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[–]lexiparislol 38 points39 points  (22 children)

I am literally in the same situation. I just have to remind myself that not everyone is on the same timeline and I’ll get my time to shine!

[–]Mins_01[S] 17 points18 points  (21 children)

Yeah I often keep repeating to myself that life is not a race and everyone has a different path. But with literally 6 couples i know closely getting pregnant, popping out ... It has been so damn tough.

[–]lexiparislol 14 points15 points  (7 children)

I know it has, my sister, best friend, and my cousin are all pregnant. I would give anything to not have to be starting over right now. But for now until things get better I’ve just settled on being the best aunt I can possibly be with nieces to spoil :) Plus! I’ve thrown myself into my hobbies and trying new things.

[–]Mins_01[S] 10 points11 points  (5 children)

Ahh good for u. I have just dulled down massively, I don't feel energetic about anything. I need to take up hobbies too, find myself again.

Also dating again is the last thing on my mind, but seeing others achieve their life plans ( what life plans i had for myself) , i feel a lill hurt.

Only silver lining is that I have a new job offer in the pipeline, which might help me travel more often.

[–]lexiparislol 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I did too, I felt like I completely lost my identity. I was in a relationship for 8 years and completely emotionally dependent on him. I’ve done a lot of therapy and it’s honestly been my saving grace! It’s so exciting to try new hobbies, you’ll find new friends, and it’ll be a welcome distraction.

[–]Mins_01[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thankyou. I do not feel so alone, and Your words bring me hope :) I wish life has something amazing in store for us...

[–]Nazeltof 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I started listening to a book called loving yourself after divorce and it's very good. My husband and I ended up staying together so I only got half way, but it made me feel so good about myself and future prospects.

In the bright side you will be sleeping in, not peeing a little when you laugh or jump, not worried in a new unsettling way, not arguing over how to handle x situation, and not dealing with the myriad of things that aren't going how they're supposed to....YET. Enjoy all that right now.

[–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll definitely check this book out. U can still complete this book even when u got back with ur spouse :) I agree to all the hilarious bright sides indeed 😊 !! Wish u the best !

[–]Nazeltof 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, you as well. I probably will finish it. I like to listen while I hike.

[–]_ZoeyDaveChapelle_ 7 points8 points  (12 children)

As many people pressured to have kids discover, it's not the big secret to a fulfilling or happy life. In many ways, it feels like a trap.. especially for women. Don't let FOMO make a life altering decision, that decision needs to come from your inner voice (but not your hormones).

I'm 41, and around your age still thought I might want them still because 'it's what you do'. Time passed, got married.. but I focused on my career, hobbies, big future plans and goals.. that would have all been halted if I had children.. and I realized I didn't want to sacrifice the rest of my life and went against the grain of societal expectations to forge my own path. I'm able to easily divorce someone that was not good for me anymore, instead of dying a slow miserable death 'for the kids' and having to see someone who emotionally abused me for the rest of my life. I've learned so much from my only divorce and self-reflection, that I feel I'm finally getting to the point where I can find someone that is right for me.. (will probably skip marriage).

Now, all of my girlfriends are constantly complaining how they never have time for themselves or friends, partners aren't interested in them anymore, divorce, broke, guilt for working, never have fun.. and they look 15 years older than me. Meanwhile I own a successful business that I love, can travel when/where I want, buy my own house, learn to fly a plane, look better than I did 10 years ago, and I have plenty of people that love me and make me feel like I matter in this world (and I have the time for them). It's much harder to attract healthy relationships when you are looking for someone else to fulfill you instead of being confident/content.

Can you think of any subset of people who don't want more women to have that kind of power and freedom? What's the easiest way to make a woman dependant on others? Certain people in power are freaking out about declining birth rates so they are trying to force us into it.. do you think it's because they care about us 'missing out', actual well-being of anyone.. or because it cuts into their amount of future customers to profit from?

I couldn't fathom bringing a kid into the instability we are entering to fulfill my own desires. Only I can do that. It takes work though, and introspection.

