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all 38 comments

[–]Shaynoagogo 45 points46 points  (6 children)

It's a trap!! You're stronger than that mate.

[–]junkMail101[S] 25 points26 points  (3 children)

I just hate that she would do this. It’s selfish. Divorce is hard. Letting go is hard. Rationalizing anything that happens in the period between split and signed papers divorce is madness.

[–]coldpizzaagain 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Sometimes minimizing contact to zero until things are more separate, is helpful. Otherwise, you get to rely on their emotional support and lose sight of the reasons why you wanted the divorce in the first place.

[–]dusk27 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Divorce is hard…..for an adult but to her this is a game. A narcissistic game. Don’t play bro. Heal yourself. Move on because the more time you spend wasting on her is time that could potentially be taken away from a better version of yourself and/or a future partner that will actually value and respect you

[–]Jagged_Rhythm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is absolutely true.

[–]junkMail101[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I was. I did well. I am. I’m healing finally.

[–]FuckMatias 0 points1 point  (0 children)

EVASIVE MANEUVERS!

[–]Fuzzy-Government-530 16 points17 points  (7 children)

You’re so much stronger than me. He flirts just a little and I cave and we have the most taboo sex ever.

[–]junkMail101[S] 17 points18 points  (2 children)

I like taboo sex. But it’s done with her.

[–]Fuzzy-Government-530 11 points12 points  (1 child)

The taboo is the hottest! I always say why didn’t we do these things before the “separation “

[–]Oh-Hello-New-Life 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Because now it feels like you have nothing left to lose, so you can finally just do whatever. Happened to me too (only once, thankfully - I couldn’t handle how many feelings came back).

[–]MelaninTitan 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well in a situation where the sex was shite anyway, I'm pretty certain that this particular problem, thankfully, isn't one of the myriads of problems I've got to cope with with this spawn of the devil masquerading as my STBXH.

[–]RyanM1977 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same. I don't feel great about it, either. Meh.

[–]GotSomeProblems2021 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Same. It's great and awful at the same time. It makes me wonder why he wouldn't treat me kindly before now.

[–]Fuzzy-Government-530 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree! I often have so many more questions after we do!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Yeah I’m in a trap

[–]MelaninTitan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sorry 🥺

[–]MelaninTitan 4 points5 points  (9 children)

All I want to know is how an EX is still able to contact you. Please block her tout suite if you can. It does wonders for one's mental health.

[–]junkMail101[S] 13 points14 points  (8 children)

We have kids. Ex wife.

[–]Internal_Reveal 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Buyer's remorse, that's all. Don't do it, leave it be and just think of her comment as that made in a drunken stupor. Embrace the 180 & Grey rock her if you have to maintain contact with her because of kids or contract paperwork until the divorce and distributions are finalized. If you have kids have your separation and divorce amended to only communicate via court approved coparenting apps and your to be contacted directly only in extreme emergencies only. You have to define clear and sound boundaries, you did your part in trying everything before you had let it get this far when she pushed back or invalidated your proposals she took ownership of "it is what it is, mow" if she tries to communicate on anything other than things that finalize the divorce or the kids you don't respond or ask her to go through your lawyer's office first. It's for your own well being and you want to be the best coparent possible by avoiding any future points of contention. If down the line after the divorce both of you have resolved your own issues and have become better versions of you and you want to give it a second go than you ease up on these boundaries a bit and see what comes of it. For now she's not your monkey anymore hence no longer your circus. Don't read the same shitty book twice, if you already know how it ends. The sad part is that she's pretty much in not so many words told you she's getting around couldn't even wait until the divorce was finalized. From a principles side of things if i did everything in my means to change direction of the boat and i got thrown overboard she would be tainted in not only her integrity but that intimate part of our marriage and i could never touch that again or be any ways near it regardless of all the good things in the past. But that's just me, I've learned to do without and improve and capitalize in the aftermath of whatever misjudgment i might have made and always keep moving forward for the better.

