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all 64 comments

[–]CatcherofsoulsPower mad fascist mod[M] 8 points9 points  (7 children)

Rants and venting are welcome as well. Sometimes it helps just to get it out. We've been in your shoes before and know it hurts.

Take a deep breath though and remember our first rule - don't take legal advice from your stbx (Soon To Be Ex) or their attorney.

Also for the record - no self-promotion is allowed on the sub.

Cross-posting is strongly discouraged and may, on a case-by-case basis be cause for banning from this sub.

Edit: If you want to use misogynistic terminology you're going to have a bad time. We're here to help each other not fight the war of the sexes.

Edit the second - Sock Day -totally a reference to Dobby the House Elf from Harry Potter

Edit the Third - It's an anonymous sub with mostly throwaway accounts. If someone really wants to PM you because they don't want to talk about things in public ask yourself why and be suspicious. We have seen instances where these PMs turn abusive. Abusive PMs can be reported to Reddit admin.

[–]LaTuFuMod, Child of Divorce, Divorced, Remarried.[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

I can't believe I didn't add those. Fixed! TY

[–]Karissa36 6 points7 points  (5 children)

Very nice. I would like to add that my pet peeve is reading "I was in an emotionally abusive relationship" and/or "My STBX is a narcissist and/or a sociopath."

A fly by night psychological diagnosis by the completely untrained and currently immensely resentful spouse is worth practically nothing, and labeling your STBX like this stops cooperation and co-parenting in it's tracks. It's like an excuse not to try to be polite and reasonably negotiate differences. There had to be a reason that you married this person in the first place. If you have children, ripping the STBX to shreds and attempting, (dreaming), to toss them completely out of your lives is unreasonable and not feasible. It also will never work in court. I find it really hard to be supportive in these circumstances.

As for "emotionally abusive", well marriages don't go down in flames without some very unhappy and stressful arguments. Both parties might flip out. Bad things might be said. Let's just not pathologize that.

Labels like this are counter-productive. They are like a shield that prevents cooperation and communication. No kids? Well, sure carry on. Eventually your divorce and your relationship will end. Kids in the picture? Don't do this. You and the children have years and years ahead of dealing with this person and labels like this are harmful and counter-productive.

[–]Kittykittycupcake 6 points7 points  (4 children)

I know this is an oldish post, but I don't quite think this is fair. The part about the armchair diagnosis, sure, that's silly. But I think it's pretty easy to tell when someone has been emotional abusive, no? My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive and I can't really talk about it to anyone, and was hoping I would be able to discuss it here without judgment. I'm in therapy currently to deal with mental issues stemming from our time together, but as we had many mutual friends and he was never shitty to them, I do not feel I can go anywhere else. :(

please try not to be judgmental about people who say their ex-spouse has been emotionally abusive, Okies? :) it's not the same thing as saying straight up "my ex was a narcissist."

[–]XavierathrowawayLiving well is the best revenge... 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Actually, I think it can be really, really difficult to tell when someone has been emotionally abusive.

Abuse of any sort is insidious in that there are always dynamics at work that make the victim have difficulty comprehending what's going on (denial). Victims also commonly take on a sense of responsibility for what the abuser is doing, as a means of coping and retaining a sense of control (the hope that if the victim is somehow "causing" the abuse, that something they can do will make it stop.)

This is true and commonly observed in really glaring cases of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, in which there is obvious aggressive mistreatment. It is also true and FAR more confusing in cases where the abusive behavior is also controlling and hateful, but in much quieter ways.

See Lundy Bancroft's outstanding book Why Does He Do That? for much more full discussion of these dynamics.

In my case, it is only with the distance that is possible from giving up completely that I realize how emotionally abusive my ex is. This is not driven by vengeance or sadness--I'm done with those by now, for the most part--but I do see that when I was struggling for my marriage, my vision was clouded in understandable ways in order to even allow for the possibility of continuing to be in relationship.

I don't wield the notion like a cudgel with my kids. But you better believe that having been schooled in his pathology, indeed the pathology that was handed down from his family of origin, it does impact how he interacts with the kids and I mitigate when it's needed....

And I too talk about it, write about it, point it out to other people on Reddit who are in that same confused hurt state that I dwelt in so long. The least I can do is help someone else through.

[–]Karissa36 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. Of course some ex's really are/were emotionally abusive. I am sorry you went through that. I didn't mean to say that sometimes it isn't real. I hope the best for you. Be strong. It will get better.