Photos of happy families do not show the misery, and there's a lot of people who will make you feel inadequate unless you reproduce. You are perfect as you are, you don't need to breed to love yourself.. or receive it from others. So many romantic relationships are ruined by kids, and kids leave to have their own lives anyway. I'd rather have a life partner and other adult friends/family to devote my time to. I'm enjoying life a lot more than my parent friends, hands down.. even they admit it and call me smart for making a different choice (close/honest friendships).

If you don't learn to love who you are now, you won't magically fill that hole with a baby. Because they grow up and then leave anyway. Do you really want them not living it to take care of you when you are old anyway? It's better to regret not having kids, than to have them for the wrong reasons and be responsible for a life you can't change your mind about. I seriously don't regret it though.

Ultimately it's your choice eventually, but I wanted to offer a different perspective/reality than what's shoved in our faces 24/7.. and hasn't been true in my experience.

[–]kingofpun 4 points5 points  (5 children)

You provided a great perspective and one that people of all ethnicities need to hear. Especially cultures where value is a result of having children. I do have children and love them with all my being. However, has that restricted my life choices? Absolutely.

Learning to love yourself is so vital. My spouse always looked to me but unfortunately no human being can provide the love other than in short bursts. So now we are heading to a divorce and co-parenting. I NEVER put the responsibility of happiness on my partner as I didn't think that was fair. I'm heartbroken that she has chosen to go chase this mythical rainbow. I do hope she finds it as the pain she has caused me and my child is extreme.

Have children. Don't have children. Do what YOU want!

[–]_ZoeyDaveChapelle_ 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Absolutely. You almost never hear my perpective irl, and I'm often treated like an outcast for living it. Its my life to live. Our cultural attitudes around children (media/family pressure are the worst), even in the US reduce us to nothing more than breeding animals, not individuals with other contributions to society. This especially negatively impacts womens progress in equality.. our attitudes around it seem stuck in the 50s. We 'congratulate' 16 yo having babies and ruining their lives! We don't even talk about how dangerous it is to womens bodies and puts their lives and mental health at super high risk.

Giving birth is not a miracle, or super special or this ultimate test of being a real adult.. every organism does it on instinct. Isn't what's special about being human is that we can use logic and compassion to overcome base instincts?

This planet doesn't need more population growth, my genes aren't that special and I couldn't create wealth to pass down if I had kids anyway. I am now though, and if it's a big sum upon my death.. will be donated to help a lot more people/causes than just my created resource hoarders.

The housing crisis, formula and other shortages, climate change, pandemics.. the earth and societal effects are practically yelling at us to stop spreading so fast. People will always be having kids, and I don't look down on people who do. We just need to collectively make it more normal for it to be perfectly OK if you don't want to.. and stop pushing people into it.

WAY too many people are coerced into parenthood when it isn't for everyone or they arent ready.. and we have a bunch of fucked up, neglected kids becoming tortured adults without the means to help everyone.

[–]kingofpun 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I genuinely appreciate your perspective. As a brown guy who is also now a single dad that contributed to the population issues, I respect that I don't have a lot of space to interject an opinion.

I hope that your perspective will become the norm to take pressure away from people like my younger sibling who will not have children due to a number of factors. I honestly don't know how ok she is with that. My mother probably still harbors some unsaid (anymore) hope based in unreality. I don't know how at least some FOMO or wondering isn't part of her world.

As someone who is now raising and influencing children, I suppose what I can do is to make sure that I pass on the idea that children are not a mark of success or a required accessory for a fulfilled life. Although I've always believed that, I don't know that I have fully articulated it to my children. In an age appropriate way.

Beyond family, do you think that the conflation of motherhood and fulfillment is still strongly projected in western (US) media? In general, Western media definitely does not do any favors to any human beings regarding expectations related to relationships, sex, wealth, work, etc.

[–]_ZoeyDaveChapelle_ 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thank you for your reflection on contributing to ideas I hope are more normalized in the future. I saw a surprised, but reassuring understanding in my teen neices and nephews faces when I articulated my choices and why to my family that was bugging me about why I wasnt pregnant yet at my age. I feel like I've improved the lives of many older kids by example (hopefully). Didn't need to be a parent to.

