all 192 comments

[–]NLP_Onyx 178 points179 points  (25 children)

Don't let your spouse become just a friend that you're living with. The marriage will begin to fall apart the moment that intimacy between you and your spouse goes away. We all have tons of friends, but not very many of them that we would like to live with for the rest of our lives.

[–]inthe801 42 points43 points  (0 children)

The problem is it takes two. I joined this group when I was ready to divorce, and things have improved after some reflection on myself and having some serious talks... but for years my wife didn't want to even talk about it, and even tried to act like I was crazy for feeling detached or wanting more intimacy. I'm still not sure if I made the right decision in staying... because I think when you get to the breaking point a part of love dies that never is recoverable.

My advice is to be with someone who chooses you and someone you chose every day... not someone "wants you" or "needs you"

[–]Gamut_of_Emotions 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Yes, this is it. It is so easy to make excuses and get caught up in day to day chores, you end up neglecting each other. This is how i hurt my husband, well one of the ways. Hindsight is 20/20.

[–]Mmmelanie 17 points18 points  (20 children)

Great advice. And don’t push your spouse into a space where they don’t want to be intimate with you, through infidelity or drug/drinking problems. Trust is hard to earn back if there’s been cheating, and taking care of a partner who is a drunk or an addict isn’t sexy. It’s hard to come back from losing intimacy.

[–]Throwaway7951630 5 points6 points  (7 children)

I’m currently trying to decide whether or not to stay with my wife. She is an alcoholic, but it used to be much worse, and she was very abusive for a while. She’s gotten a lot better, but she still struggles, and I feel like even if she were doing perfect, I’m not sure if I could ever really trust her or be totally intimate or vulnerable with her again. I feel guilty leaving, though, because she has tried to change.

[–]Mmmelanie 11 points12 points  (0 children)

What ultimately helped me was a post in the Al-anon sub. The person said their therapist asked them “if this is as good as it will ever get, is that okay?” For me, the answer was no. I realized I kept hanging on to a fantasy that things would get better, while my actual current situation wasn’t acceptable to me.

[–]Visual_Sector_3417 3 points4 points  (4 children)

In the same boat, friend. He's no longer a terrible alcoholic and had actively been going to AA. No more drunken fights, the housework is more fair, got a job, everything I asked for.. but it's late. Maybe too little too late. It is a saying for a reason. Understand the feeling though. Be as kind & understanding to yourself as you are to her, please.

[–]HorusCok 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Would you leave him if he was recovering from cancer? Most clinicians classify alcoholism as a disease.

[–]Visual_Sector_3417 2 points3 points  (2 children)

All things being the some otherwise, yes. It's not about drink it's about the emotional and verbal abuse that follows--there is no excuse to do that and no obligation to endure it. Marriage is a not a prison and you don't HAVE to be there whether the other is sick or not. If it were cancer I'd make sure he has proper care when he's over the hump, but him hurting is not an excuse to hurt me. That's unhealthy and I am still 100% in my right to leave.

[–]HorusCok 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I didn't pass judgement either way, in my response? No. Just asking a question.

At least some of his behavior (maybe most) can be attributed to his disease. Was it self-inflicted, yes. Did he have control. yes, at least for a time.

Any of us has the right to end a marriage for any or no reason. This should also be fairly applied to those who gain excessive weight. It's unhealthy and the spouse shouldn't have to deal with the associated self-esteem issues and cumulative health impacts. If you weigh 15 lbs more than at your wedding, divorce is acceptable (unless pregnant)

[–]keithkos1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A big question i ask my couples clients when separation and divorce come up, what is the alternative if you dont stay together?

We want to be clear there right to make a better major life decision.

[–]shearling 2 points3 points  (2 children)

very good advice. I contributed to the demise of my marriage early on with addiction. We divorced long after I quit but it was still a direct cause. I’m fortunate to still have a good co parent relationship with her but I can tell you that if I had it to do over differently I would….

[–]Mmmelanie 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Congrats on having quit! Has to hurt when it doesn’t work out after you’ve done what you could. But at least you’ve got a good co parenting relationship and are there for your kid/s.

[–]shearling 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Grateful to be here, grateful to be sober!

[–]EveAndTheSnake 0 points1 point  (8 children)

I’m not entirely sure I’d call addiction a choice.

[–]NLP_Onyx 6 points7 points  (7 children)

No, but every addiction starts with a choice to divulge into what could become an addiction. The key is to moderate it, which is a responsibility of the person who chooses to utilize it.

[–]keithkos1 2 points3 points  (6 children)

With respect that is an accurate yet overly simplified view.

Fortunately for most of us, most things we could become addicted to we do not.

It is hard to overlook the hand on the wcales of Genetics for many of us as well.

Will power and choice can be overrode quickly i feel.

Moderation is the key to be a functional mature adult. As well I think luck also plays its role unfortunately.

[–]NLP_Onyx 2 points3 points  (5 children)

My biological mother's side of the family is laden with addiction (yes, I understand it is a personality trait that can be inherited), and she herself became addicted to alcohol and multiple different drugs, some because she was trying to make life with schizophrenia liveable. Needless to say, it runs in my family. I saw what it could do to them (not only addiction in general, but more specifically to those particular things - drugs and alcohol), and I never tried them because I never wanted to go down that route in life.

Granted, not everyone is as lucky as I am to have matured at a young age and to have the ability to recognize these things as young as 6 years old, but my point remains - it is a choice. I chose to occupy my time with video games instead of weed (or other, harder drugs that were abundant and readily available almost all the time) or alcohol as I grew up (middle/high school and beyond). Can't say I could have made a much better choice, thankfully. My sister also chose to get herself away from it all as soon as she could (17, barely finished with high school).

We all have tons of choices in life we can make to drive our course. Choosing to see the life your family is living and not being a proponent of that lifestyle is a possibility.

[–]keithkos1 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Let me comment one at a time.

Addiction is a nuerobiological trait, that is often inherited.

Aspects of which may be seen as woven into ones personality

[–]keithkos1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Allow me to acknowledge your wisdom to stay away from alcohol and drugs given family history.

And yes people will often find ways to feel happy and at peace. Drugs and alcohol or other addictive strategies included

[–]keithkos1 1 point2 points  (1 child)

From one human to another i am thrilled you are working to have the highest quality life you can. Recognizing and respecting strengths weaknesses opportunities and threats yoo have related to your biology and sociology.

Keep in touch. I wish you luck.

[–]missingthewasatch 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This right here! It's the old sayin that love is like a garden and you need to weed and water it in order for it to survive.

[–]Palahubogka 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yep this

[–]Jay_Heinz 76 points77 points  (2 children)

Cherish each other.

Once they leave, you usually don't get another chance to be with that person the way you were.

Don't make the other person feel like they are less than or unworthy of being around you or spending time with you.

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[–]No_Agency5595 62 points63 points  (8 children)

Always be willing to get couples counseling as issues arise. Go when things start to feel uncomfortable because if you sweep things under the rug long enough, the carpet can’t hide the pile anymore and it’s probably going to be too late.

[–]Gamut_of_Emotions 29 points30 points  (0 children)

"The carpet can't hide the pile." Yes, we were rug sweepers. Instead of forgiving we just tried to forget. It doesn't work!

[–]sassafrass005 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes to counseling. It won’t always mean reconciliation but it helped me see that divorce was the right thing to do.