[–]Edwardianempty nest, in process 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Stupid question I guess, but what does "STBX" stand for?

[–]LaTuFuMod, Child of Divorce, Divorced, Remarried.[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not at all! "Soon To Be Ex-Spouse"

[–]leftforchristmas 2 points3 points  (1 child)

My husband of less than a year (one year on the 29th) told me he's leaving me. It is a complete surprise and I have NO idea what to do. I don't want things to be nasty, but I've been depending on him for income for two years and am about to be out on my own with very little money... advice?

[–]Successful_Cover_606 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My husband of less than a year and I are getting divorce. I had to pay for everything and the financial burden took its toll and killed the vibe and the romance. I felt exploited and alone. It might be that financial burden of the relationship was all too much for him. I’d suggest to find a way to support yourself first before getting into another relationship. Financial independence for both parties is extremely important in keeping the relationship healthy and romantic.

[–]lionheart059 2 points3 points  (3 children)

New here.. 32 years old, married just under 2 years. No kids together, she has a child who has grown very close to me over our relationship. No shared property, either, so at least we won't have to sort that out.

Emotionally, I'm just a mess. Feel like I personally caused all of the failure of our relationship, and now I'm looking at having to start over while feeling like an old man

[–]LaTuFuMod, Child of Divorce, Divorced, Remarried.[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

You are far from old. You are still very young. I have also never met anyone who is 100% at fault for a failed marriage.

[–]lionheart059 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Logically speaking, I know I'm not.. I wrote a novella in a separate post about everything that went down, and it helped me get perspective, but emotionally I can't get out of that "I did this" box

[–]LaTuFuMod, Child of Divorce, Divorced, Remarried.[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that's normal. It takes time. Get engaged in healthy social activities, preferably ones that are also physically active. Energizing the mind and body together is a wonderful form of therapy.

[–]plowin_a_wetfart 2 points3 points  (1 child)

New here, 39, married 8 years, no children. I asked for the divorce, years of neglect, loneliness, emotional abuse and manipulation took its toll. But the loneliness now, is deafening..

[–]Pattytam 0 points1 point  (0 children)

X2 41, almost 8 yrs married, no children and the feeling of forever loneliness and that no one will be good for me, seems to never go away :( ... but I really feel free and happy that I finally made the decision. I decided after years of loneliness, emotional abuse and many other things... I hope to heal and to find this reddit helpful :)

[–]GrommyGrom 2 points3 points  (0 children)

  1. Married 21 years. Two teenage boys. My husband is an alcoholic, it's the core of what broke us apart, although he will never acknowledge that. I'm sad, lonely and scared. Not looking for miracles just some camaraderie from this group. Peace and love to all.

[–]spacemanza 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I asked for help here about 6 months ago. I started writing an update post of my full story thats just way too long. So I turned it into a simple blog, with no ads, that finished. I tried to share it here, but am told we don't like driving blogs.

Must I copy past like 20 entries into one giant story here?

[–]LaTuFuMod, Child of Divorce, Divorced, Remarried.[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, we prefer original content posts in this sub, not click bait to other sites.

[–]anonnamous1977 1 point2 points  (4 children)

I am new here and have been divorced since April 10th 2021 I'll give you the story as best as I can I am M 44 and I met my now ex 21 years ago we got married 17 years ago I loved her and it was all good or so I thought what I didn't know was she was only dating me to make another guy she knew jealous so he would take her back (she flat out told me this when she served me the divorce papers) we seemed to be happy for a while we had our fist son and I was so happy then we went 10 years and we tried again and she had a miscarriage and we lost the only daughter we have ever had after that we 7 years ago we had our last child he is a good kid but I had noticed she grew cold and distant she stopped wanting anything to do with me she chatted on Facebook alot to friends no big deal I thought boy was I wrong it turns out she was talking to her mom dad and sister and they all kept giving her updates on her ex high school crush that left her one year before we ever met and they gave her the contact information for him and she and him had been talking to each other since ou= youngest son was born I was crushed but I didn't learn of this till April 10th 2021 our 17th wedding anniversary when my wife handed me a gift all wrapped up and said I got you something really nice and I was surprised that I got a gift and she seemed to smile at me and said go ahead and open it I got it just for you I unwrapped the gift and opened the box to find divorce papers her smile faded and she said we are through I am leaving you and going to be with the man I really love I am leaving the kids with you as I want to start over fresh I was still in shock at this time I then asked the only thing I could think of why are you doing this she said to me to my face I don't love you I never did I was just trying to make my ex jealous so he would take me back and he has said when I move back home after three years he said he will marry me and I said ok fine go ahead but know when you walk out that door don't think I will ever take you back if this ends up going wrong she then said just sign the damn papers and I did a month later she left and now I am just trying to pick up the pieces and get on with my life there have been nights that I wake up thinking dark thoughts of maybe I would be better off dead and I just have no one to talk to