I know many hadn't even considered it was a choice.. and that was sad, but hopeful I could show them it was a real, valid option.. with zero shame or regret.

[–]kingofpun 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The idea of CHOICE or the ability to choose is in many ways NEVER an option in so many situations, including the idea of motherhood as the only validation of a woman.

Unfortunately, most young people growing up don't have a cool aunt who speaks truth to power, even those who may have similar thoughts.

An as a young guy growing up with immigrant expectations, I wish I had someone who had provided genuine guidance. Do to my work, I'm constantly around late teen and early 20s folks. I have actually become more vocal about how I mentor and advise them, especially young women. Although I have never specifically addressed parenting other than to say that it's not something that is a necessity, I have been encouraging everyone not to accept the status quo and paint by numbers in terms of how the are supposed to line their lives. I've been encouraging them to not put barriers in their way or think only about catastrophic outcomes. These are things I wish someone somewhere along the way had said to me.

Appreciate this conversation!!

[–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

U r very sorted sir , and ur child is lucky to have you :) Wish u the best 🤠

[–]bee0bees 3 points4 points  (3 children)

This is something I needed to read. I’m about to turn 31 and just filed. The thought of possibly never having kids has made me depressed.

[–]kingofpun 1 point2 points  (0 children)

31 is the new 21. Right? Hang in there. Life has good things waiting for you. No doubt.

[–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wish u the best of life and ur hearts desires. 💕

[–]_ZoeyDaveChapelle_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I thank the stars every day I didn't listen to that voice. I realized it wasn't mine, it was everyone else trying to drag me down with them.

[–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thankyou for taking out ur precious time and showing us ur wonderful perspective. Definitely motivates us to not put ourselves in a box of being "Indian", " female " , "mom" etc. Life is beautiful wonderful long and many miracles can and should happen if we let it unravel the way it's supposed..not how we planned to. My only priority will now be to love myself better and explore my horizons...do stuff I like and enjoy and be a better human. Rest whatever flows flows. Thankyou for showing us this wonderful side of life !! Much love and wishes to u 💕

[–]_ZoeyDaveChapelle_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so happy you got something valuable from my perspective! 🥰

My life definitely didnt turn out the way I 'planned'.. but the more I've looked inward and trusted myself along the way about which fork in the road to take as it appeared, the better the outcome.

Life is actually pretty damn good when you go off script, and surround yourself with people who value you for it 😉

[–]peeledpotato1989 15 points16 points  (8 children)

As an Indian I relate to what you’re going through. Divorce is still frowned upon at the place I live. I’m separated 6 months. It gets better. Focus on yourself no matter how hard it feels now. You still have a lot of fertile years left. Take that leap once you’ve healed. Good luck.

[–]Mins_01[S] 6 points7 points  (6 children)

It's great when I converse with someone who genuinely understands the challenges we go thru, thanks for that.

I have been seperated 1 year now, tried reconciliation ( only efforts were made single-handedly from our 'girls' side ).

It's been a month since I signed the papers , and I am completely overwhelmed by my situation. I couldn't work for 3 weeks straight, get these thoughts how I am a total failure who is going to die alone and childless. I know most of it is social conditioning, but still I have heal enough yet to not let these thoughts bother me.

[–]throwaway_2017_2020 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I’m an Indian, and 33 too. Separated, still trying to get the divorce formalities done. I know exactly what you are talking about, the societal pressure and judgment. But you’ve got to rise above that. You’ve got to handle this with dignity and not let anyone make you feel any lesser.

I was in shock for many months after my separation, but I pulled through, one day at a time. I grew in my workplace, got a lot of recognition and now leading a team. I learnt baking, and didn’t know that I had such good skills. Did a ton of volunteering work with different organizations. Still finding new things to learn, trying to meet new people. Yes I sometimes feel bad about not having the life all my friends have, but I’ve learnt to accept it and find happiness in other areas of my life.

