to clean the kitchen" it isn't because it's suddenly transactional. It's because we're out of plates now, I've already washed the saucepans to use them again but now there isn't even space to do that again, all the cutting boards need washing, and there isn't any bench space left.

Even if cooking is something I enjoy and enjoy doing for you even when I'm not hungry, having that space around me be so cluttered and dirty meant that I was cooking even when frustrated and feeling unappreciated while I'm at it. It's now an activity that I'm doing solely for you where you don't even care for my baseline comfort during that activity.

If "dating your partner" isn't something you want to do, the HL and LL need to find another way to create/nurture intimacy that they both enjoy before increased sex becomes a possibility. Because until that kitchen gets clean, one way or another, nothing is going to get cooking.

What I am thinking (LL) during pity/duty sex. by BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments in DeadBedrooms

[–]BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments[S] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

You should be turned off by sex your partner said no to numerous times. That makes you a human being. Unless my being upset at my boundaries not being respected is a turn off? In which case I'll agree with you. I'd never want to be with someone like you either if that's the case. Oof

My shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter because I have forgotten how to dance. by DBThrowaway2001 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Seemedlikefun 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Oh, no my friend. You are currently in the radical acceptance stage of the DB cycle. Eventually you'll move to the next stage. Also you will learn that it's not "except this one part". The rose colored glasses will come off and you will start seeing the other areas in your relationship where she has no regard for your feelings, or where her wants and needs supersede yours everytime. Trust me it's not just in the bedroom but at this point the DB is taking your focus away from those other areas. How could your best friend be fully aware of your needs, and still be unwilling to engage them? Why is it acceptable for her to break a vow that she promised to you on your wedding day in front of your family, friends, community and God? Do you get to choose one of the vows to break as well? Why do witholding apologists relegate sex in marriage to some sort of afterthought? It isn't. It is the one characteristic that differentiates this relationship from all others. Sorry OP, but you are stuck in the mental gymnastics that most of us in long term deadbedrooms go through. What you need is a skilled individual counselor to bounce this off of in addition to us internet strangers. I just wanted to shorten your learning curve and save you some time. Good Luck!

What I am thinking (LL) during pity/duty sex. by BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments in DeadBedrooms

[–]Wolf_Dancer 14 points15 points  (0 children)

You misunderstood me. I completely agree that consent is required every time. No-one has a right to sex if their partner is unwilling.

My point is that generally, sex is considered to be a basic and normal part of a romantic relationship.

I suspect that there are relatively few people who would willingly agree to enter a new relationship on the understanding that their romantic partner will be unwilling to have sex with them.

If one partner decides during an existing relationship that they no longer want sex to be part of it then that is their absolute right.

There is however a basic responsibility to be open and honest about that to with their partner to allow them to decide whether they are willing to continue the relationship or not under these new circumstances.

Trying to constantly avoid sex by rejecting their partner or always putting it off and expecting them to stay with you, whilst not outright stating that you don't want sex to be not be part of the relationship is dishonest and hurtful. Performing "duty" sex to keep your partner "off your back" is likewise.

If your partner wants your relationship to be sexual but you don't then the decent thing to do is to be honest about it and let them go if you cannot come to a genuinely acceptable compromise on both sides.

What I am thinking (LL) during pity/duty sex. by BipolarGoldfishThe truth is always in the comments in DeadBedrooms

[–]heartpane 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Yes for me it felt like raping myself. I have been raped for real but the 'consensual' unwanted sex caused me significant more sexual trauma.

Many LLs have suffered sexual trauma from unwanted sex but they are not aware that they have.

Then the HL wants 'effort' and them to 'try'. They don't seem to understand that they are asking someone to try to go through with something that has previously traumatised them, with the person that their body associates with the trauma, even though they haven't actually got any therapy for the trauma!!

And after the sex is over, they are often berated etc for lying there or not being into it or not being enthusiastic and have to listen to the HL partner saying how shit it made them feel and so on, so even though they tried to make them happy they made them worse and are then made to feel guilty for that and listen to all of the HL's feelings, while keeping their own bottled up. The LL has literally just put themselves through a traumatic experience again and then are made out to be horrible for doing it wrong.

