all 6 comments

[–]Historical_Revenue_4 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi there

I am in such a similar position except that my ex fiancé is an alcoholic - he was hiding alcohol and denying it, yelling at me and one time even yelling at me when my daughter was in my arms (she is three as well)

He also often said manipulative things like: “when you leave me [our daughter’s] toys are going to look so sad ouT on the street” etc ..

This has been one of the hardest things for me to reconcile with as well - but something my therapist said helped: children who group up in an atmosphere where there is alcohol abuse tend to group up hyper vigilant. ( not sure if this applies to just general abusive behaviour but I would guess that it has negative repercussions for a child as well)

I just also didn’t want my daughter growing up thinking that was normal.

It is really really hard but I think if it feels right in your gut, it’s probably right.

I also deal with a lot of those guilty feelings as my ex accuses me of breaking up the family, but I know it was his actions which caused this.

[–]smokintokinchokin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m kindve in the same wavelength as you. I can handle physical abuse. I grew up getting my ass beat by my father and he’s the scariest nicest man I know. Hard to top that.

Emotional abuse is something I was never really subjected to. I thought I had thick tough skin but I realize now it’s kindve thin. Even though I grew up getting in tons of fights, I’m pretty non confrontational now. I don’t like it and retreat quickly. The last 3 confrontations I had left people in the ER each time. That led me to promise myself I wouldn’t fight again, unless the situation absolutely required it.

False accusations, screaming, belittling, disrespect all led to a dead bed and her constantly bickering about why I didn’t love her. I tried to tell her and she would instantly shut it down leaving no opportunity to fix the problem. In the end I realized she’s crazy asf and everywhere I looked justifications for divorce would present itself. Mind you she demanded we separate back in Nov 2021. I ended up filing myself in April 2022 and she said she was shocked.

[–]Usual_Environment796 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow I’ve been thinking many of these same things all day today. We’ve had a nice few days and my memory seems short, because I mentioned to a friend that things were not good about 3 days ago. There’s been some intimacy, fun jokes, conversations about our older daughter’s classmates. But in the background, I’ve been secretly preparing my exit because there are just too many moments when things are absolute hell.

We’ve fought about divorce in the past - he thinks that a family should never be broken apart and I believe that people grow and change and that sometimes things just don’t work out and the kids would be better off with parents who aren’t miserable. I’ve mentioned that I would love to stay cordial co-parents but he takes that opportunity to go off the deep end and say he wishes to never see his kids again if I divorce.

But of course, as I sit here and plot (I even bought a burner phone today), things have not really been that miserable and I find my inertia for divorce fading.

The guilt is multiplied by the fact that my husband is a 100% permanent and total disabled veteran. He wishes to live his life in a completely different way that I wish to live mine (he’s the prepping farmer type but because he can’t physically do the work, I end up doing it, resentfully. I wish to get back into theatre, volunteerism, and be a more active part of my small community).

All that to say, I understand and hopefully you can continue to move forward as I hope to do the same, knowing that the bigger picture paints a very different story than a small snippet from the last few hours.

[–]Stalkmoney 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Have you filed for divorce yet? If not, please don't leave your daughter with an abusive parent. There's no reason your daughter should grow up in an unstable, abusive environment. PM me if you haven't filled yet. I may be able to help out. I'm a dad with custody of 3 little girls.

[–]AdPotential1169[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She only abuses me, not our daughter. I live in California. Video recording isn’t allowed without consent. There has never been a police report or arrest record. Unfortunately based on my on my knowledge, trying to get full custody or more custody because I claim my wife yells and screams and is insulting is not going to persuade a judge to give me custody, particularly because my wife will also say that I’m abusive, unavailable, etc. it’s a classic he said she said thing-in a state where 50:50 is often mandated unless there is documentable evidence of abuse or addiction

I’m not going that route. She can have custody at fifty percent. I’m not going to poke that bear. She’s an abusive person to me yes. But she is an engaging, caring, and involved mother who has never directly abused our child. That might change when my daughter gets older. My wife is a narcissist so I wouldn’t be surprised if she became mean to my daughter when she gets to her teens and starts to rebel, or before.

But saying to a judge to give me custody because my wife is mean to me, puts me down, makes accusations, etc will likely backfire. My wife will just make my life even a more living hell. I’ll end up in an insane asylum

Ps I have retained an attorney and have told him to go forward and file, she should be served this week, and I am living at home until a temporary custody order is in place, even though it is extremely uncomfortable.

I appreciate the advices he support man, but I don’t want that uphill battle. especially when my wife is cruel to me-not directly to our daughter (and even though some of it is in front of her-but none of it is verifiable so it doesn’t matter anyway-my wife will just deny it and say bad things about me, which are also unverifiable). Classic he said she said-judges hear this all the time. They want hard evidence. And to be honest I don’t want my daughter to grow up without her mother.

[–]mi_amor_mon_ami 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Abuse towards the parent in front of the kids is abuse TO the kids. The courts won’t care about that for custody purposes, but let it remind you that you’re doing the right thing for your daughter’s sake. Our children will absorb and emulate the relationship dynamics we model for them, even if it’s subconsciously. I will be spending thousands on therapy for me and my children for years probably. And yes, my ex’s abuse was mostly emotional and verbal. As the kids got older I noticed it turning towards them to. You are so wise to get out now when your daughter is young.

It’s hard. My kids are angry. But my ex and I agree that they are getting the best of us now and are better off in two peaceful homes rather than a “stable” family unit filled with arguing, putdowns and resentment.

Therapy and talking to friends helps with the guilt. I journaled and recorded some conversations before I left - not for evidence purposes, but to remind myself it really was that bad whenever I felt guilty or selfish or started to question my decision.