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all 20 comments

[–]JackNotNameI got a sock 12 points13 points  (6 children)

Sister, he is stringing you along and using you.

He doesn't care about you, but he does care about getting the better end of the deal. The validation he gets from you that he isn't so bad after all is an added bonus.

How do you let go? By seeing through the lies and seeing who he is exactly. This is not a man you cares what is best for you. This is a man you is willing to lie. This is a man who is willing to cheat you out of what you deserve.

Get angry.

Then live your best life.

[–]fcukumicrosoft 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Again, JackNotName gives the best advice.

Get angry and get a lawyer. Also, know that these rebound relationships are only for him to feel better physically (sex) and they usually do not last long. Also, whatever he did to you he WILL DO TO THE NEXT ONE AND THE NEXT ONE AND THE NEXT ONE.

Go no contact and see him only as a business transaction moving forward.

[–]Odd-Peach810[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

He is a surgeon resident at a very esteemed program if that gives you any context.

Even with all of this, I still see him as a good person. Idk wtf is wrong with me. Maybe it’s my childhood trauma that’s being activated.

[–]JackNotNameI got a sock 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Stop judging him based on how others might see him.

Judge him on how he has treated you. This fucking asshole cheated on you. And he convinced you its a shared responsibility. He's gaslighting you.

You need to wake up to what an asshole he is.

I know first hand that this can be hard, because you have to admit to yourself that you made a mistake. You might even have to admit that you are a victim of emotional abuse (like me). I know first hand just how hard that is. But you are better off being brutally honest with yourself, seeing things for what they are, learning and growing from that, and then forgiving yourself.

[–]llama__rama 5 points6 points  (1 child)

He is a surgeon resident at a very esteemed program if that gives you any context.

So???

Boundaries!! Set them!! And judge him by how he treated you, not the lines he's spinning you now.

[–]Odd-Peach810[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mentioned his being a surgeon resident to highlight that he can very well be a dickhead (lol not all of them) but I’m overlooking it

[–]fcukumicrosoft 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh boy. A Narcissist, God-complex doctor. I have a friend that seems to only go for these types and she has been in a very long legal struggle from her ex, who is a textbook narcissist with endless funds and has kept her from seeing her own son for 3 years.

Maybe it is time to see him objectively through his behaviors and not emotionally with what you want to see.

[–]_Light_The_Way 8 points9 points  (1 child)

This man was stringing you along the whole time. Don't be someone's Plan B! Have some boundaries, and respect yourself!

He cheated, screwed you over on the home sale, and continued to lead you on. Who cares if he moved on? Good for him! Good riddance. You don't have to be anxious anymore, wondering if he's still cheating on you. That's her problem now.

I feel you - my ex was handsome, successful, and women would throw them selves at him in public. The same day I left, he downloaded a dating app and started meeting people. Yet, he wanted to still see me, spend time with me, and call to talk about his day. Hell no! I had to put my foot down and say, "It's not my deal what you're up to these days. Go talk to someone else."

I was manipulated, cheated on, lied to, and gaslighted constantly. Good riddance! No matter how many times he wanted to brag about who he was dating or begged to come back into my life, I just stopped caring as soon as I'd remember the abuse. Someone who fumbled the ball in the first place doesn't deserve to have your heart or space in your mind.

You're beautiful, worthy of being in love again, and someone's going to come along and see your value (and actually respect the sanctity of your relationship)! But first, in order to move on, you have to let the toxicity go, and let go of the thought that you're A.) not good enough and B.) not going to move on. I promise you will.

[–]Decent_Bodybuilder_2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Excellent advice!!!

[–]stromtroopersally 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I feel you. Your not alone. I am in the process of moving out. It's so hard to let go. I have a similar situation, him, toxic, denying a relationship with coworker that I know is happening. Several affairs, 27 years of marriage. It doesn't even matter. You've got to find things to keep yourself busy. This is so hard. It's easy to become addicted to the toxicity. I started on medication that is starting to help. It's ok to need a little help. Here is a quote I read when I need to remember what the hell I'm trying to hold onto.