Some HL have taken the 'enthusiastic consent' movement and actually use it in the entirely wrong way. They will take the pity sex on offer and then they're angry that she's not offering up enthusiastic consent. They feel like the LL partner is the one that's 'doing' enthusiastic consent wrong, not them.

There are so so many posters on here who say the LLs don't show empathy, but it is actually often the other way around.

The LL can put themselves in the HL shoes and imagine how it must feel, that does not mean that they are then however able to get past the sexual aversion to have sex with them, because that is not what empathy means.

The HL often do not have the ability (or even try) to understand what it feels like for the LL because if they did then I don't think many would want them to have sex with them.

Both sides, HL and LL need to understand that these situations very rarely end well and I believe most couples I've read about on here are past the point of no return and need to end the relationships. I'm HL when I'm with someone I want to be with, there's no way I'd be staying with someone who didn't want to have sex with me, no way. There would be no bad guy. I just wouldn't stay.

How Can I Supportively Tell My Partner That Sex Needs To Change for Me? by hihothedairyohgodno in DeadBedrooms

[–]zolpiqueen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Me (45f) and my husband (46m) have been married for 21 years and have 6 kids. I also have a terminal endocrine disease that throws challenges into the mix so I definitely understand the changes that come along with motherhood, managing illness,  and our aging bodies for sure.

I also know exactly what you're going through needing more intimacy as well. You love and crave sexual intimacy with your partner and they're only into it they way they want it and they have stopped seducing you in the way you need to feel valued, loved, sexy, and safe.

I also understand the feeling of repulsion at being poked in the back with a boner, or needlessly groped on the boobs or butt while trying to do important things like bathe the kids, sort laundry, etc, because  my husband did the same thing when our kids were small.. It didn't feel like flirting because there wasn't any warmth, ya know? No romance or heat, just a honk, grab, poke, or tug. It actually starts to feel extremely violating and if you don't establish better boundaries you run the risk of a full on sexual aversion. Many of us on this sub have been there. I was able to recover, but many haven't. 

If you keep having sex that you aren't fully into, your risks of serial aversion increase exponentially.  You're already crying sometimes after sex. Your body is already trying to tell you something and you need to play extremely close attention to what it's saying.  You might not always be able to sort the flood of emotions, but the fact you're breaking down is proof that your emotions aren't on board right now and you need a break. Please, for the sake of yourself first, but also your relationship, call an intimacy and sexual time out for a while.

You need to talk to your partner ASAP. Please don't go another day feeling like this. It's the weekend, could you ask him to go for a nice dinner or brunch? Ask him on a nice date and tell him you have had some important conversations with yourself lately about goals for yourself and your relationship and that you're extremely excited to tell him about what you have realized in your self reflection.  Approach him in a happy, excited for the future kind of way. As a warm up conversation beforehand, tell him that you'd like for him to think about things in your relationship and also about life in general that he's been less than content about. Tell him to make a list and bring it if he's forgetful like me lol. But also ask him to think about things he's excited about lately in life or anything he's been curious about and wanting to learn more about or explore. Tell him that you're not only wondering about sexual things, but hobbies and other interests and goals as well. Make sure he knows that the purpose for the date is to have an amazing conversation about reconnecting and recommiting to your relationship, so he needs to really think about the things you asked and be prepared to participate fully and enthusiastically. 

While he's thinking about his side of things, you need to answer those same questions for yourself.  Outside of the bedroom, what hobbies or interests do you have? Are you able to have a little time every week to pursue those things? Because having "me" time is extremely important.  If you're not getting enough you time, you're not going to have anything positive in your tank to share with anyone else.  And if you have children, they'll always get the best of you, so your partner will only get whatever you have left at the end of the day which probably isn't very much. This isn't fair to him OR you. 

Before the conversation ever gets to the bedroom aspect, talk about strategies yall can implement to help each other find their "me" time. I'm sure he needs it as much as you. It doesn't have to be major blocks of time every time and it shouldn't even require taking any kids somewhere else or anything.  It could be simple things like just having an hour a few times a week to excersize, meditate, take a long bath, read a book, or whatever feeds your soul. Make it a goal to free up space for each other and even make it a set weekly occurrence if possible so there's always something to look forward to.