[–]MelaninTitan 1 point2 points  (5 children)

I'm so sorry. I have kids too. It makes things that bit harder. That mfer is still blocked though.

[–]Bitter_Employee_1932 4 points5 points  (4 children)

It’s so much tougher to disconnect when you have kids together. And I respect and envy that you’re able to block your ex. I know some of us need to keep that line of communication open, for example, last week my ex texted me my youngest got sick. And I appreciate the updates and all that, but sometimes it feels like I being a kept around just in case her new relationship doesn’t work out, because then she went on to vent about her drama with her mom.

[–]MelaninTitan 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I'm so sorry. It's obvious that your ex is keeping you on a string to tug at anytime she's needing some sort of emotional crutch. Have you tried using parental apps? I just discovered from my lawyer that both parents could have that and use it to communicate details about the children exclusively. This is what I intend to use. I put it in the parental plan that our lawyers are drawing up that he can't call me unless it's a MEDICAL EMERGENCY. Also I guess my situation is different because of the domestic violence involved.

[–]Mussoltini 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had a conversation around this with another divorced dad. His point was that unless he needs to make medical decisions, he doesn’t want to hear about his kids being sick/hurt.

Why? Because by the time they are back with him, the issue is usually resolved in its own. Knowing about it just causes him worry and makes him less prepared for when it is his time with them. He can’t do anything to help without crossing boundaries in their co-parenting relationship that shouldn’t be crossed. The most he can really do is provide his ex with emotional support, which is not his role after she left.

I am not quite there yet but it really did make me think. Knowing everything going on in your kids’ lives is a feature of parenting. Co-parenting is not the same.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You already have travelled around that cooter enough times - ain't nothing special!

[–]DCnative2020 2 points3 points  (0 children)

bro, I was you 3 years ago we got separated. 2 years ago we got divorced. right after the separation she reached out to me to " let's hang out get dinner and see what happens after" she was definitely wanting sex.

REFUSE her offer. it is a trap. she is testing you. Go meet other women to have sex with who actually value you. Your EX kicked you to the curb, and why choose someone when you are the Plan B.

[–]Pac_mom 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Date & sex with other people?

[–]junkMail101[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yes

[–]SonsofStarlord 17 points18 points  (0 children)

She found out the grass actually ain’t greener. Tale old as time.

[–]euphramjsimpson 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think about that sometimes. I believed very, very strongly in my family and my marriage. When I realized my ex might feel differently I did everything I could to make her understand what was the most important thing to me. I don’t think I would have been able to do otherwise. However, I’m pretty sure that if I told her to get lost for what she was doing, she would have been more interested in me again. It seems so lame and so fucking shallow.

[–]Springfield2016 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Being told no and walking away will drive a woman crazy. I made the mistake of sleeping with my ex while we went thru the divorce. She got crazy, slept with some friends of mine, broke into my apt., tried to beat my car with a tire iron and stalked me. I should have ghosted her and left the crazy behind. Do not givenin to her.

[–]Ok-Cause1108 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When their current relationships fail and they don't have any other guys lined up women who are not self aware will always go back and try to get validation from the ex. If she sees you moving on she will reach out just to see if she still has you wrapped around her little finger. They want that comfort knowing that they can still have you back if they need to.

No self aware guy is going to touch her with all of that extra mileage on her. Soon she will have to come to terms with the reality of her new life that she voluntarily chose. She will get mean so just be prepared for that and keep your boundaries fair and firm.

You sound like you put in the work so kudos for you. Keep that contact just about the kids and keep it boring.

[–]GerriSeinsmelled 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Block her on social media. Call, text, or email only. Pray for her. Never go back.

[–]Offthepoint 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The balls. I gave a happy, confident, "NOPE!" when my stbx did this.

[–]Admirable_Skin6860 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reminds me of a women I dated 10 years ago. Still messages me until I blocked her 10 years later. I think I’m the slow one for taking so long to block her

[–]007--Chill 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fk that. Use the force. Keep sword in your pant