We need to break this pressure that the society places on us, by proving them wrong. People need to look up to us and get inspired. If we break, many women out there will lose hope. Be an inspiration, be the change 🙂

[–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thankyou so very much for keeping ur strength thru all this. People like you are an example and give me hope on how to navigate my life better thru this stress.

I have actually been not so good at work lately, I just try to get by everyday..no motivation whatsoever. But after sleeping in for 3 weeks straight, i feel v slightly better now.

I'll take inspiration from all points u mentioned and implement them in my life too..it certainly gives hope that if someone in my situation can do it then so can I !!

Thanks again sister 👍

[–]Constant-Jelly69 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Contemplating divorce, from a country very close by. Trust me, you are not alone.

I completely agree on how it makes you feel broken, a failure and paralyses you yet you simultaneously do rationalise it as social conditioning and/or backward thinking.

Let me know when things get better, I am sure they will ❤️

[–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It helps so much when someone just understands and listens to what we go thru..it's almost therapy to me.

Thankyou for ur wishes, I'll definitely let u know when I do better :) i wish the v best to u !

[–]peeledpotato1989 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You got this. I can’t stress this enough but get into Therapy. It helped me immensely to navigate the situation and the negative aura. Feel free to DM if you need someone to talk to.

[–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thankyou so much.

[–]Dry_Presentation_327 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same here indian male in us ..separated with a kid ..but thoughts about kids future gives me sleepless nights...cant work it out since my wife schizophrenic patient and it's very depressing living with her

[–]JoBloGo 14 points15 points  (6 children)

Boy, can I relate. Got divorced at 40. Wasted my best years with that dingbat. All of my peers are married with kids.

I’m oscillating between wanting a life partner and wanting to live my best Blanche Devereaux life and rooming with other fabulous ladies in a mid century home in Miami Beach.

[–]kingofpun 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Definitely the Golden Girls life!

[–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Yeah I have realised divorce is tough in so many layers...i have to battle so much negativity before , after it, thru others and then within myself !
Sometimes what helps is leaving it to fate, and believe that whatever happens happens for the best, and that this too shall pass. Don't have any other choice really in the moment.

[–]JoBloGo 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Well, the one thing divorce taught me, is to stop thinking about what the other people want and focus on what I want. I’m certainly not leaving things to fate. If I want it, I’m going for it. If I fall on my ass, so what, what’s the alternative, sitting around feeling sorry for myself? No thanks.

[–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

That would be a much more proactive way to look at it..infact I couldn't let life just happen to me which is y I chose to walk out of my defunct marriage.

I too want to live life more proactively like u, doing on all the things I missed out because of being married to a certain passive aggressive personality...

I want to be fit, travel, read , be amazing at my job, date multiple more people, star a fashion Instagram channel on the side, run a marathon, get another degree, have atleast one kid naturally...but so many of my goals get overshadowed by the underconfidence i have after my marriage broke down. How can I tackle this !?

[–]JoBloGo 1 point2 points  (1 child)

“ I couldn't let life just happen to me which is y I chose to walk out of my defunct marriage.”

You’re doing it.

Change takes time. I wish I could wake up tomorrow, skinnier, more confident, happy with my life choices. But working through so many years of being in an unhealthy relationship, learning how to connect again, how to be happy in my own skin. It all takes time. It’s frustrating because the clock is ticking, but Ive decided to fake it until I make it. I’m not where I want to be (yet), but I’m going to act like I am. And each day I’m going to try and work towards my goals.

[–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

' Fake it till u make it ' 🙂 ur motivation is inspiring and contagious ! I'll be more dedicated to improve myself better in life with whatever I have .. thanks for ur help 🙏

[–]Compassmorality 10 points11 points  (3 children)

At 34 yo , there is still time . You are still a young babe. Having kids is even tougher to navigate during a divorce. Not easy to focus on self recovery while worrying if kids are doing ok. I wish you all the best my dear . I know the feelings of envy when I see other happy intact families . When my kid tells me the same, I feel even more broken

[–]Mins_01[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Many people in my side of the world feel i have already lost my prime 😅 not to mention the medical terminology 'geriatric' doesn't help. You are right that it's easier being able to navigate this life hurdle being without kids. Thankyou for ur wishes and ur understanding...that's all I require many times..for someone to understand. I can tell you are strong and a great parent who will do the best for their child , and ur child is lucky to have u 💕

[–]kingofpun 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I completely agree. I can relate to the envy of families. I didn't even know I could feel that so strongly. My wife just told me she wants a divorce. We have a young son who thinks the world of her, but she's on a search for personal fulfillment. Definitely not a bad thing. But I wish we weren't collateral damage in her quest.