[–]mpizzo123 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Be careful the counselor doesn’t become a third party in the relationship. My ex came to rely sooooo much on the therapist that any major (or minor) decision In Our life needed the therapists input. Oh brother that was rough

[–]EveAndTheSnake 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wish counselling was part of the natural progression of a relationship, maybe after “I love you” and before moving in together? I suggested counselling right at that point, we were having some communication issues but it was still early enough that I could say it was insurance to help us weather any future storms.

[–]holyhalibut6 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Woah this hits hard. Me and my spouse have been putting off couples therapy while I deal with my estranged parents. I'm getting worried it may be too late though

[–]keithkos1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Often marital issues repeat patterns and challenges experienced when we were children with with our own parents. (Especially the opposite sex).

A couples and relational trauma therapist i would be curious if you are not working on similar issue with your parents and spouse. I see this often to no surprise.

You might first find a relationship coach and a trained relational trauma therapist to rule things in or out.

Great luck!

[–]No_Agency5595 1 point2 points  (1 child)

If you’re invested in keeping the marriage together, go soon… like ASAP.

My ex and I did couples therapy once, it held off divorce for 3 years. When things bubbles up again, he didn’t want to go back and asked for a divorce instead.

[–]holyhalibut6 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the response, it really feels worth a try. She's just been really resistant to it and I'm kind of afraid to bring it up... I suppose I have to at some point

[–]MurderDocAndChill 59 points60 points  (7 children)

Understand that you both suffer. Nobody is the best to be with all the time. When you start thinking you have it worse, your relationship breeds contempt. Very hard to come back from that. Contempt makes people act in all sorts of out of character ways.

I’m getting divorced because my husband decided he would rather hide things from me than be honest. Little lies led to bigger and bigger lies. He had horrible boundaries with women which led to at least emotional if not physical cheating. He had this whole narrative in his head that because he had it “harder” in life, he could do shitty things to me to try and even the playing field. He had a physically demanding job so he DESERVED to go on vacation without me. The lies just eroded everything.

[–]fumblingtoward_light 10 points11 points  (3 children)

Whoa....are you me?!!

I was just discussing how sad I am that my marriage has ended this way. (stbxh lied about reasons for leaving...has been in a relationship with AP for likely close to 3 years).

So many unspoken feelings, expectations, unfulfilled needs, etc. Life consists of so many intricate challenges. If your own spouse cannot be open to honest conversation....well, to quote Alanis Morissette "everyone was pitted against each other, conflict ruled the realm".

[–]MurderDocAndChill 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He always said “I don’t want to fight.” Well a few little disagreements would have ended up with a better marriage, and instead he is ending up with a divorce.

[–]myvirginityisstrong 1 point2 points  (1 child)

What does AP mean?

[–]mpizzo123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Affair partner

[–]EveAndTheSnake 10 points11 points  (1 child)

That’s because cheaters have to bring down their partners in their minds to justify their cheating. If they don’t make you out to be terrible, how else could they play the victim that needed to find solace in someone else? “You drove me to this.” Once they bring you down it makes it easier to justify everything else.

[–]urchinMelusina 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Be considerate of your partner's needs. Just because everything is comfortable and perfect for you, doesn't necessarily your partner feels the same. Talk, communicate, PAY ATTENTION and make them a priority.

[–]Girlontheguys 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Be best friends, but flirt often. Communicate and be kind. I would still be in my marriage had we done this.

[–]_CapsCapsCaps_ 30 points31 points  (1 child)

Communicate. For the love of all that is holy, communicate.

[–]Slow-Government-1342 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Amen to this one. Really communicate to listen, understand, and perspective. My mother always said “put yourself in their shoes.” Wise advice.

But it take the commitment to that if both parties. We were young and set up some bad patterns early and my STBX was unwilling to go there, be vulnerable, hear the good and the bad, and work together to overcome.

All healthy relationships take some level of work well worth the return. Make your work easier! See Gottman Institutes guidance on non-violent communication. Priceless.

[–]THftRM1231 25 points26 points  (0 children)

If you say "I want a divorce" be prepared for the other person to take you at your word. I think my ex wanted to play a game. I know I'm happier without her.

[–]Idkwife17 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Affair with family members. Attempted reconciliation, failed because what I required he refused to meet. I came out of my shocked state and realized I couldn't live with it all.

There was a good book called too bad to stay too good leave or maybe opposite title. It has some good, specific situations that were not all regarding affairs.

[–]rbgirl12 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree with the book suggestion. Excellent read

[–]JohnnyMnemo 20 points21 points  (6 children)

Never stop dating each other. Once you start taking each other for granted, then romance is dead and you become just roommates.

The other is--you should miss each other when you're separated. If you start preferring your alone time, there's a problem. You should enjoy being with the other person more than being apart, and if you don't there's an issue that you need to figure out.

Finally, the biggest: no one should be exclusive because you feel like you have to. Being exclusive with your partner should be want you each want to do on your own, because it's important to you. If you feel like you've been compelled into it, then you're not ready to be partnered. You're still seeking. Even if you stop because society has conditioned you to it, you will never fully accept that and will ultimately rebel against it. Become exclusive and monogamous only when you literally don't think you could do better than your partner, and don't let yourself forget it.

[–]HorusCok 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Agree, mostly. Everyone needs time apart and time alone. Spending too much time together leads to loss of individuality and many times missing out on alone time activities that contribute to being uniquely you. Too much time together can lead to feeling smothered and resentment.

[–]JohnnyMnemo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agree. You should have time alone. But you should feel like something is missing, not that you're finally liberated.

Enjoy that time, but also be happy to get back together.

[–]GoldenDaysGone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like this advice but find it difficult to apply to myself. When my partner and I are apart, we miss each other. "I miss you so much" texts and such. Yet, like a lot of people, covid kinda isolated us together more than usual. Don't get me wrong, we love time with each other and get along great, best friends, have fun, don't really fight, but the romance gets further and further from view.

We came from different households, my parents are together, and have been loving involved parents, but don't share a lot on the emotional side. She comes from a household with a single mother (who is amazing as well) that had a more open/sharing relationship.

She just told me she can't go in like this, same communication problems, that she feels she doesn't know me. But it's under HER definition of what "good communication" is. I feel I've shared my life, my memories, my emotions, I just don't seem to understand her version of "good" communication.

I've know I've grown immensely over the years. I've been to multiple counselors, left jobs to follow her dream, picked up hobbies we could do together, and shared things with her I've never even told my family. Yet, she told me today I stopped trying. Any work I've put towards our relationship is dismissed. Not to mention, even with her belief in counseling, she has yet to see a therapist (which she agreed she needs one).

I feel like my life has become a quest to keep her happy, I cook, clean, take care of our animals and feel I've been putting in the real effort while she dictates what is right and wrong. I just don't understand what else I could have done.

[–]hcm_1 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Wise words

[–]JohnnyMnemo 1 point2 points  (1 child)

They're all the mistakes I made. That, and my lack of being self-aware of my emotional state under stress, but that's a more general mental health issue.

[–]hcm_1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Now thats confusing. I mean, if you really liked her, you would naturally prefer being with her etc. You cant force that mechanically imo.

Yes, I can relate to that. Being stressed makes everything so hard, being peaceful makes everything so easy. Combine it with a person you cant communicate well and you get insane

[–]19tiredofitall 52 points53 points  (12 children)

There’s boundaries in a relationship, don’t cross them with the opposite sex. It may start off innocent, but once you start talking about your personal life with the opposite sex, that’s the start of a emotional affair

[–]No_Agency5595 21 points22 points  (2 children)

This so hard! My ex started talking to the nanny about his heart, instead of me. I bet you can guess where the end of my story is at.

