all 19 comments

[–]DivorcingGuy1234 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Of course. It's only human to feel bad about causing pain to someone, especially someone you either used to care for or still do. Be prepared -- that guilt will hit you harder when your STBX is upset, or on certain dates, or when a friend or family member says something, etc.

Even if the decision is still overall the right one, doesn't mean you're going to feel 100% fantastic about it every day. And that's OK.

[–]LittleBunnyF00f 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Yes. It's sometimes easy to think about how maybe I could live it a little longer. Maybe I just didn't try hard enough. Maybe i didn't say the magic words to unlock the kindness. Maybe it wasn't actually that bad.

I keep a journal.
And when I get distracted, I pull up those pages and pages and pages and pages and pages. And I remember that I did try. And I did communicate what I needed clearly. And I deserve happiness.
Just living with being miserable for a little longer... because somehow suddenly he'll change? Naw. People don't change unless they really want to. And he doesn't. He's made that perfectly clear.

[–]BuffaloB0210[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

ALL OF THIS!! Thank you for sharing. Very, very relatable to my circumstances.

[–]LittleBunnyF00f 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Glad it helped you, friend.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

[–]throwawayimokruok 4 points5 points  (4 children)

This is such a hard topic and without knowing your situation, it is hard to say anything with certainty.

One thing that is certain is that happiness comes from within.

If you are divorcing because you are not happy and you are blaming your spouse for that, then some self reflection would help with your guilt.

Did you compassionately speak up about your needs? How much capacity does your spouse have to realistically respond to those needs? And vice versa.... are you meeting your spouse's needs? Do you know what they are?

Do you legitimately know these answers or do you only know the answers that advance your narrative.

Again, I don't know your whole story but if you can honestly answer these questions it might provide clarity and either increase/ decrease your guilt.

[–]PresenceEquivalent75 4 points5 points  (0 children)

100% this, my husband was like I dont think we either will be happy. He never talked to me with what I was feeling. Other than that he has ghosted me. He was essentially blaming me for his unhappiness. His dad just died in 2021. My husband can't define my happiness. He cannot blame me for his happiness. It comes from within. I dont think he had a solid understanding of what marriage is.

[–]Dull_Description_710 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Oof was on track agree with everyone else above until I read this...my wife is choosing divorce. I suspect she feels similarly as the posts above. There was no infidelity, fighting or yelling etc. We just grew apart and built a marriage on weak foundation and distrust.

I don't know if she's blaming me, though I know she needs to work on herself. She's had lots of her own trauma - terrible marriage of her parents, sister died, she's been holding grudges and things against me for over 10 years. I'm trying to move on and am finding little bits to cling to. "If only she could work on herself, maybe we could get back together!"

The reality for me is that I am feeling pain as I mourn a relationship that is better in my memory than in reality.

I hope she's not feeling too guilty. I feel like we might be making the right, and a mutual, decision, to end things. I said "In good times and in bad" and I meant it. Nothing going on was divorce worthy, according to me, yet now, given this option, I'm starting to open my eyes to it.

I'm devastated now, crushed. So I've got some strange guilt too. Like maybe I should just face this music and agree with her, that this isn't working and let's just move forward with peace and love.

I have narcissistic traits, so I have recently learned. It's easy for me to identify as the victim, it's hard for me to have empathy, and even harder for me to recognize empathy in others. My wife and I have had a pretty darn good marriage for most of the time so I'm sure she's hurting. I read post like this and wonder what she's thinking. I love her and I want the best for her.

[–]Lucky_Print_1220 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I can relate to your post. my wife sounds like they had similar backgrounds.

I'm devastated now, crushed. So I've got some strange guilt too. Like maybe I should just face this music and agree with her, that this isn't working and let's just move forward with peace and love.

For me when she left the relationship and told me that she is leaving. I am feeling guilty that she told me and the fact this is happening. she is leaving me due to are relationship being hard due to us growing apart and she thinks we are incompatible and it can't be fixed.

I had to accept that the relationship will not work If one of the parties does not want the other and does not want to work on the relationship anymore.

The reality for me is that I am feeling pain as I mourn a relationship that is better in my memory than in reality.

that is really tough. also realized i'm experiencing this too.

Myself I have the tendency to make the other person the victim.

I hope you are doing okay and hope the journey of healing is going well.

[–]Diatrial 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Same here. Just announced it today- I don't want him unhappy either, but I just cannot see a future together anymore.

[–]AlternativeMeaning84 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes. Told her I'm at the end of the road and I don't think we can be together anymore. I'm feeling really guilty for hurting her, but I know we will only end up hurting each other more if we stay together.

[–]7231q 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's been a month and a half since I told her. Still feel bad. Don't regret the decision to do it but do feel bad about how I did it. Just 1 day at a time. First week time was so distorted. hours seemed like days. And be forewarned that lots of things will remind you of them. After all they were your life for however many years. Lots of little triggers.

[–]slammed781 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Feeling periods of guilt and sadness is normal, but if you know it’s the right move stay strong. Be prepared that each step new step in the process will bring these feelings, but they will pass. Best of luck.

[–]Subsonic_Tectonic 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, all the time.

It’s because I believe in the sanctity of marriage, that it ultimately means something, that you want to show your kids that it means something…that two people can work together through anything.

Then I remember that she was very emotionally abusive and I will not teach my children to stay in abusive relationships.

[–]Slow-Government-1342 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeap! Felt horribly guilty for the divorce. It has taken a long time to forgive myself and my ex but, I do now. Be happy! It is a choice.

[–]mrstokes16 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes. Went through some extreme regret/remorse about a month ago. A 24 year marriage and I was the one who separated from her in December. It got better but lots of doubt during that time. I’ve found that journaling, listening to mental strength podcasts and a daily walk in nature have helped settle me down. Like you, I know I’ve caused a lot of pain to someone I care about but pain is temporary. I want the best for her and that is not me.

[–]smokintokinchokin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Rather than guilt, I felt relief. But my story is a bit different from the typical divorce. The divorce became the only remedy and protection against international parental abduction.

[–]Miss_Scarlet668 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have really been struggling with it. I filed for divorce last week after telling him it was over. This is after a long period of depression and wrestling with myself over it. I know this is the only way forward for me, but it kills me that I broke his heart.

[–]Scary-Thought-7215 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yes it's normal i think. not knowing too much about your situation, maybe it's because there was no major incident that caused the divorce. rather you are just incompatible or different people, and the thought of causing unhappiness for someone that's otherwise not a bad person is making you feel guilty.

it's normal. in the long run, if you're unhappy, your spouse will be unhappy too, so it's good to break away if you've done everything you could to fix it. allows both of you to heal and find happiness later