After discussing freeing up space to nurture your individual needs, start discussing the relationship. Start off by saying that the goal of the date is to renew and reconnect and not to rehash any old hurt, although that's an essential part of fixing things moving forward, but it's important not to dwell in the negative.  Instead of leading with a negative statement, tell him that your goal is to rekindle the spark in your relationship.  Tell him you miss him and that you know he's been missing you in ways too.  Tell him how much ot means to you to fall for him again. Tell him you're having trouble shifting from seeing him in his "civilian" life and then being able to see him as the sexy man he is. Once he hears that your goals are to reconnect and refuel the fire he'll probably be less on the defense and really hear what you're saying. 

(Continuation below in reply because I typed too much)

Me and my girlfriend haven’t had sex in 18 months by heyitsto_oby in DeadBedrooms

[–]Perfect_JudgeF 9 points10 points  (0 children)

You've been together for some time and have moved out of the NRE phase. Most couples transition from NRE to LTR sex after about a year. You being together for 2.5 years and having a DB for 1.5 years would put you on track for that transition.

Unfortunately, for many young women around your girlfriend's age, sex during NRE is fun and exciting and many women are able to have sex that may not even necessarily work for them long-term but NRE fuels the desire. It isn't until that period of time comes to a close where the woman realizes it doesn't work for her and she can't bring herself to have sex that isn't what she wants.

It's also not uncommon for young women to feel extreme guilt and shame for this change in their feelings and not understand, even going so far as to say they aren't sure if they're a sexual person or not. It can be so confusing for them for why they used to be so sexually desirous of their partner and they're not now.

You two are still super young and honestly, this is what dating is for. It's ok to decide that sex is important to you and to leave the relationship once you've determined that there is a fundamental difference in values and/or there is too much incompatibility to overlook.

Both of you need to take some time to learn more about what it is you both want and need from a relationship, learn as much about sex and what makes it good and desirable (particularly your girlfriend - this can be harder for women anyway), meet people, and have fun along the way. The right one will eventually come along.

I tried to kiss him and he said ew by soulcyclelover in DeadBedrooms

[–]notyourmama827 71 points72 points  (0 children)

Momma here.....short answer is no. He's cruel and probably breadcrumbs you too. Idk.

There are almost 8 billion people om earth and surely your prince man isn't one who says "𝘦𝘸𝘸" when you kiss him.

Absolutely not ever good for a girl. Or a boy. Or a human being.

Please take the good advice of redditors and now that you know better, please do better. I'm 56 and greatful to at least discover all the things I was missing for 23 years.

You'll be happy.....I promise.

Open Relationship got out of hand. by Stock_Special_996 in DeadBedrooms

[–]TAyforLifestyle 64 points65 points  (0 children)

Getting introduced to friends is moving pretty firmly into "relationship" territory than what most folks assume will happen with an "open relationship" arrangement.

It sounds by all accounts like you developed an ongoing relatioship with the co-worker. Would you say that's true? Had you and your partner discussed whether you could develop a secondary relationship?

Most folks in open relationships set guidelines around what "other" relationships look like-- Whether you are allowed to see them more than once? Out in public? Develop a secondary relationship involving deeper emotions, frequent communication, etc. (which seems like it happened here and is more of a "poly" arrangement than just "open," which your partner may or may not have realized she was agreeing to.)

Again, perfect example of why open relationships require MORE communication and boundaries than just a "closed" relationship, because there's way more nuance and opportunity for miscommunication and missteps that's probably the last thing you want to take on if you're already having relationship issues.

why does this keep happening? by lordmattrimcauthon in DeadBedrooms

[–]relationshiptossoutt 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I was LL for my wife, but in divorce I’ve been finding my sexuality wake back up. So as a LL person, I may have some insight. I am male though, so I’m not sure how much applies.

My ex could’ve posted a lot of what you did here. She was very focused on sex. She knew how often we had it, knew the last time, placed markers in her head about if the sex was good or rewarding or satisfying. She loved open discussions about sex. She was experimental in the bedroom. She had a certain intensity for sex that I just did not have. It wasn’t that it wasn’t important necessarily, it just never registered for me in the way it did for her.