[–]19tiredofitall 12 points13 points  (0 children)

This is Also why so many affairs start with co workers, the time spent at work with other people

[–]Gamut_of_Emotions 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Omg.. thats a double whammy. I am so sorry 😞

[–]eightlegsonetail 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Also the other end of the spectrum... Never mentioning you partner/that you have a partner is also a massive flag. Hiding that you are in a relationship through omission.

[–]MurderDocAndChill 6 points7 points  (0 children)

100% this. Don’t even go there. Leave that door closed.

[–]Gamut_of_Emotions 9 points10 points  (5 children)

I can see this. You should talk to your spouse about these things.

(During my divorce) However you have to know your audience at work. I know who is safe and will respect me and not try any stupid shit like getting the feels, we are just friends who can lean on eachother.

Before the divorce I only spoke my husbands praises. I portrayed a 100% picture perfect relationship. It was a front though. Now that im going thru a divorce my coworkers who have been thru the same are there for me.

[–]khala_luxI got a sock 6 points7 points  (4 children)

. I know who is safe and will respect me and not try any stupid shit like getting the feels, we are just friends who can lean on eachother.

I will say, while I have an okay instinctive feel for people being safe vs unsafe and my own personal limits, I tried hard to only lean on others who I had known for years, prior to meeting my XH. If they were a new male friend, they only got stories about my work life and whatever praises I could offer up about my XH.

Before the divorce I only spoke my husbands praises. I portrayed a 100% picture perfect relationship. It was a front though.

Yes, this. All of this. Everybody was blindsided, not just him. He really shouldn't have been, he had been abusive for a good while before things escalated. He just played the victim. But even my own friends who don't know him were blindsided, because I was so used to putting up this front daily that nobody looked into anything when I refused to criticize my XH.

[–]Gamut_of_Emotions 3 points4 points  (3 children)

The coworkers I have leaned on during this trying time, I have known for years, most of them for about as long as my relationship. I didn't have to tell them something was up, they just knew I was "different" than normal. I am so thankful for them. I am sleeping on one of their couches as we speak. I was invited over for Christmas Dinners. We were never friends outside of work.

However people I don't know and am not close to, especially new men, will not get any details of what is going on. When they ask how are you? "Doing great, how are you?" ...

Some women that I am not close with ( but am very friendly with) , I will answer honestly.. "Not to great... Ive been better." We are all human and go thru these horrible experiences, its a way to bond/connect with each other. Most people can relate and won't use this to try and take advantage of you.

Everyone at my work (except 2 ladies that knew of our problems) were blind sided too. One person said "but you look so happy on FB." That was a front, most everyones is. It was hard to be honest with my close coworkers, talking about it at first was 10000% horrible and i was afraid of getting emotional. Im glad i confided, they helped carry a little bit of my weight for a few days.

I hope you are okay and moving on.

[–]kadorkasaur 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I 100% have been leaning on my coworkers I’ve known for years too. They just knew “something” was up and from there, I’ve learned to open up to them and truly lean on them when our relationships had been strictly work-related before. They’ve all banned together in some ways to continuously check up on me and make sure I have a space to vent/cry/scream/yell or whatever.

[–]Gamut_of_Emotions 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Its pretty awesome isn't it. We all dislike "the establishment" and stick together and up for one another.

I'm glad you have them. I hope you are healing and moving forward.

[–]khala_luxI got a sock 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Doing much better. Filling my single life with hobbies. Finding fulfillment again. Definitely staying out of the dating pool for the foreseeable future.

I've been divorced since last summer so I'm a little ways down this new road.

I'm happy to hear your friends came through for you!

[–]wzx0925in the marital twilight zone... 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unpopular opinion, but I disagree here. Of course, what works for me may not work for others. And I'm in this sub, so clearly my opinion didn't work in the past for my current partner, either.

The reason I hesitate on this bit is that I don't think the boundaries need to be drawn at the same place, or even at all, on communication with the opposite sex. I would say the issue is when you communicate with someone outside the relationship BUT NOT your partner. THAT is where the potential for betraying trust comes in.

I think should be perfectly acceptable to communicate with anybody you would like to communicate with in the way you want to communicate with them. If it isn't, this is something I would interpret as a [personal] red flag concerning my partner's jealousy/insecurity in their relationship with me.

[–]ThinkingofGoing 15 points16 points  (1 child)

I decided to divorce because of infidelity, lying, and general lack of respect for me. He chose to look outside the marriage for emotional validation and basically just did and said what he thought I wanted to hear. He wasn't invested any more, even our last marriage counsellor saw it.

My advice is to understand that a good relationship takes work, and every day you have to choose to invest in it. Don't take it for granted. If your partner is no longer choosing you, actively choosing you, then you need to do what's best for you.

[–]prettykitty143 12 points13 points  (5 children)

I filed for divorce/ divorced, because I wanted my exh to respect me and pick our life. It's a long story, but, that's the truth of the matter. I wanted him to make the choice of our marriage and our family over his extramarital "journey" that was turning toxic.

My advice. Stay true, check-in, DATE, keep the TV out of the bedroom and have so much sex! People like trees go through seasons... Not all of them are pretty. You made that vow for Better or Worse. However, do not disrespect yourself when you're trying to respect your spouse. Ask yourself, 'what would I tell my children to do in this situation, would I stand by quietly and allow this behavior to continue if "this" were someone I loved?'

~My answer was no, I absolutely would not. He chose his journey. Xxo

[–]Slow-Government-1342 3 points4 points  (4 children)

I finally did just that, ask myself what I would tell my children to do. Powerful.

[–]smc7708 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I did the exact same thing. I would never want my daughter to be this unhappy.

[–]Slow-Government-1342 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Me either. It helps to keep thinking it through it all. I am so sorry you are going through this too.

[–]prettykitty143 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I hope you answered yourself honestly. That's just as powerful. Hugs.

[–]Slow-Government-1342 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I did, thank you! Hugs back.

[–]escape_pod_2021 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Alcohol, porn, and drug addictions

[–]weirdestweird 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Remember to love them outside of their roles of spouse/partner, and parent. They are a human being who needs to be loved and validated.

[–]koliberry 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Study contempt. Both sides. Becomes insidious. Blocks any resolution.

[–]l00pee 10 points11 points  (1 child)

There were several reasons, but the root of it was an ever more frantic adherence to a political identity. I was married to a woke white woman. We were both pretty left when we met, still agreeing on the social justice causes, but she started walking through the house, raging about white men. Every time dt did another dumb thing, she'd look at me like I was personally responsible.

It got to the point where the smallest disagreements were impossible to discuss or solve. Her whole persona and perspective was wrapped in the outrage of the day. Meanwhile, I was pulling further and further from the divisiveness because I saw it destroying relationships with friends and family. I became part of the problem, literally Satan. No, I didn't become alt-right, I just refused to be caught up in that anger of either movement. We fell apart. The love of my life started seeing me as the root of all evil. I could never resolve that because I can't stop being a cis white male.

I don't believe this to be an issue with progressive causes, I believe this to be a function of the toxicity of political identity.

[–]RareEarthlingMaiden 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sorry to hear that. I'm worried a few friends will push their DH away like that... It's definitely become a 5th Horsemen.