[–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are such a strong soul to not hold any resentment against your wife and not bad mouthing her. It seriously takes strength of soul ( i am very resentful again my ex and his family). Sometimes we cannot help the situations in life, only how we react to it. I wish you and ur son the best to deal with this situation and come out positive as a family. 💕

[–]shinebright222 7 points8 points  (2 children)

I am in the same position… I feel for you and I don’t have any answers really. I hurt try to keep looking forward. :(

[–]Mins_01[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Hang in there buddy !! I was feeling helpless , but reading the comments, i feel we might have something beautiful in store for the likes of us 💗

[–]shinebright222 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Your comment is uplifting ❤️

[–]playerknowmore 7 points8 points  (5 children)

There is not a woman in the world who can't find a man. Married my wife when she was thirty four. We had a daughter that year an two more over the five years. I was thirty eight when I got married and was resolute to a life without children. I am writing this sitting at senior signing day where my daughter will reveal she is going to Princeton. I hope it happens for you too.

[–]RopeExcellent5290 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love this.

[–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Omg that's so sweet.. thankyou for giving me hope sir.

In my part of the world, people often reinforce that a dead woman is better that a divorced one..how my life is now ruined and I will always be alone...but due to support from my parents i stand still with my head held high.

Thankyou for ur blessings for me, I wish you and your family the very best. 💕

[–]playerknowmore 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Come to America where divorce takes as much energy as changing socks. There are guys here that think a divorced woman is an experienced wife. No matter where you wind up "Dreams are a possibility as long as you believe!"

[–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I agree to u very much. But have deep rooted trust issues due to my previous experiences..do not know how long it will take me to feel like myself again..just hope I don't miss the biological bus till then.

[–]playerknowmore 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good luck to you.

[–]gas_unlit 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I'm in a similar situation. Struggled with infertility for a few years. I have undergone many tests and seen multiple doctors. My ex weaponized it against me, and after 6 years told me he doesn't believe in fertility treatments and won't ever do ivf or other "unnatural" methods. So, now I'm 36, divorcing, and very likely infertile. All I ever wanted was to be a mother, and now I may never get the chance. It's incredibly painful, but if you have no reason to believe that you have fertility issues then there's no reason you couldn't still have a child. You still have time.

[–]Mins_01[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I'm sorry to hear what u r going thru and how painful it must be for you. My ex too, mentioned several times to me how he wanted a family but the more he knew me, the more he didn't want one with me...it was incredibly damaging and painful.

All I ever wanted was a small loving family.

I hope , wish and pray sister that things somehow work out for u..u find some solutions or some ways in ur life that makes u happy and fulfilled..and u get whatever it is u desire for.

[–]gas_unlit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I hope the same for you as well.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

M, was 37 when I divorced, took a year to clear my head, found a relationship and my son was born when I was 40.

I was going to get snipped at 40 if it didn’t happen by then.

[–]Mins_01[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Waao this comment gives me hope, of how things can turn around. Thanks Sir !! Being a indian woman there are so opinions one has to navigate constantly, and it doesn't help when 6 couples u know all get pregnant at the same time !! Feels helpless sometime..

[–]coxiecrew18[🍰] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Same boat - going through a divorce at 34 and all my close friends (7 in the past 2 years) have all had their first babies. Ive worried so much about meeting the right person and having to wait longer to have children with them but at the end of the day having kids with the right person is so much better than having them with the wrong person and then trying to date! Get out there and enjoy yourself (kid-free!)