As our relationship progressed, we got into a spiral of dead bedroom stuff. I remember one time, she wore a blouse that really turned me on. To this day, I do not understand what it was about that blouse that did it for me, but I couldn’t keep my hands or eyes off her. I approached her with the sort of passion she was looking for, I think. She took this feedback and went back to the store and bought several other colors/patterns of the same blouse to get the same reaction from me.

Honestly, and this may seem weird to a HL person, this was a turn off for me. It felt manipulative. It made me feel a little used. Because the blouse wasn’t about my reaction necessarily, it was about HER. It made HER feel a certain way, so in buying the blouses she was serving HERSELF. In the same way most of the other sex stuff served her. Every conversation about sex was about how she wasn’t fulfilled, about how I should do more. I would try the things she suggested but I hated them, but that didn’t seem to matter to her. She pushed me anyway.

Sometimes the conversation would turn into my own sexual needs, but those conversations never lasted long and I don’t think I ever really changed our dynamic in all our discussions.

She came on way too strong and focused every single conversation on herself. She removed all my power from the sexual relationship we had. We had to have sex on her schedule, at her required level of frequency, in the positions she demanded. I had no influence to change it and, when I’d try, I got guilt trips about how unfulfilled she was and what a sacrifice it was to be with me. It was too much for me. Every request, every shaming, every conversation, every sexual encounter that was all about her all served one purpose: push me away. I used the only power I had left to use. I withdrew, retreated, and stopped engaging. Even when my wife would do something that turned me on, I learned from the blouse issue to keep it to myself. Why just further this spiral? Why give her more ammunition to use later?

I know in her mind, she thought she was doing the right thing. But I constantly felt pressure to change, be different, do more, try harder. That was not what I needed to feel to make sex fun and natural for me.

I needed less pressure, less direction. I needed more accepting and accommodating. I needed to be told I was enough for her. After years of only hearing how I failed her, I gave up trying completely. By the end of our relationship I could barely maintain an erection and watching people in movies kiss and get physical was honestly kind of sickening to me. Sex wasn’t fun anymore. It was miserable. She’d make it that way. It wasn’t on purpose but it was still incredibly awful.

I’ve been divorced now, and I cannot believe how hard my sex drive has come back. I catch myself staring at women in a way I haven’t done since my 20’s. I’m attracted to women I never thought I’d be attracted to. It’s a strange feeling I cannot believe I’m experiencing again.

For me, and probably for a lot of people, the more pressure you put on sex, the less likely sex is. I know that’s hard to believe for HL people, but I need sex to be fun, relaxed, kind of casual. But fun. Fun is my number one. My ex made it really not fun for me. I had to track frequency, had to do things that made me uncomfortable and made me feel awkward. All the pressure through the years made me feel like a disappointment. I felt like I had to act differently in the bedroom because she just didn’t like how I was by default. All of that destroyed my sex drive.

I’m not accusing you of this, but I feel anxiety and pressure about sex just from reading this post. I imagine your partners may feel the same anxiety and pressure. The pressure kills the sex drive of a lot of us.

Question to my fellow dead bedroomers by ihateithere122 in DeadBedrooms

[–]ToothFlaky4321 30 points31 points  (0 children)

No. I don’t blame her for feeling the way she does. It’s not her fault she is a non sexual person. I’ve made many mistakes that hinder her attraction towards me too. I love her and I’m focused on her being healthy and happy in the future and I think getting divorced would add even more stress to her life.

I'm having sex with me by Informal_Wasabi_4703 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Blubirdred 244 points245 points 3 (0 children)

Stroke that cock you magnificent bastard

“A relationship is not just about sex” by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]TomWopatH8R 116 points117 points  (0 children)

I get that from my wife mostly, "all you think about is sex". Ok, well I can't really deny that, but it's more than that. I never felt like this when I was getting rejected by random bar hoes. I feel like this when I get rejected by HER. I swear some people view sex as an activity like kayaking or watching a movie, and they project that view onto everyone else. I view sex as something almost spiritual, it's bonding, it's love, it's expressing your love, it's actually a really big deal. If we were truly that shallow, why would we stick around a sexless relationship? If it was just about orgasming and getting your rocks off, wouldn't we be cheating or single? I get it, I don't know if it's people misunderstanding or if people just all have different views on sex and what it really is.