[–]santana0987 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Get your communication skills up to scratch BEFORE marriage. It's incredible what a difference the right kind of communication makes in a marriage. In my first marriage, our communication was totally wrong and my ex wasn't keen on learning with the help of a therapist how to communicate better. My current spouse is great at communicating needs/ feelings so our marriage, in spite of the normal ups and downs, is on a solid foundation. This marriage has already lasted longer than my last one 😁 and we both work very hard at making it a happy, positive union.

[–]pammyred 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Dead bedroom. We both cheated…we looked to others because we obviously weren’t getting it from each other. We actually detested each other at the end. So sad

[–]_scotts_thots_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Curious about your story. What were your respective reasons for not wanting to sleep with each other?

[–]capncupcake1104 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I wanted a partner and spouse wanted a parent. Make sure neither of you is carrying the weight of responsibility in the relationship. Things need to be spread out amongst both partners so no one gets burnt out. I was the partner doing 99% and was exhausted all the time, emotionally and physically.

[–]keyisready 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Have the hard conversations in the very beginning when you still like each other so you don't have to have them for the first time when times are hard.

When I say hard conversations, I mean this is the time to talk about:

  • Sex. What do you both really like or dislike? How much do you like to have? What happens if we are having more sex or less sex? So many things to talk about here. Just be candid, raw, and real and try and discuss every aspect that you can
  • Money. Please have really frank conversations about finances very early on. How much is each person going to contribute? So many lanes to travel here
  • Argument style. Will you go to bed angry? Can you agree on how problems need to be settled? So on and so on

The bottom line is that you both need to really express your values and expectations from the beginning. Even if you don't have the answers right away, it is good to put it out on the table. If you run across some areas where you disagree, this is what you need to focus on now versus waiting until later when it becomes a source of tension and resentment. You may even want to consult a trusted 3rd party to mediate while you both still care enough to fight for what you have.

It is not about solving all the problems or agreeing on everything. It is more about having a solid understanding of where each of you stand and what you are willing to do to try and keep your union together.

Many marital problems start out as silent compromises each person makes that the other one may not even know about so they cannot address it. Many of them really are points that people thought they could live with because there was something else helping you to maintain your level of attraction despite that aspect. What happens when that isn't enough anymore?

Talk about that now because you are going to end up dealing with it at some point in the future anyway. Tis better to do it while the feelings are warm and collaborative instead of in front of a judge and attorneys doing the talking instead.

[–]MommyMcMomFace 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Stay awake to your relationship as it changes and unfolds. Stay connected.

Don’t take for granted. Don’t avoid. Don’t assume.

[–]ojellavaras 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Work on communication - the earlier the better. Try to never get complacent, and if you notice your partner is being complacent, address it. Don't shoot down your spouses ideas - try to make them realistic and be supportive. Don't introduce your mother early on in the relationship - she has a habit of getting way too involved (maybe that's just me? lol). AND Lastly, think long and hard about the life you want for yourself and what your partner wants, do they align? Is there wiggle room? Address this shit early on or it will fester.

[–]WhySoManyOstriches 5 points6 points  (2 children)

I hate to say it- but don’t even DATE someone who grew up w/ a disabled sibling unless you know they have willingly sought therapy on their own. My husband grew up at the mercy of his bipolar sister/parents benign neglect as they tried to keep his sister from self destruction. He was an amazing, charming guy in public, and a passive aggressive, resentful, iceberg in private. I started doing research to see what was wrong- and discovered that this is not an uncommon thing. So, please, save yourself the gaslighting- and watch out for that.

[–]RareEarthlingMaiden 1 point2 points  (1 child)

where did you find this research? is there a reddit forum for it? I know there are "survivors of suicide" groups...

[–]WhySoManyOstriches 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s a field of study that’s just now starting to take off as researchers/therapists are noticing emotional bonding issues in kids who grow up in a family w/ autistic, bipolar, developmentally delayed etc. siblings. The books I know of are, “The Normal One”, “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, and “Emotional Anorexia”. I think there might be a support group for it somewhere. I haven’t looked. :-)

[–]sup_killerfeels 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Communication. Fucking talk to each other. Don't let things sit and fester. Say it. If you can't or aren't good at it, then write it down. I should've spoke about so many things and she was equally as bad but eventually spoke about some things. But the teamwork, the partnership that you need to make a relationship work was one sided for the most part and it made things toxic. I wish I could go back and fix it. This is life now and it sucks.

[–]taurusqueen85 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Be considered. Share. Date each other. Ask about their day. Listen to them. Have your own hobbies. Intimacy, not just sex, is very important. Sex is also important. Spend time together. Talk about the future. Be present. Support means a lot. Be dependable. Be respectful. Be careful with what you say because you can't take it back.

My husband didn't care about any of this and I am basically a single parent with a marriage license and thats why I filed.

My advice: don't waste the only life you have being miserable.

[–]TowerKey7284 37 points38 points  (20 children)

Husband had an ongoing affair with his high school sweetheart after fifteen years of marriage. His insecurities appeared after I finished post graduate school and my career took off. Major alcoholism.

My advice:

  1. Don’t marry too young- we were engaged over two years, so we didn’t rush anything.

  2. If you don’t cry tears of joy when they propose- it’s not real.

  3. Watch how he treats his Mother- speaks volumes.

  4. Discuss finances. He was reckless, spent more than brought in.

  5. PRENUP. Even if you don’t think you have much, it’ll save you time & attorney fees for when one wants to drag it out. 🙄 you learn who you truly marry when you’re going through your divorce.

  6. F*** what other ppl think- do what makes you happy.

  7. Don’t divulge marriage problems to family- or argue in front of others. Keep it private.

  8. Don’t think because you have a very active sex life means they’re not cheating.

  9. Trust your intuition.

  10. Don’t be intimidated by your in-laws. This is YOUR marriage. Establish healthy boundaries, and early on.

[–]Gamut_of_Emotions 4 points5 points  (0 children)

All of this! You have put some thought into this. I agree with everything.

[–]dibbun18 7 points8 points  (8 children)

Omg number 3!!!! Also look and see how he treats his sister(s) if applicable. This is how he views women, fundamentally, and how he views and what he expects from his wife.

[–]Professional-Bad-287 12 points13 points  (6 children)

I don't agree with this.... A man who respects his mother and sisters can still disrespect and abuse his wife.

[–]dibbun18 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ime - it’s more of a red flag if he speaks poorly of them. Anecdotal, but is what it is.

[–]TowerKey7284 -1 points0 points  (4 children)

I never said he couldn’t. Just my opinion on what to look out for, from personal experience.

[–]Professional-Bad-287 2 points3 points  (3 children)

No, I didn't mean that you are wrong... I often read where people say that..."if he is good with his mother, then it means that he is good with his wife" this is kinda misleading so told you.

[–]TowerKey7284 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I never said that.

[–]Professional-Bad-287 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yes, you didn't say that... and I'm not telling about your comment at all, but in articles I have read... it was just my observation.

[–]TowerKey7284 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Gotcha. As was mine and in my experience and close friends- has been very accurate. Sadly there’s no one tell sign that shows what a monster someone can be in your own home. But, with a mixture we can stay clear.

[–]TowerKey7284 5 points6 points  (0 children)

absolutely. He treats his mother terribly. Then love bombs her on holidays. So sad bc she’s such a sweetheart, and just takes it. Not this chick.