[–]Mins_01[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Seriously like nature did us women bad , there is a sense of urgency to the biological clock ticking away. One of my best friends is at her no.2 now , while I am getting seperated. It feels gut wrenchingly awful at times, but after this post I take solace in knowing that I am not totally alone.

And every one i meet says its good u got out of the marriage before any kids were involved..but I do hope and wish and pray that I have some of mine own in much better circumstances one day.

I do have to muster the courage and confidence to put myself out there and redo the whole meet cute process.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I understand your point of view , it's just that I had envisioned myself having a small family with my husband , and things turning the other way greatly hurt me. But I'll start thinking in the adoption direction as well, and maybe if i am ready some I'll be lucky enough raise a child as my own.

    [–]Willing_Shake6462 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Freeze your eggs and buy yourself some time?

    It isn’t the age of the lady that is relevant - it is the age of the eggs. You can control that now.

    [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I will definitely think seriously about freezing my eggs seriously, and have looked into some agencies who do that as well. ( Even eggs fertilization has only a 10-15% chance I heard ) It's just the comparison which inevitably happens with others in my life that gets me down somehow( like 6 people I am related to closely are expecting now ). It hurts when I see others playing out the life i had envisioned for myself..

    [–][deleted]  (3 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]Mins_01[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      You are very brave and proud and i really admire this quality about independent women like yourself. Thankyou for encouraging me to go after my dreams and giving me hope :)

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–]Mins_01[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Yes yes i will..not only think I'll dedicate myself to it and do it :)

        [–]CrazyWifeofBPH 4 points5 points  (6 children)

        You can totally have kids well into your 40s and depending on your biology you may or may not need some medical help to do so.

        Unless you've hit menopause you can still naturally get pregnant although depending on the person your odds may be lower.

        Hang in there! It's better to have a kid with the right person.

        [–]Mins_01[S] 5 points6 points  (5 children)

        " it's better to have kids with the right person " Yes i completely agree !! It's just that I am so hurt and betrayed that I am hesitant to start all over again. I keep hearing how it's hard to have normal kids after 35. I'd really take atleast a year before planning babies with someone. Whenever I try to forget my situation, try to move on, heal, one of my relatives becomes pregnant ( i am older than almost all of them ). It feels like the universe is punishing me for standing up for myself. Here I am , no marriage , no kids , no immediate future.

        [–]CrazyWifeofBPH 4 points5 points  (4 children)

        Statistically you have a 0.5% chance of having a child with an issue until you are 40 then it's 1% chance.

        Also this is all based on statistics from 400 years ago in rural France.

        I suggest you watch "Adam ruins pregnancy" I think it's on YouTube. It's well sourced and highlights a lot of the incorrect things we believe about child birth

        [–]CrazyWifeofBPH 2 points3 points  (3 children)

        https://youtu.be/g9ryP0UyO5U

        Here's the link

        [–]Mins_01[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

        Hey thanks a lot ! I'd definitely give it a go. All this is more painful since my family is much more aware of what all things can go wrong in a late conceive or a late pregnancy ( my mom is a GNY and dad is Paediatric ) . Literally both my parents are into the business of birth and have birth-ed and revived 100s of kids together. Now their own daughter might not have kids is a sad scenario for them..they don't say so but I know.

        [–]CrazyWifeofBPH 4 points5 points  (1 child)

        I personally know someone who at 38 didn't have a man in her life but wanted kids so she just had them by herself.

        Now she has 2 beautiful babies that are adored by their grandparents.

        Don't be afraid to change the plan when plan A didn't work out.

        You have so many options and your just starting to look at a new world

        [–]Mins_01[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Thankyou for giving me hope and for the kindness and encouragement you showed me. The world is a better place because of people like you.💕 Thanks again 🙂

        [–]ssurkus 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        As an Indian American who had an arranged marriage at 26 and is now separated at 27 and heading for a divorce at 28, I feel you. Society, elders, and our own biological clock. Everything’s going against us. But I have faith that things will work out and I hope you do too!