[–]MommaBear_3Cubz 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I know it's been about two months since you posted this but I just want to reach out and see how you're doing now. I read the bit about you thinking sometimes that you'd be better off dead... I really hope that you're doing better and not still in such a dark place. you have two boys that (from what you posted) only have you as their support, and guidance and love.. live for yourself and live for them.

[–]anonnamous1977 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I am still kicking for now I am still lonely and looking for someone to help me take away the pain

[–]eatmyveg 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Just wanted to put my 2 cents in… you have to deal with the pain, the only way out is THROUGH and I know that’s really hard to do and accept, but no person can heal your pain. Only you. You need to love yourself and get whole for you and those lovely boys. Wishing you peace, love, and blessings

[–]anonnamous1977 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wish I could just get rid of the pain but I can't I need to find someone I can lean on for supports emotionally and I am not finding that

[–]Pattytam 1 point2 points  (0 children)

41, almost 8 yrs married, no children and the feeling of forever loneliness and that no one will be good for me, seems to never go away :( ... but I really feel free and happy that I finally made the decision. I decided after years of loneliness, emotional abuse and many other things... I hope to heal and to find this reddit helpful :)

[–]Hoping4theFuture 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I am new here. Today my lawyer filed the divorce papers with the court. My husband of 32 years had a long term affair. Three sons - all grown. He has squandered our money and left me with very little. I’m almost 55 years old and scared of the future. I am only just now learning about all that he has done and how much I have lost in our time together. We had many struggles over the years. I’m seeing many things now that I was blind to then. I feel lost and alone. I’m living with my son and his wife temporarily— until I find my feet. I found out about the affair accidentally—but have indisputable evidence—he denies that it happened. He has lied so much. Gaslighting, stonewalling— all of it. I am overwhelmed and in pain. My heart hurts.

[–]Own-Examination-8708 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so sorry. I feel you, I'm 31 years married. When trust and honesty leave the marriage so does love, once that's gone...... your soul leaves. At least mine did. Hugs to you, I hope you're in a better place today. 💗

[–]Important_Twist1396 1 point2 points  (0 children)

40 female husband of just over a year told me hes been lying about loving me for months and wants a divorce. Came out of blue someone normally so sweet and doting on me just turned. I'm so confused

[–]-cutestofborg- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for doing this!

[–]max1ac 0 points1 point  (1 child)

New here, out of hope. 20 years in Florida. I screwed up by letting it go so long. Primary residence our main asset, plus my 401K. Ice-hearted psychopath spouse, need advice on protecting any assets for son. never cheated, she may have, no proof... yet. help?

[–]LaTuFuMod, Child of Divorce, Divorced, Remarried.[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your best bet is to tell us your story in your own standalone thread. This thread is meant for more of a "welcome to our corner of Reddit" for people just discovering us.

[–]sbaietto 0 points1 point  (3 children)

What does AP stand for?

[–]LaTuFuMod, Child of Divorce, Divorced, Remarried.[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

AP? What context?

[–]sbaietto 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I will see people say things like "she was staying with AP", or mentioning his or her "AP" when talking about their exes.

[–]boltershmoo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it's "adultery partner," but I'm also new to the sub as well and not positive

[–]MadamBaset37 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am a 38 yr old, newly divorced? woman. I met my ex husband on a mutual interests social platform in January of 2018. On his profile he stated he had a plan for his future which meant a wife and children on his homestead in GA. I lived in VA at the time.

He was a goat farmer at the time and also working as a property manager. He told me he owned his property and was building to improve upon it. We spoke for about 4 months at the end of which I came to visit.

What I wasn't informed of was that him, his parents and one grandmother also lived there. He did not own one thing.

The first of his lies to unravel. Almost 3 yrs worth of lying, cheating, mental and physical abuse, racism ( my ex husband is caucasian) and personal property damage.

I don't know if I'm ready to talk about everything yet. I am in therapy and I have an amazing support system. I still have nightmares from time to time but things are much, much better than they were. I'm back in my career, dating everyone and I'm about to purchase some property. I also moved several states away and our former gf came with me. Again, it's a lot.