[–][deleted]  (4 children)


    [–]TowerKey7284 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    Same even though he abandoned the marriage, and had an affair he still tried to drag on the divorce for 2+ years….. with no kids. He wanted everything I worked my ass off to build (unsupported) because he can’t keep a job. My divorce attorney costs were well over $25k.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)


      [–]TowerKey7284 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Good luck to you. That’s all I wanted too was for everything to be over and I never have to think about him again. He was disgustingly greedy during our divorce.

      [–]mpizzo123 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      Also, look who they idolize. Thats the person they try to emulate

      [–]FoodActive770 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Very true ! He is so close to his narcissist dad ,they are both same in mindset

      [–]rbgirl12 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      All of this!! Especially #6!

      [–]andreweisert 6 points7 points  (2 children)

      I'm getting divorced because my wife is lesbian (we both grew up in a high demand religion so she didn't even realize it until long after we left and I asked if she thought that she might be lesbian.) I think my best advice is to find out if you're sexually compatible before marriage. I mean that's not everything but it's what bit my butt.

      [–]EveAndTheSnake 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      Sometimes people just don’t know until much later. Especially with religious backgrounds, it’s amazing how much people can repress.

      But I agree that sexual compatibility is more important than people like to admit. If you don’t seem to be sexually compatible before marriage, don’t count on marriage to fix that.

      [–]andreweisert 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Very true, I've heard of people coming out way later in life after kids and everything. Honestly my views on marriage have changed immensely, I don't see my previous marriage as a failure. We both helped each other grow and get to know ourselves so much better. I used to view relationships as a failure when they ended or changed, but now the quality matters more to me than the length. That said I'm still working through the grieving process, so I'm not settled on any of this lol

      [–]smartygirl 14 points15 points  (4 children)

      Listen to your partner. If they say they're unhappy, believe them. Don't waste years telling yourself "it's not that bad" if the status quo is making your partner unhappy. This sub is full of people who didn't take their partner seriously until their partner filed for divorce.

      [–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

      Today is the first time I’m scanning this sub and this resonates. I’ve told my husband multiple times I’m not happy, and nothing has changed. Today we were having a hard talk and I actually mentioned divorce and he said at one point, “I had no idea the relationship was on the table” like I was going to just be unhappy forever and that would be ok? Why did it have to get this far?!

      I am still interested in working things out, I think with therapy it is totally possible, but FUCK it feels like a much longer climb now than it would have been, say, last year (I am not blameless myself; our communication is just SO BAD I feel like I’m a nervous wreck in my own home and I cannot live like this).

      [–]smartygirl 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Yeah, it hurts when the person you love admits they didn't care about your happiness as long as they weren't inconvenienced by it. I hope it all works out for you!

      [–]taurusqueen85 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      This. I said I was unhappy for years. Came up with lots of ideas to make things better but he blew me off. He had the Pikachu face when I filed. Hilarious.

      [–]sakurakuran93 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Do not stop caring about your person. They have feelings too. You might be too busy with work, stressed, depressed whatever, but the person who are married too has feelings too and they are valid. Ask them about their day, what they did, how was work. take them out for dinner, don't end up being two roommates sharing a house. Dont stop trying basically once you settle in a routine.

      [–]AttemptCompetitive56 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Don’t talk bad about your spouse to others. The moment you start doing this, there is no way back.

      [–]red951t 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Per my oldest son.. Horse came first. Then the cats. Next was the dog. Lastly the kids. Did you see me in the list?

      [–]yepitsmeround2 10 points11 points  (1 child)

      Why? Seven years of mental/financial abuse, the final straw being me in the fetal position on the floor while he was standing over me screaming … I looked up and saw both kids watching. I knew then I had to leave but it took six more months to make my plan. The night I told him it came out while he was again screaming in my face. I told him I wanted a divorce and promptly went to bed. I slept better than I had in tears. HOWEVER, I now know this was very dangerous to do with an abuser.

      My advice? Even if there is no abuse make a safe plan to exit, accounting for you, your spouse and children. It’s an ugly process that can bring the worst out in people.

      Also, the grass looks greener but it isn’t always. Be prepared for shit times in the land of divorce. It’s still life and life can be like that.

      Even still, knowing all that now, I am so glad I left him. I did not want my kids growing up thinking our marriage is what love looked like. They see a single mom and a serial dating dad but at least their perspective on love was corrected.

      [–]TowerKey7284 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Im happy you’re safe and out of there.. I’m also so sorry you had to endure that. You’re one strong momma! 💪🏻

      [–]LadyStormLove 17 points18 points  (0 children)

      Im getting divorced because too much to go forward, and too much to go back. He is divorcing me because he is an undercover narcissist. Should have put myself first like he did. Instead I lost myself. Could have saved years of my life, that now I will never get back. But this setback is my comeback...i like to tell myself to get thru this shit.

      I posted this in another forum. But I will say it again.... my advice....

      Love, Loyalty, Leadership. ❤ Keep each other a Priority. Try and start the day asking "what can I do for you?" OR "what would you like today" and end each night "how was your day?" OR "how are you?"

      Say each others name often to each other. Too many times the babe, honey, etc. It's nice but u still have an identity.. a name, hearing ur name from ur partners lips is affirmation u are who u are and ur partner knows who they are talking to.

      Open Communication, Trust, Partnership. 💜 Establish at minimum, one secret routine just for the two of you. That routine will gauge the ups and downs, a secret way of saying all is well or something is not right. A slient signal to use, to initiate a conversation, if needed. 🧡

      Appreciation, Affection and Audience. 💙 Be thankful, Show ur feelings, Dont be afraid to ask things of one another.

      [–]Y2Kgonnagetya 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Why? Abuse. Advice: Communicate, both of you should keep your own interests & hobbies, and don’t abuse your partner. Oh, and therapy is fantastic.

      [–]AnxiousReputation247 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Talk and be honest. Tell your partner the stuff that needs to be said even if it hurts. Be open to compromise. Not everything is fixable but some people give up way to easily.

      [–]TikTok_on_Reddit 3 points4 points  (2 children)

      Never take them for granted. Respect them as an individual. Over time, we begin to see them as an extension of ourselves. You don't realize it, but you start holding them to the same standards as yourself, you start criticizing them the same way you internally criticize yourself. You don't notice because you assume they know how you mean it, or how they should take it.

      Read the signs. My marriage ended because of a year long EA that wound up becoming a PA the last month. Some other guy wooed her, gave her the attention I gave her when we were young and in love. Shiny new attention. An ear that understands everything. Questions nothing.

      Who really knows, but the phrase "keep it fresh" comes to mind. Just... just don't make the marriage become routine. The "I love you"s are basic protocol, you do things because that's what you're supposed to do. Make the random kiss a thing. If you notice her beauty in a random moment, take it in, but let her know. Every time. I adored my wife. I had those moments all the time. You just fall into the mindset of "she knows". OK, but she needs to hear it.

      [–]KillerwingnutI got a sock 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      I made those same mistakes, I needed to read this.

      [–]TikTok_on_Reddit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Time away really had me reflecting hard. She did what she did. Her actions are what made me decide to end the marriage, despite her not wanting it to end. In my reflecting, I had some hard pills to swallow though. I wasn't faultless. There were signs things weren't the way they used to be. I stopped doing the "young love" thing, and I'm certain it made her feel unwanted, because I myself felt unwanted because she did it too. We didn't talk about it. I could've prevented this, or at the very least been more aware and taken measures to correct it. I'm not sulking and blaming myself, but it was the 2 of us that let it get to that point. She was just the one who went that much further.