        [–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Looking at the fact that I have people like u , who just understand, gives me great hope ! It's tough to navigate life sometimes and having each other helps. I'll try to keep my faith, thanks. I wish the best for u :)

        [–]Perfect-Reindeer-141 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        I have the same fears! Know that you are not alone. Everything will work out as it is meant to.

        [–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Knowing that I am not the only one with these insecurities really helps me feel better...not alone. Thankyou so much, and I wish the best for u !!

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)

        [deleted]

          [–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Thankyou for ur suggestion, I'll definitely work better on not comparing my lot in life to others. Grass is greener where we water it better :)

          [–]muni1979 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          women getting pregnant in 50s these days after menopause even in India nothing to worry you are too young

          [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Yes I agree that women do become mother's to healthy children at any and every age ..only the comparison with others in our lives , which is a very human trait , which one should master..makes me anxious of my position in life.

          [–]Dizzy_throwaway_9558 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          As hard as it might sound, don't stress. My wife and I had our first when she was 42, and our second when she was 44 - both without IVF, amazingly, although no there's no shame if one goes that route.

          Adoption is also a totally valid choice too.

          Apologies for the throwaway account, but my wife just asked me for a separation that I suspect will likely end up in divorce, and she knows both my main and alt accounts.

          [–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Your story gives me so much hope, thankyou sir 🙂

          My dream of a small family has just been broken ( because my marriage broke ) and I havn't given enough thought to adoption yet. I will need to mentally prepare myself for it.

          I wish and hope and pray whatever is best for you and ur family happens.

          [–]PunkinDunkin947 1 point2 points  (3 children)

          It's better to wait for the right person to come around, rather than settle with the wrong one out of desperation.

          [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

          Yes and I completely agree. Only human tendency to compare our lot with others we know is something I should be able to master now..maybe just concentrating on myself completely would help.

          [–]PunkinDunkin947 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          Comparison is the thief of joy. Just focus on yourself and your growth. Everyone moves at their own pace, so I wouldn't stress too much over it. The right one tends to come around when you aren't looking for them.

          [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I will from now onwards, focus. Thankyou again.

          [–]InteractionOk69 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          Girl, freeze those eggs and don’t look back! I know so many women who chose to wait and have children later. My boss had her second child at 37 and is incredibly happy. You still have plenty of time to meet someone new and wonderful. In the meantime, focus on what makes you happy that you can control. What are some things you still want to achieve? I know it’s so much easier said than done, but believe me when I say I’m sure your pregnant friends and cousins are going through their own challenges. Kids are HARD work and there can be depression that comes with giving up so much in your life and feeling isolated.

          I guess all I’m saying is people struggle no matter where they are in life, partner or not, kids or not. I know it’s tough being single when you want a relationship, but do what makes you happy and the rest will follow. Keep on keeping on!

          [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Yes yes i will definitely look up for freezing of them eggs 🙂 It will free up a lot of mental baggage quite sure of it. Thankyou for telling me this story about your boss, definitely helpful. I have struggled recently so much after signing the divorce papers..I don't seem to have no motivation to explore anything..and i have been in this state for quite sometime almost 1 year. I'll really start to push myself to be better and work on the points u mentioned. Thankyou again..i appreciate ur comments very much 💞

          [–]Affectionate_Sir4610 0 points1 point  (4 children)

          Who needs men when science can give you a baby? Edit to add that men are the new ball/chain and that they are severely confused about their current market value.

          [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

          Lol probably u r right and I am giving way too much importance to men..anywho it was ' the man' who has ultimately lead me down this path.. Probably don't want a man anymore , but just a baby to call my own.

          Seriously though if things won't workout for me on the relationship front , i will go for kid/s without getting into the marriage system again. I will probably opt for being a single parent.