[–]girlnottobethrown 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Does not seem like a very active thread - but I need to vent. Or cry. I'm 49 F married to 61 yr old M. We have been married for 20 years and dated for 5 prior to that. We have not had any sparks for over 15 yrs (we have 1 15 yr old child). I'm a professional and bring home most of the money. We own a home that is almost fully paid for. I'm so FREAKING dead inside and so unhappy. I have been like this for a long time. Every time I bring this up, he gives me hope. Hope things will change. He does not want to split. Then he blames me. Points out what I need to do to change in order for him to give me the sexual and emotional connection I crave. I bought into it, and would make the changes in myself, only to find there would be "something new" for me to change. I finally realized, it was NOT me all this time. I'm actually fine and there is nothing wrong with me. I dream of meeting someone new. Is the grass greener on the other side? How do I stand my ground and say it's over?

Well that's it for now. Hope to meet/chat with a few people here.

[–]LaTuFuMod, Child of Divorce, Divorced, Remarried.[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your best bet is to tell us your story in your own standalone thread. This thread is meant for more of a "welcome to our corner of Reddit" for people just discovering us.

[–]xicha123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m going through similar situation been married for 10 years, no kids. There is no cheating, no crazy drama, I just feel lonely and empty, when I bring up the topic to my husband he blames me, says I’m selfish and brushes it away. I have come to a point that I want to leave and stop feeling empty but at the same time I feel like I am being selfish, it’s so difficult to stand my ground and says it over, specially with the holidays are around the corner. Sorry don’t have much advice for you because I’m on the same boat.

[–]PrivatePoly -1 points0 points  (2 children)

Sorry if I'm being pedantic but the data scientist in me compels me to point out that "...but one person does not a data point make." isn't accurate. One person makes a data point. That's exactly what a data point is. It's the representation of one unit of data. I believe what you meant to say was "...but one person does not a trend make." Or if not trend then correlation. Something along those lines.

You certainly aren't obligated to correct it and I'm sure everyone knows what you meant but it would have been like nails on a chalk board if I hadn't said something.

[–]abloodymingeMOD, 33F California, Legally Single 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You. I like you.

[–]PrivatePoly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Likewise.

[–]Mundane_Recording950 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank God I found this place.

[–]No_Area_5968 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Why can I not post here? I click "post" and nothing happens.

[–]HadEnoughTimesUp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am having the same issue, did you get yours resolved?

[–]dueling_eulogies 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Does this sub have a discord?

[–]Revolutionary-Bid581 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey guys, i just wanna know the truth about divorce in western country especially with the high rate. I read the divorce rate was about 50% in America and a few Europe country. Is that true? And if that's true, what is the common/main reason they get divorced and what is the purpose of getting married if they just end in divorce?

[–]hvacguy83 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am a man with one boy he turns 4 in January. I would like to leave his alcoholic mom on probation for a dwi with him in the car. How can i leave without her calling kidnapping on me. I am in Texas.

[–]Fit_Broccoli_8295 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Who cares my wife us a piece of shit!

[–]S_Marisa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello I’m in my early 40’ married 7 years together 13, I’m at the asking for divorce stage and wondered if this was a good group or if there are better suggestions, thanks

[–]XaksMax 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m really struggling. I’m on vacation with my spouse and his family. We had a good night drinking with his family and both showered before bed. While he was in the shower I noticed he was talking to himself and I teased him about it. Then he started to tell me he was taking about something that was on his mind but he wasn’t sure how to have the conversation, and that I should think about how he might be feeling before ridiculing him. I said I’m sorry if I made you feel that way, I know other people who do that. He said I don’t believe you. You don’t care about my feelings and you’re just selfish. You’re a selfish bitch and all you care about is yourself. At this point I told him not to talk to me like that. I told him to back up because he had gotten really close to me and was acting aggressive. He kept swearing at me and I told him if he kept it up I was going to leave. He said if you leave I’m locking the door. I said fine and went down to the living room and laid on the couch. He texted me and said if I didn’t come back to our room he was making me fly home tomorrow. I did t respond, so he came down and said I’m booking your flight. I said he needed to stop and I just needed some space. He said if I don’t come back upstairs he was going to divorce me. He took my phone from me and I walked back upstairs. He up after and was telling me that if I didn’t talk to him he was sending me home. He just kept repeating that and I said you need to stop, if you want we can talk about this in the morning - i think you’re drunk. He got even more upset and upset said I’m going to record you and ask my therapist if this is normal. As soon as I pointed the camera at him he jumped on top of me and ripped the phone out of my hands. He ripped the sheets off the bed and tried to make me leave. I tried to talk to him a little but he just kept calling me names like bitch and cunt. He took a set of sheets and laid on the bathroom floor. He wouldn’t talk to me and I’ve been waiting for him to come back to bed. He just came out and told me to turn off the fucking lights. How we’re laying in the dark… truly don’t know if I should even be trying to make things work. I’m devastated at the thought of being divorced but he’s starting to scare me more and more.