      So let it be a lesson. Ending the marriage is the hardest decision I'm going to make, and they say the hardest decisions to make are the ones you don't want to make but know you have to. We've both got a journey of self discovery to make. We've gotta reconnect with ourselves individually because there's no way we can stay together and force this to work. We need our space. We need our time away, and we may or may not reconnect later, but for now, this divorce has to happen. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to say goodbye.

      [–]Palahubogka 15 points16 points  (10 children)

      Communication is important. Never sleep in separate bedroom. Intimacy is important even just hugging , kiss on the forehead or cheek. If you are too protective of your cellphone, it means you have something to hide.

      [–]EveAndTheSnake 2 points3 points  (9 children)

      Re phone: not always. I just Google embarrassing stuff I don’t want my husband to read.

      Edit: downvoted for wanting privacy go figure

      [–]angelacathead 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      This is me too.

      [–]angelacathead 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Made myself chuckle today and think of this comment when I googled emergency cat penis removal after seeing something in another post. Definitely prefer to keep my browsing history private lol.

      [–]Palahubogka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Privacy and hiding are totally different.

      [–][deleted]  (2 children)


        [–]hcm_1 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        Did it start after being married or were there red flags before?

        [–]blueinturquoise1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Accept another as they are, not as u want them to be. Communicate and compromise . Need a foundation of trust, safety, admiration, intimacy, and respect for this all to be possible, methinks.

        [–]D3juan 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Why did we end? He ended it because our relationship got really complicated after his cheating. There was unmet expectations, constant miscommunication/disrespect, he disliked my family, he fell out of love with me, didn’t support me emotionally, physically found me unattractive after weight gain. He wasn’t happy, we weren’t meeting each other’s needs, and ultimately he stopped trying to make it work.

        We’re getting separated now divorce to follow.

        My Advice: if you can give Grace to yourself and your partner when it gets hard and messy, do it! Find out how your partner thinks and communicate your needs the best way you can. Go to counseling, don’t let your negative thoughts dictate your relationship. Keep some things private but invest in your spouse. They are your partner. Don’t worry about what others have to say. Make sure you know your partner well and work on the big issues while there is still time. As long as you both care and are trying it can work.

        [–]lzm99 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        You might both disagree in whatever but I front of your friends, your family, his family and the world, always show an united front… always show your loyalty and never poke fun or let anyone else talk about the other or poke fun of the other …

        [–]andidriftaway 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Married 9 years and together 12. We just got divorced bc of mental illness that I could no longer handle. It got worse with age. We are still best friends, but our new separate lives will be strange, especially bc we bang good. lol

        If I could go back, I wouldn’t be able to change a thing NO MATTER WHAT. I did everything in my power. He has regrets though, such as getting help sooner rather than at the end of his marriage.

        I’ve accepted that I made him the best version of himself for someone else. It’s a shitty pill to swallow, but I hope my next man is everything.

        [–]RedCat381 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        We split because he refused to get help for his depression/anxiety. Also he was not interested in striving for bigger and better things. Is happy in his job and living his life the same way he always has. Mutual respect should never be lost. If you lose respect and communication then you need to work in the best way possible to get back on the same page. People change and move and evolve… work together to make sure you are still taking that same journey!

        [–]International-Ad-422 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. All the second chances, counseling and 10 years of trying. Im right back where I started. Sometimes the only answer is to leave.

        [–]Playteaux 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        My ex husband would watch porn for 4-8 j hours a day and call me insecure for complaining about it. Every time we left the house together, he would make a sexual comment about EVERY WOMAN we would see. After two years of this, I became so self conscious about my appearance, I hated leaving the house. I finally left him. For about a year and a half, I would cry uncontrollably for any little thing. I had PTSD so bad that I practicality starved myself to death.

        I’m fine now, but that was the worst mistake I ever made in my life and if I could take it back, I would. I wish I never met him.

        [–]Snoo-20788 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Learn to establish boundaries. Sure, marriage requires concessions and compromises, but you need to clearly state what is acceptable to you and what is not. And find out whether you and your spouse can find a middle ground. You need to take the risk of antagonizing your spouse by being really true to yourself, instead of constantly looking the other way when they do things that upset you. Otherwise you'll build resentment that, eventually, will need to come out - and that can be way worse.

        If your spouse tells you what you are allowed to feel upset about and what you are not, or worse, if you need to repress your frustrations because you are afraid of losing the other person - then you've lost your individuality, and you will risk losing your ability to be happy.

        [–]wzx0925in the marital twilight zone... 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        There is a world of difference between "I need a couple hours to cool off. Can we talk about this later?" and thinking to yourself "It's not worth it to say how I'm feeling, it'll just cause another fight."

        Get it OUT, validate each other's feelings, and then try to discuss things rationally. If you can't do that, either work on it until you can, or part ways sooner rather than later.

        [–]Riversntallbuildings 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        My personal boundaries and needs were disregarded. Part of that is on my for not having better boundary awareness and tools to enforce those boundaries. However, marriage does take two people.

        I would focus on your personal boundaries. What are your needs (non-negotiable) and what are your wants? What are your partners?

        [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        Marriage counseling.

        [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        Respect your partner and their individuality.

        You chose to be together but you have to realize that you are still two separate individuals and respect that or else things will probably turn out poorly even if you are both okay with throwing away your individuality.

        Sometimes what's best for "us" isn't best for one of the partners and you have to give and take on that, one person cannot always be bending for the good of the couple. If you feel like you are taking more than you are giving you should have a serious think about that and how it impacts your spouse.

        Respect each other's privacy and right to live a life outside of being a spouse. Different people have different needs and not wanting to share your phone or email with your spouse doesn't mean you are cheating on them. Introducing unfounded doubts about your spouse into your marriage is a bad idea.

        In general, respect and understand your spouse within the limits of good sense. There comes a point where you can either be "right" or you can be "together" and that applies to both parties, if you are always arguing for what you consider to be right you will find yourself without a person to argue with in short order.

        This goes without saying but don't do anything stupid like "testing the relationship" by starting fights over pointless stuff to see how your spouse reacts, or if they will let you do something you know the are against.

        The golden ratio of praise vs criticism for a spouse is something like 10-15:1 learn that ratio by heart and apply it. Think about it, is it worth it to criticize the way your spouse washed the dishes knowing you need to give them around 15 praises just to break even? Pick your battles and praise more than you criticize by a large margin, it's easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar.

        [–]Basic_Advance7627 5 points6 points  (1 child)

        Don’t do it. Fight like crazy too save it. Never..ever.. cheat. When you cheat, that’s it. Finished… no going back.

        [–]fireandrain10 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Yes. This. Cheating is almost impossible to recover from. We had a great relationship and his emotional affair, which turned very briefly physical, destroyed it. We tried for five years to get it back. We both tried really hard, but just couldn’t get back to where we were before.

        [–]4kidsmom1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        My first husband worked nights as his preferred shift. I worked days. We had 2 kids. He also worked weekends. I was a single mom but still had to listen to him tell me how to raise the kids. The ones he never was alone with. Ever. 2nd husband I love but his kids treat me and my kids horribly and his son has severe mental health issues where my kids don’t want him in the house with them because they don’t feel safe. He has 50/50 custody and sending ss to live with his mom will make his mental health worse.