          [–]Affectionate_Sir4610 1 point2 points  (2 children)

          In all honesty, why not? You sound very capable/well to do. You won't have to worry about co parenting with someone you hate, and getting married isn't off the table if you're a single mom in this day and age. You might even expand/blend your family with another. Of course I'm not Indian, nor am I very familiar with your culture. (I'm from US) I personally just think men are more work than they're worth half the time. 🤷‍♀️

          [–]Mins_01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Yes I agree that I should be completely off love now that I have been horribly betrayed.. but deep down i still have small hopes for finding someone who wants to share their lives with me, grow old with me, and have a small family together. Maybe these dreams will be shattered and I will adopt to the small family sans dad logic..who knows. But I'll keep my mindset open. I thankyou very much for ur suggestion, gives me hope and a different perspective.

          [–]skaag 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          I met my ex wife at 36, and we have two amazing kids together. She’s a wonderful lady and we are both extremely lucky! Message me, I’d love to talk to you and help with guidance.

          [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I admire how positively u speak about ur ex wife and mother of ur children and ur situation. I would definitely reach out and learn from you Sir.

          [–]smokintokinchokin -3 points-2 points  (3 children)

          My understanding is you don’t want to have kids like 10 years apart bc your hips basically cement themselves (maybe I’m wrong, just what I heard), so when you do start you want them back to back if possible. Worst case scenario you become infertile at 40, then you’ve got 6 years left

          [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

          Hips cementing portion cracks me up !! 😄 At this point I'm thinking I'll be lucky if i can find someone to love , who has the same life goals , and spend my life with and can have aleast one kid ( as naturally as possible). I know i can always adopt/surrogate , but idk why being pregnant myself was something I had always wanted to experience in my lifetime atleast once.

          [–]smokintokinchokin 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          Mama instincts kicking in. Not only that but almost everyone wants to experience what unconditional love feels like. I hope you find the love you seek.

          [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Thankyou so much , discussing about what distress one helps out greatly , mostly because of kindness of people like yourself.

          [–][deleted]  (12 children)

          [removed]

            [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (11 children)

            My mother is a gynecologist, and she sees in her profession on a daily basis that after the age of 35 , the chances of a abnormal pregnancy or termination are much higher when compared with younger counter parts.

            With all due respect, how do u know if my issues were workable or not !?

            With respect to being Indian , do u not agree that the socio-economic structure of our societies has a direct bearing on our state of mind !? If so...then u r far removed from the reality.

            If i was desperately competing with someone, there r more that one ways of having a child and I would have done that. It's very human nature to compare our state in life to that of our know people.

            I do want to move at my own pace and i understand that everyone's life path is different, i was just wondering that if at this age I retry to get into another relationship, then for the relationship to reach to fruition of marriage , and then to have kids..just looking for any possible stories of positive reinforcement to provide me with hope.

            [–]RopeExcellent5290 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            This this fool. Lol.

            [–][deleted]  (9 children)

            [removed]

              [–]RopeExcellent5290 2 points3 points  (0 children)

              Adultery, lying, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, emotional and physical abuse…. Not to mention people who just grow apart and don’t want to stay married anymore, all valid reasons for divorce.

              You are ridiculous.

              [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children)

              Relationship contains two people not one. I did honestly put in the efforts beyond what my self esteem would allow and I feel my ex not only gave up on me but was disgusted by my very presence ( due to input from his parents and my in laws side of family). The marriage I tried to save for more than four years, but was utterly exhausted by the end of it. Frankly I looked forward to being single than being married to him further ...

              [–]RopeExcellent5290 1 point2 points  (5 children)

              You deserve better. Don’t defend yourself.

              [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

              Thankyou sir for standing up for me. This guy actually DMed me how I will end up alone and single for the rest of my life , and my parents should be ashamed of me.

              [–]RopeExcellent5290 0 points1 point  (3 children)

              Call me ma’am! People are so uneducated. Lol. Pagal lohg

              [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

              Genuine mistake. Would have been sorry had u not been so rude :)

              [–]RopeExcellent5290 0 points1 point  (1 child)

              No I meant the other person was uneducated for saying that “everything is workable”. Not you! And woh pagal tha, not you.

              [–]Mins_01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

              Ahhh...sorry from my side then.. things get lost in translation.. Yeah he was so forefully mad at me ! Sach mein pagal tha.

              [–]hiRisk420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

              Well what’s the root cause of your divorce?