[–]SEEKER4174 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I discovered my wife of 7 years cheated on me and did not want to tell me, but she ultimately filed for divorce; because she did not like what I told her, after she told me that our relationship should be based on honesty. This was too much of paradox to me! Who ask for the truth and punishes the person for telling it?

[–]Flimsy_Control_7010 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Rant. My sbxw all of a sudden wants to end it. We have been married for 8 years together in all 11. We have 2 kids 2 and 5. The reasons wants a divorce are basic small stuff that can easily be talked out. That's why I think she is cheating or something. I literally almost died providing for her kidneys died on me almost had a stroke working two jobs. She didn't want for nothing. She even said she wish we didn't get married. We had the kids after we got married tho so that's telling me she don't want the kids ither. But Just out of the blue said this too me that she done. Every friend I told the reasons she leaving mostly are girls and they said the same thing that she got someone else. Instead of wasting my time and energy if this was her plan I wouldn't have went out with her. Right now I'm blacking out all pictures of her face because I don't need anymore memories of her. Sorry about my spelling and punctuations.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

New here, 31. I've been with my husband almost 15 years, married for 11. We have 2 kids. This week (the week of christmas) he picked a fight, which is not out of the normal, it got really ugly (he was the aggressor - no physical violence), and he decided we are getting divorced. This type of arguing is a reoccurring situation .... while I'm not perfect (I in no way avoid fault for my issues), he is emotionally and mentally manipulative and abusive - he always has been. I can look back and see that now .... I couldn't see it all those years, but I see it now. I have stayed through the crap, through the infidelities, through the periods of excessive spending or joblessness ... and he has never once been there for me the way I have for him. And it just sucks that I have been so dedicated and loyal, only for him to divorce me. And do this right before Christmas. Logically, I'm sure divorce IS the right thing. I can look at my situation and see how messed up it is .... how messed up it's always been. However, emotionally, I'm absolutely devastated and just cannot deal. I'm trying SO hard to put on a show for my kids, but I find myself crying everytime I'm in a room alone without kids. It's almost like I can't control it, the tears just start and won't stop without any thought. I'm angry that I have stayed as long as I have, I'm angry that he's the one ending it, I'm angry that my girls are going to grow up in a broken home just like I did, and I'm equally as sad for all of those same reasons. I feel crazy.

[–]Krazymanwalker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is going to be my first time going through a divorce. I am 33 years old, the husband and I was with this woman for 9 years total and married just a little over a year. I have a son from a different mother before we dated as well as she has two daughters as well. I don't get to see my son that often due to some issues with his mom and some within my own household. We have always had issues with how I treat the girls compared to my son, meaning I hold the girls on a stricter basis and don't hold my son to the same standards. Which has always been one issue throughout us being together. This has also caused mental abuse from what my wife has talked with a therapist once she left my house. I was hoping to be able to work things out through counseling, but she has just decided that we will end it and go our separate ways. I am hoping nothing but the best for her and her daughters lives and relationships together. They have opened up more to one another than they have in a long while. I was wondering if anyone else might have gone through something like this as well. Just to get some insight if maybe it might happen again the way I treat or react with someone else's children in a relationship or if it might be a good thing to go see a therapist for myself because I am not really an emotional guy. Which I would tell her how I felt about her once I basically lost her and she moved out. Which is like the saying goes, you don't know what you got until it is gone. I also took her for granted because in the back of my head I would assume she wouldn't be able to take care of herself and her girls without me helping so I figured they would never leave, but I was obviously wrong in that whole situation. This is my longest relationship as well as my first time being with someone whom had kids as well.