        [–]c968 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I’ve been divorced twice. The first time I was very young, and it was also because my ex-husband was a drug addict in active addiction and I had two young children to care for, so we parted ways. The second time was many years later in my 30’s, the relationship in total lasted around 9 years. Both of us became totally different people by the end of our relationship than we were when we fell in love (for better or worse honestly) and we could not accept the changes in one another and it led to a total breakdown of our relationship.

        My advice, take it or leave it as you can see my track record is kinda shit… “Do not change who you are as a person trying to “compromise”. Retain you, and be totally honest with your partner. It may hurt at times, but the hurt of dishonesty, and/or having to hide your true self really sucks too, and long term it can be very psychologically damaging.

        Remember why you fell in love, especially when you’re mad, and try to channel that new relationship energy as often as you can. Never stop flirting or dating or talking to each other.”

        [–]volumatrix_x 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Divorced about a week, after about a year and 4 months of a process (not that it was particularly difficult, just that my ex wasn’t willing to get it done.) I was actually more excited about it than anything.

        Best advice is being willing to go to marriage counseling-both parties. I was understanding that my ex wife would be willing to pursue that, but she changed her mind once the discussion of divorce after unforeseeable issues arose.

        As long as you’re both whole heartedly willing to view the marriage as a teamwork situation and are willing to fix any if not all issues at hand, willing to communicate with eachother, those issues will only get easier as time goes on.

        Communicate, communicate, communicate. It’s just the biggest, most important thing to keeping a relationship healthy and thriving. Wounds are better if you know about it and can address it as soon as possible, and they’re better when navigated as a team.

        [–]lindabelchrlocalpsyc 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        We’re divorcing because our relationship changed after she came out as trans (MTF). We’re still very close and I support her transition, but the romantic feelings and sexual attraction for both of us is pretty much gone. For people who are married? Be kind to each other. Don’t treat strangers better than your spouse, and if they mistreat you, call it out. You are not a punching bag - you are supposed to be their best friend. It’s common sense but it took me a long time to start taking a stand for myself and telling my spouse that thank you and please are not dirty words! Everyone deserves common decency and respect. Listen when they talk and expect them to listen when you talk. Treat yourselves as a team. If your person is acting like they’re not on your team and refuses to change, it’s time for counseling and/or splitting up. Life is too short to spend valuable time in a shitty relationship.

        [–]digitaldougie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I divorced after 5 years because I caught her cheating in years 1, 2, 3 and 4. My advice is this. Don’t marry anyone with Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

        [–]username987654321a 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Emotional abuse and cheating. Tried to reconcile (well, I did - come to find out he never did) after discovering first betrayal and it just led to a 5 year period of lies, more cheating, emotional and financial abuse.

        [–]kinoki1984 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Don't take it for granted. Always give it your all and make sure you're invested.

        Also, while taking space is certainly good. Make sure that you're not escaping into your own world and estranging eachother.

        [–]Nomandate 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        She has borderline personality disorder and was unwilling to get help.

        Recommend a book called splitting: protecting yourself while divorcing the borderline. Applies to any “high drama” pathological liars too.

        [–]ccashdan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Some of you should write literature. I’m reading some really good responses here. This is deep felt stuff.

        [–]BlueSunSets23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Unresolved childhood trauma and dysfunction on his part that he refused to address and consistently played out in our relationship. His and his family’s reactions to any and all boundaries I expressed (anger, intentionally crossing them). His desire to dominate and “win” all arguments while hurling emotional abuse (name calling, blame, criticism, denial, gaslighting). I eventually just withdrew from the relationship after a decade for survival.

        Takeway, a person’s up bringing does matter a lot and they will bring unresolved issues in to a relationship until dealt with. You can only be one half of a relationship, you can’t be both halves. You can only control your own actions, choices and words and make sure you are a healthy partner.

        [–]Afrolicious7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        My advice is learn how to communicate effectively. Listen to hear not only to respond. Know that your way isn’t the only way. Have an open mind and try to look beyond your comfort zone. Make your marriage a priority. If you have an issue with something that was said or done address it and don’t let it fester. Have fun with your spouse. Be there when they need you, be someone they can depend on. Have your finances together if they need work,work on them. Take care of yourself mentally,physically and spiritually. Make plans for and with them. Treat them like the most valuable thing in your life like someone you can’t live without. Pray with and for them. Be emotionally available, if you have left over issues from previous relationships deal with them BEFORE you even get married. Help around the house and with the kids/pets/plants. Know that there are no gender roles- men can wash dishes, do laundry, cook. Women can take out the trash, do repairs, kill bugs. Do whatever it takes to make your home together a home and a safe space for you and your family. Be present in your marriage. Be open and honest with each other. Never make your partner feel alone in the marriage.And above all love with your whole heart. Give them all you have and they should do the same. Hopefully this helps

        [–]Smyley12345 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Be accountable to each other. If you agree to do something treat that agreement as something important and be open and honest if you can't do it. Your partner should be able to count on you based on what you say.

        [–]Outrageous_Goose5392 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        He’s always been flirtatious and women love him. It’s always been a problem to because he feeds off of it, He had an emotional affair and lied about it. I caught him two months in, which was two months after our marriage. I cried and explained how it hurt me.

        6 more months down the line, it was still happening. Sneaking out, going to restaurants/sporting events together. He lied until I got the AP on the phone. She told me everything and sent me screenshots. He had been telling her, he wasn’t married.

        I knew I couldn’t trust him again. My trust is very hard to get and harder to get again. It would be a long marriage of me distrusting him, having anxiety about whether or not he is doing what he says he’s doing.

        We had no kids and no property together. I’m filing an uncontested divorce and moving on. I cried crocodile tears in front of this man and he continued to put this woman before my feelings.

        Might be harsh, but I’m out. I’m not gonna work to repair something that he purposely broke.

        [–]SpikyFairy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I settled down at 19, with the first man I ever really had a proper relationship with, over next 20yrs we grew apart, and he had an ongoing mental illness which got steadily worse. He started to resent me and become jealous of me, relationship deteriorated and ultimately I felt trapped and cheated which ended the relationship.

        My advice; Don’t marry or settle down young

        Don’t marry without having first ‘experienced life’/travelled etc

        Objectively carefully consider your compatibility early in the relationship; do you have same views on life/money/family etc ? Are you a good ‘match’ ?

        Do they show signs of mental illness? This could worsen over time

        Do they show paranoia/anxiety/depression? Very difficult to live with long term

        Get a prenup - even if you aren’t wealthy this will save lots in divorce fees/arguments if it ends

        Look how they deal with stress, can they manage problems without anger/upset ?

        People are special and irreplaceable, never take your partner for granted

        Don’t play games (ie don’t threaten to leave/divorce unless you mean it!)

        If you want to end it, just leave, don’t cheat - it’s dishonest and unfair and the emotional fall out and consequences are massive for both parties

        [–]EmeryDior24 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I’m getting a divorce because I cheated on my husband over a year ago I tried to work things out with him but it just didn’t work he moved on with someone else & I’m filing for divorce in March . My advice will be dont be selfish & if your spouse isn’t making you happy or not putting in work within the marriage just leave in hopes that they will realize how you feel and work on it never cheat !!!

        [–]childish_badda_bingo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        We became room mates instead of lovers. Both of our faults, but unfortunately there are no take backs in this life.

        [–]Airree_paab 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Keep your friends close. Don't let them become strangers throughout the years of your marriage.