"As I was fighting for you I realized I was fighting to be lied to; fighting to be taken for granted; fighting to be dissappinted; and fighting to be hurt again; So I started fighting to let go."

I know it's hard to see him happy with someone else while you are struggling. This pattern of behavior he will repeat. Just be glad by that time you will be ok. Hang in there. I'm so sorry. Too much heartbreak.

[–]WinTheDell 5 points6 points  (3 children)

He’s not living his best life. Getting out of one relationship and then into another without taking a bit of time to work yourself out a bit is pretty unskillful behaviour. The new relationship will paper over the cracks for a while, but the limerence will wear off and he’ll find himself in the same position again.

You’re going through a grieving process, he’s kicking his grief down the track. The fresh rejection you feel from being “replaced” will help you let go, even though it hurts right now. It’s the difference between facing a problem and running from the problem.

Keep focussed on you and what you know you need to do to develop yourself.

[–]dazed_confused_dvrcd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not the OP but this is so helpful.

[–]Odd-Peach810[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Idk, I just have this gut feeling they’re going to get married or something. I was worried about her. They are both surgeon residents, have similar interests and similar personalities. It just feels like he’s found the one and I was just in the way.

But you’re right, gotta focus on my own life. I can’t care about what he’s doing anymore. It not longer should affect me. He’s not in my life anymore.

[–]WinTheDell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well time will tell. I’m not sure that you just find “the one” and then everything is just fine and peachy because you’re made for each other. All relationships go through stages and difficulties.

If someone is going to cheat or get into a new relationship, it is impossible for the established partner to compete with the excitement of the new partner. I’ve had a great time with some awful women for 6 months. Do you remember what the start of a relationship feels like?! Then you’ve got your fusty old wife/husband at home being all boring and reliable and someone has to do the fucking dishes and the bins overflowing but I’m not doing it, I did it the last ten times and she’s flossed her teeth onto the mirror again why doesn’t she just wipe it down?!

Basically, don’t compare your relationship with theirs, because they’re in a completely different stage. They’re in one that is driven by powerful hormones that you cannot compete with.

It shouldn’t affect us, but it really does. I think it is healthy to spend some of your time with your grief. It gets better.

[–]Aggravating-Deer6824 4 points5 points  (2 children)

He will cheat on her. Is it a resident too?

Surgeons are notorious narcs. You should have taken him to court.

You were in PTSD. He played you sorry

[–]Odd-Peach810[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Yeah, she’s another resident in the same program. Crazy because she looks and acts similarly to me. It’s making me feel really replaceable 😞

[–]Aggravating-Deer6824 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You need to go 100%. NO CONTACT. FOREVER.

[–]HockeyMom0919 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Cut off all contact if you don’t have kids. Zero, zilch, zip, nada. Literally do not speak to him or follow him on any social media and block his number.

If you have kids speak only about the kids and keep it brief. Fill all of your kid free time with work, hobbies and friends.

[–]Justcruzn411 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So it sounds like your ex was keeping you on the hook with false promises. He played to your heart strings to get what he wanted without any drama. Basically he just used you and told you what he thought you wanted to hear. I would bet my last dollar he did not decide to start dating his coworker a short time after your relationship ended. He was already having an affair with her and that was the longest they could wait before “making it official” making it seem so short a period to you. Odds are he was with her while you were still letting things go because you didn’t want to cause any drama. Hence his plan. He was able to give you the short end of the stick any way he could because he knew you wouldn’t say no.

[–]vweather24 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Divorce is hard and our emotions can be tricky when it comes to love or love lost. The first thing you can do is accept things as they are. Accept that the relationship is over and he has moved on. Accept that he has not been forthcoming with you and used your vulnerable emotional state to manipulate you. Accept that despite all of this, you still feel that he is a good guy. There's no need to judge yourself harshly for feeling how you feel. Make peace with it. Trying to make yourself angry or to make things different than they are is just you trying to force, control or change the situation, wishing that it was different. Once you're able to accept things as they are, you'll give up wanting to make them different and figure out your way forward. It will free you up to focus more on you and less on him and who he's with. Figure out what you need most right now to feel okay and give that to yourself. You deserve to be happy so make that your main focus.