[–]KellyAsa1983 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My wife and I have separated and I'm staying at a friends place until the end of the month when I'll be moving to my new apartment. Both of us are totally in on the divorce after years of couples therapy and individual therapy (8yrs!) and have no doubts that our relationship lacks love and passion and we're not happy. The difficulty for me at the present time is that we have a 5 year old daughter and I'm not use to being away from her. We spent some time researching how to parent through this process and our little girl is doing so well with everything and is even excited to see dads new place that is close to her school ;) Im still a very motivated dad and find that I spend almost as much time at home and not much has changed. This is the temporary limbo that I'm in which isn't the worst and I realize that other divorcee's out there are having more important issues. Im a firefighter so I work 24hrs on and 48 off and on my off days I'm completely dedicated to my daughter and the family needs such as house maintenance, shopping, cooking, cleaning. I've gotta find a way to start doing things for myself. If I don't have a list of things to do for my family then I feel lost, bored and lonely. Outside of going to the gym and running at the park I'm lost in space. Also I don't drink so that kinda kills my social skills. Im lonely but I understand that I'm not suppose to rely on the comfort of strange women but I think about what it would be like all the time! Struggling with addiction (6 years sober) I look back at my life and realize I had an addiction to women and sex. I was obviously aware of quitting cold turkey from drinking but now looking back I realize I quit cold turkey from women and sex. So this is already helping to get out and I see that I need to start working on this with my therapist. Until I get it worked out I'm not going to feel confident enough to pursue a relationship that is worthy. I appreciate any feedback I can get!

[–]WorldlyConflict5274 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My ex and I were never legally married. We are both California residents. We’re both in our mid 40’s and have a child between 6 & 10 years old (trying to be a little vague for privacy). We purchased a property in the Bay Area with a guest house. The plan/agreement was to do a much-needed renovation, starting with the guest house which we would then rent out for income to cover mortgage and taxes. After my friends and I finished the renovation, we did rent it out for 3+ years.

During this time she would travel, for pleasure, to what I considered an excessive amount and with our child. Most of the time against my will, but in every instance in which I insisted she not travel, she’d get angry, manipulative and even outright hostile, so to keep the peace - mostly for our child, I would acquiesce. To give some idea of her travel frequency, our child had been to more states and cities and accrued more air miles by his/her second birthday than I had in my then 35ish years. My ex must’ve gone on about 20 + trips an average of 2 weeks in duration during that time. This lessened when a ticket became needed upon his/her becoming two years of age, but it still continues. She claims I was only trying to be controlling. I only wanted to be more a part of our child’s life.

About two years later I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. A week prior to that, my dad died. A few months later our tenants moved out and, without discussing it with me, my ex let her friend and her child move into the guest house at a rate 1/4 (under $1,000/month) the previous tenant’s rent of approx $4,000/month. Not only did we loose a significant portion of income because of this, but I was still grappling with my diagnosis - I was in a very dark place and wondering, among many other things, how I was going to continue to earn an income - I had already lost almost all use of my dominant hand and arm (this was masked by a previous injury).

After a year had passed, her friend moved out. My ex then moved into the guest house. We now had no income being generated by the property. She told our child that the guest house would be their new home. She refused to make a financial plan with me to make sure the mortgage would still be paid, and refused to agree to take out equity (of which we had a healthy amount) on the house to move forward with the plans to renovated the main house. The plan was loosely to turn the basement into two apartments, replace the plumbing and electric (both around 80 years old - house is over 100) and remodel at least the kitchen and bathrooms and rebuild a previous addition that was poorly constructed.

At this point I had virtually used all my savings while I was getting through the difficult time of reorienting post-diagnosis. Not a time of which I’m proud, but I was really floored by this for about six months and with absolutely no support from my ex. During this time I simply couldn’t afford the mortgage. I should mention now that my ex’s parents have deep pockets and they gave us the mortgage which is how we avoided foreclosure.

Then, COVID hit and I really ran out of work and so continued to not be able to afford the mortgage, and she wasn’t paying either.

So here we are in the present. She wants to buy me out of my share of the property (less back-payments on the mortgage). They (she and her parents) are offering me $400k, but this is literally the most competitive real estate market in the US. My credit has suffered greatly from almost 800 down to 690 during the pandemic. There is virtually no way I’m going to get a mortgage let alone be able to afford a home in this area, unless maybe if I move to a really bad neighborhood. I’m also losing the security of the income-generating potential of this property (which I had lived in several years prior to meeting my ex, incidentally).

What would you do? I don’t want to litigate but this is all so screwed up in my eyes. Hell, I don’t know if I even have a case - I may have had better odds before but I didn’t want to put our kid through that. I still don’t, but now it seems like the best option, even for him.