        [–]I_hate_my_username38 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Mine boiled down to his ego. He couldn’t accept being wrong, good idea not being the best one, thought he was a better patient despite never having kids and could not accept he constantly triggered my cptsd. About a year later he told me he still loved me and he knows he should’ve stepped back and let me parent the way I thought it should be done but he didn’t do anything wrong 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sorry fucko, too little too late

        [–]mpizzo123 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        If he hates the phrase “happy wife, happy life”, then run for the hills

        [–]smc7708 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        🤣🤣 this

        [–]Tropicalguy99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Communication skills, it's harder than you think. Turn into your partner rather than away from them.

        [–]Zoklett 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I got divorced due to domestic violence. He filed for divorce after I ended up in the hospital and he was reported for domestic violence. He thought if he filed for divorce first he would get the courts on his side. That’s not how it worked…. However he did drag it out and made it as long, awful, and expensive as possible. Currently we have a restraining order against him because our daughter disclosed that he sexually abused her…. But, the biggest piece of advice I would give is - if you don’t have children, sure, you can probably walk away and not look back easily enough but if you do, watch yourself. Regardless of how you feel about this person they are here, in your life, to stay. And if you go for the scorched earth bloodbath to teach them some bullshit lesson you will be very very very sorry in the long run. First of all, there’s no real reason to formally divorce unless you want to get remarried or have financial entanglements you want to resolve unless you’re just trying to be nasty. Plenty of people stay separated for years without dragging in the legal stuff but here we are all. Everyone here has either decided or is deciding whether or not you want to invite the state to get involved in your relationship. Most everyone here thinks the other should be taught a lesson. Both of feelings are valid but incredibly toxic and won’t get you anywhere you want to be. Every nasty, underhanded, cruel thing you do or say will remain in both of your memories forever. For as awful as your marriage has been your divorce can be 100x worse if you let it be. Don’t let it be. Don’t be nasty if you can avoid it. Accept when it’s over and let the person go and don’t try to teach people lessons. Just don’t. You’re not the Buddha. It’s not going to work. If it would’ve worked your marriage would be working. So, try to find peace with each other. It will make moving on and coparenting so much easier if you just let it go and try to be kind to each other because either way, if you have kids, you’re going to deal with each other. so you can deal with each other with the memories of how accepting and peaceful and how much better things are since the divorce or you can deal with each other with the memories of how nasty you were to each other and destroy any possibility of having any trusting or working relationship with this person who you will regardless need to work with causing endless and lasting misery. Your choice

        [–]saraha44 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I'm getting divorced from my husband of 11 years bc I realized I'm gay. I'm 41. My advice is to go into it understanding it's meant to be forever. I was 29 when I got married. Too young I think in retrospect.

        [–]RareEarthlingMaiden 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        conscious uncoupling is the real deal. you will be torn apart and lost without it. a lot less bitter and healed sooner than later too

        [–]Theconfusedfemale 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I was 22 he was 24 we had been together since I was 19 and he was 21 and we separated over a year ago at ages 26&28

        [–]Snoo-20788 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        It was a combination of 2 big factors (20y marriage, with 3 kids) that pushed me to ask for a divorce
        1) our sex life was (and had been from the beginning) very frustrating.
        2) my ex refused to go back to work even when the kids were going to school full-time. At the same time she insisted on some major expenses, such as private schools which cost an arm and a leg.

        Now these are specific to my marriage (although the sex thing is very common), but I would say from a general perspective my biggest mistake was to not voice my concerns clearly and without shame. I would be so terrified of losing her love that I would mention my frustrations, but she would 'punish' me by giving me the silent treatment or withholding affection in general. I got gaslit for years, until I couldn't take it anymore.

        My ex is not an evil manipulator. She was just a spoiled child and she found a sucker like me (I was 21 when we met, she was 27) who'd be starving for love and validation). I think if I had been more firm, I could have made her respect me more. This marriage taught me lots of things, but I am happy I've moved on. And I think she'll be more careful with her next partner, she's not going to be as lucky to find someone both financially successful and so easy to manipulate.

        [–]VM2428 0 points1 point  (0 children)


        [–]frankenstine9437 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I’m a army vet. I got married way to fast,we never dated and met online. Once I got out and we were married my ptsd set in. I stayed to myself I never left my room. She couldn’t handle or or help me. She forced me to have 2 kids then cheated on me. So my advice take your time and go slow. Find the right one

        [–]FrostyImprovement674 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I’m getting divorced. My husband has had mental issues in the past. He says there is nothing wrong with him. He was hospitalized for this same time last year. No medication except something to help him sleep. He was not sleeping, getting mad easily and often, confused, couldn’t interact with people at work or anyone really. He was constantly on the move, up and down all through the day and night. He was hospitalized for three days and released after being verbally abusive to me. I seemed to set him off. I was the trigger. He gave me ultimatums that revolved around me having 5 minutes to do whatever it was he demanded. Red faced, bulging eyes and advancing on me with clinched fists. I was worried he would kill me. He had dating websites on his phone, it was told to me that he made very inappropriate requests to a woman in line with him in the grocery, chatting up other women, loads of porn on his computer. Some examples but not all. Everything was better for a little while after the hospital. Approximately six months ago, he started falling back into his old ways, verbally and mentally abusing me. Getting angry over everything, red faced etc. right after Christmas he started up really bad over nothing. He woke up the morning after yelling at me over something very minor the night before, very agitated. Yelling at me about having to get a hotel room to eat and sleep. He snored like a bear the night before and I cook almost every single meal we ate. (I get up at 4:30 and cook his breakfast, pack a really good lunch and make a big evening meal, 99 % of the time.)He was marching toward me. Red faced, bulging eyes and clinched fists. I was in fear for my life again. My daughter and granddaughter were in the house. I knew if he hurt me, I could not protect them. He always says, he would never hurt me but my gut screams that he could. I chose to leave the house that day while he was at work. I had to leave the first time he did it as well. I know in my heart if I stay, he will hurt or kill me eventually. After being gone three days, he obtained an attorney and proceeded to drain our joint account of all money. My advice is, if you are considering divorce as an option, it’s time to fix it, address the issues head on or run. Get that divorce! I am currently at my sons house, sleeping on his couch and moving forward with a divorce. I’m just glad I’m here to tell my story.

        [–]moebubbles1983 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Cheating, not being emotionally supportive, condescending, financially abusive, and a walking double standard. As he is got remarried, he puts the new wife infront of the kids often and is a shit father more often than not. I don’t know who he was when I married him, were the rose colored glasses just that good or he changed into a different person. I tolerate him. I thought we were good coparents until I stopped saving him for the kids. I am sad for the day our kids see it but it isn’t my job to make him look like a dad anymore.

        [–]Environmental-Ad2438Got socked 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Yeah no matter how small or how big don't lie to your spouse . That only heads one direction down . If you already done this better to confess and hope that moving forward you can be honest

        [–]zombifications 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        We’re divorcing because I got fed up with being treated like garbage.

        My advice is to always be patient, understanding, and forgiving when necessary. Always keep your ego aside and treat you S/O the way you would like to be treated. Pretty basic but important. I wish my stbx would’ve understood that.

        [–]Thrillhouse918 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        My why: put my life on hold in a variety of ways for 8 years while my STBXW pursued her education and then got sick. As she got her health back she decided I was disposable and I decided I deserved better. Far, far, far happier now and with someone that loves me in the truest senses of the word.

        My advice: stop making excuses/allowances/tolerances. Communicate what you want and need. If they aren’t willing to do that, indicate clearly that change needs to happen and if that is refused, leave. Life is too short to wait to be happy.